"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Life is so thrilling and wonderful and when you put all of it into an eternal perspective that is healthy and meaningful you begin to see just how much of a role you play in it for yourself.
Who am I? I am just a girl whose been through a lot who has come out of it a bit scared, more in awe of a gospel that teaches such love and compassion that it fulfills me, and better because now, I live to understand and never judge. At least I try.
I am coping and growing and changing constantly. As I awoke this morning, beyond thrilled that in a few hours I will be picking up my precious K3 who just 5 months ago we admitted to a treatment facility for drug abuse and eating disorders, I can not believe the continuing transformation in her life. My gosh, the transformation of all of our lives.
I lived angry and frustrated and hurt for so long and it wasn't until I fully grasped that all of those feelings were destroying me and the people around me that I could facilitate a change for the better. The choice was always mine to be happy. I cannot force change on anyone but I could determine what changes were necessary for happiness in my own life and could and would change the lives of those close around me.
If you would have told me that even three months ago that I could be even happier in the life conditions I am facing now I would have told you that you were crazy.
Single parents out there everywhere. You can do it! It may not be the definition of perfect that you had always envisioned for yourself but it can be redefined for a purer and more accessible peace and contentment. Redefine Happy! Make it work for yourself.
Bishop H asked me to do something that was difficult and heart breaking. I didn't understand why and was angry I was even asked. These are normal feelings and should not be hidden or ashamed of. I worked through it and though I never understood I garnished the faith that I would eventually and moved forward. Yikers that was hard and still continues to be.
So here we are, month two in, and wow, what a step up in peace and spirituality and responsibility that we are all taking. Every child is contributing in some way, whether it be a mental, spiritual, physical or an emotional way. We were already a family team that loved and adored each other but now we are becoming a unit that really defines family in its purest terms.
If you were to tell me that I would have witnessed this healing and loving coming from a family that was so dysfunctional and screwed up in just a few years I would have thought you daft! But wow, we are!
Wow, we really are!
There is still a bit of a mist hanging over us. I suspect it will always be there. Every child will continually seek out the acceptance of a toxic parent. It is Divine nature to seek that acceptance. My role will always be to cushion and pray that at some point it will be different for them somehow. That their relationship with their D will change and they can find that peace.
The hardest task I face is standing back and watching the attempts. Every nurturing bone in my body wants to protect them from harm and emotional pain but I can't. It sucks, but I really can't. My kids know how I feel. I support them in whatever choice they make to define that relationship. I try and teach them about expectations and hope that they will find resolution, somehow, someway.
For now though, our choice as a family and mine individually is to continue in the pursuit of happiness always recognizing bumps, potholes and stumbling blocks that liter the path to it.
Here's a shout out to someone I admire more than she will ever know.
Abuse, any form of it, whether it be physical, sexual, spiritual or emotional is so difficult and confusing, especially for kids who eventually turn into adults. Our children, especially those who have been irreversible scared by it will sometimes lash out. A wise Dr. W told me, in the beginning of this journey, when my K's were so angry at everything, especially me, that they did this because they understood they could and when it was over, I was always going to be the one who loved them unconditionally and would let slide their behavior in the end. So even though they sometimes hated me back then and were so angry that they didn't even talk to me, it all sorted itself out in time. Patience, above all is the key and never give up on them, ever. Eventually, they will begin to understand your straddled path in their journey and recognize you really did everything you could to help them and in the end, you just loved them, always. That you will love them, forever.
Here's the secret, just care for them in whatever way they will allow. Over and over and over again. That love will transcend every horrible and hurtful thing they have encountered. It always has for me. Please know that there were many times I wanted to give up. Why submit yourself to that. As I look at it know, I am glad I never did give up. I wouldn't have this Zen in my life.
Yeah, total Zen. Redefined.
I feel closer to filling those profound and formidable footprints of a genuine life my precious mother left for me to fill. I still have about 25 years left to catch up to her, I hope that I can and that when it's my time to go join the party with Mom and Grandma, Aunt June, everyone, that I can be welcomed with honor and peace. That they will greet me, with the Savior, knowing and acknowledging I did the best I could do, on a definition more suited to me than by others who never really knew me.
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