Each Person Knows Only Their Own Pain

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” ~ Paulo Coelho

When someone has been the victim of mental/emotional abuse for so long one of the difficult and lasting effects rests directly on self esteem. It’s insidious in nature and can affect the victim for life. Years of counseling and trusting the Lord has helped me to surface and breathe again. My daughters struggle as well. My son escaped most of it because we left before any lasting scars could take hold.

A residual result of this abuse has been to be angry at everything that comes close to the emotional weapons that were used against us for so many years and unfortunately, one of those weapons was the church.

It has been brought to my attention that I may sound angry at the church and have offended some who feel it’s a personal attack against their belief system. For this, I am sorry; that wasn’t my intent. I have to be clearer as to whom my disappointment rests. It isn’t the church, it is very much a people issue and when I say that, I don’t mean everyone.

Let me explain.

For many years, the church was used as a weapon in our home. In my case, for example, I was never my ex.’s spiritual equal, ever. He reminded me of this my whole married life to him and saw it as the reason he was failing at everything in his life. His prayers, his blessings, his everything was used to remind us of how we were failing him. Through family prayers, scripture reading, family home evening lessons he would simple batter the lessons home and call us to repentance. Now please, let me say here, that the Father does have and should use the gospel to help children grow and learn but when it is used in such a narcissistic way, it only compares to a hammer, heck, an anvil being bluntly used to beat you down. Doctor Z alluded to it being the equivalent of rolling up the Ensign magazine and striking over and over again until you begged for mercy, and even then, he didn’t stop. How many times I prayed for some sort of change, something that would make our family succeed.

This was a difficult life for us and while in it, hope was difficult to fathom. One expectation he did have was that our dirty laundry was to stay within the walls of our home. Airing it anywhere else was forbidden and so, nothing changed. It wasn’t until it became unbearable and that it was written over all of our faces that people began to notice. Someone reached out and healing began for us and campaigning became his new weapon. His comments equaled calling his daughters horrible names not just to their faces but to any one who stopped and listened, or for that matter, didn’t stop. He was aggressive in his defense and it didn’t matter who he took down in the process. Ultimately, there were no more family secrets and the dirty laundry from his perspective was blowing all over the place.

This is when it started to get very difficult for me.

M told anyone who would listen what he felt were the reasons for the demise of our family. To this day he tells people I walked out on him. He hasn’t the ability to understand that walking out was the only option left as he refused to even acknowledge he was doing anything wrong. It was a sink or swim situation and I chose to swim and free myself and the kids from his tyranny.

I have paid a dear price to this day for his words he continues to use to describe our marriage. People who feel strongly that I deserted him and took away his family are openly hostile towards me. I could give examples but the point would be mute. What I can describe is the heartache that accompanies it and the feeling of surrender I fight with daily.

Imagine someone who has known you since you were a little girl, who has been an open supporter and friend suddenly turns his back on you, snarls and curses you and when assigned to HT you will not enter your home but teaches you in the middle of the street because of what or why, you never get to know, you just feel the hatred and say nothing because in the end, what purpose does it serve. Imagine not be acknowledged or spoken to by people who have known you for ever. Having someone at a High Priest Social, who doesn’t even know you goes to address your new fiancee about how evil you are because he was told by a reliable source, the ex’s step mother, because she truly is unbiased, right? Imagine your own brother turning his back on you. If you can, then you have walked just a short time in the shoes I wear each day.

I am not trying to sound like a pity party. I am just tired and sad and hurt because I have dedicated my whole life to being a member and now, I find myself so dispensable, so unliked, so forgotten and everyday is a struggle to survive in the faith I love. I can’t address the financial and emotional abandonment that has occurred of my children by the man these people think is a saint. I can’t even address the abuse because it serves no purpose to do so and because of that, church has become difficult, downright hard. Feeling accepted and safe is not something that I have in the chapel and building I have gone to for over 25 years. That is what I am frustrated with, that is what brings me great pain.

The gospel is important to me. The testimony I have has transitioned into something much more personal. I don’t bear my testimony on Fast Sundays; I barely speak at church because it hurts so much to be there. Why does it hurt? Because plenty of members have made it clear that I am not equal.

How I long to feel like I belong there. How much I wish that the members could see me for who I really am and not the person that M painted me to be? Church used to be such a friendly and welcoming place, it is so much different for me now. I have tried to ignore it, tried to be positive, tried to oversee the weaknesses we all have, me included and just keep going. Over and over again I am gently and not so gently reminded of my station on the LDS cultural ladder. When things do happen, I am given the advice to continue to utilize the atonement and find forgiveness. It never seems to end, ever.

Recently, the circumstances were so much more personal. I felt stripped and bare to my efforts. Now, even in my hopes of bringing attention to the issue of how we treat each other and to finding ways to have church a welcoming place, some have felt my attacks too personal and against the church. I can’t win for losing here. How much would it take to drawn attention to the harm caused by the judgment and criticism so readily practiced within our faith or to simply find voice and have it addressed to allow those who feel already so bad about themselves, safe within the place they choose to worship? Too much I think, too much.

When we look at the statistics of the church, I am not alone in this. Over and over again I hear of the many who simply gave up because it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I am fighting that so much right now, so very much. It would be easy to join my children and to just be with them. They speak so much of the freedom from not being there, of the value you can find in yourself when you aren’t undervalued by the organization which holds your truths.

So, I will state, unequivocally my belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in its purpose here on earth. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet and a man and I know that for me it is the gospel that holds my heart. If at anytime you have felt that I have no love for the gospel I am sorry. It is, above all else, the people that give me great pause. I will be more careful to be clear on that in future blog entries I make. I am sorry if I have offended you.

Musings and Other Habits - Overthinking or Deciding

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace” ~ Jimi Hendrix

It’s funny; I lived in this surreal environment for so long that I have a hard time determining normal from dysfunction. It’s when I have the help of others that things are brought into a better perspective.

Have you ever wondered why the Savior had a three year mission before the very real reason he came here for was finally brought about. I am speaking of the atonement here. I was reading a dialogue between two people once, one was a member of a religion very familiar to me and the other, a Born Again Christian. The BAC was speaking of the words of the Savior and as he did, you could really understand the message. The other kept asserting the atonement and the resurrection and then it dawned on me. We study four volumes of scripture and they, one. Their entire focus is Jesus Christ and for that, hands down, they have an edge in knowing Him in their perspective.

It made me think; do I know the Savior? Besides His atonement, which I have great debt for, what more do I know about His life, His mission and what He taught in those three years He travelled with his disciples through Israel. I went about finding out, I still am, and because of that I have learned so much.

When Jesus laid down the tools of a carpenter and went forth changing a system ill equipped or wanting of change He came across so many unwilling to hear Him. The same could be said now, how many of us hear Him?

My sister taught me the greatest lesson of all about this when she said, “it isn’t about having others treat you as you would have them do but to find out how THEY wanted to be treated and then go about it”. In other words, serve – and then serve again and when you think you have served enough go out and do some more. I have slowed considerably in this department and always though it meant the church callings you had. Not so. Serving is done in so many different ways and can be just about the service to your family. I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near perfect here but alas, at least I get the message now.

I am making a monumental decision right now, one that Mom had to make at a certain point in her life as well. When I asked her why she made this one, her answer was so simple, “It just wasn’t worth it anymore”. I think now, more than ever, I get what she was saying to me. Sometimes, it just isn’t and turning yourself inside out about it doesn’t make sense. She set herself to being the matriarch of our family and she did a damn good job of it. She was and continues to be a great example of what the priorities should be in your life.

So here’s what it is in a nutshell. I don’t fit in, too many words, too many accusations, too much pain. It’s not a timeout – it’s a a break until I can figure out why I am there in the first place.

Winter's Arrival

“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It’s cold here! I mean really – really – really cold. It is almost minus 30c without the wind-chill. When you factor that in you have almost minus 50c. I can’t describe to you the feeling of walking outside a warm home into that cold except to say, go sit in your deep freezer for a bit and then we’ll talk.

I have such vivid and wonderful memories of growing up here in this miserably cold climate. Included in those memories is skating at the community rink outdoors until you couldn’t feel your toes anymore, getting out of the Saturday night dance to a freezing car and hearing the engine clug-clug-clug to life and cuddling until the car got warm enough to finally get going and fires at Lake Bonavista while you were skating, tobogganing behind Willow Park chapel and walking home from school with the snow crunching under your feet and your breath visible through your scarf that was wrapped around over and over again. All of them bring smiles to my face.

My asthma has worsened through the years and the biggest trigger I have is cold. I can’t be out in it long before my lungs begin to labor and the pain intensifies with each indrawn breath. I get frustrated sometimes because I would love to sit and enjoy the fire by the lake or walk through the crystallized forests of Fish Creek after a hoar frost has settled in the valley.

This morning, I saw something I hadn’t ever seen before. It was beautiful. Outside my window of the 26th floor of the downtown office building I work out was literally a vision of layers of snow crystals. The light fractured through them and it looked like someone had sandwiched the beauty the snow and cold has to offer. It can be so hard to find beauty in such a miserable thing as a freezing cold day could be. I think it was a blessing because when I sat down and turned to put my boots away I was begrudging the cold and finding the misery in it.

It’s another of those LIFE LESSON moments for me. Even in the worst of circumstances you can, if you look hard enough, find the beauty in it after all.

Winter came down to our home one night

Quietly pirouetting in on silvery-toed slippers of snow,

And we, we were children once again.

~Bill Morgan, Jr.

The Miracle of a Single Flower

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." ~ Author Unknown

My Mom, after years of working so many difficult jobs found her niche in the world when she formed the company – JOY OF FLOWERS. Hundreds if not thousands of brides fell in love with my Mom and her artistry as she brought the beauty of floral arrangements to their weddings and receptions. I worked for her for nearly 15 years, both paid and unpaid and what she taught me in the basement flower shop was that beauty can be found anywhere if you look hard enough.

She had her favorite flowers; I think it’s a tie between the gladiola and the gerbera daisy. You would have thought it would have been something exotic or rich in texture like a rose but she loved the simple and beautiful garden flowers. She would go to the wholesalers and buy hundreds of flowers every Wednesday and I would tag along just to stand in a room full of beautiful blooms with a remembered fragrance I can still smell now as I write. They loved my Mom at the wholesalers; I can’t even begin to tell you how much. Her genuine respect for their jobs and they prepared and packed her flowers gave me a life long lesson in the admiring and respect of every job held by every person and their value to the place of employment as a whole.

Every time I go over to the house I am brought pack to the fragrance and commotion of a seven wedding weekend. My sister-in-laws working busily to get the rentals out and mom patiently teaching everyone to design flowers. There was a time, for about 5 years where I would go to workshops and clinics and she had I had such different styles. Mom’s was traditional, mine, very European and when we settled on that, the eclectic brides would be sent my way and then some pretty funky stuff was sent out and the traditional brides found favor in everything Mom designed. I often would say that being eclectic with flowers was easier because there was no rhyme or reason to it but when you have to conform and rules play into it, for me, it was much more difficult. I loved the creativity of that basement workshop and the given’s like cantaloupe, cheese and crackers, the TV on “One Life to Live”, “The Young and The Restless” or Oprah. We laughed until we cried and week after week Mom’s business became everything to all of us.

By the end of a Saturday – all of us would gather around her island to Chinese food and laugh about all the ways we nearly screwed up or on the exchange of church flowers to set-ups. I miss her as I write this. She made life so much fuller then it ever could have been without her.

Because of these great experiences I have been able to see a single rose and understand the creativity of HF and his great plan. I remember when hybrid roses started to come into the wholesaler. It all began with the Lady Di rose which the Holland Botanists created by splicing two different roses together for her upcoming nuptials. It was beautiful and now, when I see the new colors of roses I am so amazed at how far they have come. I wonder what they will come up with for Kate and William’s wedding.

Mom taught me about beauty without ever making it a lesson I had to learn. She was like that, without even trying she made living a classroom and she was the greatest instructor.

So what am I on about?

Sometimes life will throw so much at you all at once and what you have to do is remind yourself of the beauty of just that one flower or that one person or that one thing that makes a significant difference in your thought patterns so you can emerge form the chaos and focus. When simplifying it all and making sure you aren’t overwhelmed you can then see just what it is that should be important and prioritized. This is the one of the many life lessons I have to relearn all the time. I wish it wasn’t so but it is.

Mom had a way of making things sort and become clear. I am sure it was in all those old Scottish sayings that have been handed down from generation to generation that give wisdom at the times you need it most.

So here’s my “Go-Team-Go” for today. You can and you will make it. If at times it feels differently, focus on the one thing that matters most and accomplish it, then the next, and the next after that and what will happen is you will be accomplishing what at first you felt insurmountable. How do I know this works, because I live it everyday.

An Irish Blessing to end with;

May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Where Do You Want To Go?

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.” ~ Lewis Carroll

 What is it about choice that can confound the most intelligent people and yet the simple mind can find it to be little more than a moment’s thought? I am not even going to tell you where I lay on that occasion but really; is the fork in the road that much of a road block?

Decisions can be heart rendering and sometimes the best ones are made on the spur of the moment but how can you know which ones will be? So, as you can see, from the way I am even writing about this, I am one of those that stand at that fork and OVER ANALYZES EVERYTHING. It’s a crazy way to live and can be the source of way too much frustration. Just ask my new husband who I adore as he has the patience to offer the advice and to watch as I flounder in the decision making process. I love him for that.

The “what if’s” are the part of this process that’s killing me. I worry so much about making the wrong choice or even lack the confidence sometimes to make a choice. Then there are times when I just know, deep in my heart, that the thing I may need to do is just do it and trust my instinct. The part of me that’s changing is the instincts are happening more often which then results in those times when it’s not there to be very, very confusing.

I know those parts of my life that require me to choose the fork and quickly, that part I get. It’s when the decision can be ambiguous that I falter, you know, like Alice in the quote. If the choice you make doesn’t really come quickly, does it in the end, matter? I think so but where does it rank on the grand scale of life?

I feel beaten down right now. I am not sure why. Whether it’s because of the weather – burr, its cold – minus 30c out, or just from the drama that has plagued my life recently, but for whatever reason, there are some decisions I am having a hell of a time making.

My children are unique and noisy. They have strong opinions and I love them for that. They have thought, as I have in the past, that they and even I should have a say in each others lives. We are passing through the land of developing boundaries and re learning what all should have known from the start, that having an opinion may not always mean you have a say. I like to hear peoples opinions, they help me in the decision process but are there some decisions so important that having that many can inhibit choices or allow you to hide from the decision making process all together? I think so and I am a perfect example of it, here and now.

I am so worried that I may disappoint people that I would rather sit on a prickly, barbed wire fence than jump off on either side. I know in my heart how I feel but there is a part of me that wonders “what if”? See, there you go, those damn “what if’s” coming at me again.

If you think this blog entry is confusing, you should dwell a time in this crazy mind of mine. When I get overwhelmed and my head and heart start to hurt, I go into W’s arms and rest a bit. There usually isn’t much talking, I just fit perfectly there and when I am in that position, I feel very safe. He gives me the space and patience to think it through silently and for some odd reason, he trusts my opinion. This is all new to me and I am kind of digging it.

What I Wanted Most

“What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.” ~ Helen Claes

To My Daughters;

How amazing is it to know that out there in the world are three of the most amazing women I know. They have hearts filled with gold and compassion and love that would bring a man to his knees and I was so blessed to be able to have them in my life. When I think of the world and all the ways in can knock down a soul I think of my girls and the conquering spirits that are theirs and how, each one, in her own right, came into this world feisty and strong and how, without anyone knowing, they have overcome so much and still share their beautiful smiles to those they trust the most.

Each one came into this world on their own terms.

K1 after being late and going through hours of labor; you made it in time to meet the Grandma that flew across the country and the Grandpa who flew across the world to greet you on your arrival. When Grandma L took you into her arms, tears rolled down her cheeks and all she could say was, “It’s a girl – you are so lucky!” You handled everything so well even being half the size of anyone and when the doctor told me you would be as tall as you are now I remember laughing but he said, he was never wrong and he wasn’t. I remember that day we went and got your first ballet shoes, the smile on your face and the look in your eyes, I should have recognized then the dream that propelled you through so much pain. There are so many moments I regret that we have shared but there are so many more that make me so proud of you always. My dream for you is the one you are living now, to be loved and to be happy. My wish is that you were closer but my heart knows you are where you need to be. I love you, I love you so much.

K2; you tried to make so many early entrances that they hospitalized us for over 10 weeks. I used to lie in that stark and stale hospital room and talk to you for hours. When you came, you wouldn’t even wait for a doctor to get there and thus, a resident on his first day caught you on your way out and he just stared, they all stared, you were so beautiful. Aunt M put it all into perspective with the manila gorilla comment but it never mattered. I couldn’t take you anywhere without being told how beautiful you were. Your strength and will arrived early. “I can do it” was the first sentence you spoke and it has been your mantra ever since. I think of the three girls you and I didn’t see eye to eye the most. I learned early on though to trust you and your instincts. I am so sorry for not measuring up at a time when you needed me to the most. As I look at you know, how I wish I had your fortitude and will power. My dream for you is a love that will see the great value you are and for the life that someone who works so hard deserves. I have no fear that this will come to you, karma will bring it to you, and I know it will. I love you, I love you so much.

K3 entered this world quickly and quietly. You were so small that they thought you were a porcelain doll for over a year. We all learned early that though you were small you were a force and justice was your banner. You were the first to step up if you were wrong and you were the first to step up if someone was accusing the wrong person. You lived through so much so early and yet you seemed unfazed. Everything was brought within and carried alone. You still take on the world and carry it on those tiny shoulders. Through out your life you have also defined it on your own terms without apologies – how I admire that. My dream for you would be for the world to catch up to your vision of it; it would be a much better place if it would. I love you, I love you so much.

One of my Momo friends – I use the ‘friend” term lightly – asked me if I ever regretted unleashing on the world my girls. I have learned to curb my opinions so I simply answered no. My girls are a breathe of fresh air in a world lacking in it. In the world beyond the borders of Mormon Dom my daughters are cherished and respected. For far too long I let those cultural morels determine the value I gave them. NO MORE! What they offer is beautiful and needed and their voices are spoken for the many that remain silent out of fear. I come from a long and wonderful line of matriarchs on both sides whose strengths and words to this day are words to live by. Teaching my girls to “keep Sweet” would have been like teaching a lion to never roar!

I may never garnish the respect or accolades in a culture I barely fit in but as far as the rest of those places I do I am forever and honestly astonished at the three women who will – As the Patriarch blessed me with almost 33 years ago – “be children who will stand on your shoulders and reach higher than you were ever able to.”

They are and they have on their own terms which I am proud of.

Thank you beautiful ladies for allowing me the privilege of calling you my daughters.

The Outstretched Hand

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Did you ever have one of those moments in your life where you just were completely stumped; that anyway you looked at it, it was a lose/lose and picking the worst of two bad choices just doesn’t seem right or even fair? Yes? Well then you know how I feel in this monster conundrum I find myself in currently.

I have discovered that I keep trying so hard to make everything right around me. I’ve learned the hard way that my right isn’t everyone else’s right and for that I am thankful. It has helped me to understand myself better and to appreciate and respect others for their individual qualities that make them unique. There’s a catch though; if someone has the tendency to see things only from their perspective and becomes unwilling to bend, what do you do?

I have some issues in my life that need resolving, the first is with my daughter. This is a no brainer. You fix it. Period. I love her deeply and appreciate her needs. I have been trying to meet them and have done so in all the wrong ways. I am working to make this right and will hopefully find this resolved with her grace and my effort.

The second situation is different and here lays my present conundrum. What do you when intent plays a major role within the situation and the solution as well? It’s a hard road and I am stuck.

The details aren’t important but the results are speaking for themselves. A long and what I thought was a genuine friendship is now in a state of flummox. It’s sad really. I recognize that I am seeing this as a lose/lose because anyway I see this resolving requires that I am the one who has to give in and in spite of what I may see as the underlying cause. The thing that has me most stumped is that this person was the last person I would have thought I would ever find myself in this state with. Weird hey?

The circles of influence around this dilemma have great pull in the paths of my future and that is what brings me to the fork in this road. Though I know my actions resulted in the hurt that she felt, at no point was there any intent to harm anyone. The perfect storm occurred and the perceptions are skewed and because of that, the drenches have been dug deep in defense of perceived right and wrong.

I am not a person who holds grudges and I have learned that justice is irrelevant in our faith so where do I go? How is this resolved? Do I suck it up and accept the full blame even though I don’t feel it is all mine to hold? Because my future paths are determined by my response; do I say, as much as I know that this person feels that I intentionally wronged her and her son, at no point was that ever the thought process I had and in this case, her actions hurt deeply and felt very much like a personal attack within a place that one should always feel of the spirit and have an expectation of safety. It could have waited but anger took hold and delivered an efficacious blow. Her intent was never in question but what surprised me was that her words gave me an unquestioning command of her inner feelings directed towards me which I was completely unaware of. I read her very ineptly.

I have been accused of being too soft, of forgiving too easily. I have always responded by saying; “if my weakness is to do that, I can live with it.” I have become stronger in fortitude and personal faith. This hit a low blow and going to church, even when it was already very hard has become an exercise in absolute inner core strength. I have so many arduous and painful things on my plate and in this case I most literally “shelved” this dilemma to find out where I truly felt I should be. I am devastated at the loss of a friend but when I look at this, I feel the perspective may be that we were never friends because of what she believes I did to harm her. I must admit. Mine isn’t much different.

I watch these shows sometimes called “The Housewives of” whatever city. They are drama laden and cruel and what I am mostly amused by is how some of the women have a propensity to be “in the middle of it all”. I don’t and I know my friend doesn’t either so here’s where I am at. Do I end this by swallowing all the guilt and then simple back away from the pain of it or do I stand up and say – “look to intent” and though you may feel that what I did was wrong, your reaction to it was so intensely personal and forceful that I can’t find a way to make this right in anyway and you are a strong person who I don’t want to have as an enemy.

Who’d have thought that at nearly 50ish I would be caught in such a problematic situation? Go figure.

I know priorities, I know that my daughter is my first responsibility and for that reason, this is shelved. I may pay a price much bigger than you can imagine but this is the way I feel I need to go. It’s my hope that the fall out of this is spread only close to those involved. Here’s for hoping.

Tell Me Truly

A voice said, Look me in the stars

And tell me truly, men of earth,

If all the soul-and-body scars

Were not too much to pay for birth.
~ Robert Frost

For me, one of the major reasons I still cling to my testimony is the belief that I have heard these beliefs all before, like it was embedded in my soul and that it is very much a part of my soul’s song.

So what am I saying?

Well, let’s take the concept of the pre-existence. This is a familiar concept that I have no doubt is true. I know, like I know the patterns of my breath, the way I feel and see that I did in fact live with my Father in Heaven before I came here. He is to me the same instinctual part of who I am as my own Mother was. I know without any hesitation that she and I knew each other before, that I chose for her to be that woman in my life who would mold me to becoming who I am today.

So in saying this then I have a full understanding of what is my role here and what I agreed to before I arrived. I knew that the veil would be cast and that I would forget but what I believe is that there are many times when the Ah Ha moments come and I remember, ever so lightly, that I have seen it before; that all that is hard was agreed to pass through and that it was my HF intent to succeed.

I believe I knew that coming here wouldn’t be easy. I believe that the very thought of breathing and running and enjoying this amazing world overshadowed any fear I might have had and when things get hard I remember just that.

Every aspect of my life to this point has had great purpose in my progression as a soul going through this earthly progression. I would change none of my journey for having lost any of the life lessons I have had or to have what I have now. Though I know I have erred in so many ways on so many levels with each error comes growth so without them I would be as weak and timid as the day I started and the grand design on earth has we know it would be lost in the regrets we all share.

The regrets I have is in the harm I caused others as I made mistakes, I wish with all my heart that I could repair all of it and I know in time, they will be.

Rekindling the Inner Spirit

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

Just over two weeks ago I got a call from a friend, her song was crying out for a reunion, one we take about every year to year and a half. We met through serving on a presidency and somehow, we clicked and though it hasn't always been a piece of cake what it is is wonderful. We packed up and went to Banff and did just as it says; rekindled.

It's an amazing thing to be able to expose your very weaknesses and know that the only thing returned is concern and suggestions and not judgement and criticism. These are my homeys and they give my song rhythm. I had a great weekend and I feel renewed.

Thanks G and K for giving me perspective and hope, I may just have refueled enough to take on the world all over again.

Gifts

I am heading out for the weekend with two of my dearest friends. We don't see a ton of each other but our connection sticks as we gather about every 18 months and share and help each other. I got a call out of the blue about 2 weeks ago and it was like the universe knew we needed our time together again. We are all so different and yet as we come together it's like the sense that we can't find in ourselves is brought out by the others. I have a very important decision to make and though I am pretty sure of what I am going to do these two will bring a light to it that needs to be revealed. These kind of friends are the forever friends where you know, when we pass the pearly gates, the loud whistle from the side lines are my girls letting me know, welcome. I can't tell you how important these kind of friends are in your life.

BBG 1 - I miss you so much, above is a picture of the flowers you and A gave me. I almost hopped on a plane this week but I would have lost my job. Is it okay if I come? I love you and I miss you and I am too embarrassed to ask K2 for your phone number again, she has it on the Iphone I traded her and I forgot to download it. If this is you visiting from Australia, please leave a comment with your number, I love you and want to know when is a good time to see you. Mom

After Thoughts

So, I managed to get through my nerves and go to church. I am so grateful for W and for his patience and understanding. As we sat on the bench reserved for those of us not quite measuring up a new sister came and sat beside me. She asked me if I was D's Mom and talked of sitting with him on the way up to Edmonton for the World Skills competition. She spoke about how amazing he was and as I sat and listened I knew that this was a way for me to know I do need to hear the good instead of all the bad.

The testimony meeting was predictable, except for the second last testimony. A sister who was visiting had gotten up and made her way to the podium. She began by saying that she was a convert of over 40 years, that she grew up around here and that she was visiting her sister who was not a member but lived directly beside the Stake Centre. She told of her Jewish roots and then spoke about her husband, the man in the Leather jacket and jeans. She then told a history that made me realize why I was there, why I need to get over myself and belong because I have a right to belong.

40 years earlier, she and her husband eloped because back then, Jewish girls didn't marry "jack Mormon" boys. They landed in Provo and decided on a whim to go to church one day. They were hard living people and smelled of their vices and when they went to sit down, people actually moved away from them. She was devastated and he was thinking, 'I told you so". As the meeting progressed and her resentment deepened she was sure that she would never return. The meeting ended and an older gentlemen came towards them. He apologized for those who had moved away and said that Sacrament was for those less perfect not for those who saw themselves as perfect, that they belonged there and could they give it another chance. She spoke of how this older man changed that whole meeting for them and how his single act of kindness changed the direction of their lives. They had been active for over 40 years, raised their children in the church and held many callings all because one person stepped up, in spite of the ostracizing of the others.

For that testimony alone I was there. To hear that everyone belongs and though many may feel differently, one can make a difference. So, here I am, still hurting and still trying but I need to be grateful for what I do have. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to.

Should it Feel Like This?

Waking up this morning a feeling of anxiousness folded over me and I realized, today, I get to try again. Funny that you would ever use the verb try when coming to the action of going to church. It never used to be that way. Now, however, I spend the morning trying to forget how hard it is and finding that place that A. says gets you there for yourself.

There was a time when church meant everything to me, when being there was a natural as waking up and moving through the day. Now, it feels like a minefield that I maneuver through to not be blown to emotional smithereens. How I wish all the pain and hurt that meets me there wasn't there. There are those that say it should be about me, about my worship, about my renewal but even it that I have been called selfish.

Somewhere out there are members who see each other as equals, as all struggling to be better and willing and able to aid each other in the journey, not tear each other up for the perceived failures they attribute to each other. When I fit in, they left me alone. Now, with the scarlet letters on my back announcing all my faults, I am the one to use as the proverbial punching bag. The excuse to feel better about themselves.

The last time I was there was the worst and today, I will get through my pain and fear and try yet another time because under it all, I love the gospel and people, weather they need to be as unwelcoming as they are or not, cannot deter me from the truths I hold dear.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you know someone like me who struggles, sit by them, and make them feel welcome. You have no idea just how hard it was for them to get there in the first place.

A Test

“A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.” ~ Abraham J. Heschel

I had a wonderful day yesterday; it was my birthday. I am not a big purveyor of having over the top birthdays. For the most part, in my past life, they were always horrible and hard and compared because M’s was followed so closely behind mine. It got to a point when I just wished they never came because of all the anxiety that would surround them. Now, I am just grateful for a day that I can say means 1 year older and 1 year wiser.

My family generally recognizes it, K1 and A sent flowers which was wonderful and made me think of hope, I miss her so much, K2 took me to lunch, K3 called as she was having a difficult week filled with lawyers and court and family and D cleaned his cycloned portions of the house that desperately needed it. My sister and brothers phoned and sent messages and even my Dad, who as a general rule forgets it, but he remembered.

W was so sweet, he brought home a cake and covered my eyes as I went towards it to blow out the candles. It made me think about what was so wrong before and what’s so right now. We went to a fabulous dinner alone and just enjoyed each other, it was lovely……. Until the table just two tables over exploded in an argument.

Here was this lovely old woman with I who am sure was her son. The conversation started loud and then became heated. W looked at me and I was just horrified. She must have been in her early 80’s and here was her son telling her to shut up and using profanity. I sat back and reminded myself this wasn’t my conversation and tried hard to not hear it but it just got louder and louder. Our waiter came over to us and apologized and I think most everyone in the restaurant was just so stunned that we, and I mean everyone, did nothing.

At one point, when he said to her… “You can be such a bitch sometimes!” I wanted to get up and go over there. I was running through everything that I would have said; like – “do you know what I would give to have my Mother across the table from me. Can you not just cherish that she’s here with you?”, and “whether your relationship with her has been difficult or not throughout your life, at some point you just have to let it go!”. W almost got up but I stopped him. In retrospect I probably should have let him say something.

As the argument died down and it appeared as if tears were trickling down the old woman’s cheek, W turned to me and spoke about how, in his life he would never speak that way to his Mom and I thought about the times I cherished with my Mom. I just ached for Mom to be with me right then because I know she would have stood up and she would have said something. I just didn’t have it in me, it brought back all the times I would be sitting at a restaurant or at an airport or some place public and I would face the wrath of M. It was so humiliating. This woman shouldn’t have to feel this way ever. I am so grateful I never have to feel that way anymore.

At one point, her son said to her, “Why don’t you go out with your friends and get busy so I don’t have to hear you complain so much!” Her reply; “I would but all my friends have passed away, I wish I would too.” It was then that I almost broke out into tears. I can’t even imagine how lonely it would be to be older and then not have your family for support.

I miss Mom everyday. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I would give to have her across a table from me to help me understand with the wisdom she had for the situations I seem to just be floundering in. I still, though I regret not saying anything to this man, feel that neither W nor I could have made a difference. My emotional Q is a bit low right now and I am sure that had this man attacked I would have crumbled. W was angry, rightfully so, it wouldn’t have worked for him either. What could we have done, what should have we done?

We paid our bill and the waiter apologized again. It wasn’t his fault. We joked with the hostess as we had gone to leave that I had been there some 30 years earlier and the food was just as good and the atmosphere exactly the same. When I got into the truck W took me into his arms and wished me a Happy Birthday one more time. As we drove home, I snuggled next to him on his bench seat and I just remembered again how grateful I am for him, for my new life and for hope.

I have had amazing elderly people in my life, from my Grandma W who lived with us a short time, to Grandma P and L, great Aunts and Uncles and friends. It is true what they say though, a test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is also a test of an individual’s soul.

Climbing In and Taking the Walk

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." ~ Atticus Finch: To Kill A Mockingbird

People have a way about them that let's you know pretty early the way they see things. The one thing I love about my life is that everyone of my friends sees life in such wonderful and unique ways.

I think it was about 5 or 6 years ago when I was re-reading "The Seven Habits" for my new job and the nasty little concept of paradigms came up and another one of those AH HA moments happened. I love those moments because they mean I am growing, which, above all else, is a good thing.

I have a good friend who has a shoe fetish. By that, I should elaborate that we are indeed talking "Imelda Marcos" size fetish and this girl has style. One of my favorite things to do is see what shoes she will be wearing at church. She has many and my faves include bright orange stiletto's with straps, lime green kitten heels and simple black pumps. It helps that she has the most beautiful feet that suits a women engrossed in the love of shoes. She saves her pennies for the love of the heels, and I have been shoe shopping with her so I can attest to the skill and time she takes in picking the perfect shoe. There are no "trends" adorning her soles, all our classic. You know the kind of shoes I am talking about, the ones you would find in a shoe museum!

It helps that she is also the person that taught me about the real life engagement of the adage my Mom bore into us so well. "Until you walk in their shoes - don't judge." A. taught a lesson on this and she came at it with such grace and wisdom. It remains one of the most enduring Super Saturday lessons that has stuck with me. With foot prints around the room, each listing a different trial, the message was clear. We each struggle, we each strive to be better and although we all have the same goals as far as eternity goes, we each definitely come at it in our own way.

Reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" changed me. I read it first in grade seven. It wasn't assigned but I came across it in the Calgary Public Library as I waited to go to swim club. I would sit and read it over and over and found myself identifying so much with the characters, especially Scout and found that I was indeed living through the words of Harper Lee. Most of the concepts of the book were foreign to me. I was living in Calgary when prejudice was something I was never exposed to because there wasn't much to be prejudice about. I do remember being outraged at the injustice of the plot and thinking that Atticus would have been a dream to have as a father not ever realizing just how much my own Dad was like him.

In grade 10 we studied the book and I was learning to connect words and thought well by then. I wrote a paper on identifying with Scout and literally walking in her shoes here in Calgary. In grade 7 I couldn't see the hatred around me, in grade 10 I was becoming keenly aware of the differences that were in my culture all along.

Today, I think differences have made a bigger part in my life. I find myself having to pare away an instinct to be angry at those I think don't make sense. I try hard to see colorless cultures and be about people without preconceived notions but I still fail. I was afraid of voting for Naheed Nenshi for mayor because of the color of his skin and had I just dug a bit deeper I should have seen his qualifications were impeccable and he was offering what I was looking for, something much different than what had been our City Hall for far too long.

There is a test you can take called the Meyers Briggs personality sorter when you see where you personality levels on 16 different types. Your score weighs to one or another and in the end you are assigned 4 letters, ISTJ, ENSJ and so forth. I am not going to reveal where I fell in this but what I will say is that when you take this test to another level, where would the Savior score. The answer is simple. Neutral. He would be no more one letter than another and for that moment I realized that this concept should be a goal.

When we walk in a world where we can truly understand and have compassion for all that is around us, we become someone who can truly wear another's skin and be comfortable in it. I am so far from ever being able to do this but it is my wish to first see the world from another eyes before I ever try and have them see it from mine. I think that's the first step.

Quality of Intent

“What is the quality of your intent?

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent. ~ Thurgood Marshall

I have thought a lot about this quote. I wondered if this could be a blanket statement for anyone, that in fact all words could be judged from the intent and not the content. Really? I think the spoken word for sure.

I remember a time when I was asked by a friend to be with her as she spoke to her ex spouse about an issue that was very volatile. I was scared but I knew that she would have been with me if asked the same favor so I said yes.

Her ex showed up angry and demanding until he saw me come from behind a door. His demeanor changed but his words were still much fueled filled. The level of tone in his voice said it all and as I witnessed the exchange I realized that he and she were so engrossed in the feelings of their split up that they had lost the purpose of their conversation. He was no guiltier the she was. It was like they were burying each other without even understanding just what it was they were doing to their kids.

It was hard to watch and hear and brought back so many difficult memories that I walked away in tears. I had lost my temper at them and told them both what I felt. The level of emotion was high but what caught me was the intent of the words, especially his. He was out to hurt her and said things that only he knew would cause her harm. Like I said, when he called into question his step daughter’s morality after only moments before naming all the women he had slept with only to hurt my friend, I learned a deep and abiding lesson about words and the weapons that we can turn them into.

I have had plenty of disagreements in my time. I have a weakness that only those very close to me know and when they attack me on it, it can most advantageously drop me to my knees. The pain is deep and the intent, purposeful. As I deal with others, especially those that I am disagreeing with, I try now, very hard, to not let my anger slip into the intent of my words. It’s hard, especially with my written word.

I measure before I speak, I think about the words and the use of them. I have also learned to sense the intent of others and find myself steering clear of those that use intent to harm people.

I admire those whose words and action remain consistent. They are few and far between. A good example is Eckhart Toile. As you read his words, the peace that is the intent rests beside them and you feel calmness, a sense of completeness. There are others as well, certain authors of the BOM, the bible, Jane Urquhart – a new Canadian author has a sense of lyric to her words and you read her novels just to feel the rhythm of her novels. There are people too. A Sister P who is a convert exudes peace and serenity when she speaks; I love her energy and calmness. When she joined the church I saw in her the promise of all that being Momo meant. She still is this way; it’s a dream of mine to find myself like her in any way.

Lately, a seething resentment has surfaced at the unfairness and lack of justice this Momo world can have. I have learned to fight it and force it back down. It is when it is near the surface that I find the intent of my words originating from the wrong sphere. I retreat and cave and relearn and when I am ready I return, hopefully to be a better person.

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow"

The Road of Life Twists

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are” ~ C.S. Lewis

Time has a way of making the picture clearer, always. I have found that if I stay back and wait I can see exactly what it is that is best for me and then decide. Lately, my judgment has been off and my intuition has floundered. It is when I seek the advice of friends I can usually have a better understanding. Now when I say this I am not talking about bouncing this stuff off everyone around me, I am speaking of those few to whom I have great admiration. The ones that have truly gleaned the life lessons that make their wisdom that much more valuable. They somehow have an instinct to know the best way to react to any given situation.

Far too many times too many people know too much about the people in their social group, like to Momo’s. My sister calls it the fish bowl, others have less pleasant names but anyway you look at it, it’s a voyeuristic view of someone else’s life. It comes in the form of concern or through the callings of VT’ing or HT’ing which when done in the right spirit can be a beautiful blessing in a life but when done as an intrusive nature, it becomes overbearing and trodden. Thus lays the balance and the rungs of the social ladder.

When is advice the best laid case for social friendship and when does it become harmful? Oh, and who decides which is which?

The best laid plans are never quite as easy as you would think. For me, by the grace of God, I have had wonderful advice. I have friends with ions of life experience that when we speak they then offer an intuitive response that makes my pathways clearer. I have been able to avoid major catastrophes by listening to the wisdom my great friends provide. I have been blessed.

So what am I on about?

Gratitude, as President Monson asked us to explore this conference.

“This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.

We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he: “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”

President Smith is telling us that a prayerful life is the key to possessing gratitude.” Oct Conf Sunday Morning Session

I have been overwhelmed in my life by the negative. As my wise husband said, “you are over analyzing and dwelling too much”. I hear him and I live life NOW and in the MOMENT because that is all that you truly control. My past ways still haunt me however and I can dwell too much and too long. This is where my gratitude comes into play. I have wonderful friends and family who give wise and great advice and because they have I am finding that even for myself, I am making better choices. Time is such a wonderful healer.

I am also grateful for wonderful kids – ALL OF THEM – in spite of what others may think. The other day, someone asked, what was more important, a kind child or active child. I said that when it is all said and done, and we reach the pearly gates, He isn’t going to ask you what positions you held, or how much money you have, He will ask, how you treated others. My kids are good kids, kind people, and honest people. I have been very proud of them, always! They have wonderful lives filled with hope and loves, what more can a mother ask. If they aren’t sitting in a meeting gossiping about the failures of their friends, I am not sad. The fish bowl wasn’t for them, that‘s all. Somehow, I think He understands.

So yesterday I played hookey. I was going to head out to the mountains but instead spent the day chilling and finding my head space. I hope that I can find my place again somewhere in the ward I belong. I am not sure though, I think the gate is shut and may be too high to cross over.

So here’s what I think;

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~ Don Williams, Jr.