The Private Me - slumber is over

It's been over 6 months, for all that time I have ached inside to write; to let through my words the cause of healing happen. To bleed the pain away and to heal.

I stopped writing for 2 reasons, one, as a request and two, to rethink where I was going. In the 6 months away I have looked very deeply into my soul. I have learned the truths about myself that speak to where I have been and to where I am going.

So here is what I have to say.

If you were a friend of mine when I was active in the church and if in reading this you are offended.... tough shit. Don't read it. I haven't heard hide nor hair of any of you in over three years and quite frankly, I don't care. I am not writing this to win your friendship back, seriously, I should thank you for teaching me about the true meaning of friendship. So let me take this opportunity to tell you that I will resume writing and if your curiosity brings you back here it is you exercising your agency to do so, you don't have to read it, you don't have to be involved and if my words bother you, pick up a phone and call me; don't run to the Bishop and complain. He's not my Bishop anymore.

The above photo was taken 4 days before the worst floods hit the land of my song. This very spot doesn't even exist anymore. In its place are new creeks and valleys carved from the chaos of what is being called a "once in a century" flood. It is just as beautiful there now, maybe even more so, and in time it will bring many to it's banks to feel the peace that comes only in a place like this, transformed and all.

I may not be the same person I was 10 years ago but what I have become is so much more than I ever would have become being chained the way I was.

I am writing again, I need to, it completes me.

If this bothers you, move on.

Here's to getting back to the completeness that comes from the song that comes through the soul's word's.

The Closing Chapter

Never in my life did I think I would end up in such a beautiful place ...doing so many incredible things. So, I'm sorry if I was a little too honest with you. But I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”  ~ Last Holiday

I just spent 10 days by myself on Vancouver Island. Winter is brutal on me and this one was no exception. With W's limited vacation time and my extra from working overtime it just seemed right to get out and explore. My sister gave me the OK to stay in her beautiful home on the ocean so there I was, waking to sleeping hours hearing the waves crash, watching the sun rise and fall and hearing the migrating sea lions on the log boom just a short distance away. 

When I started this blog I had just read the book by Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now" and had come to realize that this moment, the exact Now of our lives was the healing zone. I can't think of a better way to find Now and reside there for a moment than to take time away by oneself and just be.

It's time to close it (the blog); respectively and with purpose. It was never so apparent than when I heard from my middle BBG while away and she was hurt and needed it done. I had already moved on from here but hadn't left this place with an official closure and message. 

Well, here it is.

The only intent of this blog was to heal. To document a journey and to give purpose to the actions some have most understood. You see, I come from a strong heritage of writers of journals. Even while I was away these last few weeks, my cousin shared with me a photocopy of the journal of my great grandfather as he migrated (adventure was his original purpose) from England to the Gold Rush in the Klondike to Vancouver where he met and fell in love with my namesake. His great aunt's journal that documents her travels from England to Turkey in search of healing at the Turkish Baths in the 1800's is also a part of my library. These are just a few of the words left to show how we, as a family, move through our lives.

I sometimes read back on this blog and see and feel those moments that made me heartsick, heartbroken, joyful and even elated. I have removed some posts because their point of reference was filled with too much anger. Yes, I did edit contra to some opinions. I have relished those where an AHA moment changed my life. Mostly though, I have evolved from all the pain and this blog has documented it. I made it through and I made it through whole, happy and with my children still with me. That would not have happened if I hadn't have taken a hard look at myself and asked the question, "what could I have done differently?" The answers were all there, in the words and because they're journal they will be a learning for generations to come, both the hard lessons and those that just made me who I am today.

Each child has a paradym of the past, much like I do, even M. The most important thing is to validate those paradigms and apologize where your behavior hurt people. That is the most essential part of these past 6 years. Saying sorry has been the most liberating evolution for me. Just this last week, BBG #1 asked me to stop apologizing. All I could say was I can't. I choose M, I chose that life, they were born into it. NO CHOICE there, and because they had no choice they suffered at the hands of my choice and for that, the apology will never ever end; ever.

Here is what I am on about.

Closing the chapter.

This week, these words, this blog was attacked again. It's funny how those who really know this journey, know my heart, see these words as inspiring, moving, quite gentle compared to what could be said and yet those, driven my a religious fear see them as an assault and mean spirited. "You can't please them all" as granny used to say and as I reflect I stand behind all that has been written. I do this because right from the start, the very first post, I left a disclaimer that said, this is MY JOURNEY. If you don't like it, no worries because I didn't write the words to please you or any other person. They were written as a journalistic journey of recovery from ABUSE. They were written for me, for my children. PERIOD.

Now to M, yes you, MARK.

For so long I have strived for indifference when it came to you. I was told that it was the opposite of love and I was willing to do whatever I could to not be in love with you.

I would argue now that isn't my goal anymore. You so rarely come up in conversation and when you do, it is mostly not a great conversation. Your actions over these last 8 years have proven over and over again that the decision to walk away was the right one. You continue to hurt the children and yet you continue to prove you haven't the social awareness to understand why. I thought you insensitivity and heartlessness was just a result of a cruel, religiously zealous attitude and yet now, I see you as broken, like the rest of us, just broken.

Your kids will always love you. That is ingrained into them, it's human nature. Respect on the other hand is earned and can easily be lost.

You think I have left the church to keep the kids happy and that I am less a parent for doing so and yet, if you have read this blog as you claim then the only way you could have ever come up with that is that you haven't comprehended a single word that has been written. My leaving the church, if blame can be laid at any one's feet would lay squarely on yours. Summed up: Spiritual Abuse.

Notice I used the word IF. I don't blame my departure on anyone. It is a CHOICE. One, by the way, I am very comfortable with. Having any kind of conversation with you on the fact is pointless because you judge too harshly and far too quickly to have any kind of rational conversation about it. You live your faith in absolutes and claim a Christ like existence so far from who the Savior was/is that I have no hope to ever have you try and understand my point of view. It would be pointless.

That was the major fault of our marriage, I spent 25 years hoping you would learn to hear and understand and now I realize that you are incapable of it. Understanding that helps me to know that ending the marriage was the right thing to do. Some people are never meant to be married. We are a perfect example of that.You see, marriage isn't about control, its about love. You truly believed that by controlling me, controlling your children you were in fact loving us and yet, we see it very differently.

I have NO regrets over these past few years. I wish I could have some do overs but human nature is to fail sometimes. When we do, and if we pick ourselves up we are living .That is what this blog was about. Living and what to do to pick yourself up.

In the space of just a few weeks these words were used against me more than once. The irony is that in all the cases it was members of the church that used them. As I listened to conference this past weekend (I still do that) I heard over and over again the admonition to be nice, kind, tolerant. To reach out without judgement and to be like the Savior and found the irony of those words as I reflected on my past few years and the interactions I have had with the very members of the church those words were for.

I have moved on from here. I still write to my hearts content and release the words meant o be written if not for others at least for me, for my own solace. This blog is closing, this is the final post. My children have asked that I not shared openly their lives with their father who is reading this. At least not until he can understand what it is he did that caused such pain.

I guess my only admonition would be; when we understand what it is we are doing that causes the hurt, as much as it hurts to admit it, saying sorry and actually meaning it without excusing it through religion or whatever vehicle we chose, we can heal, we can grow and we can then earn back the respect we lost when we forgot to parent our children instead of being so angry at each other.

Forgive me for all the wrong I caused you and yes, as passively aggressive as this may sound, I forgive you.

God bless you M on your fight with your health. I hope only the best for you.

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

For me, I have changed for the better. I would go through it all again, these past 6 years, if it meant the learning would be the same. Sometimes, we go through the gauntlet to become strong. I am stronger.

Goodbye all.

Kindness, try it sometime.

"I suppose the thing I most would have liked to have known or been reassured about is that in the world, what counts more than talent, what counts more than energy or concentration or commitment, or anything else - is kindness. And the more in the world that you encounter kindness and cheerfulness - which is its kind of amiable uncle or aunt - the better the world always is. And all the big words: virtue, justice, truth - are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness." ~ Stephen Fry

For over 5 years, 6 in May, I have used this blog as a way of expressing my thoughts through a difficult journey. I started it with one premise, a journal. A written account of my thoughts and feelings as I found happiness again. Some months I have written more than others, some entries more lucid, some filled with pain, some angry and some; joyful.

What this blog has been, more than anything else, is an outlet. A way to think through my life, to reread through the decisions, the pain, the joy and to find myself draped within the words so I could finally, after so many years of being told otherwise, find worth in my soul.

I have used initials to guard privacy, made a point to always say the opinions expressed were mine, I owned them and that the experiences expressed were MY PARADIGM. 

I have done my best to hold back the anger and yet at times, anger was seen because I couldn't do that. Some circumstances create an anger that can only be let go by letting go. It has mostly been directed in circumstances I felt unfair. The JOY of this blog is that my feelings are mine and because these are my words I can express them.

Now, I will express words I hope you understand.

Let me tell you in no uncertain circumstances why I LEFT THE MORMON CHURCH.

Three Fold - in specifics.

HISTORY. The church has correlated the truth right out of the history. What I was taught is nothing close to the truth. When you speak about the church, when scholars write about the truth, they are attacked, criticized, excommunicated, villainies. I grew up in a church that valued truth and found out the only truth they valued was their own narrative. I have only addressed this but a few times, I could write posts proving it all and yet, out of respect I haven't.

DOCTRINE: Well, lets see, blacks and the priesthood, polygamy, Adam/GOD, the Kinderhook plates, the Book of Abraham,DNA evidence, rewriting scriptures to hide "white and delightsome", and then, the cracker, the one I couldn't get over. Forcing a woman and her family to stay sealed to a MONSTER. I could go on, but wont.

And then, the one that shoved me out the door;

THE PEOPLE!

Yes, that's some of you who read this blog. You see, for a long time, whether you meant to or not, you truly let me know how you felt by YOUR ACTIONS. Lets see, shoved out of door way, home taught in the middle of a street, accused of being immoral, yelled at in the middle of a chapel, I could go on but I wont. 

It seemed that having an opinion of an other's place in God's eyes is the right of every member of a ward. It never seemed to end for me, I could never do anything right and well, quite a few of you made sure I was aware of what it was in YOUR opinion that I was doing wrong. So Christlike don't you think?

So, WHAT AM I ON ABOUT?????

Apparently some of you have been so concerned about my words it's caused you to go to the Bishop.

Seriously?

I'm done. I am not going private because by doing that my words are lost. I want my words left visible and accessible. I need them to bear witness to whats wrong with a culture that claims love and dispenses hate and judgement.

If your purpose of reading my words is in support, send me an email ( oilgirl2@shaw.ca ) and I'll direct you to my new blog home. For those who simply judged my words and found fault, take some time, watch this. Maybe this will save someone else the pain that I have felt.

huh?

I just got off the phone with my old bishop. He had called again and asked that I call him back.

I did.

I'm confused.

All I have to say.

We talked a fair bit but one thing;

His words; "there are people who are concerned with what you write in your blog and have come to me".

Seriously?

To those people, if you have questions, if you have concerns, why not just ask me.

It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things. ~Lawrence G. Lovasik

Pressure

I love the mountains, that's not news, but the reasons why are buried deep within my very soul. It wasn't until I actually studied geology a few years back in my engineering classes and after working in the study of rocks that I have come to understand what it is about their formation that intrigues me.

When I am up there, in the national, provincial parks I begin to feel very much at home. I am sure part of it has to do with my song, my familiar place and the other, the shear magnificence of it all. Somehow, your perspective becomes very real and your place in the grand scheme of things is soon realized when you see just how small you are in comparison to your surroundings. It's a reality check of sorts.

The folds in the rocky mountain strata amaze me, I could never take enough photos of it. Here, in the Canadian Rockies, like no other place you can see every movement, every catastrophic event that gave us, gave me, what I feel so home in.

Last weekend, I went out with my BigMa lens - 150-500 and just shot the peaks. Over and over again, as the snow ridges emphasized the folds I wondered, what was it that made the earth curve and break so. I knew the answers were there so I took this photo, sent it to my mentor (my boss) and asked... how? He knew the peak well, the area was one of his favorite places to hike and he explained, in fine geologic terms the reasoning behind a place I love so much. He then taught me about the application of those principles to area unseen, like where we drill. He explaining logging in a way I had never fully grasped.

I sent the pic to our new young geologist. She has helped me so much as I have shared my knowledge of the geology software she has helped me understand the depositions of rock and the formation of oils and gases. I love my new job, I don't just administer there. I learn every day.

So, what am I on about?

I have been struggling a lot lately. It's winter, that is my first clue as to why but deeper than that, more catastrophic to my soul is realizing in a real way I am giving up. My life is a shadow in some ways of what it used to be. In other ways it is better than i ever imagined. It's hard to explain.

I tried for a time, after I quit my activity in church to keep the friends I had. It took about 6 months to realize that unless I made the effort, the friendships didn't exist and I had an aha moment. Friendship became the slag of it all.  Having been Momo my whole life meant friends, as defined under the rules of the Mormon culture, were gone and that meant everyone. Everyone. I morned for nearly a year and then I decided to see someone, to find a way to make peace. You see, I was the happiest I had ever been but lonely too.

Well, the "transition" councillor taught me many things. Most importantly, about boundaries and about chasing vs. reality.

People choose who they have in their lives. If you aren't important, if their not important, connections just change.

She also gave me some insight into my own soul. I give too much. She helped me to understand the brokenness of the giving. Underneath was a deeply scared and folded strata of a soul and searching for help outside of myself and giving to heal my pain, a kind of purchasing of respect ultimately earned me nothing but emptiness to connections. The second stage of the healing commenced.

I don't chase connections anymore. We come to a moment in our lives where we are who we are. I know my place for myself, I know what I want and I can't keep being disappointed by others not living up to my expectations.

I disappoint a lot of people but more importantly I have disappointed myself. If my actions are my own to own and if I am hurting no one but myself I can't worry about how my actions affect others until I fully understand how they hurt me. I can't keep giving away everything, including my soul.

I am not chasing relationships anymore, family or not and the price I have paid is deep.

I often ask myself how my mother did it, how did she get us to respect her so deeply; to love her so unconditionally?

The therapist said that behavior is modelled. She said my children were taught how to respect me by their father and since he had none for me that was deeply folded into our relationships. There was never enough I could do to earn something that by nature should simply be there. I had to accept that this would be my reality and that I had to choose how to build the boundaries to "protect" my soul. For a long time I made bad choices in forcing the respect, then I went into guilt mode and tried to "buy" it and now, well, that's where I am right now, what's next?

In my heart, I know I've tried, I've sacrificed, I've begged to matter but I just can't do it anymore.

I can't do it for my kids and I can't do it for my Dad, or my other family. It's time to do it just for me.

Deep inside all the souls chaos that is in me is a kind, loving, giving, beautiful women. I can't keep waiting for others to assure me that I have value. I will matter to myself now.

I will matter to myself.

Thinking...... is sometimes very painful and yet...

“No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy 

will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who

 knock it is opened.” 

~C.S.Lewis, The Great Divorce

C.S.Lewis is one of my favorite authors. He wasn't a writer I sought out, his words came upon me by necessity. He was a required class for my major in university.

Within the 16 week sememster we read nearly all of his novels. We went so quickly and touched so lightly on his words, the avenue so biased to Mormon think that it wasn't until nearly 30 years later, as I have started to tackle his words again that I seem to be understanding in a different much richer way.

I knew I would revisit all the old classics I sprinted through all those years ago. As I have; with time passing, learning, experience, heartache, I see the words; feel them actually, in a broader more meaningful way. Where I once saw one type of alliteration, a much different meaning exists. 

CS Lewis was a theologist, a humanist theologist. He spoke a universial language of acceptance of Christ. His words have such deep meaning. Even when I began my second journey through his words with "The Chronicles of Narnia", though I fully understand the premise, the parallals seem more profound, more universal.

So, what am I on about?????

Words. How you can spend your entire life thinking words have one meaning and how, though experience, through reality, through time, words will morph to a whole new way of being. 

Is it you that changes ir the words?

I am so grateful for change because it doesn't matter whether I changed or the words did, it's just different.

Less defined. More accepting. Less regimente. More accepting. Less judgemental, and much more accepting.

Exit Costs

“We are all tattooed in our cradles with the beliefs of our tribe; the record may seem superficial, but it is indelible.”

 ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.  The Poet at the Breakfast Table

You would think that a pattern that repeats itself becomes old and repetitive; boring some would say. For me, some repeated patterns of behavior are familiar, almost necessary for me to feel whole and yet others frustrate and anger me, make it that I must step back to find my inner center and core. It’s almost a search for a peaceful resolution to a war of behavior with no real purpose.

Well, should I write it, is it worth it,?

Here is what I am on about, here we go again.

Friday, 4:00 pm, BBG #1 and I are at the grocery mart. My phone rings. Well, that barely happens and the number was an energy company. I have some work related issues out there that can result in an unexpected call from an energy company so I chose to answer it.

 FIRST BIG MISTAKE! 

I should have left it to go to message.

“Hello?”

“S?"

“Yes, this is she.”

“Hi, this is Bishop H”, (huge amount of traffic noise in the background, clearly he is walking down a busy street), “I was just walking and your name came into my head, are you ok”?

“ahhhh, I’m sorry, what?, yes, I’m fine.”

“Oh, so everything is ok”?

“Yes, I’m good.”

Silence……….

“are you sure?"

“Yes, Bishop, I’m sure”.

“How about W, is he ok”?

“Yes, he’s away helping his Mom move, but yes, he’s fine”.

Silence…….

“S, your breaking up on me, so, everything is fine then!” (Almost in an angry way)

“Yes, BH, I am good, W is good, is there something you want”?

Silence……….

“S, your breaking up on me (whole lot of traffic noise, clearly he is walking somewhere and is having trouble hearing me).

“so, your good then,, is that what you’re saying…. You’re good”?

This time, I am silent for a minute (10 seconds maybe).

“S, you there? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you, I am just wondering why you are asking”?

Silence,(I would say an angry pause happened here for sure. This one was long and I wasn’t filling it. I wasn’t rude I just didn’t answer his questions with any detail. I honestly couldn’t figure out why, after nearly three years, after HE put me on the no contact list so NO ONE ever contacted me, why he was calling me now, on a Friday, why?)

“S, you’re breaking up on me, I am going to let you go.”

“Oh. Ok”.

Click.

Did you ever want a do over, a second chance?

I would love one for this phone call.

I wouldn’t get angry but I would ask, openly, why he was calling and what his intent was. I mean, we were close, I was one of his wife’s better friends and then it was gone, all of it. My entire social structure collapsed.

Its irony that fell soon after his wife lashed out at me in front of everyone in the chapel that second to last time I attended. I don’t blame him or her but putting me on the “No Contact” list without my ever asking to be on it does have some sway on active members who wonder if they should reach out.

I’m not special; most every member that quits activity loses friends and social status. It’s what is profoundly called the “EXIT COSTS”.

The Exit costs for me were huge, I would gladly pay them again but to ignore they exist would be in prudish.  My reality is a lonely one. I was in for over 50 years. It is going to take time to rebuild my life without Mormonism. It will be worth it, it already is.

I walked in numbness for a few minutes after the Bishop called. BBG # 1 asked who was on the phone and I answered, her response was “why is he calling”?

“I don’t know, my guess, he was asked to or he’s getting released and needs to account for my where abouts.”

And then, the conversation was over for the most part and I realized that I was really one of those now, one of those members that gets talked about in special meetings with missionaries and auxiliary leaders, where some might say “who is she?, or, Oh…. I remember her”. 

The church claims a membership of over 14 million members. In reality, some statistics have active membership as little as 3-4 million.

I am one of the 10 million that for whatever reason, chooses each Sunday to be somewhere other than the chapel. I am the name mentioned in the meetings and every excuse but the real one is given for my inactivity.

http://whymormonsleave.com/

Here’s a link to dispel the common myths as to why members stop going and here’s a request to a Bishop, any Bishop, to Bishop H. If you really care, take some time to find out, something more than a hurried call on a busy Friday afternoon. You might be surprised.

"There is no wealth," she went on, turning paler as she watched him, while her eyes grew yet more lustrous in their earnestness, "that could buy these words of me, and the meaning that belongs to them. Once cast away as idle breath, no wealth or power can bring them back. I mean them; I have weighed them; and I will be true to what I undertake." ~ Charles Dickens  “Dombey and Son”

pneumonia

It's official, pneumonia. When the doctor told me, I let an explicative slip and asked how? I had done everything to avoid it, doubled up the steroids, the puffers, avoided all the triggers. It was caught early, still really hurts, hopefully it will be over soon.

Time for sleep, sitting up and hoping catching it early means getting over it sooner.

Winter's Blues

The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. -Eckhart Tolle

The winter blues..... are hard. It doesn't help when you are fighting your second bout of a cold with the fear of crappy lungs hanging over you.

In photography, seasons have a hue, it's referenced as white balance. Summer is warm, winter cold, in even has a temp. When you shoot winter scenes you can change the hue or color by adjusting the color balance.

Here is a pic with the white balance is adjusted to take away the hue of winter and bring out the sunrise. You can, with the right software, change any mood of any landscape.

Some would say that anti depressants give the same effect for those who suffer from the winter blues. Others swear by light therapy. Shining a sun light on your face for a few hours. It works but its boring.

I haven't always had the winter blues. I think aging and being stuck in an office isn't helping but my solution usually is to just know that it's my reality and do what I can to get out and see the sun.

Depression is real. It does hurt but above all else it is managable. So here's to the 31st of January and just the realization that there is only 1 more month of the grey days and then, S-P-R-I-N-G!!!!

The Highwood pass opens again, the Spray Lakes are accessible and everything begins again.

Can't Wait!!!

Seriously?!

"We must remember that one determined person can make a significant difference, and that a small group of determined people can change the course of history. ~ Sonia Johnson

I have had a lot of time lately, some might argue too much of it really, but I have been catching up on reading, resting and generally trying to get myself through the flu even though this tokus had a flu shot.

Thus; the irony of my life.

In my reading I came across a link and it brought back some memories long ago of the time I spent at Ricks (BYU IDAHO).

It was the fall of 1979 and Mom had just dropped me off at Somerset Apartments. There I was, on my own for the first time and having a ball. I loved my classes, kind of liked my roommates and was learning to appreciate Rexburg Idaho.

It only took a few days to realize that the kind of "liberal" that I was would ultimately and completely place me in conflict with almost everyone there. I was young enough to not have a social filter (that's what you get when you graduate at 17) but wise enough to keep my mouth shut most of the right times. This was the time I think I grew the most as so much was required of me and I was on one of the first of many learning curves that would make me who I am today.

In Calgary, politics, especially women's rights was a non issue in the late 70's. The Charter Of Rights was being drawn and some things were just a given, common sense you might call it. Women were equals under the law and women's rights just existed.  It took only a few weeks in Rexburg to start to hear the rumbling of the ERA and the name Sonia Johnson.

The first time I had heard her name was in RS. The teacher was on the subject of what I don't know but then they began to talk about her and there was actual venom in the sister's voice. Naive as I was I turned and asked my California roommate who Sonia Johnson was. She was the right one to ask, her tone more liberal then most others there and she explained what it was all about. I remember turning to her and say; "seriously, you have to pass an amendment to provide rights for women?" I was flabbergasted  How were the rights for men vs women indistinguishable in any way?

Well, there was no Internet back then so I had to go to the library and look at the periodicals and the microfilms to find out more but as I did I began to realize that what I honestly took for granted simply wasn't written into the American system of law. It wasn't soon after this that I understood that the side I was on just wasn't the right one according to the majority and yet there were a few voices. I was a chicken back then, there would have been no way I would have been an advocate but I knew, deep in my heart that if a women in the church chose to stand for or against the ERA it remained a choice she had the right to make. She shouldn't be punished for her beliefs. More importantly, as the easiest cop out ever; I was Canadian, thank goodness, and this just wasn't my fight.

I followed the plight of Sonia Johnson through the years. I felt the sting of her excommunication through the halls of Ricks, felt the message loud and clear. I watched her on Donahue and wondered what was so threatening there? Here was this women speaking out for rights that seemed so given in the first place and here her life had fractured so completely  I couldn't have known back then the ultimate cost of it all.

Now, fast forward 30 years and here we are again only this time, it's not one voice but many and social media allows a connection that had Sonia had 30 years ago, maybe she wouldn't have been so alone. First pants and now prayers and when you think about it, the concept is asinine even it's mention. To think that women in 2013 have to protest for equality is astonishing.  Now, take a deep breath, this isn't about a bunch of heretics demanding the priesthood. It's so much more than that. Inform yourself before you criticize.

I remember the feeling I had 30 years ago on the Rick's campus as word spread that Sonia had been excommunicated. Fear shot through me that I couldn't quite describe. I knew then that the way I was thinking wasn't wrong, it just wasn't allowed and I was way to naive back then to connect that maybe the church was a place I just didn't belong. I have heard and read accounts of students and intellectuals in the 90's who understood the message sent then by the excommunication of the Sept 6 and how it drove them away or to silence. What would it take for the voices of those demanding change to be heard rather than silenced?

Now, I look at these new courageous women, connected through a medium not controlled by a dominant lds leadership in a broader more spread out church membership and wonder; is this the time? Is this the moment when equality for lds women can finally be realized?

When I think that women can't even pray in general conference and if this is threatening in anyway to the priesthood leadership, what then does that say about the church as a whole. My hope and prayer is that those in leadership can embrace womanhood for all it offers and not stifle into a "keep Sweet" kind of box. That, I am sure, may be a bit of a problem.

My hope is in these courageous women. They have within their grasp the tools of social media. This generation of women are more educated, more willing to speak out and less afraid and they are supported mostly by more confident and intelligent young men who are unaffected by stronger women in their lives. Maybe we were silenced outwardly 30 years ago but what they couldn't silence was the fact that as mothers we would raise sons and daughters to be unafraid of the changes and to see the need for change.

So here is to the petition for Women being able to say the Prayer in Conference. I'd sign it but I am on my way out of the morg, but if you're still in and you see this practise as condescending and ridiculous  sign it and make a change.

I wonder what Sonia is thinking right now about the FmH'ers? I hope she knows how much of an influence she had on so many of us and how grateful we are for her.

Good luck girls.

Reasoning the Unreasonable

"Why do you make surviving all about being abused? Is that all you hope to be and all that you are about?"

Surviving is about dealing with the scars from the abuse we endured and overcoming the pain from the past as we allow ourselves to heal. When it comes to spreading awareness, survivors use their stories of how they were abused to open people's eyes to the truth about what really goes on behind closed doors. Survivors are not all about being abused. No, we are about shedding light on the truth and we reach out to others by sharing our own experiences. We're about educating people on the dangers of abuse and exposing the truth for all to see. We're about giving other survivors and victims hope and faith that they can have a life after abuse and live an abuse free life. That it is possible. There would never be any change and none of us could ever make a difference if we didn't share our experiences with others. The life of a survivor and victim is not all glitter and glam. Abuse is not pretty and neither are the battles we face after we go from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

~ Abuse no More Tina H.

It's been a battle of the flu for the past few weeks. When my body is weakened my heart and soul becomes vulnerable. I spend my days recovering and my mind then wanders, back, to a more unpleasant time. It happens less and less now and I am so grateful for that but when my mind does recall the emotions what forefronts the most is regret coupled with the guilt that had I just been stronger, braver, whatever it could have been, I would have spared so much more harm to the blameless; my kids.

2012 brought about so many changes, mostly for the good. I saw myself stronger than I have ever been. I have reconnected to people I never thought possible and realized just how others needed distancing. I have disappointed family and I have impressed others. I opened up to possibilities of a better future and made bold decisions. Overall, I am improved and that is all we can mostly hope for when we look back on a past year.

My writing has dramatically slowed down. I would hope it was because I am a more content person. I think time management may be in play as well. Either way, I think I need to focus more on a resolutive prose, a healing narrative because I think, for the most part, the anger has dissipated.

I was on the FmH FB page today, a thread about ecclesiastical inaction over spousal and parental abuse was filling quickly. I comment so little on these forums, mostly because my emotional responses still hold so much anger and hurt they become ineffectual. Over and over the comments contained the lack of response from Bishops and Stake presidents in abuse matters. Every part of me wanted to write something, say something and yet all that I could even muster was "did you really think it would be different?"

Through everything the one most apparent lesson I have learned in this matter is that all the promises made through conference talks, RS lessons and sacramental talks from the pulpit is NOTHING will ever be done though empty promises of change are never ending. It's the reality of being a Mormon women in a church of misogynistic leadership, a "good old boys club" of protection.

Why can I say that? I have lived it. It's my reality.

I am not going to even bother with the details, too many and familiar. I think over 1/2 of the single members of the church have a story to tell. My bet would be most would find themselves exactly where I am; out of the fold.

I am going to do something today, I never thought I would. I am moving forward with removing my name.   For so many more reasons than this, when people ask me "are you Mormon?", I don't want to answer Yes any more. There is nothing, doctrinally, historically, or socially involved in Mormonism that I find any longing to be a part of anymore.

Why now? 

Let M answer that. 

It's time.

It's IRONIC really, the "good ol boy's club" saving the one and in turn losing 5. 

I have hope is those young FmHer's. Maybe they can affect change, maybe they will make a difference. Maybe their generation of singles sisters will garnish a respect so few of my generation were ever afforded.

Regrets

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.” ~Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre

Every once in a while my whole soul gets basted in the regrets of my past journey. I over analyse every mistake and every direction taken incorrectly and find myself self inflicting the lack of forgiveness required to overcome the consequences of those mistakes.

Had I been strong and full of the confidence to not allow myself to be abused I could have spared so much pain for every other member of that journey we shared. I have no doubt that with the self confidence to simple speak up in a positive and assertive way rather than shrink into the destructive pattern I might just have saved the heartache that some members of my family feel now. Oh, if I could just go backwards in time and be a better example, what I would give.

What am I on about?

Thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy taught me one of the most vital lessons to a healthy life. Change is entirely self driven. You cannot change others you can only change yourself. period.

So, what that means is, if life isn't working for you, what can YOU do to change it. Once I understood that concept I then knew that if I did all I could do to change my life, to make it better and those within it were unwilling to find the change in themselves a well, well then, that might just be an indicator to move on.

I think that sums up pretty neatly the reason I chose to walk away from a 20+ year marriage.

My fault lies in letting it be so dysfunctional for far too long.

I have had some time in the past few weeks to really look hard at who I am and what I am about.

Best described would be imperfect, completely, utterly imperfect.

I am so full of so many regrets.

I was set back by the actions of another, someone I thought would have had at least the decency to acknowledge his responsibility to his son, but he didn't. Didn't even answer the email to say no, just silence.

I have had to have my son wait now to fix a health problem that is huge. For the first time, I am overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of my children.

I remember my Mom, when I had no where to go but her house at 43 years old. she said: "I love you, I can't give you much but what I can give you in a roof over your head and food on the table."

When does our responsibility end as parents? When do you stop feeling the pangs of need your children have?

I guess for M, the day he married his second wife. That was the last day he ever contributed anything.

I used to say, when we were first married, that he was the kind of man that would do anything to provide for his family. Well history has proven me wrong.

When push came to shove, I was out at the $6.oo/hr job while he was home "working full time trying to find a full time job",  hmmnn, is that what he still says?

I have men angry these past few weeks, wanting to blame someone for this situation, wanting to scream, shout, do something to have M see that even legally, we could go after him to force him to help, make him help.

What good would that do?

Well, this is a tough one to let go, to not stew over. Being sick didn't help in the process of "letting go" either.

So, to get back to where I started, regrets can cripple a soul. Over and over again I have said that if the sole purpose of that 25 year marriage rests in that 4 beautiful, oh wait, that's six now, people are in my life fulfilling every warm part of my sole then I guess it's time to put away the regrets and get down to the living.

I know this post doesn't make sense, its a bit because it was started a month ago, medications still working and sometimes our pasts just simply don't make sense, ever.

Beginnings

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. 

But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. 

~ Sir Winston Churchill

I have always loved nature. I can't remember a time when being outside for me wasn't a testament of a loving God who provided such an amazing universe. I wonder if it was all those beautiful Sunbeam lessons about the Sun and the rain and the plants that used to be the guts of those early primary manuals. Either way, whether it be the LDS church or God, taking a big breath anywhere I go helps me to know who I am and what I am about on my sojourn here. 

I was away this holiday season. It was the first time in all of my years as a mother I wasn't with my children. I was with W's family who have taken me in as one of them and they are the "salt" of the earth. They are "GOOD" people.

They live in northern BC. Plenty of people wonder how anyone lives north of even Calgary but there is a particular type of Canadian that thrives in all that Canada has to offer both in the summer and winter. These H's know just how much joy can come out of living in the north. I can't describe just how much beauty there is up there, I would do it a disservice. I was in awe and still believe it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

I haven't seen that much snow in one place unless a very bad storm had gone through Calgary. To them; it was the snow "so far".  It piles up thru to March and then melts and then spring comes and it becomes a beauty that Spring can only bring to a winter wonderland.

I dream of living in a place where the seasons are full and the landscape rustic. W continually tells of his adventures when living in Prince George and just how much he would love to live in a similar place where the pace is easier and the people, well, I don't know, the people are just different.

On the day we left, we woke early and it had snowed nearly all night. W filled the truck and we wished our hosts good bye. As we came out from behind the house and there, I saw it. Something I had never witnessed before. I can't say why I haven't, maybe because the Rockies illuminate so much over our western horizon in Calgary that it might get lost or maybe because I just never had noticed it before but there, through the woods, the moon was setting and my heart was stilled. What an unbelievably beautiful movement. 

I grabbed my camera and did the best I could to capture it but nothing in visual print could ever compare to the feeling I had of seeing the moon set. Weird I know, but wow, it moved me; changed me really. I wondered how someone could actually get to over 50 years old and never see the moon set so beautifully.

I have taken some barbs over these new relatives of mine. Someone once asked me to remove a nephew's FB feed over his hunting pictures. I have always refused. Not out of defence for his hunting but out of his defense to hunt. The H men are all alpha males. They hunt, they fish, they define "red neck" Canadian and yet each one of them has a tender heart for the women in their lives. They treat there mother like gold, and puff their chests in all it's maleness but still let there women be the women they are intended to be. The H women (including D) are clearly the strongest women I have ever met. They glue this family and they live life more fully then any other women I have known. They call  a spade a spade and expect the game to be fair. They have changed me for the better. Being in this new family has helped me heal in a way I never thought possible.