Gladys Knight - The Need to Be lyrics
I was having a quiet night at home last night. W and his daughter went to the Movie in the Park at Lake Bonavista and D was out at a games night. I multi tasked through the channels and found a Tyler Perry movie called "I Can Do Bad All By Myself". I love Tyler Perry and his character Madeia(?) This movie moved me. It ouched close to home on so many levels. If you read my blog on a regular basis you know how touched I can be by music and by lyrics. Well, this one had me in tears. It was the song of my soul. It was a moment where I thought whoever penned these words knew my very inner song.
Here's what I am on about;
Gladys Knight - The Need to Be
To for-fill to need to be
Who I am in this world
Is all I ask
I can't pretend to be something I'm not
And I won't wear a mask
You've touched my face with love in your eyes
But will you touch my heart
With the understanding that it takes to realize
I just can't play a part
There's the need to be true to myself
And make my own mistakes
And not to lean too hard on someone else
No matter what it takes
So if you're sure it's love
Just be sure it's love
For this thing called me
'Cause I am what I am and
I have the need to be
I'm not fool enough to ever think
That I could be the master of my fate
But it's up to me to choose my roads in life
Rocky may well be the ones I take
There's the need to be something more than
Just a reflection of a man
I can't survive in someone's shadow
I need my own spot to stand
So if you're sure it's love
Just be sure it's love
For this thing called me
I am what I am and
I have the need to be
So if you're sure it's love
Just be sure it's love
For this thing called me
I am what I am and
I have the need to be...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Roads
The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.
I had one of my last Friday's off today. It gave me some time. I woke up early and ran some necessary errands. I got a new vacuum which is totally boring but in my life, completely surreal. I went with W and let me tell you. I adore being with him, making decisions with him, just living a journey with him. I know for most of you, this kind of day to day activity is tedious but for me, so wonderful.
W took his daughter to Elbow Falls and I chose to stay home as I am still recovering. I get these unexpected fevers and my back can ache so I didn't want to push it. Just after he left D came home from his first ever adult and alone (without parents or family) camping trip. My Baby is D is a grown up. Soon the house was a buzz with kids because K3 and M came to pay there first month's rent. Wow, weird to be a landlord but I have great tenants. We chatted for a bit and then they were off to fill the rest of their day with their journey. D left and I had the house alone.
I sat on my new deck built by my amazing husband and the puppies were playing and the birds singing. I was tired but content and I realized; this road I am on is wonderful. I feel blessed. Had you told me I would feel this way, had you told me that even with the ride being up and down and around that I would know it my heart that this was the road best for me I would have thought you crazy.
My life isn't perfect, it isn't always pretty, it doesn't always please the people around me but what it is is the journey best suited for me.
The journeys we impart on are never quite what we ever planned but wow the ride is exhilarating. There are things I wish I could change; things I wish I could understand or have others understand better but what I love the most is this feeling in my heart, in my very soul, that defines this new life.
I miss my daughter K1 so much. That's the part that isn't easy.
I sat on my new deck built by my amazing husband and the puppies were playing and the birds singing. I was tired but content and I realized; this road I am on is wonderful. I feel blessed. Had you told me I would feel this way, had you told me that even with the ride being up and down and around that I would know it my heart that this was the road best for me I would have thought you crazy.
My life isn't perfect, it isn't always pretty, it doesn't always please the people around me but what it is is the journey best suited for me.
The journeys we impart on are never quite what we ever planned but wow the ride is exhilarating. There are things I wish I could change; things I wish I could understand or have others understand better but what I love the most is this feeling in my heart, in my very soul, that defines this new life.
I miss my daughter K1 so much. That's the part that isn't easy.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What's The Rush
"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."
- St. Francis de Sales
So, just another train of thought but what if life turns itself inside out so fast that you lose sight, just for a moment, of the things that matter most. I am such a wreck when I get sick,(see post to follow) and life crumbles around me. It's hard.
I know my heart though, I really think I do and it's time to restate all that makes my life right.
An AWESOME HUSBAND- I can't even begin to tell you how much more I am in love with him. He has been so good to me and when I stumbled these past few weeks he was there every step of the way being the strength I needed because I was to weak to find it in myself.
My KIDS - some know how important they are to me and some still question. There isn't a moment in my life where I am not absolutely filled with love for them, even when I seem to fail so miserably at knowing exactly what to do. I am trying to change things and I know that though they may not understand fully why now, my hope is that they will see the wisdom much like when Mom left me alone while I was emotionally suffering because she knew I had to find the strength in myself to stand up and face the dragons of my so called life back then.
My SISTER! I can't even begin to tell you just how much she means to me. God only gave me one and He saved all that was right with sisters and put it in her. She was gone for most of the summer and I ached to just sit through a lunch with her and discuss the universe.
My BIGGEST brother and his random calls, they always come right at the right time and he inadvertently dispels this wisdom that comes through his genetic soul, he doesn't know it, but he equally fills that Big Brother role to a Tee.
My DAD - he called last week right at the worst time of my illness. I answered the phone and just balled. In his more than ackward way he gave me assurance and listened where upon I promptly apologized because I know how embarrassed he is with the showing of emotion. He expressed great concern and then asked me to come to him and start living in Comox. His way of saying I Love You. Two days later I got a call from my Auntie J. She speaks his emotions, she speaks his concerns, she expressed his concern and love, she's his Aaron.
My Mom - who always lets me know she's with me right when I need her most. LOVE HER SO MUCH STILL.
My Friends - two in particular who crowded a bed for a girls sleep over and while watching old movies, and discussing crappy ex's and new love and hope for new love we laughed.
So as you can see, I am truly blessed. I know my blog can sound somewhat "cup half empty" but never be mistaken, my cup runneth over and I know just how lucky I am.
When I take all these things into consideration, I remember where my inner peace comes from. I am finding it again and guess what.... I can actually walk now without feeling like my kidneys are going to explode and I do it without the aid of opiates.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Inner peace is returning.
- St. Francis de Sales
So, just another train of thought but what if life turns itself inside out so fast that you lose sight, just for a moment, of the things that matter most. I am such a wreck when I get sick,(see post to follow) and life crumbles around me. It's hard.
I know my heart though, I really think I do and it's time to restate all that makes my life right.
An AWESOME HUSBAND- I can't even begin to tell you how much more I am in love with him. He has been so good to me and when I stumbled these past few weeks he was there every step of the way being the strength I needed because I was to weak to find it in myself.
My KIDS - some know how important they are to me and some still question. There isn't a moment in my life where I am not absolutely filled with love for them, even when I seem to fail so miserably at knowing exactly what to do. I am trying to change things and I know that though they may not understand fully why now, my hope is that they will see the wisdom much like when Mom left me alone while I was emotionally suffering because she knew I had to find the strength in myself to stand up and face the dragons of my so called life back then.
My SISTER! I can't even begin to tell you just how much she means to me. God only gave me one and He saved all that was right with sisters and put it in her. She was gone for most of the summer and I ached to just sit through a lunch with her and discuss the universe.
My BIGGEST brother and his random calls, they always come right at the right time and he inadvertently dispels this wisdom that comes through his genetic soul, he doesn't know it, but he equally fills that Big Brother role to a Tee.
My DAD - he called last week right at the worst time of my illness. I answered the phone and just balled. In his more than ackward way he gave me assurance and listened where upon I promptly apologized because I know how embarrassed he is with the showing of emotion. He expressed great concern and then asked me to come to him and start living in Comox. His way of saying I Love You. Two days later I got a call from my Auntie J. She speaks his emotions, she speaks his concerns, she expressed his concern and love, she's his Aaron.
My Mom - who always lets me know she's with me right when I need her most. LOVE HER SO MUCH STILL.
My Friends - two in particular who crowded a bed for a girls sleep over and while watching old movies, and discussing crappy ex's and new love and hope for new love we laughed.
So as you can see, I am truly blessed. I know my blog can sound somewhat "cup half empty" but never be mistaken, my cup runneth over and I know just how lucky I am.
When I take all these things into consideration, I remember where my inner peace comes from. I am finding it again and guess what.... I can actually walk now without feeling like my kidneys are going to explode and I do it without the aid of opiates.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Inner peace is returning.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Gone Too Soon
"Gone Too Soon"
Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
My daughter K lost another friend this weekend. That's the third to die in tragic circumstances. The first, a very unexpected suicide that nearly crushed her, the second, nearly five years later, a drug overdose. The third, the one that has I think been the hardest as she has gone silent is her dance friend that she shared choreography with for three years and to whom her older sister had as an understudy for The Nutcracker. A freak car accident that took the young mother's husband, herself and left a precious 7 week old daughter without parents. Anyway you look at it, you can never find reason in it.....ever.
I have no words to help K to understand this, a suicide of an undiagnosed depression has reason. Not one that makes a ton of sense but still somehow understood. A drug overdose of a young woman heavily addicted for years and offered so many ways to help and yet still dies is sad but conceivable. But for two young lives just started on the journey meant to be filled with JOY to be taken in the blink of an eye. What can I say to make it make sense.... I can't even find sense.
I am doing all that I can to find a way to help, to find purpose. I can't help but think of the families sorrow and the heartache that accompanies lives ended far too soon. Throughout our lives all of us face these same loses. My cousin passed away from a car accident when I was 20. I remember the call, I remember the heartache in my mothers voice, and I remember my heart fracturing at the loss, my first really, of someone somewhat close. My Grandmother and Grandfather died in quick succession after my cousin's death, and a few years later another of my cousins lost her son in a drowning in a backyard pool.
Death stalks our lives. It comes in and out and surrounds us. Sometimes when we read the obituaries we are jilted into pain as we recognize a long lost friend or a school mate. My father said to me recently that what was hardest was when the obituaries are you friends, your lovers, your siblings. That's when you know death is stalking you. That's when you know it is closer than you may want it to be.
My mother taught me a great lesson about death. She made me realize that it is inevitable. That it will come. I can't say she was ready but I can say she went out of her way to make us all ready. A gift I am forever grateful for.
In my deep spiritual understanding that I have faith in, I know Heavenly Father has purpose. I know that whether I will ever know why a young couple on the verge of a great and productive life had to be taken too soon is irrelevant to the suffering of the families of those young people taken before their time.
Right now, I hope my daughter knows I love her, always and forever and admire her grace in mourning.
You're in my heart.
Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
My daughter K lost another friend this weekend. That's the third to die in tragic circumstances. The first, a very unexpected suicide that nearly crushed her, the second, nearly five years later, a drug overdose. The third, the one that has I think been the hardest as she has gone silent is her dance friend that she shared choreography with for three years and to whom her older sister had as an understudy for The Nutcracker. A freak car accident that took the young mother's husband, herself and left a precious 7 week old daughter without parents. Anyway you look at it, you can never find reason in it.....ever.
I have no words to help K to understand this, a suicide of an undiagnosed depression has reason. Not one that makes a ton of sense but still somehow understood. A drug overdose of a young woman heavily addicted for years and offered so many ways to help and yet still dies is sad but conceivable. But for two young lives just started on the journey meant to be filled with JOY to be taken in the blink of an eye. What can I say to make it make sense.... I can't even find sense.
I am doing all that I can to find a way to help, to find purpose. I can't help but think of the families sorrow and the heartache that accompanies lives ended far too soon. Throughout our lives all of us face these same loses. My cousin passed away from a car accident when I was 20. I remember the call, I remember the heartache in my mothers voice, and I remember my heart fracturing at the loss, my first really, of someone somewhat close. My Grandmother and Grandfather died in quick succession after my cousin's death, and a few years later another of my cousins lost her son in a drowning in a backyard pool.
Death stalks our lives. It comes in and out and surrounds us. Sometimes when we read the obituaries we are jilted into pain as we recognize a long lost friend or a school mate. My father said to me recently that what was hardest was when the obituaries are you friends, your lovers, your siblings. That's when you know death is stalking you. That's when you know it is closer than you may want it to be.
My mother taught me a great lesson about death. She made me realize that it is inevitable. That it will come. I can't say she was ready but I can say she went out of her way to make us all ready. A gift I am forever grateful for.
In my deep spiritual understanding that I have faith in, I know Heavenly Father has purpose. I know that whether I will ever know why a young couple on the verge of a great and productive life had to be taken too soon is irrelevant to the suffering of the families of those young people taken before their time.
Right now, I hope my daughter knows I love her, always and forever and admire her grace in mourning.
You're in my heart.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Time for the Gulls
Having an incredibly hard week and wanting desperately for something to give. I cam across this poem by a woman I admire for so many reasons beyond her ability to touch souls with her words. She has given me faith to hang on.
http://mormonstories.org/?p=1091
Time for the Gulls
by Carol Lynn Pearson
Carol Lynn Pearson, “Time for the Gulls,” Carol Lynn Pearson, Time for the Gulls, New Era, Oct. 1976, 50
It’s time, Father,
For the gulls, I think.
My arms shake
From flailing my field.
I sink,
Broken as the little stalks
Beneath their devouring burden.
I yield it all to you,
Who alone can touch all things.
It’s time, Father,
For the gulls.
I will be still,
And listen for their wings.
http://mormonstories.org/?p=1091
Time for the Gulls
by Carol Lynn Pearson
Carol Lynn Pearson, “Time for the Gulls,” Carol Lynn Pearson, Time for the Gulls, New Era, Oct. 1976, 50
It’s time, Father,
For the gulls, I think.
My arms shake
From flailing my field.
I sink,
Broken as the little stalks
Beneath their devouring burden.
I yield it all to you,
Who alone can touch all things.
It’s time, Father,
For the gulls.
I will be still,
And listen for their wings.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Truth and the Defense of IT.
Been struggling through yet another infection and please, I beg your forgiveness for my short temper but something happened today that after hearing it, I went upstairs, cried and realized making a difference is a monumental task.
I have a friend who has struggled with the church. Her story's long and I have covered some of it but I won't go into details. She stopped going to church for a number of reasons but what didn't happen was that we quit being friends. We were able to maintain our friendship because as the social pariahs that we are, it makes it a ton easier unlike most Mormons who have boundary friends (ward boundaries) because heck, we see each other so often, how can you lose touch when you are in the same ward? She had a terrible week and was really struggling. She went to the Single adult conference and had fun. Feeling like she might be missing something she decided to go to sacrament meeting for the first time in quite awhile. I was sick at home so was unaware of her choice.
My doorbell rang and I went to answer the door. There she was, visibly shaken and upset. She then told me of what had happened to her.
She sat next to our other friend at church and near the start of the meeting Brother and Sister Black & White - holier than thou, sat beside them. They were on a center pew. The sacramental bread came by going to my dear friend first, who passed on it and handed it to the Dear brother. She was a bit embarrassed and had no issues with others knowing but felt strongly that not partaking of the sacrament would be best. Then comes the water, this time he gets it first. She reaches to take the tray from him and he then makes a huge scene and WILL NOT LET HER TOUCH THE TRAY. She felt like a leper or a cast off sinner and he made no bones about his refusal to hand her the tray to simply pass the sacrament on. She was devastated. She vowed to never go back.
This brother is not new to judging others. His wife condemned my parenting in Fast and Testimony just a few weeks ago. This is their way. For all of us who have loved S and cared about her, for the many who wish she was with us each Sunday to have her finally come on her own terms and not just to hear one of us speak, or give a lesson was a gift only to be dismissed by the behavior of one arrogant man. He deems himself worthy and strong and feels self proclaimed to a celestial way of being but over and over again he has run amok on the tender feelings of those who struggle with the gospel. His arrogance has caused more than a few of my friends heartache.
Pharisee, Sadducee's. Yup, no doubt. This is the kind of person who makes attendance at church so hard. For him, however, to say he has not walked in another shoes can be no excuse. He had struggles with his own son and was surrounded by compassion and concern and yet offers none in return. It's a sad irony for sure.
We belong to a church that says "Love the sinner and not the sin" and has no follow through. As I mentioned in my previous post, "How can a people of a church be so unChristlike in their behavior and still belong to a church that bears Christ's name." I am sad.
S won't be back for a while, she will still be my good friend and will be surrounded by good people. If only truth were as self evident. If only we could feel the pain that we impose on others by our judgements. Would we be so quick to pronounce fate if we could only understand what doing unto others ultimately meant for ourselves.
What am I on about;
Follow your heart and when you are at church next Sunday, get the heck out of your comfort zone and embrace someone you know is having struggles and is barely there.
I have a friend who has struggled with the church. Her story's long and I have covered some of it but I won't go into details. She stopped going to church for a number of reasons but what didn't happen was that we quit being friends. We were able to maintain our friendship because as the social pariahs that we are, it makes it a ton easier unlike most Mormons who have boundary friends (ward boundaries) because heck, we see each other so often, how can you lose touch when you are in the same ward? She had a terrible week and was really struggling. She went to the Single adult conference and had fun. Feeling like she might be missing something she decided to go to sacrament meeting for the first time in quite awhile. I was sick at home so was unaware of her choice.
My doorbell rang and I went to answer the door. There she was, visibly shaken and upset. She then told me of what had happened to her.
She sat next to our other friend at church and near the start of the meeting Brother and Sister Black & White - holier than thou, sat beside them. They were on a center pew. The sacramental bread came by going to my dear friend first, who passed on it and handed it to the Dear brother. She was a bit embarrassed and had no issues with others knowing but felt strongly that not partaking of the sacrament would be best. Then comes the water, this time he gets it first. She reaches to take the tray from him and he then makes a huge scene and WILL NOT LET HER TOUCH THE TRAY. She felt like a leper or a cast off sinner and he made no bones about his refusal to hand her the tray to simply pass the sacrament on. She was devastated. She vowed to never go back.
This brother is not new to judging others. His wife condemned my parenting in Fast and Testimony just a few weeks ago. This is their way. For all of us who have loved S and cared about her, for the many who wish she was with us each Sunday to have her finally come on her own terms and not just to hear one of us speak, or give a lesson was a gift only to be dismissed by the behavior of one arrogant man. He deems himself worthy and strong and feels self proclaimed to a celestial way of being but over and over again he has run amok on the tender feelings of those who struggle with the gospel. His arrogance has caused more than a few of my friends heartache.
Pharisee, Sadducee's. Yup, no doubt. This is the kind of person who makes attendance at church so hard. For him, however, to say he has not walked in another shoes can be no excuse. He had struggles with his own son and was surrounded by compassion and concern and yet offers none in return. It's a sad irony for sure.
We belong to a church that says "Love the sinner and not the sin" and has no follow through. As I mentioned in my previous post, "How can a people of a church be so unChristlike in their behavior and still belong to a church that bears Christ's name." I am sad.
S won't be back for a while, she will still be my good friend and will be surrounded by good people. If only truth were as self evident. If only we could feel the pain that we impose on others by our judgements. Would we be so quick to pronounce fate if we could only understand what doing unto others ultimately meant for ourselves.
What am I on about;
Follow your heart and when you are at church next Sunday, get the heck out of your comfort zone and embrace someone you know is having struggles and is barely there.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Please Forgive Me
"I know God will not give me anything I cant handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
~ Mother Teresa
UNCLE! A term endearingly used to have my brothers stop beating the tar out of me when we were little and by "beating the tar" out of me I use the term in reference to child's play only. Often the tickling or brow beating would end or Mom would scream "If you are going to fight, take it down stairs so I don't have to hear it!". And thus sibling rivalry would define pecking order and self esteem. Life as the fourth of five kids wasn't easy but it could have been so much worse and for that I am grateful. It was good, in spite of not being perfect.
I ask for patience as I write today. I am in the midst of a pity party due to a severe infection and the passing of kidney stones at the same time. I just got the prescription for antibiotics yesterday and the pain killers are giving me the most awesomest of bizarre nightmares.....can a women really give birth to thousands of babies in a moment, apparently yes in my dreams not to mention scuba diving Siamese cats and bosses who mock from the shoreline.
I had just about had enough this morning, waking up in pain yet again on another Friday off crowded with errands and doctors and all I want to do is just scream and say "Stop the bus, I want to get off". How can I find peace or at least solice for just a moment to recuperate and gain the strength to get back on and continue to ride this incredible journey of mine? What can I do to find tolerance in the intolerable?
Case in point.
Last March we decided to move forward on the cancellation of sealing so W and I can be sealed. We spoke to the Bishop and he gave us some instructions, one of which was to write a letter. Thus the wound was laid open again and the pain resurfaced. The thought process was this, a necessary evil to accomplish a great goal, this would only be temporary. Now 5 months later and two conversations filled with apologies for not doing anything I can't help but feel helpless. I know he's busy; I know I have no right to judge but somehow I feel , I don't know the word, forgotten, trivialized. I thought we would be nearly done by now and yet, as of Sunday, apparently not even started.
Church on Sunday is near impossible. I find myself wondering why the gospel of Jesus Christ is so lost in a church that bears His name. Power struggles and preconceived notions and heartless condemnation is par for the course and yet, within lays a belief that this. for me, is where my truth resides. People in testimony meeting condemning my parenting, stories of grandeur and pecking order mentalities that alienate those who need love the most and I ask why? For that matter, others ask why? Why would you want to be where you are so marginalized, so judged? Why be where you will never measure up?
Work only sees results and even going in when you are so full of pain you can barely stand and feeling helpless in ever finding some measure of respect you persevere because at the end of the day the bills need paid and for you, alone at meeting those bills, losing your job is not an option, not an option at all.
So, as I am overcome with feeling overwhelmed. I lay in bed this morning wishing away my tragic and turmoil filled life and then I remembered the pain of my mother as she struggled with cancer and the fear of leaving us too soon. I remember that in my pity.... selfish pity.... that the pews at my chapel are filled with many silently suffering greater burdens than mine and as much as I may feel my load is too heavy, at least I can ask for help. Maybe not from home teachers or a Bishop but I have great family and friends and for goodness sake, it is after all, just a pity party.
Pain has a way of taking us to the extremes. In the midst of it we become selfish and once cresting through the painful journey we become reflective. I think I am getting to the reflective part.
Lord, grant me the serenity....
~ Mother Teresa
UNCLE! A term endearingly used to have my brothers stop beating the tar out of me when we were little and by "beating the tar" out of me I use the term in reference to child's play only. Often the tickling or brow beating would end or Mom would scream "If you are going to fight, take it down stairs so I don't have to hear it!". And thus sibling rivalry would define pecking order and self esteem. Life as the fourth of five kids wasn't easy but it could have been so much worse and for that I am grateful. It was good, in spite of not being perfect.
I ask for patience as I write today. I am in the midst of a pity party due to a severe infection and the passing of kidney stones at the same time. I just got the prescription for antibiotics yesterday and the pain killers are giving me the most awesomest of bizarre nightmares.....can a women really give birth to thousands of babies in a moment, apparently yes in my dreams not to mention scuba diving Siamese cats and bosses who mock from the shoreline.
I had just about had enough this morning, waking up in pain yet again on another Friday off crowded with errands and doctors and all I want to do is just scream and say "Stop the bus, I want to get off". How can I find peace or at least solice for just a moment to recuperate and gain the strength to get back on and continue to ride this incredible journey of mine? What can I do to find tolerance in the intolerable?
Case in point.
Last March we decided to move forward on the cancellation of sealing so W and I can be sealed. We spoke to the Bishop and he gave us some instructions, one of which was to write a letter. Thus the wound was laid open again and the pain resurfaced. The thought process was this, a necessary evil to accomplish a great goal, this would only be temporary. Now 5 months later and two conversations filled with apologies for not doing anything I can't help but feel helpless. I know he's busy; I know I have no right to judge but somehow I feel , I don't know the word, forgotten, trivialized. I thought we would be nearly done by now and yet, as of Sunday, apparently not even started.
Church on Sunday is near impossible. I find myself wondering why the gospel of Jesus Christ is so lost in a church that bears His name. Power struggles and preconceived notions and heartless condemnation is par for the course and yet, within lays a belief that this. for me, is where my truth resides. People in testimony meeting condemning my parenting, stories of grandeur and pecking order mentalities that alienate those who need love the most and I ask why? For that matter, others ask why? Why would you want to be where you are so marginalized, so judged? Why be where you will never measure up?
Work only sees results and even going in when you are so full of pain you can barely stand and feeling helpless in ever finding some measure of respect you persevere because at the end of the day the bills need paid and for you, alone at meeting those bills, losing your job is not an option, not an option at all.
So, as I am overcome with feeling overwhelmed. I lay in bed this morning wishing away my tragic and turmoil filled life and then I remembered the pain of my mother as she struggled with cancer and the fear of leaving us too soon. I remember that in my pity.... selfish pity.... that the pews at my chapel are filled with many silently suffering greater burdens than mine and as much as I may feel my load is too heavy, at least I can ask for help. Maybe not from home teachers or a Bishop but I have great family and friends and for goodness sake, it is after all, just a pity party.
Pain has a way of taking us to the extremes. In the midst of it we become selfish and once cresting through the painful journey we become reflective. I think I am getting to the reflective part.
Lord, grant me the serenity....
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Amazing Grace
"There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less." ~ Philip Yancey
Time is so precious right now. I have been so busy at work that when I get home I crash and just want to stop thinking. Thus, the lack of posts.
I have had two short vacations in the last few weeks, One to Kelowna to visit a dear old friend and the other to Saskatchewan to camp with my beautiful step daughter. I took advantage of the down time and picked up some books to read. One of the disadvantages of my job is that mental exhaustion can make it difficult to want to read. If you follow my blog you are aware of how much I love to do it so being away from it causes an ache in my soul as I miss the written word and the learning that comes from it. Numbers are wonderful but there were never truly a part of my song. They are forced into it now through work and somehow they are moving words away. I may have to just MAKE THE TIME to read so as to feed my hungry song.
Years ago when I worked for a company called FEKETE I came across some pretty incredible people. The owners of the company and those in leadership positions were some of the finest quality people I have met. They were men who put there families first, who cared deeply about every employee and who had lives outside of the business ambitions. One was heavily involved in the La Larche League which is an organization where people go on missions to care for severely handicapped persons who live in countries where there care is not so self evident by their governments. For 18 months you put yourself into the service of one individual and you become their primary caregiver. Everything, feeding, bathing, all of it. You literally lose yourself in the service of another and it changes you. He would come into my office and he would talk about the experiences and how it moved him, he was a great man. Then there was another who come into my office and would talk about the youth ministry that he ran at his church. I was going through a very difficult separation and divorce and about once or twice a week he would stop by my office and offer advise and concern. He is the one who introduced me to the book I am going to blog about today. Here I was, a low man on the totem pole and these men cared and were the finest examples of what balancing work and philantrophy could be. Even the third president was as equally dedicated to his causes and it was expected at the company to find balance because they understood the nature of our purpose here on earth. They were all truly exceptional people and brought great changes to my life. It was an honor to work there if only to be in their company, even the woman I worked for was a truly outstanding person.
So what am I on about?
As Mom was going through the last stages of her cancer and I was just about to embark on the divorce I was told about a book that might help me. I immediately went and got it and read it cover to cover in about three days. I think the emotions of the time period impeded my understanding that although I thought the book was good it kind of missed touching my heart deeply. I put it on the book shelf and moved on to self improvement with other books.
A few months ago I went out with a couple of dear old friends, one who has found spirituality at another church and she brought up the book. I had read it and liked it but clearly I had missed the meaning of the words. I pulled it out of the bookshelf again and decided, this time, find purpose in the words.
The name of the book? "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey.
I am the kind of person who will reread books. Don't even get me started at how many times I have reread "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Anne of Green Gables" and the all to familiar "B of M". Each time theses books are read, different meanings come from the words and I grow just a bit more.
Rereading this book, however, was fundamental to growing for me. Life changing because the words within it helped me to understand a principle of the Gospel I truly didn't grasp. Grace is a deep and penetrating action that as much as God offers it to us, we too, in the end, must find it in our souls so as to offer it up to others as well.
Case in point.
I was cleaning my office the other day. Emptying files of unnecessary documents and came across my personal file. Within it were travel letters for D to cross the border, a letter from my Dad, one I had written him, K's itinerary for her tour of Europe and her ID documents in case something happened. And then I found an envelope. It had my ex's handwriting on it and I was perplexed. I opened it and found the letter he no doubt had been forced to write by his Bishop so he could get the clearance for his upcoming temple wedding. I was brought back to when I first received it. Three paragraphs long. Forced words without much meaning and I remembered how those words tore me in half, I remember feeling the emptiness the words had and what was so amazing was that I felt none of that as I reread the letter again. What a revelation to me to see that as much as I had ached for so long for some sort of understanding on his behalf to the damage he had done that now, it doesn't matter.... doesn't matter at all.
Grace is about a way of being. God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. The atonement makes that love evident and too not offer forgiveness is to make light of the Savior's sacrifice. As angry as I can be at the past it doesn't change that it happened. If the only thing that can come from it is that we both have dedicated ourselves to a better way of being now then what's left is in the Lord's hands to deal with.
Sure I have wishes. I wish that my reputation didn't have to be so ruined by His words, I wish that going to the Temple didn't have to mean coming across a vengeful and gossiping woman who just can't leave it alone, I wish that he didn't have be so absent from the kids lives because he can't come to terms with what he did but what I do know is that waiting on the wishes to resolve themselves just isn't productive and more than anything, I can't control others, I can only control myself.
I am happy. God has given me the opportunity to be loved in the way we all deserve. I have been able to in turn find the peace that comes from that kind of love and return it. I have my children and they are amazing. They contribute to this world in incredibly wonderful ways and what more can a mother ask. I will find a way to completely purge this past of mine. Dr. W said that it may take up to 7 - 10 years before it's done but I can already feel it. I wish him no ill will.... I wish him understanding because if he could try and understand the kid's hurt he could invite his kids back into his life and he could know just how truly amazing they are. I think I have finally found forgiveness.
The other day, D and I were having a discussion. He is working for the summer before he goes to university and got his first pay check. He immediately went out and spent it on computer monitors. I was disappointed but knew that coming at him with that would be counter productive. We were in the kitchen and I asked a few questions... you know the ones. "Did you leave enough for tithing, what about setting aside some for your mission and we talked. He had also gotten one of those 'credit cards" that come randomly and I knew we had to talk about provident living. We had a discussion about saving and living within our means and words I thought I would never speak were spoken. "One of the good things I got out of my marriage to your father was to live within your means, you have to respect that D and know, you have enough example in your life to know better than to spend more than you make. It was a principle your Dad adhered to and one which is a good example to follow". D nearly feel off his chair. He knew I had taken that example too and was living it.
I know at some point in my life I will be able to have a measurable peaceful conversation with M. That time isn't yet but what I do know is that I am learning the principle of grace. When I see a woman who walks with grace I am so impressed. I hope that someday someone might say of me..."She walks with grace."
Time is so precious right now. I have been so busy at work that when I get home I crash and just want to stop thinking. Thus, the lack of posts.
I have had two short vacations in the last few weeks, One to Kelowna to visit a dear old friend and the other to Saskatchewan to camp with my beautiful step daughter. I took advantage of the down time and picked up some books to read. One of the disadvantages of my job is that mental exhaustion can make it difficult to want to read. If you follow my blog you are aware of how much I love to do it so being away from it causes an ache in my soul as I miss the written word and the learning that comes from it. Numbers are wonderful but there were never truly a part of my song. They are forced into it now through work and somehow they are moving words away. I may have to just MAKE THE TIME to read so as to feed my hungry song.
Years ago when I worked for a company called FEKETE I came across some pretty incredible people. The owners of the company and those in leadership positions were some of the finest quality people I have met. They were men who put there families first, who cared deeply about every employee and who had lives outside of the business ambitions. One was heavily involved in the La Larche League which is an organization where people go on missions to care for severely handicapped persons who live in countries where there care is not so self evident by their governments. For 18 months you put yourself into the service of one individual and you become their primary caregiver. Everything, feeding, bathing, all of it. You literally lose yourself in the service of another and it changes you. He would come into my office and he would talk about the experiences and how it moved him, he was a great man. Then there was another who come into my office and would talk about the youth ministry that he ran at his church. I was going through a very difficult separation and divorce and about once or twice a week he would stop by my office and offer advise and concern. He is the one who introduced me to the book I am going to blog about today. Here I was, a low man on the totem pole and these men cared and were the finest examples of what balancing work and philantrophy could be. Even the third president was as equally dedicated to his causes and it was expected at the company to find balance because they understood the nature of our purpose here on earth. They were all truly exceptional people and brought great changes to my life. It was an honor to work there if only to be in their company, even the woman I worked for was a truly outstanding person.
So what am I on about?
As Mom was going through the last stages of her cancer and I was just about to embark on the divorce I was told about a book that might help me. I immediately went and got it and read it cover to cover in about three days. I think the emotions of the time period impeded my understanding that although I thought the book was good it kind of missed touching my heart deeply. I put it on the book shelf and moved on to self improvement with other books.
A few months ago I went out with a couple of dear old friends, one who has found spirituality at another church and she brought up the book. I had read it and liked it but clearly I had missed the meaning of the words. I pulled it out of the bookshelf again and decided, this time, find purpose in the words.
The name of the book? "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey.
I am the kind of person who will reread books. Don't even get me started at how many times I have reread "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Anne of Green Gables" and the all to familiar "B of M". Each time theses books are read, different meanings come from the words and I grow just a bit more.
Rereading this book, however, was fundamental to growing for me. Life changing because the words within it helped me to understand a principle of the Gospel I truly didn't grasp. Grace is a deep and penetrating action that as much as God offers it to us, we too, in the end, must find it in our souls so as to offer it up to others as well.
Case in point.
I was cleaning my office the other day. Emptying files of unnecessary documents and came across my personal file. Within it were travel letters for D to cross the border, a letter from my Dad, one I had written him, K's itinerary for her tour of Europe and her ID documents in case something happened. And then I found an envelope. It had my ex's handwriting on it and I was perplexed. I opened it and found the letter he no doubt had been forced to write by his Bishop so he could get the clearance for his upcoming temple wedding. I was brought back to when I first received it. Three paragraphs long. Forced words without much meaning and I remembered how those words tore me in half, I remember feeling the emptiness the words had and what was so amazing was that I felt none of that as I reread the letter again. What a revelation to me to see that as much as I had ached for so long for some sort of understanding on his behalf to the damage he had done that now, it doesn't matter.... doesn't matter at all.
Grace is about a way of being. God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. The atonement makes that love evident and too not offer forgiveness is to make light of the Savior's sacrifice. As angry as I can be at the past it doesn't change that it happened. If the only thing that can come from it is that we both have dedicated ourselves to a better way of being now then what's left is in the Lord's hands to deal with.
Sure I have wishes. I wish that my reputation didn't have to be so ruined by His words, I wish that going to the Temple didn't have to mean coming across a vengeful and gossiping woman who just can't leave it alone, I wish that he didn't have be so absent from the kids lives because he can't come to terms with what he did but what I do know is that waiting on the wishes to resolve themselves just isn't productive and more than anything, I can't control others, I can only control myself.
I am happy. God has given me the opportunity to be loved in the way we all deserve. I have been able to in turn find the peace that comes from that kind of love and return it. I have my children and they are amazing. They contribute to this world in incredibly wonderful ways and what more can a mother ask. I will find a way to completely purge this past of mine. Dr. W said that it may take up to 7 - 10 years before it's done but I can already feel it. I wish him no ill will.... I wish him understanding because if he could try and understand the kid's hurt he could invite his kids back into his life and he could know just how truly amazing they are. I think I have finally found forgiveness.
The other day, D and I were having a discussion. He is working for the summer before he goes to university and got his first pay check. He immediately went out and spent it on computer monitors. I was disappointed but knew that coming at him with that would be counter productive. We were in the kitchen and I asked a few questions... you know the ones. "Did you leave enough for tithing, what about setting aside some for your mission and we talked. He had also gotten one of those 'credit cards" that come randomly and I knew we had to talk about provident living. We had a discussion about saving and living within our means and words I thought I would never speak were spoken. "One of the good things I got out of my marriage to your father was to live within your means, you have to respect that D and know, you have enough example in your life to know better than to spend more than you make. It was a principle your Dad adhered to and one which is a good example to follow". D nearly feel off his chair. He knew I had taken that example too and was living it.
I know at some point in my life I will be able to have a measurable peaceful conversation with M. That time isn't yet but what I do know is that I am learning the principle of grace. When I see a woman who walks with grace I am so impressed. I hope that someday someone might say of me..."She walks with grace."