This Above All

This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

~ Hamlet, Shakespeare

How do you define integrity, is it to yourself, to others or in every aspect of who you are? I am learning the lessons of integrity. I am also learning to understand myself and my new found faith in things much broader and more universal than I ever imagined.

Incidents happen that jolt me and it is when this happens that I realize just how far I have come and how what used to be drama filled for me now has become a blip on the radar screen. It could and probably would be interpreted as "past feeling" but in every real way I am feeling more that I ever though possible.

It came to my attention this week that there are some who feel that my words are an attack against the church. It was funny, in my old life something like that would have thrown me for a loop but what I did was read back all my blog posts and really study what it is my words are saying. I can see on two instances where I did breach the doctrine and in both cases it was an emotional post. One, in being denied the cancellation and the second, in learning of the method of translation of the BOM. In all other cases my words attached the behavior of people.

So it is here I ask the question, is calling attention to the behavior of members attacking the church? My sista says in members eyes and hearts "yes".

So, my question then is, if someone treats someone horribly and the offended person speaks to it, in the mere vocalizing the pain this attacks all? I find that if the culture itself can excuse the behavior and hide behind the doctrine as excuse for accountability who then can make anyone accountable?

So my words are to blame for the ostracizing. OK, I am willing to own that, it's actually nice to know why but who owns the spiritual bullying? Is disagreeing with the way people treat each other worthy of shunning? I guess if you are Mormon, the answer would be yes.

I think it's deeper, I think it resides more in fear. That's my gut instinct here.

I find this is where I see integrity blur. If you follow the edicts of the Mormon faith then how do you reconcile the brutality of the culture against some people? If you have an answer let me know, oh wait, if I remember correctly its all about forgiveness not accountability. It is for me to have continued to endure Sunday's and continually seek a forgiving heart for those who PURPOSEFULLY set out to judge and hurt and not about a change in behavior, EVER.

Yup, I wanna be there for sure. The perfect storm happened. ow, when a member says the church doesn't currently practise polygamy I can't speak up and defend that statement false as I am currently in a polygamous marriage and have been denied the right to not be. By even writing the words I am anti and deserving of shunning. OK, I accept that, its the price I am willing to pay to be integral to my truth.

That's the definition of integrity - in accepting both good and bad to what we believe and if we can't then we must find our integrity. If it falls within the tenants of the Mormon faith I absolutely respect it. I am not about proving anyone wrong, that was and is not the intention of this blog. This blog is about my journey, my feelings, my life and when it's referenced to others as ANTI MORMON all I ask is that you have the integrity to call me so we can have a chat and I can explain that I have no offense to your truths, your beliefs and and your living of the Mormon faith then maybe we can find some resolution. What I ask is for the respect to see my life for what is now. Healed, strong and connected in every way to a GOD I very much believe in and to whom I trust LOVES everyone equally.

I am sorry that I have offended some of you, for doing so I apologise but I will not stop drawing attention to a culture that feels right with treating others disrespectfully if they differ or think differently. God judges, not a culture and when that is remembered you run into a Mormon so amazing you can't help but be impressed. I have met a few and for that reason I still have hope.

My sister in law is a perfect example.

So here is what I ask, instead of telling people I am ANTI MORMON call me so we can talk so you can really hear that I am not, that I respect faith and the living of it honorably. That's it, it's that easy. Oh wait, it's that easy if you want it to be.

To Matter

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the ups and downs of the living of it. Most of the time I feel pretty good about it all but there is a certain time of year that seems to always have me realize a deeper hurt and chasm of pain. Oct and Nov are difficult and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why.

Mom passed on Oct 4 and it brings back a pain that only those that have lost their Mom's understand. The second is my birthday. I can say why but its mute in point. I thought this year would be different but it wasn't and it was hard and it made me think about what it takes to matter, to be the kind of person that people care enough to remember and to matter enough to well, I don't know, just matter I guess.

My Mom mattered and when I tried to remember what her 50th birthday was like, I couldn't remember but what I do know is that the gift I gave her was her first grand daughter K1. I remember her telling me what a great late present it was. She had flown into TO and K1 wasn't in a hurry.

As i was in the midst of a self indulged pity party I started to think that maybe mattering is something that happens by simple and long running acts of caring and that it happens when the people you love start to understand because they have others in their lives who may not be making them matter. Mom used to say that your daughters/son will learn a new way of loving you when they have their own children, that has proven true.

So, what am I on about. 50 came and went - some remembered, some didn't and some redeemed themselves. With everything that is going wrong in my life I took it far to personally and I need to focus more on NOW and get through the difficult stuff like work and losing my faith and focus on getting to the point of mattering because if I wasn't there I would be missed.

That takes time and I have time. Time to love my kids even more unconditionally, to care even more about those precious grand babies and start trying to re-establish faith again and quit mourning the faith that didn't really care that much about me in the first place.

At the end of the day, everyone yearns to matter in the lives of others. I have learned to matter we need to be proactive. to make a difference in the lives of those we love by caring and eventually you will matter.... eventually you will.

 

M - R - J Oct 14 - 2011

My BBG # 3 asked the other day why I hadn't blogged about this precious little guy. I had and have a dozen times and every time I think I have it right I reread it and it just isn't. I don't know how to pen the way I feel about this little man and about being there the very moment he look his first breath. How can I, it was, for me, the most live changing thing I have been through in such a very long time.

BBG, my Mom and I talked about those moments. We talked about what it was like for her as I struggled through each pregnancy and birth and how helpless she felt. How I felt that day, that night and that morning as I watched you struggle and suffer and realised the moment you loved in a way you had never felt before.
I can't describe how I felt as M slept on the couch and you rested as the Dr provided the needed relief. You were laying there and the monitor was going and M's heart beat was beating over and over and there I was about to see the little man who was changing all of our lives for the better. It was just about then that you woke in such agony and pain, your epidural had gone dry.  I went out and asked for help and everyone was busy attending another woman's moment and as I felt helpless I felt her, I felt her like when I was walking with little C and she guided me to know exactly what to do and exactly what to say.
Did you know she was there, holding his hand as he readied to meet you.
That's why I haven't been able to blog about it sweetie, because from that moment until about a hour after M joined us she was there, she knew I needed her and she knew you did too. It is a moment in my life that I will cherish.

I will forever remember the gift little M brought that day.

Time, time with my Mom.