Charity is not always Quick.

“If charity is not always quick to our understanding,it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding.It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him we must respect ourselves suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There
are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need.We must be willing to let others help us”

Sister Aileen H. Clyde
(in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 107; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 77).

This will be, if I have anything to say about it, my last victim blog entry!


I will address this and then it is done! Allowing someone who does this evil and insidious practise entrance into our lives is habitual. Once you are aware that you have the power and right to not allow it to be part of your existence anymore you can CHOOSE to have it gone! Yes, that's right. A Choice!


How you make that choice come into your life is defined by your own circumstances. You set the limits, the boundaries! You must make that choice. You simply must! Even if it becomes hard, the effort will be well worth it.


Decide what you deserve and then live to that choice. If the abuser can not be understanding then you must make a further choice, all of which are very difficult but again, let me repeat....ALWAYS worth it.

I am free. I don't hurt like I used to. I am breathing and living and feeling more love than I ever have and because I know I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and because of the support I have received from so many people around me I know that I can make it through any storm or trial.


Let me first state here though and you must exhaust every possibility before you bail. God will let you know when you have done enough. It is a feeling that every women I know who has chosen to leave a temple marriage has borne witness to me that it comes to them. Is is difficult to discribe, it a sense of peace in the middle of a hurricane, it is ZEN.


Being single in a couple dominated religion is VERY HARD! In my case, even as hard as it is, it is still easier than what being married was.


The militancy stops here. :0) happiness is emerging again.

Thank God.

“There is no better way to thank God for your sight than by giving a helping hand to someone in the dark.”

~ Helen Keller

I seriously dislike the Calgary city planners... really.... what are thinking?


When I go for my afternoon walk downtown, I have to transverse over piles of construction and go from one side of the street for two blocks to crossing the street to the other side for two blocks than back again all to avoid the massive amount of partial street closures that make it impossible to just walk down a city side walk.


Today though, I have now been directly affected. It hit my pocketbook, or for that matter, A's pocket book which we are still in discussion about. She was running errands today and borrowed my car. In picking me up from work downtown she drove through a recently opened lane on 9th Ave. About 1 minute later we started to hear this unbelievable noise like someone was throwing steel at my car. She pulled over and lo and behold a 1/2" bolt with a matching steel plate had embedded itself in my tire! UGHHHHHHHH! I hate flat tires.


No really, I absolutely do hate flat tires!!!


There we were in front of the Calgary Tower and watching as the air was slowly oozing out of my tire. A being the multi talented women that she is reminded me that we are SHE-WOMEN and we that we 'CAN DO IT!". We started to pull out the paraphernalia that facilitates the changing of a tire as all these executive men casually looked on and offered no help. Yeah for educated men! I guess you need to be Barbie like for them to offer any assistance. But alas, all was not lost!


Joe construction worker, who no doubt had started his day at 6am stopped and asked if he could give us a hand. This guy looked like he had one heck of a hard day but he got the lug bolts off, which, by the way, must have been screwed on by Hercules himself, and wham, bam, the tire was changed in a total of 10 minutes. We thanked him profusely and I gave him a few buck to get a warm coffee so he could warm up and my faith in mankind was restored.


Who was the night in shining armour! A hard working construction guy with a heart!


The shame of it is that I didn't get his name. My faith is restored, they are decent people out there still, they're just not in suits, their in Mark's Work Warehouse coveralls!

"But if Not...,"

"The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don't seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us."~ Dennis E. Simmons

"But If Not . . .," Ensign, May 2004, 73

I have been trying to understand my role in this universe. Where do I really stand and to whom does my shadow fall. Especially now, when it would be easy to give up all that I KNOW is good for ME. Where is my Faith and what does it expect of me.... NOW.


Martin Luther says; "Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it."


I feel like I've died a thousand deaths only to rise again to be shot down once more. Why bounce back?


Because in the bouncing there's a rush of hope that says, this time, it will all be different. You just know that this one time, it will be what you want most of all, when you know what it is you want most of all.


You would think at 46 that my issues with finding faith would be over but I am finding this struggle equal to when I first sought out a testimony. Inside me though, is an unwavering belief in the goodness of God and his peaceable, loving nature.


I know I am loved, not just by him but by all my family and friends and that they care.


This is why this battle seems beatable.


I am supported.


THANK-YOU!

We Will be Quiet!

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.”

~Henry David Thoreau

I have always believed that whether by the words of my prophet or by the words of the general authorities that they would be gospel and that we need to adhere to them.

I have come to the understanding that it may not always be the case. Those words are up to interpretation and even though the meaning may seam crystal clear, it IS ALWAYS up to judgement and in that, women like me can find disappointment.

The words:

"If you are divorced, do you provide for the real financial need of the children you have fathered, not just the minimum legal requirement?"

and

"As a bishop, when you counsel with a husband and wife who are in marital difficulty, do you give the same credence to the statements of the woman that you do to the man? As I travel throughout the world, I find that some women are shortchanged in that a priesthood leader is more persuaded by a son rather than a daughter of Father in Heaven. That imbalance simply must never occur."

Richard G. Scott.

I have come to an understanding that anything can be manipulated. My family's voice was only heard where the leaders knew both of us. Those that didn't, did not seek to know the truth. I am picking up the pieces of broken hearts and spirits yet again. I hope that my daughters can come to an understanding of the fatalities of man, even our church leaders.

The kind and wise words of my Bishop - "our existence on this planet is one of surviving the trials and experiences which Heavenly Father obviously knows we need, sometimes it is only by faith that we overcome them, hopefully you and your children can rely on Heavenly Father's wisdom at this difficult time." bring some comfort.

Believe it or not. I understand him. He has tried and done all that he could to help, but in the end it really did become a he said/ she said argument.

My words to those leaders who may not hear voices like my children and mine.

"When another woman and or family come to you and speak about emotional abuse; please hear them. These circumstances and events are real. This is a quiet, insidious and evil practise and causes so much devastation and heartache it destroys people and lives. I have been told that my children and I suffered one of the most severe and cruel cases ever seen by our therapists that have helped us.
I cannot change your decision nor do I want to. All I can do is just ask that if this circumstance comes again that you look deeper and question harder and try to find the full truth. Listen to the other side especially since it comes from sisters like me."

Change in a Child

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939

Yikes, do I ever understand this quote. I remember vividly the day that K senior and her Dad were in a very difficult and oppressive argument. I was doing all that I could to find a way to mediate and then, the bottom dropped out. K told her Dad to take a flying leap (translated to not offend those reading this blog).
My heart sank. It stopped him because K had seen the same words stop him from coming at me but I realised right there and then that I just needed to change because my example was not good.

I have changed dramatically since then. My very vocabulary is altered and no longer includes those words, especially when dealing with others. Even in the last few months I have changed and continue to as I have a firmer grasp on my own emotional health.

Kids love us no matter what. Even in abuse, children will still seek out acceptance and caring from the abuser. It's their nature.

But if we really want the cycle to end then change must be initiated within ourselves. I wasn't the greatest of examples to my kids but NOW then can count on me trying to be. They can call me out if they think I am not and I can speak honestly with them. Remember though, that my kids are now almost all adults. We have earned this privilege.

If you kids are young, always just love them and show integrity. Be honest and always be the same both inside and outside your home. Kids need that. Consistency brings emotional health.

I have good friends who have raised there kids to be fine young men. They have come under a great amount of scrutiny but they have followed the mantra; "If it not morally wrong, hurting others, or illegal then let it be." I have often said it's a shame my girls don't match up in age because these boys will make fine fathers and husbands some day.

I endeavour to follow truth and the spirit in my life. I know the Lord's expectation of me as a parent. I hope when I finally get back to the Big Guy he will say, "Great Job, it wasn't easy, but you did your best."

It's all I can pray for. It's what I am here for.

Rides!

I have been thinking, what is it that makes my life so full. I wake up in the morning and thank the BIG GUY for how it is now, peaceful, happy and full of my kids. I'm grateful for health and my job, you know, all the usual. I am even grateful for some unusual stuff, like the Lord kind of always knowing what it is that I need to do and giving me a break by making it pretty easy to know what that is.

What I hate though, is the drama of my life and I have been trying to figure out how to purge that.

Any ideas?

I thought of banning any conversation about any of the dramatic parts of my life. I am working on that. How about keeping my distance from stress and heartache by concentrating on service and giving. I have the plans of a mission. I just don't know how to change what is so familiar in my life so that it can be different.

As I was meditating about this, I remembered seeing a movie when my kids were still little. It was a hectic and busy life back then and I felt so overwhelmed most of the time. When I think about it now, it seems so insignificant but back then that stuff was real and hard.

It was called "Parenthood" and it was a satire on modern urban life and I think the message was pretty clear. "Take a breather". Just stop and breath and feel living.

At one point in the movie, Gil, the father, is in the dining room with his grandmother at thanksgiving time. Chaos was all around and you could see that he was at the end of his emotional rope.

The following words are exchanged;

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

I started to cry right there in the movie when I heard this. It was a moment when I knew I was supposed to hear exactly that.

To say my life has been a roller coaster ride would be an understatement. But I have never and I mean never felt that it hasn't all been worth it. All the good and the bad and the ugly.

It's continues to be a thrill.

The Power to Choose, to Respond, to Change.

"Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."

~ Stephen Covey

Once again I am reflecting on the experience I have had to look at what it is I am to learn. I am beginning to think this blog is just one big S DRAMA show and have contemplated stopping. Then I thought. What kind of legacy do I want to leave my children and grandchildren? When it’s all said and done, really, they are the ones who will remember you. So I wondered. What is it I want to leave them?


Clearly, from the circumstances of the last few weeks in just ain't going to be a ton of money. Well, as a family we had already been through that. So what of words... my words.


Years ago, my Dad inherited a large steamer trunk. It sat in my parents basement, tucked away for years, until my brother pulled it out and opened it. It was a treasure. Full of paintings and books and letters. OLD LETTERS.


W is still deciphering the letters and every once in a while we get a coil bound book that contains the writings of a past relative or even one maybe more current. I can't tell you how grateful I am to read these volumes of words. Thanks W!


How about a great..great...great aunt's journey to Istanbul for a Spa vacation to improve her health. Yes, I have a legacy of words in my family and it has made me realize that maybe in a hundred years my ancestors will read my musings and find some comfort in them.


So here's to what I am on about today. Stephen C's quote.


4 Human Endowments.


1.) Self Awareness - when we know who we are and acknowledge it, both the good and the bad, we become whole and pure. Maturity and circumstance bring this to us. You need both to recognise that you are what you are and you have within you the power to change. I have intimate knowledge of change. I remember a time of hopelessness and a feeling of powerlessness. I didn't know of my divinity. Once I understood the concept of truly being a daughter of God I found in myself the ability to overcome everything. I just recognize the reality of time and healing.


2.) Conscience - wow, this one is essential. I have come to an understanding of owning what is your faults and not owning what isn't. In the grasping of truth in your life you MUST be able to know what it is that is wrong so as you can make things RIGHT in your life.


3.) Independent Will - Alone is scary but important. It's a step, I hate to say this but most young Mormon girls miss this. They find themselves going from the dependence of their parents straight into a marriage an miss the part of life where you learn Independence. I missed it. I am learning it now, and loving it! Take time to really know that you can be you and be great. Make difficult decisions, live to them, stand behind them and show all around you that you have inner strength. Life can be brutal and without inner fortitude trials can way so heavy that you give up. Finding the will inside you to hold on is so essential to being integral to yourself. It allows you to put healthy boundaries in place so you can exist with others.


4.) Creative Imagination - I love this. My Momma taught me this. She encouraged me to imagine and dream. She gave me outlets to become one with the talents God gave me and always encouraged me to live to them as they were God's gift to me. Talents weren't just defined like writing or flower arranging. She saw talent in being a good friend, a good listener, a faithful person, a good sister, daughter or Mom. One thing she always said to me. "Remember you have been blessed with a testimony, some haven't S, live always to what you know for yourself. It will give you strength. " My momma was the most creative and imaginative person I know. I couldn't have been blessed with a better Yomomma!


So in the end, understanding the complexities of these four endowments and knowing where you are at in relation to them can give you strength to be a complete and more compassionate human being! I always remember though that I am constantly changing and growing. If I can keep that growth positive I may be able to accomplish the miracle of a whole and healed family! That is my goal.

In Memory

Pong

Your missed. 17 years of making us pet you and here your joy for being a cat! I hope they have cats in heaven, it would be unfair if there weren't.

Seeker After Truth

"Silence is a great help to the seeker after truth. In the attitude of silence, the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after truth, and the soul requires inward restfulness to attain its full height."

~ Mahatma" Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

So clearly you can tell after reading the last few blogs that we as a family and myself personally had a bit of a bumpy ride. Man, I was sure that the bumps were pretty much over but once again, I misjudged. I do that often.


I think I have a process now to get over these hurdles. Sometimes it's a breeze and others it's a frickin Tornado. A twister of biblical proportions went through and guess what, I think we survived. At least I think so for now.


Silence was the key and reflective thought. I have spent many a hour rebuilding some faith in my kids and myself but maybe for all maybes, we better knock on some wood, we cleared this one. Intact and maybe a bit poorer but finally free to really be who and what we were always meant to be!


When Bishop H made his suggestion at first I wanted to scream and shout and claim the absurdity of how unfair everything was. It took some time and compassion from others as they helped me to realize how lucky and blessed I really am. And then I thought.....hmmmmm.... so here I am. The Mom of amazing kids who I love and adore and to whom they have shown the same to me. When I consider the financial position I could be in, I shiver a bit, and then remember; I have a great job, hard but there, a great life, great friends, even greater family and then an AHA moment came to me.


Maybe I needed to redefine the word FAIR and see that in fact, the scales are balanced on my behalf when you think about it. At the end of the day, my kids love me, they respect me and recognize the sacrifices we are all making to become a functional, happy and adoring family. It's really happening. We really are that and so here's to M. Try and shake it, destroy it, hurt it. You will never have what we have here. I am sad for that. You are missing out.


So I am going to take a deep breath and move forward. Scared... frightened really but happy and content to know..... Family is our purpose. It's our destiny. I love who I came to and who came to me and I can hardly wait to meet those who are still waiting to come.


Let me testify again to the importance of the words of this quote. I did take a measurable amount of time to really reflect and judge what was asked of me and what was needed by my family. The C'Train is an awesome place to meditate deeply and to pray. (Don't laugh!) It was in the silence I heard the answers I needed to hear to make the decisions and to follow through to make this right. This last few days may never really make sense to me but they will always be right, because in the silence the Big Guy let me know it would be.


P.S. Thanks for the prayers, they helped.

The Atonement Gives Us the Strength to Endure

"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."

~ Dallin H. Oaks

 "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 9

I have had a rough day! The mountains called for the peace they can provide me and I heeded their whisper. I knew exactly where I was going to go and set out first thing. Yes, I did indeed miss church. I could not be there as what I was working out needed my attention. I guess I knew that the Lord would let me call a "Mulligan" on this because I truly did spend the day with him.

I am bearing a burden that is most evidently too much to bear. It goes against the words of the Prophet and his General Authorities but none the less it is mine to carry. I am so scared, frightened really and angry that it is even expected of me. I needed reassurance from the Big Guy that I could do it and that I could fine some peace to forgive M from ever passing this to me.

I struggle always with the separation of M and his behavior and the behavior of a righteous priesthood. It affects my decision making and my trust. I wondering if my activity in the church can survive this jolt, I still can't answer that. The church is a place of great pain and yet I have a kind and loving Bishop who is trying to understand. How can you ever understand this journey my children and I are on? It is so not understandable.

I feel the happiness in my soul hiding while I work through this with my kids. I am the ever present MOTHER BEAR who wants to keep my kidlets safe. How do you protect them from this? How do ever make this make sense to your own kids? It doesn't even make sense to me.

Please know WWW that there isn't a hole to deep for me to get out of. Some are just so deep time is required. With the help of my Savior I can be the cushion my children need to fall on and the rock that they need for a foundation.

Say a prayer for us, we need it. And if you have a chance, let my kids know they are loved.

Sunday Will Come

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

 "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30

I find this quote so very interesting. The world reveals Friday as the day that all wait in earnest for. TGIF is self evident and Saturday is the day most recover from Friday but as young LDS children we sing "Saturday is the day we get ready for Sunday".


What a confusing place we live in.


I am so ready to completely throw in the towel. Once again, in M's attempt to control he is changing and turning upside down our lives. Rather than make M accountable, in the sake of forgiveness, I am being asked to just walk away and completely carry this family. Both financially and emotionally. As if the emotional burden is not enough.


After conference this year I thought women like myself would have the help me needed but apparently we will need to continue to just sweep up the messes that our lives are left in on our own and carry the burdens ourselves.


Boy, am I in for a very rough next few years.


Hang on kids, Sunday will eventually come.... I hope!

To Be One Does Not Mean We Are All The Same.

"To be one does not mean we are all the same. Each being is unique. No two occupy the same space. As the leaf needs all the parts for completion, so each spirit has it's special place. People can try to maneuver, but in the end each will return to the right place. Some of us seek a straight path, while others enjoy the weariness of circles."

- Mutant Message Down Under ~ Marlo Morgan

A wise and wonderful women guided me to this incredible read. I suggest, if you ever wondered about the commonalty of religion this would be where you might learn that at the base of all things is the common gospel that sheds light on the compassion to each other and to this earth.

Question asked....... What are you on about?

I have an inkling that life has a way of working itself out to the way it was always intended.

It's like this time of year as you hear the geese beckoning to each other the call to go south. I have been fascinated by the many directions that all of these geese go. It's the win of living where I do, they all seem to pass by. Some seem to be headed south with their direction clear, a leader, breaking the current so others fly easier. Then there are those who seem to just be heading in the wrong direction. Same leader, same energy, same formation, but apparently the wrong way. Is that true? Or are they just taking their own path. Do they all not end up in the same place?

What about our children. Have you ever met that family that were so perfect and just couldn't figure out why the kids were taking the path they were. Was there something we weren't seeing or really, was it just a choice a kid made. I know some incredible parents who DID IT ALL RIGHT, and in the end it didn't work out the way anyone expected.....YET! And who determines the criteria for working out?

I seem to always come back to this one truth. Is it my ensign or siren call. I know my kids read this blog and I am receiving visitors from all over. I wonder how you feel?

I know now, as I am raising these awesome and incredible kids on my own and their D has exited completely I have learned to truly follow the spirit and speak the words of my heart. I have become more true to what my heart knows and only hope that I can someday be so blessed as to have their forgiveness for the troubles they went through as kids.

Happiness is in their voices as I answer the phone and they say hello and speak of their days, their heartaches, their triumphs, their blessings. I ask, how could anyone choose to leave this great inspired unit that God granted us here on this earth and then I realize that the blessing is ours to have remained intact,caring, united and loved.

BBG's and BBB. Yomomma loves you, always!

My Lamp!

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” ~ Barbara De Angelis

I am resolved to realize that time is the only healer of a broken heart. Sometimes as women we give so much of ourselves away that way to late we realize we have nothing left for ourselves. I have realized that it is time to rebuild and restore my lamp.

Sometimes we need to take an inventory of our lives and purge that which takes too much from our storage. Where I work, this is the time of year where we evaluate all that we have done this year and work at a plan for the future year. We have a strict policy of 2 for 1 which means that any project to go forward must produce 2 dollars for every 1 dollar spent. This policy is iron clad and results in many projects that are shelved. The only comprise comes from a change in the 2:1 numbers as a result of economical change or a re-evaluation of the purpose of the project. Very rarely does an exception go by, I have yet to see one.

The result of this planning is a fiscal and solvent company in the worst of economic times. We can weather storms better than other company because we don’t extend ourselves. This policy has brought our company through two very big scares intact. The practicality of this policy is transparent and has purpose.

So what am I on about?

I adore solitude. I scare myself sometimes because when I am alone I can manage my thoughts and my actions become consistent with my values. I have been taking the small opportunities to be in solitude to work through how I can help my kids and myself through the challenges that we face. I had some awesome talks with my son and daughters these past few weeks and I was able to express opinions that didn’t challenge my inner convictions and I was comfortable with what was said as they too expressed their opinions.

They will be making life changing decisions and they are more prepared than ever. My role is to accept these decisions, even if they cause me great anguish, because they have the right to make them. I cannot protect them from the outside world and I would not be a loving and nurturing mother if I didn’t realize that after this time of turmoil that I too need to time out and regroup.

The 2:1 here is purging and prioritizing life. I gave my kids the facts as I see them. They, in turn, gave me their facts. I had always assumed that what was required was to always encourage relationships. Without judgement, I simply asked. “What is the 2:1 on that relationship?” The answer was clear. I confirmed my support, in whatever decision was made, and spoke of my great love and admiration for ALL of them.

And then it was time for my own evaluation. I too must purge and prioritize, as painful as it is. My lamp must always have oil because the bridegroom, (no, that’s not some corny analogy, read the New Testament please), is coming. My vessel is weak and I need to be strong.... for my kids, and their kids, and their kids, if God grants me that grace.

The fundamental difference between my companies 2:1 policy and my life’s policy is in life the statistics skew the other way. I have taught my kids and follow this myself. That for every 2 you give the reward should put you At One with yourself, your God and the universe!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the holiday of peace, the celebration of work and the simple life... a true folk-festival that speaks the poetry of the turn of the seasons, the beauty of seed time and harvest, the ripe product of the year - and the deep, deep connection of all these things with God.  ~ Ray Stannard Baker (David Grayson)

As a member of our Church we are taught to start each prayer with a heart of Thanksgiving. We go through, almost robotically, all the things that we are grateful for. I have spent a fair amount of my prayers trying to put purpose in this and to truly express to the Lord what I am so thankful for in my life. There are times when I wonder if the Lord really knows and if in some of it, is it truly okay to be grateful for?

I woke early to put the turkeys in the oven. Yes, that is plural, we have that many coming and I thought of my Mom. She used to do this, as her mother did and great grandma, and great great grandma, only I think those ladies got up a bit earlier than me and killed the bird themselves. At least I have heard stories of it. I am grateful most for the legacy of motherhood that resides within my genetics. I come from strong women stock on both sides and that birthright is essential to my makeup and to my girls inner strength. Thank-you.

My family. Most of them anyway. Once again, a bit of dysfunction is playing out but with the new found strength that is mine I am better able to set the boundaries and request the peace that is mine to have in my home. When I wake in the morning this home is a haven of spiritual peace and comfort. The HG resides here and many comment on the way this house feels like home. I believe with all my heart that why that happens is because of all the effort that is made to ensure peace is here and that hard feelings are not welcome. I have had to make a decision to keep the peace here. I am grateful for the strength that I have now that I am able to discern what is needed to make my home a place of calm and comfort. I am grateful for those who understand and aid me in this quest. Even 7 screaming, happy kids, can keep that feeling alive because it is in the innocence that the spirit resides. I only wish all of the judgement that comes with some people in our religion could be checked at my door too. I understand though, that it is not a perfect world.

I am grateful for the decision M made to remarry on this day. It will be a reminder every year for how grateful I am for the life that I have and have had. My journey is filled with JOY and I will never regret any part of it so far. His departure has brought great comfort and peace and my only regret is in the pain my kids still suffer at his callous heart. His remarriage will end most of that while he becomes a family where he is and leaves what is here alone, by his choice. There is great peace and saddness in that. I wish him all the happiness and love in his new life.

I am grateful for friends, new and old, found and lost. What would I be without them. They are wonderful and so purposeful in my journey. My only prayer is that I can be as giving to them as they have been to me and that my burdens will soon be played out and I can return to the giving that so completes me. I feel that time coming soon.

I want the WWW to know that my most thankful procession is my testimony. Without it, I would be very lost and forgotten. I am grateful for its redefinition to be not so inclusive, for its broadening of prioritizing my Saviors gospel and his life and how I can emulate it. For finding peace and contentment in the journey and for feeling zen more often then not.

Thank-you..... Always.

Big D and his way.

Today, this morning, I was hit with a fence of doubt and heartache. I sat on the stairs of my 4 level split crying for the first time in a long time. I just could not rationalize the drama that was in my life and was overwhelmed with the notion of priorities and purges. I was emotionally exhausted.

D's door opened and he looked at me, walked over and just hugged me. I could feel my tears fall on his shoulders. They was never a word spoken but I knew that he knew I just needed exactly what he gave. He is so emotionally mature for his age. Circumstances have forced him to this.

I know had any of my girls been here, they would have hugged me no less. Maybe a few more words would have exchanged, a comment or two and a huge self esteem boost. I love my kids. More than more could imagine.

I brushed my tears off and headed up the stairs to get ready for church. As I was doing that, D walked in and handed me a paper.


44 Natural Highs:


1. Falling in love.


2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.


3. A hot shower.


4. No lines at the supermarket.


5. A special glance.


6. Getting mail.


7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.


8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.


9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.


10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.


11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).


12. A bubble bath.


13. Giggling.


15. The beach.


16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.


17. Laughing at yourself.


18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you.


19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.


20. Running through sprinklers.


21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.


22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.


23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS.


24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.


25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.


26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).


27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.


28. Playing with a new puppy.


29. Having someone play with your hair.


30. Sweet dreams.


31. Hot chocolate.


32. Road trips with friends.


33. Swinging on swings.


34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.


35. Making chocolate chip cookies.


36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.


37. Holding hands with someone you care about.


38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.


39. Watching the expression on someones face as they open a much desired present from you.


40. Watching the sunrise.


41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.


42. Knowing that somebody misses you.


43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.


44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.


He has such a kind heart. I smiled and faced the day.

Finding Joy in the Journey

President Thomas S. Monson

Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family.

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

Have you ever sat in conference and heard something that sounded familiar, almost instinctual. Like Captain Moroni's Title of Liberty. It is in the words that truth is just there, its in you, always. Spiritual witness is born as you read the words or hear them and you know, as well, that you had felt the words all before. Maybe it's a replay of the pre-existence. Maybe it is just divine nature extending itself to your heart.

So here is the interpretation according to S, and please remember, I don't speak for the church, I speak for my truths which I believe align in there own unique way to the gospel.

The one with the most money at the end of his earthly journey isn't the winner. This life is not all about work and pressure and spiritual suffering. You must find Joy in this journey. STOP, smell the roses. Gather your families, your friends, those that bring happiness into your life and SHARE your journey. Share laughter, adventure, my gosh, share your life and just take the time to reassure you loved ones they are loved.

I felt for so long that my life was out of control. Is was all about the end. Everything was about what we would have to leave the kids. Even the kids didn't care, they just wanted peace, laughter, happiness to exist within our home but all we were doing was pursuing future leadership, future security, future future.

It wasn't until M's Dad remarried and all this argument happened about the future and about expectations that I took myself out of the race in an unhealthy way. I finally stopped and thought that I just wasn't heading in any kind of sensible direction. Our family was self destructing under the mounds and mounds of expectations we had for ourselves and that others were forcing on us, especially the children. We needed a time out, to refocus, re evaluate and find a healthy, acceptable and peaceful solution to FIND THE JOY IN THE JOURNEY that we had so lost.

Redefining that Joy would take compromise. Well, the history is written on that. It didn't and couldn't happen. So the happiness was redefined a bit different that expected but WOW, is it ours to have now. What I love most of all about my life now is just how many flowers there are to stop and smell. Sure, we have pressures, look at the economy, we still have outside, unrealistic expectations hammering at us, but we are having JOY in this journey.

Last night, I got home from a beautiful wedding, and picked up the Big D at a birthday party. We came home, ordered a Pizza and ate it in the family room (we might have even spilt some....OHHHHH) while we had a heart to heart about his attraction to quirky girls, the loss of his D and change. Even in pain you can find Joy!

So what am I on about.

FOLLOW THE PROPHET! In this there is safety, in this, there is peace!

Our Hearts Knit as One

The Saints can accomplish any purpose of the Lord when fully united in righteousness.

President Henry B. Eyring First Counselor in the First Presidency

 

"That same principle applies as we build unity with people who are from vastly different backgrounds. The children of God have more in common than they have differences. And even the differences can be seen as an opportunity. God will help us see a difference in someone else not as a source of irritation but as a contribution. The Lord can help you see and value what another person brings which you lack. More than once the Lord has helped me see His kindness in giving me association with someone whose difference from me was just the help I needed. That has been the Lord’s way of adding something I lacked to serve Him better."

So I was raised by this incredible woman who just completely understood this principle and needed me to understand it as well. She taught me to look for people who would help balance me and bring into my life a more in depth meaning to its purpose and joy. I cannot describe how grateful I am for this great LIFE LESSON.

I love differences, even in the approach of living the same gospel. The secret here though, is to not judge the differences but to embrace them. How one family studies the scriptures is in no way better than another if in the end the same purpose is met. Scripture study is about feeling and learning. It is about teaching children to discern the spirit and to take from those words their own meaning. Think about it. Even as you read the BOM for the second, third, fourth or fifth time does it have the same meaning each time or does it change with each new reading.

If I surrounded myself by all like minded people I would feel so stagnant and lost. I have loved the differences in how all of my varied and amazing family and friends face their challenges, their happiness and I have gleaned from them those traits that I admire so much. This unity that is derived from understanding and accepting these differences creates friends for a lifetime. It is a win-win concept.

I know that the basic principles and ordinances of the gospel are constant. It makes the gospel so true to me but what I love more than anything else is watching and learning how each of us come to those principles and make them have meaning in on lives.

Where we falter; ME INCLUDED, is when we think our way is the only way or that we make light of another’s journey. I have so done this. I really have a hard time with the Black and White way of living this gospel. When I watch these people my hair on the back of my neck goes up and I feel like I am going to have a post traumatic stress breakdown. I feel their intolerance leaching onto my existence and everything inside of me wants to lash out and shout; "Remember the plan of salvation! Remember we are here to make choices!"

This is where my growth is really coming right now. I recognize it’s their choice of living. Just a choice. They have no affect on me or my living as they are not my judge. I should not judge them, just understand the difference and find unity in the principles we both love. Is this my Achilles heal, I think so.

After hearing this conference talk I have determined to understand this way of living more. To find in it those things that can enhance the way I live. I believe that is a way that I might serve Him better.

Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision.

 

"Several years ago a friend of mine had a young daughter die in a tragic accident. Hopes and dreams were shattered. My friend felt unbearable sorrow. He began to question what he had been taught and what he had taught as a missionary. The mother of my friend wrote me a letter and asked if I would give him a blessing. As I laid my hands upon his head, I felt to tell him something that I had not thought about in exactly the same way before. The impression that came to me was: Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision. He would need to choose faith.
My friend did not know everything, but he knew enough. He chose the road of faith and obedience. He got on his knees. His spiritual balance returned."

~You Know Enough - Neil L. Andersen - Of the Presidency of the Quorum of the Seventy

I've been sitting on this since Saturday mornings conference session. It resonated in my ears the very moment I heard it. Faith is, above all, more of an action then a heart felt emotion.


Making difficult decisions sometimes requires an extreme amount of effort and then pure faith to make them happen. Difficult decisions can involve so many things. Future considerations, schooling, raising kids. Yet, each time we decide, we then put into action faith that what it is will come to be.


I have had to exercise so much faith in these last few years that I sometimes feel it is on automatic pilot and I take it very much for granted. This is when, out of nowhere, my faith can really be tested and I feel weakened all over again.


Okay, get to the point. What am I on about. Sometimes we make difficult decisions. When we do, exercising our faith is the action that builds strength and helps us to become stronger spiritually. I love where I am at but in no way am I confident that I have reached any level of surety. I want so much more for my life and know that only by the continuation of this amazing path that I am on is this possible.


So here's to the exercise of the soul. It stretches and strengthens you no differently than real exercise does and it benefits to your spiritual body equal those that exercise gives to your natural body.

The Importance of Family!

I am blogging From West Jordan, Just a stone's throw from the new temple in Daybreak, Utah. I have had an incredible weekend that began with a wonderful and maybe to fast ride to spending amazing time with my oldest bro W and his incredible wife P and my new great nephew E and his great parents. I am ending off with the cousin of my dreams and heart J who has been vital to my life since she arrived in it when I was 13.

I was here for one purpose. To open the door for my amazing Mom so she can chose whether to go through or not. All I will say is tears were the most words I could get out. My Bro and his wife were proxy for my Grandparents and I was a proxy for my Mom. I felt her there. It was profound.

I was also at conference session Sat. morning when President M announced our temple. Truly a memory moment. I hope by the time it is built I can be a worker there! Way to cool for words.
I have shopped and I have dropped.

I have listened to some incredible talks on everything I needed to hear and wished others might understand but mostly I have been moved by all of this weekend to be better.

Those weekends I love.

Open Doors

Two years ago today, I said goodbye to the most influential person of my life. Though I knew she would be leaving her unexpected haste still leaves me aching. She was supposed to say around for a little longer to let me know how to end or begin my story.

Her departure has left a massive crater in my life. One that will never be filled. It just remains empty and painful.

To the WWW.

2 Years ago today my mother passed away from the Big C.
She is irreplaceable.

She is missed.

I did her temple work yesterday. I felt her there!

Neal A. Maxwell

A vital, personal question for each of us, therefore, is, “Are we steadily becoming what gospel doctrines are designed to help us become?” Or are we merely rich inheritors of an immense treasure trove of truth but poor investors in the process of personal development so essential to discipleship? ~ Neal A Maxwell

When I attended BYU I never signed up for the "popular" religion classes with the "flowered and enthusiastic" professors. I searched out the small classes when discussion became a vital part to the learning and "visual aids" were the prof writing on the blackboards. Sorry, no whiteboards back then.


The lessons I learned in those classes were essential to my well being throughout my life so far. I remember where, in my Religions of the World class, the professor didn't focus on what was wrong with the other religions but what was right and the good that they were doing. An honest an open discussion of all the theologies was always my most favorite learning style.


What I learned that semester has carried me and allowed me to have some of the best interactions with others about their religions. I never got anything lower that an 'A' in my religion classes not because I tried so hard but because in the listening it just sunk right in.


I have such a keen understanding of some of the most basic of principals of the gospel. I think the thing I loved most about all of this was that hardly any time was ever invested in the classes with argumentative discussion or ever wasted to know those truths that just don't have answers yet.


In the exposure to Anti Mormon literature, nothing surprises me, because I already knew by being in these weird classes. You would be amazed at the people that were part of this. Average, easy going, intelligent and content Zoobies who just loved the gospel in a very simple way.


If you take out all the expectations, demands and rules and just look at what this gospel has to offer it can bring an incredible amount of peace. I don't, however, believe we hold any kind of monopoly on happiness. My daughters CRINGE when Mormons bear their testimonies and say how sad they feel for those who have never felt happiness because they don't have the gospel. I have to say, I know a lot of very content, congenial, generally happy non-members and I know an equal amount of very unhappy members. Its an oxymoron I know, but I have no answers to offer on this except one.


I am Mormon because this gospel works for me. I have no expectations of anyone around me who must feel as I do. My life and the smile on my face should witness this great testimony and draw others to ask, why? I hope someday to serve a mission. I am not sure about proselytizing, but definitely service. My girls know this is what I have planned for part of my future. I believe they honor that choice because they know it has been in my wishes since I was a young women.


I know they will support my choice as I have, in turn, honored their choices knowing that the plan of salvation gives them the right to make them.


I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for great, amazing kids who I love so very much. My hope is that I will always be an integral part of their lives and that they will always know, I WILL LOVE THEM ALWAYS UNCONDITIONALLY because that is what is ingrained in my nurturing instinct as a Mom.


K, K, K & D, I LOVE YOU! :0)