Never in my life did I think I would end up in such a beautiful place ...doing so many incredible things. So, I'm sorry if I was a little too honest with you. But I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?” ~ Last Holiday
I just spent 10 days by myself on Vancouver Island. Winter is brutal on me and this one was no exception. With W's limited vacation time and my extra from working overtime it just seemed right to get out and explore. My sister gave me the OK to stay in her beautiful home on the ocean so there I was, waking to sleeping hours hearing the waves crash, watching the sun rise and fall and hearing the migrating sea lions on the log boom just a short distance away.
When I started this blog I had just read the book by Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now" and had come to realize that this moment, the exact Now of our lives was the healing zone. I can't think of a better way to find Now and reside there for a moment than to take time away by oneself and just be.
It's time to close it (the blog); respectively and with purpose. It was never so apparent than when I heard from my middle BBG while away and she was hurt and needed it done. I had already moved on from here but hadn't left this place with an official closure and message.
Well, here it is.
The only intent of this blog was to heal. To document a journey and to give purpose to the actions some have most understood. You see, I come from a strong heritage of writers of journals. Even while I was away these last few weeks, my cousin shared with me a photocopy of the journal of my great grandfather as he migrated (adventure was his original purpose) from England to the Gold Rush in the Klondike to Vancouver where he met and fell in love with my namesake. His great aunt's journal that documents her travels from England to Turkey in search of healing at the Turkish Baths in the 1800's is also a part of my library. These are just a few of the words left to show how we, as a family, move through our lives.
I sometimes read back on this blog and see and feel those moments that made me heartsick, heartbroken, joyful and even elated. I have removed some posts because their point of reference was filled with too much anger. Yes, I did edit contra to some opinions. I have relished those where an AHA moment changed my life. Mostly though, I have evolved from all the pain and this blog has documented it. I made it through and I made it through whole, happy and with my children still with me. That would not have happened if I hadn't have taken a hard look at myself and asked the question, "what could I have done differently?" The answers were all there, in the words and because they're journal they will be a learning for generations to come, both the hard lessons and those that just made me who I am today.
Each child has a paradym of the past, much like I do, even M. The most important thing is to validate those paradigms and apologize where your behavior hurt people. That is the most essential part of these past 6 years. Saying sorry has been the most liberating evolution for me. Just this last week, BBG #1 asked me to stop apologizing. All I could say was I can't. I choose M, I chose that life, they were born into it. NO CHOICE there, and because they had no choice they suffered at the hands of my choice and for that, the apology will never ever end; ever.
Here is what I am on about.
Closing the chapter.
This week, these words, this blog was attacked again. It's funny how those who really know this journey, know my heart, see these words as inspiring, moving, quite gentle compared to what could be said and yet those, driven my a religious fear see them as an assault and mean spirited. "You can't please them all" as granny used to say and as I reflect I stand behind all that has been written. I do this because right from the start, the very first post, I left a disclaimer that said, this is MY JOURNEY. If you don't like it, no worries because I didn't write the words to please you or any other person. They were written as a journalistic journey of recovery from ABUSE. They were written for me, for my children. PERIOD.
Now to M, yes you, MARK.
For so long I have strived for indifference when it came to you. I was told that it was the opposite of love and I was willing to do whatever I could to not be in love with you.
I would argue now that isn't my goal anymore. You so rarely come up in conversation and when you do, it is mostly not a great conversation. Your actions over these last 8 years have proven over and over again that the decision to walk away was the right one. You continue to hurt the children and yet you continue to prove you haven't the social awareness to understand why. I thought you insensitivity and heartlessness was just a result of a cruel, religiously zealous attitude and yet now, I see you as broken, like the rest of us, just broken.
Your kids will always love you. That is ingrained into them, it's human nature. Respect on the other hand is earned and can easily be lost.
You think I have left the church to keep the kids happy and that I am less a parent for doing so and yet, if you have read this blog as you claim then the only way you could have ever come up with that is that you haven't comprehended a single word that has been written. My leaving the church, if blame can be laid at any one's feet would lay squarely on yours. Summed up: Spiritual Abuse.
Notice I used the word IF. I don't blame my departure on anyone. It is a CHOICE. One, by the way, I am very comfortable with. Having any kind of conversation with you on the fact is pointless because you judge too harshly and far too quickly to have any kind of rational conversation about it. You live your faith in absolutes and claim a Christ like existence so far from who the Savior was/is that I have no hope to ever have you try and understand my point of view. It would be pointless.
That was the major fault of our marriage, I spent 25 years hoping you would learn to hear and understand and now I realize that you are incapable of it. Understanding that helps me to know that ending the marriage was the right thing to do. Some people are never meant to be married. We are a perfect example of that.You see, marriage isn't about control, its about love. You truly believed that by controlling me, controlling your children you were in fact loving us and yet, we see it very differently.
I have NO regrets over these past few years. I wish I could have some do overs but human nature is to fail sometimes. When we do, and if we pick ourselves up we are living .That is what this blog was about. Living and what to do to pick yourself up.
In the space of just a few weeks these words were used against me more than once. The irony is that in all the cases it was members of the church that used them. As I listened to conference this past weekend (I still do that) I heard over and over again the admonition to be nice, kind, tolerant. To reach out without judgement and to be like the Savior and found the irony of those words as I reflected on my past few years and the interactions I have had with the very members of the church those words were for.
I have moved on from here. I still write to my hearts content and release the words meant o be written if not for others at least for me, for my own solace. This blog is closing, this is the final post. My children have asked that I not shared openly their lives with their father who is reading this. At least not until he can understand what it is he did that caused such pain.
I guess my only admonition would be; when we understand what it is we are doing that causes the hurt, as much as it hurts to admit it, saying sorry and actually meaning it without excusing it through religion or whatever vehicle we chose, we can heal, we can grow and we can then earn back the respect we lost when we forgot to parent our children instead of being so angry at each other.
Forgive me for all the wrong I caused you and yes, as passively aggressive as this may sound, I forgive you.
God bless you M on your fight with your health. I hope only the best for you.
Goodbye all.
Each child has a paradym of the past, much like I do, even M. The most important thing is to validate those paradigms and apologize where your behavior hurt people. That is the most essential part of these past 6 years. Saying sorry has been the most liberating evolution for me. Just this last week, BBG #1 asked me to stop apologizing. All I could say was I can't. I choose M, I chose that life, they were born into it. NO CHOICE there, and because they had no choice they suffered at the hands of my choice and for that, the apology will never ever end; ever.
Here is what I am on about.
Closing the chapter.
This week, these words, this blog was attacked again. It's funny how those who really know this journey, know my heart, see these words as inspiring, moving, quite gentle compared to what could be said and yet those, driven my a religious fear see them as an assault and mean spirited. "You can't please them all" as granny used to say and as I reflect I stand behind all that has been written. I do this because right from the start, the very first post, I left a disclaimer that said, this is MY JOURNEY. If you don't like it, no worries because I didn't write the words to please you or any other person. They were written as a journalistic journey of recovery from ABUSE. They were written for me, for my children. PERIOD.
Now to M, yes you, MARK.
For so long I have strived for indifference when it came to you. I was told that it was the opposite of love and I was willing to do whatever I could to not be in love with you.
I would argue now that isn't my goal anymore. You so rarely come up in conversation and when you do, it is mostly not a great conversation. Your actions over these last 8 years have proven over and over again that the decision to walk away was the right one. You continue to hurt the children and yet you continue to prove you haven't the social awareness to understand why. I thought you insensitivity and heartlessness was just a result of a cruel, religiously zealous attitude and yet now, I see you as broken, like the rest of us, just broken.
Your kids will always love you. That is ingrained into them, it's human nature. Respect on the other hand is earned and can easily be lost.
You think I have left the church to keep the kids happy and that I am less a parent for doing so and yet, if you have read this blog as you claim then the only way you could have ever come up with that is that you haven't comprehended a single word that has been written. My leaving the church, if blame can be laid at any one's feet would lay squarely on yours. Summed up: Spiritual Abuse.
Notice I used the word IF. I don't blame my departure on anyone. It is a CHOICE. One, by the way, I am very comfortable with. Having any kind of conversation with you on the fact is pointless because you judge too harshly and far too quickly to have any kind of rational conversation about it. You live your faith in absolutes and claim a Christ like existence so far from who the Savior was/is that I have no hope to ever have you try and understand my point of view. It would be pointless.
That was the major fault of our marriage, I spent 25 years hoping you would learn to hear and understand and now I realize that you are incapable of it. Understanding that helps me to know that ending the marriage was the right thing to do. Some people are never meant to be married. We are a perfect example of that.You see, marriage isn't about control, its about love. You truly believed that by controlling me, controlling your children you were in fact loving us and yet, we see it very differently.
I have NO regrets over these past few years. I wish I could have some do overs but human nature is to fail sometimes. When we do, and if we pick ourselves up we are living .That is what this blog was about. Living and what to do to pick yourself up.
In the space of just a few weeks these words were used against me more than once. The irony is that in all the cases it was members of the church that used them. As I listened to conference this past weekend (I still do that) I heard over and over again the admonition to be nice, kind, tolerant. To reach out without judgement and to be like the Savior and found the irony of those words as I reflected on my past few years and the interactions I have had with the very members of the church those words were for.
I have moved on from here. I still write to my hearts content and release the words meant o be written if not for others at least for me, for my own solace. This blog is closing, this is the final post. My children have asked that I not shared openly their lives with their father who is reading this. At least not until he can understand what it is he did that caused such pain.
I guess my only admonition would be; when we understand what it is we are doing that causes the hurt, as much as it hurts to admit it, saying sorry and actually meaning it without excusing it through religion or whatever vehicle we chose, we can heal, we can grow and we can then earn back the respect we lost when we forgot to parent our children instead of being so angry at each other.
Forgive me for all the wrong I caused you and yes, as passively aggressive as this may sound, I forgive you.
God bless you M on your fight with your health. I hope only the best for you.
“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
For me, I have changed for the better. I would go through it all again, these past 6 years, if it meant the learning would be the same. Sometimes, we go through the gauntlet to become strong. I am stronger.Goodbye all.
