Walking Admidst the Storm

I am heading out to the island for a short but very needed vacation. This year so far is taking a huge toll on me and if I don't take a minute it is going to swallow me up. I learned something today about expectations. A lesson I think keeps coming at me so clearly one I haven't quite learned.

I have mentioned so many times about my giving nature. I need to just realize and stop giving without any expectation of anything back of any kind ever because then I won't be disappointed. I am not sure why this isn't sinking in.

Charity is unselfish and when I give I do so on the principle mostly of karma or whatever you want to call it. It's the pay it forward principle knowing that in reality very few people do so.

I need to stop, completely, before I give all of me away. I am getting close.

They say you earn respect but I keep thinking how much does it really cost. I don't give to earn it, but why can't it just be the change??? Would people respect me more if I just kept saying NO.

A good long walk on an ocean I feel my song through is so needed right now. So needed!

Social Suicide

Somewhere deep in my heart I can feel a transformation coming. It's than gnawing you get when you know something big is going to happen or there is a "A HA" moment just around life's bend for you. The anticipation is killing you and the sheer terror of wondering what it might be frightens the begebe's out of you.

I read back a few posts and started to realize the pity party I was finding myself in. It made me understand that everything I had read, been told and worried about was in fact my entire reality. When you leave the church, you in fact, commit a kind of social suicide of sorts and you have to re-establish everything socially in your life. The transition is HARD and you do actually grow in the end but in the mean time, you cry and your hurt and you get ANGRY. That's reality.

I have friends who have paved the way. They lost their entire social network too. It made me think.... WHY?

I hear the story of someone I once knew in Ontario only slightly who has suffered immensely at the wimps of gossip and innuendo as his family transitioned out. I communicate with a young man who remains active in unbelief because he can't loss the wife's family who WILL if hey knew, disown their own daughter and I have the young LDS friends of my son here in my home struggling to find who they are and express appreciate for the lack of conditions for acceptance in my own home and I know, if their parents knew, they wouldn't be welcome through my front door.

I am heading out to the island in a couple of days. I will walk along the beach looking at the ocean and I will ponder my path. I will say again, I have no regrets for walking away, just pain at the realization that what I thought to be so right was in fact superficial and hollow from the truths I held so dear to the friendships I felt so strong about.

Someone asked me the other day, did I ever worry about the words I pen here being a reason for the church to take action against me. I thought for a moment and said, "if my words were reason enough for them to discipline me then maybe that's the path meant for me to take." I can't see harm in expressing the very nature of all that I feel, it's a blog, a sort of online journal written for my posterity to understand me and why I feel the way I do. I am sorry if it hurts or offends others. I know I am a disappointment to some of my family. I know they feel I have lost faith. Nothing I say or write is going to make it different for them. I only know in my heart that these last few months have taken more faith and more courage then anything I have done previously. I still have and am proud of the strong and abiding testimony I have of my Savior's love for me and my journey. HE knows my heart and understands my ways.

The only word of caution I would extend now is to anyone who is reading this and wondering about their own testimony of whatever holds them to the church. Know this. If you express your concern, or your dissatisfaction, be prepared to have a lonely and solitary journey. There is no room for doubt and if expressed it will be a reason for so many to walk away. It is social suicide.

I am rebuilding and doing so with the love and compassion of a wonderful husband who has great patience. With children happy to see their mother out of the vice grip of a church that emotionally was strangling her. These are the people that matter to me. I hope that soon, I can find my emotional balance again so I can be everything to them that I should have been in the first place.

They Say Time Heals.....

They say that time heals all wounds, I wonder who defined the time line? 

I am sitting on my bed, it's 7:42 Sunday morning. My house is filled with band geeks, they are on my couches, on the third level floor, the spare room and in the basement. D had a party here last night and W and I left the house for most of the night last night returning home at 1:00AM. These are great kids, they give so much of there time and this is there way of burning off the extra energy. When we got home, the party was clearly not over but W and I slipped up to our room, shut the door and actually fell asleep.

This is how normal people do things, keeping the kids under your wings and yet still giving them some antonym. I wonder if my girls had have had this kind of freedom what would have changed in the results of their lives? I can't answer that question but what I can say is that D continues to feel out the freedom and continues to be a great kid as our his sisters in spite of what others might believe.

So, here I sit, thinking probably more than I should about healing and wondering what is it that is making it so hard for me to come to a resolve of finality. Why does my heart still hold anger and resentment and why can't I come to some conclusion of peace in my heart?

Every morning as I struggle to maintain a family abandoned by a supposed "honorable" priesthood holder, every last few days of the month when the calls come concluding the "contact" required to elevate the stats for home teaching and visiting teaching I get more and more resentment for the LOST time in holding on to something that harmed me and my family so immensely.

Would they have ever been a time that this culture would have ever seen me or my children as having any "value" at all? Here's the kicker, why do I STILL CARE? You know the value you held when the Bishop, rather then reaching out simple adopts a "good rid dens" attitude, when the quorum your new husband is supposed to belong to has never once made him feel welcome because of there loyalty to a man so abusive that if the truth were truly told, well, that's the catch in the LDS church, a woman's and children's truth will never weigh equal to a man who holds the priesthood, goodness knows men that hold the priesthood NEVER do anything wrong. I find myself swirling in resentment at the lack of forgiveness offered to my children and I and to the latitude granted a man who so easily abused those he professed to love.

I want to say I miss church, but I don't. I want to say I miss my friends but they have clearly shown that our friendship was based on the condition of my attendance. I want to say those once a month phone calls matter to me but I know they are just about a stat and a number. As long as the inactive was "contacted" they must care.

Would I change anything now? Maybe seeing the light a bit sooner, maybe finding a way for the bitterness to leave me so I could be more whole, maybe being less of a "religious zealot" with my girls and more "there" for them so the ******* couldn't have inflicted the amount of harm he did inflict.

They have support groups for people like me. It's funny, I still don't want to express or allow my emotions to be that vulnerable ever again. I remember being on the edge one day during RS bearing my testimony and turning and seeing the "matron" of the ward just nod her head in disapproval. Maybe if all those years ago, instead of trying so hard to fit in I could have just realized how I never was going to, how much heart ache could I have avoided.

That's the question I never be able to answer the regret I will continue to live with.

Here's to finally finding a way to put these matters to rest.

Defining Families

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present."

~ Lao Tzu

As to my previous post I will reiterate that Father's Day can be difficult here. I was determined today to change that just as much as I could possibly have happen. Early this morning I woke up Boo and we went to a place I had been thinking about for months to take pictures for my portfolio and to document his love of music and all things Sax. He has a gift and when he plays my heart sings.

Today, we spent the morning talking and laughing and sharing, thanks Boo for reminding me how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Then a call to K3 and M. Family portrait time. There are some who would say they aren't a family, I defy that. They are the average family, they struggle, they laugh, they live and they love. K3 defines acceptance and JOY and as her baby baby grows my heart grows.
W was with us, helping me through the whole morning and I was able to get a few shots of him as wells. M, my sista visited and we went and visited K2. Then back home and lip smacking ribs were in order. I felt closer to God today then I have in a very long time.
This journey is so awesome! I just miss my K1 so much!!!!

Father's DAY

Tomorrow is Father's day. Around here that holds a bit more meaning because we find ourselves in a conundrum every year.

For me, it's simple. Though my Father was absent for most of my growing up I have come to terms with who he is in my life. There was a time where I held some resentment for who he was and how he was but after Mom passed he and I had to reach past our comfort zones to find a way to be Father and daughter. I have not heard my Father say the words "I love you" but once; the day my Mom died. There has never been a moment where I haven't known that he in fact did love me.

For my children, this day is very much an exercise in emotional tugging. Do they contact a man who never speaks to them? Do they reach out to a man who has done nothing to make resolve to a difficult and abuse filled past. I see the emotion of my children on this day and I have two very real and heartfelt emotions that surface. Anger and empathy.

Anger because, well, lots of reasons and empathy because I would do anything to make it different if I could, contray to some peoples opinions.

The dynamics of parenthood are so vast and complex. If it was easy, I doubt life would be as fulfilling. Growth comes from the journey having the challenges it does. I think that those who have awesome and complete father/child relationships are blessed. I feel strongly about the reality of a father's role in the emotional stability and health of teenage daughters. A girl who knows and trusts the love her father has for her is much more likely to have emotional strength that can carry her through very hard social environments. And as I watch D struggle I know just how vital a father's relationship in a son's life is as well.

W hasn't tried in any way to replace M. He has come into this house as my husband and has, when asked, offers his words. Yesterday, as D came back from the "pick-a-part with his new door because his car was broken into this week I peaked out of the window to see the two of them, W and D working together to fix it. I've seen W instinctively know to hug one of the girls when they are having a hard day. It's not perfect, I am not saying that, but it is 100% different then it was before and it is getting better all the time.



So, Happy Father's Day everyone, especially the two new Dad's we are welcoming into our family. May you know and feel the love that will forever define you with the purpose of the journey. It is and will be the most fulfilling and challenging experience you will ever have.

An Opinion

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is." ~ Oscar Wilde


I guess I have turned into a deep thinker, either that or I simply obsess over issues best left alone…. Opps; maybe it’s a bit of both. Anyway, here’s what I am thinking. A few months ago, a “friend” who had deeply hurt me offered her form of an olive branch by asking me to consider going to New York City and see the new Broadway musical “The Book of Mormon”. I thought it was an odd branch and I goggled it. There is was; the South Park boys had done it again.


Well, since it was a short branch and nothing else was heard I let it go but was fascinated by this new musical. What was so funny about that book? I believe in staying clear of open mockery of anything! Fundamentalist over aggression is not something I am fond of either but please, respect belief whether you believe the truth of that belief or not, it’s all I ask.


So, fast forward 7 months and the musical hits Broadway with a bang. I have internet acquaintances that went and reported back that it was funny and satirical, much in the “South Park” vain. Some “Born Again” Christians were offended at the open rebellion and mockery that the Ugandans natives showed towards GOD in there songs and words and some felt it was simply appropriate when taken into context.


So you ask what an ex-mormon has to say about an issue that really isn’t their business anymore. I know, right! Normally, I would just bow out and stay clear because a.) Chances are I will never be able to see the play in the first place. (I don’t think opinions count unless they are validated by personal experience or knowledge) and b.) I am not much concerned about it.


So, hears the kicker – I got an email with a link to the SALT LAKE TRIBUNE’S critic of the whole shebang. Weird hey, SLC sent someone to NYC to see a Broadway musical so they could go back to SLC and give an “unbiased” (cough, cough, cough, cough) critique. Not going to happen….. Ever. It’s kind of like asking me if the Mormon’s are a nice bunch of people. I know some will say they are but those words won’t much exit out of my mouth. I can’t be trusted with an unbiased opinion on that matter and so I don’t give it, unless I am blogging or asked. Period.


Anyway, back to the point of my post. For years and years and years as I sat through hours and hours and hours of religious instruction there never was a moratorium on bashing other religions. I mean jokes, harsh words, laughter and even out right assertion of WRONG. It wasn’t taboo to go there and they did, often. So here I was reading this article thinking, really, you’re calling that card? You’re angry because you feel attacked. As my momma used to say – “If you can’t stand the heat – get out of the kitchen”.


Many a better person has made fun of me, I am the constant joke for some of the Sunday dinners for the way I have been and acted but when I finally grew up, and I realized that if you can’t laugh at yourself, who will? So buck up Momo’s, this is a parody and really, think about it. A sheltered, morally outstanding Utah boy has a grasp on a war torn Godless culture just because he speaks the language? Really?


Let’s talk reality. Missions change these little boys into men but for those unfortunate ones who end up in places like Uganda, Mozambique, Haiti, the Philippines, their lives are never the same. They see things you and I will never see and now I am hearing stories of these young men never recovering from these experiences. If the musical draws attention to it then instead of being offended think about it. Yes, I know there are some songs that even offend me but that’s when I exercise that gift we all know about – choice. Shut it out, don’t go see and walk away. An yeah, when you hear about this religion or that or the assertion that no one is happy unless their Momo think about what that says and how offensive it might be to someone else. It can’t always be a one way street.


If you can’t find the humor in the difficulties of life then pack it up now. We have a joke in our house. When it gets tense or hard, we blame it on the “Daddy” issues. Yes, that’s right. The “Daddy” issues and sometime they pull in the Mom. What’s behind us is a ****show of heart ache but it is something we find humor in because we can. As angry as I can get, laughing is what moves us forward. Humor is essential to an emotionally healthy life.


Yes, I know. I am removed so I might not get as offended by those who would attack JS but please, how many Pope Jokes have you heard lately. If you’re offended, don’t attack back, walk away. It’s that easy. Really!

Nothing is so hard for those who abound in riches as to conceive how others can be in want. ~ Jonathan Swift

When I was a little girl and thru my teen years my Dad had a favorite saying or shall we say point that he reiterated over and over again – “we needed to know and be grateful for the world we lived in because many weren’t so lucky”. He would speak about his experiences with poverty in Columbia, Papua, New Guinea and Thailand/Vietnam and wanted us to understand that getting up in the morning and having 5 different cars to choose from wasn’t the norm.

I have always been grateful for that lesson. In 6th grade I did a report on Thailand and rather than focus on all the “storybook” King and I snap shots I chose rather to focus on the pictures of the beggars and the street markets and the refugees fleeing into Thailand from Cambodia and Vietnam. I knew from a very early age about the world and about the cultures that both fostered growth and hindered its people.

Move forward to now.

I tried to raise my kids with the same values and life lessons. When we travelled I would ask them to pay attention to it and to understand. I am not sure how well I did but I think they know, I think they get it.

You also know of my profound love of photography and beautiful places. We are so lucky here but what is beautiful and how do you define it?

K1 has a friend she danced with for a number of years. When they finished High School he went on the cruise ships. He traveled and loved it and as he did, he picked up a camera and his creativity shifted from the stage to the screen. Over time he changed his momentum. He started to focus on something deeper and more pure. He transitioned and then came to a place where he knew what he wanted to do. He gave up dance and went to photography full time.

He took beautiful pictures like this.

And then he found his calling;

http://jeremyfokkens.com/blog/

I love his blog. I love his humanity. I can’t speak enough about a world that has men like this in it. K1 has always had great friends. Jeremy is stellar amongst them. I can’t say enough about his gift of capturing humanity in the most profound ways.

I can’t express enough about my desire to make a difference in the world; I am 50 and still haven’t found my passion or calling. Jeremy, at 28 has a lock on his. Please know how amazed I am at the maturity of it all.

Promotion of this blog and Jeremy’s talent is essential because this guy is not in it for the money. He is in it to bring a light to the state of our world.

Congrats Jeremy for being the strong voice you are becoming and for finding your path, your absolute song!

Clenched Fists and Other Oxyimorons

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.  

~ George Jean Nathan

I couldn't sleep last night, at all. There was this moment yesterday morning when I transitioned into a very angry stage of this process of redefining my faith. I have felt myself ebbing towards it but yesterday it was like I fell off the cliff and found myself in a whole lotta caca and was seriously po'd. Thank goodness I was on my own, that's all I gotta say.

Nope, maybe a bit more.

It was like I suddenly realized just how much crap I put up with under the guise of being Mormon and how "keeping the peace" was so important. There I was thinking about all the years, all the many years and wondering, please don't make it be all in vain, like a wasted 1/2 century.

I could go into it all but what would be the point, the nutshell is, I have never been super liked by the Momo's and believe or not, there is such a thing as 'Spiritual bullies".

I think the one clear thing that came through was how little friendship and relationship on any kind of deep level matter in the faith. Friendships end all the time when ward boundaries change. I just never thought my friends were like that. They were, most of them anyway.

I have a couple left, the trailblazer - she left a year before I did and the die hard TBM who gives me faith everyday of the fact that there is something right that still exists there. She's my Christian music loving, southern Alberta 5th generation girl with a bisexual son, a born again youth minister daughter and perfect Mormon child plus one we can't quite get a grasp on yet daughter. We talk often and she gently assures me by her actions that under all the culture is a belief system that when practised correctly is a loving and kind place to reside. She keeps me up to date and we have OPEN and HONEST conversations the SHE IS UNAFRAID OF. I think she is God's gentle reminder to me that my life in the church wasn't a complete waste of time.

I have no idea how long I am going to be in the angry stage, I hope not long. Until then, best be left alone by the zealots and the hard liner black and white types.

S out.

Fowler's Stages of Faith - where I am at - I think.

In Stage 3 Synthetic-Conventional faith, a person's experience of the world now extends beyond the family. A number of spheres demand attention: family, school or work, peers, street society and media, and perhaps religion. Faith must provide a coherent orientation in the midst of that more complex and diverse range of involvements. Faith must synthesize values and information; it must provide a basis for identity and outlook.

Stage 3 typically has its rise and ascendancy in adolescence, but for many adults it becomes a permanent place of equilibrium. It structures the ultimate environment in interpersonal terms. Its images of unifying value and power derive from the extension of qualities experienced in personal relationships. It is a "conformist" stage in the sense that it is acutely tuned to the expectations and judgments of significant others and as yet does not have a sure enough grasp on its own identity and autonomous judgment to construct and maintain an independent perspective. While beliefs and values are deeply felt, they typically are tacitly held-the person "dwells" in them and in the meaning world they mediate. But there has not been occasion to step outside them to reflect on or examine them explicitly or systematically. At Stage 3 a person has an "ideology," a more or less consistent clustering of values and beliefs, but he or she has not objectified it for examination and in a sense is unaware of having it. Differences of outlook with others are experienced as differences in "kind" of person. Authority is located in the incumbents of traditional authority roles (if perceived as personally worthy) or in the consensus of a valued, face-to-face group.

The emergent capacity of this stage is the forming of a personal myth-the myth of one's own becoming in identity and faith, incorporating one's past and anticipated future in an image of the ultimate environment unified by characteristics of personality.

The dangers or deficiencies in this stage are twofold. The expectations and evaluations of others can be so compellingly internalized (and sacralized) that later autonomy of judgment and action can be jeopardized; or interpersonal betrayals can give rise either to nihilistic despair about a personal principle of ultimate being or to a compensatory intimacy with God unrelated to mundane relations

Factors contributing to the breakdown of Stage 3 and to readiness for transition may include: serious clashes or contradictions between valued authority sources; marked changes, by officially sanctioned leaders, or policies or practices previously deemed sacred and unbreachable (for example, in the Catholic church changing the mass from Latin to the vernacular, or no longer requiring abstinence from meat on Friday); the encounter with experiences or perspectives that lead to critical reflection on how one's beliefs and values have formed and changed, and on how "relative" they are to one's particular group or background. Frequently the experience of "leaving home"--emotionally or physically, or both--precipitates the kind of examination of self, background, and lifeguiding values that gives rise to stage transition at this point.

25 and Counting

25 years ago I met in real person mode BBG#2. We had spent a few months before conversing through the womb and what she let me know inutero was she was a self willed determined woman who would make her own appearance on her own terms. For nearly 10 weeks before her birth we were hospitalized. K2 kept trying to make an entrance and the Dr's kept trying different ways to dissuade her from coming early. On a Friday morning just over two weeks away from her due date - they decided to take a needle that was about 12 inches long and stick it into my womb to gauge her readiness, lung wise for the real world and while they were at it, they were going to check to see if she was a she or a he.

Well, before the tests could be read K2 showed up in all her glory, strikingly beautiful and ready, right from the word go to own her life. Some would have called it stubborn but there was always something about it that made her different from all the rest. She was the student every teacher wanted, the child other parents measured their kids against and she easily became a target of the mean girls fueled by jealousy. She even handled that with grace and dignity.

She makes no apologies for her beliefs, she recognizes her issues and chooses the path to work through them and she does it all while I stand in awe. She is the gatekeeper of our family, you mess with any one of us and you feel her wrath. She is the siren call of everything that makes us right and not about what makes us wrong. She reminds of the mountains we have climbed and not the places we fell down. She is a super woman, I have raised superwomen and if you were to ask me how I couldn't even answer how except that they came wrapped up in courage and strength and I am the recipient of their graces.

25 years of awesomeness has been my privilege of being her Mom. Her first 1/4 century has been remarkable, I can hardly wait for the rest.

Dreamers and Other Misguided Notions

Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer

Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no!

I said dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer

Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no!

I said "Far out, - What a day, a year, a laugh it is!"

You know, - Well you know you had it comin' to you,

Now there's not a lot I can do

Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer;

So now you put your head in your hands, oh no!

I said "Far out, - What a day, a year, a laugh it is!"

You know, - Well you know you had it comin' to you,

Now there's not a lot I can do.

Well work it out someday

If I could see something

You can see anything you want boy

If I could be someone-

You can be anyone, celebrate boy.

If I could do something-

Well you can do something,

If I could do anything-

Well can you do something out of this world?

Take a dream on a Sunday

Take a life, take a holiday

Take a lie, take a dreamer

dream, dream, dream, dream, dream along...

Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer

Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no!

I said dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer

Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no!

OH NO!

I took a trip down memory lane last night and it was wonderful. My friend S and I went to go see Supertramp. A great rock (?) band of the 70's. It brought back some awesome recollections of a very wonderful, open and unbelievable time in my life. It made me so grateful yet again for how well my parents did and how truly gifted my Mom was at being a mother.

I think I have blogged about my Honors English class before but I was too lazy to link it here. Just as a reminder, in grade 9, a group of kids were placed into an experimental English class. I knew something was up when we walked into the classroom and there were 4 massive speakers at each corner of the room. The chairs were set in a square against the walls of the classroom leaving the middle open and accessible. We murmured (great Mormon word BTW) wondering what was up when a tall, lanky, hair down to his waist, teacher walked in. YIKES, this was '76 and though the hippy generation was in full swing, long haired freaky people weren't something I was used to being around.

He introduced himself as Mr F. and then continued to explain that his appearance at our junior high was an experiment and we were his subjects. For the next few months we were going to take a different approach to learning and that if we were opposed, instead of running to our mommies - we could leave right there and then. I was fascinated. I felt I was on the greatest amusement ride and every moment was going to be a thrill. I was not disappointed.

For the next few months, each day, we studied the works of Supertramp and Pink Floyd. We analyzed every sentence, every word, every note and what it meant not to everyone, but to each one of us personally. It was and continues to be the most influential learning experiment I was ever to be a part of. My whole perspective of reading and listening centres around the tools Mr F gave me that year.

Last night, as Supertramp began this song I sat back and found myself hearing and feeling all of the emotions of that time. Of finding in all the music words for a generation.

I hear today's songs in much the same way. What is this generation trying to tell us, it's very scary stuff. Maybe we should listen a bit more.

Perception can be Sanitized

Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted. ~ William Hazlitt

* DISCLAIMER - For my active and strong Mormon family - you may want to skip this post. I am venting here and you may strongly disagree.

Trust is something I do far too easily. I have been raised LDS. As far as I can remember I have memories of sitting in little chairs having standardized pictures that have remained the same for all ions of my growing up. There is the one of the Savior coming out of the clouds, or of the children on Jesus's lap and Joseph Smith in the sacred grove. All bring back thoughts and feelings of everything I was taught to be true. I never doubted for a moment that what was depicted in those illustrations was different then the truth they meant to me.

Here is the illustration I grew up with of the interpretation of Joseph Smith translating the plates. I don't remember very much discussion of how it was done, just that it was a process very much inspired from God. All throughout my growing up I trusted the images I was shown and that I myself displayed year after year for both my learning and my teaching.

Imagine my dismay when after reading the book "Rough Stone Rolling" I was first introduced to a much different method of the translation of the BOM. Even in this book it was lightly touched on and after going forward and researching I was agast at learning that the documented recollections and first hand accounts are actually more in keeping with this illustration. 

He threw the stones (peeping stones) in the hat and peered into it. Oliver never saw the physical "golden plates", he and the other witnesses were only spiritually shown them. I think it was with this that my world crumbled a little. Yes, I am weak according to many LDS people; my faith insufficient to comprehend this, too weak to have the faith to accept it. My question is, if this is how Joseph translated the plates than why not have the second illustration be the one found in the chapel libraries all over the world? Why isn't that the one we sing to during primary. Why change it?

Why has so much of the history be sanitized? The answer I received was that as a member of the church there would be many who would not have sufficient enough faith to withstand the "weirdness" of the restoration of the gospel. Weirdness? Please, you mean a man peering into a top hat isn't crazy to you too?

Then I dug deeper and out of respect for my family I will stop now. You don't get to have honest and open discussions about these difference in church because you are then labeled a heretic and God forbid you discuss it with you Bishop - he defaults to faith and prayer. You just can't get a straight answer on this... ever.

When did I know I was done. When the people got so mean it was unbearable and I could no longer swallow the belief that a man who could demand his follower's wife under the guise of inspiration could ever have been inspired to anything. Was he a good man, probably. But not to the point of equality to the Savior, hmnnn, I just can't see Jesus asking Peter, James and John to show their faith by giving them there wives.

Yes, I know, blasphemy here. Maybe I am pushing this all for the wrong reasons. All I ask for is honesty. It's ambiguous at best in the LDS faith. I guess this is my coming out, most believe I left because of a offense. Nope, it's much deeper than that. Much deeper.

Here is to going to hell, at least I will be surrounded by some pretty amazing people - opps, maybe not, I won't have inherited the BIG C so like most of the rest of the world, i won't get to be with my family. Gotta love a faith that makes God such a fair and loving man.

Please forgive me if I offended you, my apologies.