What You Think

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey



I have had an experience tonight that made me realize that I doubt I will ever be fully understood. The misconception of an abused women interferes with people seeing me for who I am and what I mean to say.

I am not sure how to overcome this.

I have never felt more healthy and secure in my life. I have brought my family....., well, let me rephrase this; all of us together have brought this family out of a very dark and dismal place and we are all functioning in a way that defines emotional recovery.

My family will always have baggage but it is packed and put away. It may not appear that we have come out of this unscathed but the reality is we will have scars and that these scars are, for the most part, healed.

I tried to tell someone how I felt today. About the feelings I have when I am at church, about feeling invisible and I believe I was completely misunderstood.

I have been through so much and I have exercised more faith than I ever have in my entire life. To receive an admonition to have more faith seems repetitive and patronizing. Why do people think my tears or my frustrations indicate that I haven't let go. Please! Please try and hear what I am saying!

I can't communicate this anymore. I will never understand why I have to pay such a huge price for my life. I made every effort possible to avoid this outcome and yet everyday I pay a huge price for it. Why do divorced people have to sit back and just be invisible. Why does any expression of emotion or frustration mean instability or weakness? Why can't it indicate recovery and healing? What if all we want is for life to just be back to a normal way, the way you lived before.

If I learned anything today it is to just shut up and remain invisible and hope that someday someone will recognize my heart as healed not still wounded.

This is where I question my faith and ask myself why I bother. It's the point where some just give up.

I know people respect my journey. I know my news is old and over, believe it or not, it is for me too but I will never understand.

You say I am negative and yet I am trying to change a culture that breeds negativity.

I will put the smile back on my face and "keep sweet" and you will see me on my bench every Sunday because I know that is what the Big Guy needs me to do. But my underlying weariness is there .

And people wonder why singles are leaving the church in droves.

For those who are reading this please know I am still very happy in my life. As a matter of fact, I love what my life has become in so many ways except in church.

I can't change a culture, I just have to learn to accept its parameters and live within them.