Running with a Broken Heart

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory."
~William Barclay

I was thinking this morning about movement and looking at the past year, especially the last few months and asked myself. "What's the point of all of this?" Why is it necessary for life to throw such ridiculous curve balls?

Reflection, for me, is the way I decipher what is the purpose of any trial I face in my life. I no longer despise them, oh sure, I don't like them, but the reality is that this is life and knowing or trying to understand the purpose can help in the journey. It seems to take me away from the pain and allows me to find reason in the unreasonable.

So what am I on about?

With the economy the way it is, my work is difficult. Writing and rewriting reports that when done are then rewritten again because we have brought forward another scenario of reforecasting. The senior management are taking the best interest of the company and trying to save jobs and work but this is real and not everything they want can be done. I have previously mentioned the 2:1 of my company and now more than ever, extremely difficult decisions are being made which eventually may involve loss of jobs.

So where's my truth now. Single parenting , no support of any kind from the former spouse, just constant attacks of doing the single parenting wrong, 12 hour days at work, threat of losing my job over me all the time, a faith that devalues singlehood and sleep never coming easy from the worry of it all. How does one endure?

I wake up every morning grateful that I still have a job and that though the shortcomings are there I have it by grace and effort. I think of my beautiful children and the relationships I have with them now because of the opportunity the atonement has offered me to seek forgiveness from them and they gave it and now, I would trade nothing for the JOY of this amazing family I have, all of them, warts and all. I am thankful for friends who serve reality on a platter when I start feeling sorry for myself and who comprehend when the attacks come that I am still learning to deflect and help me to know that I must only own what's mine to own and for their constant support, if not in time with me, in unspoken and silent prayers of understanding. I reflect to all I do have and for the GLORIOUS life that is mine. I am alone but I am happy for the first time in years and I am because of all the pain and suffering that has been endured and will need to be endured.

Opposition in all things is a divine principle. To feel joy you must have felt pain. The deeper pain, the greater joy. Its worth it!

Sanity or the lack thereof.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
~Rita Mae Brown~

Is there exclusion if you are Canadian. Ha. I read this an rolled. I guess that's me then. Or, I have the best three best friends ever and they have just hidden the ugly truth from me. Sanity is highly overrated and having a bit of insanity in you can make life just that much more fun. Oh, for sure, there is a balance but why not enjoy the ride.

Kindness Trumps Greed

"Kindness trumps greed: it asks for sharing. Kindness trumps fear: it calls forth gratefulness and love. Kindness trumps even stupidity, for with sharing and love, one learns." ~Marc Estrin~

So I had my life thrown for a loop again and this time I even bounced back faster. I was hurting, for sure, even shed a few tears, called a friend who enlightened me with a dose of reality and then "twang" the rubber ball bounced. I was thinking though...... why is it that just when you feel like you have surfaced and that you are breathing that this bugger of a life as to push you back under?
I have a good friend who told me a story a few weeks ago. She was visiting a different ward with her family and she went to speak to a family member who was sitting in a bench prior to church starting. She could see that he was reading his scriptures. She politely asked if this person had seen their mother. He looked up and made a sharp comment about "can't you see that I am preparing for the sacrament meeting?!" My friend turned to her brother and said "You see that book you are studying from. Let me give you the Coles Notes version. Be nice! Now where is Mom so I can help her."
Life is just like that. Sometimes in our own efforts to be better we exclude or hurt or lose sight of real kindness. I am guilty of this and just now I am trying to recognize the world as a universal place and that I am living in as an individual in a global community. It's hard when you need to find peace in yourself by giving yourself away in the service of others. It's a balance that I am not sure is as easy as some think.
I have never been failed in life by simply following my heart to kindness. I hope that I can overcome my many weaknesses before it's too late and that I can be remembered for the giving heart I feel I have, without giving so much of my heart away that it is lost.
Tough balance, I know.

The One You Feed

"One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.One is Evil. - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.The other is Good. - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'"

I have battled more within myself in these last few years then at any other time in my life. It seems that the win is secure but every once in a while the battle becomes reticent and I feels it's wounds creep forward.

With each new day, joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness; all of it is becoming a bigger part of my life. I am feeding it and it is becoming who I am. There is recovery, there is hope!

All I have ever hoped for, prayed for, wished for is to find within myself the reasons for being loved and for loving. As my family mends and we become whole I can see these reasons.

Family is the fundamental principal of the gospel.

Of all the efforts and strains and gains we have as we life this worldly journey the one that we carry with us past this earth is who and what we are to our families. Those we chose before we came and those we chose here.

I have loved and continue to love being in and being a part of my amazing family. I have been blessed.

Hope

“We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.” ~Barack Obama~

Enough said. Hope in an approaching hopeless time. If leaders of nations can find strength in the eduring hope of a better world than why can't we?

Bamboozled

"One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. The bamboozle has captured us. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back." ~Carl Sagan~

Life and it's complexity! How do you know truth and how do you know untruth? What makes my truth more right then yours? When is the truth real and when is it not? All these questions of which I thought I knew the answers to and then BAM! The rug gets pulled!

I know my heart and I know what I see and in those dimensions lay my truths. If someone were to come and then say that all that I know to be true is not, would you believe it just because someone said so or would you find out from those that actually knew?

Recently my families truths were called into question. Look at the motive here. Why would we have to lie, to what gain is there in it? And yet, to those that call out that it is false, what motive there?

The story is old, the time long done. The healing is evolving and if the only way for those that harmed can find solace is to cry foul, scream away.

Were done.... I am done. Healing is happening with or without your honesty.

I love Jesus

"I love Jesus, but I drink a little" ~Gladys Hardy~

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/ellen-gladys-hardy-p1.php?emf=1

I have had one of the hardest weeks I ever have had and was asking me myself; is all this busy living and moving through chaos worth it? I seem to be missing so much and sometimes it feels like life is just rushing by and I'm in but never truly part of it?

I love outspoken honest older people and when the women in this video spoke this line I just about rolled over and off the chair. I doubt I have witnessed that kind of honesty in a while and it made me think; is life that simple?

Can you boldly state you love Jesus and then simply admit your weakness. I thought for a moment and came to a magnificent conclusion.

Absolutely!

It's that simple!

So here's what I am on about.

Sometimes the best things in life are as simple as a statement of fact.

I live in a culture that over demands perfection and judges by a glimpse of you on Sunday. I will never be a pretty glimpse. My baggage is well packed but once in a while gets lost, soon to be found, but my reality is busy and cluttered and sometimes damn difficult.

As long as I know my faults and I am personally working on them and they harm me and no one else, I'm good and loving and being loved by Jesus is possible.

Happy Saturday all, and enjoy the journey!

"When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. " ~Albert Einstein

I had a great life lesson today that I want to share. It's just when you think you have everything figured out and all those precious ducks lined up in a row that you just get to damn cocky. That's exactly what I did, and I broke all my own new rules.

K1 spoke to me about a letter that K2 received. K2 was hurt and felt the letter was a slight to her and wondered why she had been singled out. It was from M and it was a reimbursement, long overdue, and a question. In the question K2 felt slighted and hurt and wondered why she and not all the kids had been confronted.

The mommabear in me reacted and I even sat on it for some time. I then asked the K2 if it would be okay if I responded. She said yes because she wanted me to help her remove the burden of carrying the connection to M alone. She is the only one he communicates with. I then composed the real first communication I have had with him in over 6 months.

I let my own anger at his abandonment of the kids interfere with the message I needed to send and broke every rule I have put into place about writing and then waiting. The letter was short and curt and accusing but more than anything else it was clear. And now, all I can think is that because of perspective it will never be met with anything other than disdain and I have done no service to my beloved K2.

I will never understand why men think that when they get divorced they divorce the children too. It seems a universal truth though I have seen the odd man really make an effort to keep close to his children. This is clearly not the case here.

So what am I on about. Taking time, even if you think you have taken enough, to just sit back and ask, are my actions hurting or helping. I could have helped K2 is so many more appropriate ways but the anger of singularly raising these kids alone got the better of me.

Next time, I'll take my time.

My Broken Home

"Surely that home is strongest and most beautiful in which we find each person sensitive to the feelings of others, striving to serve others, striving to live at home the principles we demonstrate in more public settings. A child has the right to feel that in his home he is safe, that there he has a place of protection from the dangers and evils of the outside world."

Howard W. Hunter

I had an incredible weekend with friends and family. I went to my oasis in Comox and took with me my two very dear friends. We come together about once a year to do this and it is always so rewarding and it is during this time that I know that there are truly friends for a lifetime in our lives.

My daughters decided to join us and at first I was a bit hesitant to share these two parts of my life with each other but what I realised was that one of my daughters was really hurting and so I made a decision to do just that.

We had planned to go to the Kingfisher Spa which is, I am sure, maybe a glimpse into what heaven may be like. I was going through the Pacific Mist Hydropath with my friends and my girls were following behind us by about a hour. I was the only one who had been before and I have tried to explain the zen of this experience to all of them but how can you? Until you experience it, you simply can't understand it.

We went through, had a wonderfully delicious brunch, went for a rest, and then went for some shopping and chocolate. My girls phoned and they met us at a very eclectic lingerie shop where, in the small town of Comox, we found beautiful bras, housecoats, thigh high socks and ate our chocolates. Can a girls weekend end any better than this? Yes.

We had plans to eat out but my fathers house in Comox has this thing about it, I am not sure why, but you can find yourself there. It is peaceful and relaxing and really just feels like home. Maybe it's the art on the wall or the picture of my crusty old great grandfather but whatever it is, thank-you Dad for letting me go there and just feel myself there.

There are times when this old house pulls me and begs me to stay. I loved my grandparents and always felt so accepted by them. Maybe the spirits are beckoning me there, I don't know but with my sister having a home there too I can't help but think that we will find ourselves sharing our kindred lives together enjoying our Comox as it lives within our souls.

My friends and daughter then did something I didn't expect. Rather than go out, they asked if we could have a pajama party and just enjoy the time together. We stopped and grabbed some authentic Old English Fish and Chips and went to the house and began one of the most beautiful nights I have shared with my two dear friends and my daughters.

These two women have known my girls for a very long time. Our past was lived in such silence and fear that few people truly know the damage and the hurt that lies there. My daughters guard our secrets and their pain but that night they shared it and my friends hearts wept and my daughters learned that there are those who have a depth of compassion and that care.

I will not go into any further details but what I will tell you of some of the contents of my prayers since.

I have thanked my Father in Heaven for our broken home because without it my daughters and son and I would not be the people we are becoming.

I have thanked Him for my forever friends that I simply know I will share laughs with way beyond this world.

I have thanked Him for giving my daughters safety and peace so that they could feel that what they shared that evening could be heard, understood and then shelved because these beautiful women have their own stories and what they offered back to my girls in advice was precious and priceless.

So when do I know the Big Guy is guiding my life.

When I have the experiences that I had this weekend.

I am so grateful to my beautiful daughters and for who they are and who they are becoming. I love the peace that resides within me that makes me know that they are becoming alright and even though the pain is so intense and real back there it does not defy them from being but drives them to becoming whole and better. And I am forever grateful for good friends who cry with us and feel our strength as well.

And I am eternally grateful to the Big Guy for having my Father born into such a beautiful place and for my father's love for me, though unspoken, that puts a bed for my precious Rocky in a room he knows that I need every once in a while so that I can reconnect and find the strength to make it through surviving a home that though broken is stronger than it has ever been.

I am grateful more than anything for the change in the contents of my prayers. I no longer spend most of the time requesting strength and hope but Thank for all that He has seen fit to afford us and for truly knowing that peace is within our very souls if we only look hard enough!

Most Profound Doubt

"Isn’t it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity…"
Vaclav Havel

Here…here! There you have it. Clarity amongst chaos. How does one really judge the absurdity or, for that matter, the reality of life?

When we only know people from our encounters at church on Sunday do we really know everything about them? Do we know who they really are or who they want us to think they are?

A simple mind can even answer that. Absolutely not. No, absolutely not…. Or can we?

Behaviors in the end are predictable. Eventually everyone will be unveiled and their characters will show through. Time is the best indicator of who and what a person is all about.

Let’s take this example. A recent immigrant gives a talk in church. He has spoken English for only a few years and his talk is not as much spiritual as it is a well done "Rotary" talk. He gives an absolutely hilarious story and gets tons of laughs. He ties it into communication and then sits down.

Another member of the congregation then comments that though the talk was funny; in was not appropriate for church and therefore highly inappropriate. What do you say and how to you judge the person by that comment… or do you? Do you have any right to judge it?

If someone were to take all things into consideration, this man who less than five years ago could neither speak, read nor understand English and did a pretty amazing job. What he accomplished was inspiring. Was it appropriate? I don’t know but do you think the Savior cares? Maybe, looking past the argument here and just seeing the accomplishment is really what is expected of us.

Then I wonder, what would possess someone to put that much thought into that kind of attitude. How must their life be if they need to draw attention away from themselves and place it on others? Is that a burden I would ever want to carry?

I am never certain of very much during my days. I spend most of the time trusting my instincts and hoping and praying that I am doing it somewhat right. The one thing that is certain is my intent. I have the intention of being a great mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, whatever role it is and in the absurdities of failure I always improve in those roles. My mistakes make me want to improve and I am in no way anywhere near perfect. Actually, I am quite a bit away from it.

Here I am, a little more than four months into a complete role of a single parent with a non-existent ex. Whose is neither financially, spiritually ,emotionally or physically involved in or helping in the carrying of this family. Oh my gosh; I am going to make a ton of mistakes but I think I have taught my kids well enough now to know that mistakes are those things that make us that much stronger. If we hadn’t have been through all that we have been through how would we ever have the faith to know that we can, in fact, make it through this at all?

What am I on about? Helping each other cope in a very difficult world and making sure that we give ourselves the credit to at least forgive some of our own mistakes and the mistakes of those around us. My kind of mistakes may have no resemblance at all to your mistakes and to put my paradigm onto yours would be highly inappropriate and judgmental.

We cannot say that the talk given by this man should in any way equal someone’s whose has spoken and thought in English his entire life. That is unfair.

Please know that I fall short in this all the time. I am still learning to live my life for myself and not worrying so much about what others do or think. Comparison to others creates depression, comparing yourself to God is humility. Being humble is a virtue, being depressed is not. (Side note here - there are cases of depression that are a result of medical conditions and a huge mulligan factor is at play in those cases!) It is in finding the balance that we live our lives. Maybe, at the end, the balance is simpler because experience has brought us there.

It is when I look the deepest into myself and recognize the mistakes that I make that I learn and grow. I fail at so many things but knowing those failures and pushing forward again to try and not make the mistake again is curing to the soul. Profound doubt is a part of my life but faith is what propels me forward and gives me wings.

"However much we guard ourselves against it,
we tend to shape ourselves in the image others have of us. It is not so much the example of others we imitate, as the reflection of ourselves in their eyes and the echo of ourselves in their words."

- Eric Hoffer

When I came across this quote, I stopped, and thought about it. I moved on and my mind kept coming back to it. This is a thinker and it made me wonder how much of who I am and was is a direct result of the reflection of myself with others?

The kicker here is that I am a very bad judge of perception. My self esteem is at an infancy of being positive and more often than not I read into people very differently than what is there. It is only within the last few years that I have been able to somewhat trust my judgement and so I ask; How much of who I think I am is off to what I really am and does this go against my new self admonition to care less about what people think and more about trusting my judgement?

So what am I on about?

Finding within yourself the ability to filter both the positive and negative and to know for yourself what is and isn't going to be good for you.

This means that even though I may think that someone has pronounced a judgement on me I need to find the ability within myself to filter it and bring to me the part of it that will allow me to grow to become a better person. This is a very daunting task.

I know this because as I analyze this stuff I am getting better. I know that the process is changing all the time and with each change comes a stronger ability to be whole and in the end, that is the ultimate goal.

The task is difficult because there are people who will give false readings. To find the truth in all the clouds of perceived friendships requires a keen and discerning mind. You must be able to trust and after everything I have been through trust is something that doesn't come easily. This is where the work lies. I find myself with a closed heart sometimes and with it I don't allow myself to grow.

I need to work on this. I need to learn to trust again. It is coming and no doubt I will be hurt again. This is life. Life is our classroom and I would rather find myself growing than remain stagnant and stale, stuck in the processes that simply doesn't work.

So here is to finding my true self in the reflections of others and to truly know of where I stand in this life I am living.

Full Bloom

“There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally of course, there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are.”

Chogyam Trungpa

I love new days and new beginnings.

Welcome to 2009.

Just this minute my disabled young neighbour came and delivered the new ads. This young man is wonderful and when he visits his first priority is always Rocky. Today, he asked the profound question; “Why did Rocky need a haircut?” My beautiful daughter, K2, answered that Rocky had tangles and it was required. “Oh”; he said. That was sufficient. He cheerily pronounced on us a “Happy New Year!” and went on to his next delivery. Every time I talk with this young man it brings a smile to my heart. His simple ways make the world a better place.

For most people in the world this is just another day. Some work, most play, others watch football games. Whatever the activity it is usually routine and becomes part of a family’s life patterns. We are gathering again today as well. We are down one and missing K3 so much. We are meeting new potential family and I am excited to meet the parents of the young man who makes my K2 so happy. They raised an incredible son.

This new life we have is now routine. It begins and ends like the rhythmic breathing of a body, instinctual and core. As I walked into the kitchen the girls were having a conversation and in remembering my resolution they stopped, laughed that reminded me I wasn’t able to join in, and then changed the subject.

So far, day 1 of this resolution is going great. It is healing the wounds and opening my heart.

So here I sit at my computer, glad that my words can memorialize our family’s journey to wholeness.

Someday, I hope, my children and grandchildren will remember that anything is possible and everything can be overcome by the mere virtue of unconditional love!