Winter's Blues

The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. -Eckhart Tolle

The winter blues..... are hard. It doesn't help when you are fighting your second bout of a cold with the fear of crappy lungs hanging over you.

In photography, seasons have a hue, it's referenced as white balance. Summer is warm, winter cold, in even has a temp. When you shoot winter scenes you can change the hue or color by adjusting the color balance.

Here is a pic with the white balance is adjusted to take away the hue of winter and bring out the sunrise. You can, with the right software, change any mood of any landscape.

Some would say that anti depressants give the same effect for those who suffer from the winter blues. Others swear by light therapy. Shining a sun light on your face for a few hours. It works but its boring.

I haven't always had the winter blues. I think aging and being stuck in an office isn't helping but my solution usually is to just know that it's my reality and do what I can to get out and see the sun.

Depression is real. It does hurt but above all else it is managable. So here's to the 31st of January and just the realization that there is only 1 more month of the grey days and then, S-P-R-I-N-G!!!!

The Highwood pass opens again, the Spray Lakes are accessible and everything begins again.

Can't Wait!!!

Seriously?!

"We must remember that one determined person can make a significant difference, and that a small group of determined people can change the course of history. ~ Sonia Johnson

I have had a lot of time lately, some might argue too much of it really, but I have been catching up on reading, resting and generally trying to get myself through the flu even though this tokus had a flu shot.

Thus; the irony of my life.

In my reading I came across a link and it brought back some memories long ago of the time I spent at Ricks (BYU IDAHO).

It was the fall of 1979 and Mom had just dropped me off at Somerset Apartments. There I was, on my own for the first time and having a ball. I loved my classes, kind of liked my roommates and was learning to appreciate Rexburg Idaho.

It only took a few days to realize that the kind of "liberal" that I was would ultimately and completely place me in conflict with almost everyone there. I was young enough to not have a social filter (that's what you get when you graduate at 17) but wise enough to keep my mouth shut most of the right times. This was the time I think I grew the most as so much was required of me and I was on one of the first of many learning curves that would make me who I am today.

In Calgary, politics, especially women's rights was a non issue in the late 70's. The Charter Of Rights was being drawn and some things were just a given, common sense you might call it. Women were equals under the law and women's rights just existed.  It took only a few weeks in Rexburg to start to hear the rumbling of the ERA and the name Sonia Johnson.

The first time I had heard her name was in RS. The teacher was on the subject of what I don't know but then they began to talk about her and there was actual venom in the sister's voice. Naive as I was I turned and asked my California roommate who Sonia Johnson was. She was the right one to ask, her tone more liberal then most others there and she explained what it was all about. I remember turning to her and say; "seriously, you have to pass an amendment to provide rights for women?" I was flabbergasted  How were the rights for men vs women indistinguishable in any way?

Well, there was no Internet back then so I had to go to the library and look at the periodicals and the microfilms to find out more but as I did I began to realize that what I honestly took for granted simply wasn't written into the American system of law. It wasn't soon after this that I understood that the side I was on just wasn't the right one according to the majority and yet there were a few voices. I was a chicken back then, there would have been no way I would have been an advocate but I knew, deep in my heart that if a women in the church chose to stand for or against the ERA it remained a choice she had the right to make. She shouldn't be punished for her beliefs. More importantly, as the easiest cop out ever; I was Canadian, thank goodness, and this just wasn't my fight.

I followed the plight of Sonia Johnson through the years. I felt the sting of her excommunication through the halls of Ricks, felt the message loud and clear. I watched her on Donahue and wondered what was so threatening there? Here was this women speaking out for rights that seemed so given in the first place and here her life had fractured so completely  I couldn't have known back then the ultimate cost of it all.

Now, fast forward 30 years and here we are again only this time, it's not one voice but many and social media allows a connection that had Sonia had 30 years ago, maybe she wouldn't have been so alone. First pants and now prayers and when you think about it, the concept is asinine even it's mention. To think that women in 2013 have to protest for equality is astonishing.  Now, take a deep breath, this isn't about a bunch of heretics demanding the priesthood. It's so much more than that. Inform yourself before you criticize.

I remember the feeling I had 30 years ago on the Rick's campus as word spread that Sonia had been excommunicated. Fear shot through me that I couldn't quite describe. I knew then that the way I was thinking wasn't wrong, it just wasn't allowed and I was way to naive back then to connect that maybe the church was a place I just didn't belong. I have heard and read accounts of students and intellectuals in the 90's who understood the message sent then by the excommunication of the Sept 6 and how it drove them away or to silence. What would it take for the voices of those demanding change to be heard rather than silenced?

Now, I look at these new courageous women, connected through a medium not controlled by a dominant lds leadership in a broader more spread out church membership and wonder; is this the time? Is this the moment when equality for lds women can finally be realized?

When I think that women can't even pray in general conference and if this is threatening in anyway to the priesthood leadership, what then does that say about the church as a whole. My hope and prayer is that those in leadership can embrace womanhood for all it offers and not stifle into a "keep Sweet" kind of box. That, I am sure, may be a bit of a problem.

My hope is in these courageous women. They have within their grasp the tools of social media. This generation of women are more educated, more willing to speak out and less afraid and they are supported mostly by more confident and intelligent young men who are unaffected by stronger women in their lives. Maybe we were silenced outwardly 30 years ago but what they couldn't silence was the fact that as mothers we would raise sons and daughters to be unafraid of the changes and to see the need for change.

So here is to the petition for Women being able to say the Prayer in Conference. I'd sign it but I am on my way out of the morg, but if you're still in and you see this practise as condescending and ridiculous  sign it and make a change.

I wonder what Sonia is thinking right now about the FmH'ers? I hope she knows how much of an influence she had on so many of us and how grateful we are for her.

Good luck girls.

Reasoning the Unreasonable

"Why do you make surviving all about being abused? Is that all you hope to be and all that you are about?"

Surviving is about dealing with the scars from the abuse we endured and overcoming the pain from the past as we allow ourselves to heal. When it comes to spreading awareness, survivors use their stories of how they were abused to open people's eyes to the truth about what really goes on behind closed doors. Survivors are not all about being abused. No, we are about shedding light on the truth and we reach out to others by sharing our own experiences. We're about educating people on the dangers of abuse and exposing the truth for all to see. We're about giving other survivors and victims hope and faith that they can have a life after abuse and live an abuse free life. That it is possible. There would never be any change and none of us could ever make a difference if we didn't share our experiences with others. The life of a survivor and victim is not all glitter and glam. Abuse is not pretty and neither are the battles we face after we go from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

~ Abuse no More Tina H.

It's been a battle of the flu for the past few weeks. When my body is weakened my heart and soul becomes vulnerable. I spend my days recovering and my mind then wanders, back, to a more unpleasant time. It happens less and less now and I am so grateful for that but when my mind does recall the emotions what forefronts the most is regret coupled with the guilt that had I just been stronger, braver, whatever it could have been, I would have spared so much more harm to the blameless; my kids.

2012 brought about so many changes, mostly for the good. I saw myself stronger than I have ever been. I have reconnected to people I never thought possible and realized just how others needed distancing. I have disappointed family and I have impressed others. I opened up to possibilities of a better future and made bold decisions. Overall, I am improved and that is all we can mostly hope for when we look back on a past year.

My writing has dramatically slowed down. I would hope it was because I am a more content person. I think time management may be in play as well. Either way, I think I need to focus more on a resolutive prose, a healing narrative because I think, for the most part, the anger has dissipated.

I was on the FmH FB page today, a thread about ecclesiastical inaction over spousal and parental abuse was filling quickly. I comment so little on these forums, mostly because my emotional responses still hold so much anger and hurt they become ineffectual. Over and over the comments contained the lack of response from Bishops and Stake presidents in abuse matters. Every part of me wanted to write something, say something and yet all that I could even muster was "did you really think it would be different?"

Through everything the one most apparent lesson I have learned in this matter is that all the promises made through conference talks, RS lessons and sacramental talks from the pulpit is NOTHING will ever be done though empty promises of change are never ending. It's the reality of being a Mormon women in a church of misogynistic leadership, a "good old boys club" of protection.

Why can I say that? I have lived it. It's my reality.

I am not going to even bother with the details, too many and familiar. I think over 1/2 of the single members of the church have a story to tell. My bet would be most would find themselves exactly where I am; out of the fold.

I am going to do something today, I never thought I would. I am moving forward with removing my name.   For so many more reasons than this, when people ask me "are you Mormon?", I don't want to answer Yes any more. There is nothing, doctrinally, historically, or socially involved in Mormonism that I find any longing to be a part of anymore.

Why now? 

Let M answer that. 

It's time.

It's IRONIC really, the "good ol boy's club" saving the one and in turn losing 5. 

I have hope is those young FmHer's. Maybe they can affect change, maybe they will make a difference. Maybe their generation of singles sisters will garnish a respect so few of my generation were ever afforded.

Regrets

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.” ~Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre

Every once in a while my whole soul gets basted in the regrets of my past journey. I over analyse every mistake and every direction taken incorrectly and find myself self inflicting the lack of forgiveness required to overcome the consequences of those mistakes.

Had I been strong and full of the confidence to not allow myself to be abused I could have spared so much pain for every other member of that journey we shared. I have no doubt that with the self confidence to simple speak up in a positive and assertive way rather than shrink into the destructive pattern I might just have saved the heartache that some members of my family feel now. Oh, if I could just go backwards in time and be a better example, what I would give.

What am I on about?

Thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy taught me one of the most vital lessons to a healthy life. Change is entirely self driven. You cannot change others you can only change yourself. period.

So, what that means is, if life isn't working for you, what can YOU do to change it. Once I understood that concept I then knew that if I did all I could do to change my life, to make it better and those within it were unwilling to find the change in themselves a well, well then, that might just be an indicator to move on.

I think that sums up pretty neatly the reason I chose to walk away from a 20+ year marriage.

My fault lies in letting it be so dysfunctional for far too long.

I have had some time in the past few weeks to really look hard at who I am and what I am about.

Best described would be imperfect, completely, utterly imperfect.

I am so full of so many regrets.

I was set back by the actions of another, someone I thought would have had at least the decency to acknowledge his responsibility to his son, but he didn't. Didn't even answer the email to say no, just silence.

I have had to have my son wait now to fix a health problem that is huge. For the first time, I am overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of my children.

I remember my Mom, when I had no where to go but her house at 43 years old. she said: "I love you, I can't give you much but what I can give you in a roof over your head and food on the table."

When does our responsibility end as parents? When do you stop feeling the pangs of need your children have?

I guess for M, the day he married his second wife. That was the last day he ever contributed anything.

I used to say, when we were first married, that he was the kind of man that would do anything to provide for his family. Well history has proven me wrong.

When push came to shove, I was out at the $6.oo/hr job while he was home "working full time trying to find a full time job",  hmmnn, is that what he still says?

I have men angry these past few weeks, wanting to blame someone for this situation, wanting to scream, shout, do something to have M see that even legally, we could go after him to force him to help, make him help.

What good would that do?

Well, this is a tough one to let go, to not stew over. Being sick didn't help in the process of "letting go" either.

So, to get back to where I started, regrets can cripple a soul. Over and over again I have said that if the sole purpose of that 25 year marriage rests in that 4 beautiful, oh wait, that's six now, people are in my life fulfilling every warm part of my sole then I guess it's time to put away the regrets and get down to the living.

I know this post doesn't make sense, its a bit because it was started a month ago, medications still working and sometimes our pasts just simply don't make sense, ever.

Beginnings

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. 

But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. 

~ Sir Winston Churchill

I have always loved nature. I can't remember a time when being outside for me wasn't a testament of a loving God who provided such an amazing universe. I wonder if it was all those beautiful Sunbeam lessons about the Sun and the rain and the plants that used to be the guts of those early primary manuals. Either way, whether it be the LDS church or God, taking a big breath anywhere I go helps me to know who I am and what I am about on my sojourn here. 

I was away this holiday season. It was the first time in all of my years as a mother I wasn't with my children. I was with W's family who have taken me in as one of them and they are the "salt" of the earth. They are "GOOD" people.

They live in northern BC. Plenty of people wonder how anyone lives north of even Calgary but there is a particular type of Canadian that thrives in all that Canada has to offer both in the summer and winter. These H's know just how much joy can come out of living in the north. I can't describe just how much beauty there is up there, I would do it a disservice. I was in awe and still believe it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

I haven't seen that much snow in one place unless a very bad storm had gone through Calgary. To them; it was the snow "so far".  It piles up thru to March and then melts and then spring comes and it becomes a beauty that Spring can only bring to a winter wonderland.

I dream of living in a place where the seasons are full and the landscape rustic. W continually tells of his adventures when living in Prince George and just how much he would love to live in a similar place where the pace is easier and the people, well, I don't know, the people are just different.

On the day we left, we woke early and it had snowed nearly all night. W filled the truck and we wished our hosts good bye. As we came out from behind the house and there, I saw it. Something I had never witnessed before. I can't say why I haven't, maybe because the Rockies illuminate so much over our western horizon in Calgary that it might get lost or maybe because I just never had noticed it before but there, through the woods, the moon was setting and my heart was stilled. What an unbelievably beautiful movement. 

I grabbed my camera and did the best I could to capture it but nothing in visual print could ever compare to the feeling I had of seeing the moon set. Weird I know, but wow, it moved me; changed me really. I wondered how someone could actually get to over 50 years old and never see the moon set so beautifully.

I have taken some barbs over these new relatives of mine. Someone once asked me to remove a nephew's FB feed over his hunting pictures. I have always refused. Not out of defence for his hunting but out of his defense to hunt. The H men are all alpha males. They hunt, they fish, they define "red neck" Canadian and yet each one of them has a tender heart for the women in their lives. They treat there mother like gold, and puff their chests in all it's maleness but still let there women be the women they are intended to be. The H women (including D) are clearly the strongest women I have ever met. They glue this family and they live life more fully then any other women I have known. They call  a spade a spade and expect the game to be fair. They have changed me for the better. Being in this new family has helped me heal in a way I never thought possible.