Life Lesson #8 It's OK....

8. "It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it."

One of the life lessons my parents instilled in me was the belief that everything has a way of working out. My Mom would tell me it was like doing the wash. Things may get dirty but they will eventually be clean again and that, in some cases, it just takes a whole lot more detergent. I think about this concept often and have added to it my own belief in what some would call “Karma” or comeuppance. We reap what we sow, it’s just in the waiting that life can sometimes seem unfair and a belief in deity can be challenged.

I try not to look back too often to excuse my today’s but sometimes, when I have to make difficult decisions or change my plans, my yesterdays reap their ugly heads and my heart fails me. Early this year my Bishop recognized that the influence, as little as it was, that came from my past was destroying me. He put forward a plan and for the first time I really got angry at God. It’s ironic why I didn’t get mad at Bishop H. I guess that comes from my absolute testimony in his representing the Big Guy to me.

I took what he had to say and I went to the mountains and screamed, in thoughts anyway, to the injustice that was being asked of me. Why me, why do I have to give up and do it all myself? Wasn’t I already the sole custodian and caregiver? Bishop H asked me to search my soul and it was then that I realized that my soul was more in jeopardy then it ever had been. I was losing my religion and in the end, that was what some were expecting of me, and as sad as that is to say, it was so ironically true.

I remember my drive to the mountains; I remember my pleading for reprieve and for the answers to the unfairness of my life. I remember begging to be released from the covenants I had made because the requirements being asked of me were too great. I still can feel the sting of the salt from the overflow of tears and the heart ache of just the unfairness of it all.

As I rounded the corner and found myself at my destination a still small voice rested on my soul and gave reverence to the place I was at. To me, there isn’t much difference to the celestial room and those grand edifices to God’s handiwork. The spirit is at both places, just stop and feel it.

I was alone and I was peaceful and I sat and I listened. What I heard was the most beautiful song I had heard to that point in my life. It was the song of trust and understanding and of knowing that being angry was okay but that in fact He did love me and that doing the task at hand would give me great peace and allow my life, even my family’s lives, to move forward.

Well, fast forward eight months. Here I am, no, here we are, happier than we have ever been as a family and content and peaceful and all because I was able to put aside the unfairness and just listen. Some of the greatest lessons we will have come after the greatest trials of our faith. Being Angry with God is not a sin, staying angry is.

To my Bishop; Thank-you. Your wisdom and kindness and your trust in the mantle that has been given you is inspiring and without it my family would not be where we are at today. And to those who live in such turmoil, stop and listen. Hear the song in your heart that draws you to correct choices and follow them. Don’t let the anger overshadow the wisdom of a healthy life. And above all else, have faith in “Karma” or the knowledge that all things in life will eventually be worked out, just exercise the patience and the faith to know it is so.

Life Lesson #7: Cry With Someone!

7. "Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone."

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

Time had taught me such a reserve and respect for the human body and its way to healing and wholeness. I believe, with all my soul that tears is the soul’s escape of pain. I have shed more tears in my journey through divorce than in all the years previous and for now, the tears come rarely but when they do, they are never unwelcome.

I remember one evening, sitting in my parent’s living room at the beginning of the divorce, exhausted and uncontrollably crying with my friend A. comforting me and reassuring me that in time, the pain would cease and the healing would begin. The concept was so foreign to me and it felt like, though my body was parched, the tears would never end, the aching never cease, and the pain would literally consume me. I felt hopeless and there with me was a soothing and reassuring voice reminding me of my HF’s love and devotion and for his process of the atonement and its need in my life.

Well, fast forward three years. A. is still a good friend and everything she assured me of has come to pass. They say, the opposite to love is indifference, and for me, it has set in. But even more than that is this unending spectrum of gratitude I have in my life. The Lord could not have blessed my journey more than He did; He could not have littered my path with more convenience and life lessons. I am in such debt to those friends who truly cried along side me. Who lifted me when I couldn’t lift myself, who carried me when my burdens were too great to carry alone. My journey is so much a part of who I am and believe it or not, without it, I would not be the woman I am today. For that mere fact alone, I am so very grateful.

There is a point, wherein like the atonement; the Savior had to go it alone, for true healing to occur, so must you. There are times when you must cry alone, find the alone, and embrace it. It’s not a long term concept, more a place where within yourself you find that reason that brought you to that point. As much as you would want to be blameless in your situation, without finding your own issues which are yours to own, you will only bring the issues forward to whatever new relationships you will have and they will taint any growth in them. Alone is where you find these, deal with them and correct them. It is good to correct these; it completes the healing and allows trust and true happiness back into your life.

I cried the other day, in front of others. As I tried to explain that in fact the tears were of happiness it seemed a mute point. This soul wrenching, deep intoxicating happiness I feel is to my core and strengthens me everyday more and more. My core is whole, my core is content and it is at one with the universe and I am so grateful for every tear that I have ever shed. It has been so worth it. I am more grateful for the tears that were shared and for the wisdom and strength passed on by those whose journey preceded mine and it is my hope that I can help those whose journey is just beginning. That is the universal role we all play in each others lives. The sharing of our burdens and the lifting of each others souls.

Life Lesson # 6 You Don't have to Win...

#6. "You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree".

When I thought about this lesson I had to take pause. Obviously, because I am divorced, arguing was a part of it. I behaved badly because I had no idea to what extent the toxicity was in my life. Uncle was a noun, never a verb and the argument was never over until someone, usually me, was in tears or begging, and I mean literally begging, for it to stop. Dr. W helped me to understand my role and taught me the word “boundaries” and you would be amazed at how that simple culmination of letters can change your life.

I would often wonder if we weren’t simply arguing for the same thing but just involved ourselves in contention because no one stopped to listen. I tried once to just let it go and that wasn’t good. What I do know though is that it is possible to exist in a relationship of give and take and that sound reasoning can be had to resolve any difference. And sometimes, it’s okay to bend. You don’t always have to give away your soul or take everything for the disagreement to be over.

There are some aspects to life where agreement is essential. Raising kids and the way about going about it, your core beliefs, your love language, or at least understanding them, and trust. Without knowing these attributes you could be in for a fairly rough ride.

So where my life is at now, we very rarely have arguments around here. We do disagree but overall, feelings and emotions are in check and we try to care. This sense of peace is hard earned. We check each other and know that fighting gets no one anywhere and though we have strong differences in the way in which we lead our lives, we respect the plan of salvation and the principal of choice.

And we love, and because we do, we listen and we care. I have a friend who when I say something and he hears me, I stand in amazement. The thought that someone can hear you and care enough to at least try is so foreign to me that I spend much of my time wondering what to do with it. I am literally afraid to open my mouth and request because I value so much the hearing. I don’t ever want to take advantage of it. It is a gift when someone hears you, cherish it.

So, the essence is that indeed, in life, there will be arguments and disagreements and the secret to it being ineffectual in destroying your relationships is in the letting go. It is in the understanding of your significant others needs to yours and the importance of choosing which arguments are important enough to compromise through. If two people have each other’s best interest at heart, each will win.

Life Lesson #5 Pay off your Credit Cards

#5. "Pay off your credit cards every month."

So, the one good lesson that remains from my marriage is the principal of living a debt free life. The principal of living without debt has been taught from the pulpit of conference for many years. It has never had as much relevance as it has in these past few months and it is the one lesson that I remain true to.

It hasn’t been easy without the child support or any help from the ex. I am trying hard for D to have the life he deserves and yet he is the trooper no one truly understands. It means sacrifices and pulling the purse strings in but I also know and live by the fact that the winner to this earth race is not the one who dies with the most amount of money. It’s the relationships we share with our families that matter.

A provident life is a serene life and to judge how others live is not in keeping with the gospel. I know men who pride themselves in living so frugally and yet save millions of dollars and spend nothing on their families and I know men who save, carrying no debts and yet live a full and enriched life sharing their abundance with all they see have needs. Being cheap is not a virtue, living within your means is.

So, when the curtain call comes, I will have enjoyed my sojourn on this earth, I will die debt free but I will have lived and truly “Enjoyed the Journey!”

Life Lesson #4 Your Job ...

#4. "Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch."

You would think this one is easy… a real no brainer but in reality there is this behavior that hurt and wounded people do and I lovingly refer to it as caving. I did it. For about three years I simple detached myself from everyone outside of my home and I got sicker and sicker. I remember a dear friend banging and ringing on my door and I just simply couldn’t answer. Couldn’t face the questions or even the answers I would give.

I worked through this and though the people were great they just didn’t know me or have any idea of the turmoil I was in. I finally broke through, with the help of some pretty amazing persistent family and friends who couldn’t take it anymore. Where is the S we all know and love. Yeah, it was a bit of a long road but now, as I look at it, one well worth travelling on. I have no regrets about that time. I know that my body shut down so that it could conserve the energy it would take to recover.

I struggle with knowing what I want to be doing and what I am doing. I work long and hard hours and try to balance what is left of the family I still have at home. It’s crazy, this life. I am so glad that most of my kids were grown before I had to work full time. I really have no choice here without any financial support of the ex. Big D understands and all I want for him is to be happy. The sacrifices we are making and the decisions that have to be thought through for wants and needs are all making him a stronger kid. He may not understand it now, but he will later.

I went through a period of time just last year where I got very sick and needed surgery. It was my family and friends who supported me through it. They were there for me and I am ever grateful for that.

I see men sacrifice their families and their lives working 14-16 hours a day all in pursuit of leadership and prestige. I lived with someone who added to that the pursuit church leadership. Where is he now? He achieved everything he wanted at the exclusion of what this life and our HF wants most for us; our families. If I might admonish one thing and one thing only it is the belief that a good man always fills the needs of his family first. He will support and love those to whom his HF has given him accountability to. His desire to lead will be fulfilled in the role he plays as a father and his example is what will lead to leadership, not his pursuit. Great leaders come out of these circumstances. The best church leaders are those who know their priorities well.

Life Lesson #3 Life is Too Short

3. "Life is too short to waste time hating anyone."

When I think about the amount of time I have wasted in my life having feelings of despair and hatred I want to cringe. I am not saying that I have animosity towards people but through out my marriage there was an assault on my self esteem and the impact is continually felt in my inability to truly grasp how others feel about me.

Elie Wiesel teaches that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Think about it for a moment. What does that mean and how can understanding this concept help you heal? Divorce is ugly and most often is a result of one party walking away, for whatever reason, leaving another heartbroken or hurt. Both emotions illicit hate and the longer you dwell, the longer you obsess and fall to pieces. Stephen Covey would call that a “lose” – “lose” situation, so what can we do, if anything, to avoid or hurry along this part of a process that, whether we like it or not, has to be a factor of the equation?

Understand the concept of hate and note its effect on others by what hate might just do to you. Here’s the difference between the people everyone surrounds themselves with and the ones that are avoided. This underlying insanity of emotion that seeps through our conversations and taints all that we do will most definitely affect our relationships with others… always. You choose what envelopes you; it’s your choice and the longer you hold on the more a part of you it becomes. The more, each day, you lose yourself in the anger that controls you and not letting go will have one final and lasting effect. You will be lost.

How can we turn this to the proverbial Covey “win”- “win”? By simply understanding that life is indeed too short to waste time hating anyone. I have been and seen circumstances where severe abuse has been indentified and I have seen these amazing people forgive. The reverse end of the atonement is essential to the well being of someone recovering from divorce. Yes, they hurt you. Yes, they seem unrepentant, but as long as you hold on to the anger and pain, the abuse continues but it is at your hands not theirs. Once you let go you learn indifference and they no longer control your heart or your hurt and you start to heal. I know this. l live it everyday. I cannot begin to tell you just how truly wonderful life can become once you are indifferent and you let go.

I will always acknowledge that at one time I did indeed love my ex husband. I even loved him through the divorce but now, as the indifference has settled in, I know I no longer feel any love towards him. I harbor no ill toward feelings or distain, mostly, I am sad. That sadness, however, doesn’t bring any other emotions intot conflict. We are over, we have moved on, his relationships with his children are his to own and whatever he may or may not do has no consequence to my existence.

This is how I know I am at the end of my healing. I know my heart is indeed ready to twitter pâté for another. My issues now lie in the concern of my last child. His heart was broken at the disregard afforded him and he needs to know, that for now, he’s the man in my life. Sure I date, sure I twitter pâté, but for now, it’s at his request to keep it slow and steady and acclimate him to the moving on of my life. He’s still young and needy and for now, those needs come first…but only for now. He will soon have to accept that I deserve and need happiness too. The funny thing is, he loves watching me re enter the dating scene, and he gets the biggest kick out of it. I, on the other hand, just feel like I am going to throw up all the time.

So once again, let me restate this important life lesson. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME HATING ANYONE, that means ANYONE. Letting go is the Zen of the healing after divorce. Do it… do it now!

Life Lesson #2 - When in doubt...

#2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.


Have you ever been so paralyzed by fear that you are most literally suspended in thought and movement, completely overwhelmed by the next step you will take? Well, if the answer is yes will it surprise you if I said, join the crowd!

Doubt is a very real feeling, an attitude that will, if left unchecked, control your actions, mood and movement to a better and more whole life. Understanding and changing the “I can’t attitude is the secret to a successful recovery from divorce. There aren’t a lot of options when you are separating and starting two separate households. What once covered one home must now support two and the only way the creature comforts go is out the window. Some even find themselves in poverty when they have never been there before. The only way out is to take the next small step, whether it is school or a new job or even a better job, but an attitude of can’t is only going to leave your helpless and crying out in despair.

For me, I simply became practical. I sat down and looked at the options ahead of me and started to answer the questions that could be answered. One small step after another is now some years later and I have accomplished school while working full time and find myself with a solid career. Would I have loved to choose a different profession? Oh sure, but practicality lead me to where I am and when I am only responsible for my own care, I will chase my dreams.

Doubt will curb any forward movement so a simple solution is to look at your dreams one small step at a time and see that you can in fact, make it happen. What is that gospel doctrine we learned….. “Line upon Line”. You see, everything that matters in life is a process, one small step after another.

I have these amazing friends who like to hike. We go once or twice a year and when we do, it’s almost always a surprise where we go. The trails usually involve a vigorous hike and the ever present “reward” at the end of the hard work. It usually involves some spectacular scenery and a great lunch. If I took into consideration, before I even started, the amount of effort the hike would take I might of quit before I even started but knowing that stopping and resting and moving forward slowly and assuredly results in a Zen experience that is unsurpassed. One small step after the other always offers the greatest of rewards.

Life Lesson #1 - Life isn't Fair!

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”
~ Regina Brett

I’ve decided to switch things up a bit for the next little while. As much as I would love to continue with the quotes I think what I would like to do is take the lessons of this fine women , Regina Brett, who is 90 years old and a columnist for the Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio. I think she has life figured out and I am hoping I can add my two cents to it so here it goes.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.


So often, when something is presented to us, a level of trust resides within that just accepts what is being told as truth and that effort is never needed for that truth to be whole. We live in the belief that because it was said, it is, and we have no responsibility to make it so. Maturity eventually teaches you that what you put into it can make or break the statement.

I remember growing up in this culture that taught the success of life was that marrying a returned missionary was the solution, the Disney version of a happily ever after Mormon life. You could absolutely know and have a fantastic marriage, even when you only knew each other a short time, because the stamp of an RM made it so. Where the reality is that this scenario is not always so and coming to terms with the fact that I may have misunderstood or maybe even been misled with the sentimentality of all of this may lead to the conclusion that in fact “Life isn’t Fair”. I did it all right and still ended up alone. Go figure.

Here’s the place where many LDS singles get caught; the unfairness of it all. You know these types. The never ending stories, the weariness, the complaints. This mind process is overwhelming and oppressive and can get you caught in a cycle that can, if left unattended, be virtually impossible to remove yourself from.

Stop, let go and move on!

I remember vividly the day I woke up and the “unfairness”, though still very real to me, had let go to the reality of gratitude. I didn’t have the anxiety, the abuse, and the fatigue of an unhappy life and more often than not, life is very good. The smile returned to my continence and the laughing began, the shear exhilaration of a contented life reappeared and I was, for the first time in a long time, whole. That was worth all the pain.

Time and healing will bring you to this truth. It is real; “Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good”. Knowing and understanding this concept of our purpose here on earth is what will allow it to complete you. When you understand God’s purpose for you and know that it has essential meaning, you will also understand personal inner peace. Wow, what an amazing state of heart! I’d be hard-pressed to let this one go.