No Bravery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtQjMSfBs90

So, I'm not sure where to start or how to explain this but I will. Since I was a very little girl my Father has always encouraged me to seek truth, we've been here before, I've blogged about him. He taught me about the world and always, and I mean always, wanted and needed me to understand world events and reasons for turmoil and war were essential to being human in a world that we live in.
He was never anti war but he was for peace and safety and justice and taught me that sometimes these things come at a price. My family has a long history of service in wars and I understood early on that war, in itself, has a place.
That place comes when injustice and intolerance over ride wisdom, peace and safety for a people. I am not going to involve myself in an argument of right or wrong here but I want to know... why?
As I watch the TV and see the escalating tensions in India, Afghanistan, Africa, Iraq, Iran, Somalia, hell.... just about everywhere around the entire world and see that in these clips you barely see women and children unless it is some gory cheap shot at tantalizing an audience; Why, please someone tell me why?
Why in the middle east do they have to continue age old tensions about difference in cultures and peoples and make those tensions escalate to civil unrest and in the end, the suffering is had by the women and the children of their own country.
Why, when there is nothing left to fight over and they have exhausted their ammunition's and turf wars do these vile and evil men then attack the women and children of their own country by bombing their markets and city streets?
Why do these so called men call into battle young boys who then grow to inherit hate and continue a pointless and ridiculous battle over religion or a piece of dirt that produces no sustenance because it has been destroyed by greed and envy?
Why must the greed of twisted and prideful men destroy the hope and healing of their own nation.
As I watch TV and see the clips of men, shouting and hollering and jumping in destructive elation at the continuation of the destruction of their own people, is this really sanity.
War is cruel.
War is prideful.
War takes no solace in the heartfelt pleas of mothers and children to stop and end the brutality.
As I saw the pictures of the young Rabbi and his beautiful wife and the frightened nanny who was able to escape with their child and save his life I asked, why? Because a family believes differently, you kill them? Because they serve your very people and provide shelter and live a selfless life you kill because they believe in the Torah?
The father and daughter setting out on a trip of discovery to an Ash Ram to study the peaceful practise of meditation. You kill them because they hold an American passport? WHY! What did a thirteen year old girl and a loving Father have to do with your conflict?
So many others needlessly gunned down because why?
And the truth. 160 deaths and just under 30 were foreigners. The rest were your own people. You are killing your own people. Why?
Why were 4000 people killed in the world trade centers? Because they didn't believe like you?
I will never understand but what I know is this.
In the end, no matter the reason or justification for the battle, the suffering happens alone to the mothers and children of the world.
Selfish and greedy men inflict havoc and the destruction always falls on the innocents.
That is not bravery.
There is no Bravery in that.
I pray for peace.

Viewpoints to Reality

"The human mind, in its desire to know, understand, and control, mistakes its opinions and viewpoints for the truth. It says; this is how it is. You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret "your life" or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge any situation, it is no more than a viewpoint, one of many possible perspectives. It is no more than a bundle of thoughts. But reality is one unified whole, in which all things are interwoven, where nothing exists by itself."

Eckhart Toille

There I go, thinking deep again. There is something about Eckhart Toille’s writings that rings familiar to my soul and the more I read by him the more I understand the reasons why I want to be Mormon and be strong without placing judgment on others. Somehow his words make it understandable to be so wronged by a culture and yet feel the need to have that faith in my life. Yeah, I know; doesn’t make much sense, but wait, let me try to explain.

The struggle of being Mormon for me is not in the doctrines or the principles of the gospel. It remains in the culture.

My divorce has devalued me in it and now, more than at anytime, church can be very lonely. There isn’t a Sunday where I don’t allow myself to feel judged. Now wait; read those words again. I AM ALLOWING the judgment. It may not even be there, it is me that brings those feelings in.

People who have known me my whole life stopped speaking to me when I left M. One woman, who would converse and was very friendly with me prior now will turn and walk away if I am in a hallway she has to go down. But why is that happening. Is it a snub or does she not know what to say or how to feel?

At first, this bothered me. Now, I am coming to terms that there are all sorts of people who have all sorts of different reactions and to know why their actions are what they are is just not something that is ever going to be easy for me to grasp.

What if some of the truth lies within my own behavior?

I may never understand why being single by choice because being married was so destructive changes your abilities to serve or befriend people at church but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t change me and how I treat people. Maybe what I need to do is start trying to reach out to those who may be uncomfortable with me now and make it easier for them to feel safe around the single soul that I am.

I was thinking the other day, as one particular sister almost looked like she was going to die having to be near the singles; "what is it that makes you so uncomfortable around us?" A soft and calming voice whispered to my soul; "because there by the grace of God go I".

AHA moment. Sometimes in this life I live it is closer than some may want it to ever be.

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill

Christmas is coming! It’s been difficult wrapping (mind the pun) my heart and head around it this year. For a couple of reasons it is going to be very different and yet in some very great ways it will be spectacular. Here’s what I am on about.

No Money! The economy sucks and even more than that there is no more child support so the reality is it is going to be a very sparse Christmas.

This is the first year that I will only be able to give in a very minimalist way and I am feeling kind of sad. Usually, I can cash in stocks or find some extra money some where but that just isn’t so this year. So this season my kids are really going to feel it. That’s not so bad. They already understand and have been saying for weeks to each and all of us to scale back. My kids get this and for that reason, even though it isn’t the greatest of news, it’s an opportunity for the greatest of life lessons. I love them for embracing these.

Christmas was Grandma and without her we feel her loss more. It’s hard to live up to what she was able to give in a way that even she felt sometimes was not enough. She gave of her time and energy and she knew what giving was when it came to Christmas. We miss her most at this time of year.

I am doing my best to build that feeling and anticipation for my family in my home and I can see that it is starting to grow. My girls in Vancouver are excited to come home, we here are even more excited that they are coming and all the talk is about spending the time together.

The one thing I think I love that the most about this new and redefined family is very simple. You can’t even imagine what it is like to love being in the company of one another. That wasn’t something that could have always been said to be true so to see it becoming a part of who we are now is AWESOME! It is ZEN!

People look in on my family and see a fractured and broken home. I resent the concept that we are broken in any way. We are mended and thriving and finding in each other an opportunity to utilize the Savior’s atonement to it’s most treasured and profound outcome.

The mere fact that we will sit on Christmas Eve at our traditional fondue evening and smile and giggle and argue that "wine and liquor still isn’t allowed in my house so have some when you get home to yours", in the jest that makes the plan of salvation so real to my family and to myself. To know that we understand the Savior’s gospel as we celebrate his birth. To also know we adore and care about each other in spite of each other’s life choices because that kind of love transcends judgment and criticism, as it should and that this truly is what the meaning of giving is at this season for my family… for me.

We give each other hope and love and unconditional acceptance, forgiveness and support. Please someone help me to understand why this could ever be considered broken or failed. In my eyes, this kind of sacrifice defines giving. This is the Christmas that Yomomma’s mother helped to establish and that makes the world, at least in the eyes of the five of us, a simple and more secure place.

Christmas this year will have no anger…. It’s gone. It will have no judgment, it’s gone. It will have a spirituality about it that personifies all that it is meant to be. Think about it. The Savior made his debut in a real and purposeful way. He came to his family in quietness and solitude. He came in hope to the ones, in the end, who would always love Him, the most. I connect to Mary for that one reason and one reason alone. To understand and grasp a mother’s unconditional and infinite love for a child and the dedication to be there throughout, no matter what. It’s the divinity of the blessing of that great role - motherhood. A role I thank the Big Guy for everyday!

So to my kidlets; bring the season on! Here’s to the first of many Christmas seasons filled with peace, love, hope, tranquility and most of all, JOY. It’s the beginning of many that will be conflict free!

Inner Peace

“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”
Gerald Jampolsky

I have really been thinking about some of the reasons I have been uneasy with my life. I should have zen flowing through it and couldn't quite figure out what the issue is. Then my daughter said something to me yesterday.
"You know Mom, I'm okay. You didn't totally screw up."
I still am sometimes brought to tears over what was. I have spent a fair amount of time contemplating what I could and should have done to be different, to make my life different. I realize that living like this just isn't productive.
So here is what I am on about.
Forgiveness, both for yourself and for others.
Now, I am not blowing smoke here. I have had to learn to forgive some pretty unforgivable stuff and I still struggle with it but man, the freedom for your own sanity by just taking a different perspective on it is liberating.
Owning your baggage and working to understand your own role in the difficult life you are living can really be enlightening to your mental and emotional health. I would have never come to know myself if I hadn't of first looked at what I was about and the roles I played in the life I was living.
Changing those roles so as to improve your life not just for yourself but those around you is a win-win argument and should be a goal always.
Yeah, it is still hard. But it is getting better everyday.
Make you days better. Life to improve each moment and get out of the rut that comes from holding resentment and anger.
Now, I am going out there to practise what I preach.

Big D

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have something exciting to attend tonight. I've been around for plenty of awards and honors for my kids but tonight is a bit more special. The Big D is getting an award at his High School. This made me think back to about 10 years ago and a private school evaluation that D meister went through.

He stayed for evaluation for 1 full day of school and when the day was over the head mistress called me in to discuss with me the needs of my "special"child. She then went on to explain she felt he was very mentally handicapped and that he needed intervention so that he could become a contributing member of society.

Heart ache would not describe the feeling. We had him accessed by people who knew what they were doing and they told us he would be fine.

So Edison, he's scored perfectly and next to perfect on most of his provincial exams since grade three, he has excelled and beyond in his studies and tonight, he's being awarded for not just his noogin but for his heart and love for school so next time you decide that a child who has visited you classroom is hopeless..... (I believe those were your words) remember that this is a child you are talking about and yeah.... you sometimes get it very wrong.

What's the lesson here.

Moms/Dads, so you son or daughter is active and spinning chairs and talking and basically appearing unfocused, it may just be boredom and that what you have is one smart cookie who when he finally figures how to process it all and not be bored may prove to be just genius!

And BTW, he is awesome on the saxophone, just another gift.

The Haircut... he still won't speak to me!

Before:

After:

He still is PO'd at me!

Capable of Becoming

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is so thrilling and wonderful and when you put all of it into an eternal perspective that is healthy and meaningful you begin to see just how much of a role you play in it for yourself.

Who am I? I am just a girl whose been through a lot who has come out of it a bit scared, more in awe of a gospel that teaches such love and compassion that it fulfills me, and better because now, I live to understand and never judge. At least I try.

I am coping and growing and changing constantly. As I awoke this morning, beyond thrilled that in a few hours I will be picking up my precious K3 who just 5 months ago we admitted to a treatment facility for drug abuse and eating disorders, I can not believe the continuing transformation in her life. My gosh, the transformation of all of our lives.

I lived angry and frustrated and hurt for so long and it wasn't until I fully grasped that all of those feelings were destroying me and the people around me that I could facilitate a change for the better. The choice was always mine to be happy. I cannot force change on anyone but I could determine what changes were necessary for happiness in my own life and could and would change the lives of those close around me.

If you would have told me that even three months ago that I could be even happier in the life conditions I am facing now I would have told you that you were crazy.

Single parents out there everywhere. You can do it! It may not be the definition of perfect that you had always envisioned for yourself but it can be redefined for a purer and more accessible peace and contentment. Redefine Happy! Make it work for yourself.

Bishop H asked me to do something that was difficult and heart breaking. I didn't understand why and was angry I was even asked. These are normal feelings and should not be hidden or ashamed of. I worked through it and though I never understood I garnished the faith that I would eventually and moved forward. Yikers that was hard and still continues to be.

So here we are, month two in, and wow, what a step up in peace and spirituality and responsibility that we are all taking. Every child is contributing in some way, whether it be a mental, spiritual, physical or an emotional way. We were already a family team that loved and adored each other but now we are becoming a unit that really defines family in its purest terms.

If you were to tell me that I would have witnessed this healing and loving coming from a family that was so dysfunctional and screwed up in just a few years I would have thought you daft! But wow, we are!

Wow, we really are!

There is still a bit of a mist hanging over us. I suspect it will always be there. Every child will continually seek out the acceptance of a toxic parent. It is Divine nature to seek that acceptance. My role will always be to cushion and pray that at some point it will be different for them somehow. That their relationship with their D will change and they can find that peace.

The hardest task I face is standing back and watching the attempts. Every nurturing bone in my body wants to protect them from harm and emotional pain but I can't. It sucks, but I really can't. My kids know how I feel. I support them in whatever choice they make to define that relationship. I try and teach them about expectations and hope that they will find resolution, somehow, someway.

For now though, our choice as a family and mine individually is to continue in the pursuit of happiness always recognizing bumps, potholes and stumbling blocks that liter the path to it.

Here's a shout out to someone I admire more than she will ever know.

Abuse, any form of it, whether it be physical, sexual, spiritual or emotional is so difficult and confusing, especially for kids who eventually turn into adults. Our children, especially those who have been irreversible scared by it will sometimes lash out. A wise Dr. W told me, in the beginning of this journey, when my K's were so angry at everything, especially me, that they did this because they understood they could and when it was over, I was always going to be the one who loved them unconditionally and would let slide their behavior in the end. So even though they sometimes hated me back then and were so angry that they didn't even talk to me, it all sorted itself out in time. Patience, above all is the key and never give up on them, ever. Eventually, they will begin to understand your straddled path in their journey and recognize you really did everything you could to help them and in the end, you just loved them, always. That you will love them, forever.

Here's the secret, just care for them in whatever way they will allow. Over and over and over again. That love will transcend every horrible and hurtful thing they have encountered. It always has for me. Please know that there were many times I wanted to give up. Why submit yourself to that. As I look at it know, I am glad I never did give up. I wouldn't have this Zen in my life.

Yeah, total Zen. Redefined.

I feel closer to filling those profound and formidable footprints of a genuine life my precious mother left for me to fill. I still have about 25 years left to catch up to her, I hope that I can and that when it's my time to go join the party with Mom and Grandma, Aunt June, everyone, that I can be welcomed with honor and peace. That they will greet me, with the Savior, knowing and acknowledging I did the best I could do, on a definition more suited to me than by others who never really knew me.

Test of Courage

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."


Ralph W Sockman

Here’s another bandwagon. It’s a direct result of a situation that is occurring in facebook and involves my precious K2.

My daughters have left the fold; hopefully that’s not news to all of you. They do not define themselves as LDS and it context would probably be offended if you did, but not for the reasons you think.

I have tried to raise them to not be hypocrites. For that reason, to say you are Mormon and then live outside the principles would be hypocritical so they don’t and won’t define themselves as such. Hard for me to say but I do respect them for being who they are and unafraid of saying it.

With that being said, let me explain.

Proposition 8

Yikes, in even lettering the words it makes me shudder at the controversy. K2 read a note off facebook that addressed this issue from a LDS point of view (remember this reference) and took offense at the bigotry of it. She understood the argument but in it’s delivery it hit some low, unChrist-like blows, on the homosexuals.

She commented on it and spoke to the intolerance of Mormon’s in general and addressed what she felt was inappropriate comments about homosexuals.

It was never easy for my girls to be LDS. In the end, they just felt more accepted and less judged outside the confines of the church. It would be easy to give you all the nasty details but it would serve no purpose. They have left, and really, should be of no concern for most people. Those to whom their concern does lie have their backs and care.

What scares me here though is the verbosity of the comebacks and disregard of the reasons for her feelings. As members, we far too often dismiss the words of a disavowed member because they have "issues" or are "disgruntled". To say, "You obviously have been hurt but that is no reason to attack the church" is immature in thought and deed.

It is ridiculous to assume that the only reason people leave the church is because of some misdeed or sin they can not overcome. As if that would be the only reason for leaving. For some, maybe. For most, highly unlikely. We need to open our eyes and ears and really listen and for goodness sakes reach out beyond our precious Mormon bubble and truly see and hear what it is that is being debated about the church I know we all love.

We are powerful and have a huge network but if used in a way that can be conceived as bullying then what is it we are accomplishing and do we then not set ourselves up to be picketed.

Fact: We as members only represented less than 2 % of the vote in the California election. Yes, we were just a little fish in a big pond. But we network like no other organization and when our leaders issued their call, (http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/california-and-same-sex-marriage) and we as a people responded it resulted in a 20:1 margin of donations and time. What does that mean exactly? It means that for every $1.00 that was donated by someone who wasn’t Mormon in support of Prop 8, Mormons donated $20.00. Cha-ching; now you see why people are mad. The Prop 8 organization had power and used it. In the end what should have been just another Proposition the ballot became a firestorm.

So I guess you are wondering what my take on the whole thing is. I am not really going to go there. I don’t live in California and if I did the wonderful thing about voting is it is a private matter.

But let me state this.

I believe in marriage. I believe in fidelity and peace. I have no desire to ever be okay that the rights for same sex couples to be married should ever be imposed to happen in our church because it does not straddle our doctrines. I don’t believe that is being demanded here, however. Can we really be so bold as to take choice away without risking greater consequence to ourselves? We know these are the last days.

Define LDS for me. Does it suffice with just one definition or does it have within its roots many different levels. Is one Mormon better than the next because he/she lives it differently? Is someone who attends the temple diligently, home teaches 100% by the 10th of every month, pays a full tithe, attends church regularly but emotionally crushes and abuses his/her family a better Mormon because of his perceived actions in front of others or is the silently dedicated, not so educated simple living Mormon who loves and adores his/her family more LDS. Can you really say and why does anyone think they have that right to say anything at all?

If we cannot even define ourselves as people and live in unity then how can we have expectations on the definition of something as abstract as marriage?

Here’s my point.

Have an opinion. Vote your opinion. But if it is criticized, rather than strike back, hold firm to what you know for yourself. This advise goes both ways. Do as your mother taught you and agree to disagree.

We cannot as a church do what we did and then profess that we are only a small percentage of the vote. We were, as a people, instrumental in the results of that proposition. Expect to be criticized! Expect to be protested and then, above all else, be tolerant.

Let there be peace.

Always!

You Haven't Asked

A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy's failure, he asked, "Are you using all your strength?"
"Yes, I am," the little boy said impatiently.
"No, you are not," the father answered. "I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you."

Author Unknown


Deep hey? I came across this and my heart shuddered. I believe this is my Achilles heel. Along with a ton of other things that make life make sense.


What am I on about?


Struggles and heart ache. Yes, the metaphor is there that we just need to ask the Big Guy and he'll help us but there is much more meaning if you think deeper and more abstractly.


The way we seek help, the way it is offered, how it is delivered is never done in the same same for each unique experience we have. What if the help the Big Guy offers comes in the shape of a church leader, a visiting teacher, a home teacher, a school teacher, a friend.


Deeper thought - what if the BG's intent is for us to be the aid to someone else's struggle and how do we ever know.


So many people have helped me and my family. I couldn't even list them all and there are times when I feel like the scale is so lopsided now that repaying will never be realized.

I try and find ways to serve others but all of the traditional ways require time that is a valuable commodity to me. Fitting it all in is prit near impossible.

As I learn to balance this new, crazy busy life of mine I hope that I can be open enough to the spirit to know when to ask for and when to offer the help this world needs for it to be balanced from my paradigm.

Worse for Where?

"Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say."

Wayne Dyer

I had a flashback last night of monumental proportions. It was eerie and beautiful all at the same time. It involved Big D.

I got the dreaded call, the one that every parent hates getting.

"Mom, it's me. You're going to be mad..... please don't be mad."

"What did you do D?"

"I had an accident, the car is totalled.'

Right at that moment as the anger was seething up to the surface I flashed back 31 years and remember a memory moment of all memory moments.

Picture those same words coming out of my mouth and my mother reaching out to me and just embracing me, thanking the Big Guy for keeping me safe.

I wasn't perfect, I did express frustration; only because money is so tight and fixing the car may be next to impossible but what I did do was ask, "Are you okay, is everyone okay?" There was the sound of an ambulance coming in the background and my heart was sinking but D assured me everything was fine.

When I arrived at the accident scene I just hugged D, told him how much I loved him and cried that he was safe. The police officer walked over, thanked me for raising such an incredible and respectful kid and made sure I knew that D was 100% NOT AT FAULT and there was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident. He continues to make me so proud.

Four kids, three accidents. All coming out safely... knock on wood! As a parent you never get used to this but you always are grateful and say the silent prayed of gratitude for a child coming out unscathed and pray for the parents of those kids that don't .

D is aching, he'll be busing it for a while. I played mean parent and made him follow through all the incidentals of an accident. Calling the AMA, getting the car to the car lot etc. I'm giving him a bit of a reprieve as he rests today, soothing his aching back and neck.

I'll never really know how well I do as a parent until I watch my children parent their kids. I know my Mom was almost always great and more than anything else, she was an excellent example that I use over and over again as I raise my kids.

I hope that the way I live will be the best way of letting my kids know who and what I am about. I may never be what some may think I should be but in the end, the only thing that matters is what my children think I am and who I am to my Father in Heaven.

To Put The World Right.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

Confucius

How does one set their heart right? Any ideas?

I spent the last couple of days helping out K-2 and attending my niece's, who just happens to share my name, baptism. I was to give the talk on Baptism. Yikes, I thought we divorcees were exempt from speaking. DIA!

My heart has had many a crooked road be it's path for a long time and I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say or have the people feel. My niece is a precious, beautiful girl with one of the kindest young hearts I know. I really love her and speaking at her baptism in front of people I didn't even know really scared me and I don't get scared that often.

I was trying to figure it all out and while meditating I came across the notion to look at the tithing record for the year I had just received. It had my baptism date on it. Guess what it was? November 15, 1969!

I was baptised 39 years ago today! I remember every moment of every hour of that day. From the discussion of the fact that I did indeed have to wear a dress, a fate worse than death for me at that time in my life, and that I couldn't show the people the competitive swimming turn I had just mastered in the font after my baptism.

What I remember most of all is the feeling I came home with that night. I was different. I knew I was changed. I knew the Gift of the Holy Ghost was going to make knowing what to do just a bit easier.

It's funny how these memory days stick with us like glue. There have been many times in the last couple of years where quitting was contemplated and what brought me back was that feeling and how it comes back to me over and over again bearing witness that FOR ME, being Mormon works. ALWAYS.

So Confucius believes all thing stem from a heart set straight. Wow, I really believe that knowing your right with yourself, especially if your a Mom, can make the whole world right for all your family around you. There is always peace in the face of a content woman.

Here's to getting right with the universe.

Sometimes we need to just Look.

http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

Please take this blog address with a grain of salt, truly.

Okay, I normally don't do this but I love this blog because it is just so freakin funny and ironic all in one breath. If it wasn't so close to the realty that is I think I would have dismissed it. My nephew hit me up on it. He is a quirky, cool guy with mucho brains and the sick "L" sense of humor that can get us in trouble often. I think he knew I would see the irony in it.

Her entry of note;

http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/2008/11/bad-perplexion.html

This entry made me take a deeper breath and think, did TAMN really just go there? I have a friend who I admire beyond words and she has faced infertility. (See comments after blog) Her journey in our kingdom has been filled with insults and hurtful comments and I have ached for her as she valiantly comes to church. The insensitivity to her condition has been appalling and I have to say, I didn't even understand until after some heartfelt conversations and beginning to grow in the compassion on my end.

TAMN nails our culture to a "T". What's scary sometimes is how I fell into that. I think we get so caught up in the living of the gospel as others see us do it that we forget the simple aspects like charity, compassion, joy.

So; you have another choice here. Be offended at the satire of the blog or find some truth in it and join me in the silent dedication to make a difference and change the culture, one voice at a time.

How do you do it?

Focus on the Savior and judge less and serve more. Try serving outside of our faith. There are women in my ward who have organized service projects outside our chapel walls and are making a huge difference in our community. Their service goes mostly unnoticed because it is unseen but these women are true disciples of Christ. I admire them so much.

I hope I can be like these great women some day.

Please laugh with TAMN and don't take it too much to heart. Just decide to be different.

Women are Never Stronger

“Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses”

Madame Marie du Deffand

Do you understand the physical purpose of fasting? The spiritual is easy; it's about trust, faith and dedication but the physical reasons to fasting are to bring your body to a physical weakness so the spirit can abide and be heard.

In this case, weakness is a good thing. The world would have us believe that weakness equals less or inferiority. I know people who would no sooner let you see the softer, weaker side of themselves because they believe that in that it would make them not "perfect" in your eyes. I am sad for that thought process. I almost got sucked in.

One important aspect of my journey was a time when a loving Bishop decided that I needed to be aware of the things in my life that were interfering with my eternal progression. I remember the conversation we had and I remember as I walked into his office the spirit bearing a silent witness that what was about to happen would change my life.

It DID.

He walked me through my life and pointed out every weakness that I had and that what I was doing to my family was wrong! He wasn't kind about it. He needed me to understand what was my part to own in the dissolving of my marriage and what I was doing to my kids. I walked into the office a very fragile and abused women and walked out of it broken.

Yeah, I know, brutal. But wait, there's more.

I went for a drive after, sobbing and trying to understand why he was doing this to me. What had I done? I pulled over to the ridge overlooking Fish Creek and began to pray. More than I had ever prayed in a very long time. It started. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually I began to feel the spirit and an overwhelming sense of peace. My answer was to return to the Bishop and talk.

The next night I walked into his office and simply said. "What do I need to do to change this?" His answer was simple. Repent. "How?", I said and the process began.

That man walked me through a journey of forgiveness and resolution that brought me closer to my children and myself. I believe he wanted M to be a part of it but that is another story. I can look in my kids eyes and know that they have forgiven me. I can feel my Savior's love and understand the atonement in a way that can only be described as peace to your very soul.

I needed that journey. Without it and I would still be very lost and forgotten.

My kids tell me all the time that they have forgiven me. How can I ever repay them for that.

How can I ever repay my Savior for his gift to me?

Wait..... there is a way.

I must not let his atonement be wasted.

I must forgive.

I am almost there. I can feel it.

My weaknesses are now very much my strengths. I arm myself with them to truly understand my divine destiny. Because I know where I falter I recognise the fracture of a broken life and steer clear. I know when I need faith.

I always need faith.

There is no end to the Good we can do.

"There is no end to the good we can do, to the influence we can have with others. Let us not dwell on the critical or the negative. Let us pray for strength; let us pray for capacity and desire to assist others. Let us radiate the light of the gospel at all times and all places, that the Spirit of the Redeemer may radiate from us."

Gordon B. Hinckley,
"The Need for Greater Kindness," Ensign, May 2006, 61

So I could go on and on about this quote but I think it is self explanatory.

For some time I have been feeling stuck in a rut and trying to understand just how to move forward in faith. I have learned so many valuable lessons and so much about myself and my children and the strength that exists in all of us. Strength I didn't even know existed. But here we are, realizing that in fact; "YES WE CAN" and now we must do.

So how do you do?

Lets go back to the stove analogy ("Stoves"). Each member of my family tackles our individual lives so differently and yet each way is not more right or wrong; just different.

I'm not going to go into each scenario but suffice it to say that they all work both individually and as a group.

People are like that. You may watch someone go through something and wonder what the heck were they thinking when you watch as they transverse through that difficult time but for that person their methodology works and how can we really judge it. We don't know their soul, their thinking, their circumstances. Sure there are basic steps but all of us aren't on the same stairway. To say only one way is right is to say that Satin's plan is the only answer and we all know that that just isn't so.

Oh my gosh, here we go again. That old choice banner. Enough S, everyone knows how you feel.

I had a great talk with a friend last night. She is so full of wisdom and never really knows that she is giving the help she is. I hadn't sat and spoken with her for such a long time because we are both so busy, her way more than anyone I know and she just dispels wisdom in her words. I have been so blessed to have her as a friend.

When we were done and I walked out to my car I had an "AHA" moment. I can see answers so much more clearly. I feel the spirit so strong sometimes that I don't even have to really think about it, I just know. It's as if the Lord understands my heart and knows my journey and realizes that sometimes I just need to hear louder because of all the noise that I have no control over that is around me. It felt as if, for a time, I may be granted a bit of a reprieve from Satan's constant battering off my soul. Guess what dude, you just ain't getting it!

Wow, what a feeling of Zen that came over me. That inning is over. I listened to my leaders and as much as I may not have totally understood I had the faith that they were inspired for me and for my family. Oh, don't get me wrong, it hasn't made the journey any less difficult just less corrosive to my soul because of the support that they offer.

From the moment I walked into Dr. Z's office some 8 years ago the spirit has always borne witness to me that these people were there to help. I have tried to follow their words and in the doing so I have come to know my Father in Heaven so much more and I understand the Saviors love for me and have found in his Atonement the healing and peace it offers everyone. If you haven't understood this blessing it is my hope and prayer you seek it out. It is the ultimate zen.

Last night as I was leaving L's house, Bishop H commented on my countenance. I get that sometimes. I have been through the ringer these last few months and my face showed that. Now, as I see myself in the mirror I recognise my divinity again and can know that I am, in fact, his daughter. How do you not feel love when you know that simple fact.

It's that time again. Just in case you didn't know, I have such a strong and enduring love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe my journey is unusual. There are many out there who are struggling and barely surviving and always questioning. Please, above all else, remember to have faith. Reach out to those you trust and lean on them to their understanding. There is nothing more Zen then a good, heartfelt discussion on why you have faith and the trial of always believing. Don't even draw yourself into the perfection myth and believe that there are people out there who live perfect lives. What you may be witnessing is someone suffering in silence.

Follow the spirit and speak if you are so touched to do so. I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for MM who came over one Sunday and asked in a way that I could only answer truthfully and the silent suffering ended and I was able to finally get help. I don't know where I would be without that moment in my life.

So here's to the quote. I have seriously thought of stopping this blog. My patriarchal blessing says that my written word will cause people to change and alter their lives. When I prayed about this I felt strongly that I needed to continue and to leave it open. I will never know all of you that visit this blog but I hope that you can see this journey I am on and understand my weaknesses and strengths and know that this really is just one women's journey to emotional health and that in some way it helps. It's all I ask and pray for.

Ordinary Acts

The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest.

Thomas Moore (1779 - 1852)

When you think that Thomas Moore understood this concept over 200 years ago it makes you contemplate how much more important this it is in our day.

One thing I ache for and miss more than anything else since getting divorced is the ability to be at home with my kids. There would be some who would say that is is because I hate working or just want to be taken care of but the reality is that for me, I loved being a Mom and being there for my kids. The proclamation for the family talks about Women and their naturing and I feel that so much. When I think that at some point I will be a Grandma my heart jumps for JOY and waits in earnest for the time when I get to be everything my Mom was to my kids.

The simple act of service to the ones you love can and is the most rewarding aspect of ones life.

I have read the scripture story of Mary washing Jesus's feet so many times and it never brought greater meaning to me until my Mom got sick with Cancer and entered the hospital. The nurses here in Alberta are so overworked and taking care of the simple things for their patients is very difficult. They rely on family to help when they can and my sister and I took certain times of the day to stay and help Mom.

The chemo and the drugs made it impossible for Mom to bath herself so my sister and I took turns helping her with this task. Mom would apologize profusely that she was burdening us and in the beginnig she would be so embarrassed and she never quite understood how both of us saw it as such a privilege to just service her.

My Mom was such an incredible women. There was no chore in the care of her. She had serviced both of us our whole lives, It was an honor to be able to give something so simple back. In the end, both my Aunt and sister-in-law P helped out and all of use have commented since of the deeply spiritual and moving experience it was to participate in this simple act.

At first Mom would be so embarrassed and was nervous but when she understood that her time was coming she would use this time to bound in a way that only this act could allow.

I have studied the scriptures and the reasoning behind Mary's washing of Jesus feet and I know there is a much deeper spiritual meaning to it. For me, the Savior understood Mary's deep love and devotion to him and the act was a similitude of that love. In its unselfish and simple motions it spoke volumes to the dedication Mary had to her Savior and he understood the need Mary had to show him, in some way, that abiding love.

My Mom understood this too. In the end, as she became more helpless, she became more in tune with our needs in the letting of her go .I know she understood what we needed for it to be okay that she would be leaving soon. As hard as it was, even in the end, she thought more of our needs then her own.

I will be forever in her debt for the way it which she parented me, loved me, understood me and in the end, allowed me to grieve with her even before she left. Her unselfishness magnified itself right to the end. Her legacy is timeless. I continue to strive and work towards being half the women she was.

Some may believe that she wasn't everything she could have been but she was always true to herself and knew the real purpose and meaning to life. She understood the importance of family and dedication and sacrifice and though when she died she left no real material things what she did leave was a legacy in the hearts of all her children but more importantly she left a legacy in the hearts and minds of her grandchildren who all adored and love her to no end.

So now you can see why I wait in earnest to start being a Grandma. To think that someday I will be able to look into the eyes of a beautiful Grandson or Granddaughter and just be someone who loves them, with no conditions at all and that I can spoil them and care about them and just Yomomma them to complete Zen is such a satisfying feeling I can hardly wait.

I see it in W & P when they look at E. Mom's example is legendary. It is the meaning of life!

I miss her still. I always will.

We Only Become.

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.

Jean-Paul Sartre

I made a choice today. They are getting easier. To nap or to Blog? Guess which one I made?

I have sat on this quote for a bit of time, only because I wasn't quite sure of my take on it. By definition , people come to know us by the time of their interactions with us. Those who know us well are the ones who have spent the most amount of time with us but then their opinions are skewed by their personal perceptions. Meaning, what they bring to the table.

Well, for that matter, everyone we meet comes to the table with those prejudices. I guess the goal in life is to come to the table free of the prejudices and just be Christ like in our perspectives.

In life, we have a number of choices. We can become what the gossip says we are or we can live to what we know we are inside.

An example.

I know a women who was a bit of a wild girl when she was in high school 40 years ago. Most of what was out there was shear gossip but for all intents and purposes she was a pretty awesome person. She married an incredible guy in the Temple and now has 4 grown children, 2 grandchildren and is one of the happiest married ladies I know. I was part of a conversation where the people were speaking about one of her kids and a gentleman (and I use that term lightly!) made the connection between this young women and my friend as mother and daughter. He then said that he knew my friend from high school and she is such a slut. (sorry, no other word to replace it that would make it any less offensive)

I was shocked. 40 years had gone by. Marriage in the temple, 4 children. My gosh, even grandchildren. Years of service in the church in all sorts of leadership positions and still...... 40 years later, this moron refers to her as if she was still 17. I almost lost it but I didn't. What would have been the point. People like him don't want to know the truth.

What has made me so proud is that my friend has lived with all of this gossip and innuendo for many years and has never tried to explain herself or throw stones back.

I use her example to my precious daughters all the time but still. Is this kind of thinking not against all that we know to be true of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

When M and I were divorcing we were asked to only share with our tight circle of support. I have stuck to that for the most part except for when I have been confronted by those who are angry because M just never did. He told complete strangers, ward members, anyone who would listen and it never fails that I still get confronted with it. People can be openly hostile because the only truth they know or think they know is what M has told them. For a long time I have felt so hurt by this. It has been a huge stumbling block. It can make church one of the most uncomfortable places to be.

I now live my life to what I know for myself. It's like this quote has taken on new meaning. I will be what I know for myself. You may have some notion of what you think I am but my life and the way I live it will always be a testament to my truth and knowledge and dedication to the gospel I love and adore.

So hey, you may have heard that I wasn't righteous enough or didn't support enough or for heaven's sake didn't like reading the scriptures or swore or my gosh, I could go on for hours but the truth lies in what I do day to day.

My days are filled with family, friends, church, people, work etc. I wake up each morning happier, healthier and more alive. There is recovery from emotional abuse. My children and I are examples of that. No one can define us into oblivion.

WE ARE FAMILY by our own definition!

Be Who You Are!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

~Dr. Seuss

Here's a tip to understanding fragile people. They sometimes care way too much about what other people think.

Emotionally healthy people have a better perspective on life and their position in it. They find truth in what they know about themselves and seldom concern themselves about what other people think.

Go on S, what are you on about.

The freedom of being okay with who you are and not worrying about what other people think.

You need to be confident in the thoughts you have and not second guess them. I spent a lot of time being undermined and never allowed myself to get to a point when I could even trust my own thoughts and emotions. I own this. I allowed this to happen to me. I alone have made the changes that have brought me to where I am now. It's not an over inflated look at myself because the failure came in even getting to a point myself of being so lost.

So now, most of the time, I am able to exist and be okay with the direction I am in and the words I use and speak. That couldn't always be said.

I am surprised now at now normal my thoughts really are. I care and love and have peace and really truly get my kids and being comfortable with them and their knowing their thoughts are safe with me from any judgement or criticism is so incredibly healthy.

I will never measure up to some peoples expectations of me, but I am measuring up to my own... now. That's the difference in my life. Measuring up to myself matters more, it never used to. Oh sure, I have lots of growing and changing yet to do but for the most part. I'm okay.

And BTW, the Atonement had a big part of this. Both ends of it.

Go Flames Go!

So today I turned 47. I share this day with my twin so happy Bday O Baby, thanks for the 47 years of sweet togetherness and making things a little less lonely!

But I want to thank most of all those precious kidlets of mine and to all of my friends who made this day so fun.

To M who gave me the gift of Joy to wear always as a reminer of the one hell of a lady we strive to be most like!

To the girls in Vancouver who made sure they called and wished me the best and K - 2 who really went out of her way to make the day special, thanks for the flames jersey! To D, who wished me a Happy Bday a zillion times and told me he loved me just as many and to A who just made the day better.

To C for a birthday Tuesday lunch and to the years of friedship we have, 43 yrs and counting!

Thanks J for the Jumbo Tron greeting from James T but I still want to know where my Ken is and to all the people who left awesome messages so when I got home from the game I was met with them, especially W who sung one hell of rendition of Happy Bday, really, you should be a rock star!!!

Days like today make me realize just how truly luck I am. Thank-you all! You're all the BOMB!

How Far You Go.

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”
George Washington Carver
As I strive to grasp growth and facilitate change in my life the one universal truth that has flowed through it is empathy. When I learned to see each situation from all the angles possible I also learned to problem solve without intentionally causing pain to those around me.
It isn't nearly as easy as you may think. Empathy, or:
Noun
"the ability to sense and understand someone else's feelings as if they were one's own." is much more than just figuring how what happens makes someone else feel. You must spiritually understand it's consequences to that other persons soul.
I have tried to reach in and truly see another positioning and to find some way to have that person verbalize or help me understand.
I am not the easiest person to figure out. The battles I have waged within my own heart can only be understood by others if I have made every effort to under their heart.
So what am I on about.
Finding peace in someone else's joy, happiness, sadness, fear. Whatever you do when you reach out beyond yourself you can most honestly find the answers that you have been waiting and longing for yourself.
When you lack this, you never really truly connect to reality. Empathy grows brighter and easier with age but heartache and pain can stop you ever trying. When you stop trying to understand others you lose the ability to ever really understand yourself.
I have found some solace is this truth.
I tend, when things get very difficult, to cave. I am learning boundaries and sharing in a much more appropriate way. I don't justify my life to anyone except my Lord, and then, it's not as much justifying as it is just explaining and having the faith he understands.
I think he does.
The greatest task for me is in the understanding that what others think of me, especially those who do not take the time to find empathy, doesn't and shouldn't affect me or my self esteem. I am getting there, it will just take time.

When Faith Endures

So, have you ever had one of those Sundays when you wake up and the mere thought of enduring 3 hours of church overwhelms you. I just couldn't bring myself to see the point of abiding yet another Sunday in a culture that sees my marriage status as a reason to 1.) never talk to me again even though you have known me since I was born but now, since I am a nobody, there's no reason to communicate or 2.) go through another lesson about hanging on and forgiving even though that is the lesson I need to hear most of all!

Yeah, well, I just described the mind process I went through from about 9-10am this morning. It was when I went to see D that all those thoughts left my head and I new where I needed to be and why.

It's fast Sunday as well so double the anxiety and you have the start of my most calming of days.
I had been praying for wisdom to figure this all out. I had just finished reading "The Peacegiver" for the third time and was really trying to find the Zen of my life. What was it Big Guy that I wasn't getting? Why was it still a dull ache when with all my heart I knew that I was happy? Sounds odd, doesn't it? Happiness and yet a dull ache?

So we went through testimony meeting, pretty good for sure and I kept thinking, the answers here, somewhere, I can feel it.

Last testimony, one of my most favorite people in the universe, it was beautiful, I for sure felt the spirit but the earth wasn't quaking, shaking or moving for me.

I bowed my head and just silently pleaded, please, just a bit of peace to get me through the week. It's all I need.

Then the closing hymn. An obscure one. I hadn't remembered it from anytime before. I am not a singer so it was not hard to just listen and read the words. Two sentences in I am holding the tears.

An Answer.

Thanks BG.

I will not doubt,

I will not fear;

God’s love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

Desiderata - Max Ermann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I can't add or say anymore than this. This man has spoken to my heart's wish for all I love and hold dear and to find solace within my own soul.