There's a Storm A Brewing!

So, lessons come from so many sources. Sometimes they are there, sitting in front of you and you don't have to do that much because you are smart enough to see the writing on the wall. Other times, you ignore all the warning signs and BAMB, you're hit and you make your way through it. Either way, looking at these important times and gleaning from them the lessons that help you grow are the building blocks to a better you and so worth the trouble of wading through them. Case in point.

Yesterday morning in Lethbridge was pretty stellar. A bit cold but a beautiful open blue and someone clouded  Alberta sky and a journey of getting the "BIG STUFF' of W's up to Calgary. We took our time and finally hit the road at around 11:00 a.m. W had some walkies talkies and we chatted back and forth as we headed up the Highway 2.

Now, in my life and especially in the last year I have driven this road enumerable times. I know it like the back of my hand and I reverence it as it has taken the lives of some friends and I know that you can't take anything for granted, especially the presence of the most honored RCMP. My driver's record can attest to that.

The sky as you are driving this beautiful highway is most of the time; open and glorious all the way east to where ever the horizon meets the plains and to the west where it intersects with the mighty Rockies. The one thing this immense sky does do very well is warn. It reveals with no hesitation the weather you will either be heading in to or out of and blizzards can come at you at a mind bending pace. I have seen thunder clouds and bowls the tower majestically almost seemingly to reach heaven. I've seen the configuration of a mighty snow squall as it leisurely meandered towards me. I have seen a bright and open blue that can last forever and speaks to a beautiful week ahead but this day, a menacing spring snow/rain storm was tracking us northward and knowing it's proximity and speed towards us wasn't easy to detect.

We travelled northward and as we passed through Claresholm, the call of "Chicken" wasn't loud enough for us to stop so we didn't. Back and forth the walkies talkies squealed and as we came closer to Nanton one of those moments hit for me. The one that says, "a spontaneous change of plans is always good for any relationship!" Yup, "hey W, how about we check out some of those Antique stores?" And then, one of the many reasons I love that man so much; "sure, sounds like fun, I've always wanted to do that!"

2 hours later and a brooch in hand, we came out of the third store and saw The Wild Thyme Cafe. Well, who wouldn't have wanted to give that a go. BTW - absolutely one of the best meals we have ever had. When we came out of the cafe we soon realized that the storm that was tracking us was getting very close so off we went. Just over and hour later we arrived at home just as the girls were getting there. We quickly unpacked the truck and before W could even park the truck a spring blizzard began. Our timing was impeccable, by shear luck I might add!

You know, I have a real belief in the songs we carry in our hearts for places, things and people. Having W move the last of his things into the house is making this place a home. Even though we never knew something was missing, with him here, its feels like we found it without ever knowing it was needed. Driving through the prairies down that road I have travelling so many times you can't even count, it's a part of my song too. It means so many things, the road to the temple, the highway to my W, the beauty of a land I live and breath so much of. It's a home that really lives within you. I am so grateful for it.

I have so much in my life to be thankful for. Even a spring blizzard can be frustrating when all you really would love is for spring to come but the truth is, Spring always does and with it comes the expectation of rebirth and renewal. I really do feel like I am in the spring of my life. A bit late due to some foreseen circumstances but Spring is finally here and I am loving it!

Oh, and what am I on about as far as this post.

With the Alberta sky's being able to warn us, even that didn't stop us from having a spontaneous moment to check out the antique stores and do lunch. I think we had an instinctual gauge that we knew just how much time we had before it was going to get difficult. We cut it close. Now, there are some who say, getting close is playing with fire and I agree to some extent but in this case, both W and I have experience and we could guess our limits. We were lucky and fate smiled on us but even if we had misjudged, driving in a snow storm isn't the end of the world especially with two walkies talkies and a whole lot of experience in driving through snow. As dark and foreboding as the snowstorm looked, we knew, if worse came to worse, High River would be a great place for a pit stop. We had our first kiss in that great town!

It's Just That Simple

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." ~ Melody Beattie

I so love aha moments! What I am finding is that as I am more emotionally connected and living to just enjoy the journey my heart and mind is open and I am finding solace in my own beliefs without judgement of others. It doesn't mean that you could ever define me as Molly but for sure you would find that I no longer resent nor find any kind of emotion in the "Molly" way of living anymore. This came to me as I was driving down to Lethbridge to spend some time with my W and finish getting the rest of his stuff up to Calgary.

I got a new car, which, by the way, I love. It came with XM radio and I just happened to find the "Rosie O'Donnell" show. She had a weird guest on, of all people, Mike Huckabee, the Governor of Arkansas and a devout evangelical Christian. She had called him up because she had heard an interview that he had had with a gay rights activist wherein he had said that homosexuals should not be given the right to adopt and he was going to make that a law in his state, or at least try to. Now, please, don't even get me started on this argument, I think I would get called into the Bishop's office but what I listened to for about an hour was one of the most engaging, honest and respectful discussion by two people are polar opposite ends of the equation. For the first time I felt that where I came from, what I truly believed about the world and how if people could just understand the concept of acceptance, we really could have a better world and who would have ever thought that Mike Huckabee and Rosie O'Donnell would be, for me, endearing examples.

Rosie didn't let up and yet she heard and accepted Mike's assertions about his choices, his beliefs. She gave him the respect of listening and allowing him to further explain his position and then, because she did, and because he understood she did, she was able to then give her point a view. In the end, they agreed to disagree. GO FIGURE! This world has so many different opinions and for MEN, because it is the men to go to war because one group of people disagree is LUDICROUS!

Come on, do you really need to put a death sentence on someone because they depict a certain thing and for that matter, is it really necessary to push the buttons to insight anger? Think of how many people that have walked away from organised religion because of few of the overzealous hyper religious ones that speak louder and profess to represent a religion, most religions, that are generally just peaceful, accepting places to worship. Does Obama Bin Landen speak for all Muslims, does Warren Jeffs represent all Mormons and really, can those depictable Catholic Priests really be representative all the Catholic Church? Maybe, if we were to see the bigger picture and try to understand what is that GOD intended for us here on earth we could find a way to be peaceful and non judgemental.

Here's a quote I like;

"There is something that has been the quest of every civilization on the face of this earth. The thirst for peace. The thirst for peace lies within you, and peace is also within you. Begin with yourself. Begin with respecting what today means to you, instead of trading it for tomorrow. What does this moment that you are alive mean to you? Your life is like a necklace—one moment, another moment, another moment, another moment." ~ Prem Rawat (Maharaji)

It wasn't until I stopped trying to find answers everywhere else and truly looked within that i could come to a resolution in my life. I make no expectation of anyone but myself. Oh, for sure, I get frustrated and sometime life overwhelms me but when I lay my issues on my soul I become self-perspective and find the anwsers there with the help of my God and those that I trust in my life who are honest enough to speak truth. In the end, peace is found.

So what am I on about.

It really is that simple. Change yourself. Find yourself and once you do, everything else seems to fall into place. Never lose the gratitude for the journey. As our most revered Prophet said;

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." Thomas Monson

I was at conference when President Monson said this. These very words altered my entire life. It changes me from being a victim to being an advocate. I am today because of these words. I have such a strong testimony of finding yourself, measuring the world as you are in it from a personal and accepting point of view and by truly living and breathing the JOY of the journey. If you do this, you will begin a process of peace that will reside within the walls of your very home and then permeate outwards. Peace will never come from world leaders sitting at a round table defending points of view, but it will begin with each of us finding the basic goodness within all of us and respecting each other, no matter what differences we have.

Defying Gravity

“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”
-- Emmanuel Teney

Just over a month ago I got a call from one of the councilors in the Bishopric. He wanted to meet with me to give me a new calling. My heart sunk. Since the divorce I had been left to either teach primary or was left in a silent and non traditional calling like Single Adult Rep. Wow, it was a leisure cruise but left me unchallenged accepting that I was coming to terms with my feelings about the church and putting the chaos of my life back into order. I needed the break and it was a good thing. It gave me a reprieve during a time I most needed it.

My new calling – RS teacher. UGH!!!! I shuddered because the last thing I wanted to do was teach a room full of women who I had felt so judged by. I didn’t have any desire to speak to topics I still didn’t think I fully understood or could testify to. I struggled for so many other reasons but felt that if this was what they wanted me to do, if this was what the Lord felt I needed to do, then I would do it. Some circumstances happened where I questioned the calling and the RS presidency came to my home and orientated me. WOW, did I ever say how much I love the RS president. She is not only a friend but a mentor and her heart is so pure and open and yet her emotions have been guarded as her struggles may be a greater burden than you or I can even imagine.

A.H. left a little poster that she felt best described her feelings of the need for my teaching in Relief Society. It’s picture of a little devil with the whole pitch fork and everything, tail and all. Below the image reads the caption. “BE THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT WHEN YOUR WAKE AND YOUR FEET HIT THE FLOOR IN THE MORING, SATAN SHUDDERS AND SAYS, **** SHE’S AWAKE. I laughed so hard and then A and T told me to speak up, say how I feel, and by all means, add my two cents worth. She explained of all those suffering in silence, feeling so alone and so few women are willing to see their mistakes realistically through the cloud of perfection so infused by our culture. Women need to acknowledge mistakes correctly and then spend the time addressing them to create a better life. I never felt I had ever done that. I never felt that what I would have to say would be important to anyone. I mean, I’ve been blogging for almost two years and though I know I have followers and have had many messages of hope and understanding I never felt my words would matter to very many in any kind of life span.

I began preparing the lesson soon after and my first assignment was on the Holy Ghost. Wow, perfect topic for my entrance into teaching again. I have such a profound testimony of the HG’s involvement into bettering our lives and feel with all my heart that by abiding in the promptings of the HG we can find such great ways to avoid unnecessary pitfalls. I prayed often to have the ability to teach what was needed for the women in the room. I read and reread the lesson, searched through the lds.org website and pulled a number of talks off the BYU devotional website. I studied what the intention of a lesson was and devoted myself to unseen needs and hoped I would feel promptings to dig a bit deeper and find something that would be exactly needed and that the HG could make life better for the women in the room, the women of my ward.

I have always felt that by trying to understand exactly what the teacher’s manual says and by truly taking time you can find answers mostly for yourself and maybe that’s the intention of being in a teacher’s calling. Maybe it’s always been about what you take out of it for yourself and then by sharing what you have learned you can touch others because change is so self-driven. You can only have people pause for thought; the rest is up to them. I learn so much by just preparing. It’s a win-win for me. I only hope and pray that I can then, with the lord’s help, impart what I know to help others. That’s the dream of every successful teacher and is something I wish for myself.

The following tangent is with your understanding, there is method to my madness here, hang on.

There’s a Broadway musical; “Wicked” that I absolutely love. It began as a book written to address the witches from the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the pink Good witch and Elphaba, the Wicked witch. They meet at college and as in all ways; the book best describes the complexities of their lives and their relationships as they develop much better than the stage play. You learn of Elphaba’s dysfunctional upbringing and of the way she is misunderstood. Glinda is best described as shallow but heartfelt. The characters interact through a journey to meet the Wizard and find him corrupt and evil. You interpret the story from your own vantage point and even in reading the reviews there is considerable argument as to which witch is evil and which is good. You understand motivations from personal perspective and because of that your understanding of intent rolls into play.

In the end, Elphaba’s world is turned upside down and she is faced with choice. What will this tragic set of circumstances do to her intent and to her heart? Here, at this moment, comes the most moving song in the musical. “Defying Gravity”.

Defying Gravity Lyrics


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!


It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!


I'm through accepting limits
‘‘Because someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!


I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity


Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!

Perspective matters here, is Elphaba giving up or growing. Well, if you follow through to the end of the story and the beginning of the next you know that she is crushed under the house that Dorothy was in when she arrived in the Land of Oz.

As much as I see tragedy in this, it is filled with misunderstanding and a lack of understanding intent. Elphaba understands this and chooses to defy the expectation. She let’s go of the pain and heartache and chooses to be disheartened and angry and it shows in everything she does. It’s the stage that follows enlightenment for some. When they realize that being understood might never happen and anger and frustration sets. But there is another choice here and many do take it and for that reason, this song means much more to me.

Limits are set on us, whether we like it or not by the expectations of the people and culture around us. It’s an invisible line or ceiling that holds us in place to “fit in”. When something happens to us that changes us to our very core we lay at the precipices of change. Which direction you choose can seal a happy or unhappy existence. I chose, after much angst and confusion, to be happy in spite of it all, and even though, many times I doubt my abilities. Overcoming those abilities gives wings to all the hope I have in my life and it changes the “I can’t’s” to the absolute “cans”.

Now; to get back on track.

I never thought for one minute that my story or for that matter, my life could make a difference to anyone other than me. I have blogged and written and tried in everyway to leave a legacy of survival for my family. I want, someday, for my children and grandchildren to speak of me with the same reverence and respect that they speak of my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts. In everyway, this desire arises from the great legacies of woman that have come before me. I am so proud of my heritage.

This lesson, the RS lesson scared the begebees out of me. I was so nervous, so intimidated and as I began, the spirit rested on my shoulders and words came out that I didn’t even know were there. The flow was amazing and the intent was clear and in the end as I looked around the room I felt free of all the judgment that really, I doubt, was ever there in the first place. A silent limitation that I placed on myself. Maybe I do have something to add. If the pain and suffering I went through can in anyway be a benefit in the path it took and the resolution I have so as to be shared as an example, so be it, but what I would hope most is that by looking at the mistakes I made and goodness knows there were many, that others can be adverted of some of the pain I have felt as I went through them.

The Relief Society lesson went well. There were many women who came up after filled with tears and joy. They had missed my voice. Some, I know, will never understand. That’s okay, because in the end, it won’t really matter. I will be met by a kind and loving Heavenly Father who will know the intents of my heart and he will lay his judgment there. This I know, because the HG has left that testament on my heart.

An after thought, a wonderful poem by one of my favorite poets.

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox


There are songs enough for the hero
Who dwells on the heights of fame;
I sing of the disappointed--
For those who have missed their aim.


I sing with a tearful cadence
For one who stands in the dark,
And knows that his last, best arrow
Has bounded back from the mark.


I sing for the breathless runner,
The eager, anxious soul,
Who falls with his strength exhausted.
Almost in sight of the goal;


For the hearts that break in silence,
With a sorrow all unknown,
For those who need companions,
Yet walk their ways alone.


There are songs enough for the lovers
Who share love's tender pain,
I sing for the one whose passion
Is given all in vain.


For those whose spirit comrades
Have missed them on their way,
I sing, with a heart o'erflowing,
This minor strain to-day.


And I know the Solar system
Must somewhere keep in space
A prize for that spent runner
Who barely lost the race.


For the plan would be imperfect
Unless it held some sphere
That paid for the toil and talent
And love that are wasted here.

4 hours Sleep

So, no quote, no ironic or cleaver diatribe. Just shear frustration at a life that I simply must bring to a peace while excusing myself from the drama. I would love life to just be easy some time. I would love it if I could wake up in the morning after a restful and undisturbed sleep and want to be at a job I love, in a head space uncluttered with concern, a perfect size 10 and a stable thought process. A perfect world would be so welcome right now but it just isn't my reality.

The one thing I have that makes everyday bearable is the love of a good and kind man who accepts me for all the broken pieces I carry. It is the pivot point of my life that makes decisions easier, movement forward natural and even after 4 hours sleep and an 18 hour day ahead bearable. It's his face I will see at the end of this day, his shoulder I will rest my weary head on and in his arms I will feel safe. I am so thankful for that because I know it is a gift.

Choices are hard sometimes. The lesson I have learned most this last little while is chaos visits every life but it's impact is dependant on how much you let in. I have always wanted to make things right for the ones I have loved. There are times, however, when you have no control over that and the chaos can consume you. This is when you must decide and for an instant, be selfish. I did that this week and my heart is aching.

I may lose my Dad because I just can't bear to watch an enabler refuse to have accountabilty in an out of control life. It is pret near the hardest thing I have had to do and it's consequences will be felt, I am sure, for a very long time. I am losing family and family means the very most to me, even crazy, screwed up family. Yeah, depressing, I know.

I will come home tonight and I will rest my soul in the care of my prayers and my new husband. Both will make the world seem more fair, more complacent, more livable. I will also look deep within and remember that not everything can be fixed, epecially when fixing it is primarily in anothers hands.

Thus, as I grow older and more mature, the irony of life seems to settle in the everyday of my living.