“Living with integrity means:
Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
Asking for what you want and need from others.
Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
~ Barbara De Angelis:
I have found some more of myself! I wasn’t all that aware that there were parts of me still missing but alas, there were, and I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of exhilaration that came to me as this part settled on my soul. It’s like another piece of the fractured picture had found its place in the puzzle of my life and the picture is beginning to be beautiful again and I like it, maybe even love it.
It came in a wave of resolve and very unexpectantly.
Let me explain.
I couldn’t be happier than I am now with my life and my envisioned future. I know there will always be bumps and road blocks but I am not nearly as afraid of them and more importantly I care little about what others and their opinions of me or the way I live my life have; excepting those whose opinions matter in my life. I have finally let it go and because I have when new disappointments come, they seem so much simpler to handle, so much easier to overcome.
There was a time when I was engulfed in anger, frustration, helplessness and sadness and felt I completely out of control. I remember that everything pissed me off back then. Even holding the door open for someone and not receiving a thank you for doing so could spark a nasty under my breath comment and an intense internal rage. I was always looking outward and justified so much of my own unhappiness because of the actions of others around me and there seemed to be nothing that brought me peace, absolutely nothing. I tried; let me tell you, I tried. Scriptures, prayer, meditating, time outs, time away, I did all of it but what was lacking was the paradigm that I needed to discover to find my soul’s peace. I needed a shift of perspective. This would only be realized by looking inward rather than outward.
So, I think I have come to be in tune with my authentic self now. Not just what I think I should be but what I know I should have always been. There is still a bit to work out but for the most part – VERY HAPPY – EXTREMELY HAPPY!
Enjoying the journey is such a revelation to a good life. I can be negative, don’t get me wrong, it happens, but I just try and catch myself and I am accomplishing that earlier and earlier with each new day. My heart is full and settled and trusting again and even further to that, I am unafraid of being hurt because I can know now and believe I can even survive that.
So the AHA moment came when after going through some uncomfortable situations I realized that I had done so unfazed. Rattled a bit but free from the desire for justice or restitution or even vengeance. I kind of laughed because there were moments when the only way I could go through these kind of situations was by being heavily medicated and spending a great deal of time in bed. My soul and my mind are at rest and because they are I seek first to see intent (understanding) and not place judgment as I had always done before.
As many wrongs that there are still in my life, as many injustices that exist, I will not let any of it into my happy life so as to disrupt the JOY I have so often in my heart. It’s a resolve and a conviction to be still, to be settled and to be at peace. Even being around anger and contention is uncomfortable for me. I still need to shed the comparing of the serenity I have at present to that of my past anguish but I compare not out of anger, frustration or pain but as a testament and witness to the healing and movement and love I feel throughout my life.
For 25 years I envied the relationships around me that were working without ever truly understanding that I was in fact allowing a pity party all unto itself. How much blame can you give if you invite the hurt yourself into your life? After finding the boundaries I so desperately needed to build up around me I can now testify to the place of healing you establish for yourself by erecting them. There is joy in the journey waiting to be realized but you must first define that joy for yourself and not seek others to do it for you. This is the universal truth to healing – from anything.
I have said so many thanks to so many people but I have failed to ever truly thank myself. I have found my authenticity because I got off the floor, brushed myself off and opened myself up to the possibilities I never thought possible. I still remain in gratitude to my God, my family, my friends, and mostly to my love; Wayne, but because of the Aha moment, I am now able to express gratitude even unto myself.
So here comes the part of the journey where balance is the essential key. I pray that I can find it fully and give back all that was ever so unselfishly given to me. It’s the principle of “paying it forward” and I am now on a journey of embracing just that!
Wish me luck.
“No man can purchase his virtue too dear; for it is the only thing whose value must ever increase with the price it has cost us. Our integrity in never worth so much as when we have parted with our all to keep it.” ~ OVID
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Foundations of Faith
“If we do not have a deep foundation of faith and a solid testimony of truth, we may have difficulty withstanding the harsh storms and icy winds of adversity which inevitably come to each of us."
Thomas S Monson
I’ve been taking a hard look at myself lately. Not so much to find fault but to seek direction. I feel like a fence sitter watching the world and trying desperately to not offend anyone but still constantly feel like my foot has a permanent place in my mouth. It wasn’t until last night after a visit from my home teachers that I realized how much differently I think.
The lesson was on moral courage; well actually, it was supposed to be on being spiritually prepared, but this is the vein our home teachers went on. Let me start by saying I have, or we have great home teachers. Brother S is from Winnipeg and he represents what is good in the Priesthood and high priests in general. His example has renewed my faith. His partner is Brother I. J hasn’t been to church in nearly 40 years. He comes from a stalwart, strong southern Alberta family. He’s a full tithe payer and considers himself Mormon through and through. Went on a mission, has a great family he just chooses to not go to church. Love him!
Brother S gave a great lesson, very much in keeping with the way he teaches. He comes at the gospel gently and with quiet fortitude. He has struggles and acknowledges them but he is a family man trying to do what is right. Near the end of the lesson, he began to speak of his sister-in-law. She had a number of kids, grown adults with families of their own, who were choosing to leave the church. They had come across Anti-Mormon literature and “fell away”. The family was devastated and scared. He spoke of his counsel to her and his thoughts and as he spoke I doubt he could understand how close this was hitting to home.
As I listened I could hear his concern and his decision to steer clear of all the hype and writings and I knew that for him, this would work. He wasn’t “like and ostrich and sticking his head in the sand”, he was making a choice to steer clear of the controversy. What I love about my home teachers is that they are not afraid of a woman with an opinion. What then ensued was a conversation that went into depth about what we can and can’t or maybe I should say, should or should not do to find courage in the sea of controversy that is welling up when it comes to the history of our church.
As parents, heck, for those matters, as members of the church, we need to be open to the complaints and criticisms being voiced. It used to be a pamphlet here or there. It’s funny; I am still reminded of the time I went into a friends house when I was about 17 and his mother passed us “anti Mormon” literature (pamphlets) trying desperately to not have her son involved in our church. The feeling from those brochures were strong and hateful but these things weren’t prevalent and we only dealt with them from time to time. With the advent of the internet, all you need to do is google Mormon and my gosh, millions of hits come up and whether you want to believe it or not, the majority are negative with a twist. We can’t hide under a rock anymore and more importantly, fighting or spending all our time in a battle against them may not be the right path either.
As a parent, I knew I was in trouble when my oldest daughter phoned me in great distress asking me if it was true that we were all naked in the temple ceremonies. After I stopped laughing and was able to explain that in fact we weren’t I was able to establish where her source was. I knew she had embarked on a journey to discover for herself truth and that this was going to be the first of many conversations I would be having with her. How could I arm myself? It was a tough decision.
If you read my blog you know that I am open to reading and what I came across was a book called “Rough Stone Rolling”. I prayed a lot and was open to conversation, here is the key. I had to show mutual respect in order for this open dialogue to happen, without it, nothing could have been accomplished. I have read so much, been confused so much but through it all I have relied heavenly on prayer and common sense. Being open to the possibility somehow has helped me to pass through this fairly well. I have previously mentioned staylds.com which has been a God send to me, literally.
Guess what, there is a ton of stuff back there that isn’t pretty. When some, I would say near ½ of members find this, their testimonies are shaken – to the core! Not because it was hidden, or because it was inaccessible, because it wasn’t. It has become, through the years, individual opinions that have been taken as truth and clouded or even for that matter changed the outline of our history. Here’s a word I have used before in this blog and you need now, more than ever to be aware of it. Internet Apostacy. It’s real and it is coming to a church bench near you.
I have no great antidotes for this. I know my journey, I know my heart. I have chosen to stay lds. But when I read of the many members who sit in Sunday School class or RS or Priesthood filling a seat feeling virtually tongue tied because others “won’t hear of it” I shudder and wonder, are their kids next?
Here’s the action plan I imposed on myself. As D is preparing for a mission the field has changed dramatically in the last 2 – 3 years. Before, someone serving in North America and Europe had some hope of converting people, now that’s changed. I had a friend get called to France when we were young. He was told that he must have a strong constitution because missionaries serving in France would sometimes never see a baptism and because of that they needed to redefine what success would be for them on a mission. Well, that was one mission, now, that could easily define any mission in a civilized part of the world where access to computers is easy.
It’s not enough for the bar to have been raised although I still have reservations about that. Some of the best missionaries are those who have crossed through the refiner’s fire, have a deep understanding of the atonement, and can empathize with those who are converting and must cross though that same path. I have asked D to have a full and strong testimony, to understand what it is that these investigators are finding and to have a testimony, beyond the faults of our history, so that he can speak to their questions. We openly discuss truth and I couple my testimony, as best as it is, so that he can have a place to understand just how much one must overcome to find the spirit and be baptized. This is no easy road, trust me. A ton of prayer and fasting as gone into this, but we are just on the ebb of this wave. We have only just begun to lose people and without enlightenment, we are lost.
If you refuse to acknowledge the weaknesses of our past you may be that parent facing the heartache of a lost child. Open conversation and understanding is, I believe, the best way to successfully pass through this storm. In the end, you may have to agree to disagree. For my girls and me, we have come to understand that for me, this works, for them, it hasn’t nor will it ever change my love for them. We still openly discuss and I must admit at times I have agreed with them, of the concerns they have but I have asked them that as I have respected their decisions could they please respect mine and it works.
Now, here are some pointers. Never tell them, if they have left, that they will never be happy without the gospel. Not true. They are. Your example of a full and rich life is all that you can offer because you cannot impose your ascribed values of happiness on them anymore. Agree to disagree but militant and unbending opinion on this is futile. They’re happy, really, they are. They have redefined it and bullying them about this will only force them out of your lives.
Read, read, read, read everything you can that is out of the “best” books so that when they ask questions you have answers that you have found for yourself. I am not asking you to go on the anti Mormon websites and research. What I am asking you to do is become informed. You can not speak to truth, or at least what they know to be truth, if all you have is what you have been taught through the years. Much of the history has been left out and knowing it can help if you are prepared for it. If you believe that Joseph Smith was infallible and without fault – don’t go near any of it. If, you can see that he was a prophet who was also a man then do. You need to know to help others, knowledge is always good.
Sources include History of the Church, Rough Stone Rolling, FAIR, BYU archives and other books readily available through LDS bookstores and your chapel library.
Now, I tell you of a story that I saw recently of an adaption of the Odyessy by Homer. In it, Odysseus is speaking to his fellow travelers and is referring to the character of Homer. Homer has travelled with them far and through all the trails and fears; everything, the terrain, the unknown, all of it, he is afraid. He is the scribe for the journey and yet he continues on, recording all of their conquests and adventures, meeting his fears daily. Odysseus speaks to his fellow soldier and reflects on courage. He asks the soldier who has more courage; the soldier who goes to battle once, twice, maybe three times and faces the enemy or Homer, who conquers his fears, daily, hourly. Yes, the foe is much different but it is the fear within and the conquering of it that remains the same. His argument was knowing and understanding that fear is fear. So then, who has more courage or for that matter more practice at facing it? Who then, is more courageous?
I have no authority or expertise to the answers of all the detractors of my faith. I have no desire to argue because I can’t, for the most part, answer their questions. I may never have an abiding faith that unwaivers but what I do have is an unconditional love and knowlege that for me, this works. It may not make sense, it may never make sense but I love the gospel, this I know for sure. Empowering my son and readying him for a hard and difficult mission is essential for him to not just be a good missionary but to know how to weather the incoming storm but in the end, his mission, his activity remains his choice and I remain unconditional in my acceptance of him, whatever his choice.
So what am I on about?
Finding truth in your heart. What you know to be true may be challenged, even shaken, but within it is the love our Savior has for all men. As my beloved W has helped me to understand. The gospel is everywhere, in the scriptures, in the mountains, in our temples. Feeling it is the essential part and above all else, the most intimate part. I can’t force you to feel my love for the gospel; that remains a task for each of us. Even the very definition of ‘Gospel” is an individual concept. That’s what we signed up for. I know there is so much I don’t know, I understand that leaving hard and unanswered questions unanswered in some cases isn’t good enough but what other choice is there. I would rather have no answer than the wrong answer.
And above all else, when all else makes no sense, or there is nothing else just love.
Thomas S Monson
I’ve been taking a hard look at myself lately. Not so much to find fault but to seek direction. I feel like a fence sitter watching the world and trying desperately to not offend anyone but still constantly feel like my foot has a permanent place in my mouth. It wasn’t until last night after a visit from my home teachers that I realized how much differently I think.
The lesson was on moral courage; well actually, it was supposed to be on being spiritually prepared, but this is the vein our home teachers went on. Let me start by saying I have, or we have great home teachers. Brother S is from Winnipeg and he represents what is good in the Priesthood and high priests in general. His example has renewed my faith. His partner is Brother I. J hasn’t been to church in nearly 40 years. He comes from a stalwart, strong southern Alberta family. He’s a full tithe payer and considers himself Mormon through and through. Went on a mission, has a great family he just chooses to not go to church. Love him!
Brother S gave a great lesson, very much in keeping with the way he teaches. He comes at the gospel gently and with quiet fortitude. He has struggles and acknowledges them but he is a family man trying to do what is right. Near the end of the lesson, he began to speak of his sister-in-law. She had a number of kids, grown adults with families of their own, who were choosing to leave the church. They had come across Anti-Mormon literature and “fell away”. The family was devastated and scared. He spoke of his counsel to her and his thoughts and as he spoke I doubt he could understand how close this was hitting to home.
As I listened I could hear his concern and his decision to steer clear of all the hype and writings and I knew that for him, this would work. He wasn’t “like and ostrich and sticking his head in the sand”, he was making a choice to steer clear of the controversy. What I love about my home teachers is that they are not afraid of a woman with an opinion. What then ensued was a conversation that went into depth about what we can and can’t or maybe I should say, should or should not do to find courage in the sea of controversy that is welling up when it comes to the history of our church.
As parents, heck, for those matters, as members of the church, we need to be open to the complaints and criticisms being voiced. It used to be a pamphlet here or there. It’s funny; I am still reminded of the time I went into a friends house when I was about 17 and his mother passed us “anti Mormon” literature (pamphlets) trying desperately to not have her son involved in our church. The feeling from those brochures were strong and hateful but these things weren’t prevalent and we only dealt with them from time to time. With the advent of the internet, all you need to do is google Mormon and my gosh, millions of hits come up and whether you want to believe it or not, the majority are negative with a twist. We can’t hide under a rock anymore and more importantly, fighting or spending all our time in a battle against them may not be the right path either.
As a parent, I knew I was in trouble when my oldest daughter phoned me in great distress asking me if it was true that we were all naked in the temple ceremonies. After I stopped laughing and was able to explain that in fact we weren’t I was able to establish where her source was. I knew she had embarked on a journey to discover for herself truth and that this was going to be the first of many conversations I would be having with her. How could I arm myself? It was a tough decision.
If you read my blog you know that I am open to reading and what I came across was a book called “Rough Stone Rolling”. I prayed a lot and was open to conversation, here is the key. I had to show mutual respect in order for this open dialogue to happen, without it, nothing could have been accomplished. I have read so much, been confused so much but through it all I have relied heavenly on prayer and common sense. Being open to the possibility somehow has helped me to pass through this fairly well. I have previously mentioned staylds.com which has been a God send to me, literally.
Guess what, there is a ton of stuff back there that isn’t pretty. When some, I would say near ½ of members find this, their testimonies are shaken – to the core! Not because it was hidden, or because it was inaccessible, because it wasn’t. It has become, through the years, individual opinions that have been taken as truth and clouded or even for that matter changed the outline of our history. Here’s a word I have used before in this blog and you need now, more than ever to be aware of it. Internet Apostacy. It’s real and it is coming to a church bench near you.
I have no great antidotes for this. I know my journey, I know my heart. I have chosen to stay lds. But when I read of the many members who sit in Sunday School class or RS or Priesthood filling a seat feeling virtually tongue tied because others “won’t hear of it” I shudder and wonder, are their kids next?
Here’s the action plan I imposed on myself. As D is preparing for a mission the field has changed dramatically in the last 2 – 3 years. Before, someone serving in North America and Europe had some hope of converting people, now that’s changed. I had a friend get called to France when we were young. He was told that he must have a strong constitution because missionaries serving in France would sometimes never see a baptism and because of that they needed to redefine what success would be for them on a mission. Well, that was one mission, now, that could easily define any mission in a civilized part of the world where access to computers is easy.
It’s not enough for the bar to have been raised although I still have reservations about that. Some of the best missionaries are those who have crossed through the refiner’s fire, have a deep understanding of the atonement, and can empathize with those who are converting and must cross though that same path. I have asked D to have a full and strong testimony, to understand what it is that these investigators are finding and to have a testimony, beyond the faults of our history, so that he can speak to their questions. We openly discuss truth and I couple my testimony, as best as it is, so that he can have a place to understand just how much one must overcome to find the spirit and be baptized. This is no easy road, trust me. A ton of prayer and fasting as gone into this, but we are just on the ebb of this wave. We have only just begun to lose people and without enlightenment, we are lost.
If you refuse to acknowledge the weaknesses of our past you may be that parent facing the heartache of a lost child. Open conversation and understanding is, I believe, the best way to successfully pass through this storm. In the end, you may have to agree to disagree. For my girls and me, we have come to understand that for me, this works, for them, it hasn’t nor will it ever change my love for them. We still openly discuss and I must admit at times I have agreed with them, of the concerns they have but I have asked them that as I have respected their decisions could they please respect mine and it works.
Now, here are some pointers. Never tell them, if they have left, that they will never be happy without the gospel. Not true. They are. Your example of a full and rich life is all that you can offer because you cannot impose your ascribed values of happiness on them anymore. Agree to disagree but militant and unbending opinion on this is futile. They’re happy, really, they are. They have redefined it and bullying them about this will only force them out of your lives.
Read, read, read, read everything you can that is out of the “best” books so that when they ask questions you have answers that you have found for yourself. I am not asking you to go on the anti Mormon websites and research. What I am asking you to do is become informed. You can not speak to truth, or at least what they know to be truth, if all you have is what you have been taught through the years. Much of the history has been left out and knowing it can help if you are prepared for it. If you believe that Joseph Smith was infallible and without fault – don’t go near any of it. If, you can see that he was a prophet who was also a man then do. You need to know to help others, knowledge is always good.
Sources include History of the Church, Rough Stone Rolling, FAIR, BYU archives and other books readily available through LDS bookstores and your chapel library.
Now, I tell you of a story that I saw recently of an adaption of the Odyessy by Homer. In it, Odysseus is speaking to his fellow travelers and is referring to the character of Homer. Homer has travelled with them far and through all the trails and fears; everything, the terrain, the unknown, all of it, he is afraid. He is the scribe for the journey and yet he continues on, recording all of their conquests and adventures, meeting his fears daily. Odysseus speaks to his fellow soldier and reflects on courage. He asks the soldier who has more courage; the soldier who goes to battle once, twice, maybe three times and faces the enemy or Homer, who conquers his fears, daily, hourly. Yes, the foe is much different but it is the fear within and the conquering of it that remains the same. His argument was knowing and understanding that fear is fear. So then, who has more courage or for that matter more practice at facing it? Who then, is more courageous?
I have no authority or expertise to the answers of all the detractors of my faith. I have no desire to argue because I can’t, for the most part, answer their questions. I may never have an abiding faith that unwaivers but what I do have is an unconditional love and knowlege that for me, this works. It may not make sense, it may never make sense but I love the gospel, this I know for sure. Empowering my son and readying him for a hard and difficult mission is essential for him to not just be a good missionary but to know how to weather the incoming storm but in the end, his mission, his activity remains his choice and I remain unconditional in my acceptance of him, whatever his choice.
So what am I on about?
Finding truth in your heart. What you know to be true may be challenged, even shaken, but within it is the love our Savior has for all men. As my beloved W has helped me to understand. The gospel is everywhere, in the scriptures, in the mountains, in our temples. Feeling it is the essential part and above all else, the most intimate part. I can’t force you to feel my love for the gospel; that remains a task for each of us. Even the very definition of ‘Gospel” is an individual concept. That’s what we signed up for. I know there is so much I don’t know, I understand that leaving hard and unanswered questions unanswered in some cases isn’t good enough but what other choice is there. I would rather have no answer than the wrong answer.
And above all else, when all else makes no sense, or there is nothing else just love.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Hope
"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof." -- Barbara Kingsolver
When I think about all the different directions my life has taken, both expected and unexpected, the constant remains in the learning from the paths my life has taken. Each lesson has given me wisdom and drawn inside me a hope for a future that is fuller.
Living for me now is filled with wonderful. There seems to be an everlasting belief that although it isn’t perfect what it is remains phenomenally better so therefore hope is a constant. Looking at the differences I am drawn not by the people involved in my life but by how much of who I am is different and because of that, very much improved.
One of the first concepts taught to anyone in therapy for anything is that change is self driven. If you don’t like your life then change it. This concept can be taken too many different levels and believe, I have seen that. What it meant for me was a complete transformation of the very way I saw my life. It was a journey well worth embarking on. One now, which I am so grateful for.
Covey describes paradigms in a very real way. He sees the concept of “first seek to understand then to be understood”, as a very real way to improve not only business relationships but all of our interactions. I have learned that by trying to comprehend not only what someone is saying to me but even to understand why they are saying it has really helped me to be more in touch with myself and why I feel the way I do.
Bring forward now all the years of tears and pain and misunderstandings and lay them on a table. Look at them. Do they define you? Do they force you into yet another destructive path? Can you really see why making the past your reasons for choices tomorrow will impede a hopeful and full life. Now, before you think I am saying that you should forget the past, please stop. I am not saying that. What I am trying to say is that by bringing the past forward and having it define how you move forward it will take hope away, it will make you distrust the future and you will fail to take the directions in your life that are meant to be taken because of fear. Placing those fears ahead of you just makes for obstacles that become difficult to overcome.
When I see my future, as aware as I am of all the images that can make for a very unhappy life I simple choose to see hope. Flashbacks can be difficult, similarities can scare the very hell out of you but remember that it is not the same and that if you have truly seen yourself and trust the changes you have made in yourself, the past can be left in the past and you can have a brighter hope for the future. The most interesting concept of this way of living is the way in which others are drawn into to your hope and find hope for themselves.
Each day, for me, is an exercise in trusting that there is a brighter and more hopeful future. I cannot nor will allow my past to strip me of living and enjoying the journey I so love. I would have never guessed that I would be where I am today if you would have asked me where I would be a year or two ago. I see each day as yet another to be grateful for and for having the love I have not just from my new husband but from my healing kids. Everything in life is worth it, everything! Finding hope is the secret.
I was watching the news the other day and they were showing pictures of the destruction in Haiti. Here is a place that most people in the world have given up on. Some have even said it was God’s will that the earthquake hit. I won’t judge it. But then, across the screen came a parade of women and children, covered in soot and dried blood and singing, hymns, and praising God. A felt a tear well up. I was sitting in my family room in front of a big screen TV, covered in a blanket with a bowl of popcorn and I doubt I was as grateful to the Lord as those women and children were at that moment. When we can see all that is good in our lives we can then overcome whatever bad there is.
We believe that hope is a belief in things not seen. I believe it so much more than that for me now. Hope is everything that surrounds me and that in everything that makes life better, always. It is in the eyes of W as he looks into mine and in spite of years of difficulty in our past marriages, it’s the belief that we can be different together. It’s in the quiet of our home when we are all here just enjoying the moments we share and it’s in my friends around me who see the smiles and know, just really know, that happiness has finally found us.
When I think about all the different directions my life has taken, both expected and unexpected, the constant remains in the learning from the paths my life has taken. Each lesson has given me wisdom and drawn inside me a hope for a future that is fuller.
Living for me now is filled with wonderful. There seems to be an everlasting belief that although it isn’t perfect what it is remains phenomenally better so therefore hope is a constant. Looking at the differences I am drawn not by the people involved in my life but by how much of who I am is different and because of that, very much improved.
One of the first concepts taught to anyone in therapy for anything is that change is self driven. If you don’t like your life then change it. This concept can be taken too many different levels and believe, I have seen that. What it meant for me was a complete transformation of the very way I saw my life. It was a journey well worth embarking on. One now, which I am so grateful for.
Covey describes paradigms in a very real way. He sees the concept of “first seek to understand then to be understood”, as a very real way to improve not only business relationships but all of our interactions. I have learned that by trying to comprehend not only what someone is saying to me but even to understand why they are saying it has really helped me to be more in touch with myself and why I feel the way I do.
Bring forward now all the years of tears and pain and misunderstandings and lay them on a table. Look at them. Do they define you? Do they force you into yet another destructive path? Can you really see why making the past your reasons for choices tomorrow will impede a hopeful and full life. Now, before you think I am saying that you should forget the past, please stop. I am not saying that. What I am trying to say is that by bringing the past forward and having it define how you move forward it will take hope away, it will make you distrust the future and you will fail to take the directions in your life that are meant to be taken because of fear. Placing those fears ahead of you just makes for obstacles that become difficult to overcome.
When I see my future, as aware as I am of all the images that can make for a very unhappy life I simple choose to see hope. Flashbacks can be difficult, similarities can scare the very hell out of you but remember that it is not the same and that if you have truly seen yourself and trust the changes you have made in yourself, the past can be left in the past and you can have a brighter hope for the future. The most interesting concept of this way of living is the way in which others are drawn into to your hope and find hope for themselves.
Each day, for me, is an exercise in trusting that there is a brighter and more hopeful future. I cannot nor will allow my past to strip me of living and enjoying the journey I so love. I would have never guessed that I would be where I am today if you would have asked me where I would be a year or two ago. I see each day as yet another to be grateful for and for having the love I have not just from my new husband but from my healing kids. Everything in life is worth it, everything! Finding hope is the secret.
I was watching the news the other day and they were showing pictures of the destruction in Haiti. Here is a place that most people in the world have given up on. Some have even said it was God’s will that the earthquake hit. I won’t judge it. But then, across the screen came a parade of women and children, covered in soot and dried blood and singing, hymns, and praising God. A felt a tear well up. I was sitting in my family room in front of a big screen TV, covered in a blanket with a bowl of popcorn and I doubt I was as grateful to the Lord as those women and children were at that moment. When we can see all that is good in our lives we can then overcome whatever bad there is.
We believe that hope is a belief in things not seen. I believe it so much more than that for me now. Hope is everything that surrounds me and that in everything that makes life better, always. It is in the eyes of W as he looks into mine and in spite of years of difficulty in our past marriages, it’s the belief that we can be different together. It’s in the quiet of our home when we are all here just enjoying the moments we share and it’s in my friends around me who see the smiles and know, just really know, that happiness has finally found us.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
This Much I Know
M. SCOTT PECK:
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
There has been something weighing very heavily on my mind and I questioned whether voicing it here on my blog would be beneficial. I realized a quote I had heard in high school where a teacher said “one voice spoken is 400 in agreement”. It was then that I decided to move forward with this and hope that those who know me will understand.
In these past few years I have genuinely struggled with my testimony. So much so that I truly set out to find out just where I was at and what I wanted out of life. So much of what I believed was based on things I have been taught and truly just accepted. I had prayed to know if the BOM was true and received an answer. I had also prayed about my first marriage and received an answer there as well. Can you now see how my irony has played out?
I decided first to “seek knowledge”. A short sojourn onto the net proved quickly I needed to be careful and unbiased. I went and bought the book “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard Lyman Bushman in the church bookstore as I had heard that it was an excellent source. Wow, I picked it up and didn’t put it down for a number of weeks. It was an incredible read but it brought so many more questions to light.
I had read the “Journal of Discourses” in my 30’s and found it, at best – very confusing. Much of what was in there was far off from what I had been taught and I wondered, is this a resource or not? It was about this time that the “Mormon Doctrine” book was banned as a resource for church curriculum and much of everything else was as well. I was not unlearned. I tackled “Church History” volumes 1 – 7 and found it hard to follow. It was later that I realized it had been complied from a number of different sources. None of the information that I had read was piecing together for my much categorized mind. I was getting more and more confused. Let me state here for the record, I had a strong testimony through all of this. I knew the answer I had received was correct. I continued in my strong belief and relied heavily on the testimony as I was endeavoring to get through a very difficult life.
After finishing “Rough Stone Rolling” I understood now why we were losing so many of our youth and even stalwart generational members as well. The history of the church I was taught in Primary, Sunday school, Young Women’s and Relief Society had major differences to the history found in that book. The differences were not so much inaccuracies but omissions or as the “internet” community calls it; “sanitized history”. I felt let down. I couldn’t understand whether it was done deliberately or just that it was taken out as a matter of controversy. Either way, it felt as if I was not trusted to know the whole truth. Was this going to cause the lose of my faith? That was the question.
I researched even further both on the internet and through church books; the library; steering clear of any information that was slanted to criticism or “anti” attitudes. The more I read, the more I became confused. It was a difficult time.
The most struggles came during the time of my divorce. I began to lose tract of the source of my struggles and my anger seemed to grow. I was confusing what I was angry at and as those who judged became more vocal I lost sight of what the struggle was really all about.
Here steps in great priesthood leaders, great friends, and great advice. A wonderful book called the “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner helped tremendously and an amazing website; http://www.staylds.com helped as well. I was able to see that my struggle was not had alone. I read and learned and reached a point where I understood that what I knew to be true was true for me.
Now, you may assume a lot of things by that last statement. I will not be correcting any of it. I find so many profound and amazing truths in so many places. I am not one of those people who think good ideas can only come from LDS people. I love the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zucker, Deepak Chopra and the Dali Lama. I have read about the ancient aboriginal teachings and Native American beliefs. It’s funny, this bothers some members and yet our 11th Article of Faith states: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.” This article tells me that if we want others to allow us to worship how we wish, we need to respect their worship as well. None of the men I mentioned ask you to follow their faith. They are just general principles of spiritual living. I am better for having read their words.
Here lies the conundrum. Where am I now? The answer is simple – evolving. I am reprogramming my mind to the gospel truths that are found in our scriptures, not the ones profoundly pounded though emotional and yes, spiritual abuse.
I have such a strong testimony of Christ’s endearing love for me and for my place as a daughter of my Heavenly Father’s. I may never fully be able to understand the history of the church and the reasoning behind decisions better left unquestioned. I know for me, Joseph Smith was a prophet who was a man. I have more than I should ever have had, insight into leaders who though they do good can be very different behind closed doors. I have understanding to the principle of “one man’s opinion”.
I am coming to terms within a much broader scope of understanding. I love that nothing is absolute for me anymore. I have my own thoughts and my own beliefs and I feel very comfortable with the testimony I have. I know that there are some who would disagree and feel that maybe I am soft or changing because of outside influences but if I were to have done that, the change would have already happened.
I can’t say that it will always be okay but what I can say is that for me, this works. I have no expectations of anyone around me and to tell you the truth I find the company of those who see life as a kaleidoscope rather than a clear cut vision more appealing to be around.
When I think of the Savior and his life here on earth I am gently reminded of his path in his religion. He was seen as a radical, he didn’t live to the standard rules and he saw things in a much broader way. His beatitudes speak to the change he was trying to facilitate on a religion that defied change because it was went against protocol. How many failed to recognize the Savior because they were so stuck in a mindset unwilling to even see. And again, this is just my opinion; please know that; because I am sure that some of my Jewish friends would whole heartedly disagree with me.
So if I have left you confused as to my stand on my struggles and my testimony then you have joined me. I still remain active and am constantly seeking truth. I am surrounded by numerous opinions, all of which I respect. Choice, above everything is the cornerstone to our lives here. I give homage to those choices all of us make. I refuse to speak to anyone’s judgment and their positioning in heaven. I know from personal experience that there are those whose lives are tied so infinitely to the rules and to the rituals and have little or no concern for the souls surrounding them and yet feel with deep self realization to then proclaim a celestial result and then I meet those that humbly move through life seeing a whole picture, sacrificing and meeting the needs of others and forgo the black and white of religion to aid the grey. Mother Teresa is a case in point. Can we really say, well, I won’t go there, that would be judging.
Here is what I know. I am better in many ways because of my faith and in other ways, at the others hands who took our faith to an extreme and removed choice, I am worse. Because I had both I can say I have known both. The balance has given me a different paradigm. For my daughters, who only experienced the extreme, the choice is not so easy. Being Mormon for them was so hard, so painful, so very difficult and unforgiving. Details best left unwritten have taken them down their path. I have heard every argument, I know the pain of the culture that never forgets and let’s face it, can be cruel. And yet, I am still here. Like I said – evolving. It hasn’t hurt me to the point of leaving.
Someone said to me that I will never be fully healed until I let the religion go. I paused and knew that for her, that was true. Who, in the end, will be condemned? The man whose cruelty nearly destroyed the lives of five people? A social group that taunted and harassed until being at church became a nightmare, or a soul that knew peace would never be found between those walls.
This is where my testimony lies. God is great and only He knows our hearts. I know that for sure, it is my truth. I am His daughter; my divinity gives me strength to endure. I hold to that as I regain my stance in the shadow of a truly inspirational and caring man who, though fully aware of my questions, still finds me spiritual and equal, even if I question.
So I conclude with a quote from Mother Teresa, she sums it up very well.
MOTHER TERESA:
Keep in mind that our community is not composed of those who are already saints, but of those who are trying to become saints. Therefore let us be extremely patient with each other's faults and failures.
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
There has been something weighing very heavily on my mind and I questioned whether voicing it here on my blog would be beneficial. I realized a quote I had heard in high school where a teacher said “one voice spoken is 400 in agreement”. It was then that I decided to move forward with this and hope that those who know me will understand.
In these past few years I have genuinely struggled with my testimony. So much so that I truly set out to find out just where I was at and what I wanted out of life. So much of what I believed was based on things I have been taught and truly just accepted. I had prayed to know if the BOM was true and received an answer. I had also prayed about my first marriage and received an answer there as well. Can you now see how my irony has played out?
I decided first to “seek knowledge”. A short sojourn onto the net proved quickly I needed to be careful and unbiased. I went and bought the book “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard Lyman Bushman in the church bookstore as I had heard that it was an excellent source. Wow, I picked it up and didn’t put it down for a number of weeks. It was an incredible read but it brought so many more questions to light.
I had read the “Journal of Discourses” in my 30’s and found it, at best – very confusing. Much of what was in there was far off from what I had been taught and I wondered, is this a resource or not? It was about this time that the “Mormon Doctrine” book was banned as a resource for church curriculum and much of everything else was as well. I was not unlearned. I tackled “Church History” volumes 1 – 7 and found it hard to follow. It was later that I realized it had been complied from a number of different sources. None of the information that I had read was piecing together for my much categorized mind. I was getting more and more confused. Let me state here for the record, I had a strong testimony through all of this. I knew the answer I had received was correct. I continued in my strong belief and relied heavily on the testimony as I was endeavoring to get through a very difficult life.
After finishing “Rough Stone Rolling” I understood now why we were losing so many of our youth and even stalwart generational members as well. The history of the church I was taught in Primary, Sunday school, Young Women’s and Relief Society had major differences to the history found in that book. The differences were not so much inaccuracies but omissions or as the “internet” community calls it; “sanitized history”. I felt let down. I couldn’t understand whether it was done deliberately or just that it was taken out as a matter of controversy. Either way, it felt as if I was not trusted to know the whole truth. Was this going to cause the lose of my faith? That was the question.
I researched even further both on the internet and through church books; the library; steering clear of any information that was slanted to criticism or “anti” attitudes. The more I read, the more I became confused. It was a difficult time.
The most struggles came during the time of my divorce. I began to lose tract of the source of my struggles and my anger seemed to grow. I was confusing what I was angry at and as those who judged became more vocal I lost sight of what the struggle was really all about.
Here steps in great priesthood leaders, great friends, and great advice. A wonderful book called the “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner helped tremendously and an amazing website; http://www.staylds.com helped as well. I was able to see that my struggle was not had alone. I read and learned and reached a point where I understood that what I knew to be true was true for me.
Now, you may assume a lot of things by that last statement. I will not be correcting any of it. I find so many profound and amazing truths in so many places. I am not one of those people who think good ideas can only come from LDS people. I love the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zucker, Deepak Chopra and the Dali Lama. I have read about the ancient aboriginal teachings and Native American beliefs. It’s funny, this bothers some members and yet our 11th Article of Faith states: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.” This article tells me that if we want others to allow us to worship how we wish, we need to respect their worship as well. None of the men I mentioned ask you to follow their faith. They are just general principles of spiritual living. I am better for having read their words.
Here lies the conundrum. Where am I now? The answer is simple – evolving. I am reprogramming my mind to the gospel truths that are found in our scriptures, not the ones profoundly pounded though emotional and yes, spiritual abuse.
I have such a strong testimony of Christ’s endearing love for me and for my place as a daughter of my Heavenly Father’s. I may never fully be able to understand the history of the church and the reasoning behind decisions better left unquestioned. I know for me, Joseph Smith was a prophet who was a man. I have more than I should ever have had, insight into leaders who though they do good can be very different behind closed doors. I have understanding to the principle of “one man’s opinion”.
I am coming to terms within a much broader scope of understanding. I love that nothing is absolute for me anymore. I have my own thoughts and my own beliefs and I feel very comfortable with the testimony I have. I know that there are some who would disagree and feel that maybe I am soft or changing because of outside influences but if I were to have done that, the change would have already happened.
I can’t say that it will always be okay but what I can say is that for me, this works. I have no expectations of anyone around me and to tell you the truth I find the company of those who see life as a kaleidoscope rather than a clear cut vision more appealing to be around.
When I think of the Savior and his life here on earth I am gently reminded of his path in his religion. He was seen as a radical, he didn’t live to the standard rules and he saw things in a much broader way. His beatitudes speak to the change he was trying to facilitate on a religion that defied change because it was went against protocol. How many failed to recognize the Savior because they were so stuck in a mindset unwilling to even see. And again, this is just my opinion; please know that; because I am sure that some of my Jewish friends would whole heartedly disagree with me.
So if I have left you confused as to my stand on my struggles and my testimony then you have joined me. I still remain active and am constantly seeking truth. I am surrounded by numerous opinions, all of which I respect. Choice, above everything is the cornerstone to our lives here. I give homage to those choices all of us make. I refuse to speak to anyone’s judgment and their positioning in heaven. I know from personal experience that there are those whose lives are tied so infinitely to the rules and to the rituals and have little or no concern for the souls surrounding them and yet feel with deep self realization to then proclaim a celestial result and then I meet those that humbly move through life seeing a whole picture, sacrificing and meeting the needs of others and forgo the black and white of religion to aid the grey. Mother Teresa is a case in point. Can we really say, well, I won’t go there, that would be judging.
Here is what I know. I am better in many ways because of my faith and in other ways, at the others hands who took our faith to an extreme and removed choice, I am worse. Because I had both I can say I have known both. The balance has given me a different paradigm. For my daughters, who only experienced the extreme, the choice is not so easy. Being Mormon for them was so hard, so painful, so very difficult and unforgiving. Details best left unwritten have taken them down their path. I have heard every argument, I know the pain of the culture that never forgets and let’s face it, can be cruel. And yet, I am still here. Like I said – evolving. It hasn’t hurt me to the point of leaving.
Someone said to me that I will never be fully healed until I let the religion go. I paused and knew that for her, that was true. Who, in the end, will be condemned? The man whose cruelty nearly destroyed the lives of five people? A social group that taunted and harassed until being at church became a nightmare, or a soul that knew peace would never be found between those walls.
This is where my testimony lies. God is great and only He knows our hearts. I know that for sure, it is my truth. I am His daughter; my divinity gives me strength to endure. I hold to that as I regain my stance in the shadow of a truly inspirational and caring man who, though fully aware of my questions, still finds me spiritual and equal, even if I question.
So I conclude with a quote from Mother Teresa, she sums it up very well.
MOTHER TERESA:
Keep in mind that our community is not composed of those who are already saints, but of those who are trying to become saints. Therefore let us be extremely patient with each other's faults and failures.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Yopoppa
When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I thought I might introduce the “Yopoppa” of this equation. I read over the past entries and I can see where I started referencing him in sly and unique ways and then when I finally admitted he existed he had already been very much a part of my life for some time. It’s time to give credit where credit is due and to just be a bit more upfront – but never be that tell tale “oh my gosh my life is so wonderful” kind of person because then you all would think I had lost my mind. LOL
The big Yopoppa came into my life like a wave on a quiet and beautiful beach, like Lani Kai, on the North Shore of Ohua, for all my friends that I have directed there. Slow, easy and calm. He just kept making his presence known and was gentle. Sure, he would shock me with some stuff, surprise me, but nothing was ever too hard to handle.
I remember once, I got scared a bit by something he had said but by that time we had developed the kind of relationship where if we didn’t quite understand we could simply ask for clarification. I was scared a lot of the time, thankful so much more of the time and grateful that he had this incredible amount of patience. I had heard it said once that when a person comes out of a bad relationship and hasn’t addressed their own issues they bring all the bad karma into the new one. Even though there is so much behind me it seems with Wayne he gets it. We both knew the mistakes we made and freely addressed them. It has made an enormous difference.
At the beginning the hardest thing to get used to was that he heard me. He listened so well and I would constantly find myself so amazed. Once, he came up for a singles conference and I didn’t want him to feel obligated to keep me company the whole time. I encouraged him to dance with all the women and before I knew it, he had gone to town by doing just that. I was lucky to get a dance in and when I finally did, he told me his feet were aching. We walked over to the table and another woman asked him to dance. He got up and went – he couldn’t hurt her feelings. Trust me when I say, he did exactly what I asked him to do. How could you fault him for that? It was crazy. He actually heard me. What a profound concept.
There was this time when he tried to tell me he loved me for the first time. I was so worried at the speed in which the relationship was going and I knew I couldn’t say it back yet so when he started to speak; I put my hands to his lips and motioned for him to stop. I said that saying those words would take our relationship to a higher level and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. He looked at me with his kind eyes and said he understood. As I left that night he looked with a gaze that melted me. I asked what he was thinking. “I’m thinking those three words you won’t let me say.” Now, how unfair was that! I think he won my heart with that one. He definitely had me for sure.
We never really talked marriage for some time – at least in the Mormon time frame anyway. I was in Lethbridge one weekend and out of just about no where he got down on his knee. Yikes, I almost had a heart attack and I asked him, with great trepidation to please get up, “no, don’t you dare do that to me!” He was put off I think, maybe worried that I didn’t want that ever. I reassured him it was a timing thing and then it became a joke. He would go down to tie his shoe. “S – Will you ………. Make dinner for me tomorrow?” “S – Will you………. Get me a rag over there?” He started to do it in front of my friends too. He did it a lot. It got to be quite the joke and it was always in such good humor. That’s when I started to realize just how much laughter had returned to my life.
The one and most important part of this equation is the kids. I don’t think my kids ever thought this kind of thing would happen to me. I think Mom was always going to be just Mom so I knew that before anything concrete could happen we needed the S team on board. They made rumblings very early on, they started testing very quickly and through it all, he just met their challenges. My kids too, soon were laughing. W has never wanted to replace anyone; he just wanted to be accepted. His patience won out. Eventually the kids could see just how happy he was making me.
As a side note – I am totally underplaying the drama here. This time in the process was hard. Past stuff came up, hard feelings were expressed and time limits and extensions were put into play. I really was trying to please everyone. This was tough, no other way to put it. Always is, always will be. Finding someone new is great for you, but it represents a final and definite end for your kids. It’s hard on them. I have no great insight to how to do this; I have yet to meet anyone who has had an easy time of it. Just realize the journey is difficult time and move forward knowing that everything eventually works out when everyone’s feelings are at least considered.
In late Sept, while I was in Lethbridge with our chaperone S, I started to realize that time wasn’t going to change what was left to fix. W and I were exceptionally happy. We had expressed in real words our love for each other and knew that eventually we would be getting married. Time wasn’t a friend for us in this case. I think W sensed it; he was all excited and had a special place he wanted to go. Let’s just say it was unexpected and while he knelt and soaked his knee in the water I just knew, this time I could answer, I could say yes.
The next few months were a blur. There is a part of me that would love to explain everything but I am not going to do that. Those who know us know that the only decision that was possible was made and they will be there to support us next Jan too.
What’s different now about my life now? Let’s see. I have experienced what I knew was always possible. This give and take is so wonderful. Who would have ever known how much I love to cuddle. You’d be surprised what kindness can do to a person. The man hears me and he’s not afraid of the strength I have nor does he ever expect me to be any different than I am. He loves me for who I am and as we go through the days, though there are bumps, because we have respect for each other we listen and talk, oh do we talk. Even as insecure as I can be, even when I question the very foundation of our thinking, he hears and advises and most importantly, he never judges. I love how open minded he is. I love that he learns from his past mistakes and did I tell you how much I love about how kind he is.
His daughter said, on our first meeting, “has he gotten mad yet”? Well, at the time he hadn’t yet. She said – “you can tell he’s mad because his ears go red”. I laughed and thought about the irony of that. Anger is something I am familiar with. I have learned to handle mine but there were times, let me tell you, when it was very scary. The first time Wayne got upset – I could tell right away that he was. We spoke to each other and addressed it and then it was done. Go figure, an argument that lasts 15 minutes. I was so stunned that when I talked to a friend who works in social services about it, she laughed and asked if I knew how long the “average” argument in a marriage lasted. I said I didn’t know; she said “15-20 minutes”. Wow, I am average now.
People say all the time “Oh, S you look so happy”. They have been saying it for some time, before I even met W. Now they comment that it is all over my face. I have never been this content in my life. I have so many things to be grateful for, so many but mostly I am grateful for change and for being open too it. W wasn’t at all what I expected, he wasn’t near what I thought I wanted, but he is everything I ever need. He completes the part of me and tells me the song I always knew was possible is finally being sung.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Major Epiphany Moment!
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~ Frederick Keonig
Okay – so; I had a huge, and by that I mean gigantic epiphany. My Monday was bad, really bad. It was so bad that I haven’t had one like that in a long time. Every insecurity, every ridiculous and absurd craziness came seeping back. I could feel it and I was mustering all I had to finally find the strength to just stand up and breathe.
Life is full of chaos. Some you control. Some is completely out of control and some of it just forces itself into your life. I have paid enough in therapy to know the differences but try as I might there is just some stuff, that if you ignore it, will haunt you and destroy your movement forward. I have learned to recognize the difference and accept the dysfunction this chaos can bring in. I can’t control others nor would I ever want to for very obvious reasons but the reality is, everyone doesn’t see the world the way you do and because they it doesn't give reason to call it wrong.
So let me explain.
My family is facing a crisis. My father is 82 years old and has tried to help with what is a helpless situation. No details but I honor his effort and there comes a time when you just have to recognize that as much as you don’t want to, you have to confront the dysfunction forced into an already crisis burdened life and deal. How much do you let in, how far do you invest your time, your resources, and your efforts when you could simply turn your back and walk away? You have no justifiable responsibility – maybe just a moral one. Do you walk away or help? That’s the question.
I doubt I can ever understand serious mental health issues like bipolar disorder or manic depression but turning your back on family for some just isn’t an option. Meet my Dad; the man least equipped to do so. Meet a family at wits end who are unwilling to investigate options and drop the ball out of frustration. Meet the ecclesiastical leaders who are facing a crisis of a LDS social services overburdened both in time and resources and you have the fuse to a family crisis.
Who steps to the plate when the one who initially did is cracking? Let’s face it, at 82, should he even had to? I want so much to not judge this, and trust me, I have already have but that doesn’t solve this crisis. For those who think emotionally and to whom promised the women who gave them life, that they would care for the man she loved, we rethink this whole situation and try to put an effort forth. And then, what of the one whose distance is preventing a hand, what do they do? This sucks on all levels and what’s hard is that we aren’t the only family facing this kind of crisis. We aren’t the only family fracturing because of this.
You want to talk about enabling, ah huh, I’ve voiced that. You want to talk about disappointment, voiced that too. What I mostly want to voice is that stress kills and who in their right mind would ever invite themselves into the middle of it? Who?
So Monday got overwhelming as the siren went out. In my expression of disappointments I was attacked in one of the cruelest irony’s I have had to face. It hit at the very nerve of my healing and it dropped me to the floor. I won’t even credit it with detailed mention but wow, harsh – really harsh. You think you know how someone feels and then their true feelings surface in a crisis, really, that intimate of a connection and really, that low of a blow.
There was a big difference this time however. W’s kind heart gave me something I have never, ever, ever felt before, a husband’s support. His preotective nature came into play. He addressed the attack and wow, now I know why I feel so safe. But here’s the epiphany, the big deal. As much as the attack hurt, as much as I dropped, it was not very long before I realized that even though this person is close to all the pain our family faced. As much as his attack was personal and so out of context. It didn’t matter. It was his opinion. If he feels that strongly about what I said, that what I expressed was wrong, isn't a crime. He has every right to interpret it any way he chooses. It is, above everything else, just his opinion. In the grand scale of things, his own weakness to deal with. It was my job to now get to dealing with my own weakness and to stop being so concerned about my truth being heard or for that matter, even cared about. Even from close family members.
And just as a side note here, expressing disappointment is not abandoning support. Take a look. My life is about listening and following priesthood leaders. Because of trusting their kindness and their guidance and their spiritual direction I have been able to get this far along in this amazing journey that I am on. Weakness is seen in the words that are used in an attack. I can’t personalize nor own your words as they simply are just your opinion. I know my truth, I know my strengths and having your words wound me is simply not the way I chose to go.
I am 6 years into healing, more if you count the 5 before in family therapy. This chapter of my life is done! I have moved on, the ex has moved on, the kids have moved on and it is OVER! If others, whoever they are, want to judge the rest of my life by the circumstances that really, are the business of only those involved, then so be it. I can no longer consume myself with waiting for the truth to set my family free. We already are.
How do I do that? By realizing all of the right that is in my life. By ignoring the inaccurate interpretation and judgment and find ways to express all that is exceptional. Instead of being frustrated by a cultural social ladder that has me on the bottom rung, simply just create the terms that says there’s no ladder in the first place and find like minded people. Ignore inaccurate interpretation and simply life, laugh and love and by all means ENJOY THE JOURNEY.
I have been so blessed. I could list it all but that would be tantamount to bragging. God has smiled on me and I would be selfish to not acknowledge his hand. To turn my back on helping others in distress or need is inviting Karma to bit me in the ***. My Dad needs my help, bottom line.
Dad, you are such an honorable man. I may disagree with your methods but I do honor your motive. It’s an honor to be called your daughter. We can surmount any burden united as a family. It doesn’t have to be all of us, not even the ones who should be carrying the burden in the first place, but this is doable. It’s time for you to enjoy 82 and hopefully a lot more 80/90 and 100 some-things after that.
And to the person with the hurtful words, thank-you. You made me realize the strength I had in me all the time and my hope is, that some day, you will be able to see that strength in me too.
~ Frederick Keonig
Okay – so; I had a huge, and by that I mean gigantic epiphany. My Monday was bad, really bad. It was so bad that I haven’t had one like that in a long time. Every insecurity, every ridiculous and absurd craziness came seeping back. I could feel it and I was mustering all I had to finally find the strength to just stand up and breathe.
Life is full of chaos. Some you control. Some is completely out of control and some of it just forces itself into your life. I have paid enough in therapy to know the differences but try as I might there is just some stuff, that if you ignore it, will haunt you and destroy your movement forward. I have learned to recognize the difference and accept the dysfunction this chaos can bring in. I can’t control others nor would I ever want to for very obvious reasons but the reality is, everyone doesn’t see the world the way you do and because they it doesn't give reason to call it wrong.
So let me explain.
My family is facing a crisis. My father is 82 years old and has tried to help with what is a helpless situation. No details but I honor his effort and there comes a time when you just have to recognize that as much as you don’t want to, you have to confront the dysfunction forced into an already crisis burdened life and deal. How much do you let in, how far do you invest your time, your resources, and your efforts when you could simply turn your back and walk away? You have no justifiable responsibility – maybe just a moral one. Do you walk away or help? That’s the question.
I doubt I can ever understand serious mental health issues like bipolar disorder or manic depression but turning your back on family for some just isn’t an option. Meet my Dad; the man least equipped to do so. Meet a family at wits end who are unwilling to investigate options and drop the ball out of frustration. Meet the ecclesiastical leaders who are facing a crisis of a LDS social services overburdened both in time and resources and you have the fuse to a family crisis.
Who steps to the plate when the one who initially did is cracking? Let’s face it, at 82, should he even had to? I want so much to not judge this, and trust me, I have already have but that doesn’t solve this crisis. For those who think emotionally and to whom promised the women who gave them life, that they would care for the man she loved, we rethink this whole situation and try to put an effort forth. And then, what of the one whose distance is preventing a hand, what do they do? This sucks on all levels and what’s hard is that we aren’t the only family facing this kind of crisis. We aren’t the only family fracturing because of this.
You want to talk about enabling, ah huh, I’ve voiced that. You want to talk about disappointment, voiced that too. What I mostly want to voice is that stress kills and who in their right mind would ever invite themselves into the middle of it? Who?
So Monday got overwhelming as the siren went out. In my expression of disappointments I was attacked in one of the cruelest irony’s I have had to face. It hit at the very nerve of my healing and it dropped me to the floor. I won’t even credit it with detailed mention but wow, harsh – really harsh. You think you know how someone feels and then their true feelings surface in a crisis, really, that intimate of a connection and really, that low of a blow.
There was a big difference this time however. W’s kind heart gave me something I have never, ever, ever felt before, a husband’s support. His preotective nature came into play. He addressed the attack and wow, now I know why I feel so safe. But here’s the epiphany, the big deal. As much as the attack hurt, as much as I dropped, it was not very long before I realized that even though this person is close to all the pain our family faced. As much as his attack was personal and so out of context. It didn’t matter. It was his opinion. If he feels that strongly about what I said, that what I expressed was wrong, isn't a crime. He has every right to interpret it any way he chooses. It is, above everything else, just his opinion. In the grand scale of things, his own weakness to deal with. It was my job to now get to dealing with my own weakness and to stop being so concerned about my truth being heard or for that matter, even cared about. Even from close family members.
And just as a side note here, expressing disappointment is not abandoning support. Take a look. My life is about listening and following priesthood leaders. Because of trusting their kindness and their guidance and their spiritual direction I have been able to get this far along in this amazing journey that I am on. Weakness is seen in the words that are used in an attack. I can’t personalize nor own your words as they simply are just your opinion. I know my truth, I know my strengths and having your words wound me is simply not the way I chose to go.
I am 6 years into healing, more if you count the 5 before in family therapy. This chapter of my life is done! I have moved on, the ex has moved on, the kids have moved on and it is OVER! If others, whoever they are, want to judge the rest of my life by the circumstances that really, are the business of only those involved, then so be it. I can no longer consume myself with waiting for the truth to set my family free. We already are.
How do I do that? By realizing all of the right that is in my life. By ignoring the inaccurate interpretation and judgment and find ways to express all that is exceptional. Instead of being frustrated by a cultural social ladder that has me on the bottom rung, simply just create the terms that says there’s no ladder in the first place and find like minded people. Ignore inaccurate interpretation and simply life, laugh and love and by all means ENJOY THE JOURNEY.
I have been so blessed. I could list it all but that would be tantamount to bragging. God has smiled on me and I would be selfish to not acknowledge his hand. To turn my back on helping others in distress or need is inviting Karma to bit me in the ***. My Dad needs my help, bottom line.
Dad, you are such an honorable man. I may disagree with your methods but I do honor your motive. It’s an honor to be called your daughter. We can surmount any burden united as a family. It doesn’t have to be all of us, not even the ones who should be carrying the burden in the first place, but this is doable. It’s time for you to enjoy 82 and hopefully a lot more 80/90 and 100 some-things after that.
And to the person with the hurtful words, thank-you. You made me realize the strength I had in me all the time and my hope is, that some day, you will be able to see that strength in me too.