Sisters - Sisters

"While we were born sisters, we grew up to be friends."

~ Catherine Pulsifer

There are very few things I am absolutely sure of in life but one of them is very simple; I know I was meant to have M as my sister. We weren’t close when we were young. We played the sibling order well. I filled my role as the annoying little sister to perfection and because of that; it took time to get where we are today.

The other day, my sister told me of a time when I was not very nice. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a spiteful or a brow beating conversation. It was more a conversation of how far we had both come but as she reminded me of my words I became heart sick. It was at a time where if I truly was what I professed to be, those words would have never come out of my mouth. M, I am so sorry.

We went through Mom’s death together. It is different for women to lose their Mom. We both lost our best friend, our shoulder, our rock. Mom was the one you could vent to and then feel safe that your words were there, protected and cherished. She would then impart a wisdom that would allow you the freedom to see clearly. Her words were always wise and heartfelt.

On the day that Mom died, one of the most touching and moving experiences that has ever happened in my life, revolved around my sister and my Mom that day. I was, at that time, not particularly strong emotionally. M was a rock on the outside but crumbling inside. It was a difficult scene, Mom was struggling to stay alive and we were all around her. I followed my Aunt as each of us in the room took a turn telling Mom to let go, that we loved her and that she didn’t need to suffer any more. Mom had tears in her eyes; I know she was having a hard time leaving. What I knew more was that my Mom, being the person she was, couldn’t go until she knew everyone was ready.

M is always so strong; death is not easy to watch. My Dad took his turn and I could see the anguish in his face. He had been married to Mom for over 50 years. That is the hardest goodbye to ever see or watch. M wiped away the moisture from Mom’s face, leaned towards her, and released her. Mom then drew her last breath and departed. It was as if I part of who we were the defined daughter in us left too and then, as I looked at M the most amazing feeling of respect, honour and love came into my heart. She did what I never could have done. She held herself with honour and dignity and was an emotional support to Mom when she really dug deeper than she ever could to find the strength she needed to do just that. She had always been the greatest example to me and at that point in time, I knew it. I was honoured to be called her sister.

Mom always told us just how important a sisters relationship was. She had 3 sisters. My Grandma, her mother only had one sister. I grew up knowing just how lucky I was having M and now, I don’t know how I could even breathe without her. I am so blessed to have her in my life,
As I watch my girls, I become so proud. They are sisters too. They are becoming best friends.

The legacy continues.

Uncertainity at Best

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I relish in it's concepts and teachings of acceptance and love but I am struggling with the judgement that so easily comes from a culture that prides itself in "living God's Law".

I, like so many LDS members have come to terms with the choice of being tethered to what is really all you know to not feeling like you have finally had enough and just walking away. I apologize now, I am not a 6th generation Mormon so culturally that leaves me in a place where my words don't hold the merit that if I were, they would.

My sister asked me the other day why? She recounted the many reasons why not, the constant attacks, the trivial destruction of our home, the bashing within it's very walls of intolerance. All I could say is that I was tethered out of a belief that there is right there somewhere.

As I witness the endless pursuit of perceived religious perfection and see vibrant lovely young women bow and break under the cultural pressure to be all that and then some; I remember vividly the crushing intolerance of not being everything. Oh, okay, we say we don't as a church do that, but come on, really, just go into a young ward and really look. How many really happy faces do you see, really.

We used to share the building with one of those wards. One Sunday, I was walking down the hall, and coming towards me was a young women. Maybe 21 or 22. A very new infant was in her arms, maybe just a few weeks old and it was clearly hers. She had forced herself into a tiny pencil skirt and blouse and her hair was to the nines. What got me thinking was the heels she was wearing. They were so high. I am not saying she looked cheap. Just trophy perfect and because of that I knew she had gone to a lot of trouble to be that put together. What got me was her eyes. They were heartbroken and vacant. She was struggling. I knew her story, I had been there, maybe not the heels but definitely the drive for all to be just one, just complete, as defined by a culture that never is satisfied. I smiled at her. That's all. I didn't know what else to say or do. I had contributed to that belief of perfection through all the lessons I taught as a YW leader. I guess that's why I am writing this.

Too many of those amazing, funny, vibrant and incredible girls are getting lost in feelings of not measuring up. I want you to know that you are so wonderful. Life's challenges are there. Being tested is not a measure of your unworthiness. You are daughters of a kind and loving Heavenly Father and it's time to just be okay with the uncertainty of not being all that and then some.

The Jewish translation for "be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect". is not a statement of measuring yourself to God but more a belief in finding you own personal perfection. When I walked away from the cultural pursuit of being perfect and learned to define it on a much more personal level I have truly found the happiness than God has always intended for me.

Sure, at this point, I doubted I could descend much farther down on the Mormon social ladder but as I wake every morning one thing I am always sure of is God's great love for me. That I know..... for sure.

So here's what I am on about. I apologize to all the YW I taught for ever being part of the cog mire that said you had to be perfect. What I would say now is live, love and laugh always. That is all that this journey was intended for. Those three things will bring you to a perfection you will cherish. Please ENJOY THE JOURNEY.

I am about to impart on descending to the final and lowest rung on the LDS social ladder. I do it by choice. I am no longer driven by the need to be accepted by it. I love my family and in turn my family loves me, that is my perfection; that is my peace. I have added another love in my life, he is my world. He has taught me about what love was always meant to be. Because of W. I am complete.