Integrity

“If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” ~JK ROWLING

I was reminded today about integrity, in an odd way as a matter of fact, and it made me wonder; what is integrity? 

I am taken back to a funeral, a crazy nightmarish time between making a decision and actually following through with it. 

There I was completely humiliated and facing a group of people who had only heard hateful things about me at the mouth of the person who had died. There standing at the pupil was another man who announced that the person who had died was a man without guile. 

I thought to myself, "are your serious?" 

In the 20 plus years I had known him for the good I did see him do what I knew of him was he had guile and spite and could be incredibly mean when he wanted to be and in the few months before he died I had felt every sting he had intended for me and I was at a loss. How can anyone not see that side of him? How could anyone stand and say he was without guile.

I think I walked away that day trying really hard to understand not only myself and my perspectives but what is it that we leave behind that could have two such opposing points of reference to a single soul?

Fast forward nearly 10 years.

I heard my ex referenced as a man with integrity.

What? Really?

Integrity is such a huge part of what brings value to a full life. To what measure can one be integral?

My soul stirs with anger when I think that he is referenced this way?

Everyday I pick up the pieces of the remnants of what M has imploded into our lives. His actions caused such an intense amount of pain, his continued disregard to any kind of support financially or emotionally in his son's life, I could go on and list thousands of reasons why integrity is the last word that should ever be used to describe him and yet, those he has so easily hid all of what damage he has left behind him, do in fact call him that.

And it may me think.

I live in a different world now. The people I interact with would describe integrity much differently than my old life would agree to. Where M lives now, no doubt, they see him as a "Job" like character who suffers through not being able to work, not having contact with his children, a crazy ex wife who seems to just hate on him without quitting and I am sure this is all they know. If that is all they have to reference it then he can be referenced to integrity.

He did the damage, more than some will ever know and then he ran.

Everyday, I face his words, his guile. his actions in ways some will never understand. I wish I could have all the pain and all the hurt and all the abuse just wash away. In reality it has become the past for most of us but it's left us broken in ways that surface occasionally and we are continually forced to live through the craziness and upheaval of being broken.

I think this is why leaving the church became part of my journey. Because there will always be a difference of opinion to what really makes a man integral.

I can't undo the past, I can say I'm sorry and I can try as best as I can to undo the damage. Sometimes that means hurting and holding myself as I watch my children grow. 

I didn't run, I have always been here in and amongst the broken pieces that are slowly forming into a beautiful work of art.... a healed family. I don't invoke the sympathy of strangers telling tales of woe. I take the anger, the frustration, the JOY and the love that comes from getting through a difficult life and I hold it dear to my heart. I am there to be proud, to shoulder the pain and to sometimes be the focus of the anger because as Dr W said, "you're the one they get angry with because they know you will always love them, no conditions."

I don't know the actual definition of integrity, I really, in the end don't care what it is I just know that I have to live with differences of opinion. I live each day knowing my role in why my family broke and continue trying everyday to make it just a little more right.

So, did the man without guile have it? Yes, towards me he did but to the man who spoke at his funeral I am sure he never once saw it so his talk was referencing his perspective. It was his truth.

To those that see M as integral, I am sure he is in every way.

For me though, I would say differently as I am sure he would of me.

Someday maybe M will know in his heart what happened had a lot to do with his actions and maybe then he will say sorry. I think that will be when I may find a way to see some kind of integrity in him. Until then though, I just can't see it.

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent. ~ Dalai Lama

So it's been a while. I've been incredibly busy at work and mostly I have wanted to think deeply and try and remember what the purpose of this blog is.

To remind myself and others what that purpose is.

"Enjoying the Journey" is a historical record for my children and their children and their children and so on and so on in my journey to find JOY.

It's been hard the last few months to be joyful; to find the purpose in the events that I was struggling with. In the end though, at least this series of endings, silence has rewarded me.

That being said, I did however, lose it last week.

Here it goes.

"I've tried to find some quote or some wise words of wisdom to address a post. I have stayed silent for a reason but when my faith comes under criticism because people see my walking away as some lack of it, I get angry. Sometimes the weakness for some (and by that I mean SOME) is in the staying. When you have walked my path and when you can know my heart then maybe you might be able to understand.

I have never been more faithful or strong. I am willing to show my weaknesses and more importantly I see them more as way to grow in my humanity and not some indicator of a lack of faith. Yes, FB is a ridiculous place to say this but come-on, it's truly the only place left that any of you have contact with me outside of the very few that have taken the time to find out what really happened. I think, for the first in a very long time I am finally who I was always meant to be. What is so offensive, that I left or that I left and found myself? Yeah, its a rant, but seriously, this is old. I am purposely quiet, I have accepted that ALL of us, by the very PLAN OF SALVATION of the church you hold so true to, grants that I have this choice. I am not ANTI MORMON, I am not a standard bearer for ex-mormons, I am not someone who bashes the LDS faith on a regular basis so why must you find such reason to call into question mine. Faith, by definition; your definition, is a hope for things unseen, if you only knew what my hopes were instead of judging them. I have known the best of people in my old religion and the worst, why are the the most insensitive the loudest? Maybe your post wasn't directed at me, maybe I am a bit sensitive but overall, moments like this are when I am grateful I am free to be, say and love in a world that accepts everyone without an exclusionary clause. Rant OVER!"

I totally lost it on FB. One of the few remaining LDS friends I have left posted a quote from the infamous conference talk about those who leave. It has in-sighted major discussion on the forums and blogs of many an ex-mormon, hurt deeply many who didn't just "give up" as the quote would have insinuated. I've read, listened to and studied the words and I simply choose to ignore them understanding the never ending principle of "walking in my shoes".

Something snapped inside me that moment I read the quote posted on FB, maybe because it was someone I admired, someone who had been dorment on FB and who's only glimpse at my life comes through FB.I can't say exactly why but I wrote, hard, my feelings.

I could go through it all again, about the loneliness, the broken social environment, the lost life but it's mute but what I can say is no one would volunteer this life without first reasoning and knowing it is the HARDEST path and not about the easy choices. Nothing about the last 2 and some months of my life have been easy.

He has since contacted me and apologized. (the friend who placed the post) and I have said as well that I had been too sensitive.

Those who KNOW what happened understand why leaving really was the only choice when it came to the emotional healing of not only my life but my family's as well.  That's really all that needs said.

As I was mulling all of this over I was reminded of something that made FB and all the rants and raves and intrusions worthy of whatever the outcome is.

A pet peeve I have had of late was all the "evil verses good" rhetoric of the American election that was inundating FB. It became a gong show of sorts and when the personal attacks of Obama became almost an hourly occurrence I removed myself for a while because I had to remain silent so others would respect my need for silence. When it was all said and done, the American election I mean, and all of the Mormons who were calling it the end of days as they knew it were going crazy on their walls, up popped this....

"still a beautiful day in the greatest nation on earth! I hope that both sides put politics aside and do what's best for the country! God Bless the United States of America!!"

I haven't met my nephew's wife, I am not even sure whether she or he wrote it but there it was amongst all the gloom and doom and poor sportsmanship; a simple line that reaffirmed to me that even in the haven of all things Mormon was a young family that understood that healing needed to be done so what's "best" could be accomplished.

I realized when my friend messaged me and asked if it was his words that had offended me I had to make the choice to understand and to realize that some feel very differently than I do about a lot of things. Thinking differently isn't the issue, it remains in the demand that you or I must all think the same.

I escaped that world, shaped by narcissism and religious zealousness. In each day I pray with the gratitude of knowing who and what I am in my God's eyes knowing that I have no monopoly on His existence. I am grateful everyday for the peace I have in the silence I seek so profoundly for.

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“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” ~ Virgina Star

Day 1 - of the beginning of my 52nd rotation and I already feel deflated. I will pick myself up and I will move forward yet again.

God I hate pity parties, they are getting so frickin' old.

My Respite

What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter - a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue. 

~Henri Matisse