The Greatest Moments

"One of the greatest moments in anybodies developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is."

Norman Vincent Peale

Well, it New Year's Eve and I can bet that many of us are reflecting on this past year. What did we accomplish? What burdens did we carry? Who did we lose and who did we gain?

When I think of all this my heart smiles and I proudly state, 2008 was a great year!

So what of 2009? What does it have in store for me?

It will be peaceful and happy. It will involve adventure and gaining new friendships and nourishing those I already have. It will be about growth and compromise. It will be wonderful. It will be.

2008 gave me who I am.

I look forward to uncovering more of who I am and I have hopes for this year. I have a hope that my soul may come to rest from all the questions and that the answers may not matter. That everyone everywhere will survive the hard economic times and know that through turmoil we gain strenght. That those with beautiful voices will share thier songs and that love will find it's way into the lonelist of hearts. That my heart my open to the possibility and that my childrens hearts won't explode from the possibilites that are in their lives already!

I hope for contentment. For the knowlege that it doesn't ever matter what others think and that working at this isn't the chore it is now but just becomes an instinct. With that being said, I hope I always instinctually know the hearts of my family and friends and that I can be there for them when needed like they have been there for me this past year. I hope for the completion of the process and that the scars become unnoticable and don't impede people from knowing who I really am.

To a New Year I say welcome. Come and stay awhile. We're glad you are finally here.

And to the old year..... Thank-you. Without you I would never have grown to the woman I am now.

What You Think

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey



I have had an experience tonight that made me realize that I doubt I will ever be fully understood. The misconception of an abused women interferes with people seeing me for who I am and what I mean to say.

I am not sure how to overcome this.

I have never felt more healthy and secure in my life. I have brought my family....., well, let me rephrase this; all of us together have brought this family out of a very dark and dismal place and we are all functioning in a way that defines emotional recovery.

My family will always have baggage but it is packed and put away. It may not appear that we have come out of this unscathed but the reality is we will have scars and that these scars are, for the most part, healed.

I tried to tell someone how I felt today. About the feelings I have when I am at church, about feeling invisible and I believe I was completely misunderstood.

I have been through so much and I have exercised more faith than I ever have in my entire life. To receive an admonition to have more faith seems repetitive and patronizing. Why do people think my tears or my frustrations indicate that I haven't let go. Please! Please try and hear what I am saying!

I can't communicate this anymore. I will never understand why I have to pay such a huge price for my life. I made every effort possible to avoid this outcome and yet everyday I pay a huge price for it. Why do divorced people have to sit back and just be invisible. Why does any expression of emotion or frustration mean instability or weakness? Why can't it indicate recovery and healing? What if all we want is for life to just be back to a normal way, the way you lived before.

If I learned anything today it is to just shut up and remain invisible and hope that someday someone will recognize my heart as healed not still wounded.

This is where I question my faith and ask myself why I bother. It's the point where some just give up.

I know people respect my journey. I know my news is old and over, believe it or not, it is for me too but I will never understand.

You say I am negative and yet I am trying to change a culture that breeds negativity.

I will put the smile back on my face and "keep sweet" and you will see me on my bench every Sunday because I know that is what the Big Guy needs me to do. But my underlying weariness is there .

And people wonder why singles are leaving the church in droves.

For those who are reading this please know I am still very happy in my life. As a matter of fact, I love what my life has become in so many ways except in church.

I can't change a culture, I just have to learn to accept its parameters and live within them.

Thinking About the New Year

"I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course."What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears."
Gordon B Hinckley

As I reflect on this past year and think about the one to come my thoughts are on those things that I can do that would improve my life. I have been through a lot and knowing that I want things to change. I want to purge the past and really hold on to the positive of my new life.

So here's to that and a resolution.

Purge the past and move forward in faith.

Children

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

An Open Letter to My Children for Christmas!

I love you more now than I have ever and the thought that this love will continue to grow is so exhilarating to me.

Thank-you, for being so incredible and for making everyday the best days of my life while we share our lives.

We are together this Christmas and I want you to know just how much that means to me. To know that we gather in love and acceptance and that right now we are a family is so comforting and has made this journey that I have been on easier and more satisfying. Once again, thank-you!

Thank-you girls for bringing the most wonderful and happening friends into the picture. They add so much to us and seem to fit. At times, it feels like they were always here. We are missing one, he's in Thailand and he is missed. It's like the seat is empty waiting.

I think what I want most of all is to Thank-you kidlets for being so supportive and for knowing just the right thing to say at just the right time and for just being you. I have so many proud moments I can't even count them.

I love you all so much! I have been so blessed in my life. The Lord has truly placed his grace in my life. I can't think of anything more that I could have wanted than what I have now with you. You have grown beyond my children and become my friends.

Thank-you!

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of
hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart. "
- George Mathew Adams

My mother taught me that in life there are two kinds of people. Those who give and those who take. She emphasized that life had a way of bring who you are to the surface at special times of the year like Christmas.

She was very much a Giver (By the way, read the book "The Giver" by Lois Lowry, it's fantastic at the concept) and spent her entire life in the act of improving the lives of others. Her first profession was a nurse, her second, a wedding florist. She made others lives better and she was a great example to me always.

So what am I on about.

The gathering of family is a time to find the truths in each other that make a family a whole. We are five now and I can not express enough how much more whole we are as compared to the past. I watch my kids and their efforts and I know I have raised givers. I am so proud of them.

My mother's legacy weaves its way through the hearts and minds of my children and will always be the corner stone of the philosophies of my family. I can't help but feel her spirit so intertwined with our spirit of Christmas because at that time she came alive and turned Christmas into the experience we search for always.

May we all find within us the "giver" and turn Christmas over to it's true meaning.

Merry Christmas everyone!

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I learned a very important lesson today on perspective. It came from a very unlikely source and it involved two very different points of view.

Someone was describing a time in the past and thanked my friends for the bonding and loving experience that it was, how the experience brought them closer and how he had such fond memories. In his opinion it was an activity that was truly inspirational.

My friends experience was very different. They remember this time as horrid and hard and if anything cemented the fracture in the relationship that has existed for a long time. In fact, PTS syndrome has been a result. It damaged them and they have nothing but bad memories of it.

How can there be such a different perspective on the same thing and here's the clicker; where is the truth?

So here's what I am on about.

From my past experiences I have learned that each of us draw to any experience our own perspective, our own truths. We see things from our own eyes, process it, give it reason and move on.

Good people will then understand that differences are real and that what one person may see as pleasurable and growing another may see as downright abuse and has no purpose at all.

Each has elements of truth, the fault lies in not understanding that each of us has a right to see things from our own point of view and also in not accepting that another truth may have reason in it as well.

My guess is that the individual I write about will never understand that his pleasurable experience ever caused the amount of pain that it did. He is quite incapable of understanding that. With that being said, it does not take away from the pain the others feel, it is real, for them and for those that care for them.

May we all find the self respect to see another light and to give them the God given right to feel and know that for them their truths are every bit the fabric that comforts their souls.

That when we comprehend the paradigms of those who share our life that we can see into them and support their truths so that they can know that they are loved and that by stepping out of ours we can understand what true compassion is.

Christmas is the perfect season to begin this. Find it in your heart to look beyond your own perspective, beyond your own point of view and try and understand someone else's world from their eyes. Covey calls this win - win.

I have endeavored to make this a practise in my life for some time. It has brought me great peace and understanding and I have learned that when I take the time to see this way I most often avoid unnecessary conflict. I always find peace in this endeavor.

"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time."

~Laura Ingalls Wilder

I cannot even express the excitement that I feel as my family begins the gathering for Christmas. My heart is swelling with Joy! I just finished decorating the tree and in a few hours I'll be heading out to get the fixing's for a day of baking with the women of my family. It is every cliche personified and yet, I don't care!

I haven't been able to pull out the creche and nativity my mother so lovingly made for me. I need to work up to it. I know I'll feel her presence when I do and I am so excited for her to check in and see just how far we have come since she has been gone. I promised her that not only would I survive but that I would heal and grow to be everything she was. It will take years but am I ever adoring the journey. I think she would be proud of me and the children. We are so a family of love and caring and knowing the strength of just having each others back.

My first BBG gets home in less that 24 hours. She has given me her first gift. She wants to come to church with me. She knows how much it will mean and though she may face the words and cruelty that was there for her she is unselfish in her gift to me. The church just isn't for her but she knows how much it means to me. This is how I know my children's hearts are pure and loved. How can you ever not know she is one of Heavenly Fathers chosen children.

My family is so important to me. I understand my HF's plan for me. I know that my most divine role is in parenting and that in my case, my children are in God's ever so wonderful graces. We will have peace. We will have love. We will be filled with Joy! How can you not look to this great season as a child and then carry it throughout the whole year.

To all of my friends and family; Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and more than anything else, Thank-you for your support and love to all of us throughout this year. I am so much better for having all of you in my life.

Thank-you.

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. "

C. S. Lewis

My life’s circumstances have forced me to take an exhaustive look at what I know to be true and every part of what I believe has been challenged by the culture my beliefs reside in. Yeah, that was an ear full.

What are you on about now; listen with your heart as you read.

I LOVE the gospel of Jesus Christ. What he came to this earth to do and did have given me one of the greatest gifts and life lessons to live and breathe by.

The principle of forgiveness alone is one aspect that can free you soul and give breath to every moment of your life. The despair you live under as you go about your days without granting forgiveness to yourself or others can deconstruct your life to a point where living it is impossible.

The burden of such a life is far too great to bear and pointless because He has afforded us the privilege of bearing that burden for us.

The atonement is so crucial in the development of your self worth. Without it I cannot conceive the pathway of a life journey in any safe and joyful kind of way. I am so grateful for having come to a more astute and impartial way of understanding this great gift.

The Savior’s life and his path is also another great barometer to how one should conduct themselves. He did not surround himself by drones and like minded people. His disciples were varied and represented every part of life in the holy land at the time. It would be hard to fathom the gossip and criticism that he must have drawn as he called Matthew, a tax collector, into his inner circle. I am sure that even some of the other disciples had to swallow their harsh words and feelings to overcome the preconceived prejudices so that they could govern this new church in harmony and peace.

With all this being said what is it I want to say.

I have always looked at things mostly from my own vantage point. How does what is happening affect my life and what does it mean to me? The transition that is now happening is that more often that not, I look the reverse way and because of that I am able to somehow survive the culture that is not so welcoming of the life I have now.

There are so many times when being at church is the last place I have wanted to be. I felt I could not abide one more day of invisibility or heartache and then I remembered that the reasons for being there don’t lie in the social aspect but the spiritual and I let all of the burdens go that I have hoisted on my own back and continue to face the culture.

The sadness I feel is that the culture, in most cases, does not reflect the purposes of the gospel nor I believe the hearts of most of the people.

Now, here’s the hard part. How can I/we change that?

By being and acting different.

When you see that sister/brother alone and hurting and you all know what I mean, every ward has them. Don’t be afraid. There is a good chance they have no intention of burdening you and even if they do, count it as a blessing that they trust you enough to share and then ….., simply listen. It really is all that they are looking for.

Make this culture about the gospel and not about the people. Be different so difference can happen. I have seen far too many people I love leave because they cannot stand the hurt and the frustration any more.

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem and make it a point, especially this Christmas season, to reach out unexpectedly and make a difference in a members life that you may feel is struggling with their testimony and faith.

PLEASE - Don’t be fake either. Commit to the Saviors example and genuinely care! These people need it. Heck, we all need it. I have committed to being Mormon not out of some cultural decision but because, above all else, I know this gospel is true…., for me.

These people are not hard to find, they are all around you. If you don’t believe me, stop and think for a moment. Now, lift your hands up and use your fingers to count how many of your friends have left the pews. My guess is you’ll run out of fingers. Now, do something more, count how many are family members.

(As a side note here; people have the right to choose a different path than our faith. If that’s the case then all I ask is; how do you treat those who have left? If you have distanced yourself and no longer have anything to do with them, maybe that is an indication of your cultural attachment to the church.)

The church is all encompassing and takes up a huge amount of time. I am guilty of letting good friends go. Being Mormon or not is not a criterion to friendship. A balanced approach to life includes all denominations. One of my dear friends is Muslim and had I not been friends with her I would not have any grasp on the world as we know it. Branching out and extending ourselves is the best medicine for a crowded and unwelcoming heart.

Here’s another of my wishes this Christmas, on a very personal note. I have hope that we will extend ourselves as a faith into the lives of those that we know and have loved who we have lost or may lose contact with and let them know how grateful we are and have been for their presence in our lives. Now that’s a Christmas present with great value and well worth giving.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Some Things Don't Matter

"You know, some things don’t matter that much Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person’s heart – now that matters."
August – The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd

If I hadn’t already said this, which I believe I already have in previous entry, I love to read.

Now, you can’t categorize what it is I like because it ranges from Dan Brown’s "Digital Fortress" to Jane Austen’s anything. What it is I love about reading is the lyrical nature of the words and the message they bring.

Messages are the most important part of it and they can be found as blatantly as in a title to a simple sentence addressed by a character in the novel, like the above quote.

So what am I on about?

There I was, finished my morning musings to the Big Guy while I was riding the blessed CTrain. (I doubt I will ever develop a fondness for that mode of transportation!) And I began to read my current novel; " The Secret Lives of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd.

Yeah, I know it’s been made into a movie. No, I haven’t seen it yet and yes, I will probably go once I am finished reading the book. This book has one of my favorite formats for a novel. Conflict and struggles hidden amongst the everyday living of average people. I loved "To Kill a Mocking Bird" by Harper Lee so anything familiarly close to that becomes of interest to me as this one did. Besides…. It’s the book club read so two stones with one bird here.

I have been enjoying it so much. I haven’t had a ton of time for novel reads so this is one book that truly is taking me away in its adventure and I get quite caught up in it. I almost missed my stop last night as I had gotten to a very pivotal part of the novel.

This morning, as I was reading, it happened. Words, that when combined together so effortlessly and beautifully bring my mind to a stand still and causes it to reflect…. Deeply.

The above words from the novel did just that. In-between the 39th Ave and Erlton station on the south leg of the Calgary Transit CTrain line, my mind paused and I reflected and had another AHA moment. Go figure.

What did my mind repeat; "THIS I BELIEVE. THIS I PRACTISE."

After pondering it, I thought, "this is truth revealed to witness how much I have changed". I really have rediscovered in my life a way to make the things that should matter mean something and purge the mundane little things to exactly where they belong.

If I wondered, at incidence at church brought it to light.

One of D. friends came to me and was bitterly complaining that I was allowing D. to do something on a Sunday that he felt, or maybe better stated, that his family felt was inappropriate for that day.

Without even flinching I turned to the young man and said " How could anybody ever judge how perfect you are if others aren’t allowed to do imperfect things that you can be compared to?"

The young man was stunned. Now please, understand, I wasn't trying to be rude. I just wanted this young man to understand that D made that choice and it was his alone. In hind sight, I probably could have elaborated a bit better and probably should have.

There are people who will never be able to understand the dynamics of my family and the way that decisions have to be made now. Because, for so very long, choice was not afforded, valiant spirits fought back and inappropriate choices were made. Through counseling, I have been told to allow my kids to make even wrong choices, but to follow through and council with them so as to inform them of all that is available to them. Most importantly, however, to understand that the choice is theirs to make, especially at the ages they are.

When D got home, we talked. A heartfelt, sincere discussion ensued and we have committed to try and be more willing to follow the principles’ we love. I cannot force anything on my kids. I can gently lead them. At some point, they lead themselves, hopefully in peace and harmony to their own truths.

Yeah, in most Mormon eyes I will never win "Mother of the Year" award. So be it.

In the eyes of my children though, I am trying and they respect that.

There is no failure in the effort to succeed, only in the refusal to ever move forward in faith knowing that sometimes the outcome can’t be predicted.

My children and I love each other, the way the Savior would expect us to. Their knowing that my love is not contingent on their choices but on their beings gives them a self worth that enables them to be safe and secure. Their choices then are not blurred by a desire to find something that is missing because I have failed to give them it. They have unconditional love.

That is what a parent must do.

A Glorious Time of Year.

"This is a glorious time of the year, simple in origin, deep in meaning, beautiful in tradition and custom, rich in memories, and charitable in spirit. It has an attraction to which our hearts are readily drawn. This joyful season brings to each of us a measure of happiness that corresponds to the degree in which we have turned our mind, feelings, and actions to the spirit of Christmas."

Thomas S. Monson,

"What Is Christmas?" Ensign, Dec. 1998, 2

I have the fondest memories of Christmas and none of them involve gifts I received. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember very much about those gifts I do about the feelings I had about the giving of Christmas gifts. Mom put so much into the giving and that was what made it so WONDERFUL.

Mom was a very industrious women and most of what we received over the years was made, from the clothes we wore to the clothes our Barbie’s enjoyed. I remember hours and hours of time spent with family and the one gift throughout the season was being with them. Aunts and Uncles, younger cousins; Christmas was always about being with family.

One year, when I believe money might have been an issue. Mom decided to creatively wrap every gift she had. There were trains and diggers and doll made out of many different boxes. These boxes were created into so many different things that the most joy came from seeing what came next. The looks on my young cousin’s faces were priceless and when you think about it, at that age, the unwrapping of the gifts could sometimes be more exciting.

Christmas has such a spirit of Joy still. Mom weaves through every part of it from the decorating, as you pull out one more decoration she made for you, to the clay Nativity set her and M painstakingly crafted for all 7 families. I still weep as these come out and it brings her once again back into my home. It’s as if she is beside me and I feel her warmth in my soul.
What we accomplish as parents at Christmas is so essential to a feeling that our children will carry forward and pass on for generation to generations to come.

I am hoping this year, as money is significantly less, and things will be very different, that my children and I can have such an incredible growth in spirit of family that I can at least find the hope that we too will know the peace of being a family and being together. If anticipation is an indicator we are so getting there. My heart beats faster each day as we get closer to all being together again.

Family is Zen!

Always.

That’s the spirit of Christmas.

As I Walk Through Life.

As I Walk Through Life ....

I've learned-that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-that we are responsible for what we do,no matter how we feel.

I've learned-that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-that sometimes when I'm angryI have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

I've learned-that two people can look atthe exact same thing and see something totally different.

author unknown

Snow, Glorius Snow!

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

So, we are having a heavenly snow storm right now! I absolutely love these. I just came in from outside and the thing I love the most is the stillness in the air while you are standing as snow falls all around you! What can I say. It's beautiful!

It's just over two weeks til Christmas. Here' a challenge. Instead of worrying what you haven't got done, think about what's in store. Reflect on the time you will be with people, whether your family or friends or whomever and think about how they can be a more influential part of your life. How you can be influential to them and make that the most important gift exchange of the season!

And then, go play in the snow.

You should have Joy in The Journey after all.

Christmas Essential.

"It is essential to know that to be a happy person, a happy family, a happy society, it is very crucial to have a good heart, that is very crucial. World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just the absence of violence but the manifestation of human compassion."

Dalai Lama

A happy heart....., can you help me understand what that might be? I was thinking the other day what makes someone happy? Is it who they are with? Is it what they believe? Is it what they have?

You see, in my life I have had many things both temporal and spiritual but the happiness I feel now comes from deep within. Very rarely do we have contention or anger in our lives. There is no harsh or ill feelings and we do love each other more now than we ever have.

It's a blessing of contentment to know that by definition we are who we are and we are okay with that. It's waking and sleeping knowing that alone is not lonely but a time to get to know who you are and what you can be for others. It is the lesson I am giving to my kids as they watch me be single.

Happiness is very much an unselfish act that gives to those around you. By being happy you can bring peace to those who you interact with and open a forum of understanding that gives homage to a restless soul. It can bring your own restless soul to peace.

There are times when I question; Would I be happier by definition if I were coupled? I think, in time, when the Big Guy sees fit, he will bring someone into my life, but for now, the family's happiness is dependant on my availability to them. Once they are all adults and my heart is completely healed, I can share my soul again with another in trust.

I look so forward to peace and harmony as the standard for defining me and my children. WE ARE SO GETTING THERE.

Can you even imagine the excitement we are all feeling as we get closer to being together in harmony and acceptance through this Christmas season . There will be no judgement this year, none at all!

Wow, I find such surprise in how far we have come and yet still remain a bit scared at how far we still have to go. All in all though, Yomomma and her family is generally at Zen most of the time!

Throughout all the years of knowing my precious babies I have seen in them some of the most compassionate and giving acts of kindness.They have pure and honest hearts. Yes, they are not perfect but what they are is kind and loving having grown up in an environment where that might not have been the norm.

Changing what is expected of you and becoming different that what others perceive will be your definition is the breaking of the cycle. I am so grateful for the breaking of this one cycle.

Peace for the season. May we all come to it in our own ways!

K, K, K & D, 11 more days to a complete family. Yeahhhhhhh!

What is Christmas?

What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.
Agnes M. Pharo

So, I am beginning to love this season. I am so looking forward to having the spirit of this great season be a part of our living, our life. When I was out with K -2 last night she spoke about hurrying Christmas along so it could be here. I didn't need to ask why. I knew, for her, Christmas meant that we would all be together and that we would just be..... again.

My heart melted at this thought. All of us, enjoying our Fondue and laughing about the crazy life we have shared together. We will open the Christmas Eve gift and and the girls will then negotiate the pj's around so they are all satisfied with the colors because every year I seem to get that mistaken.

D is thinking a sleeveless t shirt and flannels are good. It might be required since he has taken to walking around the house in his undies now that he is the only one around.

If I sound excited.... I am!

We remember years of Christmas's with Grandma L and the love that she infused into this season.

Peace will be ours this season.

Finally.

Whatever they Grow Up to Be!

"Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children."
Rosaleen Dickson

Do children ever stop needing their parents? I don’t mean in the way you think, not monetarily but in the way that says…. At the end of the day, someone out there loves me and has my back.

I spent the weekend in Van with my precious K -1 and K – 3. The feeling of elation I had as I saw them waiting by the baggage claim! My heart nearly blew out of my chest and I thought, wow, have I ever missed you two! I felt a piece of me was whole again.

They are doing well in Van. The city is vibrant and alive but within this family I have we long to be together always. Being a whole is fulfilling and peaceful but what surprises me most is how whole is defined now. It is much different than before.

I have no right as a parent to have any expectation on my children as to where they live once they are adults. They are free to chose where they go and to whom they go with. It’s weird though, this family connection. It’s what makes your birth hometown your home even when you haven’t lived in it the majority of your life. It’s what makes your heart at ease when the plane lands and you feel the earth that knows you and has been a part of you forever.

But is it earth and things or is it the people, the family you love that makes home….. makes your home?

My kids are so special to me. If all of them moved to Vancouver you can bet that I would pack up and move there too. But what if they splinter…. Some here; some there? What do I do then?

I have a need to smell and see my kidlets to know that a part of me is whole in them. I am their Mom and right now, for this time, the only parent in their lives. They are needed in a way and needy as well to feel and to know that they are part of something bigger than themselves. They need to know we are five and strong and together.

Had you told me five years ago that the K’s would get along let alone have the immense love and determination to be whole as sisters I would have scoffed and thought…pftt, no way! These girls are sisters in every sense of the word and love each other so much and when they are mothering D it is a sight to behold. That poor boy hasn’t a chance! He has 4 mothers and he is loved beyond words and deeds.

This is what completes us as humans, this God given unit we call family. This bond that unites and builds us and gives us strength and peace in a time where the world is so troubled and full of doubt. What I thank the Big Guy for is forgiveness and for tolerance and I have the strongest testimony of healing and the atonement now.

This Christmas we will all be together. The girls and I were talking and it was mentioned that with this Christmas is the possibility of peace for the first time in a huge number of years.

What can I say?

If I had ever wondered that to stand and make the statement of unconditional love as the key to the rebuilding of a very fractured and broken family, I have no doubt about that now!

My children are the bomb! I welcome you to look and to observe and see why this kind of love transcends all hurt and pain. It is the pure love that binds this most important family dimension that God so lovingly granted us. This eternal family of mine.

Amen to peace.

Amen to family!

Hello Down There!

For those southern neighbors who have to rely on a media who thinks the goings on of the country just north of them plays no importance to their welfare's I thought I'd give you the heads up of what has transpired. Not included, the GG proroguing of our Parliament.... go look that one up. Only in Canada!


December 01, 2008 Dear Calgary –Centre-North Constituents; There is considerable confusion about recent events in Ottawa, so I thought you might appreciate having some information. We are fortunate to live in a democracy. Democracy means “rule by the people”. The situation that is unfolding, as outlined below, is unprecedented and Canadians should have a say. The country’s most senior decision makers are the ones who need to know Canadians’ opinions about where things should go from here. If you wish to be heard on that you could contact Stephen Harper at pm@pm.gc.ca, Stéphane Dion at DionS@parl.gc.ca , Jack Layton at Layton.J@parl.gc.ca , and Gilles Duceppe at Duceppe.G@parl.gc.ca . As always, please do not hesitate to contact our office with any questions or concerns. Best regards, The Honourable Jim Prentice High drama on Parliament Hill On Friday November 28th it was learned that the Liberals and the NDP were holding talks aimed at defeating our government, reportedly planning to ask the Governor General to allow them to form a coalition Liberal-NDP government with the support of the Quebec separatists. Yesterday there was the shocking allegation that the NDP has for several weeks now had a secret deal with the Quebec separatists to seize power at an opportune moment. Jack Layton brags about his deal with the Quebec separatist Bloc Quebecois and how it has allowed him to enter into coalition talks with the Liberals. For details of the tape go to: http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20081130/conservative_budget_081130/20081130?hub=TopStories <http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20081130/conservative_budget_081130/20081130?hub=TopStories> This situation raises a number of serious concerns, including: * This appears to be a premeditated power grab by the separatists and the socialists partnering with the federal Liberals to take over the government without an election using the economic situation as a ruse. * Any Liberal-NDP coalition would have to make significant concessions to the Bloc Québécois, a Quebec separatist party with no desire to protect Canada’s best interests. * Should this plot to seize power succeed, serious further economic instability is certain to result. * For example, a change in Ministers would require several months to recruit capable staff, become briefed on issues, and formulate policy direction and plans, among other transition responsibilities. This, together with a significant shift to the left on several policy fronts, would be very destabilizing to our entire country and disrupt relations with our trading partners at a time where there is already instability due to external pressures. * Just this October, support for the federal Liberals fell to its lowest level in history. * Stéphane Dion, a leader not supported even by his own party, could become Prime Minister. * If another Liberal was simply appointed Leader and thus Prime Minister, that person would not have a democratic mandate, even from his own Liberal party. * However, it appears that Jack Layton has really been the chief schemer behind any Liberal-NDP coalition propped up by concessions to Quebec separatists. Should this give him greater power he will certainly force far reaching changes to the treatment of our country’s job and wealth creators and to our hard won fiscal stability. Prime Minister's statement On Friday evening, even before some of these details came to light, the Prime Minister publicly expressed his concerns about this situation. You can read his remarks at: http://www.pm.gc.ca/eng/default.asp <http://www.pm.gc.ca/eng/default.asp> <http://www.pm.gc.ca/eng/default.asp <http://www.pm.gc.ca/eng/default.asp> > How did this happen? The NDP and Liberals are using the economy to justify their attempt to seize power but our government has the economic situation well in hand. Here are the facts. The Government's handling of the economic situation shows that action was taken early and was significant. On November 27th 2008 the Finance Minister tabled the regular fall Economic and Fiscal Statement. This Statement sets out the Government’s key short-term and long-term objectives as it prepares the next Budget. Budget 2009 will be tabled on January 27, 2009 – the earliest Budget ever. The Federal Government has led the world in preparing for the current economic downturn. In Budgets 2006, 2007, and 2008 significant economic stimulus was injected into the Canadian economy by way of permanent tax reductions of $200 billion for job and wealth creators and for individual Canadians. An additional $39 billion was transferred to the provinces to support health care, education, and other social programs. Also the largest infrastructure spending program since the Second World War to the tune of $33 billion was put into place. Other countries are now following Canada’s lead with similar measures. However, unlike Canada, most of them are only providing short-term stimulus. Canada’s measures are permanent. Further, these types of stimulus measures need lead time to implement before they actually impact the economy. So Canada’s early action has enabled us to enter this period of turbulence in the best position of all G7 countries. The important thing to note in all of this is that the current calls for fiscal stimulus ignore the fact that such action was taken early and was significant. As the situation worsens our Government will take further measures. Some of these were identified in the Economic and Fiscal Statement and some will be contained in Budget 2009, which will be tabled on January 27. Our Government is managing Canada’s economy in a prudent and careful way both for the short-term recessionary pressures and for the long term. For more information, here are some helpful links: - News Release Announcing Fiscal and Economic Statement http://www.fin.gc.ca/news08/08-095e.html <http://www.fin.gc.ca/news08/08-095e.html> - Things the Government has done to ensure the banks have enough money for new mortgages and other lending http://www.fin.gc.ca/news08/data/08-095_1e.html <http://www.fin.gc.ca/news08/data/08-095_1e.html> - 2008 Fiscal and Economic Statement http://www.fin.gc.ca/ec2008/ec-eng.html <http://www.fin.gc.ca/ec2008/ec-eng.html> - 2007 Economic Statement http://www.fin.gc.ca/news07/07-083e.html <http://www.fin.gc.ca/news07/07-083e.html> Rally for Canada Support democracy at the Rally for Canada http://www.rallyforcanada.ca/ <http://www.rallyforcanada.ca/> Sign a petition http://canadians4democracy.ca/ <http://canadians4democracy.ca/>
CTV.ca NDP, Bloc in coalition talks before fiscal update: tape
Source: www.ctv.ca


The New Democrats and Bloc Quebecois held talks to form a coalition party well before the opposition's uproar over the government's fiscal update, according to an audio recording of NDP Leader Jack Layton.
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Oh Canada!

I thought I'd give you a glimpse of the future Prime Minister of Canada. Well, that's if we give up on any concept of democracy and enlightenment in Canada. It's sad, you know. I have read about countries when governments are taken over by bloodless coups and it never struck me as something I would ever witness in my own country. I am horrified at this for my children. What kind of democracy lies in their future.
Alas, this is canada with a small c. Politics and greed are coming way before the will or good of the people.
When you watch our leaders in Parliament..... well, lets just say... GONG SHOW!
I've done all I can now. I have written my MP, the Governor General, all the opposition leaders, joined the ranks of the people attending rallies and even signed a petition that was nearing over 100,000 signatures and it was only 4 hours old.
To the WWW I think I'll leave you with a little sarcasm and some irony. Do politicians ever listen, an if not, then do they not seal the fate of this great country! Thanks Stephan, is this really how you want to be remembered.

No Bravery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtQjMSfBs90

So, I'm not sure where to start or how to explain this but I will. Since I was a very little girl my Father has always encouraged me to seek truth, we've been here before, I've blogged about him. He taught me about the world and always, and I mean always, wanted and needed me to understand world events and reasons for turmoil and war were essential to being human in a world that we live in.
He was never anti war but he was for peace and safety and justice and taught me that sometimes these things come at a price. My family has a long history of service in wars and I understood early on that war, in itself, has a place.
That place comes when injustice and intolerance over ride wisdom, peace and safety for a people. I am not going to involve myself in an argument of right or wrong here but I want to know... why?
As I watch the TV and see the escalating tensions in India, Afghanistan, Africa, Iraq, Iran, Somalia, hell.... just about everywhere around the entire world and see that in these clips you barely see women and children unless it is some gory cheap shot at tantalizing an audience; Why, please someone tell me why?
Why in the middle east do they have to continue age old tensions about difference in cultures and peoples and make those tensions escalate to civil unrest and in the end, the suffering is had by the women and the children of their own country.
Why, when there is nothing left to fight over and they have exhausted their ammunition's and turf wars do these vile and evil men then attack the women and children of their own country by bombing their markets and city streets?
Why do these so called men call into battle young boys who then grow to inherit hate and continue a pointless and ridiculous battle over religion or a piece of dirt that produces no sustenance because it has been destroyed by greed and envy?
Why must the greed of twisted and prideful men destroy the hope and healing of their own nation.
As I watch TV and see the clips of men, shouting and hollering and jumping in destructive elation at the continuation of the destruction of their own people, is this really sanity.
War is cruel.
War is prideful.
War takes no solace in the heartfelt pleas of mothers and children to stop and end the brutality.
As I saw the pictures of the young Rabbi and his beautiful wife and the frightened nanny who was able to escape with their child and save his life I asked, why? Because a family believes differently, you kill them? Because they serve your very people and provide shelter and live a selfless life you kill because they believe in the Torah?
The father and daughter setting out on a trip of discovery to an Ash Ram to study the peaceful practise of meditation. You kill them because they hold an American passport? WHY! What did a thirteen year old girl and a loving Father have to do with your conflict?
So many others needlessly gunned down because why?
And the truth. 160 deaths and just under 30 were foreigners. The rest were your own people. You are killing your own people. Why?
Why were 4000 people killed in the world trade centers? Because they didn't believe like you?
I will never understand but what I know is this.
In the end, no matter the reason or justification for the battle, the suffering happens alone to the mothers and children of the world.
Selfish and greedy men inflict havoc and the destruction always falls on the innocents.
That is not bravery.
There is no Bravery in that.
I pray for peace.

Viewpoints to Reality

"The human mind, in its desire to know, understand, and control, mistakes its opinions and viewpoints for the truth. It says; this is how it is. You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret "your life" or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge any situation, it is no more than a viewpoint, one of many possible perspectives. It is no more than a bundle of thoughts. But reality is one unified whole, in which all things are interwoven, where nothing exists by itself."

Eckhart Toille

There I go, thinking deep again. There is something about Eckhart Toille’s writings that rings familiar to my soul and the more I read by him the more I understand the reasons why I want to be Mormon and be strong without placing judgment on others. Somehow his words make it understandable to be so wronged by a culture and yet feel the need to have that faith in my life. Yeah, I know; doesn’t make much sense, but wait, let me try to explain.

The struggle of being Mormon for me is not in the doctrines or the principles of the gospel. It remains in the culture.

My divorce has devalued me in it and now, more than at anytime, church can be very lonely. There isn’t a Sunday where I don’t allow myself to feel judged. Now wait; read those words again. I AM ALLOWING the judgment. It may not even be there, it is me that brings those feelings in.

People who have known me my whole life stopped speaking to me when I left M. One woman, who would converse and was very friendly with me prior now will turn and walk away if I am in a hallway she has to go down. But why is that happening. Is it a snub or does she not know what to say or how to feel?

At first, this bothered me. Now, I am coming to terms that there are all sorts of people who have all sorts of different reactions and to know why their actions are what they are is just not something that is ever going to be easy for me to grasp.

What if some of the truth lies within my own behavior?

I may never understand why being single by choice because being married was so destructive changes your abilities to serve or befriend people at church but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t change me and how I treat people. Maybe what I need to do is start trying to reach out to those who may be uncomfortable with me now and make it easier for them to feel safe around the single soul that I am.

I was thinking the other day, as one particular sister almost looked like she was going to die having to be near the singles; "what is it that makes you so uncomfortable around us?" A soft and calming voice whispered to my soul; "because there by the grace of God go I".

AHA moment. Sometimes in this life I live it is closer than some may want it to ever be.

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill

Christmas is coming! It’s been difficult wrapping (mind the pun) my heart and head around it this year. For a couple of reasons it is going to be very different and yet in some very great ways it will be spectacular. Here’s what I am on about.

No Money! The economy sucks and even more than that there is no more child support so the reality is it is going to be a very sparse Christmas.

This is the first year that I will only be able to give in a very minimalist way and I am feeling kind of sad. Usually, I can cash in stocks or find some extra money some where but that just isn’t so this year. So this season my kids are really going to feel it. That’s not so bad. They already understand and have been saying for weeks to each and all of us to scale back. My kids get this and for that reason, even though it isn’t the greatest of news, it’s an opportunity for the greatest of life lessons. I love them for embracing these.

Christmas was Grandma and without her we feel her loss more. It’s hard to live up to what she was able to give in a way that even she felt sometimes was not enough. She gave of her time and energy and she knew what giving was when it came to Christmas. We miss her most at this time of year.

I am doing my best to build that feeling and anticipation for my family in my home and I can see that it is starting to grow. My girls in Vancouver are excited to come home, we here are even more excited that they are coming and all the talk is about spending the time together.

The one thing I think I love that the most about this new and redefined family is very simple. You can’t even imagine what it is like to love being in the company of one another. That wasn’t something that could have always been said to be true so to see it becoming a part of who we are now is AWESOME! It is ZEN!

People look in on my family and see a fractured and broken home. I resent the concept that we are broken in any way. We are mended and thriving and finding in each other an opportunity to utilize the Savior’s atonement to it’s most treasured and profound outcome.

The mere fact that we will sit on Christmas Eve at our traditional fondue evening and smile and giggle and argue that "wine and liquor still isn’t allowed in my house so have some when you get home to yours", in the jest that makes the plan of salvation so real to my family and to myself. To know that we understand the Savior’s gospel as we celebrate his birth. To also know we adore and care about each other in spite of each other’s life choices because that kind of love transcends judgment and criticism, as it should and that this truly is what the meaning of giving is at this season for my family… for me.

We give each other hope and love and unconditional acceptance, forgiveness and support. Please someone help me to understand why this could ever be considered broken or failed. In my eyes, this kind of sacrifice defines giving. This is the Christmas that Yomomma’s mother helped to establish and that makes the world, at least in the eyes of the five of us, a simple and more secure place.

Christmas this year will have no anger…. It’s gone. It will have no judgment, it’s gone. It will have a spirituality about it that personifies all that it is meant to be. Think about it. The Savior made his debut in a real and purposeful way. He came to his family in quietness and solitude. He came in hope to the ones, in the end, who would always love Him, the most. I connect to Mary for that one reason and one reason alone. To understand and grasp a mother’s unconditional and infinite love for a child and the dedication to be there throughout, no matter what. It’s the divinity of the blessing of that great role - motherhood. A role I thank the Big Guy for everyday!

So to my kidlets; bring the season on! Here’s to the first of many Christmas seasons filled with peace, love, hope, tranquility and most of all, JOY. It’s the beginning of many that will be conflict free!

Inner Peace

“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”
Gerald Jampolsky

I have really been thinking about some of the reasons I have been uneasy with my life. I should have zen flowing through it and couldn't quite figure out what the issue is. Then my daughter said something to me yesterday.
"You know Mom, I'm okay. You didn't totally screw up."
I still am sometimes brought to tears over what was. I have spent a fair amount of time contemplating what I could and should have done to be different, to make my life different. I realize that living like this just isn't productive.
So here is what I am on about.
Forgiveness, both for yourself and for others.
Now, I am not blowing smoke here. I have had to learn to forgive some pretty unforgivable stuff and I still struggle with it but man, the freedom for your own sanity by just taking a different perspective on it is liberating.
Owning your baggage and working to understand your own role in the difficult life you are living can really be enlightening to your mental and emotional health. I would have never come to know myself if I hadn't of first looked at what I was about and the roles I played in the life I was living.
Changing those roles so as to improve your life not just for yourself but those around you is a win-win argument and should be a goal always.
Yeah, it is still hard. But it is getting better everyday.
Make you days better. Life to improve each moment and get out of the rut that comes from holding resentment and anger.
Now, I am going out there to practise what I preach.

Big D

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have something exciting to attend tonight. I've been around for plenty of awards and honors for my kids but tonight is a bit more special. The Big D is getting an award at his High School. This made me think back to about 10 years ago and a private school evaluation that D meister went through.

He stayed for evaluation for 1 full day of school and when the day was over the head mistress called me in to discuss with me the needs of my "special"child. She then went on to explain she felt he was very mentally handicapped and that he needed intervention so that he could become a contributing member of society.

Heart ache would not describe the feeling. We had him accessed by people who knew what they were doing and they told us he would be fine.

So Edison, he's scored perfectly and next to perfect on most of his provincial exams since grade three, he has excelled and beyond in his studies and tonight, he's being awarded for not just his noogin but for his heart and love for school so next time you decide that a child who has visited you classroom is hopeless..... (I believe those were your words) remember that this is a child you are talking about and yeah.... you sometimes get it very wrong.

What's the lesson here.

Moms/Dads, so you son or daughter is active and spinning chairs and talking and basically appearing unfocused, it may just be boredom and that what you have is one smart cookie who when he finally figures how to process it all and not be bored may prove to be just genius!

And BTW, he is awesome on the saxophone, just another gift.

The Haircut... he still won't speak to me!

Before:

After:

He still is PO'd at me!

Capable of Becoming

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is so thrilling and wonderful and when you put all of it into an eternal perspective that is healthy and meaningful you begin to see just how much of a role you play in it for yourself.

Who am I? I am just a girl whose been through a lot who has come out of it a bit scared, more in awe of a gospel that teaches such love and compassion that it fulfills me, and better because now, I live to understand and never judge. At least I try.

I am coping and growing and changing constantly. As I awoke this morning, beyond thrilled that in a few hours I will be picking up my precious K3 who just 5 months ago we admitted to a treatment facility for drug abuse and eating disorders, I can not believe the continuing transformation in her life. My gosh, the transformation of all of our lives.

I lived angry and frustrated and hurt for so long and it wasn't until I fully grasped that all of those feelings were destroying me and the people around me that I could facilitate a change for the better. The choice was always mine to be happy. I cannot force change on anyone but I could determine what changes were necessary for happiness in my own life and could and would change the lives of those close around me.

If you would have told me that even three months ago that I could be even happier in the life conditions I am facing now I would have told you that you were crazy.

Single parents out there everywhere. You can do it! It may not be the definition of perfect that you had always envisioned for yourself but it can be redefined for a purer and more accessible peace and contentment. Redefine Happy! Make it work for yourself.

Bishop H asked me to do something that was difficult and heart breaking. I didn't understand why and was angry I was even asked. These are normal feelings and should not be hidden or ashamed of. I worked through it and though I never understood I garnished the faith that I would eventually and moved forward. Yikers that was hard and still continues to be.

So here we are, month two in, and wow, what a step up in peace and spirituality and responsibility that we are all taking. Every child is contributing in some way, whether it be a mental, spiritual, physical or an emotional way. We were already a family team that loved and adored each other but now we are becoming a unit that really defines family in its purest terms.

If you were to tell me that I would have witnessed this healing and loving coming from a family that was so dysfunctional and screwed up in just a few years I would have thought you daft! But wow, we are!

Wow, we really are!

There is still a bit of a mist hanging over us. I suspect it will always be there. Every child will continually seek out the acceptance of a toxic parent. It is Divine nature to seek that acceptance. My role will always be to cushion and pray that at some point it will be different for them somehow. That their relationship with their D will change and they can find that peace.

The hardest task I face is standing back and watching the attempts. Every nurturing bone in my body wants to protect them from harm and emotional pain but I can't. It sucks, but I really can't. My kids know how I feel. I support them in whatever choice they make to define that relationship. I try and teach them about expectations and hope that they will find resolution, somehow, someway.

For now though, our choice as a family and mine individually is to continue in the pursuit of happiness always recognizing bumps, potholes and stumbling blocks that liter the path to it.

Here's a shout out to someone I admire more than she will ever know.

Abuse, any form of it, whether it be physical, sexual, spiritual or emotional is so difficult and confusing, especially for kids who eventually turn into adults. Our children, especially those who have been irreversible scared by it will sometimes lash out. A wise Dr. W told me, in the beginning of this journey, when my K's were so angry at everything, especially me, that they did this because they understood they could and when it was over, I was always going to be the one who loved them unconditionally and would let slide their behavior in the end. So even though they sometimes hated me back then and were so angry that they didn't even talk to me, it all sorted itself out in time. Patience, above all is the key and never give up on them, ever. Eventually, they will begin to understand your straddled path in their journey and recognize you really did everything you could to help them and in the end, you just loved them, always. That you will love them, forever.

Here's the secret, just care for them in whatever way they will allow. Over and over and over again. That love will transcend every horrible and hurtful thing they have encountered. It always has for me. Please know that there were many times I wanted to give up. Why submit yourself to that. As I look at it know, I am glad I never did give up. I wouldn't have this Zen in my life.

Yeah, total Zen. Redefined.

I feel closer to filling those profound and formidable footprints of a genuine life my precious mother left for me to fill. I still have about 25 years left to catch up to her, I hope that I can and that when it's my time to go join the party with Mom and Grandma, Aunt June, everyone, that I can be welcomed with honor and peace. That they will greet me, with the Savior, knowing and acknowledging I did the best I could do, on a definition more suited to me than by others who never really knew me.

Test of Courage

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."


Ralph W Sockman

Here’s another bandwagon. It’s a direct result of a situation that is occurring in facebook and involves my precious K2.

My daughters have left the fold; hopefully that’s not news to all of you. They do not define themselves as LDS and it context would probably be offended if you did, but not for the reasons you think.

I have tried to raise them to not be hypocrites. For that reason, to say you are Mormon and then live outside the principles would be hypocritical so they don’t and won’t define themselves as such. Hard for me to say but I do respect them for being who they are and unafraid of saying it.

With that being said, let me explain.

Proposition 8

Yikes, in even lettering the words it makes me shudder at the controversy. K2 read a note off facebook that addressed this issue from a LDS point of view (remember this reference) and took offense at the bigotry of it. She understood the argument but in it’s delivery it hit some low, unChrist-like blows, on the homosexuals.

She commented on it and spoke to the intolerance of Mormon’s in general and addressed what she felt was inappropriate comments about homosexuals.

It was never easy for my girls to be LDS. In the end, they just felt more accepted and less judged outside the confines of the church. It would be easy to give you all the nasty details but it would serve no purpose. They have left, and really, should be of no concern for most people. Those to whom their concern does lie have their backs and care.

What scares me here though is the verbosity of the comebacks and disregard of the reasons for her feelings. As members, we far too often dismiss the words of a disavowed member because they have "issues" or are "disgruntled". To say, "You obviously have been hurt but that is no reason to attack the church" is immature in thought and deed.

It is ridiculous to assume that the only reason people leave the church is because of some misdeed or sin they can not overcome. As if that would be the only reason for leaving. For some, maybe. For most, highly unlikely. We need to open our eyes and ears and really listen and for goodness sakes reach out beyond our precious Mormon bubble and truly see and hear what it is that is being debated about the church I know we all love.

We are powerful and have a huge network but if used in a way that can be conceived as bullying then what is it we are accomplishing and do we then not set ourselves up to be picketed.

Fact: We as members only represented less than 2 % of the vote in the California election. Yes, we were just a little fish in a big pond. But we network like no other organization and when our leaders issued their call, (http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/california-and-same-sex-marriage) and we as a people responded it resulted in a 20:1 margin of donations and time. What does that mean exactly? It means that for every $1.00 that was donated by someone who wasn’t Mormon in support of Prop 8, Mormons donated $20.00. Cha-ching; now you see why people are mad. The Prop 8 organization had power and used it. In the end what should have been just another Proposition the ballot became a firestorm.

So I guess you are wondering what my take on the whole thing is. I am not really going to go there. I don’t live in California and if I did the wonderful thing about voting is it is a private matter.

But let me state this.

I believe in marriage. I believe in fidelity and peace. I have no desire to ever be okay that the rights for same sex couples to be married should ever be imposed to happen in our church because it does not straddle our doctrines. I don’t believe that is being demanded here, however. Can we really be so bold as to take choice away without risking greater consequence to ourselves? We know these are the last days.

Define LDS for me. Does it suffice with just one definition or does it have within its roots many different levels. Is one Mormon better than the next because he/she lives it differently? Is someone who attends the temple diligently, home teaches 100% by the 10th of every month, pays a full tithe, attends church regularly but emotionally crushes and abuses his/her family a better Mormon because of his perceived actions in front of others or is the silently dedicated, not so educated simple living Mormon who loves and adores his/her family more LDS. Can you really say and why does anyone think they have that right to say anything at all?

If we cannot even define ourselves as people and live in unity then how can we have expectations on the definition of something as abstract as marriage?

Here’s my point.

Have an opinion. Vote your opinion. But if it is criticized, rather than strike back, hold firm to what you know for yourself. This advise goes both ways. Do as your mother taught you and agree to disagree.

We cannot as a church do what we did and then profess that we are only a small percentage of the vote. We were, as a people, instrumental in the results of that proposition. Expect to be criticized! Expect to be protested and then, above all else, be tolerant.

Let there be peace.

Always!

You Haven't Asked

A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy's failure, he asked, "Are you using all your strength?"
"Yes, I am," the little boy said impatiently.
"No, you are not," the father answered. "I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you."

Author Unknown


Deep hey? I came across this and my heart shuddered. I believe this is my Achilles heel. Along with a ton of other things that make life make sense.


What am I on about?


Struggles and heart ache. Yes, the metaphor is there that we just need to ask the Big Guy and he'll help us but there is much more meaning if you think deeper and more abstractly.


The way we seek help, the way it is offered, how it is delivered is never done in the same same for each unique experience we have. What if the help the Big Guy offers comes in the shape of a church leader, a visiting teacher, a home teacher, a school teacher, a friend.


Deeper thought - what if the BG's intent is for us to be the aid to someone else's struggle and how do we ever know.


So many people have helped me and my family. I couldn't even list them all and there are times when I feel like the scale is so lopsided now that repaying will never be realized.

I try and find ways to serve others but all of the traditional ways require time that is a valuable commodity to me. Fitting it all in is prit near impossible.

As I learn to balance this new, crazy busy life of mine I hope that I can be open enough to the spirit to know when to ask for and when to offer the help this world needs for it to be balanced from my paradigm.

Worse for Where?

"Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say."

Wayne Dyer

I had a flashback last night of monumental proportions. It was eerie and beautiful all at the same time. It involved Big D.

I got the dreaded call, the one that every parent hates getting.

"Mom, it's me. You're going to be mad..... please don't be mad."

"What did you do D?"

"I had an accident, the car is totalled.'

Right at that moment as the anger was seething up to the surface I flashed back 31 years and remember a memory moment of all memory moments.

Picture those same words coming out of my mouth and my mother reaching out to me and just embracing me, thanking the Big Guy for keeping me safe.

I wasn't perfect, I did express frustration; only because money is so tight and fixing the car may be next to impossible but what I did do was ask, "Are you okay, is everyone okay?" There was the sound of an ambulance coming in the background and my heart was sinking but D assured me everything was fine.

When I arrived at the accident scene I just hugged D, told him how much I loved him and cried that he was safe. The police officer walked over, thanked me for raising such an incredible and respectful kid and made sure I knew that D was 100% NOT AT FAULT and there was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident. He continues to make me so proud.

Four kids, three accidents. All coming out safely... knock on wood! As a parent you never get used to this but you always are grateful and say the silent prayed of gratitude for a child coming out unscathed and pray for the parents of those kids that don't .

D is aching, he'll be busing it for a while. I played mean parent and made him follow through all the incidentals of an accident. Calling the AMA, getting the car to the car lot etc. I'm giving him a bit of a reprieve as he rests today, soothing his aching back and neck.

I'll never really know how well I do as a parent until I watch my children parent their kids. I know my Mom was almost always great and more than anything else, she was an excellent example that I use over and over again as I raise my kids.

I hope that the way I live will be the best way of letting my kids know who and what I am about. I may never be what some may think I should be but in the end, the only thing that matters is what my children think I am and who I am to my Father in Heaven.

To Put The World Right.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

Confucius

How does one set their heart right? Any ideas?

I spent the last couple of days helping out K-2 and attending my niece's, who just happens to share my name, baptism. I was to give the talk on Baptism. Yikes, I thought we divorcees were exempt from speaking. DIA!

My heart has had many a crooked road be it's path for a long time and I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say or have the people feel. My niece is a precious, beautiful girl with one of the kindest young hearts I know. I really love her and speaking at her baptism in front of people I didn't even know really scared me and I don't get scared that often.

I was trying to figure it all out and while meditating I came across the notion to look at the tithing record for the year I had just received. It had my baptism date on it. Guess what it was? November 15, 1969!

I was baptised 39 years ago today! I remember every moment of every hour of that day. From the discussion of the fact that I did indeed have to wear a dress, a fate worse than death for me at that time in my life, and that I couldn't show the people the competitive swimming turn I had just mastered in the font after my baptism.

What I remember most of all is the feeling I came home with that night. I was different. I knew I was changed. I knew the Gift of the Holy Ghost was going to make knowing what to do just a bit easier.

It's funny how these memory days stick with us like glue. There have been many times in the last couple of years where quitting was contemplated and what brought me back was that feeling and how it comes back to me over and over again bearing witness that FOR ME, being Mormon works. ALWAYS.

So Confucius believes all thing stem from a heart set straight. Wow, I really believe that knowing your right with yourself, especially if your a Mom, can make the whole world right for all your family around you. There is always peace in the face of a content woman.

Here's to getting right with the universe.