Resolve

One week later and I am still sitting on the proverbial fence as to what to do. It's been an enlightened week. I had a one on one with my new manager and I was able to voice some of my concerns and resolved on moving forward. I think I have a handle on what is and isn't the workplace realities for my job. I have done some soul searching and I think I know which direction works best for me, what are the aspects of my life necessary to endure and what goals are realistic to conquer to insure that my future is bright enough to maybe dawn a pair of shades.

Now the big question - do I watch what I say, change the direction of a blog that for over 3 years has been my voice; or do I shut it all down and revert to paper and pen? The answer?

Simply put - continue on as is.

My life may not look "right" for some who look in but I am comfortable with my choices and happy at the way it is going. A future for me has possibilities of being full and happy and that comes from a resolve to know myself and to find a way to balance all if it and realise that in the balance the living a full life happens. 

Nothing is perfect - nor does it have to be. When I finally figured out that perfection is, as the Hebrew tradition relates, finding it in oneself and not in the determination of what others expect, I have found a happiness and resolve in my life that makes no excuses. I am, quite literally shocked, at the sanity of it all.

So I resolve to continue in the hope that someday my words will matter. That the journey I am on will have a significance to my posterity. I was recently reading the journal of one of JS's many wives. I am sure the intent of her written words were never what they have become but all the same, her words matter, deeply.

So, for those who read, take head, I resolve to continue. I will take the time to pay attention to the intent of my message, write for those that matter and hope that someday, someone, somewhere will read them and relate and find comfort and hope. It's all I can ask.

Choices

Blogs and their purpose. I seriously had an AHA moment yesterday and nearly, really close I have to say, dropped this blogging thing all together.

It's been a long time since I have been in a situation where I was mocked or made fun of in front of myself. I hate that when it happens, I remember long ago, when I was YW president, one of the Laurels and her NM visiting friend openly made fun of two of the other girls in a way that only they would know. It was obvious enough to make quite a few people uncomfortable but I do remember saying that words can hurt so we should mind them. It wasn't until later I realized that those words were intended for my own daughter.

Yesterday we had our Christmas social for our group at work. A hard working group of young to middle young people and me and G - the old farts edging ourselves to retirement. I am jealous because G is actually counting down. I have been having issues with my new manager. I will say that he is nothing like my old one and it will have to suffice.

I realize this blog is a public forum, I have thought hard about privatizing it and for a number of reasons I have chosen otherwise. I understand because it is a public blog I need to be mindful, thus the letters for names and the mostly "step back" ( I have to admit I can sometimes step beyond the limits) attitude.

THIS BLOG IS FOR MY CHILDREN!

On my book shelf is a book created by my brother from the journals of a great aunt suffering from an unknown diagnosis who travels to Turkey on the orient express in the late 1800's. I also have the journals of other family members lovingly reproduced by other relatives. I come from a long line of writers who spoke to their journeys, spoke about hardships, happiness and growth. This time, this is the medium, this is the portal for my words and later, when I am gone, it is my hope that my words will matter.

So what am I on about?

I ended up across the table from the bain of my existence, my new manager. He is uncommunicative, hard to get to know, and well, in consideration of what is going to follow I will stop there.

We we having one of the short interchanges and a comment was made about blogging; a kind of "heads-up" comment. It came out of nowhere and was left dangling because right at that moment I realized that maybe this blog has been accessed by some I had least expected ever would.

My FAULT!

The part that got me was the mocking, like it was some kind of trailer trash thing to do. That hurt.

I am still processing it though.

I have literally become non existent on FB because a co-worker took advantage of it and threw me under a bus and now, every social conscious I have wants to shut this down as well but this is how I communicate, this is what I do do work through and discover truths, ways to cope and manage the heart and head of a growing journey. This is my "journey journal" written entirely for posterity.

I hate critics, I hate haters. I have to think this through.

I may be out of action for a while.

Day 2 - 2012

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

I love New Year's. Not the night or the parties but the concept of a beginning of a new year and a new start. This year seems different and I am not sure why. I am hoping it's because I have entered the second trimester of healing according to Dr. W. She spoke of the three terms of healing that coincide with the length of your marriage. The second trimester is for indifference and healing relationships. I can't for the life of me see a circumstance where M and I would ever converse but I know that now all I feel for him his indifference and maybe a bit of pity. (yikes, I really penned that).

I can't imagine living without the voices of my children or grandchildren in my life. Of only seeing them through borrowed pictures. I know that there was a time when my children have, each of them, distanced themselves from me and even me from them but nothing would impede me from resolution. Forgiveness, as difficult a journey as ever I have been on is so worth it. I understand the concept of autonomy and decision making for adults (thank-you MOM) and my children our amazing human beings making individual choices. God loves them and it isn't any one's right, including their father's to impose judgement. It's in the judging that M loses his kids. My children have no idea where he even lives right now. I have decided to step away from it all. As adults my children make their own decisions, they have been for many years. I have been accused of influencing those decisions but anyone who knows my children knows that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I have fiercely independent kids who value choice as for many years they weren't allowed to have that privilege.

So, though I may not always agree with my children's paths what I do agree with is that we all have the right to choose our own journey and with that right we must all accept the consequences of the paths we choose. My children understand that and stepping back and just reviewing who they have become I feel so strongly in praising them because they have done so well in spite of the challenges they have already faced in such young lives.

*side note - the following paragraphs have come to my attention as sounding angry - sorry for that. When it comes to my kids I can become a bit of a momma bear and that may be what you read here. My feelings for M are mostly indifference. He abandoned his role long ago and I held a lot of resentment at first when the entire responsibility for the kids - financial and all - ended up on my shoulders and yet I was being portrayed as this horrible person. FOR THE MOST PART I am over it. The following was originally a blog post all unto itself. Mostly, what this is now is just a heads up to M to maybe have him understand what he could do to remedy his relationships with his kids. The words came off bitchy, I am sorry for that.

So a bit of a heads up to M who I understand checks in here for news of his family. Her name is Kienna, it's by her permission the full name is even on this blog post. It's not Karalyn anymore, it hasn't been for a number of years. She can and does address the reasons for the name change and as an adult it is her choice to do so. The fact you refuse to address her by this name is one of the major reasons you have distanced yourself from your children. Had you understood the plan of salvation nearly as well as your perceived notion of an individual omnipotent belief in your own priesthood you might have a relationship with her, your other children and your grandchildren. I have really tried to understand the part of the gospel that gives you a belief in control over  every one's life, I think now that somewhere a long the line you twisted the very plan of salvation into your own personal view of priesthood power. The Dr's spoke of narcissism and the weakness the gospel can have in allowing men to become exuberant in it. Our live together is long over, thank GOD and I know that somewhere down the road you will have to come to terms with a resolution to the damage you inflicted on all of us. I won't define my life by the pain any more but by the hope I feel each day. I only hope that someday the empty words of " I am sorry you feel that I hurt you" can someday be replaced by the full words of "I am truly sorry" so you can feel the love these children and grandchildren are capable of. Those words "I am sorry" without conditions are liberating, you should try it sometime.

This is a new year, a new beginning. I love new beginnings.