What Things Cost and is it Worth It.

 

The cost of a thing is the amount

of what I will call life which is required

to be exchanged for it,

immediately or in the long run.

~ Henry David Thoreau

I have often mentioned that days or weeks or times in my life are hard. I don't think a difficult life is unique to any one person. All of us struggle, all of us suffer and all of us pay a price for the journey our lives take.

It's not in the suffering that our skills and life lessons come, it is in the outcome and the reflections of learning from those lessons we have endured through that we better ourselves and the lives of those around us.

In the past year and a half, any prior struggle I have been through pails in comparison. When one loses their core faith base their world turns upside down and a very real sense of vertigo ensures. Finding balance is never defined in the same way. In an internal realm or external, in all of it, it is mind blowing and changes a person in a soul wrenching, life altering way. You are never the same, ever.

I get that some people are angry and hurt and feel that I am weak or deceived or whatever excuse they use in their own heads to explain away my choices. I understand being uncomfortable with those choices.

I knew when I openly admitted my feelings that I would lose my social base, I just didn't expect to be attacked, and quite frankly, if I was a zealous, outspoken, anti Mormon I would get it but I am not and for that reason I write this now.

I will NEVER understand some of the attacks on my character that are happening. Having joined a few Facebook groups of post and ex Mormons IS NOT A CRIME.

Leaving the Mormon church is not easy. It isn't a decision you make waking up one morning and deciding you're done. You don't live, breathe and be something for almost 50 years and then decide all in one moment it's over. You don't open yourself to losing nearly every friend, unforgiving family members and social standing because it just gets hard.

Deciding your done is so soul bending and mind numbing painful that cowardliness can't exist through it. Walking away is social suicide and it ISN'T EASY and so sending notes implying it's the easy way out makes me want to scream!

EASY?

E-A-S-Y???????

Live my last year and come back and call it EASY! You simply have no idea, clearly, no idea.

This past year has been the hardest year I have been though and for those who know my life's journey you can understand this and realize that by saying just that it is what we call; "putting it all into perspective!"

I lost patience along the way for the words and actions of well intentioned members. Shallow and conditioned friendships have enlightened me to what is left for me now; a strong and unconditional core group of family and a few friends who never saw religion as a purpose to convene.

You say you worry for me and for being lost and yet I feel so found it hurts.

I know now more than ever who I am and who I am meant to be. I don't need a Sunday School lesson to teach me how to behave and how to care. It's human nature and when you look past the tag of Mormonism that people wear and see WHO they really are you can find other tags of great and wonderful human beings living and breathing human experience that if a moment more than just a ward boundary companionship was shared, you could find rightness and truth in their journeys as well.

This I believe:

1.) You can not dictate absolute truth without offending others. Being the only right implies wrongness on everyone else and if you took a moment to truly hear yourself speak you might understand how "Mormon speak" is so demeaning if you are not Mormon - my hope; "watch your words".

2.) Don't look at someone who is confused by the history of the correlated church and call them apostate or mislead. Chances are that that person set out earnestly searching for the proof of what they have read being wrong and that all they have learned through their entire 50 years of being Mormon was right, and then only found how truly mistaken they were in trusting all those Sundays of learning.

Oh yeah, and saying that I never had a strong testimony to begin with is so offensive, on so many levels. What I know is who and what my STRONG testimony is about. Thank GOD for it because with it I have emerged more faithful then you will ever give me credit for.

Family is central to a balance that completes you.

3.) YOU DON'T MEASURE FAMILY by whether or not they believe or think or feel what you do. I have no TWIN now because he is unwilling to accept my choices. On every level this is wrong.

Can you tell I am tired? Can you read within my words the frustration?

Every part of me would love to advocate the cult mentality that is LDS, write all my angry words and become some token Ex-Mormon for another congregation but I won't; I can't, because deep down I have the knowledge that in and amongst those people in the church that cause such great heartache to others are good people.

Because of those few people I hold my tongue and honor them. The guts of doctrine, the core Christ like truths that are found in the teachings but rarely adhered to by members are there. But here is something I think most members miss, they are everywhere. There in the parishes, the chapels, the temples, the mosques and the mountains. Those truths are universal. Mormons hold no monopoly on goodness.

So, in response to my dear Mormon friend who anonymously left the note and the words - "I hope you and your family are happy?"

Here is my reply.

Every time I find myself in the loving arms of my caring new husband; I am happy. Every time I hold or speak to my beautiful grandsons, my children, I AM HAPPY! When my sister and brother and I share the comforts of each others homes and we laugh at the dysfunctional home we grew up in with the mother no Mormon seemed to accept ;WE ARE HAPPY! I am happy almost all the time, sometimes I am not and guess what - it's normal. I don't have to take happy pills or pretend because sadness is a real thing too and I am not ashamed of it anymore.

Mormons don't hold a monopoly on happiness.

So, let’s reflect on the title of this blog post.

What did leaving the church cost me - almost everything.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely!

Sometimes I Get Angry.

For every minute you remain angry, you give

up sixty seconds of peace of mind.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's been a hard week, harder than I have had in quite a while. I find myself getting angry about so much and when my head space gets here it can sometimes spin out of control and internal implosion is eminent. I usually have to purge the whole emotional baggage on a regular basis or episodes like this can be disabling. Thousands of dollars in therapy have helped me to understand the signs of all of it catching up to me again and then the only thing that helps is a big pity party, crying it out and feeling completely purged.

So what is it that gets me angry?

Difficult people. Works been tough. All that needs said.

Winter. By this time of year I am just tired of it. It's been a mild winter but there is a dullness; a grayness really and it seems to just rest itself all around the city for a solid 6 months and when we get in to that sixth month it is just old. Waking up so early and coming home so late means hardly ever seeing the sunlight. It can get tough. Now, everything is going brown and moldy and my asthma has a field day. Nor trips to the mountains seem to cure this. Maybe the upcoming 12 day cruise in Hawaii will help, well maybe is the wrong word. 12 days in paradise is the absolutely the prescription to the melancholy of the winter blues.

Injustice. People suffer and when those who are good have been stricken down I get upset with the Big Guy. I still don't have all those issues sorted yet. I believe in God but I still don't get Him. I think all the twisted and torn doctrines of my childhood interfere with my reasoning here but sometimes I just want to go..... "huh, WTH, was that necessary?"

I was brought back to a moment this past week when Mom had to tell us she had Cancer. I can't imagine the anguish she felt as she gathered her children to her home and let us know. I remember my reaction, the deep guttural realization that there would come a time when I wouldn't have her. Those are the moments that change you. Now. 10 years after that moment, looking at where I am without her I have nothing but gratitude for being blessed with such an extraordinary woman in my life. Yeah, it sucks that she's not here but she left us all in fairly great shape with some amazing skills I know I utilize everyday.

Family - sometimes family can be the biggest source of our emotions. I wish I could be home and be a full time grandma but I can't be. I still hold M to blame for this. Probably best to let that go.

I cave at these points. I know I am emotionally healthy because I recognise exactly what it is that I am doing. I force myself to normal with school and volunteering and babysitting. It gets me out of the pit.

Weakness is the reality of our family. Strength is also very much a part of it as well.

I am just finding my strength, it's an never ending process.

Pity party is over.

It's Official

I got an email today - a hospitality group here in Calgary want to use one of my photos for their brochure for Banff - they own hotels in Waterton, Banff, Canmore and and Kicking Horse. I L-O-V-E taking pictures and today I finally feel like I am going to be an OK photographer. Beautiful models helped but I have always believed that when you put beautiful people into beautiful places - it is absolutely a win win.

I couldn't have gone wrong in this shoot and the fact that someone appreciated makes me giggle! So I will be published and even if it's once, at least it validates why I love this so much. I have such great peace in the mountains, they are my home. Thanks K2 and KS2 for believing in me and for sharing your love of balance in the one place I feel the most balanced I have ever been.

Overcoming Fears

We gain strength,

 and courage,

and confidence

by each experience

in which we really stop to look fear in the face

... we must do that which we think we cannot.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been thinking a lot this week about life, about dreams, realities and truths. You'd think that sorting the mind in such matters would be a simple process but from where I come from, thousands of dollars in therapy and mind bending soul searching has helped me to realize that all of those things; reality, truth and even dreams are a personal paradigm in we each live unto ourselves.

I have spent so much time pursuing understanding. I completely grasp the quote _'To thine own self be true". It is much deeper and more profound to me because in those words is the sum of all my being.

What am I on about?

Driving with K2 earlier this week we had such a great talk. She spoke to the fact that her journey isn't just beginning but in fact very much well on it's way. Her movement forward is only part of a long portion of a life path she is still very much living. She was open and understanding to her focus and she needed me to understand a few things. She then said something that took me back for a moment and left me thinking more deeply than I had in a very long time.

We were discussing how I felt about the door opening to her past. How, though I understand her right to open it, that I had a great deal of concern for her being hurt. It was here she vocalized; " Wow Mom, you're still afraid of him aren't you?" I took a sharp breath in and grasped the reality that I did; I still fear him and then asked myself; "how weak is that?"

I spent the week really looking inward to the reasons why I would still be afraid. Doesn't that just give him a control he doesn't deserve? Doesn't it just take away from the life I have that has so much more acceptance, love and compassion in it? And mostly; does that fear interfere in anyway to where I am, where I am going and how the ride will be along the way?

You betcha, absolutely.

(Insert big sigh and deep thinking here.)

So for the week I wrote down all the things that made me afraid and I realised in most it was because of a "mother bear" instinct within my heart. The rest, crazy enough to just finally deal with and ultimately purge to enable a better life.

So google; "conquer fear" and the things that come up are so unique and different and cost a whole lot less that sitting for an hour with Dr. W.

So I am taking some advise I found there.

"Confront fear head on" and thanks to a bit of a heads up I am aware M reads this blog which in a very real way allows me to do just that.

So here's goes a head on approach.

M;

For so many years your ruled those in your life with an iron fist and a sense of entitlement through your priesthood which then betrayed what the priesthood was ever meant to be.

There were times when you anger scared everyone. In my life the greatest moments of fear I have faced have come at your hands. I didn't know how to react and therefore behaved badly. As I have said before; I am sorry for that.

I know you still hold no responsibility to yourself on this by the words you penned in the letter to my bishop. I think that is when the fears resurfaced for me. There is no trust in you or in your actions.

You hurt people, you hurt them badly and no one should ever be so afraid in the very home they live in. We took a very basic need of a safe and loving home away from our children. Some day, I hope you understand that. Someday, I hope you understand the harm your actions caused. Someday, I hope you get it, I just don't believe you do yet and because of that I fear. I fear for our kids.

I will continue to work on the absolute closure of any influence you have on my life. I am not sure when that will be.

I want you to know that I there is one thing that I am sure of. I was worthy of a caring and compassion you never afforded me. If I wasn't "good enough" in your opinion you should have never "settled" because in that you caused great harm not just to me but to every other member of our family. I am a strong, loving and good woman who deserved so much more. I have it now and because I do I am so much more than what I once was.

If our children welcome you back into their lives I hope you recognize the gift that is. You don't deserve it but they are beautiful souls. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, the words' I am sorry" can mean so much when they have purpose behind them and real regret. I just haven't seen that in any of your actions or your words and that is why I am fearful of you.

You have used your belief that I couldn't follow you as excuse for the tyranny and rage you lived by. When you understand that we are each responsible to our own actions and each of us - including me - hears or needs a true and honest apology I will stop being afraid of you. As long as you hide behind religion to excuse your abuse, your words mean nothing.

I am glad K2 is working at the closure to a horrible past. Your actions affected each one of us. Running 3000 miles away and pretending it was all someone elses fault only helps you and hinders in the healing of those you caused such great harm too. The rest of us have spent years in recovery.

Now I will address the final and real reason I walked away from the church. As I sat across the table from Bishop H and he explained that two bishops and Dr. W and Dr. Z were going to counter your letter, a movement of truth resonated in my heart. I didn't want to be part of a church that would ever give a man like you a voice in the future of a family you harmed and continued to harm so deeply. All the kids had walked away from a faith I cherished at one time because of your actions, this final stab, I am sure you were so proud of ,simply sealed the deal for me as well.

I was done, you just gave the final push out. Thanks for that by the way, because for the last year I have felt a freedom I never though possible.

I have a hope; a request actually. When and if our beautiful children let you back in please tread lightly. They are GOOD and LOVING people who are facing a fear in even having you back into their lives. It will be a gift you don't deserve.

My fear falls squarely on a lack of trust in you. I own it and for that reason I will stand back and trust them in their choices. I hope someday I don't fear you. That too is my nemesis to overcome.

To BBG#2 - For your Journey.

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.

A child is a child.

They get bigger, older, but grown?

What's that suppose to mean?

In my heart it don't mean a thing.

~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

I seriously don’t like watching my children when they are in pain. It was easy when they were little because a cuddle and a kiss with some heartfelt love could cure almost anything. I spent many a morning, afternoon or evening cuddling and kissing my children.


Then comes that point in life when the cuddles don’t work anymore. It happens at different times for each of your children but inevitably it does come and you have to stand back and let them grow-up. I heard a psychologist call it self-soothing, like a big kid form of sucking your thumb. I have wanted to just go in there and take it all away, put up the big protection shield from all the pain so that they never have to hurt. I wish it so on so many levels but the bottom line is that without the pain there is no healing. Healing is necessary to move forward. It hurts sometimes but in the end it is always worth it.


BBG #2 is moving forward. She has taken a big and monumental step, one that is going to hurt. It’s a journey per se. Each one of us that was a part of the “S” family has to take the journey to heal. It sucks on every level but there is no other way to overcome the hell that was our past. It’s the purging of the pain of it all but to purge it you have to relive it and that is hard, harder than you can ever imagine. It’s the reliving part that I wish I could take from her. I understand how mothers sacrifice their lives for their kids; I would do it in a heartbeat, in less of a heartbeat for the grandbabies, but I would do it to save her from one day of feeling all that pain all over again.


I have watched two of the BBG’s take this path. Both have handled it with grace and dignity. I have NO DOUBT BBG #2 will do so as well.


I own my part of the pain inflicted on her. I hope in time she can understand where I went through all of those Pajama ridden days, and at some point I hope she will forgive me. What happened all those years ago was wrong, I should have been there, been more present and more protective. You can’t protect your children with loud words and empty threats. You can by simply picking them all up and getting them away from the abuse. No sum of luxury is worth the pain of staying. I should have left the anger and the conditions and the mental cruelty, I just should have protected them more. I could have made it on my own with the children, I know now I could have. I can’t live with regrets though. I could eat myself away with regrets.


What I know of BBG #2 is she is strong beyond measure, that she can and will purge it all and come out victorious. Her sisters have fought the internal battle and have purged, she can too. The worst part of this is not having the ability to just take the pain away for her, taking the scars and the heartache and making it go away. She let me know today it was time for her to begin the journey. I AM SO PROUD OF HER, I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF THEM!


ABUSE is wrong on every level and reaps pain and dysfunction and self loathing. Unless this is your history you can’t understand how to live with it, to purge the bile and retain the healing so you never allow it to define you but that you use it to enable you to be better, to stop the cycle, to make it end, to change the future.


My children are incredible survivors. BBG 2 will survive this. I am so honored she allowed me the insight to the beginning of her journey. She let me in. I WILL be there for her tears. I WILL be there for her ANGER because she will be angry at me. I am her mother; I should have shielded her more. I hope she will let me be there for her healed soul when the hard part is over because when it is we will laugh again and smile and be grateful. I know, sick as it sounds, you do become grateful for all of it because you survived and because you survived you can help others, and she will, she will be a healer for others, I just know it.


One more survivor is left to begin the journey and then it will be complete for our family. BBB has to have a turn at this too. I have seen inklings of it here and there. I have witnessed his pain. He will get here too and when he does, I will be there as well. Then it will all be over! Then, on those Sundays when we are all around the table laughing and joking about the pajamas and the rest of it, it won’t hurt as much, it wont be so taboo and it will be about the lessons we learnt and not the pain we feel. It will just be and it will be ok, at least for each of us it will be ok.


You can survive BBG #2, you will survive, you are stronger than you know. You are mighty! I am so proud of you, SO VERY PROUD.


Here’s a thought as you embark on your healing journey;

As You Travel Through Life….

By Unknown

As you travel through life there are always those times

When decisions just have to be made,

When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,

And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do

Is simply let go and move on,

Gather your courage and choose a direction

That carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -

The process of change can be tough,

But think about all the excitement ahead

There might be adventures you never imagined

Just waiting around the next bend,

And wishes and dreams just about to come true

In ways you can’t yet comprehend!

Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new things

As you challenge your status quo,

And learn there are so many options in life,

Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected

And see things that you’ve never seen,

Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds

And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring

And somebody special who’s there

To help you stay cantered and listen with interest

To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends

Are supportive of all that you do,

And believe that whatever decisions you make,

They’ll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,

And taking your life day by day…

There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road -

Don’t look back! You’re not going that way!

I love you KJS, I love you more!