In my Heart Only

So, Ive been through something that was pretty hard. Unfortunately everyone around me is so tired or jeez, I don't know, disinterested in it that I crashed and burned all in my lonesome and I think I had a huge AHA moment.

I have always gauge my life and those in by the interaction I had with my mother. That being said, "do my kids treat me the way I treated my mother?" and what can  do to have value in their lives.

I learned yesterday that the answer is nothing. For so many years I have fought to prove my value and yesterday I realized I should never have to do that. If they couldn't take the time to care over this then there's not much else to say.

Stpping away now.

STRONG

You never know how strong you are 

until being strong 

is the only choice you have.

Somedays and in some ways life has a way bringing perspective to the forefront. I am in that place. Tomorrow I have surgery, a surgery I never expected but all the same, one that can make life come into balance. 

To the balancing of life!

To the Morning

"Why do birds sing in the morning? It's the triumphant shout: 

'We got through another night!'"

 - Enid Bagnold

Every morning and every night this beautiful prairie meadowlark gladly proclaims his song on the evergreen outside my window. He begins around 4:30am and returns at around 10pm. It's a beautiful melody and to tell you the truth it is very appealing. I count on the lyrical serenade as for some very deep and profound reason it brings me solace.

This week has been a rough one for many in and out of the church. A good Internet friend, one to whom I have watched transition from a soft spoken, intelligent leader to a women with a cause was excommunicated. Once again, the story was picked up by the NY Times and then the world press. My friend John Dehlin has been served notice as well.

And so it goes again. I have seen this scenario played out a few times in the church in my years on the spinning globe. My fear that Kate has been sacrificially slaughtered as a warning to all other deep thinking progress Mormon feminists is not unfounded. She stepped out of place, she's been owned as they say.

The sad result however is the attacks of so many on KATE KELLY by those ever so lovely Mormons with such grand intentions of proclaiming the truth; being ever so Christ-like in their words. I am so tired of what some call "righteous indignation". I call Bullshit. It's just bullying, pure and simple. 

"Get back in line or we will make you get back in line or get out of our church all together". 

Rule 1 in criticism of the church. Be prepared. Especially if you are a Mormon.

I resigned my membership just over 6 months ago. Best decision I have ever made in my life. I don't miss the religion of Mormonism. The cruel harsh reality of a persecution complex on crack demanding faith as your forefathers lost their lives for it. If only members would take a realistic look at their history and see the only true persecution came from within their very own actions.

My whole life I was taught freedom could only be had within the faith. Wow, I have NEVER BEEN MORE FREE than these last 6 months. Free to think, free to act, free to decide and to actually own my decisions and defend them to myself and no one else. That is freedom, true freedom.

I want these words down for posterity. The sad reality is my Mormon relatives will always see me as a heretic; a broken, crippled woman who has lost her way. The truth is that I have never been so found in my entire life.

I never used to pay much attention to the meadowlark outside my window before, I am sure he has always been there. He sits on the top of the tallest pine tree and sings for hours, his song so soothing to my soul. I worry less, I feel more, I love more deeply and I hardly ever judge, excepting those Mormons that constantly call me to repentance; those I judge.

This world, Our God, would never count on such a small amount of "holier than thou" religious zealots to save all of humanity, he just wouldn't. It just doesn't make sense. God is just not that cruel.

On Being Alone

So, why start writing again? I am sure that's a question that will be asked when you realize I have taken to words again.

Well.

I have been under the weather lately. My mind tends to wander when that happens and since I struggle on a daily basis with what some would call depression and I say the blues as I have been told by the Dr's I don't qualify to the label of depression this then results in a wandering mind.

On Thursday a friend who removed me from contact over 3 years ago left a note in my mailbox. Wayne brought it to me and as I read it it brought back so many fond memories of a very long shared friendship. I miss her, and I don't miss that many of my old acquaintances.

I held the note for a short while. You see, when I let that old social network in inevitably they cause harm so I am quite leery. What to do? I decided that since I have been so alone for so long I would reach out and see what it is she wanted.

BIG MISTAKE!

The conversation begins as all Mormon conversations do; speaking about the accomplishments of your children and to clarify it isn't anything other than the amount of grandchildren, their marriage status and their children. They don't care about careers, about life skills; it's all about "are they active, are they happy in the gospel because to Mormons there is no happiness anywhere else. Two minutes in I realized that it was not going to be any different.

Man I don't miss this.

Within a few short minutes and out of nowhere my friend began a narrative about another good friend's son and his indiscretions. She was specific and heartless. This good friend whose son she was speaking about is someone I don't know well but I am close to S the mother and hearing this was repulsive to me. S and I speak often and if this was something she wanted me to know she would have told me. I knew then the conversation was over, done.

More importantly I came to know for sure just how grateful I am for being out of the church as conversations, intimate, detailed conversations of gossip are something I am very rarely involved with.

I know I would rather have 2 close friends then a ward of friends whose whole being is evolving around the perfectness of lives. Do Mormons even know just how cruel they are to each other? I live in such a different world and every once in a while those awful character traits come out in me. I catch myself now and change the direction and even though I live a very lonely life it is still one I would rather have then go backwards to the kind of cruelty I witnessed this week.

Unfortunately I confided in her about a situation I am dealing with and one I have hoped she would keep to herself. I know I placed my trust in the wrong place and I know there will be a price to pay for it.

Still learning life lessons and failing.

Oh well.

Time Passing

“You'll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. 

Be bold enough to live life on your terms,
and never, ever apologize for it. 

Go against the grain,
refuse to conform,
take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path.
Laugh in the face of adversity,
and leap before you look. 

Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. 

March to the beat of your own drummer. 

And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”  

~Mandy Hale

So for over the last year I have fought an internal battle of my soul. It seemed that my words were making some people uncomfortable. I received a phone call stating so and true to the weakness of my being I crumbled and put down my pen.

I'm not sure why, maybe I needed to think through life rather than write through it but whatever may be in changed me.

In December of 2013 I had had enough. I was tired of being told who and what I was supposed to be. Tired of being forced to live between the lines defined by religious zealots who felt they controlled my destiny. Tired of it all.

I wrote a simple letter, a simple paragraph that had I known the freedom of spirit it would grant to me I would have done it so much sooner.

This last 6 months have been so liberating as I have allowed myself to absorb a truth that living defined not man. This path has never been easy but so well worth it.

So why pick up the pen now?

Curve balls.

I have always feared the journey I am about to embark on. It seems to be the path of many of the women of my family before me. I have no fear now as the reality has hit.

It's funny how you can lose a religion that so defined you and find so much of yourself once you do.

I will continue to chronicle this new journey and do so knowing everything will be OK.