Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” ~ Lawrence Douglas Wilder
Well, since I am addressing my many faults and weaknesses I thought I would address one that for the most part nearly destroyed me. Maybe by doing this I can purge this part of my past and let it go.
Growing up as next to (by only 12 minutes) the youngest of a family of 5 kids you learn coping mechanisms early on. For me, I got teased a lot, my brothers and sister weren’t that fond of me back then and some might even say now. I handled such teasing with a sincere and consorted lack of grace. I was a tomboy and would, at times, take matters into my own hands.
I had a bit of a fiery temper to match my reddish hair and could have swooned the likes of any adult and insight the very wrath of all my brothers and sister and smile the whole time. My favorite thing would have been to slam the door and I managed a wonderful technique at doing just that. It was priceless.
Hard times brought about harder measures. I had a temper issue and with the coupling of a destructive marriage and the feelings of not being heard, it was like adding fuel to the fire. I became my own worst enemy and adding nothing to the resolving of any dysfunctional issues.
I don’t think I have ever denied this side of me, I remember in the beginning of marriage counseling, this came up fairly quickly and as I met with Brother Z he helped me to see just how ineffectual this was in solving anything. He gave it a unique and binding perspective that has stuck with me even to today. “Speak to others as you would the Savior”. I still forget but I can’t even begin to tell you just how much have changed in my life as I have sought first to look within and compose myself before speaking when my emotions are running high. It helps, as well, to be much more emotionally sound as I am now in the dealing of this.
I still get angry but it’s much rarer than it used to be. So much so that it catches people of guard if I raise my voice. I find myself sometimes, holding it in and imploding later with an outburst of tears and doubts when I am alone but the processing time is quicker and the healing faster. I learned valuable lessons of life through therapy that I hold very dear to my heart and soul now and practice does make perfect in these regards.
When someone responds to me in anger, my first reaction is still to be hurt. I spent many a years being spoken to and treated with disdain coupled with anger and indifference. It nearly broke me but I am grateful because the adage, “that which doesn’t break you makes you stronger” applies.
I had a great lesson this week on anger and its ramifications. I was shocked at how I handled it and found that I really am changing. I have gone through all of the old emotions and all of the old insecurities but what I have learned most of all is to reflect inward much faster. Whether my actions warranted the response I received is inconsequential right now, I have, I think, lost a friend which hurts deeply but I can’t own her anger nor can I take responsibility either. My response was appropriate, being hurt is conceivable but retaliation is not. At this point, I simple need to think about what it is that has caused her reaction to be so severe and to recall if it was warranted by mine or her actions.
Clearly I hurt her, was it intentional or as a result of spite or selfishness? No, but I understand where her anger came from and for that I am sorry.
Sitting on the bottom rung of the cultural ladder means that whatever my point of view is, it is entirely irrelevant and therefore forgotten. My character has taken such a beating in these last 5 – 6 years and I am not sure it can withstand a further one. A wise person reminded me I have been through worse which is so true. I even survived it for the better but having this become a tense issue may be more than I can bare. The obvious result would be to retreat.
My first reaction when the incident happened was to NEVER return to church but that won’t be the case. I am going to time out, rebuild and then return and hopefully, anger will have receded to a strong dislike and we can co exist. I know I have lost a friend, I get that. I just can’t own the outburst that wasn’t mine to start with.
I am not perfect – I never have ever thought I was but I have promised myself to live as peaceful a life as possible in spite of the conditions under which I have no control. Trust me when I say, I still get mad, I still get angry but I internalize much of it and process as sensibly as I can what I need to do to make things right.
How do I know I have changed? Just in the ways things have played out this week. I would have been buried so deep in sorrow and hurt that I wouldn’t have come out of bed for weeks. Instead it was only less than a day and I get it. I get my role in it and I get what it is that I need to do to make it right for myself. Owning my part is all that I need to know because it is the only part that I can change.
There is where I cop up to my past yet again. For those I have harmed for my angry outbursts and lack of control of my temper I am sorry. If it were possible I would take all the anger and hurt back. Since that is impossible, I will promise that I will work on the future and hold my temper and my hurts so that I can exist emotionally strong with all those around me. This is my hope.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Testimony - My Talk.
During this time of year, the evaluations processes begin for all publicly traded Oil and Gas companies. This is a long, drawn out process that involves a third party evaluator and all publicly traded oil and gas companies. Back and forth and back and forth is the dialogue as each party represents the interests most important to themselves as they try and determine what it is that is a virtually unseen commodity; the hydrocarbon reserves of that company. The only determining factors are a series of tests which are then scrutinized and manipulated by a number of varying factors. My job, is to act as the liaison for my company.
I have seen battles fought over the unseen reserves as it is only in my company’s best interest to have as many reserves assigned as possible. This makes the stocks go up, this makes the shareholders very happy. The third party evaluators job is to make sure nothing is over evaluated, that nothing unforeseen, nothing is too manipulated that would result in those commodities being over evaluated and cause issues further on with the Canadian Securities Commission.
What fascinates me the most within this process is that a simple decimal point movement can change a well’s production from 10 to 30 years and all of the calculations are based on what is virtually unseen. Our Engineers have calculated a wells reserves from past performance; drill stem and production tests and predicted or proven production and for new wells, which is where my primary focus is, in what can only be considered as best case scenarios.
How much of our life’s are judged by what is unseen? How much of what we know can only be found within our hearts because proof is something much more difficult to arrive at.
In the past few years I have been on one of the most difficult and challenging journeys of my life and for the most part, one that I hope will never be played out again. When our lives are shaken to the very core, some of us can find ourselves somewhat weakened, as I did, and we must re-establish within ourselves what we know to be true.
What is a testimony? In researching the topic, LDS org is quite specific:
A testimony is a spiritual witness given by the Holy Ghost. The foundation of a testimony is the knowledge that Heavenly Father lives and loves His children; that Jesus Christ lives, that He is the Son of God, and that He carried out the infinite Atonement; that Joseph Smith is the prophet of God who was called to restore the gospel; that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Savior's true Church on the earth; and that the Church is led by a living prophet today. With this foundation, a testimony grows to include all principles of the gospel.
In reading this, I understood why my testimony had been challenged. I was missing the very fundamental truths for myself that would have given it roots. I didn’t have a keen knowledge my own place as a daughter of my Father in Heaven. I can now say I do and for that I am so very grateful.
In an article written by John Cormack, a past general authority, he writes of the principals of a sound testimony. He believes it requires three very distinct components.
The first; That one must be:
Rooted in Christ –
I Quote; “our testimonies will be in good ground if they are rooted in Christ. Christ is the source of our greatest strength and comfort in times of stress or doubt.”
In this October’s General conference, President Uchtdorf summarized this concept very well when he said;
“ our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. We are His spirit children. He is our Father. He desires our happiness. As we seek Him, as we learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, as we open our hearts to the influence of the Holy Spirit, our lives become more stable and secure. We experience greater peace, joy, and fulfillment as we give our best to live according to God’s eternal plan and keep His commandments.” End Quote
It is simple, know our Savior, understand his role in our exhalation and renew our covenants in remembrance of his sacrifice so that we will have a stronghold in the footings of our testimonies.
In rooting our children Sister Rosemary Wixom, the Primary General President – said “No child needs to walk the path alone so long as we speak freely to our children of the plan of salvation. Understanding the plan will help them hold to the truths that they are children of God and He has a plan for them, that they lived with Him in the premortal existence, which they shouted for joy to come to this earth, and that through the Savior’s help, we all can return to our Heavenly Father’s presence. If they understand the plan and who they are, they will not fear.”
Having our children Know without a doubt of the divinity and their place within the plan of salvation will go far in the building of a strong and unbendable faith.
Further to this, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf also has said, “The Holy Scriptures and the spoken word of the living prophets give emphasis to the fundamental principles and doctrines of the gospel. The reason we return to these foundational principles, to the pure doctrines, is because they are the gateway to truths of profound meaning. They are the door to experiences of sublime importance that would otherwise be beyond our capacity to comprehend. These simple, basic principles are the key to living in harmony with God and man. They are the keys to opening the windows of heaven. They lead us to the peace, joy, and understanding that Heavenly Father has promised to His children who hear and obey Him.” END QUOTE
I have a profound faith in the fundamentals of the gospel. It was when I reached back and reminded myself of all the great lessons of my youth from primary, Sunday school and Young Women’s that I was able to focus again on the important things of the gospel and rebuild a stronger and more secure foundation of faith.
Dr. Marcus Bach –once said; “We catch on to the truth and technique of expectation in those rare moments when we are stirred by an awareness of a guidance seemingly higher and greater than our own, when for a little while we are taken over by a force and an intelligence above and beyond those commonly felt. Confident and free, filled with wonder and ready acceptance, we permit ourselves to be taken over by our unquestioning self.”
Truth is universal; it was embedded in our beings in the pre-existence. When we come upon it in this realm, it is familiar; it is what seems was always a part of us, it rings true because somehow, we’ve heard it before.
The second principle of a Sound testimony is;
Desire –
Faith begins by a desire to know if the gospel is true. To desire is to want or long for something. It is a strong wish. When we desire to gain a testimony, desire to know, desire to believe, testimony can begin and will start to grow.
Quoting John Carmack again; “Alma also explained that one must start on the road to a testimony by having a desire, or as he stated, you must “awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, … even if ye can no more than desire to believe.” (Alma 32:27; italics added.)
Desire begets faith and testimony. Testimony isn’t achieved by logic and study. For example, we can list hundreds of evidences that the Book of Mormon and the New Testament are true, but the skeptic can probably match us point by point. Without desire, the skeptic is “ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”
I don’t believe it was ever intended that the gospel be proven true by physical or that documentary evidence would ever be acceptable to all. It is in this life that a believer must come to their own witness by faith, not by logic and proof alone but by an unspeakable faith that will bring peace to the soul. The starting point is desire.
With an earnest desire can and will come doubts; we all have them, some more than others, I probably being one more apt to doubts, but none the less they are real.
Howard W. Hunter once said when addressing this very issue;
"I have sympathy for young men and young women when honest doubts enter their minds and they engage in the great conflict of resolving doubts. These doubts can be resolved, if they have an honest desire to know the truth, by exercising moral, spiritual, and mental effort. They will emerge from the conflict into a firmer, stronger, larger faith because of the struggle. They have gone from a simple, trusting faith, through doubt and conflict, into a solid substantial faith which ripens into testimony.” End Quote
It is my experience that irrevocably knows, these doubts can even affect older generations, members who have even taken out covenants. I found that personally, as I faced these and with a genuine and prayerful desire to reestablish the truths I once held so firm on I was able to overcome the doubts and find my testimony again.
The third component of a solid testimony is based on;
The Gospel Experiment –
Quoting John Carmack again;
“A spiritual experiment similar to scientific procedures is the way one gains conviction about gospel principles and is an essential ingredient in achieving the rich soil in which the seed of testimony may grow.”
Jesus explained, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” (John 7:17.)
In other words, as you try it you can know it is true. This requires the faith to try, but it yields spiritual evidence. To the member who tries the experiment what will result are a conviction; knowledge and a light that will give strength to your testimony.
And as D&C 50:24 gives wisdom to; as a member continues, he receives “more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”
So when I declare that I know this gospel is true, that Christ lives, and that Thomas B Monson is God’s prophet, I am saying, in effect, that doing and serving have brought me the conviction that this work is true.
Further wisdom comes from the words of
Robert D. Hales – Oct Conference; -
“But think of it: in our premortal state we chose to follow the Savior Jesus Christ! And because we did, we were allowed to come to earth. I testify that by making the same choice to follow the Savior now, while we are here on earth, we will obtain an even greater blessing in the eternities. But let it be known: we must continue to choose to follow the Savior. Eternity is at stake, and our wise use of agency and our actions are essential that we might have eternal life.” End Quote
It is when we dedicate ourselves to our desire to always know, always strive to be AT ONE with the Savior and HIS plan for us that we can fortify ourselves against doubt. Satan’s plan is that he wishes to confuse us and now, he has more tools then ever to call into question our own beliefs, our own covenants, our own commitment to truth.
Bishop Richard C. Edgley in speaking of today’s challenges said; “Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism. END QUOTE
I would not be doing any favors in speaking of the struggle I have gone through without speaking of the dangers that can result in the loss of faith.
Bishop Edgley spoke of Alma’s formula when he admonished us to always choose faith;
His words again;
· If confusion and hopelessness weigh on your mind, choose to “awake and arouse your faculties” (Alma 32:27). Humbly approaching the Lord with a broken heart and contrite spirit is the pathway to truth and the Lord’s way of light, knowledge, and peace.
· If your testimony is immature, untested, and insecure, choose to “exercise [even] a particle of faith”; choose to “experiment upon [His] words” (Alma 32:27). The Savior explained, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself” (John 7:17).
· When logic, reason, or personal intellect come into conflict with sacred teachings and doctrine, or conflicting messages assault your beliefs as the fiery darts described by the Apostle Paul (see Ephesians 6:16), choose to not cast the seed out of your heart by unbelief. Remember, we receive not a witness until after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6).
· If your faith is proven and mature, choose to nurture it “with great care” (Alma 32:37). As strong as our faith is, with all the mixed messages attacking it, it can also become very fragile. It needs constant nourishment through continued scripture study, prayer, and the application of His word.
In closing; Elder Richard G. Scott spoke in conference as well about how strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life. Such choices are made with trust in things that are believed and when acted upon are confirmed.
Some of the empowering principles upon which faith is based are;
· Trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance.
· Obedience to His commandments and a life that demonstrates that He can trust you.
· Sensitivity to the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit.
· Courageous implementation of that prompting.
· Patience and understanding when God lets you struggle to grow and when answers come a piece at a time over an extended period of time.
In the words of Robert Browning –
“Truth lies within ourselves: it takes no rise from outward things, whatever you may believe. There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness and to Know rather consists in opening out a way whence the imprisoned splendor may escape than in effecting entry for light supposed to be without.”
The scripture I was assigned for today’s talk is; Alma 30: 44
But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of aall these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the bearth, and call things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its dmotion, yea, and also all the eplanets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.
I conclude with my own testimony, one that I can now say has borne the test of turmoil and hopelessness. I know my place in my Father’s kingdom and I know where HIS truth resides. I am forever grateful for my membership and for all that being Mormon has brought me, both the good and the bad.
I have a few favourite authors, one I admire greatly; Maya Angelo penned a poem about faith and Christianity. I use it now, using her words to express my faith.
When I say I am a Christian," by Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
I have seen battles fought over the unseen reserves as it is only in my company’s best interest to have as many reserves assigned as possible. This makes the stocks go up, this makes the shareholders very happy. The third party evaluators job is to make sure nothing is over evaluated, that nothing unforeseen, nothing is too manipulated that would result in those commodities being over evaluated and cause issues further on with the Canadian Securities Commission.
What fascinates me the most within this process is that a simple decimal point movement can change a well’s production from 10 to 30 years and all of the calculations are based on what is virtually unseen. Our Engineers have calculated a wells reserves from past performance; drill stem and production tests and predicted or proven production and for new wells, which is where my primary focus is, in what can only be considered as best case scenarios.
How much of our life’s are judged by what is unseen? How much of what we know can only be found within our hearts because proof is something much more difficult to arrive at.
In the past few years I have been on one of the most difficult and challenging journeys of my life and for the most part, one that I hope will never be played out again. When our lives are shaken to the very core, some of us can find ourselves somewhat weakened, as I did, and we must re-establish within ourselves what we know to be true.
What is a testimony? In researching the topic, LDS org is quite specific:
A testimony is a spiritual witness given by the Holy Ghost. The foundation of a testimony is the knowledge that Heavenly Father lives and loves His children; that Jesus Christ lives, that He is the Son of God, and that He carried out the infinite Atonement; that Joseph Smith is the prophet of God who was called to restore the gospel; that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Savior's true Church on the earth; and that the Church is led by a living prophet today. With this foundation, a testimony grows to include all principles of the gospel.
In reading this, I understood why my testimony had been challenged. I was missing the very fundamental truths for myself that would have given it roots. I didn’t have a keen knowledge my own place as a daughter of my Father in Heaven. I can now say I do and for that I am so very grateful.
In an article written by John Cormack, a past general authority, he writes of the principals of a sound testimony. He believes it requires three very distinct components.
The first; That one must be:
Rooted in Christ –
I Quote; “our testimonies will be in good ground if they are rooted in Christ. Christ is the source of our greatest strength and comfort in times of stress or doubt.”
In this October’s General conference, President Uchtdorf summarized this concept very well when he said;
“ our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. We are His spirit children. He is our Father. He desires our happiness. As we seek Him, as we learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, as we open our hearts to the influence of the Holy Spirit, our lives become more stable and secure. We experience greater peace, joy, and fulfillment as we give our best to live according to God’s eternal plan and keep His commandments.” End Quote
It is simple, know our Savior, understand his role in our exhalation and renew our covenants in remembrance of his sacrifice so that we will have a stronghold in the footings of our testimonies.
In rooting our children Sister Rosemary Wixom, the Primary General President – said “No child needs to walk the path alone so long as we speak freely to our children of the plan of salvation. Understanding the plan will help them hold to the truths that they are children of God and He has a plan for them, that they lived with Him in the premortal existence, which they shouted for joy to come to this earth, and that through the Savior’s help, we all can return to our Heavenly Father’s presence. If they understand the plan and who they are, they will not fear.”
Having our children Know without a doubt of the divinity and their place within the plan of salvation will go far in the building of a strong and unbendable faith.
Further to this, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf also has said, “The Holy Scriptures and the spoken word of the living prophets give emphasis to the fundamental principles and doctrines of the gospel. The reason we return to these foundational principles, to the pure doctrines, is because they are the gateway to truths of profound meaning. They are the door to experiences of sublime importance that would otherwise be beyond our capacity to comprehend. These simple, basic principles are the key to living in harmony with God and man. They are the keys to opening the windows of heaven. They lead us to the peace, joy, and understanding that Heavenly Father has promised to His children who hear and obey Him.” END QUOTE
I have a profound faith in the fundamentals of the gospel. It was when I reached back and reminded myself of all the great lessons of my youth from primary, Sunday school and Young Women’s that I was able to focus again on the important things of the gospel and rebuild a stronger and more secure foundation of faith.
Dr. Marcus Bach –once said; “We catch on to the truth and technique of expectation in those rare moments when we are stirred by an awareness of a guidance seemingly higher and greater than our own, when for a little while we are taken over by a force and an intelligence above and beyond those commonly felt. Confident and free, filled with wonder and ready acceptance, we permit ourselves to be taken over by our unquestioning self.”
Truth is universal; it was embedded in our beings in the pre-existence. When we come upon it in this realm, it is familiar; it is what seems was always a part of us, it rings true because somehow, we’ve heard it before.
The second principle of a Sound testimony is;
Desire –
Faith begins by a desire to know if the gospel is true. To desire is to want or long for something. It is a strong wish. When we desire to gain a testimony, desire to know, desire to believe, testimony can begin and will start to grow.
Quoting John Carmack again; “Alma also explained that one must start on the road to a testimony by having a desire, or as he stated, you must “awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, … even if ye can no more than desire to believe.” (Alma 32:27; italics added.)
Desire begets faith and testimony. Testimony isn’t achieved by logic and study. For example, we can list hundreds of evidences that the Book of Mormon and the New Testament are true, but the skeptic can probably match us point by point. Without desire, the skeptic is “ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”
I don’t believe it was ever intended that the gospel be proven true by physical or that documentary evidence would ever be acceptable to all. It is in this life that a believer must come to their own witness by faith, not by logic and proof alone but by an unspeakable faith that will bring peace to the soul. The starting point is desire.
With an earnest desire can and will come doubts; we all have them, some more than others, I probably being one more apt to doubts, but none the less they are real.
Howard W. Hunter once said when addressing this very issue;
"I have sympathy for young men and young women when honest doubts enter their minds and they engage in the great conflict of resolving doubts. These doubts can be resolved, if they have an honest desire to know the truth, by exercising moral, spiritual, and mental effort. They will emerge from the conflict into a firmer, stronger, larger faith because of the struggle. They have gone from a simple, trusting faith, through doubt and conflict, into a solid substantial faith which ripens into testimony.” End Quote
It is my experience that irrevocably knows, these doubts can even affect older generations, members who have even taken out covenants. I found that personally, as I faced these and with a genuine and prayerful desire to reestablish the truths I once held so firm on I was able to overcome the doubts and find my testimony again.
The third component of a solid testimony is based on;
The Gospel Experiment –
Quoting John Carmack again;
“A spiritual experiment similar to scientific procedures is the way one gains conviction about gospel principles and is an essential ingredient in achieving the rich soil in which the seed of testimony may grow.”
Jesus explained, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” (John 7:17.)
In other words, as you try it you can know it is true. This requires the faith to try, but it yields spiritual evidence. To the member who tries the experiment what will result are a conviction; knowledge and a light that will give strength to your testimony.
And as D&C 50:24 gives wisdom to; as a member continues, he receives “more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”
So when I declare that I know this gospel is true, that Christ lives, and that Thomas B Monson is God’s prophet, I am saying, in effect, that doing and serving have brought me the conviction that this work is true.
Further wisdom comes from the words of
Robert D. Hales – Oct Conference; -
“But think of it: in our premortal state we chose to follow the Savior Jesus Christ! And because we did, we were allowed to come to earth. I testify that by making the same choice to follow the Savior now, while we are here on earth, we will obtain an even greater blessing in the eternities. But let it be known: we must continue to choose to follow the Savior. Eternity is at stake, and our wise use of agency and our actions are essential that we might have eternal life.” End Quote
It is when we dedicate ourselves to our desire to always know, always strive to be AT ONE with the Savior and HIS plan for us that we can fortify ourselves against doubt. Satan’s plan is that he wishes to confuse us and now, he has more tools then ever to call into question our own beliefs, our own covenants, our own commitment to truth.
Bishop Richard C. Edgley in speaking of today’s challenges said; “Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism. END QUOTE
I would not be doing any favors in speaking of the struggle I have gone through without speaking of the dangers that can result in the loss of faith.
Bishop Edgley spoke of Alma’s formula when he admonished us to always choose faith;
His words again;
· If confusion and hopelessness weigh on your mind, choose to “awake and arouse your faculties” (Alma 32:27). Humbly approaching the Lord with a broken heart and contrite spirit is the pathway to truth and the Lord’s way of light, knowledge, and peace.
· If your testimony is immature, untested, and insecure, choose to “exercise [even] a particle of faith”; choose to “experiment upon [His] words” (Alma 32:27). The Savior explained, “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself” (John 7:17).
· When logic, reason, or personal intellect come into conflict with sacred teachings and doctrine, or conflicting messages assault your beliefs as the fiery darts described by the Apostle Paul (see Ephesians 6:16), choose to not cast the seed out of your heart by unbelief. Remember, we receive not a witness until after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6).
· If your faith is proven and mature, choose to nurture it “with great care” (Alma 32:37). As strong as our faith is, with all the mixed messages attacking it, it can also become very fragile. It needs constant nourishment through continued scripture study, prayer, and the application of His word.
In closing; Elder Richard G. Scott spoke in conference as well about how strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life. Such choices are made with trust in things that are believed and when acted upon are confirmed.
Some of the empowering principles upon which faith is based are;
· Trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance.
· Obedience to His commandments and a life that demonstrates that He can trust you.
· Sensitivity to the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit.
· Courageous implementation of that prompting.
· Patience and understanding when God lets you struggle to grow and when answers come a piece at a time over an extended period of time.
In the words of Robert Browning –
“Truth lies within ourselves: it takes no rise from outward things, whatever you may believe. There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness and to Know rather consists in opening out a way whence the imprisoned splendor may escape than in effecting entry for light supposed to be without.”
The scripture I was assigned for today’s talk is; Alma 30: 44
But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of aall these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the bearth, and call things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its dmotion, yea, and also all the eplanets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.
I conclude with my own testimony, one that I can now say has borne the test of turmoil and hopelessness. I know my place in my Father’s kingdom and I know where HIS truth resides. I am forever grateful for my membership and for all that being Mormon has brought me, both the good and the bad.
I have a few favourite authors, one I admire greatly; Maya Angelo penned a poem about faith and Christianity. I use it now, using her words to express my faith.
When I say I am a Christian," by Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Friday, October 22, 2010
Hiding in Plain Sight
“I became startled by the extraordinary difference between something whose surface is completely invisible which only makes itself present by virtue of what it reflects, and a window, which doesn't make itself apparent at all, in the ideal case.” ~Jonathan Miller
Coughing up my weaknesses isn’t something I enjoy. I have plenty, as I am sure my family can attest to, but for me, I am on a never-ending journey of rising above my own doubts. Paralyzing, self deprecating doubts that with just a bit of an accelerant can have me crashing down to emotional exhaustion and a fear of; “oh no, here we go again”.
My internal demons don’t need help in finding ways to cripple my emotional health; I am weak, weakened from years of proverbially “not measuring up” and from believing it, over and over again.
I have, lately, found strength in myself which I never knew I had and with that I have exercised that strength like a new born learning to walk. I am unsteady and unsure and have had some major spills but I trust my heart and my faith to know that with each screw up I will draw closer to a lesson learned and a reason to move forward. Moving forward seems to be the point now. I spent a lot of time being stagnant. It was like hiding in plain sight.
I thought about that today; “hiding in plain sight”. All those years I was vacant and lost in my own head. All those wasted moments and failed opportunities because I couldn’t find the strength in myself to do anything. I am anguished at my own weakness and the consequences it had on the loved ones around me.
You know, I refer to that time as caving. It’s like I hibernated and withdrew to find someway to get out, to recover, and to move forward. They say when you hit bottom that you only have the way up to go. I know this to be true.
So what am I on about?
I will be saying sorry for the rest of my life for this failure. I know that and own it. I am unafraid of the consequences of sharing it as well. Weakness, when exposed, can give advantage to the enemy but I am so far past that now. If someone wants to call me out or bring me down they will find a way whether it is truth or not. This is a sad irony I have learned over and over again in these last few years. Each time I have attended the temple and my ex step mother in law is there I can feel the pangs of disturbed vengeance come after me. How I wish I could have the peace of the Temple back, I wish with all my heart that what was once a place of respite and growth could become so again. It never fails though, that when I do go, I hear from this person or that, that she has gone on again and again about how I have wronged their family, wronged her and did they know just how happy my ex is. What’s so ironic, so disheartening, is that is all I have ever wished him, all I have ever wanted is his happiness. It was clear I was never going to measure up or give it to him, I am glad he has found someone who does, he is happy now, I AM HAPPY NOW, let it go, please, just let it go.
I wish I could just make peace come, make closure happen and resolve it all just by wishing it so. It doesn’t happen that way; it will never be that easy. At this moment, I am lost without K1 but I have no idea how to make it right with her. I feel as if I will never be good enough and because of that I am hiding in plain sight, not figuring out a way to make it right. I am failing her right now at this very moment.
When the disappointment you have leveled is so deep and so intense, how do you make it right? I tried in all the wrong ways and made matters worse and I have no voice of any strength that can say how I feel or what I think. How does one do penances when there is no end in sight? When you are such an embarrassment to your kids, how do you overcome that and find someway of just loving them in spite of the feeling that all you ever do is disappoint them, embarrass them, and hurt them? I’m lost without K1 but I am leaning to caving while I keep doing the wrong thing while I am at a loss as to how to make it right. I don’t know what to do, I am floundering.
What is right in my life is how I feel in W’s arms. When I am so exhausted at the end of the day both mentally and emotionally I don’t even have to say a word, he’s there. He hears my sorrows and my wishes and just wants to be the catalyst for happiness. The other day, he came to me with a single rose and this boyish grin. Something was up and when I walked up the stairs on the table was the largest bouquet of beautiful flowers. Every month I get flowers and every month he’s showing his great care for me. I am so lucky to have him in my life.
Last night was a hard night, I tried to socialize and I always seem to fail now when it comes to the Momo’s. I came home and just sat by myself. I tried to read and it hurt, I tried to num my mind with TV and though it worked the internal reasoning came to me that doing this wasn’t helping the matter. I pray and most times I ask myself “for what”? For people to accept me, for my children to understand, to feel like I am not being ostracized for having the courage to walk away before more damage was done? Everything I ask for is nothing that I have any control over. I know enough now that I alone am master of my emotions; I am the soothsayer of my journey. I have to let it go, all of it or else it will consume me again and I will be lost in plain sight.
This is when I turn inward and search out exactly what it is I am grateful for, because it is in gratitude that I chase away the demons. I find as I concentrate my gratitude in my prayers I can draw closer in the times I feel most lost.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Facing My Failures
“Depression is the inability to construct a future” ~ Rollo May
I knew there would come a time when addressing this would be essential. I know that shedding light on this may or may not change your opinion of me but it’s time, it’s just time to open up about a period in my life that with all my heart I wish wasn’t a part of my history.
Here goes.
My past has skeletons, huge skeletons. Some I wish I could just forget but these issues affected others irrevocably so for that, I have to always recognize there existence and address them when they come up. My children have forgiven; some in part and some in whole but because of my failure I have been a catalyst to their pain and for that, I am forever sorry and forever appreciative of their graces.
For a number of years, plus 15 at least, I suffered from varying levels of depression. As a consequence my support and parenting of my beautiful children lacked and because of it they suffered.
As I look at it now, the picture is so much clearer and the future has become so much brighter but back then, the outlook was beyond dreary.
I am better for so many reasons. With the help of amazing professionals, Dr. Z from LDS family services, Dr. W and many inspired Bishops; Bishop L, H, and Bishop T. All worked together to help me find the hope not just to move on but to also endure.
Why, you wonder, am I addressing this now? Because it is time to cough up to the failures and to bring light so others may understand and to find a way out, that involves living, to find the hope that makes the journey enjoyable.
K3 has started a blog, a healing place, and as I read it this week, it brought me back to a very difficult place and though she and I have passed through the forgiveness and come to terms with all that was wrong, there will be those times when this part of my past will rear it’s ugly head and I will relive how much I failed those I loved so much around me.
Depression is insidious and heart breaking and when one is in it, confusing. I knew early on that I needed help. I asked if I could get help; I think K1 was nearly 5 or 6 the first time. I begged M to let me see someone. His answer was always the same, NO. He felt strongly that if I sought help from LDS Social Services that it would result in his being bypassed for church leadership. He demanded I use him and his priesthood, (not by laying on of hands – he simply didn’t do that, I wasn‘t worthy of it) but that his priesthood could help me. All I needed to do was FOLLOW his Priesthood and then there wouldn’t be any issues.
I was caught in the greatest of ironies. His narcissism and abuse was no doubt a catalyst for the depression I was in but he felt he was the only way I could be cured of it. I was helpless to find relief and now, as I look at it, why couldn’t I have just found the strength to just go and get the help? Why did I not recognize the suffering of my children too?
As the years passed and things progressively got worse I started to see just how destructive every part of my life was. I was compensating in every wrong way to make things right with the kids. It wasn’t until M lost his job that the full powder keg was lit.
M was home full time and he was on a rampage. It was our unrighteousness that was leaving him unemployed. He became hyper involved in every aspect of the kids lives and my life and I started to withdraw, on every level. I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression that was alienating my children, my family and my friends and in doing that I was leaving my children more and more vulnerable. I failed them and I was failing myself as well.
Then came the Sunday when my failure reached one of its lowest point. I ache as I write this, it still pains me to know of just how much I wasn’t there for K3, for any of them for that matter. I was working two jobs at the time. I only came out of the room to go to work and the house was a mess. M was home all day but he had begun to pray in Fish Creek for 6 -8 hours a day. On this Sunday he was up in arms about the laundry and had rounded up K3 to address his frustration. I use the word lightly, he was in a rage. I heard him yelling and screaming and I heard K3 defending herself but I was so low I could barely raise my head from the pillow. Then I heard a sound that to this day rattles me to my inner soul.
M had lost it and pushed K3 so violently to the floor to force her to pick up her laundry that as he did, her upper bone in her arm snapped in half. I had heard the bone snap. I instinctively jumped to my feet and ran the 20 feet to her. Her screams of anguish were indication enough of the pain she was in. I put her in my arms and ran to the car. I didn’t even need to guess her arm was broken; it was, I knew it was and I all I could think was how I had failed her. I should have protected her and I didn’t.
Now you would think that this would be enough for me to learn. That this lesson alone would have been enough to scare me into change.
Nope, still more failure to come.
As I started to drive K3 to the hospital I immediately recognized that with every turn I made her arm was shifting and the break was getting worse. I couldn’t go back and get help, M would have been no help. I headed straight to where I knew both K3 and I could find solace, where I could get the help I needed to go to the hospital. I drove straight to Mom’s and ran into the house, in heaves of tears I told her I needed her help. She didn’t even question, at that time, I doubt she had seen or heard from me in weeks, I had shut her out of my hopelessness. She put on her coat and came directly to the car where she took K3 into her arms and braced her broken bone. Mom enveloped her the the safety I had failed to give her.
K3 was heaving in pain and going into shock. Mom asked what happened and I just muttered the truth. She was furious but had the sensitivity to know that K3 was traumatized and I, very fragile. We arrived at the Children’s Hospital and they took her in immediately. The nurses knew me as D was in the middle of his Kohler’s Disease and was often brought through emergency to get his casts on. They laid K3 down and started an IV for pain relief. This is where my failures levelled to one of its lowest states.
I asked K3 to lie.
To this day I can’t say why. Our family was in chaos and M was frightening me so much with his anger. I wasn’t handling anything and I guess in my warped and twisted state I felt what I asked of her was easier than facing the wrath of M.
There is no excuse good enough or right enough to ever justify what I did. To this day I am haunted by my lack of parenting, my absolute inability to do the right thing. I failed my daughter in every way that day. I failed myself. I failed my Father in Heaven. I failed.
Mom was so lost as to how to help either me or K3. She wanted to tell the doctor and I begged her not to. She knew how bad things were at home, she knew how fragile I was and to this day, I can’t forgive myself for even asking my Mom or K3 to say nothing.
You probably think things couldn’t have gotten worse but they did. I feel deeper into a depression and the kids continued to suffer. M to this day insists his actions were appropriate and that K3 breaking her arm was a fluke. It wasn’t, we both failed our daughter that day.
Add two years and a whole lot of dysfunction running under the home’s bridge and you will find me at the moment of greatest despair. Brother Z speaking to me about truth and abuse and having me understand that not only were the kids suffering abuse at the hands of the priesthood holder in our home but that I was too. He had to have me understand my role and as he did I found the bottom of my hopeless, bottomless pit.
I had reached rock bottom.
I had been on anti depressants for some three years, gained over 80 pounds and didn’t see hope; AT ALL. I had not protected my children and I was nothing, not even in my Father in Heaven’s eyes. I had disappointed everyone. Brother Z knew that I had to find myself somewhere in this place my body had turned on to automatic. He spoke of forgiveness and he spoke of failure and as I left his office I was fully aware of all the loved ones in my life I had failed. I was overwhelmed with despair.
I drove home from my appointment and went straight to my room. M followed me and was up in arms about my still seeing the councillor still. Was I ever going to get better, was I ever going to be a righteous person, why couldn’t I just do what he says, follow his priesthood.
I went into the bathroom, fell to the floor and sobbed. M continued to bang on the door yelling his opinions and further mocking my weakness. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had failed everyone, why bother anymore. The banging stopped and I sat in my tears, sobbing and falling deeper and deeper into despair. I got up, opened the drawer and pulled out the bottle of pain killers and sleeping pills. I emptied them in my hand and sat back down against the door. I shuffled them from one hand to the other, over and over again, thinking about the failures of my life.
So many failures.
I am not sure how long I was there, I know my very soul ached with exhaustion and fear. I prayed over and over again for a reason to stay but what they don’t tell you about anti depressants is that they make you spiritually dead inside, the spirit can’t reach you, can’t guide you, can’t bring you to a sense of spiritual peace.
It was at this moment I heard a small knock and from under the crack in the door I heard a small voice.
"Mom, are you there. I love you. Please don’t go, please."
I doubt he has any idea to this day how he saved me. His voice was my reason, his voice was my hope. He needed me, they all needed me and it was time. It was just time to step up, to find a healing place and to fight. D had been through so much, the girls were going through so much, we all had been through so much. I couldn’t give up, I just couldn’t.
I got up from the floor, flushed the pills in the toilet and opened the door. I took that sweet little saviour and hugged him so hard. The next day I went to Dr. Z and begun the process of healing; of improving and of finding responsibility and hope. I may have been failing my children, myself and everyone around me but I could change that. I was going to change that.
I came off the anti depressants slowly and starting feeling hope, I started to see answers and they were in me the whole time. As a family we worked with LDS Family Services for a long time but the marriage just wasn’t salvageable. We weren’t all coming to the plate.
I have spent many years seeking the forgiveness of my children. I know that there is still very much a part of them that has pain and I know my role in it. I find myself continuing to try to make it right.
I am grateful to Bishops and to the Lord for his role in helping me find myself again and for councillors who helped in the emotional healing. It took a long time but we have surfaced and we are sailing. I still fail sometimes but I see it sooner. They might not understand but I am hoping that in time they will.
So why write about it now. Because it’s real and far too many times people hide their suffering out of fear of being judged. I am not perfect, my family isn’t perfect and each of my children deal with pain in their own way. We were all affected by the dysfunction and this incident isn’t the only thing I failed my children with. The difference now is that I have hope, I see real recovery and nothing is worth ending your life over, especially when you are a parent, a wife, a daughter, a friend.
K3 and I are at peace over this. Lots of therapy and forgiveness on her behalf has brought resolution, at least for her and I on this. I am still working with my other children and in time, I know we will find peace all around.
Once again, I am so grateful for my children and for their help as I started to lift myself up. My family, my sister, my Mom, my friends all came back when I opened the door and all were essential in my finding hope. I am forever grateful to everyone, more than I think everyone will ever know.
Final words:
“If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.”
~ Dr. R. W. Shepherd
I knew there would come a time when addressing this would be essential. I know that shedding light on this may or may not change your opinion of me but it’s time, it’s just time to open up about a period in my life that with all my heart I wish wasn’t a part of my history.
Here goes.
My past has skeletons, huge skeletons. Some I wish I could just forget but these issues affected others irrevocably so for that, I have to always recognize there existence and address them when they come up. My children have forgiven; some in part and some in whole but because of my failure I have been a catalyst to their pain and for that, I am forever sorry and forever appreciative of their graces.
For a number of years, plus 15 at least, I suffered from varying levels of depression. As a consequence my support and parenting of my beautiful children lacked and because of it they suffered.
As I look at it now, the picture is so much clearer and the future has become so much brighter but back then, the outlook was beyond dreary.
I am better for so many reasons. With the help of amazing professionals, Dr. Z from LDS family services, Dr. W and many inspired Bishops; Bishop L, H, and Bishop T. All worked together to help me find the hope not just to move on but to also endure.
Why, you wonder, am I addressing this now? Because it is time to cough up to the failures and to bring light so others may understand and to find a way out, that involves living, to find the hope that makes the journey enjoyable.
K3 has started a blog, a healing place, and as I read it this week, it brought me back to a very difficult place and though she and I have passed through the forgiveness and come to terms with all that was wrong, there will be those times when this part of my past will rear it’s ugly head and I will relive how much I failed those I loved so much around me.
Depression is insidious and heart breaking and when one is in it, confusing. I knew early on that I needed help. I asked if I could get help; I think K1 was nearly 5 or 6 the first time. I begged M to let me see someone. His answer was always the same, NO. He felt strongly that if I sought help from LDS Social Services that it would result in his being bypassed for church leadership. He demanded I use him and his priesthood, (not by laying on of hands – he simply didn’t do that, I wasn‘t worthy of it) but that his priesthood could help me. All I needed to do was FOLLOW his Priesthood and then there wouldn’t be any issues.
I was caught in the greatest of ironies. His narcissism and abuse was no doubt a catalyst for the depression I was in but he felt he was the only way I could be cured of it. I was helpless to find relief and now, as I look at it, why couldn’t I have just found the strength to just go and get the help? Why did I not recognize the suffering of my children too?
As the years passed and things progressively got worse I started to see just how destructive every part of my life was. I was compensating in every wrong way to make things right with the kids. It wasn’t until M lost his job that the full powder keg was lit.
M was home full time and he was on a rampage. It was our unrighteousness that was leaving him unemployed. He became hyper involved in every aspect of the kids lives and my life and I started to withdraw, on every level. I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression that was alienating my children, my family and my friends and in doing that I was leaving my children more and more vulnerable. I failed them and I was failing myself as well.
Then came the Sunday when my failure reached one of its lowest point. I ache as I write this, it still pains me to know of just how much I wasn’t there for K3, for any of them for that matter. I was working two jobs at the time. I only came out of the room to go to work and the house was a mess. M was home all day but he had begun to pray in Fish Creek for 6 -8 hours a day. On this Sunday he was up in arms about the laundry and had rounded up K3 to address his frustration. I use the word lightly, he was in a rage. I heard him yelling and screaming and I heard K3 defending herself but I was so low I could barely raise my head from the pillow. Then I heard a sound that to this day rattles me to my inner soul.
M had lost it and pushed K3 so violently to the floor to force her to pick up her laundry that as he did, her upper bone in her arm snapped in half. I had heard the bone snap. I instinctively jumped to my feet and ran the 20 feet to her. Her screams of anguish were indication enough of the pain she was in. I put her in my arms and ran to the car. I didn’t even need to guess her arm was broken; it was, I knew it was and I all I could think was how I had failed her. I should have protected her and I didn’t.
Now you would think that this would be enough for me to learn. That this lesson alone would have been enough to scare me into change.
Nope, still more failure to come.
As I started to drive K3 to the hospital I immediately recognized that with every turn I made her arm was shifting and the break was getting worse. I couldn’t go back and get help, M would have been no help. I headed straight to where I knew both K3 and I could find solace, where I could get the help I needed to go to the hospital. I drove straight to Mom’s and ran into the house, in heaves of tears I told her I needed her help. She didn’t even question, at that time, I doubt she had seen or heard from me in weeks, I had shut her out of my hopelessness. She put on her coat and came directly to the car where she took K3 into her arms and braced her broken bone. Mom enveloped her the the safety I had failed to give her.
K3 was heaving in pain and going into shock. Mom asked what happened and I just muttered the truth. She was furious but had the sensitivity to know that K3 was traumatized and I, very fragile. We arrived at the Children’s Hospital and they took her in immediately. The nurses knew me as D was in the middle of his Kohler’s Disease and was often brought through emergency to get his casts on. They laid K3 down and started an IV for pain relief. This is where my failures levelled to one of its lowest states.
I asked K3 to lie.
To this day I can’t say why. Our family was in chaos and M was frightening me so much with his anger. I wasn’t handling anything and I guess in my warped and twisted state I felt what I asked of her was easier than facing the wrath of M.
There is no excuse good enough or right enough to ever justify what I did. To this day I am haunted by my lack of parenting, my absolute inability to do the right thing. I failed my daughter in every way that day. I failed myself. I failed my Father in Heaven. I failed.
Mom was so lost as to how to help either me or K3. She wanted to tell the doctor and I begged her not to. She knew how bad things were at home, she knew how fragile I was and to this day, I can’t forgive myself for even asking my Mom or K3 to say nothing.
You probably think things couldn’t have gotten worse but they did. I feel deeper into a depression and the kids continued to suffer. M to this day insists his actions were appropriate and that K3 breaking her arm was a fluke. It wasn’t, we both failed our daughter that day.
Add two years and a whole lot of dysfunction running under the home’s bridge and you will find me at the moment of greatest despair. Brother Z speaking to me about truth and abuse and having me understand that not only were the kids suffering abuse at the hands of the priesthood holder in our home but that I was too. He had to have me understand my role and as he did I found the bottom of my hopeless, bottomless pit.
I had reached rock bottom.
I had been on anti depressants for some three years, gained over 80 pounds and didn’t see hope; AT ALL. I had not protected my children and I was nothing, not even in my Father in Heaven’s eyes. I had disappointed everyone. Brother Z knew that I had to find myself somewhere in this place my body had turned on to automatic. He spoke of forgiveness and he spoke of failure and as I left his office I was fully aware of all the loved ones in my life I had failed. I was overwhelmed with despair.
I drove home from my appointment and went straight to my room. M followed me and was up in arms about my still seeing the councillor still. Was I ever going to get better, was I ever going to be a righteous person, why couldn’t I just do what he says, follow his priesthood.
I went into the bathroom, fell to the floor and sobbed. M continued to bang on the door yelling his opinions and further mocking my weakness. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had failed everyone, why bother anymore. The banging stopped and I sat in my tears, sobbing and falling deeper and deeper into despair. I got up, opened the drawer and pulled out the bottle of pain killers and sleeping pills. I emptied them in my hand and sat back down against the door. I shuffled them from one hand to the other, over and over again, thinking about the failures of my life.
So many failures.
I am not sure how long I was there, I know my very soul ached with exhaustion and fear. I prayed over and over again for a reason to stay but what they don’t tell you about anti depressants is that they make you spiritually dead inside, the spirit can’t reach you, can’t guide you, can’t bring you to a sense of spiritual peace.
It was at this moment I heard a small knock and from under the crack in the door I heard a small voice.
"Mom, are you there. I love you. Please don’t go, please."
I doubt he has any idea to this day how he saved me. His voice was my reason, his voice was my hope. He needed me, they all needed me and it was time. It was just time to step up, to find a healing place and to fight. D had been through so much, the girls were going through so much, we all had been through so much. I couldn’t give up, I just couldn’t.
I got up from the floor, flushed the pills in the toilet and opened the door. I took that sweet little saviour and hugged him so hard. The next day I went to Dr. Z and begun the process of healing; of improving and of finding responsibility and hope. I may have been failing my children, myself and everyone around me but I could change that. I was going to change that.
I came off the anti depressants slowly and starting feeling hope, I started to see answers and they were in me the whole time. As a family we worked with LDS Family Services for a long time but the marriage just wasn’t salvageable. We weren’t all coming to the plate.
I have spent many years seeking the forgiveness of my children. I know that there is still very much a part of them that has pain and I know my role in it. I find myself continuing to try to make it right.
I am grateful to Bishops and to the Lord for his role in helping me find myself again and for councillors who helped in the emotional healing. It took a long time but we have surfaced and we are sailing. I still fail sometimes but I see it sooner. They might not understand but I am hoping that in time they will.
So why write about it now. Because it’s real and far too many times people hide their suffering out of fear of being judged. I am not perfect, my family isn’t perfect and each of my children deal with pain in their own way. We were all affected by the dysfunction and this incident isn’t the only thing I failed my children with. The difference now is that I have hope, I see real recovery and nothing is worth ending your life over, especially when you are a parent, a wife, a daughter, a friend.
K3 and I are at peace over this. Lots of therapy and forgiveness on her behalf has brought resolution, at least for her and I on this. I am still working with my other children and in time, I know we will find peace all around.
Once again, I am so grateful for my children and for their help as I started to lift myself up. My family, my sister, my Mom, my friends all came back when I opened the door and all were essential in my finding hope. I am forever grateful to everyone, more than I think everyone will ever know.
Final words:
“If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.”
~ Dr. R. W. Shepherd
Friday, October 15, 2010
It Matters, It Really Matters
“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
~ John Wesley
I have been thinking for some time about the issue of bullies and all the news lately about them. When I first saw the news article about Tyler Clementi, the student at Rutgers who committed suicide, I was so moved by the hopelessness Tyler must have felt to have ended his life. Here was a young man, beyond talented, given a beautiful gift of music, a life to look forward to and it ended because he couldn't see a way out. The two students whose actions were the catalyst for Tyler's descent to hopelessness could not have imagined their actions would have resulted in his eventual suicide but could have known, should have known, they crossed a line. What would make two reasonable, responsible students going to a top notch university turn another person's life upside down, what would make two young people be so mean?
Where my girls were in school, at Beaverbrook, they was a strong core group of Mormons. I could tell you stories of just how mean this group could be but let me speak to once incident that made me embarrassed to belong to the faith I love so much.
One day, at around 5PM I got a call from a friend, a mother of a girl K1 danced with. She was livid. Her daughter, a stunningly beautiful girl, I think she was in Grade 10 at the time had been walking through the front foyer of the school. A bastion of Mormon boys had laid claim to the benches there and made it a point to cat call, ridicule and generally mock anyone, Mormon or not, who dared walk past. At this time, my girls hadn't yet felt the full on wave a Mormon backlash so this was really something new I was hearing. Mrs. G was by the front office and as her daughter walked past these 5 - 7 young priests; they were rentlentless. She was devastated, her daughter, humiliated and they walked out the front door absolutely in unbelief. She called me because she knew I was Mormon and wanted to know what she could do. Mrs G had called the school and their response was that they had already had the young men in their office with their parents and faced a wall of apathy. These boys were football players, honors students and for the most part, their actions seemed harmless. Harmless if it isn't your daughter. Who could she call to have these young men accountable for their actions. I gave her the Bishop's number as she already had their names and apologized that these boys would ever represent the Gospel in such a deplorable way.
The Bishop handled this and let's just say that the parents and the boys lacked the ability to feel responsible in any way. It made it more of a game to make this young woman's life even more difficult. In the end, the Mormon boys owned the front foyer and it was common knowledge that most everyone avoided it like the plague. Is this a form of bullying?
I have spoken to Mrs G on and off since. She still has strong words for the actions of these young men and what it has meant to her feelings about the church. I have expressed that she might need to maybe meet these young men now. They are returned missionaries, fathers, husbands and though they may not have acted honorably then, that for the most part they seem honorable now.
If, in your life, you have been a bully or been bullied the wonderful thing about life is the principle of "this too shall pass". I am sure there are many of us who would NEVER GO BACK if our lives depended on it. In a perfect world, cruelty wouldn't exist but this world is far from perfect. With that being said, what can we do, can we, as a single voice, make a difference?
YES!
Teach your children about fairness and tolerance and practise it yourself. I have strong feelings about some things but I have learned and continue to practise a policy of self accountability. My actions matter, they have an impact and I have tried my best to be the kind of person that people refer to as nice. My triggers still surface. Give me an intolerant, black and white Mormon and I have to take ten steps back to not lose my patience. It's my intolerance that will haunt me for a very long time.
I have stepped forward when I have felt that the words someone was using were too strong or incorrect, I have stepped away from friendships with people I find judgmental or cruel. I have learned the consequences of my own words and continue to try because I am in no way perfect.
Bullies in whatever form they take, a teenage young man, an abusive parent or spouse, sibling, and boss are saying more about themselves in their actions then any words you might say. Bullies are weak and use their words and their cruelty to cover up their own weakness. When you understand this your voice becomes a way to stand up to it.
The Savior gave the commandment;
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
~ John Wesley
I have been thinking for some time about the issue of bullies and all the news lately about them. When I first saw the news article about Tyler Clementi, the student at Rutgers who committed suicide, I was so moved by the hopelessness Tyler must have felt to have ended his life. Here was a young man, beyond talented, given a beautiful gift of music, a life to look forward to and it ended because he couldn't see a way out. The two students whose actions were the catalyst for Tyler's descent to hopelessness could not have imagined their actions would have resulted in his eventual suicide but could have known, should have known, they crossed a line. What would make two reasonable, responsible students going to a top notch university turn another person's life upside down, what would make two young people be so mean?
Where my girls were in school, at Beaverbrook, they was a strong core group of Mormons. I could tell you stories of just how mean this group could be but let me speak to once incident that made me embarrassed to belong to the faith I love so much.
One day, at around 5PM I got a call from a friend, a mother of a girl K1 danced with. She was livid. Her daughter, a stunningly beautiful girl, I think she was in Grade 10 at the time had been walking through the front foyer of the school. A bastion of Mormon boys had laid claim to the benches there and made it a point to cat call, ridicule and generally mock anyone, Mormon or not, who dared walk past. At this time, my girls hadn't yet felt the full on wave a Mormon backlash so this was really something new I was hearing. Mrs. G was by the front office and as her daughter walked past these 5 - 7 young priests; they were rentlentless. She was devastated, her daughter, humiliated and they walked out the front door absolutely in unbelief. She called me because she knew I was Mormon and wanted to know what she could do. Mrs G had called the school and their response was that they had already had the young men in their office with their parents and faced a wall of apathy. These boys were football players, honors students and for the most part, their actions seemed harmless. Harmless if it isn't your daughter. Who could she call to have these young men accountable for their actions. I gave her the Bishop's number as she already had their names and apologized that these boys would ever represent the Gospel in such a deplorable way.
The Bishop handled this and let's just say that the parents and the boys lacked the ability to feel responsible in any way. It made it more of a game to make this young woman's life even more difficult. In the end, the Mormon boys owned the front foyer and it was common knowledge that most everyone avoided it like the plague. Is this a form of bullying?
I have spoken to Mrs G on and off since. She still has strong words for the actions of these young men and what it has meant to her feelings about the church. I have expressed that she might need to maybe meet these young men now. They are returned missionaries, fathers, husbands and though they may not have acted honorably then, that for the most part they seem honorable now.
If, in your life, you have been a bully or been bullied the wonderful thing about life is the principle of "this too shall pass". I am sure there are many of us who would NEVER GO BACK if our lives depended on it. In a perfect world, cruelty wouldn't exist but this world is far from perfect. With that being said, what can we do, can we, as a single voice, make a difference?
YES!
Teach your children about fairness and tolerance and practise it yourself. I have strong feelings about some things but I have learned and continue to practise a policy of self accountability. My actions matter, they have an impact and I have tried my best to be the kind of person that people refer to as nice. My triggers still surface. Give me an intolerant, black and white Mormon and I have to take ten steps back to not lose my patience. It's my intolerance that will haunt me for a very long time.
I have stepped forward when I have felt that the words someone was using were too strong or incorrect, I have stepped away from friendships with people I find judgmental or cruel. I have learned the consequences of my own words and continue to try because I am in no way perfect.
Bullies in whatever form they take, a teenage young man, an abusive parent or spouse, sibling, and boss are saying more about themselves in their actions then any words you might say. Bullies are weak and use their words and their cruelty to cover up their own weakness. When you understand this your voice becomes a way to stand up to it.
The Savior gave the commandment;
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
It doesn't mean we get to chose who we like and don't like, it doesn't mean that if a person is a different color, a different religion, a different sexual orientation that we become exempt from this. As much as there are some in this world that I have huge issues with it, my role, my calling, my Heavenly Father's expectation of me is to get over it and get along. PERIOD!
I have been bullied in my life and I am embarrassed to say I have done it. I am doing my best now to step back and truly be the kind of person the Savior, my parents, my family could be proud of.
11:19 PM, I just finished watching 20/20's show on Bullys in America,
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/TheLaw/school-bullying-epidemic-turning-deadly/story?id=11880841
How can we make a difference?
11:19 PM, I just finished watching 20/20's show on Bullys in America,
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/TheLaw/school-bullying-epidemic-turning-deadly/story?id=11880841
How can we make a difference?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Courage By Any Other Name
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
When I was wondering Banff National Park and W and I had parked the car, we wondered...... off the beaten path. We were in the swampy area of Vermilion's Lakes just walking forward, ever forward and it struck me to look back and there it was. Sister's on a dock to a lake surrounded by Autumn and it was perfect in every real way.
I have had a very rough few months. There is no need to go into detail but suffice it to say it was rocky. Looking back for a glimpse can make a wonderful landscape but staring for ever only makes the forward become lost. Forward is a good place to focus, I am looking forward.
I returned to Facebook this week and was gently surprised at all the well wishes and new friends that have connected to old friends who were waiting for a return. I am always so surprised by the adult lives we all have and the strength that so many are showing, it's so inspirational.
Busy is my noun for the next few weeks. Work is crazy so it's pretty much all I do. I look forward to the Winter and to Christmas. I am not looking forward to the ache of missing one, I hope she knows I love her.
Well reminiscing and looking forward aside, what a beautiful journey so far, how can forward not be a pleasant thought process.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
These Old Men.
I have two old men in my life, both of whom I love dearly. It's ironic though because at this time, they are exactly the same age - Dog years to human years. They are both in their early 80's.
My Dad is a dog man but because of his extensive travels he hasn't owned one for years. When I was about 7 or 8; I remember the day clearly, we had just returned from Windermere and school had just started. It was a Saturday I think and all I recall clearly is being in front of the house and seeing Dad pull up in his truck. He was home from his geology camps up north. The truck door swung open and out jumped the most beautiful red setter type dog I had ever seen. The look on Grandma's face was priceless but to tell you the truth, I think she fell in love with Lady Dog that moment too.
When Dad was in town, Lady was all over it and when he was gone she belonged to the neighborhood. She was beautiful and she was our families first experience at dog ownership.
When I went to my parents house for the separation, Rocketman joined us. There were 4 of us coming to the house and the empty nest filled quickly. I was so concerned at Dad's reaction but he was welcoming because I know he felt that this was something my family needed. His way of giving at a time when acceptance was so important. Rocky hadn't spent much time with Dad but once we arrived the bond was instantaneous.
To this day, saying to Rocky - "Want to go to Grandpa's house?" puts him into over drive and he circles you tell he is safely in the car and on his way. When we got there yesterday, Grandpa wasn't home yet so he wondered everywhere looking for him. The door opened and he was all over it, not to mention Grandpa had chicken. I see these two together and it makes me smile.
A man who loves dogs is a man worth knowing!
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Lives of Others
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” ~ Paulo Coelho
I was pretty sure I was going to just leave this subject alone but alas, I think my two cents are worth sharing.
Because of my "spiritual time-out" this weekend I did not hear conference live. I love conference and so Sunday night I listened to what was available on YouTube. By Monday you could download MP3 versions of all of conference which is what I did and by Wednesday I had pretty much heard it all. There were great talks and wonderful sentiments and yes - even controversial ones but alas, what good conference wouldn't prick the ears of the listeners and make them say..... "Did he really just say that?"
YUP, he really did.
Here's one I just loved by President Monson given to the Women at the "Women's Broadcast"
"None of us is perfect. I know of no one who would profess to be so. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions.
There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.”
LOVED IT - and the rest of the talk was equally amazing.
Another by the apostle PER G Malm;
"In our day-to-day actions, it is often the small and simple things that will have a long-lasting impact. What we say, how we act, and how we choose to react will influence not only ourselves but also those around us. We can build up, or we can tear down. A simple and positive example is a story told about my grandmother. She sent one of her young children to buy some eggs. The trusted child was probably joyfully walking home along the road, but most of the eggs were broken when the child arrived home. A friend of the family was there and admonished my grandmother to scold the child for behaving so badly. Instead, Grandmother calmly and wisely said, “No, that will not make the eggs whole again. We will simply use what we can and make some pancakes that we can enjoy together.”
And something I had learned very well in these last few months, thank-you President Uchtdorf;
"The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ—the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life.
There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions."
So as you can see from just a few examples that there were many wise and wonderful words of wisdom shared and yet, it seems, a lot of Internet chat is revolving around one talk that I first saw on Youtube, listened to on Monday and read today. Wow, deep and rigid for sure but in remembering that, though these men are apostles they are also men, this too is way out of proportion but I can surely see how hurtful it can be taken.
You know already how I feel about Prop 8. http://oilgirl.blogspot.com/2009/03/big-love.html and when it comes to an opinion of homosexuality I plead the fifth because above everything else I believe in people and in compassion and in love and the bottom line is, I have no idea of walking those shows but from those I know who do, I admire and respect the fact that their lives are theirs to own and whether God agrees or not is truly NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
What am I on about.
My personal witness to the chaos when personal judgements make demands and scream out, not just to be heard but to deny whatever truth for themselves they advocate, GAY OR NOT, is simply against what I think God would have us do. Extremes on either side do not heal but harm dialogue and make it difficult to truly exercise God's love.
I don't have answers and I don't pretend to know, but what I think is that exclusion is painful and no one questioning they sexuality needs more pain than they already have. Love, encourage and acceptance of choice or lack there of; depending on how you see it, is going to make this argument go away.
Here's what I know. My Mom was a florist and for the 15 years I worked with her I met many who were Gay and ALL of them were children of our Heavenly Father. They were loving and compassionate and please remember that this was during the AIDS epidemic, so it is safe to say that nearly all of the men I met thru Mom have since passed. My mother taught me an important lesson that transcends all prejudices... you know the one.... the one about walking in their shoes.
In my youth I was given the opportunity to be friends with two incredible human beings. Both were high achievers, priesthood holders and wonderful men. I watched them struggle through the years, the unanswered replies to why they weren't married and when I was about 30 I think I started to realize their sexual orientation. Each passing I could see their internal struggles, hitting 30 and moving to the family ward was so hard to watch and this is when things started to change for them. One chose to stay in the church, the other chose to leave. Two divergent paths and they both have happy and productive lives. I can't speak much to their struggles excepting what I observed and I admire the hell out of both of them. I have seen the struggles of their families as they grasped the realities of same sex attraction and I have admired these parents as they embraced both of these men. I can't imagine the intensity of pain that must be involved in this journey.
What I do know is what my Heavenly Father expectations of me. He would ask that I love both equally and see they greatness, which I do.
President Packer spoke to what is his truth and witness, clearly from the rewording that was done for the text version you can see a church that is trying hard to grasp a very delicate situation and like my Father in Heaven's expectation of inclusion of my good friends with same sex attraction, I too must respect Brother Packer's words. I cannot nor will I ever have or share an opinion that takes away my belief that God is a loving and compassionate God of whom HE alone has the wisdom to understand this very difficult situation.
So what am I on about.
Holy crap, how many great talks were there. Talks filled with love and hope and acceptance, charity, kindness and compassion and all the world seems to care about is one talk. For me, I will be that member who embraces ANYONE who walks through the door of the gospel I love so dearly. I applaud difference because it is in the sameness that reflections of Satan's plan of Salvation ring similar. Heaven knows that I have experience in being fringe in a culture that is afraid of difference.
Really, when you get down to it - Love is a binding truth and finding it; the key to a recipe of truly ENJOYING THE JOURNEY. How one defines that Love is between God and the individual. All GOD asks of me is to love with a charity that transcends hate or exclusion of any kind.
I was pretty sure I was going to just leave this subject alone but alas, I think my two cents are worth sharing.
Because of my "spiritual time-out" this weekend I did not hear conference live. I love conference and so Sunday night I listened to what was available on YouTube. By Monday you could download MP3 versions of all of conference which is what I did and by Wednesday I had pretty much heard it all. There were great talks and wonderful sentiments and yes - even controversial ones but alas, what good conference wouldn't prick the ears of the listeners and make them say..... "Did he really just say that?"
YUP, he really did.
Here's one I just loved by President Monson given to the Women at the "Women's Broadcast"
"None of us is perfect. I know of no one who would profess to be so. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions.
There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.”
LOVED IT - and the rest of the talk was equally amazing.
Another by the apostle PER G Malm;
"In our day-to-day actions, it is often the small and simple things that will have a long-lasting impact. What we say, how we act, and how we choose to react will influence not only ourselves but also those around us. We can build up, or we can tear down. A simple and positive example is a story told about my grandmother. She sent one of her young children to buy some eggs. The trusted child was probably joyfully walking home along the road, but most of the eggs were broken when the child arrived home. A friend of the family was there and admonished my grandmother to scold the child for behaving so badly. Instead, Grandmother calmly and wisely said, “No, that will not make the eggs whole again. We will simply use what we can and make some pancakes that we can enjoy together.”
And something I had learned very well in these last few months, thank-you President Uchtdorf;
"The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ—the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life.
There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions."
So as you can see from just a few examples that there were many wise and wonderful words of wisdom shared and yet, it seems, a lot of Internet chat is revolving around one talk that I first saw on Youtube, listened to on Monday and read today. Wow, deep and rigid for sure but in remembering that, though these men are apostles they are also men, this too is way out of proportion but I can surely see how hurtful it can be taken.
You know already how I feel about Prop 8. http://oilgirl.blogspot.com/2009/03/big-love.html and when it comes to an opinion of homosexuality I plead the fifth because above everything else I believe in people and in compassion and in love and the bottom line is, I have no idea of walking those shows but from those I know who do, I admire and respect the fact that their lives are theirs to own and whether God agrees or not is truly NONE OF MY BUSINESS!
What am I on about.
My personal witness to the chaos when personal judgements make demands and scream out, not just to be heard but to deny whatever truth for themselves they advocate, GAY OR NOT, is simply against what I think God would have us do. Extremes on either side do not heal but harm dialogue and make it difficult to truly exercise God's love.
I don't have answers and I don't pretend to know, but what I think is that exclusion is painful and no one questioning they sexuality needs more pain than they already have. Love, encourage and acceptance of choice or lack there of; depending on how you see it, is going to make this argument go away.
Here's what I know. My Mom was a florist and for the 15 years I worked with her I met many who were Gay and ALL of them were children of our Heavenly Father. They were loving and compassionate and please remember that this was during the AIDS epidemic, so it is safe to say that nearly all of the men I met thru Mom have since passed. My mother taught me an important lesson that transcends all prejudices... you know the one.... the one about walking in their shoes.
In my youth I was given the opportunity to be friends with two incredible human beings. Both were high achievers, priesthood holders and wonderful men. I watched them struggle through the years, the unanswered replies to why they weren't married and when I was about 30 I think I started to realize their sexual orientation. Each passing I could see their internal struggles, hitting 30 and moving to the family ward was so hard to watch and this is when things started to change for them. One chose to stay in the church, the other chose to leave. Two divergent paths and they both have happy and productive lives. I can't speak much to their struggles excepting what I observed and I admire the hell out of both of them. I have seen the struggles of their families as they grasped the realities of same sex attraction and I have admired these parents as they embraced both of these men. I can't imagine the intensity of pain that must be involved in this journey.
What I do know is what my Heavenly Father expectations of me. He would ask that I love both equally and see they greatness, which I do.
President Packer spoke to what is his truth and witness, clearly from the rewording that was done for the text version you can see a church that is trying hard to grasp a very delicate situation and like my Father in Heaven's expectation of inclusion of my good friends with same sex attraction, I too must respect Brother Packer's words. I cannot nor will I ever have or share an opinion that takes away my belief that God is a loving and compassionate God of whom HE alone has the wisdom to understand this very difficult situation.
So what am I on about.
Holy crap, how many great talks were there. Talks filled with love and hope and acceptance, charity, kindness and compassion and all the world seems to care about is one talk. For me, I will be that member who embraces ANYONE who walks through the door of the gospel I love so dearly. I applaud difference because it is in the sameness that reflections of Satan's plan of Salvation ring similar. Heaven knows that I have experience in being fringe in a culture that is afraid of difference.
Really, when you get down to it - Love is a binding truth and finding it; the key to a recipe of truly ENJOYING THE JOURNEY. How one defines that Love is between God and the individual. All GOD asks of me is to love with a charity that transcends hate or exclusion of any kind.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Renewal, and Transformation
“Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives.”
~ unknown
~ unknown
 |
| This is why I love the mountains so much! |
Hi All, we are back and I have been zenned! I can't think of a better way to find yourself that to take yourself to the mountains with the love of your life and truly just zen! I have been renewed and I am forever in debt to this new man of mine who with great patience knew this is exactly what I needed, thank-you W, you are amazing!
We laughed, I cried, and we traveled.... literally over 1000kms searching the beauty that makes this National Park so wonderful. It wasn't just Banff National Park either, it was a hint of Jasper and then a lot of Peter Lougheed Provincial, Kanasaskis, and then, of all places, Highwood cus goodness knows the straightest way from Canmore to Calgary may be 80 km but why not go the long way around..... all 285 kms through some of the most untouched, beautiful roads you have ever seen!
I knew I was going to be okay when I took W to my riverbed, the place I moarned Mom's death, where I took D and he threw rocks for three hours while he purged his Dad's leaving and where I let go all the pain of the divorce and I just shared the beauty of the place and managed this sweet shot which it metaphoric, because my mountains truly are becoming pebbles sooner than ever before!
So, yes, you really can feel the weight of the world and you can let it go by simply removing yourself for some time and renewing and finding in yourself the ability to let it go for a time and be again, just be. I love my man for having the where with all to have the ability to do crazy things like taking off for a weekend and finding the beauty that reminds just WHO is the answer to it all.
And in case I forgot just how wonderful being there was, just sitting on the banks of Johnson Lake when really, there was just W and I there and every reflection of every tree and mountain was seen on a pristine, untouched lake, I started to remember how lucky I have been, how blessed I truly am to have the life I do.
And just to be reminded, on the river bed where I went soooo many times to pray and reflect and find peace... well, W was walking down the river bank and found this, poetic hey! It's like someone knew that someone like me would need a bit of a refresher to know exactly why my song is so strong up there in those mountains!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Time to Climb
“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.” ~ John Muir
My mountains are calling as they have so many times in the past. When I get there I feel safe and warm and home. I can’t tell you how much these great edifices of granite are my song, my very soul. Within them is God’s greatest handiwork; the shear amount of force necessary to make them magnificent speaks volumes to life’s trials and how they bring beauty to your own soul. I am home when my soul sings for rest in the Rockies. I begin feeling close and feeling safe. My W is taking me to rest, to be home.
For the life of me, I can’t tell you why I feel so attached to these great mountains. Maybe it was all the times when I was so young and Dad would take us skiing or travelling through to Comox or simply it was just looking west for most of my life and they were always there, solid and true. Anyway you feel it; it just is the places I go to think things through and to make things somehow make sense. The Rockies are my Liahona.
I spent most of last night in tears, lost and feeling like my world is begging to be turned upright. W with great patience is understanding and loving and caring, something so new to me from a husband and yet so cherished. He packed our food and bag and he knew, it is time to head west and to rest and purge and refresh because the world I have isn’t changing, my attitude is and it needs an adjustment desperately.
We will walk, we will drive and we will feel the beauty and JOY. I can’t wait to smell the crispness of Autumn and to feel the leafs crush under my feet as we walk by Bow Falls or smell the fudge cooking at the Fudge store on Main Street and stop to pick up Boo’s favorite caramel, marshmallow and pecan suckers you can only find there. We will have a fire and I will renew and I will come back ready to take on this world that can be sometimes so overwhelming.
I can’t even express my gratitude for my life and for all that is mine to make these rough times so much easier. How can you express your very soul’s JOY of renewal and rebuilding and finding strength?
This is a hard weekend for me; it’s a hard time of year. The anniversary of Mom’s death is coming and it is at this time I am reminded of what she was to me, what her strength and wisdom brought to me when times were hard. I ache that she was never able to meet W and to know that I was able to finally feel the kind of marriage love that binds two people. To feel safe and to express opinion without fear of criticism or abuse and to hear the words I’m sorry and to say them and know they are heartfelt and meant. To feel whole – finally – in the way the scriptures describe an eternal love.
I am going to my mountains and I will return ready to take on the stress and to move forward and to find a way to heal and maybe I will be able to find a voice that might be heard so that I can resolve those things left burdening me.
I Love the Mountains, I truly do!
My mountains are calling as they have so many times in the past. When I get there I feel safe and warm and home. I can’t tell you how much these great edifices of granite are my song, my very soul. Within them is God’s greatest handiwork; the shear amount of force necessary to make them magnificent speaks volumes to life’s trials and how they bring beauty to your own soul. I am home when my soul sings for rest in the Rockies. I begin feeling close and feeling safe. My W is taking me to rest, to be home.
For the life of me, I can’t tell you why I feel so attached to these great mountains. Maybe it was all the times when I was so young and Dad would take us skiing or travelling through to Comox or simply it was just looking west for most of my life and they were always there, solid and true. Anyway you feel it; it just is the places I go to think things through and to make things somehow make sense. The Rockies are my Liahona.
I spent most of last night in tears, lost and feeling like my world is begging to be turned upright. W with great patience is understanding and loving and caring, something so new to me from a husband and yet so cherished. He packed our food and bag and he knew, it is time to head west and to rest and purge and refresh because the world I have isn’t changing, my attitude is and it needs an adjustment desperately.
We will walk, we will drive and we will feel the beauty and JOY. I can’t wait to smell the crispness of Autumn and to feel the leafs crush under my feet as we walk by Bow Falls or smell the fudge cooking at the Fudge store on Main Street and stop to pick up Boo’s favorite caramel, marshmallow and pecan suckers you can only find there. We will have a fire and I will renew and I will come back ready to take on this world that can be sometimes so overwhelming.
I can’t even express my gratitude for my life and for all that is mine to make these rough times so much easier. How can you express your very soul’s JOY of renewal and rebuilding and finding strength?
This is a hard weekend for me; it’s a hard time of year. The anniversary of Mom’s death is coming and it is at this time I am reminded of what she was to me, what her strength and wisdom brought to me when times were hard. I ache that she was never able to meet W and to know that I was able to finally feel the kind of marriage love that binds two people. To feel safe and to express opinion without fear of criticism or abuse and to hear the words I’m sorry and to say them and know they are heartfelt and meant. To feel whole – finally – in the way the scriptures describe an eternal love.
I am going to my mountains and I will return ready to take on the stress and to move forward and to find a way to heal and maybe I will be able to find a voice that might be heard so that I can resolve those things left burdening me.
I Love the Mountains, I truly do!