Hate Knocked on Our Door

When our thoughts - which bring actions - are filled with hate against anyone, Negro or white, we are in a living hell. That is as real as hell will ever be.

~ George Washington Carver

 

Hate knocked on our door this weekend. A loud thunderous knock and then barged in and scared our lives in a way I doubt will easily come undone for a some time.

Note: the contents of this blog post have been reset to draft as there were details within it that would identify my daughter. In light of the case moving forward we have removed it until such time as either the culprits are caught or it appears they won't be.

Until then, all I can add is hate has no place in the hearts of those with common sense.

Redemption - an outsider's perspective.

Life has changed me, I would hope for the best but the the cynical self loathing side feels maybe not, maybe for the worst. That's why I am penning this now, that's why at nearly 400 posts I am hanging up the words and moving on.

Let me explain.

Dear Daughter BBG # 2 every year does this emotional cleanse that I admire so much. For 30 days she dedicates herself to her yoga and to her health. She zens herself to oblivion and then back again and after, every time after, her caca is so united that I get a bit jealous. Every year she gently nudges me to maybe join her and every year I wish with all my heart I could. Well, this year, in the deepest recesses of my aching heart I know, my 30 day challenge isn't just a wish but a soul wrenching necessity. It's time and therefore its a must.

So. beginning tomorrow I am placing myself on notice and moving forward to purge ( address is a better term) the last of the BS that  resides within me. I am giving myself a tune up of sorts. No, I won't be heading to the yoga studio every day but what I will be doing is dedicating myself to 30 days of do's. This is extremely personal and the journey is self involved. A first for me really; a first to just say this is for me, no one else, and I can do it every day for 30 days. I can take those moments to just walk through the valley of sorrows and bury them again, find the joy again and be whole again.

You see, I realised this week that the pain, heartache and abuse I faced for so long doesn't go away, ever. It just is there and whether it is dormant or not is wholly dependant on how I treat it, how I nourish or nurture it. If I feed it in a negative way, it surfaces it's ugly head and if I nurture it in a loving respectful way it guides me to a better life. I choose a better life and thus I take on my 30 days.

So what is redemption?

re·demp·tion (r-dmpshn)

n.

1. The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.

2. Recovery of something pawned or mortgaged.

3. The payment of an obligation, as a government's payment of the value of its bonds.

4. Deliverance upon payment of ransom; rescue.

5. Christianity Salvation from sin through Jesus's sacrifice.

 

All of these apply and I will, in the next 30 days redefine the journey of sorts. I will not post on this blog past 400 posts, the book will end and I will move forward to better and brighter things.

 

So for now, POST 1 of the 30 day challenge.

 

Mahatma Gandi is a hero of mine. I believe a prophet for his people, yes, there you have it, I believe in modern day prophets still, I just believe that the Momo's don't have an exclusive on it.

 

So, he will guide me through the next 30 days and I will use his words to generate each step I take.

 

1st Step.

 

Be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mohatma Gandi

 

Weak people look at others and see their strengths, emotionally scared people look at others and see their weaknesses, healthy people see others and find possibilities.

 

I want to focus again on the possible. I want to be the change that inspires others. I need to find redemption again and to finally and without malice look to my past and find the closure necessary to rid myself of the anger and the guilt so there is no fear.

 

For thirty days, each day, I will throw a stone, whether proverbial or for real and purge the baggage.

 

Tomorrow's stone will be for my childhood because,  firstly, the gratitude I hold to dear parents who blessed me with such a beautiful and loving place to flourish. Thank you Mom and Dad. 

 

and .....

 

Secondly: frustration, for a Gospel learning centered in mistruths and half hoods that taught me intolerance. I am done with the resentment and it is time to let it go. Time to be done with it. I will look to what was rightly taught and I will hold dear to those truths, like a God who blessed us with a beautiful earth and sun and that being kind is truly what Jesus would have us do. Those truths will buoy me up, those truths will sustain me.

 

So......

 

My changing the world will happen in the love I have for my family, I will make a difference to them. I have the best example to follow for this. Her name was Joy. Tomorrow, I will stand where she learned how to be Joy from her mentor Jean and I will cherish and feel her there. Feel Jean there because when it is all said and done I am truly the luckiest woman in the world to have been blessed to be from the matriarchal line I am from. It didn't take a church to tell me how to be a Mom, it took a family. A loving, inspiring, heart warming group of woman who from generation to generation have been great Mom's.

 

That is how I will change the world.

 

And finally, in the next 30 days I will find love again, love for myself by finally forgiving myself for being so weak for so long. I will no longer be an enemy to myself.

 

 

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies. (from "Loving Your Enemies")”

― Martin Luther King Jr., A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dear God

“Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.”

~ Henri J.M. Nouwenm, The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life

So, I have been thinking deeply lately, truly trying to understand how to finally, absolutely, LET IT ALL GO.  I have no answers and so I have to ask the questions. What is it that is holding me back?

 

I have spent a few days pondering (oh, that takes me back to my momo days) and studying what is my next step and concluded my next point would be to do whatever is necessary to finally rid myself of all of this BS that is clogging the arteries of my emotional life.

I spent some time writing down on paper (you can still do that right?) the weaknesses in my armour, here it goes.

What I can't seem to forgive:

(What used to be here was a list - I removed it)

So even in penning the words I can see that some might look at it and say that is some seriously trivial BS, but for me, it's crippled me, even broken me and now, though I walk most of the time in relative peace in gives me a visible limp. I WANT RID OF THE LIMP!


So there it is, in a nutshell. My Achilles heal, all exposed for you.  It's just so old and so ridiculous and yet it is the very ache that resides deep within me. When I find myself vulnerable, these are the hurting points. When I hear M is close, these seemingly unforgivable acts surface and I just can't seem to find the zen to purge them.


So penning it down and seeing it makes me realize just how much of an old record this sick song really is. At some point the tune is even too old for me to fathom. So , the lesson that I learned from the BS job I just walked away from is the only person that fixes the #$%* in your life is you so here is my reasoning out and a sort of game plan of sorts.


Here it goes;


1. Learn to get over it once and for all and accept that maybe I will limp a bit but I will still walk gracefully through this life of mine.


2. Fix the emotional hold the church forces on me, one way or another. If that means meeting with whomever to say, I want a cancellation of the sealing and because I chose to enter that shit show of a marriage I HAVE THE RIGHT TO leave it as well is a RIGHT I have. If it means, when 'they' come back with the answer "no" again that the next step would be I resign my membership to accommodate it so be it. I don't want to be a part of a church that stands behind a man like M anyway.

3.  Roller coaster rides are fun but no when they repeat themselves over and over again, that is a sign for me anyway that I am not completely healed. I want off the ride, I want this chapter of my life done with. I used to think that would happen when M finally admitted his abuse. Well, that ain't going to happen, ever, and that's his weakness to own. For me, this needs to end and I just have to find it within myself to do that. Any ideas guys? Any hints on how to finally forgive the bastard. He took so much from me, from us and still pretends it was all my fault, still tells people, anyone who will listen, it was about me and how I couldn't follow his priesthood. Now, in the end, he even controls my emotional freedom with letters full of hate and a warped and misguided paradigm of his making. Why can't he just let me go. If I am everything he says I am why does he even want to still be sealed to me, I want out, and I hate that a church and an abusive man controls that, it seems wrong
on every level.

So posterity, you do have a bit of a wanker of a relative here. Yes, I know, admitting you have mental health issues is on some level healing from them but on this account I seriously need closure and I am quite literally stuck!

Do you have ideas that don't end in me resigning? Is there another way here to close this sordid and sick chapter of my life?

There is something that aches deep within me when I think of my genealogical records even having the * of my sealing to M. I made a mistake 30 years ago, does it have to emotionally haunt me the rest of my life?

I am stuck, truly stuck and I need a hand out of this mud I call my baggage.