Boundaries - and Offenses

"Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense." ~ Phaedrus

The cost to be different can be so much greater than one can ever expect. For months, heck, even years I have read story after story of exits and felt my people were different, my friends would rise above it but alas; you leave, you lose your friends, period.

I think I would understand it better if it was all about me being in their faces, I am not. I still have a profound respect of those so sure of their truths. With all those that had left prior because of their beliefs in M's words I thought the weeds had been sorted out. Little did I know that I would become the thorn and that I would be tossed. Wow, is it really so hard to be friends with someone who doesn't go to church anymore. I guess the answer is yes.

My daughters talk about this step every once in a while. There's the time a life long friend who partied even harder then they did decided to step away. Over 15 years of friendship tossed aside because? K still hurts and the irony comes when I get asked by this young woman or her Mom how she is doing. I sometimes just want to say; "do you really care or are you just curious?" That comes from a deep resentment that I own and should conquer if I ever want to be a better person. There are times when I know just how far I need to go to ever not be so broken inside.

A few years back, wow, almost 10 to be exact I met a young woman who was being shunned by the JW congregation she had known her whole life. She was devastated. We would go for lunch all the time and I started to research ways to help her. Her marriage was falling asunder because that was the very act that caused her disassociation with her faith. I couldn't imagine her heartache being any greater and then she got pregnant. Her family went on overdrive and each lunch became about listening. What could she do, how could I help?

I read an article about how to survive the "shunning" process of the JW's and in it they spoke of finding a replacement to take up all the time the person now had free because of their excommunication. I remember telling her this concept while her husband was with her and he immediately accused me of trying to convert her to Mormonism, his reaction was simple, "hadn't religion destroyed enough of their lives"? It was a very fair statement and I laughed at the thought of me converting anyone. I was on the cusp of a very hard journey, there was no way I would or could convert anyone to anything at that moment and when we had discussed that he began to see what I was trying to say.

We talked a few more times and they decided to focus on their family - the ones still willing to be involved in their lives and thus began their journey. It's been a long while and with each time I see her she speaks more and more of how her life has improved as she really has put her family first and made new friends less determined by faith and more by common grounds of social living. It has been a joy to see her grow and become the woman she always was but never understood. Her best friend is an exmormon from Australia and she came the other day and asked if it was true, had I really stopped going? I confirmed I had and she spoke too of the loss of friendships and social standing. She had left Australia to find peace and now, she couldn't be happier. She offered her support and I thanked her.

I was that person years ago who couldn't give you the name of one person outside of the Mormon faith that I could consider a friend. When my dear sister asked me that question; 'Did I have one friend who wasn't Mormon?" the answer was no, I didn't. It seems the culture was always about us verses them. Think about it; they are Non-Mormons and we were Mormons. That in itself is definitive of the entire issue.

Now, as I stand on the NON side the freeze out is real. Friends I thought were for a lifetime have become non existent and people I cherished simply say, if we don't see you on Sunday we seem to forget about you; sorry. As heartbroken as I am about it I always knew this truth. This isn't a one way street. I don't seem to be going out of my way to stop the loss.

Now, I am in the nowhere land. That place between loss and gain. I have a very few friends I am grateful for and my best friend. That new concept of my husband being my everything which makes this so much easier.

So the most surprising concept of this all was the realization that what I though was the world view of Mormons, I guess you could say what the culture itself perpetrates, is so different that the real truth. As a faith, Mormons are very much looked at as being extremely elites and dismissive. They are not liked by very many people and the whole us verses them is very real. Somehow that thought that being Mormon somehow makes you special is only in the definition of being different, of being "holier than though" and that in itself makes them the kind of people you simple stay away from. So as much as they stay away from me, in time, it might become about staying away from them too.That thought makes me sad.

It's 2:45 AM Sunday Morning

It's 2:45 AM in the morning and try as I might I can't seem to shut my brain down enough to sleep. I do that sometimes. I just get going and it seems the world crashes in and everything I do just can't seem to stop the worrying or over analyzing, it feels crazy in a very daunting kind of way.

This weekend is Family Day. I have Monday off but managed to put almost a whole day of work in. I feel so blessed to have the job I have but feel like I have to go that extra bit to make sure that I don't lose my job. I am the only support the kids have - D especially. He needs to finish university and I know he is hurting at the thought that the struggle is there to keep him in university. It's hard watching him go without so much because he feels like he can't ask. I am proud of him every day but I don't catch him much slack when it comes to finishing his Bachelor's degree. I'd be making twice as much right now if I had of just stayed in school 6 more months. STAY IN SCHOOL!

K1 in Auzzieland is a worry. Is this how Mom felt as I boarded the plane for TO. Oh wait, she went away and didn't take me to the airport. Did she do that on purpose? She had a way of saying things without saying anything at all. Life was like that for her. She seemed to know the best ways to teach a life lesson and still let you know how much she loved you. I hope I can be half the Mom she was by the time my days are done.

Sometimes it feels so liberating to be living this new life. Other times I wonder who I am letting down. In my heart I am very comfortable but I sure do miss my friends. It's sad that boundaries play such a major role in friendships. Thank goodness for W, having my best friend with me is so comforting. I envy his ability to fall asleep. His snore is so comforting but does keep me awake. It's instantaneous when he falls into a deep slumber. In and out, as he breaths, the rumble is a calming to me. It helps me to know just how far I have come. Unfortunately, with having to work, I can't afford to lose the sleep. There are times when I go to the next room and just sit by the door and listen because it has become such a part of my life now. I wish I had W's ability to let it go. Maybe in time, that trait will wear off on me. Here's for hoping.

When the unfairness of everything creeps up it can overwhelm me. Like today. I sit here and I wonder - will it ever be fair? Will the people who hurt others so deeply ever feel the pain they have caused? Don't get me wrong, I have a keen understanding of the Atonement and that end of it which requires me to forgive others. I am mostly just asking the question I know we all ask in our lifetimes.

A person from the ward phoned me the other day. She came right out and asked why I wasn't at church anymore. I kind of laughed because she is barely active herself. I respected the question though. As we spoke she asked why W and I hadn't gotten married in the temple and then in her "outspoken and honest to a fault" way of speaking she said - "oh, I just assumed you weren't worthy". WOW, is that what they were all thinking. My mom had a saying about assuming things. I don't think I was surprised though. It made a lot of what was happening make sense. Really, almost 50 years old and people still talk about you and their assumptions about morality. I wonder what they think now.

For a while I stopped taking the sacrament. Was that it? Funny, I never thought that people would make that assumption from it. I simply stopped taking it because of the hate I was harbouring in my heart. M had stopped paying child support and the girls were talking more about their thoughts about their childhoods. I found myself loathing him and every time I went to take the sacrament I knew that with the hate I was feeling I wasn't worthy to take upon myself HIS name. I was also in a place with my testimony that had the missionaries been to my door I wouldn't let them in. I wasn't sure that if I was asked if I wanted to be baptized again that I would even answer yes. It seemed hypocritical to take the sacrament under those circumstances. Now, I guess, they all think it was for other reasons. I guess I should have put two and two together, I should have put the way it looked ahead of the way I felt..... you know what. No. I wouldn't change it even knowing what I know now because I am at peace and I wouldn't have been able to be here if it wasn't for that decision.

I wonder sometimes how different I would be if my parents hadn't of joined the church. Grandpa has said that joining the church fundamentally changed his family. I think it did in some pretty major ways. I know my brothers would be very surprised by the thoughts Mom and Dad have shared. We think we know our parents and then they shock us. Parents do that sometimes. I hope I give my kids a shock or two, it sure will make the journey that much more fun.

Well, it's 3:20 AM and I really should at least try and go to sleep. I can hear W, even all the way down here. It's a weird kind of comforting noise, one I am grateful for, even if it does make it a bit more difficult to fall asleep.

Moments That Change You!!!

There are moments in your life that change you. Moments that make you know that every breath you've drawn - every thought you've had - every prayer to sent heavenward - you very life's existence has been worth everything because you are going to be a grandparent and somewhere deep within your soul you suddenly feel complete. I've known for some time about this great news. It has come with some worries but what I do know is that my beautiful daughter is more than ready to be a mother. Knowing this simple truth has given me one of the most rewarding and comfortably assuring feelings I have ever experienced.

K1 was in tears as she told me and as we spoke through her fears and concerns, we both understood that the universe had aligned for this to be her moment and her gift. I postponed a journey already scheduled for Australia planned for earlier this month, choosing to make the time for being there when the baby comes in the fall. Something my mother did for me some nearly 28 years ago, something that speaks to the tradition and honor of motherhood to it's very core.

After K1 called I got off the phone with her I sat there praying not just in gratitude but in sheer terror for her journey being handled alone, without being there to support her and help her, I remembered my pregnancy with her in TO, of being alone through most of it. I was in and out of the hospital through the whole nine months and I remember being afraid. I do remember the moment she was born. Those memories, the sharing of the first breath your own child takes on this earth, changes you. It changes you forever in one of the greatest ways lire's grand cycle makes possible. You suddenly go outside yourself and you learn to be unselfish when you never realized you were ever selfish in the first place. You love something more than you have ever loved anything in your life.

I feel Mom at moments like this. When K1 was telling me this great news I could feel her, I could fell her JOY. I know that moments like this would have brought out that life learning lessons that Mom seemed to always bring to these situations. I know how much this would have meant to her, to be here for this. I know that right now, that sweet little spirit is with her now, learning about all the glass houses and about loving someone more and I can't think of a better place to be while she/he waits to come to this world and meet the mother who will make his/her journey the most incredible experience ever had.

My prayers go to Australia, my heart is there all the time. I can't even describe just how amazing it is to know that in just over 6 months from now my role as Mom is going to transcend to Grandma and I will then know all the JOY - Happiness and elation's that word imparts.

Thank you beautiful K for making my life complete in so many more ways then you will ever comprehend.

It's Time, no more pretending.

I have taken a break for a bit. I wasn't sure how or what I would write to address this but I can't even find a quote that makes sense. These words may make some of you disown me but I can't keep hanging on to what really was drowning me in the first place.

What am I on about - well, here it goes.

About 5 years ago I began reading a book "Rough Stone Rolling" by Richard Bushman. I bought it at the Beehive bookstore and did so because I have always been interested in reading about church history. I have read the entire volumes of Church History and they never made any sense to me. Through out the texts they intersperse the quotes and history and it appeared as if the fragmented writings had been pieced together in a way to best suit the history that the writers felt made sense. I have read a number of biographies and love understanding the nature and circumstances that make great people even greater so picking up RSR was just my nature. This book took me over a year to read because with each chapter I felt more and more enlightened and yet robbed because what was in that book was not the history that my church life had taught - in fact - it was very different.

I first spoke to Bishop L about it. We had a very intellectual discussion and though the words and the history disturbed me what I did have intimate knowledge of was that there are leaders who though are inspired in their callings can still be very evil men. Unrighteous dominion was a concept I had great knowledge of and because of it I was able to accept the principal of leaders being men as well with faults that sometimes seemed inconcievable.

I remember having a conversation with my father about the "sanitized" version of church history that not only was I taught in seminary but that in turn, I taught to others. He acknowledged that truth and we discussed other issues as well. It was at this time that I came to feel that as different as what I had known to what I now knew to be the truth I had always valued my membership, I felt I was a good person because I was Mormon.

I lived this way, struggling in a ward full of people unwilling to forgive me for things they had heard about me but weren't true for a long time. I went to support my last child who remained active and in the same breath began to acknowledge to my daughters that I recognized their growing concerns and no longer dismissed their assertions as "anti-Mormon" rhetoric. I felt like I was walking on the tight wire of a barbed wire fence. Either way I went, I felt stretched beyond belief.

I found a site on the Internet called "Staylds.com" and found a haven to where I felt peace. I wasn't alone. I had made it through my crisis of faith and still was able to find a way to be both LDS and enlightened to what I felt many had fallen to. I had survived, I had a testimony of being Mormon, of loving God and of finding the strength to continue in a ward that had become almost impossibly unwelcoming. I could give you dozens of examples but then it would just diminish the journey of finding my way through it all.

Fast forward to just under a year ago. W and I had decided to pursue a sealing in the temple. We loved each other and felt right about going for it. We were worthy and ready and though I knew the process was going to be difficult I was prepared to open the wound, to find a way to make it a journey of Joy because in the end, W and I would be together forever, a goal I had always had for myself and one we shared together.

The journey began with an interview with my current Bishop who was also a friend. He had been through much of the turmoil with me and was what I thought, a supporter. We met and I expressed the desire to go ahead, he explained that he would need a letter from me but that one from M would be unnecessary as he would most probably be vicious. He asked that I write it and that I forward it to him for editing. He also asked to take any emotion out of it, that filling the letter with it would only be hurtful and not work towards proving my having gotten over all the abuse that as a family we had been through. I agreed and over the next month we went back and forth a couple of times. Every emotion was removed and in the end it was simply a plea to be allowed to go forward in W and my eternal lives together.

BH then said it was in his hands, he would get back to us. 2 months later W asked him prior to sacrament meeting where he was at with the process, his look said it all, he had forgotten. He apologized profusely and promised to get right on it. As disappointed as I was I never questioned that his remorse was real. Two more months go by and again, we ask. This time, in the interview, I also spoke to him about the legal document that M served me the day after his sealing to his current wife to eliminate child support. In it, it states that when he was to find work again that either party could request support to start again.  D was starting university, and was still thinking of a mission, could he petition M, rather than me having to spend thousands of dollars to have M meet the MORAL obligation he had to his son. BH said he would and apologized yet again for forgetting about the cancellation. This was in late June.

Going into the next two times that BH and I spoke and his apologies for continuing to forget can only be aggravating to discuss. What I will say is how it felt. My very salvation seemed forgettable, I was so hurt. It was around this time that I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. I was asked to speak on testimonies and as Brother M asked me he spoke about addressing the issues of the struggle and coming through it, I was to speak 12 - 15 minutes. There is a long and sordid circumstance here but suffice it to say that it was a very real nightmare. In my almost 50 years of church activity I have never felt more hurt and more discarded. Had what happened to me involved any other members of the ward it would have been addressed but because of who it was - I was expected to apologize and the irony here is that when I did, I genuinely felt sad and remorseful for having caused the unintentional hurt someone felt I did. The reverse was not so and as a matter of reason, to this day - no apology has come forward. It became apparent to me, more than ever, that I was socially on the bottom rung and because of it, I would always be expected to forgive being treated badly and those doing it remained untouched because of "standing". I tried to go back once, no twice and both times I was greeted with disregard. My standing was cemented and I knew that though this church preaches the atonement and forgiveness it is very rarely afforded when you haven't the correct pedigree or callings to protect you.

I felt heartbroken, I still do. After everything I had gone through, after surviving so much, here I was being told that there were people at church that didn't what me to be a teacher, that I could never expect anyone in the High Priest quorum who had heard M's assertions to ever treat me with any kind of respect. I knew my decision when I went to the Christmas social to hear D play and while in the hallway, a member I have known for over 25 years, who knew the truth of the life I had had, who I had supported through all her own personal trials with her kids, shook her head when she saw me and walked away rather then even saying hello. It was the last time I went but it wasn't the last time I spoke to BH.

I wrote an email asking to be released from my calling. I didn't want to be forced on anyone. For over 20 years I have been in and out of RS and in all those years the same 10 women have sat in the same seats and have refused to contribute in lessons with those they feel shouldn't teach. Oh yes, I had the support of some amazing people, teaching in front of the other women was pointless, defeating and considering how dispensable I was anyway, I could do it anymore.

BH responded quickly, first with a message that was positive but when we did finally connect his demeanor was much different. We spoke about how I felt about how my salvation seemed forgettable, about how he continued to forget. I will say that he confessed to being 'slothful" but felt it was inspired. I still don't know what that means. He spoke to me about the fact that he would be moving forward and that he was going to be getting back to me and that it would be in a few weeks. It has now been over a month and all I can say is no doubt, I am sure he has forgotten again.

I have spoken about my respect for my home teaching Brother S. He called and expressed the he missed me at church. I respected his call and we spoke for about a 1/2 hour. He asked if I was concerned that my actions in the end were proving to some that M was right all along. I responded by saying that I knew who I was and I knew my Father in Heaven loved me and understood. Not being there wasn't admitting anything except being weary of trying to worship in a ward unwilling to forgive. I can't change attitudes that have been entrenched in a culture for multiple generations of time. I know who I am and whether I go to church or not, it was never going to change the opinions of those who have no desire to think any more of me than they already have. Brother S didn't know M well and because he didn't M was unable to convince him otherwise. He expressed his dismay at losing the "quality" members because of the actions of others and I expressed to him that indeed, I was giving up on the ward but not on my own personal faith.

So, where I am now? Very happy. My testimony is much different than it was even a year ago and whether I go to the LDS church or not it isn't going to change who I am on the inside anymore. I will never see myself or my children as lost and I believe in a God who knows and understand our journey.  M goes to church all the time, he appears perfect in every way and no doubt frequents the temple monthly if not weekly. None of that makes him a moral or good man. He is still the person that came close to destroying the lives of 5 people, who turned his back on his own son and does nothing to support him. When he goes through the temple recommend questions he answers that he is current is his child support when he hasn't paid a dime in nearly 3 years but because he appears perfect and because his harm isn't seen in the black and blue bruises he remains untouchable. When I met the second last time with BH he had a 12 page letter that M had written full of his vengeance and drama of his narcissistic view of the reasons we divorced. His words unedited, full of emotion. I realised then that fairness and compassion wasn't ever going to be available within the walls of the lds church for me. I think it was then that I knew that I was done. I couldn't ever come to terms with the gender bias of the whole cancellation process.

I have more angst than hope in the church of my last 50 years both because of how I have been treated and because of what I now know with regards to the governance of the church. I have made the peace with those I needed to understand why I was leaving, they understand and that is all that matters now.

Will BH call? I doubt it, but when my good friend the RS president called to announce the good news of her own engagement, one thing I knew for sure, BH would not be forgetting her cancellation, that's for sure and more than that, I am genuinely happy for her and for her own journey of faith and endurance. She deserve her happiness in her terms, she has worked hard for it and she deserves not to be forgotten.

Never Giving Up