Life Lesson #23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
When I first started working in the quilt shop there was a buzz about this “purple hat society”. Women would come in and talk about being “different” and try really hard to not conform when in fact, because of a poem, they were conforming anyhow. I always got a bit of a giggle out of that.
So, I found the poem, read it; and then realized that the poet herself (?) was celebrating the idea that in old age the gloves are off. You get to discover who and what you are and not be abiding to the cultural rules in place. It was as if by virtue of age you could excuse anything. It reminded me of Grandma Florrie. Oh how I loved that woman. She was a frisky old gal who lived alone until she was almost 95. She cheated at cards and her favorite saying was; “wherever though be’st, let the wind blow free’st”. I still laugh when I think about it. When I say she cheated she did it unabashedly so. She didn’t care if you knew and her excuse was always her age, or that she couldn’t see or “WHAT????” she would say, pretending not to hear. It still makes me laugh even now.
She wore wigs, four or five different ones and she loved it when you tried them on. My brother served a mission in her ward and when he was over at her apartment she had all four missionaries put the wigs on and take pictures. She was spry and feisty and never held back her opinion. She had a good sense of people and I am very happy that I never had to lose her in the divorce because she died before it happened. I have a daughter that I see so much of her in. As much as she wants to shed the S in her, having Grandma F flowing through her is like having a reason to love and enjoy all life as to offer.
We spend so much of our time trying so hard to fit in. I have to admit I spent much of my life doing just that. I would be so upset over the stupidest things and when I think about it now, what a trifling waste of my time. What I would give to take it back and just know myself well enough to be okay with who I was.
I have always admired those who walked to their own drum beat as long as that beat wasn’t being beaten over the head of anyone else. I had a friend in high school. She was amazing. She optimized everything I wanted to be. Tall – which of course was never going to be in my future, casual, cool, easy going and she swaggered like no one I knew. It never mattered what others thought, she sensed her own value and I admired that so much. Boys ached for her attention, girls wanted to be her friend and she could never have been labeled as anything but eccentric. She taught me about FUNK music and Jimmy Hendrix and skiing outside the boundaries. I owe a lot to her and her example.
So here I am 30 plus years later and I finally get her. She knew happy derived within her. I have that now. I listen to my music, as crazy as it is, and I drive to nowhere just cus I can and I love the most transparent man I know who has no problem telling someone that they have “one friggin long hair hanging out ya nose” to a person he has never met before because he’d rather speak the truth then worry about what other people thought. It’s crazy but I am now grooving, quite literally, to my own beat and lovin’ it.
I can truly say now that I don’t really care what others think of me cus what matters is what my family thinks of me and were pretty cool with the whole dysfunction thing. I mean, as my Mom used to say. “I put the FUN in dysfunction! When I say this I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about people, I simply don’t care about judgments. It’s different and if you know that they you understand me.
So here’s my personal mantra for the month of April.
People that mind don’t matter and people that matter don’t mind! Thank-you Dr. Suess for those great words of wisdom and all the rest. I mean come on, how great is “Green Eggs and Ham”!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
# 22 Gone Too Soon
Life Lesson # 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
I would never, in my entire life, have ever been able to be referred to as “anal”, type “A” or a “high achiever”. I think I was a solid yellow or an ISTJ for much of my adult life and just recently, in the last 5 – 8 years grounded myself enough to put some white, blue, and please, not even a touch of red whatsoever into those personality equations.
I have learned though to really find ways to be better prepared throughout this growing time in my life. I was taught it from the best natural teacher I know; my Mom.
Mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early 2002. I think she had sensed that this was to be her fate, she was always practical and well, she knew the consequences of her actions and more than anything else, she never made excuses. We used to joke with her when she was placed on oxygen about blowing up if she ever lit a match. Somehow, she found the irony of her situation and found the humor too. I loved her for that.
There is one thing that I am in great debt to her for. It was a scenario game we would play as she was in the hospital during those last few months. My life was in utter chaos. There wasn’t a part of it that wasn’t in upheaval and Mom knew she was running out of time. I had the morning shift which meant that each morning I would go to Timmy’s: pick up her favorite things, and then head to the hospital. She usually wanted to have a shower which she was to weak to handle on her own and the nurses, overburdened as they were, gladly let me help her. It was a bonding ritual too beautiful for words. She had cared for me in my first months on this earth. It was as if life was coming full circle and I was repaying the debt.
Afterwards, she would be tired but she never wanted a wasted moment to go by. Between the haze of the painkillers and quiet of the room we started to play the game “what are you going to when?”
It started out simple, like, what are you going to when I’m not around to help you with your girls? Then it went to; what are you going to do when your divorce goes through? Then through the month and a little bit we hit everything that she could possibly come at me with and she gave me her thoughts, ideas and expectations. We didn’t get to finish, she died unexpectedly from a complication of the chemotherapy but we did cover quite a lot. It’s funny, as each new situation comes in my life it’s like she’s there sharing her thoughts and guiding me. It’s ironic how right on she was to predict certain things. She grilled me on what my expectations out of life were and then she leveled with me her expectations of me.
I remember waiting in the bridal room at the place where W and I married. Everyone had gone downstairs and I was by myself. I wasn’t scared but my heart just ached for her. I missed her so much and desperately wanted her there with me to share my joy. We had talked about that very moment and she told me she would do everything in her power to be with me. The room was quiet and I bowed my head in gratitude for having such a wonderful man come into our lives and forever improve the journey we were on. It only took a moment but I knew, I absolutely knew she was with me and that she was happy for me.
You can prepare a thousand ways for every inevitable circumstance you life will have but nothing is ever set in stone. In every way Mom could she tried to fit all that she needed me to know and understand into the short span before she left this world too soon. What she never realized was that her very example was preparation enough for me to know how to be a woman of integrity and grace and besides all the shared wisdom that she gave me, her example now completes me and guides me to a destiny of matriachal wholeness. I hope someday my daughters will allow me the same honor and that I can pass her wisdom to them.
I would never, in my entire life, have ever been able to be referred to as “anal”, type “A” or a “high achiever”. I think I was a solid yellow or an ISTJ for much of my adult life and just recently, in the last 5 – 8 years grounded myself enough to put some white, blue, and please, not even a touch of red whatsoever into those personality equations.
I have learned though to really find ways to be better prepared throughout this growing time in my life. I was taught it from the best natural teacher I know; my Mom.
Mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early 2002. I think she had sensed that this was to be her fate, she was always practical and well, she knew the consequences of her actions and more than anything else, she never made excuses. We used to joke with her when she was placed on oxygen about blowing up if she ever lit a match. Somehow, she found the irony of her situation and found the humor too. I loved her for that.
There is one thing that I am in great debt to her for. It was a scenario game we would play as she was in the hospital during those last few months. My life was in utter chaos. There wasn’t a part of it that wasn’t in upheaval and Mom knew she was running out of time. I had the morning shift which meant that each morning I would go to Timmy’s: pick up her favorite things, and then head to the hospital. She usually wanted to have a shower which she was to weak to handle on her own and the nurses, overburdened as they were, gladly let me help her. It was a bonding ritual too beautiful for words. She had cared for me in my first months on this earth. It was as if life was coming full circle and I was repaying the debt.
Afterwards, she would be tired but she never wanted a wasted moment to go by. Between the haze of the painkillers and quiet of the room we started to play the game “what are you going to when?”
It started out simple, like, what are you going to when I’m not around to help you with your girls? Then it went to; what are you going to do when your divorce goes through? Then through the month and a little bit we hit everything that she could possibly come at me with and she gave me her thoughts, ideas and expectations. We didn’t get to finish, she died unexpectedly from a complication of the chemotherapy but we did cover quite a lot. It’s funny, as each new situation comes in my life it’s like she’s there sharing her thoughts and guiding me. It’s ironic how right on she was to predict certain things. She grilled me on what my expectations out of life were and then she leveled with me her expectations of me.
I remember waiting in the bridal room at the place where W and I married. Everyone had gone downstairs and I was by myself. I wasn’t scared but my heart just ached for her. I missed her so much and desperately wanted her there with me to share my joy. We had talked about that very moment and she told me she would do everything in her power to be with me. The room was quiet and I bowed my head in gratitude for having such a wonderful man come into our lives and forever improve the journey we were on. It only took a moment but I knew, I absolutely knew she was with me and that she was happy for me.
You can prepare a thousand ways for every inevitable circumstance you life will have but nothing is ever set in stone. In every way Mom could she tried to fit all that she needed me to know and understand into the short span before she left this world too soon. What she never realized was that her very example was preparation enough for me to know how to be a woman of integrity and grace and besides all the shared wisdom that she gave me, her example now completes me and guides me to a destiny of matriachal wholeness. I hope someday my daughters will allow me the same honor and that I can pass her wisdom to them.
I miss her so much.
“Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.” ~ Billy Graham
“Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.” ~ Billy Graham
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Pieces of My Soul
Picture by Chase Diaz
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” ~ unknown
I believe that one of the side effects of all that I have been through and all that I love is that I tend to look unceasingly into my life and over analyze so much of it. I find truths and wisdoms and life lessons and shelve them in my soul so as to remember, “oh yeah, that hurts when I do that”, or “right, I love that”. But mostly I have to be careful not to get caught up.
Let me explain;
I have such a deep sense of the “Proclamation of the Family”. I have lived both lives and have been a caretaker for my family and the sole financial supporter. What I would give to be back home and be the homemaker again. I miss it so much but my reality is that I made choices that preclude that from being my life. It’s a simple equation. Divorce does not equal “stay at home” Mom. The reality is, as honorable as a man may think he is, when he gets divorced he doesn’t really care if you are at home with his kids or not, he will complain, (at least most men do) of the support he needs to pay and the courts will enforce your half of the financial responsibility of your children whether you feel it is right or not. The world is not in keeping with the family as the church sees it and expound as the General Authorities do to men understanding the need for them to step up, most men will only meet only the minimum the law requires and still find reasons to complain.
In my case, the financial involvement was so caustic (the last place he could try an exercise control) that the only solution was to take nothing which he gladly agreed too. The price of emotional freedom was well worth it and the sacrifices I make are equally so. The Lord has blessed me a hundred fold through out and I am ever grateful for it but here lies the rub.
Being in the world as a working women forever felt like I was giving a piece of my soul away each day I entered downtown. As much as I have no choice in working because of choices I have made previously the culture of the working world ebbs away like the corrosion of a river bed on the caregiver and women that weeps within me. My divine role is second to the role left to me to meet the financial needs of my children. Though I find great satisfaction in doing a good job, and even with the esteem building that happens by the praise of a job well done there is always a piece of my soul that feels at odds with the divine role I yearn for. The truths here and please understand this, are that this is my perspective and in no way should reflect on what I believe all women should feel. This is my paradigm. This is my world and my vision of it.
There is coldness in the working world that best suits the logical and heartless attributes that a man can bring forward for this environment. A man with attitude and drive is called progressive and assertive; a woman with the same is known as a bitch and is generally hated. Same qualities, different gender. The women I know who have made it to management and executive positions have done so having two personas. The one, working woman who is cold and removed and the second, a side they let few people see of warmth, compassion, and understanding. It’s hard because I admire these women so much, I don’t know how they balance it. I know it’s something I probably could never do.
Working at home is exhausting. Being a mother that stays at home is not easy work either. Sick days don’t happen and the job is 24/7. Put also into play the “perfection” factor that can be an aspect of the culture I am a part of and wow, things get difficult. When I compare my 20 years of home to my almost 10 of working I still can’t decide which is more difficult excepting when you are a single parent and you essentially are both, that is the hardest life for sure; hands down.
So what am I on about?
I felt for a long time that with each journey to the core, each day I worked, I left a piece of my soul there. I was letting the hassle and bustle, the non caring bumper car mentality of the congestion that is downtown get to me. I was slowly losing the nice that was a part of me. I was being overtaken by the injustice of having to work and forego the divine role I yearned for and it was eating me up alive. All the good that was happening, the emotional repair I was preceding through was silently being erased by the conforming to a mentality of selfish disregard that defines the downtown core. I had to find a balance in a world that frowned on its approach. What could I do?
It started simply, with prayer. I would board the train and find a seat, if I was lucky, and I would have my morning prayer. It seemed to take me to a zone of comfort and helped me to contend with an overcrowded pushy environment. I zoned out the congestion and concentrated on those things that I was thankful for. That was another component. My prayers lost the requests and focused solely on gratitude. I did this on the trip home as well. One day, I looked around and there around me, here, there, scattered throughout the car were others who no doubt were doing the same thing whether you call it meditating or communing and yes, there were others who were simply asleep but all of us had found coping mechanisms that were working. This helped immensely.
I started to walk at lunch. First it was about 3 km’s and then 5kms and then I got to 7kms. I love walking in downtown through the Princess Island Park and along the river. The atmosphere is electric and during the summer when the buskers and promoters are there, it gets absolutely fascinating. I tried walking with an Ipod but I couldn’t think and process. I have learned that this time is my self talk session. I work through so much during these walks. The unfortunate thing about this is my Asthma precludes walking about ½ the year. It sucks, literally!
When I can’t walk I have started to pick up books to fill that time. I read and have sought inspiration through words and have found solace in them. I would sometimes read on the train too but mostly I chose to find peace where peace is hard to find. It hasn’t changed the environment it simply changed the Zen of my approach to it. I can’t change others, things, or cultural mentalities but what I can do is change me.
I had a long talk with W this weekend. I had a moment and he was able to help. In the aftermath I told him of my heart and how I felt but what I know and what I explained was that as much as he loves me and wants to care for me, the responsibility of my children lays with me. He would step in, he already has once before but this isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. I was asked by not just one person when they found out when I got engaged when I was going to quit work but by a number of people. The answer is simple. Not until D is out of college and W and my future is secure. It may take some time but W has added one more aspect to the coping of a world I don’t seem to fit to well in. He is a reprieve at the end of my day.
I only have W on the weekends now. He isn’t moving up full time until the second week of May. I work for Friday when I can get home and feel the security of his embrace and the warmth of his support. Every once in a while I get a Wednesday too. I love those Wednesdays. The world may not be what I thought it would have been 30 years ago or even dreamed of but the world I have now is wonderful and truly a gift. It is the dream I am making it. I love my journey!
Let me explain;
I have such a deep sense of the “Proclamation of the Family”. I have lived both lives and have been a caretaker for my family and the sole financial supporter. What I would give to be back home and be the homemaker again. I miss it so much but my reality is that I made choices that preclude that from being my life. It’s a simple equation. Divorce does not equal “stay at home” Mom. The reality is, as honorable as a man may think he is, when he gets divorced he doesn’t really care if you are at home with his kids or not, he will complain, (at least most men do) of the support he needs to pay and the courts will enforce your half of the financial responsibility of your children whether you feel it is right or not. The world is not in keeping with the family as the church sees it and expound as the General Authorities do to men understanding the need for them to step up, most men will only meet only the minimum the law requires and still find reasons to complain.
In my case, the financial involvement was so caustic (the last place he could try an exercise control) that the only solution was to take nothing which he gladly agreed too. The price of emotional freedom was well worth it and the sacrifices I make are equally so. The Lord has blessed me a hundred fold through out and I am ever grateful for it but here lies the rub.
Being in the world as a working women forever felt like I was giving a piece of my soul away each day I entered downtown. As much as I have no choice in working because of choices I have made previously the culture of the working world ebbs away like the corrosion of a river bed on the caregiver and women that weeps within me. My divine role is second to the role left to me to meet the financial needs of my children. Though I find great satisfaction in doing a good job, and even with the esteem building that happens by the praise of a job well done there is always a piece of my soul that feels at odds with the divine role I yearn for. The truths here and please understand this, are that this is my perspective and in no way should reflect on what I believe all women should feel. This is my paradigm. This is my world and my vision of it.
There is coldness in the working world that best suits the logical and heartless attributes that a man can bring forward for this environment. A man with attitude and drive is called progressive and assertive; a woman with the same is known as a bitch and is generally hated. Same qualities, different gender. The women I know who have made it to management and executive positions have done so having two personas. The one, working woman who is cold and removed and the second, a side they let few people see of warmth, compassion, and understanding. It’s hard because I admire these women so much, I don’t know how they balance it. I know it’s something I probably could never do.
Working at home is exhausting. Being a mother that stays at home is not easy work either. Sick days don’t happen and the job is 24/7. Put also into play the “perfection” factor that can be an aspect of the culture I am a part of and wow, things get difficult. When I compare my 20 years of home to my almost 10 of working I still can’t decide which is more difficult excepting when you are a single parent and you essentially are both, that is the hardest life for sure; hands down.
So what am I on about?
I felt for a long time that with each journey to the core, each day I worked, I left a piece of my soul there. I was letting the hassle and bustle, the non caring bumper car mentality of the congestion that is downtown get to me. I was slowly losing the nice that was a part of me. I was being overtaken by the injustice of having to work and forego the divine role I yearned for and it was eating me up alive. All the good that was happening, the emotional repair I was preceding through was silently being erased by the conforming to a mentality of selfish disregard that defines the downtown core. I had to find a balance in a world that frowned on its approach. What could I do?
It started simply, with prayer. I would board the train and find a seat, if I was lucky, and I would have my morning prayer. It seemed to take me to a zone of comfort and helped me to contend with an overcrowded pushy environment. I zoned out the congestion and concentrated on those things that I was thankful for. That was another component. My prayers lost the requests and focused solely on gratitude. I did this on the trip home as well. One day, I looked around and there around me, here, there, scattered throughout the car were others who no doubt were doing the same thing whether you call it meditating or communing and yes, there were others who were simply asleep but all of us had found coping mechanisms that were working. This helped immensely.
I started to walk at lunch. First it was about 3 km’s and then 5kms and then I got to 7kms. I love walking in downtown through the Princess Island Park and along the river. The atmosphere is electric and during the summer when the buskers and promoters are there, it gets absolutely fascinating. I tried walking with an Ipod but I couldn’t think and process. I have learned that this time is my self talk session. I work through so much during these walks. The unfortunate thing about this is my Asthma precludes walking about ½ the year. It sucks, literally!
When I can’t walk I have started to pick up books to fill that time. I read and have sought inspiration through words and have found solace in them. I would sometimes read on the train too but mostly I chose to find peace where peace is hard to find. It hasn’t changed the environment it simply changed the Zen of my approach to it. I can’t change others, things, or cultural mentalities but what I can do is change me.
I had a long talk with W this weekend. I had a moment and he was able to help. In the aftermath I told him of my heart and how I felt but what I know and what I explained was that as much as he loves me and wants to care for me, the responsibility of my children lays with me. He would step in, he already has once before but this isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. I was asked by not just one person when they found out when I got engaged when I was going to quit work but by a number of people. The answer is simple. Not until D is out of college and W and my future is secure. It may take some time but W has added one more aspect to the coping of a world I don’t seem to fit to well in. He is a reprieve at the end of my day.
I only have W on the weekends now. He isn’t moving up full time until the second week of May. I work for Friday when I can get home and feel the security of his embrace and the warmth of his support. Every once in a while I get a Wednesday too. I love those Wednesdays. The world may not be what I thought it would have been 30 years ago or even dreamed of but the world I have now is wonderful and truly a gift. It is the dream I am making it. I love my journey!
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
# 21 Some Like It Hot!
Life Lesson #21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
LOL, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to tackle this one. Now that I have been married for a while I think I can speak from a better place than I have ever been before.
I used to envy my friends whose husbands adored them. I watched as they laughed and giggled about the things girls talk about sometimes. No worries fellows, no details spill. Girls are like that.
I remember a friend talking about how “randy” her husband would get even when he was sick and how much he would tell her he loved her and meant it because he always followed it up with actions. They used to laugh about how they had to work around the kids and be as discreet as they could only to be horrified that their kids would joke about it with their friends. Little did they know that it was a badge of honor for a teenager to have “randy” parents.
While I was at college I dated a guy who had some of the funniest stories. He told me one about when he was 17 and his father was the Bishop of his ward. They had a pool in their front yard, it was a Vancouver thing, and he had gone to one of the church dances. It was a hot summer night and the dance was pretty lame so he packed his parent’s station wagon (no mini vans back then) and a couple of other cars with his friends to rendezvous at his house for a pool party. Everyone was so stoked. All three cars pulled into the front drive at once (his house was surrounded by a large cedar hedge), and his car went silent. He proceeded to jump out of the car only to be met by his dad’s booming voice. “P, could you please take your friends and go to 7-11 for about 5 minutes while your mother and I get out of the pool”. Yup, you guessed it, Bishop and his wife were skinny dipping and nearly all the ward kids caught them! As P told me that story, he told it with great pride and I could understand why. I am pretty sure all the kid’s in the ward were thinking it was pretty cool as well.
I have friends who were determined that in my next marriage, things were definitely going to improve for me in the regard, shoot; I think my girls were of the same opinion. My good friend threatened to take my new husband aside to insure that he would be knowledgeable enough. As the big day came, and my girlfriend hadn’t had a chance to meet W yet, I worried because I knew that she would do exactly what she said. She was late for the wedding and finally met W after the ceremony and true to her word; it was the first sentence out of her mouth. This is the part I love, W calmly assured her that he indeed knew everything she thought he needed to for me to have a much improved sex life.(Sorry, no other way to put it) I think when you see the laughing pictures at our wedding it was around about that moment when they took them. I love G and K for their concern for me but they can put those concerns to rest. All is well.
W is the kindest man I know and who would have ever guessed that kindness could be such an aphrodisiac? We’ve had our candlelit dinners, I have good sheets on the bed ALL THE TIME, and poor W still doesn’t know what hit him. Poor D, his friends tease him all the time and yes, he has even had to talk to us. We really are trying to be discreet! D laughed once he was done so I think, in time, he’s going to understand how lucky he is to have his Mom so happy. My greatest fear was the example I have set previously for my kids. That is changing.
The downside – the kids want us to get a hot tub and we are seriously thinking about it. The only codicil would have to be; enter at your own risk because it may be occupied and it may be “clothing optional” on our behalves. Yup, when we told them that, they were a bit grossed out and promised to call before they came over!
LOL, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to tackle this one. Now that I have been married for a while I think I can speak from a better place than I have ever been before.
I used to envy my friends whose husbands adored them. I watched as they laughed and giggled about the things girls talk about sometimes. No worries fellows, no details spill. Girls are like that.
I remember a friend talking about how “randy” her husband would get even when he was sick and how much he would tell her he loved her and meant it because he always followed it up with actions. They used to laugh about how they had to work around the kids and be as discreet as they could only to be horrified that their kids would joke about it with their friends. Little did they know that it was a badge of honor for a teenager to have “randy” parents.
While I was at college I dated a guy who had some of the funniest stories. He told me one about when he was 17 and his father was the Bishop of his ward. They had a pool in their front yard, it was a Vancouver thing, and he had gone to one of the church dances. It was a hot summer night and the dance was pretty lame so he packed his parent’s station wagon (no mini vans back then) and a couple of other cars with his friends to rendezvous at his house for a pool party. Everyone was so stoked. All three cars pulled into the front drive at once (his house was surrounded by a large cedar hedge), and his car went silent. He proceeded to jump out of the car only to be met by his dad’s booming voice. “P, could you please take your friends and go to 7-11 for about 5 minutes while your mother and I get out of the pool”. Yup, you guessed it, Bishop and his wife were skinny dipping and nearly all the ward kids caught them! As P told me that story, he told it with great pride and I could understand why. I am pretty sure all the kid’s in the ward were thinking it was pretty cool as well.
I have friends who were determined that in my next marriage, things were definitely going to improve for me in the regard, shoot; I think my girls were of the same opinion. My good friend threatened to take my new husband aside to insure that he would be knowledgeable enough. As the big day came, and my girlfriend hadn’t had a chance to meet W yet, I worried because I knew that she would do exactly what she said. She was late for the wedding and finally met W after the ceremony and true to her word; it was the first sentence out of her mouth. This is the part I love, W calmly assured her that he indeed knew everything she thought he needed to for me to have a much improved sex life.(Sorry, no other way to put it) I think when you see the laughing pictures at our wedding it was around about that moment when they took them. I love G and K for their concern for me but they can put those concerns to rest. All is well.
W is the kindest man I know and who would have ever guessed that kindness could be such an aphrodisiac? We’ve had our candlelit dinners, I have good sheets on the bed ALL THE TIME, and poor W still doesn’t know what hit him. Poor D, his friends tease him all the time and yes, he has even had to talk to us. We really are trying to be discreet! D laughed once he was done so I think, in time, he’s going to understand how lucky he is to have his Mom so happy. My greatest fear was the example I have set previously for my kids. That is changing.
The downside – the kids want us to get a hot tub and we are seriously thinking about it. The only codicil would have to be; enter at your own risk because it may be occupied and it may be “clothing optional” on our behalves. Yup, when we told them that, they were a bit grossed out and promised to call before they came over!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
#20 Go For It
Life Lesson #20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
When I was in grade 11, I studied the great Shakespearean play “Romeo and Juliet”. Now, I was a bit of an English geek and so the complexities of Shakespeare fascinated me. This play has so many standards of alteration all of which became defined by the experience the reader was having at that moment in their lives. For me, a precious virginal Mormon girl; it was heavenly.
Juliet represented all the angst of my youth. She was free spirited and loved the adventure and in the end, she died the most tragic of deaths for love. I fell hook line and sinker and began my quest for my Romeo.
“Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?”
I soon became aware that Romeo may not be all that love would have to offer. Love was so complex and multi faceted that to simply believe that love for a Romeo would be enough just wasn’t enough for me. We grow out through love in so many areas of our souls. I learned that loving someone is important, but loving life and the journey, all that this earth experience has to offer, will allow you to mature into a healthy human being. Maturity soon defined love and my quest began to change. I finally understood those couples who had been married 30, 40, 50 and even 60 years. It didn’t have to be perfect, just forgiving.
My love advice is simple – first; love you. Find the reason that getting up in the morning is important. Once you do that, it enables you to more fully love others around you. Master loving them and then the fun begins. You learn to love life and all that it offers. Once life is a joyful journey, you soon learn to seek after all that brings you hope and peace. And before you know it, you are hooked. You will find those activities and be with those people who define the statement, “Joy in the Journey!” and one day, you’ll just know – You are Happy!
When I was in grade 11, I studied the great Shakespearean play “Romeo and Juliet”. Now, I was a bit of an English geek and so the complexities of Shakespeare fascinated me. This play has so many standards of alteration all of which became defined by the experience the reader was having at that moment in their lives. For me, a precious virginal Mormon girl; it was heavenly.
Juliet represented all the angst of my youth. She was free spirited and loved the adventure and in the end, she died the most tragic of deaths for love. I fell hook line and sinker and began my quest for my Romeo.
“Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?”
I soon became aware that Romeo may not be all that love would have to offer. Love was so complex and multi faceted that to simply believe that love for a Romeo would be enough just wasn’t enough for me. We grow out through love in so many areas of our souls. I learned that loving someone is important, but loving life and the journey, all that this earth experience has to offer, will allow you to mature into a healthy human being. Maturity soon defined love and my quest began to change. I finally understood those couples who had been married 30, 40, 50 and even 60 years. It didn’t have to be perfect, just forgiving.
My love advice is simple – first; love you. Find the reason that getting up in the morning is important. Once you do that, it enables you to more fully love others around you. Master loving them and then the fun begins. You learn to love life and all that it offers. Once life is a joyful journey, you soon learn to seek after all that brings you hope and peace. And before you know it, you are hooked. You will find those activities and be with those people who define the statement, “Joy in the Journey!” and one day, you’ll just know – You are Happy!
#19 Never Too Late
Life Lesson #19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When Michael Jackson died I ached for all that was lost to the world. He was, above all else a genius, who lost the most fundamental part of life, those years when, as we grow, we are free of the burdens and hardships of adulthood and simply just grow without burden. (Of course that’s the best case scenario there) I doubt we will ever truly know to what extent the abuse and turmoil of his what his early life left on him but what we do know is that the damage was real and horrible and that for the remainder of his life he simply sought out what was missed. He just wanted his childhood back.
I have no real complaints to my childhood. I had a great Mom, a somewhat absent but great Dad and wonderful grandparents. It was full and happy and great memories flood back as I recall all that was at my fingertips. I have often wondered if it would have been much different if my parents hadn’t have joined the church or if my father had been around but for the most part I am completely content with how I grew up.
Something about my healing that I treasure is the concept of letting go. To release the tension and anger of the past and chose each day to be a new one, free of the encumbrances of the past and able to redefine for yourself the meaning of now. This moment is perfect, untouched and ready for your life print to give it memory. It is your choice to its attitude and now, thanks to the help of some pretty amazing people, my life prints are wonderful.
Knowing that each moment is mine to own and each passing day is a memory to fill with happiness has forged me ahead and let the healing be complete. I love my life, warts and all, and without the past I would have no way of knowing how to avoid the pitfalls that would ensnare me into the circle of anger or discontent now. What a wonderful journey this earth life is.
I owe my parents a great debt for allowing me to be a child for as long as they did and also for allowing me to be grown and responsible when the time came. I still very much cling to the hope that there will always be happiness because I know now where that happiness is derived. Finding that out releases anxiety and brings understand to the concept of child-like.
When Michael Jackson died I ached for all that was lost to the world. He was, above all else a genius, who lost the most fundamental part of life, those years when, as we grow, we are free of the burdens and hardships of adulthood and simply just grow without burden. (Of course that’s the best case scenario there) I doubt we will ever truly know to what extent the abuse and turmoil of his what his early life left on him but what we do know is that the damage was real and horrible and that for the remainder of his life he simply sought out what was missed. He just wanted his childhood back.
I have no real complaints to my childhood. I had a great Mom, a somewhat absent but great Dad and wonderful grandparents. It was full and happy and great memories flood back as I recall all that was at my fingertips. I have often wondered if it would have been much different if my parents hadn’t have joined the church or if my father had been around but for the most part I am completely content with how I grew up.
Something about my healing that I treasure is the concept of letting go. To release the tension and anger of the past and chose each day to be a new one, free of the encumbrances of the past and able to redefine for yourself the meaning of now. This moment is perfect, untouched and ready for your life print to give it memory. It is your choice to its attitude and now, thanks to the help of some pretty amazing people, my life prints are wonderful.
Knowing that each moment is mine to own and each passing day is a memory to fill with happiness has forged me ahead and let the healing be complete. I love my life, warts and all, and without the past I would have no way of knowing how to avoid the pitfalls that would ensnare me into the circle of anger or discontent now. What a wonderful journey this earth life is.
I owe my parents a great debt for allowing me to be a child for as long as they did and also for allowing me to be grown and responsible when the time came. I still very much cling to the hope that there will always be happiness because I know now where that happiness is derived. Finding that out releases anxiety and brings understand to the concept of child-like.
# 18 Stronger
Life Lesson #18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
My Mom used to say this to me, right in the middle of some terrible ordeal. She would give the lecture about how blessed I must have been seeing how God had all these tremendous trials fro me to go through. I remember the moment I thought this ideology was just a bunch of hogwash to make people feel okay about their chaotic and destructive lives and then gave people an excuse to just let the chaos continue because, after all, they were such a blessed and sacred people.
It was as if the irony of life was overwhelming me and I became bitter about the very thought of any trial being of value. This lesson only comes with age and the wisdom that time allows. You will never fully grasp the concept that “through all things I give thee experience”, until many things have passed through you.
There are some trials that will bring you to your very knees and those of us who have felt them know, in the end, they don’t kill you and in fact they do make you stronger. This inner core strength is what gives age it’s wisdom and what makes a parent wiser than their child. It falls to timing and placement and as long as you are older and mentally healthy you are in fact wiser and can serve as assistance to though just learning the ropes. Wisdom comes with age and with the knowledge that you have seen it before brings to light the saying that hindsight is in fact 20/20.
For teenagers who truly believe that there parents have no clue, comes the simple request to ask them; were their parents not teenagers at one time? Or as young parents, newly weds, all aspects of life, are those you hold so dear not traveling that path ahead of you? They don’t have all the answers but they do have the wisdom or at least the insight to possible solutions because time and experience has allowed that. They trod the path before you; they know it and can give you wisdom and insight to the difficult terrain. Here’s where parents get it wrong though. They believe their paths are the only path; their ways the only ways; their decisions the only right ones. The truth is, sometimes they aren’t and a wise parent will understand here, more than anywhere else, the plan of salvation and its purpose in ours and everyone else’s lives.
When our children make different choices; that is okay. When we make different choices than what our parents wanted for us, which too was okay. One path is not always the correct one. I may make divergent cross roads my path and yet, in the end, we all really do come to the same end point; we die. Here is the kicker, when we die, we don’t judge each other, God judges us and I am pretty sure his criteria is going to be a lot different than those people who feel the need to judge so critically here. Thanks goodness.
So the old adage is true, that which doesn’t kill us does in fact make us stronger. Life is so good and without the bumps and bruises it simply wouldn’t be as much fun. Garnish the insight from you parents and others to make the journey easier but recognize always that the journey itself will always be yours to take. Enjoy!
My Mom used to say this to me, right in the middle of some terrible ordeal. She would give the lecture about how blessed I must have been seeing how God had all these tremendous trials fro me to go through. I remember the moment I thought this ideology was just a bunch of hogwash to make people feel okay about their chaotic and destructive lives and then gave people an excuse to just let the chaos continue because, after all, they were such a blessed and sacred people.
It was as if the irony of life was overwhelming me and I became bitter about the very thought of any trial being of value. This lesson only comes with age and the wisdom that time allows. You will never fully grasp the concept that “through all things I give thee experience”, until many things have passed through you.
There are some trials that will bring you to your very knees and those of us who have felt them know, in the end, they don’t kill you and in fact they do make you stronger. This inner core strength is what gives age it’s wisdom and what makes a parent wiser than their child. It falls to timing and placement and as long as you are older and mentally healthy you are in fact wiser and can serve as assistance to though just learning the ropes. Wisdom comes with age and with the knowledge that you have seen it before brings to light the saying that hindsight is in fact 20/20.
For teenagers who truly believe that there parents have no clue, comes the simple request to ask them; were their parents not teenagers at one time? Or as young parents, newly weds, all aspects of life, are those you hold so dear not traveling that path ahead of you? They don’t have all the answers but they do have the wisdom or at least the insight to possible solutions because time and experience has allowed that. They trod the path before you; they know it and can give you wisdom and insight to the difficult terrain. Here’s where parents get it wrong though. They believe their paths are the only path; their ways the only ways; their decisions the only right ones. The truth is, sometimes they aren’t and a wise parent will understand here, more than anywhere else, the plan of salvation and its purpose in ours and everyone else’s lives.
When our children make different choices; that is okay. When we make different choices than what our parents wanted for us, which too was okay. One path is not always the correct one. I may make divergent cross roads my path and yet, in the end, we all really do come to the same end point; we die. Here is the kicker, when we die, we don’t judge each other, God judges us and I am pretty sure his criteria is going to be a lot different than those people who feel the need to judge so critically here. Thanks goodness.
So the old adage is true, that which doesn’t kill us does in fact make us stronger. Life is so good and without the bumps and bruises it simply wouldn’t be as much fun. Garnish the insight from you parents and others to make the journey easier but recognize always that the journey itself will always be yours to take. Enjoy!
#17 Life Lesson TO PURGE
Life Lesson # 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
Purging is such a cathartic response to moving forward. One of my favorite chores to do is to spring clean. I go room by room and I sort the items based on certain criteria. Have I worn or used it in the last year? Is it vital or meant as a memory item that will bring lasting comfort? If it isn’t meeting either of the two criteria, can it bring comfort or joy to another? If yes, then it is put into a “reuseable” sort and if not – garbage.
Ridding yourself of those items that cause stress, pain or discomfort can bring relief to your life. Items can include actual objects or metaphorical objects but purging your life of the lost necessities of it removes the clutter that can make your life more difficult. There is always order is cleanliness and this includes not only your home, and your mind but also your personal life.
Establish in your heart all that is beautiful and joyful. People as well as your own personal goals can be analyzed and find its purpose in your life. Prioritize and then purge, do not mourn the lost hope of accomplishing everything. Find reason and order and then let go of those things you may never get to but don’t matter in the grand schema of things. Life will be refreshing and easier when you know what it is exactly you can and can’t do.
Lately as I try and find balance I have come to terms with preconceived notions and thought processes long since established in my life but detrimental still the same. As I do this I am learning to find truth and honor within myself and in the letting go of wanting to be everything to everyone.
What am I on about?
Peace in your very soul that brings you to terms with your being, your integrity and that you find truths about yourself lost since fought for and then comes the realization that the truth was there all the time.
Let me give an example. I have always felt that the most important thing in any relationship is to be understood. That my opinion had validity and that I needed absolute assurance that it was important. A while back, my sis M hooked me up to a very profound concept by Stephen Covey. It’s concept five in his 7 habits of Highly Effective People. It is; “seek first to understand then to be understood.” Wow, as I read about this and brought the principal into my life it began to change the relationships I had with others and most importantly, change me.
Once I took the time to hear, to try and see what the other shoes were about, not only did I grasp those paths of the people I interacted with but I learned more about my own too. My load became lighter, my tasks easy and my relationships less strained. I found myself coming to terms with my desire to be seen as one thing to a realistic approach to myself as being the best I could be and my own analysis of my life in comparison to others. What others thought seemed to matter less and less and what I thought of others became clearer because I took the time to understand. Judgment seemed to dissipate to become a simple observance of another’s life.
My conviction to my own beliefs has increased and more so, I have looked deeply into what those very beliefs are and what I was expecting of others. My relationships have been changed because how I see things is so different now. I am surer of myself and what has resulted is a clear and ever present understanding not just of my paradigm but of those paradigms of the people most close to me. It also has allowed me to purge those people who think and want an opinion in my life but are not in the part of my circle of influence to which that right to have one exists. What surprised me was not just that once those people were purged but that my life’s expectations for others became more realistic as I followed through with this concept.
An example would be my desires for the “black and white” mentality. As convinced as I am that this is a destructive way of seeing the gospel it is the RIGHT of any individual to live that way for them. Where it becomes wrong is when it is forced on others as it would be as equally wrong for my belief of a much more liberal and “grey” approach to be forced on them. Letting go of the discontentment and truly becoming at-one with my own placement and beliefs has freed me not only from an incredible amount of destructive self talk but it has also allowed me to rid the guilt of living a life not in accordance with anyone else’s demands. I choose for myself my own destiny, no one else, and I have no control over the destiny of others. Letting go has made me an observer in the life of others and an active and balanced contributor to my own life. This is mental health at its best.
My Father in Heaven is a major part of the circle of influence in my life. I have a deep and abiding love for the gospel and for its purpose in my journey here on this earth. I have learned that the belief in the beauty of all things attainable and attributable to me lays within my own definition and that ridding the parts of my life that aren’t beautiful, aren’t joyful, aren’t peaceful lies solely in my own determination. I may think I know what’s best for another or for that matter someone may think they know what’s best for me but in the end it is only my determination that can truly know the path my life is intended for and vice versa. With God’s grace and assistance I can become anything and everything and it is I that will only know if that journey really is the one I was meant to take.
Purging is such a cathartic response to moving forward. One of my favorite chores to do is to spring clean. I go room by room and I sort the items based on certain criteria. Have I worn or used it in the last year? Is it vital or meant as a memory item that will bring lasting comfort? If it isn’t meeting either of the two criteria, can it bring comfort or joy to another? If yes, then it is put into a “reuseable” sort and if not – garbage.
Ridding yourself of those items that cause stress, pain or discomfort can bring relief to your life. Items can include actual objects or metaphorical objects but purging your life of the lost necessities of it removes the clutter that can make your life more difficult. There is always order is cleanliness and this includes not only your home, and your mind but also your personal life.
Establish in your heart all that is beautiful and joyful. People as well as your own personal goals can be analyzed and find its purpose in your life. Prioritize and then purge, do not mourn the lost hope of accomplishing everything. Find reason and order and then let go of those things you may never get to but don’t matter in the grand schema of things. Life will be refreshing and easier when you know what it is exactly you can and can’t do.
Lately as I try and find balance I have come to terms with preconceived notions and thought processes long since established in my life but detrimental still the same. As I do this I am learning to find truth and honor within myself and in the letting go of wanting to be everything to everyone.
What am I on about?
Peace in your very soul that brings you to terms with your being, your integrity and that you find truths about yourself lost since fought for and then comes the realization that the truth was there all the time.
Let me give an example. I have always felt that the most important thing in any relationship is to be understood. That my opinion had validity and that I needed absolute assurance that it was important. A while back, my sis M hooked me up to a very profound concept by Stephen Covey. It’s concept five in his 7 habits of Highly Effective People. It is; “seek first to understand then to be understood.” Wow, as I read about this and brought the principal into my life it began to change the relationships I had with others and most importantly, change me.
Once I took the time to hear, to try and see what the other shoes were about, not only did I grasp those paths of the people I interacted with but I learned more about my own too. My load became lighter, my tasks easy and my relationships less strained. I found myself coming to terms with my desire to be seen as one thing to a realistic approach to myself as being the best I could be and my own analysis of my life in comparison to others. What others thought seemed to matter less and less and what I thought of others became clearer because I took the time to understand. Judgment seemed to dissipate to become a simple observance of another’s life.
My conviction to my own beliefs has increased and more so, I have looked deeply into what those very beliefs are and what I was expecting of others. My relationships have been changed because how I see things is so different now. I am surer of myself and what has resulted is a clear and ever present understanding not just of my paradigm but of those paradigms of the people most close to me. It also has allowed me to purge those people who think and want an opinion in my life but are not in the part of my circle of influence to which that right to have one exists. What surprised me was not just that once those people were purged but that my life’s expectations for others became more realistic as I followed through with this concept.
An example would be my desires for the “black and white” mentality. As convinced as I am that this is a destructive way of seeing the gospel it is the RIGHT of any individual to live that way for them. Where it becomes wrong is when it is forced on others as it would be as equally wrong for my belief of a much more liberal and “grey” approach to be forced on them. Letting go of the discontentment and truly becoming at-one with my own placement and beliefs has freed me not only from an incredible amount of destructive self talk but it has also allowed me to rid the guilt of living a life not in accordance with anyone else’s demands. I choose for myself my own destiny, no one else, and I have no control over the destiny of others. Letting go has made me an observer in the life of others and an active and balanced contributor to my own life. This is mental health at its best.
My Father in Heaven is a major part of the circle of influence in my life. I have a deep and abiding love for the gospel and for its purpose in my journey here on this earth. I have learned that the belief in the beauty of all things attainable and attributable to me lays within my own definition and that ridding the parts of my life that aren’t beautiful, aren’t joyful, aren’t peaceful lies solely in my own determination. I may think I know what’s best for another or for that matter someone may think they know what’s best for me but in the end it is only my determination that can truly know the path my life is intended for and vice versa. With God’s grace and assistance I can become anything and everything and it is I that will only know if that journey really is the one I was meant to take.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Melody and Warmth
"There was our father, the heart we knew held all of us. Held us heavily and desperately, the doors of his heart opening and closing with the rapidity of stops on an instrument, the quiet felt closures, the ghostly fingering, practice and practice and then, incredibly, sound and melody and warmth. "— Alice Sebold (The Lovely Bones)
I saw the movie “Lovely Bones” last night. I read the book not once but twice over the past few years, the movie and the book have moved me. I am such a literate person. Since that Junior High honors English class where my recent university grad English teacher, who happened to be a “hippy” (It was the early 70’s), got us through Super Tramp “Crime of the Century” and Pink Floyd – “The Wall” by having us really search our souls to know what was being said and write about it. Since then, I have always looked deeper than the surface of the words written or spoken.
The first time I read “The Lovely Bones” I was also reading; “Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” by Mary Pipher. These two books changed the course of healing for me. I realized two things through this. One, which although my father wasn’t perfect he was genuine in his love and concern for me and that I didn’t need to wait any longer for a strong showing of his love, he gave it everyday in his own unique way and for this I was eternally grateful. Second; I also knew, that as much as I wanted my daughters to know just how immensely they were loved, I couldn’t give them one of the most important unconditional loves that is vital in each of their lives to be emotional healthy.
Throughout the movie and book Suzy’s father seems distracted and lost, almost as if, he felt responsible for her disappearance. The book relates with much more depth Suzy and her father’s bond. She reaches him every now and then and guides him to healing from her death. The irony however, is that she too is caught in the in-between because of her great love for him and her fear of her desire that he return to normalcy and to the caring of her brother and sister that were still there – in the living world. This movie and the book have moved me – I love when that happens.
Fathers play such a significant role in the mental maturity of a girl. So many barriers and obstacles are in place that makes this path not an easy one to maneuver through. Some dad’s just inherently get it while others come to it slowly. In the end though, this single relationship can make or break the self esteem of a girl/woman. I have witnessed this personally in so many ways.
Love is, to matter, an exercise in conditional release. Most fathers want to protect their daughters, they want safety and comfort for them and the methods and means by which they do this can vary greatly. Intent plays a role here, great fathers make mistakes and forgiveness is necessary sometimes. It’s a “walk in their shoes” ideology where until you really know, you can’t really understand the why’s of a person’s behavior.
Here’s my point.
I love my girls – more than anyone can ever know. Everyday I am proud of them because their shoes are mighty hard to walk in. They have overcome more than they will ever admit to and even more than they would ever want you to know and because they have, I love them even more.
I wish they could completely recognize their beauty both inside and out. I wish that they didn’t have to feel like failures sometimes because they could never measure up to the impossible measures placed on them by abuse and tyranny and most of all, I wish I could wrap their hearts with understanding that they have great value in this universe, that they truly are daughters of God.
Now, let me tell you want I know they are!
SURVIVORS!
The fact that they have come as far as they have, that their souls are as strong as they are, that they speak with strength and assurity in spite of it all is a testament to just how amazing of women they are becoming. I am proud every day of their journeys. They have brought great joy in my journey of motherhood as well. They (their brother included) have always been the greatest gifts God granted me. Their grandma JOY would be so proud!
Here’s my Plea!
Dads, love your daughters; care about them, know them, cry with them, give them boundaries and teach them by loving their mothers. By respecting both your daughter and the woman that bore her, you give them strength to endure a cruel and relentlessly unforgiving world. Above all else, when it’s the hardest thing to do, take the conditions away and show them they matter even when they don’t do exactly what you want them to. Hug them when you’re so angry at their disobedience but you can already see the price they have paid for it. And when they're so broken and feel like they are unlovable let them know they are the love that completes you and makes your world a better place; that being there Father is the honor God granted you.
If you could really know just how important the relationship you have with your daughter will help her in every other relationship she has you would sacrifice anything to make it right. How will she ever know God loves her if she doesn’t know you do?
Oh, and by the way – there’s no age limit on this love, you signed up for her lifetime.
Now a short story – I hope you don’t mind.
In my earnest to clean up my Facebook I deleted all my albums in favor of one which would be a snap shot my life. As I was going through the pictures I made a conscious choice to include one of my Father sitting at a table with the look, the one that lets you know the weight of the world is on his shoulders and that he is in deep thought. I posted the album with captions and throughout the day people added comments. This picture garnered the first comment – “I love this man” by my sister, then one of M’s friends added something in the same vein, I third’d the motion a bit later in the day and then my Dad’s sister posted her love for him too. How could any man ever lose with the love of a sister and his daughters? I cried. Mom made us promise to care for him after she left and I doubt she could know just what an honor it is, aggravating sometimes, but an honor none the less.
Here’s, as they say, “the rest of the story”.
In my life, my Father had told me he loved me once. The day my mother died. There was a time when I wondered if he even did love me but as maturity has set in I guess I have always known that he does, he just shows it in the only way he knows how, by saying nothing at all. There’s more to this but its just best left for posterity to hear and understand. Dad has some great reasons for the quiet that he is, I understand that now. Please just know I have always felt his love I just needed to recognize what it was I was feeling.
Then, out of the blue, I get an email from my poppa. The subject title; Meaning of “I Love You”. This arrived the day after the posts on Dad’s picture went up; my sister got the email too. Not a word from Dad personally just a forwarded email of all the different ways people, kids especially, say I love you.
Now, my Dad has told me he loves me twice.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Fear of -
You cannot run away from weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?
~ Robert Louis Stevenson
I had a weird week this week and an even a stranger weekend. I am finding married life so satisfying and W and I am so into each other that we need to remind one other that we need to get out and socialize more. We were both so tired as well, maybe some kind of virus, but overall a very slow weekend.
So, while I was visiting teaching last Thursday I was asked to say the opening prayer at sacrament meeting this Sunday. The funny thing about all the changes I have made in the last while is that this annoying fear has risen with regards to speaking in church. I know exactly where it came from, no problem understanding that. One F&T meeting I was feeling the spirit big time, I wanted to thank my friends for all the help they had given me and all I could do was cry. I was so overwhelmed. I looked out and there it was, a family laughing, right at me and making the gesture of being crazy. That was pretty much the last time I bore my testimony and excepting the talk I gave a while back, the last time I ever spoke at the pulpit.
Fear comes into our lives in so many different ways. It can be real, like a fear of “strangers” or flying or heights, or imaginary, much like I think my nephew must be going through as he battles mental illness. Anyway you look at it; it can encompass you and change the direction of your life. It can disable the very being of you and letting it control you, not so great.
So what am I on about?
Well, I wanted desperately to say no, but I couldn’t. I mean, come-on, it’s just a prayer. I gathered my nerves and I gave the prayer and it felt like a step, a small one for sure, but at least a step towards really overcoming what for some seems credulous and small but for me, monumental. I was happy and the super sonic millisecond prayer, I for sure felt the spirit, even if it was for just me. The family was there and I didn’t have the heart to look at them, I just couldn’t. I can’t even tell you exactly how they feel; they are a bit like that. They make fun of people but as far as their intent to hurt, I can’t say. They don’t seem the type.
I had a good hard look at what I fear from this though. It seems odd that some fears that would cripple others are little bitty to me but some are – saying a prayer in church, I know, some of you are laughing; huge for me. I fear so much and yet little of it makes a difference in the way I live now. I seem to step forward, face them and then move on. I guess this is what being mentally healthy is all about.
I may never be defined as normal or cultural or ever be accepted in the moving circle of mormondom again but I have never been so content with what I believe and know in my heart. I am committed for my own commitment sake and actually prescribe to my own drummer. I wish that others could see the strength in that resolve.
I found this quote in a rather obscure way and though I think that 9 out of 10 Mormons would dismiss it’s truth because of the deliverer I find that when someone can truly know why it is that they believe what they do and then decide that they define it without inflicting it on others I have respect. I have been able to find my spiritual self by truly forcing me to examine what it is that I believe is spiritual. It may never be addressed from a pulpit in the form of a testimony, I know – Coward that I am – but it is within my heart. God knows it, he hears it silently borne all the time, He hears it every time I face a fear and overcome it. He knows the intent of my heart.
“But my two cents (what you’ve picked up on here) is that commitment is what forges real faith. The process of wrestling with our doubts and committing oneself to the community in spite of one’s doubts is what forges real faith. Doubt is a crucible that burns away everything in our faith that is chaff and dross. We turn up the heat by wrestling honestly with our doubt, which we can only be motivated to do within a framework of commitment.” ~John Gustav-Wrathall
~ Robert Louis Stevenson
I had a weird week this week and an even a stranger weekend. I am finding married life so satisfying and W and I am so into each other that we need to remind one other that we need to get out and socialize more. We were both so tired as well, maybe some kind of virus, but overall a very slow weekend.
So, while I was visiting teaching last Thursday I was asked to say the opening prayer at sacrament meeting this Sunday. The funny thing about all the changes I have made in the last while is that this annoying fear has risen with regards to speaking in church. I know exactly where it came from, no problem understanding that. One F&T meeting I was feeling the spirit big time, I wanted to thank my friends for all the help they had given me and all I could do was cry. I was so overwhelmed. I looked out and there it was, a family laughing, right at me and making the gesture of being crazy. That was pretty much the last time I bore my testimony and excepting the talk I gave a while back, the last time I ever spoke at the pulpit.
Fear comes into our lives in so many different ways. It can be real, like a fear of “strangers” or flying or heights, or imaginary, much like I think my nephew must be going through as he battles mental illness. Anyway you look at it; it can encompass you and change the direction of your life. It can disable the very being of you and letting it control you, not so great.
So what am I on about?
Well, I wanted desperately to say no, but I couldn’t. I mean, come-on, it’s just a prayer. I gathered my nerves and I gave the prayer and it felt like a step, a small one for sure, but at least a step towards really overcoming what for some seems credulous and small but for me, monumental. I was happy and the super sonic millisecond prayer, I for sure felt the spirit, even if it was for just me. The family was there and I didn’t have the heart to look at them, I just couldn’t. I can’t even tell you exactly how they feel; they are a bit like that. They make fun of people but as far as their intent to hurt, I can’t say. They don’t seem the type.
I had a good hard look at what I fear from this though. It seems odd that some fears that would cripple others are little bitty to me but some are – saying a prayer in church, I know, some of you are laughing; huge for me. I fear so much and yet little of it makes a difference in the way I live now. I seem to step forward, face them and then move on. I guess this is what being mentally healthy is all about.
I may never be defined as normal or cultural or ever be accepted in the moving circle of mormondom again but I have never been so content with what I believe and know in my heart. I am committed for my own commitment sake and actually prescribe to my own drummer. I wish that others could see the strength in that resolve.
I found this quote in a rather obscure way and though I think that 9 out of 10 Mormons would dismiss it’s truth because of the deliverer I find that when someone can truly know why it is that they believe what they do and then decide that they define it without inflicting it on others I have respect. I have been able to find my spiritual self by truly forcing me to examine what it is that I believe is spiritual. It may never be addressed from a pulpit in the form of a testimony, I know – Coward that I am – but it is within my heart. God knows it, he hears it silently borne all the time, He hears it every time I face a fear and overcome it. He knows the intent of my heart.
“But my two cents (what you’ve picked up on here) is that commitment is what forges real faith. The process of wrestling with our doubts and committing oneself to the community in spite of one’s doubts is what forges real faith. Doubt is a crucible that burns away everything in our faith that is chaff and dross. We turn up the heat by wrestling honestly with our doubt, which we can only be motivated to do within a framework of commitment.” ~John Gustav-Wrathall
Opinion or Apostacy?
“So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!” ~ John Godfrey Saxe
How do I get myself into these messes, wait, I remember now. My Bishop told me to quit being silent. I have an important voice with something that needs to be heard. “Don’t be such a coward”; he said. It’s one thing to blog about it but quite another to raise your voice and speak. Well, I have tried twice now and been burned so I’m thinking… hmfffph! What gives?
Move forward a few weeks, first burn more than accomplished, I survived. Someone sends me a link to a petition for temple weddings. Now wait, don’t judge to quickly. It’s not about allowing non members into our temples. It’s just about allowing a civil union prior to a temple wedding for those members of the family who can’t be there. A practice I should say that 95% of members all around the world do. Here’s the thing, I really don’t have that militant or strong a song on it, really. I haven’t even signed the petition.
So, I get another link to a string on the site that someone felt applied to me. This person who sent it is not a non-member, not even of an apostate nature but rather a wonderful member in excellent standing. I have not included all the posts, nor am I going to. I fundamentally have a huge problem with most of the sites that are set up and then used by both sides of an argument to bash each other which then results in name calling, back biting and in the end, the issue is lost. I don’t go there, won’t go there, and generally just stay away. What is the scripture about contention? Contention is probably the reason I blog so much and say so little. Isn’t easier to write then speak and chance the contention coming at you all at once. I know, just say it – COWARD.
So anyway – see below string:
POST:
Do you any of you really believe the church will change because of a Petition? If you think that you don't understand anything about the church.
Number of posts from many people excluded here for content purposes (people bashing);
SL-H (me): okay - short version. Ex abused kids - works in temple, married again there and told kids - weren't worthy so don't bother - feelings very hurt. My turn, kids were looking to me to say - they had value even if Dad said they didn't. What's one year, well, just make that choice and have just about the entire culture determine your value and drop you down to the lowest rung because you said - it's okay, my family is important. I am not apostate, nor am I angry - I just wish that I had had a choice. My children have suffered enough at the hands of this "stalwart" temple going man. This year of being ostracized isn't pleasant and making a decision to put my kids first has been hard BUT WORTH IT. I can't imagine a new convert having to make that choice. If someone is worthy why is it okay to marry the same or next day in other countries and not ours? Black and white or grey - that seems to be the bottom line. And what's more, the judgment is so brutal. I love the gospel but this journey I have been on, after 50 years of being nothing but strong, and I mean RS presidency, YW president, Primary president - all of it and yet I couldn't have my already injured kids think that they didn't mean enough to me and then leave them out of the happiest day of my new and healed life. My new beautiful and wonderful husband and I are waiting a year and my testimony has never been challenged as much not because of the decision but because of the judgment leveled by people who think that because I have an opinion like this and made the choice I did I must be apostate, wow. Thank goodness for the few who have embraced me and helped me through. All I have to say! Think twice (name with held), until you walk those shoes, really, can you really know the hearts of those who sign?
Yesterday at 13:31 • NAME WITH HELD: Why does everyone assume the title apostate applies to them? Guilt? There are real apostates and some have responded to this thread. Otherwise why are people so ready to take the title on themselves? When I mention apostates I mean apostates not members who disagree.
Yesterday at 14:25 • (NAME WITH HELD 2) Maybe you should have been more specific or elaborated more.
"Interesting how many apostates think they should have a say in this."
Kind of sounded pretty general.
Yesterday at 17:10 • (NAME WITH HELD 3) No, (name with held) , you've been very clear that somehow if members support this petition that they are in disagreeing with the GA's, if you disagree with the GA's your considered apostate in some circles. Now if you want to get into the technical definition of what an apostate is or is not, then you are absolutely correct, most of these posters are not considered apostate. But we use the word to brand anyone who disagrees with the party line as apostate in certain groups in the LDS church. Glad you don’t feel that way, but your tone and posts have perhaps implied that there is something wrong with anyone who disagrees with you and supports this petition. If that really is not the case, then I apologize, perhaps it's more the fact that you simply don't agree with the petition. But I have one Facebook friend who did in fact fly off the handle and accuse some of us as being traitors (which is close to an apostate).
(addresses me) - way to stick up for what you believe. Sorry it has to be that difficult of a journey, and perhaps you should write up a letter and send it the decision makers in Salt Lake. I'd recommend forwarding it through your Bishop, and perhaps it would have bigger impact that way. Good luck to you.
Yesterday at 17:10 •
SL-H: Your last comment (name with held) is the reason why so many people, those in the church making difficult decisions only they can understand and those out, who left because of rigid and unbending judgment are having such a hard time. I have re-read the string and even in your last comment "Why does everyone assume the title apostate applies to them? Guilt?" remains filled with pious indignation. If this is not what you meant then be careful with your words. I have come to rely quite heavily on my own faith and free myself of judging others and in the way others have judged me but your words sting, not out of my own quilt, as you would assume but out of hearing so many who have been trampled by this kind of unbending attitude. I am no less worthy now then I ever was before, I simply made a choice, after much prayer and counseling with a GREAT bishop who understood that not everything is that simple. I have come to know I made the right choice.
Your words feed the apostates who ascertain that as a church we have no compassion when in fact the gospel I love and cherish would never have another feel less, which is what being Christ like is all about. I don't know you but I know many like you who see things as a black or white much like the Pharisees. All I asked is for you to try and understand the pain and heartache felt in this situation. You will never meet a more committed member than I am because, in spite of the judgment I have faced, I am resilient and continue to go, as hard as it is. I understand how people leave, I have never been through anything so hard excepting if I were to lose my children because I told them a policy was more important then they were.
You say - "When I mention apostates I means apostates not members who disagree." but everything else you write contradicts those words. They deny and then settle to an ambiguous judgment.
The words I cling to now follow in this vain; President Uchdorf's talk in Oct. conference.
"Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our Church callings, and in our livelihood. Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk."
All I ask is that rather then come at this, even in contention with apostates, with accusation, why not seek understanding. We are losing members in droves for so many more reasons then just this, take a look at the church bench near you. Finding a way to understand their reasons may be a way to, if they choose, feel welcome if they come back.
I may never have my children on the church bench with me but what they know of me it that I love them. I can wait a year, that's not the hard part. It's the cultural crush of judgment that is. I can get through that too. I made a decision out of love. God understands it and that, in the end, is all that matters.
Yesterday at 17:54 •
END STRING
I can’t include the comment that followed mine – Facebook banned it but suffice it that the person attacked me…. Personally and with that – my point was made – unintentionally on my part.
Why, when activity in the church is dropping at an astronomical rate, where member’s testimonies are failing and the world is a harder place to live in do we have those that will attack from within the very walls we worship. If I don’t agree with you, is it really an apostate point of view?
Here’s my point.
As long as the policy of waiting a year is in place I will live by it. The feelings I have processed, the hearts repair I have gone through is just a small portion to those that are felt by new converts at the opposite yet tethered sides of this issue. This is a painful choice that can sever ties and lay a foundation of hatred that can last a lifetime in families. Is it worth it and what does it say to those who aren’t members of our faith?
I was married in the temple the first time, enough said. I did it without my Mom there and I ached at her absence, silently. To voice it would have brought on condemnation. I have no desire to argue through that.
I wish members, who though their intentions may be pure, could understand that their actions can cause great pain. My comment was to address with my voice the real pain that comes not from the choice but from the criticism and treatment after an opposing choice is made.
I remember thinking once, during all of my past that people didn’t need to worry whether or not I understood the road I was on. They didn’t need to have their strong opinions and share them so freely to help me to know that they thought I was wrong, I already felt like a failure. I didn’t need anymore of their help to grasp that concept. I came through this solid and happy and I wouldn’t change a single part of any of the decisions I have made because healing has come from it. My point to the string was “until you walk in their shoes” – try at least to understand and by doing so we can make a difference to compassionate exchange within the church. Remember here, I haven’t signed the petition. I almost did after her attack but I soon realized that it would have been out of spite not commitment. I am investigating this before I commit because when I do commit to something it has to be a part of my song. I am not sure on this one yet.
Women were not allowed to pray in sacrament meetings prior to 1978. It was a group of voices that came forward that made the policy be rethought and then changed. Is the church any less true because women are praying in sacrament meeting now and for those who look at this with a negative perspective, because the church changed it, is it any less true?
Remember what Urcdorf said – the key is love. Christ like love. When you find it you will be astounded at the growth that can come. So, the question I have is this banner that I carry really being misconstrued as apostate rhetoric because if it is, I need to rethink my words. I have questions, I have concerns, but at the end of the day, I love my faith and follow it. I take it seriously enough to find out for myself just how dedicated I am. The lovely thing about my new life is that I know that when it is all said and done – it really is between me and my God and I WILL NEVER JUDGE ANY WHO CHOOSE OTHERWISE.
Thank Heavens
It is the duty of every cultured man or woman to read sympathetically the scriptures of the world. If we are to respect others' religions as we would have them respect our own, a friendly study of the world's religions is a sacred duty.
~ Mohandas K. Gandhi
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!” ~ John Godfrey Saxe
How do I get myself into these messes, wait, I remember now. My Bishop told me to quit being silent. I have an important voice with something that needs to be heard. “Don’t be such a coward”; he said. It’s one thing to blog about it but quite another to raise your voice and speak. Well, I have tried twice now and been burned so I’m thinking… hmfffph! What gives?
Move forward a few weeks, first burn more than accomplished, I survived. Someone sends me a link to a petition for temple weddings. Now wait, don’t judge to quickly. It’s not about allowing non members into our temples. It’s just about allowing a civil union prior to a temple wedding for those members of the family who can’t be there. A practice I should say that 95% of members all around the world do. Here’s the thing, I really don’t have that militant or strong a song on it, really. I haven’t even signed the petition.
So, I get another link to a string on the site that someone felt applied to me. This person who sent it is not a non-member, not even of an apostate nature but rather a wonderful member in excellent standing. I have not included all the posts, nor am I going to. I fundamentally have a huge problem with most of the sites that are set up and then used by both sides of an argument to bash each other which then results in name calling, back biting and in the end, the issue is lost. I don’t go there, won’t go there, and generally just stay away. What is the scripture about contention? Contention is probably the reason I blog so much and say so little. Isn’t easier to write then speak and chance the contention coming at you all at once. I know, just say it – COWARD.
So anyway – see below string:
POST:
Do you any of you really believe the church will change because of a Petition? If you think that you don't understand anything about the church.
Number of posts from many people excluded here for content purposes (people bashing);
SL-H (me): okay - short version. Ex abused kids - works in temple, married again there and told kids - weren't worthy so don't bother - feelings very hurt. My turn, kids were looking to me to say - they had value even if Dad said they didn't. What's one year, well, just make that choice and have just about the entire culture determine your value and drop you down to the lowest rung because you said - it's okay, my family is important. I am not apostate, nor am I angry - I just wish that I had had a choice. My children have suffered enough at the hands of this "stalwart" temple going man. This year of being ostracized isn't pleasant and making a decision to put my kids first has been hard BUT WORTH IT. I can't imagine a new convert having to make that choice. If someone is worthy why is it okay to marry the same or next day in other countries and not ours? Black and white or grey - that seems to be the bottom line. And what's more, the judgment is so brutal. I love the gospel but this journey I have been on, after 50 years of being nothing but strong, and I mean RS presidency, YW president, Primary president - all of it and yet I couldn't have my already injured kids think that they didn't mean enough to me and then leave them out of the happiest day of my new and healed life. My new beautiful and wonderful husband and I are waiting a year and my testimony has never been challenged as much not because of the decision but because of the judgment leveled by people who think that because I have an opinion like this and made the choice I did I must be apostate, wow. Thank goodness for the few who have embraced me and helped me through. All I have to say! Think twice (name with held), until you walk those shoes, really, can you really know the hearts of those who sign?
Yesterday at 13:31 • NAME WITH HELD: Why does everyone assume the title apostate applies to them? Guilt? There are real apostates and some have responded to this thread. Otherwise why are people so ready to take the title on themselves? When I mention apostates I mean apostates not members who disagree.
Yesterday at 14:25 • (NAME WITH HELD 2) Maybe you should have been more specific or elaborated more.
"Interesting how many apostates think they should have a say in this."
Kind of sounded pretty general.
Yesterday at 17:10 • (NAME WITH HELD 3) No, (name with held) , you've been very clear that somehow if members support this petition that they are in disagreeing with the GA's, if you disagree with the GA's your considered apostate in some circles. Now if you want to get into the technical definition of what an apostate is or is not, then you are absolutely correct, most of these posters are not considered apostate. But we use the word to brand anyone who disagrees with the party line as apostate in certain groups in the LDS church. Glad you don’t feel that way, but your tone and posts have perhaps implied that there is something wrong with anyone who disagrees with you and supports this petition. If that really is not the case, then I apologize, perhaps it's more the fact that you simply don't agree with the petition. But I have one Facebook friend who did in fact fly off the handle and accuse some of us as being traitors (which is close to an apostate).
(addresses me) - way to stick up for what you believe. Sorry it has to be that difficult of a journey, and perhaps you should write up a letter and send it the decision makers in Salt Lake. I'd recommend forwarding it through your Bishop, and perhaps it would have bigger impact that way. Good luck to you.
Yesterday at 17:10 •
SL-H: Your last comment (name with held) is the reason why so many people, those in the church making difficult decisions only they can understand and those out, who left because of rigid and unbending judgment are having such a hard time. I have re-read the string and even in your last comment "Why does everyone assume the title apostate applies to them? Guilt?" remains filled with pious indignation. If this is not what you meant then be careful with your words. I have come to rely quite heavily on my own faith and free myself of judging others and in the way others have judged me but your words sting, not out of my own quilt, as you would assume but out of hearing so many who have been trampled by this kind of unbending attitude. I am no less worthy now then I ever was before, I simply made a choice, after much prayer and counseling with a GREAT bishop who understood that not everything is that simple. I have come to know I made the right choice.
Your words feed the apostates who ascertain that as a church we have no compassion when in fact the gospel I love and cherish would never have another feel less, which is what being Christ like is all about. I don't know you but I know many like you who see things as a black or white much like the Pharisees. All I asked is for you to try and understand the pain and heartache felt in this situation. You will never meet a more committed member than I am because, in spite of the judgment I have faced, I am resilient and continue to go, as hard as it is. I understand how people leave, I have never been through anything so hard excepting if I were to lose my children because I told them a policy was more important then they were.
You say - "When I mention apostates I means apostates not members who disagree." but everything else you write contradicts those words. They deny and then settle to an ambiguous judgment.
The words I cling to now follow in this vain; President Uchdorf's talk in Oct. conference.
"Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our Church callings, and in our livelihood. Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk."
All I ask is that rather then come at this, even in contention with apostates, with accusation, why not seek understanding. We are losing members in droves for so many more reasons then just this, take a look at the church bench near you. Finding a way to understand their reasons may be a way to, if they choose, feel welcome if they come back.
I may never have my children on the church bench with me but what they know of me it that I love them. I can wait a year, that's not the hard part. It's the cultural crush of judgment that is. I can get through that too. I made a decision out of love. God understands it and that, in the end, is all that matters.
Yesterday at 17:54 •
END STRING
I can’t include the comment that followed mine – Facebook banned it but suffice it that the person attacked me…. Personally and with that – my point was made – unintentionally on my part.
Why, when activity in the church is dropping at an astronomical rate, where member’s testimonies are failing and the world is a harder place to live in do we have those that will attack from within the very walls we worship. If I don’t agree with you, is it really an apostate point of view?
Here’s my point.
As long as the policy of waiting a year is in place I will live by it. The feelings I have processed, the hearts repair I have gone through is just a small portion to those that are felt by new converts at the opposite yet tethered sides of this issue. This is a painful choice that can sever ties and lay a foundation of hatred that can last a lifetime in families. Is it worth it and what does it say to those who aren’t members of our faith?
I was married in the temple the first time, enough said. I did it without my Mom there and I ached at her absence, silently. To voice it would have brought on condemnation. I have no desire to argue through that.
I wish members, who though their intentions may be pure, could understand that their actions can cause great pain. My comment was to address with my voice the real pain that comes not from the choice but from the criticism and treatment after an opposing choice is made.
I remember thinking once, during all of my past that people didn’t need to worry whether or not I understood the road I was on. They didn’t need to have their strong opinions and share them so freely to help me to know that they thought I was wrong, I already felt like a failure. I didn’t need anymore of their help to grasp that concept. I came through this solid and happy and I wouldn’t change a single part of any of the decisions I have made because healing has come from it. My point to the string was “until you walk in their shoes” – try at least to understand and by doing so we can make a difference to compassionate exchange within the church. Remember here, I haven’t signed the petition. I almost did after her attack but I soon realized that it would have been out of spite not commitment. I am investigating this before I commit because when I do commit to something it has to be a part of my song. I am not sure on this one yet.
Women were not allowed to pray in sacrament meetings prior to 1978. It was a group of voices that came forward that made the policy be rethought and then changed. Is the church any less true because women are praying in sacrament meeting now and for those who look at this with a negative perspective, because the church changed it, is it any less true?
Remember what Urcdorf said – the key is love. Christ like love. When you find it you will be astounded at the growth that can come. So, the question I have is this banner that I carry really being misconstrued as apostate rhetoric because if it is, I need to rethink my words. I have questions, I have concerns, but at the end of the day, I love my faith and follow it. I take it seriously enough to find out for myself just how dedicated I am. The lovely thing about my new life is that I know that when it is all said and done – it really is between me and my God and I WILL NEVER JUDGE ANY WHO CHOOSE OTHERWISE.
Thank Heavens
It is the duty of every cultured man or woman to read sympathetically the scriptures of the world. If we are to respect others' religions as we would have them respect our own, a friendly study of the world's religions is a sacred duty.
~ Mohandas K. Gandhi
Monday, March 1, 2010
Je suis Canadian
I love my country - I mean I really am proud to be Canadian. Not just because we just hosted the Olympics or because we won a boatload of medals but because of who and what Canada is. It's more than just a body of land above the mighty USA. It's a feeling. It's a piece of a soul that whether you inherit it, or you're born to it or you marry it, it becomes you and defines that part of you that says, WORLD, we are a part of you and we are just different enough to be define uniqueness in our own ways.
My Canadian is generational. From a wanderlust great grandfather escaping the "landed gentry" of his England, his escape in his late teens which gave him an adventure worthy of a book and wow, is his song so apart of my soul. My great/grandparents; whose journey was from Scotland in all different forms coming to this great country through the "Homesteading Act" and claiming a piece of this beautiful land but keeping withthin them the Scottish Song that defined them as feisty and strong.
Every part of me sings "Oh Canada" From the bold and expansive prairies to the vast pacific ocean that my grandfathers tugged through and as much as my generations have trod this soil I still remain - Scottish/Canadian - Anglo/Canadian and for my children - even some Dutch/Canadian because here, we get to do that. We keep our songs; no melting pot here. We thrive on our diversity.
In school; early on, I learned about the whole world, not just the country where I lived. By sixth grade I was doing reports on Asia, Africa, Europe, South America and even the US. By Junior High, it wasn't just my countries history I studied but the world's history as well. In Senior High, the world was our text book and it wasn't just about understanding WW1 or WW2 but knowing what went wrong and what brought the world to crisis. Vimy Ridge wasn't just a battle but a place where grandfathers, uncles, cousins and friends were lost and if, by chance we had a relative die there, we talked about him or her and we shared and we cried at the audacity of war and it's cruel ramifications. Soldiers, Holocost Survivors, Killing FIeld Refugees visited our classroom and spoke to the horrors of War and moved us. It wasn't about details but consequences and a belief that we could make a difference if we wanted to. We were taught we could make a difference. We take our November 11 seriously - to this day. Losing people isn't just about freedom but about peace and caring. We don't conquer, we bring peace. That's our goal.
We find beauty everywhere and our unafraid of saying so. As much as we know that our mountains are majestic we love and seek the adventures of seeing the world's mountains. It is not uncommon for our people to "see" the world and as parents we encourage our children to experience it. Wearing a Maple Leaf on our backpacks means something. It means FRIEND. We want to see the world because seeing it makes us better world citizens and even better Canadians.
I have been blessed in so many ways to understand this great country I call home. My Father knows this world better than anyone and yet he comes home. He speaks, and always has, to just how grateful I should be for what this place has offered me. He has introduced me to royalty, to an understanding of the world's poverty, to its differences and all he asks is that I embrace culture for culture's worth. To vote, because there are some who can't. To work because I live where work is possible and to make a difference because I have been blessed to live in a country where making a difference won't cost me my life. He has helped me to truly understand and love other ways of life because this only enhances the love I have for my own life.
So...... Je suis Canadian! I am Canadian. Red and white through and through.
So to conclude; words being as important to me as they are to me, I give you the words of one of our new and upcoming Candian poets.
Shane Koyczan's
"We Are More,"
Define Canada
You might say the home of the Rocket
Or The Great One
Who inspired little No. 9s and little No. 99s
But we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
Off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
And some say what defines us
Is something as simple as 'please' and 'thank you'
And as for 'you're welcome,' well, we say that, too
But we are more than genteel or civilized
We are an idea in the process of being realized
We are young, we are cultures strung together then woven into a tapestry
And the design is what makes us more than the sum totals of our history
We are an experiment going right for a change
With influences that range from A to Zed
And yes, we say 'Zed' instead of 'Zee'
We are the brightness of Chinatown and the laughter of Little Italy
We dream so big that there are those
Who would call our ambition an industry
Because we are vineyards of good year after good year
We reforest what we clear
Because we believe in generations beyond our own
Knowing now that so many of us
Have grown past what we used to be
We can stand here today
Filled with all the hope people have
When they say things like 'someday'
Because we are more
Than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
More than hills to ski
Or countryside ponds to skate
We are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
We are first-rate greasy spoon diners and healthy living cafes
A country that is all the ways you choose to live
A nation that can give you variety
Because we are choices
We are millions upon millions of voices
Shouting, keep exploring
We are more
We are the surprise the world has in store for you, it's true
Canada is the 'what' in 'what's new'
So don't let your luggage define your travels
Each life unravels differently
And experiences are what make up
The colours of our tapestry
We are the true North
Strong and free
And what's more
Is that we didn't just say it
We made it be"
My Canadian is generational. From a wanderlust great grandfather escaping the "landed gentry" of his England, his escape in his late teens which gave him an adventure worthy of a book and wow, is his song so apart of my soul. My great/grandparents; whose journey was from Scotland in all different forms coming to this great country through the "Homesteading Act" and claiming a piece of this beautiful land but keeping withthin them the Scottish Song that defined them as feisty and strong.
Every part of me sings "Oh Canada" From the bold and expansive prairies to the vast pacific ocean that my grandfathers tugged through and as much as my generations have trod this soil I still remain - Scottish/Canadian - Anglo/Canadian and for my children - even some Dutch/Canadian because here, we get to do that. We keep our songs; no melting pot here. We thrive on our diversity.
In school; early on, I learned about the whole world, not just the country where I lived. By sixth grade I was doing reports on Asia, Africa, Europe, South America and even the US. By Junior High, it wasn't just my countries history I studied but the world's history as well. In Senior High, the world was our text book and it wasn't just about understanding WW1 or WW2 but knowing what went wrong and what brought the world to crisis. Vimy Ridge wasn't just a battle but a place where grandfathers, uncles, cousins and friends were lost and if, by chance we had a relative die there, we talked about him or her and we shared and we cried at the audacity of war and it's cruel ramifications. Soldiers, Holocost Survivors, Killing FIeld Refugees visited our classroom and spoke to the horrors of War and moved us. It wasn't about details but consequences and a belief that we could make a difference if we wanted to. We were taught we could make a difference. We take our November 11 seriously - to this day. Losing people isn't just about freedom but about peace and caring. We don't conquer, we bring peace. That's our goal.
We find beauty everywhere and our unafraid of saying so. As much as we know that our mountains are majestic we love and seek the adventures of seeing the world's mountains. It is not uncommon for our people to "see" the world and as parents we encourage our children to experience it. Wearing a Maple Leaf on our backpacks means something. It means FRIEND. We want to see the world because seeing it makes us better world citizens and even better Canadians.
I have been blessed in so many ways to understand this great country I call home. My Father knows this world better than anyone and yet he comes home. He speaks, and always has, to just how grateful I should be for what this place has offered me. He has introduced me to royalty, to an understanding of the world's poverty, to its differences and all he asks is that I embrace culture for culture's worth. To vote, because there are some who can't. To work because I live where work is possible and to make a difference because I have been blessed to live in a country where making a difference won't cost me my life. He has helped me to truly understand and love other ways of life because this only enhances the love I have for my own life.
So...... Je suis Canadian! I am Canadian. Red and white through and through.
So to conclude; words being as important to me as they are to me, I give you the words of one of our new and upcoming Candian poets.
Shane Koyczan's
"We Are More,"
Define Canada
You might say the home of the Rocket
Or The Great One
Who inspired little No. 9s and little No. 99s
But we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
Off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
And some say what defines us
Is something as simple as 'please' and 'thank you'
And as for 'you're welcome,' well, we say that, too
But we are more than genteel or civilized
We are an idea in the process of being realized
We are young, we are cultures strung together then woven into a tapestry
And the design is what makes us more than the sum totals of our history
We are an experiment going right for a change
With influences that range from A to Zed
And yes, we say 'Zed' instead of 'Zee'
We are the brightness of Chinatown and the laughter of Little Italy
We dream so big that there are those
Who would call our ambition an industry
Because we are vineyards of good year after good year
We reforest what we clear
Because we believe in generations beyond our own
Knowing now that so many of us
Have grown past what we used to be
We can stand here today
Filled with all the hope people have
When they say things like 'someday'
Because we are more
Than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
More than hills to ski
Or countryside ponds to skate
We are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
We are first-rate greasy spoon diners and healthy living cafes
A country that is all the ways you choose to live
A nation that can give you variety
Because we are choices
We are millions upon millions of voices
Shouting, keep exploring
We are more
We are the surprise the world has in store for you, it's true
Canada is the 'what' in 'what's new'
So don't let your luggage define your travels
Each life unravels differently
And experiences are what make up
The colours of our tapestry
We are the true North
Strong and free
And what's more
Is that we didn't just say it
We made it be"