When Someone....

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. ~ Maya Angelo

I have lived this truth, I have known this truth, I have found such wisdom in this truth! I love honest and forthrightness when it is coupled with compassion and caring. My life is turning loops and now I am saying to the universe......HOLD ON..... I need to refocus and find my way!

So here goes.

I am LDS,


I have a strong testimony of the Saviors Gospel,


I am not judgemental.....


I AM HAPPY.....


I am proud of my children,


I Love my family so much,


I miss my Mom and her intuition and wisdom,


I love my Father,


I really love my sister,


I love my brothers,


I love my friends,


I especially love my kids.


Know this WWW. I am happy and my testimony is intact and my FAMILY will always be my first priority. I am aware of children growing up and I want them to know that I have full expectations of their independence and my cushion.


What am I on about. Most people do not take the time to really find truth if they have been mislead by half truths. I can't be bothered with trivial opinions that haven't taken the time to really know. Knowing all is the journey demanded of each other as humans. Sometimes it is easier to just stand idly by and be okay with only knowing half. But can half really be that satisfying and what if all we do is fill ourselves with halves then the wholeness of whole is never felt.


I am playing on words but what I am saying is this. When someone tells you something about themselves that takes great courage to share... BELIEVE THEM and honor them in the sharing!


I have great friends who listen and care and share and I am better for it and please don't even get me started at how lucky I am to have the family I do.


So what am I really on about.


All that I am and admit too, there's not much left unturned.

Negative Profile Attributes

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Yeah....yeah. Sometimes hearing the negative can give us heartache but I have always ascertained that knowing both sides can only make your choices more correct. There isn't a statement in this that is false. Hearing it brings me peace and helps me to understand the people around me.
What am I on about today.

3 more sleeps and I am off to visit SLC and see my amazing family and do some work for my MOMMA. SLC is a coming home place for me as I lived in Utah when I went to school.

What did I learn there? That if I thought the fish bowl of our culture here in Calgary was bad, Utah was even worse.

I was lucky. I learned early on the difference in defined perfection and the perfection my Father in Heaven expects of me. I have learned, more lately, to define myself against what I know God expects of me. It is liberating.

I am grateful to kind friends who can say what they mean an feel safe in doing so and that I have been granted a healed heart to be not-so easily offended. I am grateful for growth and wisdom and the examples of some incredible people who live their lives in a way that though they seem more than perfect they are the first to admit their challenges and help you with yours.

I am grateful for "Indian_Rubber" kids who are pinging back and realizing that happiness is found in each others faces and hearts and together we make a much stronger rope than separately as strings of emotions.

And most of all, I am grateful to God.

Personality Profiles

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.

But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

I love personality tests, all of them. Colours, Myers/Briggs, all of them and I am always fascinated but what they say. I took one last night and just kind of forgot about it. I opened it this morning and it blew me away.

As I was reading I just about fell out of my chair. Is this really me? I sure feel like it but how could it be so close to who I am. To describe me so well. Absolutely Freaky!

I read it to a friend and asked her what she thought? She shook her head and said. "Dead On".
Whats amazing is what I have done these last few days. I was scared. My kids were hurt and I was so busy that when I finally took a breather. I thought my tank was empty and caved.

I am in cave mode. Really looking inward helps me refocus and find the ZEN.

So maybe these tests help you understand yourself better.

I'll get to the negative stuff in the next blog. I just wanted to start on a positive note!

The Best Sermons are Lived, Not Preached.

An Old Comboy Wisdom

I have a friend at work who I adore. She comes from one of the stalwart and strong Chuckwagon Families and is a cowgirl to her very bones! She is the funniest and best. Her sayings and wisdom are incredible and more than anything else she is honest... always and what you get is what you get! I love that.

So here we go again, what are you on about!

Yesterday and today my kids have been challenged with the very subject of the title! What defines someone. The way they preach.... or the way they live!

I have four broken hearts not because they don't want what is happening to happen but because they have been dismissed and abandoned while the whole time they are being preached at and they are confused. They were asked to divide and what those that asked do not get is that we are very much a family. Those four kids stand together, united and strong and hell would have to freeze over, if anyone expected them to seperate, unless one of them volunteered to step aside. I can't even break their ranks, I would never want to though, because I will not always be here and they need each other.

I can't undo the preaching when it doesn't coincide with the living but I can be the best example of when it does jive.

I try so hard to be that. Please understand that. So if you don't get me, don't worry. I am just being true.

The gospel I know and love is not judgemental, not exclusive and not spiteful and even though this culture tends to it that doesn't mean I have to be a part of it. At some time, all of us who have struggled and suffered with not fitting in or measuring up will have a strong enough voice to make a difference so that the pain and the bleeding will stop.

If your LDS and active, look around you on Sunday and ask, is anyone missing? My guess is you know someone, probably more that just someone, who has grown weary of the bruising and just walked away to stop the hurting. Church should never hurt.

First, resolve to be different, to try to be understanding. Do you know how many people have no idea what my family went through and just judge us? More then you would care to know.

Someone asked me the other day, "Why do you still go"?

Here is my answer!

I have a testimony of this Gospel. I also know that the Lord's law requires opposition in all things. My children need to see that their Dad and the way he lives the Gospel is not the ONLY way it can be lived. That I can be active and happy and at peace and still accept and love them for who they are. That there will always be a place for them on my bench SHOULD they choose to return and if not, my testimony of the plan of salvation guides me to peace.

The gospel is true, always. Just let God do the judging and let everyone else live in peace.
Enough Said!

News

There is some news that no matter how you spin it, you can never make it good on the ears of a sixteen year old. Why do we, as adults, always expect others to be happy for us.

Yesterday, my children's world was turned upside down. The older ones simply realigned their life thoughts and blew it off, except for one thing. The baby bro and sis were hurt, badly. Before D even had time to process it the sista brigade had leaped into action and solved it in their own fashion. The two oldest took the two youngest out of contention and fought the fight without them even knowing and if I ever thought I was failing as a mother those thoughts are gone.

We are a family.

To those who are so heartless as to believe that children don't matter, even as adults,in a parents life, go back to the temple and listen to the covenants you make.

To the K's and Big D in my life, we are family! We have become a peaceful, loving, HAPPY unit looking so forward to a future together adding in those significant others that move us to be better people!

YOMOMMA LOVES YOU!

Please don't judge the church by the actions of others but by the intents of the pure hearts that love you!
There is good in our midst and we love you so very much!

City Sounds

I wanted to take sometime after work and walk through the downtown corridor to my car. It was one of those incredible Alberta fall afternoons where you aren't too sure whether it will rain, snow or the sun will burst through any minute. During my 10 minute walk it almost did all three.

I love this town.

I work in one of the most beautiful buildings downtown. You can see the window of my office in this photo. I have a spectacular view of the mountains and southwest Calgary.

I came off the elevators onto 3rd street to the sounds and smells of the taxi drivers waiting for loads to the airport or wherever else those patrons needed to go. In one 20 metre distance you can come across 5 or 10 languages. It's fascinating. There is a song that says these guys might just have a Phd. I sometimes wouldn't doubt it.


As I journey down the 8th Ave walking mall this is where Calgary's character comes out. It's lined with trendy galleries, vino bars and Irish Pubs. There is a new Thai restaurant I would love to try someday. The Bay. I have the greatest memories of that store. Dressing up with my Saturday shopping dress and gloves and going there where I was very young with Grandma Patterson. Soap candies and fries with gravy and the trolley back to the Chardie Road house. Now that brings a warmness to my heart.


As I walk further down the mall you come across the addicts and street people. I always wonder, should I give them something as they put they hat our? Are they really just going to buy drugs with it? What pain must they be in to have sunk so low? I am never so much scared here as I am sad. I think.... there by the grace of God go I.



I love the architecture here. The sandstone buildings and the way they are restoring them.It makes me so proud to be a Calgarian. It connects me to my 6 generations of family that have graced the streets of this great city. It's a honor I am so very proud of. My ancestors weren't pioneers of the Mormon kind, but they were pioneers all the same.




Then near the end of my walk, the city breaks

into a quiet solitude as you get closer to City hall and the Arts district. I have seen my fair share of plays and concerts here but it will forever be remembered as the place my girls danced their way through June. The Jack Singer, Max Bell, the Engineered Theater. My daughters have graced all those stages. One of my fondest memories..... Our Town with my favorite date, Mr. D. He loves the stage and quirky plays. I have raised a boy with a heart. I love it. I look forward to our TC date this year. I am sure it will be some "off the wall" play. I love that he has a geek living inside of him.

I love my city. I love most cities. I can't wait to explore Vancouver with the girls. NYC is calling, I would love to see the temple there..... and a Broadway show.

I am content in my home. Calgary is home.

Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction.

I learned something about myself last night that I hadn't realized until just that moment.

I am so different now.

I think I felt it. Things that used to drive me crazy just fall off my back, I am not afraid to ask hard questions.... or to hear hard answers and for the first time in a very long time.... I am... I am whole.
When that thought hit my heart I cried. Was I finally really happy! Can you cry and be happy all in the same moment? After everything I realized that what matters most to me is who I am to myself, to my kids, and to the rest of my family.

So, healing is possible.

My strength is still new and I am sure it will be tested... over and over, but I am at peace.
I am looking forward to doing some temple work for my Mom. I know she has watched this journey from her place on high, scared, if that's a possible feeling you can have where she is, and I know she has worried. I look forward to feeling her presence and in reassuring her that I am okay.

You're probably wondering how I know I am finally there. It's just a feeling you have inside. There will still be setbacks I am sure. I am just not afraid of them anymore. There is still residual effects of the years of abuse I went through but thy are recognized and admitted but never excused, just worked through.

So here's where I get to what I am on about.

Thank-you, all of you, you have made this journey easier than it would have been without you.

You all know who you are.

I am changing the sub title of my blog. I am no longer on the edge but solidly on the Terra Firma. Welcome to the last 10 yards and to being at peace. Always.

Beauty in the Moment

There is a place on this earth that will forever be a memory that brings beauty to it's fullest. It's tucked away and so easily looked over that if you didn't know it was there you would never have tread its path.

I have only been back a few times. I have the hardest time there. I feel so close to God there and what I remember is all that he means to me when I walk this path. You can be surrounded by thousands of people and not even feel or see any of them near.

I found this picture on the WWW. It caught it as it is. Serene and quiet and winding.

Memories like this, places where when you think of them, you smell them, feel them and live it all over again.

It's like Alberta in the fall. The smell of wet leaves and crisp impending snow. The rustle of the leaves as the curtain of winter draws the moisture out of them and they skeeter across the road.

The first chairlift ride up on a snow covered, minus 20C day ski hill and the powdered snow, still untouched, and waiting for the first brave soul to ride it's cushion down God's great slope.

Or a wet spring day or hey, even the heat of a summer night. All of this lives inside you, moves you when you think of it.

Memories are God's way of keeping you going when you just don't understand.

This path reminds me of the possibilities my life has. I am sure right now the leaves are changing color and the perennials are giving up there last moisture and retreating to a winters sleep. Renewal is forever the science of God's love.

It allows you forward with dreams and hope.

It is what becomes you.

It is you.

Circumstance

I wonder all the time why life is never fair or it seems that way. Why do some people seem to have it so easy and others struggle for every bit of a good life?

Today, a good friend, broke down and confessed the tragedy of her life's circumstances. I had no idea it was as desperate as it was. She is so strong and when you look at her you would never guess the turmoil. What's more is that I am not sure why her trails are so enormous. Why would God allow it?
She has been ever faithful and strong and she loves her husband and family. She has a son serving a mission. Why is this happening?

Will I ever understand this? I doubt it. I know that, for me, I have long since stopped trying to understand and focus more on the surviving with grace and dignity. The one common thread with those forged souls who pass through these trials is that they are so strong and faithful. Their example is what buoys me and gives me balance.

The times ahead with definitely shake the faithful. Where do you stand?

I know that for me right now being at church is a necessity. I am not there for the social club. I am there for myself and for the strength I gain from renewing my covenants.

Hello Again

I reached a euphoric ZEN of unimaginable heights and all because of a Diamond and a great seat. Can you guess? No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Come on… I’m single, a woman, and Mormon. I have a better shot at winning the lottery.

I am talking about a bucket list item and a dream. I have to be careful here, my bucket list is getting knocked off quickly but I have promised myself to never miss any chances and one came through compliments a very good friend.

Neil Diamond rolled into town last night. How many musicians do you know that can own a stage for 2 hours and still not sing everything you wanted to hear? Neil, Elton and James, the three music loves of my life.

I have experienced all three now, Neil being last night.
I was a bit scared. Neil Diamond holds my heart near and dear, not because of him personally but because his music brings me back to a time when innocence and hope where my greatest allies. When the greatest stress of the day was where are we doing lunch; the Cougar Eat or the Morris Cafeteria.

It was early fall and it was Provo. Football, classes starting and a frenzy of meeting all the new people. I lived on dorms and was having such a great time. Then the ward decided to have a computer dance, now granted this was 1980 so the computer filled a whole building. The science left much to be desired. We put in our forms and they popped out our dates. I can’t even remember who I got, I just know that my neighbor traded and my first date with S was on.

Almost 10 months later he was off to Thailand on his mission and I had Neil to remind me of him. I can’t hear any of his songs without a memory of something S and I did together flooding back into my head.

He was my first true love. He was my best friend. Do I regret not waiting for him considering the circumstances of my life now? No. Our lives have gone the way they were meant to. My only regret is that he was, more than anything else, one of my dearest friends. I miss that.

I don’t think M ever really wanted to be my friend.

So here’s to Neil and to memories. Thank heavens they are pure and good and that looking back brings smiles.

“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. Max Lerner

Time has been a brutal foe for me. So much has flowed under the bridge of my life that was wasted and uncontrolled. I have found that as my whole approach to life has altered and changed in its perspective I know that I am no longer young and lost.

When I vision my days, my weeks, years and the rest of my life there is so much possibility. It may not define itself in all the ways that I want but it is full of JOY and excitement, contentment and peace.

What can one person ask for?

A humble and sincere church leader in grief told me that with all his heart he wished I could have the 25 lost years back. I was touched when he said it but I have thought since.... without it, I would not be me.
If you are out there, holding on to pain and grief, please hear me when I say... “Let it Go”. It’s catching a tiger by the tail if you don’t.

I let go of all now and have such a sense of Zen in my soul I wish I could bottle it, share it and give it to the struggling and heartbroken women and children, hey even the men, who are transitioning into single hood in our faith.

The heartache can cure you but you must feel it, face it, and move on. Never.....Never....Never forget though. Remembering will keep you safe to never repeat it.

What is the most amazing result of this journey if transversed entirely. A complete and utter acceptance of all. Not a whole lot gets to you and when it does you have the skills to make it through. Stephen Covey calls that a Win-Win. I call it moving forward in faith.

On Being Great!

There are a few things in life that can take a normal soul and make them great. I am one who always loves watching someone who most people would look past and watch as greatest comes upon them and they become amazing souls. Greatest is extraordinary.

Take for example, my MOM. She was great! She reached that in the eyes of all those that loved her. Her greatest came in her interactions with others who were lucky enough to be loved by her. You knew she loved you and that you were cherished, it made you feel whole.

How about President Monson. There's a guy who has the pulse of our Church in his hand. He looks at the people and sees the people, not the numbers or the whole. He is making changes that are recognizing that as individuals we are in need. Great leaders can see things that others can't and make changes so those needs are met. Totally Awesome.

Great authors write great books that move and change you, take for example; Shel Silverstiens "The Giving Tree". My gosh, such a Green and unassuming book that has made it into so many family libraries as a staple. Go figure.

So guess what. Sometimes greatness just falls upon you. Like when one of your most favorite and admired nieces gives birth and you become a GREAT aunt. I push the limits by assuming that I was already in the category of great aunts of the world but now, it is official. I am a GREAT aunt. Thank-you E and B! And by the way, I can't think of two more incredible people for that amazing bundle of E to come to. You guys are going to make great parents and I look forward to getting to know that budding baby boy of yours!

BEING BANFF'ed

Anyone who really knows me knows I am not the sit around type of girl. Yesterday, the mountains were calling. I don't mean a bit of a whisper either. I needed to smell the mountain air and feel the crispness of impending snow and see those beautiful Rockies that are in my very soul. So into my car I got and the 1 hour ride was on its way.

It is almost an automatic pilot condition for me. I can tell you about every moment of that drive. From leaving the congested and crazy rat race city of the city to feeling the zen of that first rolling foothill. To driving by the Grizzly Bar, the inevitable pit stop Mom and all of us used to take every summer while we were on our way to Windermere every year. My heart starts to palpitate when I see the "Canmore - next two exits". And then, the gates. I have passed though these gates for 46 years of of life.

I am not sure how many people feel this tug. I love the main street and the people. I love the fact that the one thing my government does right is try and keep this site as heritage as it can. In my early years my Father took us here skiing all the time. As a teenager I loved to go up Sulfur Mountain with my scriptures and read. I don't know if you have ever read those beautiful words on the top of a mountain but I definitely suggest you give it a try.


Dinner was awesome, Pub food is so cool. I managed to do a bit of shopping and get a cashew nut roll from the Candy Shop for the man in my life...Big D.


So I have been Banff'ed. It should do me for the next few weeks until the next time those mountains start whispering my name. Next time, my Canmore hideaway, where all my prayers are answered.


Oh Canada!

“We must be our own before we can be another’s” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Between dinner and the Movie tonight we did one of my favourite things. We went to Chapters. It was great. This is what I love about my friends. We walked in the doors an immediately separated as we went to our most beloved sections. One to self help, another to fiction, another to biographies. No one said a word. It was if we just knew that we could separate and still find our ways back to each other. That’s friendship.


I found myself in the biographies. I am always drawn to them. I love knowing about the lives of others and how they overcome their circumstances to become great or maybe just great for a moment.


I picked up Obama’s book. Hmnn.... political positioning.... kind of boring; John McCain’s was no better. I searched for a Stephen Harper or heaven forbid, any other Canadian politicians book. I must have been in the wrong section. Then I glanced over and saw a book that Sydney Portiere wrote..... To his granddaughter. I was caught up immediately. I was touched. If I didn’t have a stack of books needing to be read already I would have broken down and bought it. I cherished the thought of a grandparent leaving that kind of legacy behind or before they even leave this world.


As I was standing there looking at what my heaven would be like.... full of books and friends, I thought about how much more I have learned about myself through these troubled times.


I started by realizing my behaviour was hurting others, I realized another was directly affecting my behaviour and then I sought forgiveness and peace on the whole family’s terms. Sometimes not everyone wants to be a part of the process. Sometimes it’s just meant to end, even if it hurts. And trust me everyone hurts.


And then a miraculous thing can happen. You can actually find yourself. If you take the time to be alone and search inside yourself you might be surprised at what you find in there. If you take the time to nurture your wounds and heal what better possibilities to bring to the relationships you have. All of them, your children, your bros and sis, you friends, your coworkers. Healing your soul... finding you own is transcending. It’s pure ZEN. I am so happy.


Sadness sometimes creeps in. When the pang of jealousy hits as the ex spouse so quickly moves on, or when an anniversary comes, or when a child feels abandoned. But when you own your own, anger has no place. Maybe this is what forgiveness feels like. Maybe I am getting to that place when I can just forgive and be forgiven and really just move on.


I feel somehow that the Big Guy needs me to move forward. How that happens only He knows. I have faith and trust that He will let me understand the path that lies ahead of me that will sustain the growth I am experiencing. Maybe a mission...... maybe some volunteering.....maybe some travels. Who knows?

Fridays!

I love - love -love Fridays and not just because my wonderful company gave us every Friday off this summer. Somehow waking up knowing that this is the last day before the weekend and that means sleeping in til the ripe ol' time of 7:00am I can face the rat race of corporate Calgary and take on the day!

Everybody at work is happier and there's a lot of slack offered on these days. Except, of course, if you're in the middle of reserves and from the moment you arrive to the moment you leave you have stuff to do. Like now. But hey, even on Fridays that stuff is tolerable. So YEAH, here's to Fridays.
My fav part of the Friday experience is the night. Choices abound, like tonight. The Stampeders football game, ELTON JOHN!!!!, or Chic Flick and dinner with the girls. What did I choose you wonder?

My GIRLS! And the new movie "Women".

What can I say? This new freedom brings endless possibilities of play. Bye now, I'm the designated driver and I gotta go!

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living.”

Gail Sheehy – American Author
When I analyze the life I am living, I so often wonder if the direction is correct. Did I make correct choices? Am I living to the fullest potential? Do I in fact grow?


So looking at it closely I realized a few things. I have always felt that any difficulty faced has a lesson to be learned. Learning the lesson (good or bad) gives a person wisdom and integrity both positive and negative to allow growth. How you choose to grow lies within the lessons you learn. How integral you become lies within the message that trial brings to you.


I have also learned that others will judge you. Its reflexive in the Mormon culture which is ironic when you think that one of the Saviours’ most important messages is to never judge others. You know what I mean....”let him without sin cast the first stone”. I have come to accept this as part of the living I do. I even catch myself judging sometimes and have to scale back my thoughts because I know they have no place for that.


So again, what am I on about.


Living requires growth and as I remember the times when my kids physically grew the most they had a fair amount of physical pain. Spiritual an emotional growth require a path through pain as well. Suffering both physically (through fasting) and emotionally challenges are hearts and souls.


A plateau of live is the breather our Father in Heaven offers us and we continue in our sojourn here on earth. Can you believe that we shouted for joy at the thought of coming here? I can.

I love this life, even with the hurts. I love growing. But I will say that I have done almost nearly enough in the last few years that I am thinking it’s time for one heck of a plateau. I am thinking flat like Saskatchewan. For those not from our fair country were talking Nebraska, I’ve been there too.


So here is to the mountains of growth and to the plains of rest so that we can become everything the Big Guy expects us to become.

People, even more than things.....

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

So there are very few actors that I have any respect for. The price of fame costs them their very souls sometimes but every once in a while, one of them comes out with a bravado that takes them to the status of an Icon. Meet Audrey Hepburn.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

I received this poem in an email today. It made me smile and think about where I am today. It would have been 26 years. It only made it to 25. Who was I becoming in those first 25 years? Certainly not a woman of substance that is for sure.

So I took a hard look at myself today as I was doing my 7 KM’s and went through the changes that this past year has brought….. and I smiled even bigger.

All of that I am is a direct result of the tragic circumstances of my life. I changed the direction so that the outcome of those circumstances could be different. I am happier, more in tune, content, controlled and feeling like I am at peace now and none of that could be without having been through these last few years. It gives me the shivers to think about where I would have been otherwise.

My children are happier and living full and productive lives, maybe not on my terms, but on theirs, it isn’t the end of the world and I refuse to judge their eternities as well.

So I ask myself: Am I an Attractive woman? In regards to this poem, I am on my way. I believe that beauty is so internal that when it is at its purest form, no matter what the outside looks like, beauty is immeasurable.

I think that is what has changed the most about me. When I look at another person, I look beyond, without judgment, and see all that is offered. Usually, people have so much to give. People have been so generous and kind to me.

I still have emotional brain farts,(sorry for those with sensitive ears). Sometimes I forget my journey and speak to quickly. I am working on that.

So here’s to the celebration of a new anniversary. January 2. The day I became. The day I set myself free to become human and whole and at one.

Lady Bird Johnson - "Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them."

It took a few days to get up the gumption to write about this weekend. I sometimes have a difficult time digesting my life. It kind of hits be squarely in the jaw and demands I live up to it. Man, there are times when I don't want to do that.

This weekend, my two girls... K an K moved to Vancouver. I was the driver of the Uhaul. That was a whole new experience for me. I never thought that would be something I would do, but I did. Wow, sometimes I can't believe the things I am doing now.. go figure.

There I was, at the Rogers Pass, travelling to the tunes on K's IPod an B-A-M I started to cry. Straight out of nowhere I might add. I'm thinking I am one heck of a nut case and then I reach into the recesses of my heart to realize I am going to miss my babies. No way was I going to let them know. The tears flowed all the way to Salmon Arm and beyond but I think I got them all out.

I MISS THEM, but I am glad they're gone. It was time. I think they're wrapped fairly well for the real world and maybe, just maybe, as the P blessing says, they will be known throughout the world for the things that they can accomplish.

You go Girls!

She is a Friend of Mine.

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind. ~ Toni Morrison

I met a friend for lunch today. I don’t know if she can ever realize how much I appreciate her friendship. You see, she’s been around since I was 6 and she was 3. It’s a result of a great Visiting teaching partnership. Our Mom’s went out together, which is in itself a shock, and we tagged along. We connected and stayed that way, on and of, since.


Our Ex’s interfered for a bit. I’d say mine more than hers and we lost contact but there is just a connection that draws you back and you realign to know that you were always meant to be kindred. We are so kindred.


She was the second wheel on most of my dates as a youth and she’s been a super strength in understanding this journey, both the good and the bad of it. She’s a hell of a lot tougher than she thinks but never considers her journey as having been hard. I wish she would cut herself a break once in a while.


When I see people that have been friends with someone for as long as C and I have been, I see it as a treasure. I didn’t have a little sis so the BIG GUY decided to send a surrogate. Thank you to however was inspired some 40 odd years ago to make the unlikely pairing of HB and JL. I doubt they ever could have imagined.


And to my friend C, my official steady Tuesday lunch date, thank-you. You give so much more than you take and deserve more than you’ll ever think you do. :0) and love is coming, you have way to kind of a heart not to be blessed that way.

Enough Already!

I am not a fan of busy days. Work, at this time of year, gets overwhelming and when I get home all I want to do is just phase down and relax. Most often I can do this, especially when my house is quiet and not a lot of demands are made, ie. Church meetings or driving D somewhere ect.


Yesterday, I turned on the boob tube and was inundated with political reporting of the most bizarre kind. Here was a self described, serious news channel devoting much of it’s time to the MySpace page of a kid who knocked up the Republican Vice Presidential Nominees daughter and how “kids are just something he doesn’t want!” PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!!!


Do we not have more important things to consider with Ms. Palin than the tragic and no doubt difficult circumstances her family faces and should for ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES face privately? GIVE ME A BREAK CNN, this girl is seventeen and pregnant, don’t you think she’s going through enough without your gossip girl reporting, to the world I might add, of her unpleasant situation.


And do you really think that I am stupid or ridiculous enough to want that to be the most important news of the day? Can you give me a break here? Is this what Americans want? Report the news and let this family deal with a significantly difficult situation with dignity and honor. AND BY THE WAY, if Ms. Palin were a man, would this family crisis have made the news? I seriously doubt it?


Now the kicker; the Kaunas moment that ticked me off the most.


The news report than went on to question whether Ms. P even had the Down syndrome baby that this young girl was holding in her arms at the convention. They were suggesting that it was a cover up. PLEASEEEEEEEE!

They followed the goings on of this candidate as she had the unfortunate circumstance of her water breaking in Texas and then getting on a plane and traveling to Alaska to have the baby and bypassing a number of hospitals to have it delivered in her hometown. They were insinuating that she, in fact, wasn’t even pregnant and that it was her daughter who was and she had to travel like that to just meet up with her.

PLEASEEEEEEEE!

She knew the baby had complications and went to be with the doctor who had probably been with her through the pregnancy. As a woman I understand this. A doctor in a situation like this is vital to the emotional process of the birth. If I was comfortable with my Doctor knowing I was about to go in to a high risk birth, I would travel to the ends of the earth to be with that doctor.
Well, I was exhausted… and mad. Is this what politics have become?

The saving grace, a short news brief on a different channel, I might add, with Barack Obama pleading with the cameras to let this election be about the politics and leave this girl alone. Yeah!!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not letting him out of the woods. These politic monster machines have become the abscessed entities that they are and it will take strong leaders to stop the spit spinning and change the direction of years of back biting and down right nastiness. The republicans will have to rise above this and not retaliate. Can it be done? Lets hope so!
Just as an aside. CNN, please go back to reporting the real news. Here’s some things that should have garnered your more appropriate attention.

* Pakistan’s PM escapes assassination bid
* N. Korea said to be rebuilding nuke plant
* 2nd Russian journalist in 3 days killed


These are legitimate news stories that may well affect the future that involves all of us. And because Ms. Palin is going through what she is going through and still able to be one of the best Governors the state of Alaska has had maybe just maybe this world can take notice and let her run on her merits of work done in Alaska not the shenanigans of her 17 year old daughter, PS…. Don’t throw stones in glass houses BABY!

Stinky Farts or Fluffs for those with sensitive Ears.

So having a boy last has been a very adventurous journey for me. The three girls were so different and each day with D is just so exciting.

Yesterday, my poor precious Rocky had tummy troubles. He wanted some lovin and attention so he stayed pretty close. There was one problem though. Stinky silent farts. Now, human fluff bombs are bad but a pint size cutie with a sore tummy from dumpster diving can illicit some pretty hefty odors. Which he did.

To top it off, the Big D was trying to out do him. I have a very sensitive tummy and that much fragrance just about made me toss the cookies, really!

The girls are moving this weekend. I will only have the boys and I am worried. Is my future one big smelly night after another. I am looking forward to less estrogen but even puppy testosterone can be overwhelming.

Well, heres to teaching my son the proper etiquette of fluffs and being a teenager, and to keeping the garbage high enough to avoid any further dumpster diving smell bombs.

It should be an interesting year.