I write every Christmas Eve on whatever blog I choose to go to but I think for now, this recovery journey I yet again entail myself into will be exposed here. No more sugar coated goodness. Just the reality of a broke soul trying to find a way to exist in a world that labels you toxic. So, here we go.
I learned a word in the last month. Actually, two. Reactive abuse. “Reactive abuse” is when a perpetrator of abuse deliberately triggers their partner into reacting to their abusive behavior aggressively. Abusive partners may use this manipulative tactic to shift blame away from themselves by claiming that the abuse is two-sided.
I think the other word would be bullying. It’s a condition I know all too well.
I stopped writing because I was told too. I share to freely, I am too open, I paint a negative picture, I am just self-egrandizing. My goodness i have heard just about everything that can be said that comes down to one word “shut-up”.
So I did. I stopped it all and then fell apart. Writing is a therapy for me, a way to go through what has happened and fin a meaning or purpose. Purging the words from my soul is healing, for me, and because it has made others uncomfortable, as always, I put them first.
At 62, i should be able to be free enough to speak my peace.
So here is goes.
Here we are at yet another CHristmas where fighting and dismay rule the environment. I have spent many an hour in therapy being taught proper boundaries and even more appropriate behavior. In each attempt to set those boundaries and behaviors up I am met with a wall of aggression and demands. Over and over again I am told if they can’t respect them move on and yet I am heartbroken, deeply, deeply, heartbroken and finding myself isolated more and more.
So what do you do?
Pain is a very real thing, it is, literally, eating me up. Dr’s say I HAVE to remove myself from stress. OK, so how? What if your very presence causes stress. Yes, I get it.
Do I leave, do I walk away from the people I love the most in the world. Is it or has it been too much to ask for respect. For just a minion of honour for the effort? Apparently it is.
So now, I listen.
I hear you.
You say I ghost people and yet, over and over you have asked me to accept a level of disrespect unattainable in anyone’s life.
No disrespect but it is a two way street and I am tired of being forced to accept your demands and receive little or nothing in return.
The real and only way to remove yourself from reactive abuse to remove yourself entirely from the ability for it to happen.
Enough is enough.
