“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”
~ Nicholas Parks, At First Sight
My greatest weakness has always been my fear of what others think of me. I now realise just how vain that weakness is. I don't think there is a self help book or audio tape or manual I haven't read for a solution to this weakness. For the most part I have a hold on it. No doubt I have those times when I get all crazy headed and find the insecurities knocking on my psyche, what's a girl to do?
I have been absent for a bit. We hit a bump in the road and mended it. K2 has a grace and resiliency I admire so much. Each of my children are stronger than anyone will ever know. They are my soul and heart and I am who I am because of them.
I have been working through some choices these past few weeks. Some easy, some so hard they would bend and break the strongest of souls and when in the midst of pondering the path best suited for me I can sometimes come across unseen or unexpected obstacles. A few days ago, I met a match that nearly broke me.
What am I on about?
The repeated insanity of exclusion and expecting a different outcome.
I very rarely come across members of my old ward. That's pretty incredible when you think I live in south Calgary and my ward only takes in four neighborhoods, about 10 mile square block. I am not sure why but if what I just experienced speaks to it then maybe there is the answer.
W and I were out and about and ran across my old Bishop, his wife ( a very close friend once) and two other couples. None of them were actually together. That is more members of my old ward I have seen on one evening then I have seen in the last year. It happened after a cursed day so my emotions were in the can anyway. Well, what I don't understand is I have been friends with some of these people for over 30 years, yes, let me say that again, THIRTY YEARS. Is it so hard to manage a hello or even to approach us? Are we so evil that if you dare speak to us you might just catch our apostasy as you so delicately call it? I was hurt,;I was mad, and I was deflated.
I knew the cost of inactivity when I stopped attending. I know some have labelled me apostate, I KNOW the bishop put me on an "NO CONTACT" list. All I have to say is, the JW's call it shunning, the Scientologists call it SP's and though the Mormons have no official policy the culture does it and IT HURTS!
I have a couple of friends who hung around! One in particular is probably more MOMO then anyone I know and she is the only one who still regularly communicates with me. She comes with zero judgment and what's funny is that we talk about character and character building both within and without the confines of Mormonism often. SHE HAS NEVER JUDGED ME though she knows my heart. She gives me reason to find faith with the culture of mormonism and gives me purpose in finding respect in a group of people who have little or no respect for me.
So, yesterday was tough, there will always be days like yesterday, but I have W and though what we have isn't perfect what it is is a deep and abiding love, a friendship first, marriage second and soul mate third. It is what marraige was supposed to be and I am grateful for having the chance to experience it.
Will I ever be able to undo the gossip and hurtful words spread about me by those I thought better of? Will Mark's words ever come undone? For a faith that preaches repentance and forgiveness, for a culture that prides itself at being Christian, what I experience through my interactions with most of the members is so far off from that that there people who have asked me to write a book about my experiences.
Maybe someday I will, who knows? If I do though, it will be about D and not the others. It will be about finding a way to include those of us who might not measure up in the cultures eyes. When concentrating and reminding me of only that response and it becomes my soul's focus, then, and only then, will I be ready to do it.
Until then, I just keep allowing myself to hurt. Go figure.
I have been absent for a bit. We hit a bump in the road and mended it. K2 has a grace and resiliency I admire so much. Each of my children are stronger than anyone will ever know. They are my soul and heart and I am who I am because of them.
I have been working through some choices these past few weeks. Some easy, some so hard they would bend and break the strongest of souls and when in the midst of pondering the path best suited for me I can sometimes come across unseen or unexpected obstacles. A few days ago, I met a match that nearly broke me.
What am I on about?
The repeated insanity of exclusion and expecting a different outcome.
I very rarely come across members of my old ward. That's pretty incredible when you think I live in south Calgary and my ward only takes in four neighborhoods, about 10 mile square block. I am not sure why but if what I just experienced speaks to it then maybe there is the answer.
W and I were out and about and ran across my old Bishop, his wife ( a very close friend once) and two other couples. None of them were actually together. That is more members of my old ward I have seen on one evening then I have seen in the last year. It happened after a cursed day so my emotions were in the can anyway. Well, what I don't understand is I have been friends with some of these people for over 30 years, yes, let me say that again, THIRTY YEARS. Is it so hard to manage a hello or even to approach us? Are we so evil that if you dare speak to us you might just catch our apostasy as you so delicately call it? I was hurt,;I was mad, and I was deflated.
I knew the cost of inactivity when I stopped attending. I know some have labelled me apostate, I KNOW the bishop put me on an "NO CONTACT" list. All I have to say is, the JW's call it shunning, the Scientologists call it SP's and though the Mormons have no official policy the culture does it and IT HURTS!
I have a couple of friends who hung around! One in particular is probably more MOMO then anyone I know and she is the only one who still regularly communicates with me. She comes with zero judgment and what's funny is that we talk about character and character building both within and without the confines of Mormonism often. SHE HAS NEVER JUDGED ME though she knows my heart. She gives me reason to find faith with the culture of mormonism and gives me purpose in finding respect in a group of people who have little or no respect for me.
So, yesterday was tough, there will always be days like yesterday, but I have W and though what we have isn't perfect what it is is a deep and abiding love, a friendship first, marriage second and soul mate third. It is what marraige was supposed to be and I am grateful for having the chance to experience it.
Will I ever be able to undo the gossip and hurtful words spread about me by those I thought better of? Will Mark's words ever come undone? For a faith that preaches repentance and forgiveness, for a culture that prides itself at being Christian, what I experience through my interactions with most of the members is so far off from that that there people who have asked me to write a book about my experiences.
Maybe someday I will, who knows? If I do though, it will be about D and not the others. It will be about finding a way to include those of us who might not measure up in the cultures eyes. When concentrating and reminding me of only that response and it becomes my soul's focus, then, and only then, will I be ready to do it.
Until then, I just keep allowing myself to hurt. Go figure.
