#16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
So, this concept is one that I have only recently mastered and because I did, it has changed my life. Let me explain.
I am a person of “what ifs”. I tend to worry about what may happen or the possibility of chaos or change happening and would find myself changing my direction based on the possibility of chaos rather then the actuality of it. Dr. W caught this and because she did she gave me the courage and the skills to overcome the anxiety of the unknown, although I still talk the scenarios out, which now has given my life a greater sense of purpose. I am still working on this; it’s not that easy to overcome.
I don’t think you could ever imagine the amount of opportunities that were lost while I reasoned away the journey due to what may happen if I took it. I avoided problematic circumstances because I had no esteem to know that I could handle them. It’s an ironic situation. Going through difficulties gives you the experience to overcome more difficult ones but running away from the opportunities to grow makes it impossible to do just that; grow. Fear had brought my life to an emotional standstill. I was at a stalemate.
Oh sure, I rationalized it away. I was busy being a full time Mom, my life couldn’t possibly handle one more thing, it’s easy to assume the worst will happen and then when you don’t present yourself and nothing happens, you win. It was quicksand and I was sinking, terribly and quickly.
The change occurred in the understanding that “in all things I give thee experience”. Knowing that the set of circumstances you find yourself in are custom made and individualized and that you can overcome them by faith and prayer and an earnest effort gives you the strength to endure, overcome and become fulfilled. I have no fears now, even though I still talk out the what-if’s.
I am dating an amazing man with the patience to understand the fear and to listen. I may speak of the chances of chaos but they don’t burden me by seeing only the obstacles and running from the journey. In fact, now, it’s more of a way of road mapping the journey by actualizing the obstacles and preparing for them. It’s like a best case/worst case scenario walk through and then nothing surprises you. I have grown so much and seen so much joy by simply enduring and loving the journey that is mine, obstacles and all.
I now breathe, deeply, and move forward and while I do I am understanding God’s great plan for me. He does love me and he cares. I may not always do the right thing in the eyes of those who watch me but I am constantly striving to do the right thing for me.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Life Lesson # 15 Everything
#15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
To blink is absolutely fascinating. The process takes all of a microsecond and unless you are thinking about it, it happens involuntarily; without thought or consequence. But when there is something caught in your eye and the blinking is a result of irritation or allergy or whatever, it’s the outside influences that change the whole process, that create the most irritation. Think about it for a minute, if, without the outside irritant being involved, blinking just happens, over and over and you seem oblivious to it. It is a natural response.
Just a few months ago a dear friend was reminiscing about her life and how easy it was going. It was with foreboding that she said it and with hindsight it was as if she was preparing herself. I mean, the lives of her friends around her were littered with chaos and heartache and struggle and she was like, all about it maybe being her turn without ever really saying it. Then, it happened.
In the blink of an eye her son was nearly killed in a car accident and for the last few months she has been in the midst of her own chaos I doubt any of us could survive. She has had grace and dignity and challenges and she again has risen to the status of example. So what am I on about? That whole “blink of an eye” thing and the whole world changing in it.
It is when we become complacent that sudden and dramatic change can bring us to our knees. If we live with the knowledge that chaos, whether self inflicted or forced on us, is but a blink away, we survive and we grow. Now, here’s a bit of a disclaimer. Chaos has the ability to knock the wind out of us. You have a right to call for a reprieve and to breath….. both in and then out and then in again; to gather your emotions and to recompose yourself and to find the purpose. Then to sort whatever there is to sort out and move forward; always moving forward.
I had a struggle recently with my asthma. I try without fail to convince myself that I have just a mild case of it. I hack and I cough and I wheeze and there are times when I know it’s bad but I still insist that it is just a bad cold or maybe some allergies. Well, when I was with W a while ago I scared the begebees out of him and he insisted I see the Dr. (Let me state right here and now, I hate going to the Dr. I hate it with a passion and please, going to the hospital, don’t even get me started. I relented and promised I would.)
That Monday when I got back I went. Off in the corner of the large waiting room was a section of people all wearing masks and a large sign stating that if you had any of the mentioned symptoms to go to that particular place. As I moved towards the nurse and I explained I had Asthma she whisked me faster than I have ever been whisked before to a different area. A doctor saw me pretty quickly and an x-ray was taken. I knew I was in trouble when two doctors called me into a separate area and the x-ray was brought up on the screen. The two Doctors then explained the results of the x-ray and pointed out the massive infection all over the right lung.
Seriously, I knew I was having problems. I knew that my breathing was labored but what they then explained to me was that all those people in the other cordoned off section were suffering from the H1V1 (Swine Flu) and that with the way my lungs were at that moment, I would not survive an exposure. “A Blink of an Eye” moment. I had been laughing and sending the emails and joking about this flu and the reality was, for me, I needed to care. I was put on some heavy medication and had some stern warnings and at this moment, my lungs are much improved but I will never take coughing and labouredly breathing so lightly again. It took another to help me understand the fragility of my situation. I can’t leave my kids yet and I have to do everything I can to make sure I stick around to make their lives that much more fun. I’d say for at least another 20 or 30 years.
These moments, when things suddenly change for us, and our vision or life direction completely transforms are, whether we want them or not, good for us. We need to embrace, after the wind comes back into our sails, the lessons these life changing moments have for us and grow and get stronger and be what our lives were always intended to be. I believe with all my heart that my Asthma is a trial that I agreed to far before I ever came here. I knew the weaknesses our bodies would have; I knew that my struggle is here for me to overcome and to grow from. I am grateful for the lessons I continually have.
It is my prayer that I always embrace these lessons and never let them overcome me. They overcame me once in my lifetime. Whether it was good or bad it was a journey that I am grateful for having passed through. Life is, above everything, always about enjoying the journey.
To blink is absolutely fascinating. The process takes all of a microsecond and unless you are thinking about it, it happens involuntarily; without thought or consequence. But when there is something caught in your eye and the blinking is a result of irritation or allergy or whatever, it’s the outside influences that change the whole process, that create the most irritation. Think about it for a minute, if, without the outside irritant being involved, blinking just happens, over and over and you seem oblivious to it. It is a natural response.
Just a few months ago a dear friend was reminiscing about her life and how easy it was going. It was with foreboding that she said it and with hindsight it was as if she was preparing herself. I mean, the lives of her friends around her were littered with chaos and heartache and struggle and she was like, all about it maybe being her turn without ever really saying it. Then, it happened.
In the blink of an eye her son was nearly killed in a car accident and for the last few months she has been in the midst of her own chaos I doubt any of us could survive. She has had grace and dignity and challenges and she again has risen to the status of example. So what am I on about? That whole “blink of an eye” thing and the whole world changing in it.
It is when we become complacent that sudden and dramatic change can bring us to our knees. If we live with the knowledge that chaos, whether self inflicted or forced on us, is but a blink away, we survive and we grow. Now, here’s a bit of a disclaimer. Chaos has the ability to knock the wind out of us. You have a right to call for a reprieve and to breath….. both in and then out and then in again; to gather your emotions and to recompose yourself and to find the purpose. Then to sort whatever there is to sort out and move forward; always moving forward.
I had a struggle recently with my asthma. I try without fail to convince myself that I have just a mild case of it. I hack and I cough and I wheeze and there are times when I know it’s bad but I still insist that it is just a bad cold or maybe some allergies. Well, when I was with W a while ago I scared the begebees out of him and he insisted I see the Dr. (Let me state right here and now, I hate going to the Dr. I hate it with a passion and please, going to the hospital, don’t even get me started. I relented and promised I would.)
That Monday when I got back I went. Off in the corner of the large waiting room was a section of people all wearing masks and a large sign stating that if you had any of the mentioned symptoms to go to that particular place. As I moved towards the nurse and I explained I had Asthma she whisked me faster than I have ever been whisked before to a different area. A doctor saw me pretty quickly and an x-ray was taken. I knew I was in trouble when two doctors called me into a separate area and the x-ray was brought up on the screen. The two Doctors then explained the results of the x-ray and pointed out the massive infection all over the right lung.
Seriously, I knew I was having problems. I knew that my breathing was labored but what they then explained to me was that all those people in the other cordoned off section were suffering from the H1V1 (Swine Flu) and that with the way my lungs were at that moment, I would not survive an exposure. “A Blink of an Eye” moment. I had been laughing and sending the emails and joking about this flu and the reality was, for me, I needed to care. I was put on some heavy medication and had some stern warnings and at this moment, my lungs are much improved but I will never take coughing and labouredly breathing so lightly again. It took another to help me understand the fragility of my situation. I can’t leave my kids yet and I have to do everything I can to make sure I stick around to make their lives that much more fun. I’d say for at least another 20 or 30 years.
These moments, when things suddenly change for us, and our vision or life direction completely transforms are, whether we want them or not, good for us. We need to embrace, after the wind comes back into our sails, the lessons these life changing moments have for us and grow and get stronger and be what our lives were always intended to be. I believe with all my heart that my Asthma is a trial that I agreed to far before I ever came here. I knew the weaknesses our bodies would have; I knew that my struggle is here for me to overcome and to grow from. I am grateful for the lessons I continually have.
It is my prayer that I always embrace these lessons and never let them overcome me. They overcame me once in my lifetime. Whether it was good or bad it was a journey that I am grateful for having passed through. Life is, above everything, always about enjoying the journey.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Life Lesson # 14 Relationships
Life Lesson # 14.
"If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it."
I have sat on this for a while, not because I am ashamed but more because of how I might process and reflect on this life lesson. My life, in the church anyway, has been an open book for anyone to write on. Gossip and innuendo has been the fader and mostly, people have had it wrong until someone in the know would correct the misstatements’ so as to alleviate the embarrassment to my kids. Gossip is a staple of the Mormon culture and whether you want to admit it or not, we all become unwilling or willing, in some cases, participants in it. So here’s a heads up.
Yes, I am in a relationship. Now, I could stop at this but what fun would that be? I could leave you hanging and then you might say, “Oh, that’s why the posts are so sporadic now.” But the truth is I am having a great time dating and out of just about nowhere a relationship was borne and I am still, as of this moment, shocked that I am even in one. Let me explain.
W and I met on an internet site at about the time both of us were about to quit. I was on mostly as a curious bystander and had promised myself that I would answer any smile that was sent. W sent one and I responded, almost 9 months ago. We conversed back and forth and with each exchange I would give him all the reasons why I would be the most unlikely choice. He was patient and hung on and 6 months after first conversing I agreed to meet him at the temple. Shut up! I know that’s cheesy!
His picture did him no justice and above everything else W is kind; unbelievably kind and when I look back on all the prayers sent heavenward the first and most important quality was kindness. Guess what, the Lord sometimes gives you exactly what you asked for. We talk for hours and we challenge each other in the best of ways and we compliment each other in that many more. The one common thought is that time is the best way to really know someone and time is what we have. Four seasons and assembling something from IKEA, (somehow, I think with W’s brain that won’t be a problem). The inaugural season, as assigned by the Smith Children is Summer 2009. So if you are thinking of asking when any nuptials would be taking place may I suggest you hold that thought until summer of 2010. Life has already dealt one bad decision on my behalf; I am taking some extra time to make sure the next one has more staying power.
This step in my life required a faith and courage I have never experienced before and still does….. daily. Trust alone is one of the biggest issues and as W said, sometimes you just have to let it go and let see what happens. Well, I have done that and I can’t believe the happiness I have in my life now. When he isn’t here, I am incomplete and when the door bell rings and he’s there, my heart skips a beat and then settles into the happy hum of being in and loving someone and having that someone love me back. He offers no criticisms, no put downs, no snide remarks. He has redefined partner for me in a way I know is normal for all of you but so foreign for me at one time. Is this really what it was supposed to be all about?
Will this last? Hmnnnn, I don’t know the answer to that. We have three more seasons to go through but what I know now is that I am better for having known and for knowing W.
My kids are scared. They have trust issues and want time to get used to all of this. It’s funny, even though I am not the one who caused them all the pain I still face the consequences of the decisions of others. These consequences aren’t impossible to live with. It’s even easier when the two of you become a team, another concept that until now has been completely foreign to me. Go figure… team work being something you have no idea about even after a 25 year marriage. It is almost hysterical if it weren’t so pathetic. My children are learning to trust that I will take time and that knowing W is an important part of becoming a part of our family. Even with the few bumps we have had we are learning to get through this and to be okay. I love healing!
So, there you have it. I have actually admitted I am in a relationship. He is one incredible man and he has taught me that kindness and compassion does actually happen in the man folk. Oh yeah, and guess what, he listens too. Wow, did that take a while to get used to. So here is to the enjoyment of the journey for the next little while. With each new day I am learning what love was supposed to be about and not the destructive concept I had for so long. God does answer our prayers, we just need to be sure that we are aware of the answer; it can sometimes be much unexpected.
And to W, to whom I know reads my blog. Thank-you for coming into my life and helping me to trust and know that kindness is one of the greatest blessings one can give another and that the love languages we have are there to be seen and cared about. You are a giver to your very core and I am forever grateful for you bringing faith that giving is a quality each of us should always have and never be ashamed of and for allowing me the time to understand all of this. Patience is a virtue by which you are best described.
On that first drive along the Longview highway when you said, “sometimes you just have to let it all go and just let it happen”, was the best advice anyone has given me. You are one hell of a man and I thank-you for not only restoring my faith in all that manhood is but for giving my kids a reason to maybe look again and see that there are nice guys out there and that their Mom may have been lucky (I say blessed) enough to have found it.
And let me iterate to everyone else one more time; please don’t ask when we will be announcing our nuptials because that won’t be for a while. This isn’t like the first time. There are five precious gifts from God involved and they are just as much a part of this team as W and I ever will be. For heavens sake, W and I are barely used to all of this and it is our lives, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them.
Stay tuned…… this could be one hell of a ride.