"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Failure on every level is exhausting and it seems I have done more of it than I care to admit to especially these last few months. But this one week ago Sunday I bombed beyond bombing and I am having the hardest time standing back up.
I was asked by another teacher in RS to make up her Sunday which was the 11th. Without checking the subject or lesson I agreed and went about my day. After later looking up what I had agreed to I had wished with all my heart I had checked before I said yes. . If I hadn’t of asked her to cover my lesson the month before I would have phoned back and bagged out. What had I agreed to?
I prayed and I searched and I prayed some more and I even got to a place where I felt confident. That was my first mistake. Never, ever, ever get to a place where confidence resides because that is the place where falling flat on you face follows.
The topic of the lesson was ‘The Priesthood”. Not bad, I know, but one of the sub topics was a discussion on honoring the priesthood. Every time I went there all of the demons came out and all I could hear in my head was “YOU MUST FOLLOW MY PRIESTHOOD”, and “I have the Priesthood and you must do what I tell you” and “If only you would follow my priesthood there would be no problems”. It was his siren call and it is what he told anyone who would listen when we were separating was the ONLY reason our marriage was ending. It was the one thing that crushed me beyond crushing. I knew I honored the priesthood, I knew I respected the priesthood; I just couldn’t bring myself or my children to be abused any further from his unrighteous use of it. It was so difficult. It was so painful, it was opening up so many almost healed wounds.
With plenty of counseling and time passing I have been able to understand the Priesthood and its appropriate use. I have been able to discern when and where it’s to function and just how it functions. I am married to a man who in the honoring of the Priesthood it becomes inspiring. I thought I had my emotions in check and yet, boy, was I wrong. What happened to my family has no other word for it but extreme spiritual abuse and finding our way back has been hard fought. A wiser woman might have seen how teaching on this topic would open old wounds. Boy did it ever. It laid them bare for all to see. Every weakness I have came out and was exposed to every woman in that room and IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
Note to self: take a pass on a subject like this. It’s more beneficial to all involved. And to the understanding from those who hugged me after I owe my emotional life. I was ready to be absolutely done, to NEVER walk into that room again because after all the work I have done to get over the years of abuse as a family we suffered through, I simply dropped it all and felt like I would have to start all over again.
The one comment from the women most expected to give it stung very deep until I realized that her perspective is only what M said and she is not the type to care much of another person’s shoes. I guess the positive aspect here is the recognition of that fact was immediate and the words didn’t hurt for very long.
So the solution, as hard as it will be, is to recognize that I am going to have to get back on that horse in a couple of months and trust that I can teach without emotion with the aid of the Lord.
A says the lesson was for me and to remember that. If it had to happen for that alone then so be it. Her words “I hope your able to shack this off and not hold onto it, it is part of your past, and now part of the future. We are what we are yesterday, today we get to start again, always remember that, it is the atonement in action.” With those words you now can know why I admire her so.
I hate picking up the pieces when I drop them! Maybe what I should think about is that it is getting easier and easier to pick them up. Failure is a part of me in a very real way. I think I will be spending the next while talking myself into standing before that group of women again and garnishing the courage to try and teach. Yikes, I can already feel my stomach turn.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Updating Posts
So, I have uploaded all my writing of the past few months. I am sure that they are not all in order and it may seem a bit disjointed but I felt it best to post them, they are my words and I stand by them. Thanks all for your patience with me, I am, after all, a work in progress!
To Know What People Really Think
“To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.” ~ Rene Descartes
I have a resolve to continue writing and I am hoping that the words I type have purpose if not for me then for those who read them. My opinions are just that; an opinion, and though there are times when the pain ebbs them to a more brutal and uncompromising attitude; after revealed I can see that I have edged to unreason and find myself moving once again towards rational reflection.
Case in point.
I have always been perplexed by the need of so many members of our church to “put on eres” to have themselves appear flawless and then for others to judge so harshly the “falling down” and getting back up of others who are open enough to admit they are not perfect. I have always been an underdog and supporter of the member of the church less liked or harshly judged.
I remember as a youth the family of a part member home. The mother was dedicated and her children very active. She served in all the callings allotted to one to whom the choice of marrying a non member can have. I liked her but she was a bit brash and a mother bear in her own right. My Mom loved her and constantly reminded me that her life wasn’t easy, her journey a bit more challenged as her husband was very much not in support of her activity in the church.
Her children were misfits, caught between two worlds and desperately seeking acceptance. The culture of our church, being the way it is, was not a completely welcoming place and I have to say, being so immersed in it during high school, though I was never cruel, I was also not going out of my way to be welcoming either.
My day to day actions were not in harmony with my thoughts and in every real way I failed myself and this great woman and her children. Funny thing is, I was aware of my hearts intuition but immaturity brought me to a place of non action. Boy, do I wish I could take back time because instead of being so immersed in being accepted I could have just been friendly and accepting and made being at church a bit easier for some.
I can’t even tell you what happened to this family or to the kids. I shared a ward with them for years and for all I know they could live in the same house and simply be inactive. Do we go back and admit are faults or do we resolve to never repeat the actions and move forward? What’s the answer? Which direction the correct one?
I have struggled so much with my testimony in the last while and with where I stand exactly on my beliefs. I have a brother who spent most of his teen years and early twenties living a life not in keeping with the gospel and even after his mission he tripped but through it all he had the support of his family. This same brother hasn’t spoken to me since I chose to marry outside of the temple first, because my ex could not control the date as he would stall the process and second, so that we could include our less active children and merge the families harmoniously. Is this what our church teaches; am I right in assuming the culture dictates it?
A friend at work grew up JW. She was the perfect child and for her entire life, to the age of almost 20, a JW parents dream child. She suffered from depression and was abused horribly by a strict and unforgiving father and yet, as much as she did right, she could never do enough right to please him. She fell in love with a man from work and wanted to marry him. In the JW faith, once baptized, marrying outside your faith results in some very traumatic results. I thought she was kidding until one day, where entering an elevator with her to start the day at work, three women promptly exited it. It was such an intrusive reaction; these women didn’t just leave the elevator but did so with great drama and disgust leveled precisely at this wonderful and sweet young woman. Tears began to fall down her face and I felt so bad for her. I didn’t understand what had just happened. She informed me that they were JW too and that she had just had a judgment of shunning placed on her. I was shocked when she explained what that was. SHOCKED!
Though the JW have an actual name for this kind of behavior, do we as a faith, have a similar reaction to those that stray? I have witnessed a dear friend’s son who has been excommunicated try each Sunday to return to church. He sits alone at the back of the chapel and is very rarely addressed except by those who have great understanding to the challenges that accompany church courts and the inevitable consequences. It isn’t easy to have so many people aware of your “supposed sins” because, come on; do we every really know the full truth?
Another case in point.
This past year, as I have faced the greatest challenge to what I know to be true and because of the anger that is residual from my past I made a very heart rendering choice. My testimony had waivered; whether from a challenge to my belief system or anger from a past that remains unresolved I knew that had I been given a choice to be baptized at that moment I was not sure I could answer yes. I didn’t know what I believed anymore except that the gospel of Jesus Christ was my foothold and that I understood. I felt that attendance at the temple and even partaking of the sacrament and renewing covenants I wasn’t sure of was maybe something I needed to rethink. So I made a decision, knowing full well that I would be scrutinized and that there would be many who would judge. I would cease to do both until I could come to terms with where I was spiritually.
For almost 8 months I challenged myself and worked through all that I had once taken for granted. I read and searched for answers and knew that each time, as the sacrament passed me that there would be many who would just judge me and make inaccurate assumptions because Wayne and I had not married in the temple. The Bishop did his best to help by calling me to teach RS and by having me pray in sacrament meeting but there are always those who never try and see the picture as it is but for what it isn’t.
W was so amazing through this whole process. He sat beside me each sacrament meeting and cushioned me from the stares and mostly he was patient as I struggled to know again, to believe again and then to commit again to the gospel of our faith we share. Thank you for that W! You were a life saver.
So, as I was going through this, I remembered my good friend D and her struggle with joining the church. She had investigated for years and her active and strong husband stood by her. She remembered the day she finally realized that she had spent so much time waiting for that great AHA moment to happen when she’d be struck down by the thunder of truth and in reality, her truth was ebbing its way into her heart. Sometimes just believing that something makes you a better person; that being united as a family is more important than the absolute witness. She knew that with time, it would permeate her being and it would just be a part of her. I could describe her as the best RS President I have ever met, not to mention, the best YM and Primary Pres as well but she absolutely could be described as a wonderful daughter, sister, Mom and wife as well as someone who balances the gospel with everyday living better than anyone I know. Her example brought me to my balance. Her example helped me to see past the pain.
My whole belief system has changed. I no longer describe myself in the same way. Though I have now come full circle and renew my covenants both of the sacrament and in the temple it is done on such a personal level that I almost feel guilty. My truths and my faith in them are self evident and how someone else looks on it is unimportant to me. I am my Father in Heaven’s daughter and his mercy coupled with my efforts can result in a united cause. I know that this faith is a part of me and that He has given me so much. To walk away would be wrong. As hard as it is to feel accepted by those in my faith I am still a part of it and for that I am defined. Is this a result of a wounded maturing or the consequences of a difficult road travelled?
Well, I can’t answer that but let me write to the results?
W and I went to the WP ward Canada Day breakfast. We walked there because it was just a few blocks from our home and we brought our precious Rocky with us. As we approached my father we were accosted by a crotchety old member of the HP quorum. Someone I have known since I was a very little girl. He came after us for having Rocky there and did so in the unkindest of ways. After saying the same thing over 10 times I looked over to W upon which W said to Brother D, “we heard you and we will move in a moment”. The exchange was over nearly as quickly as it had started and we never thought of it again except to say how sad it was for someone to be so uptight about something so irrelevant.
Later that week we heard that something had been said about this HP’s behavior and it was then that I realized how little effect these kind of interactions have on me now. Is it that I just don’t care anymore or is it that I have more self esteem so I am not as vulnerable to insult? Either way; I am a better person now, thank goodness, and as for my being active and taking on the renewal of my covenants in a much more reticent way. I think, for the most part, I am living my life for myself more than ever. I seek out ways to be of service not for others to see it but for the purpose of making the world a better place.
I have truly come to understand the meaning of the AtOneMent.
So what am I on about this time?
“Everything is self evident.” ~ Rene Descates
I have a resolve to continue writing and I am hoping that the words I type have purpose if not for me then for those who read them. My opinions are just that; an opinion, and though there are times when the pain ebbs them to a more brutal and uncompromising attitude; after revealed I can see that I have edged to unreason and find myself moving once again towards rational reflection.
Case in point.
I have always been perplexed by the need of so many members of our church to “put on eres” to have themselves appear flawless and then for others to judge so harshly the “falling down” and getting back up of others who are open enough to admit they are not perfect. I have always been an underdog and supporter of the member of the church less liked or harshly judged.
I remember as a youth the family of a part member home. The mother was dedicated and her children very active. She served in all the callings allotted to one to whom the choice of marrying a non member can have. I liked her but she was a bit brash and a mother bear in her own right. My Mom loved her and constantly reminded me that her life wasn’t easy, her journey a bit more challenged as her husband was very much not in support of her activity in the church.
Her children were misfits, caught between two worlds and desperately seeking acceptance. The culture of our church, being the way it is, was not a completely welcoming place and I have to say, being so immersed in it during high school, though I was never cruel, I was also not going out of my way to be welcoming either.
My day to day actions were not in harmony with my thoughts and in every real way I failed myself and this great woman and her children. Funny thing is, I was aware of my hearts intuition but immaturity brought me to a place of non action. Boy, do I wish I could take back time because instead of being so immersed in being accepted I could have just been friendly and accepting and made being at church a bit easier for some.
I can’t even tell you what happened to this family or to the kids. I shared a ward with them for years and for all I know they could live in the same house and simply be inactive. Do we go back and admit are faults or do we resolve to never repeat the actions and move forward? What’s the answer? Which direction the correct one?
I have struggled so much with my testimony in the last while and with where I stand exactly on my beliefs. I have a brother who spent most of his teen years and early twenties living a life not in keeping with the gospel and even after his mission he tripped but through it all he had the support of his family. This same brother hasn’t spoken to me since I chose to marry outside of the temple first, because my ex could not control the date as he would stall the process and second, so that we could include our less active children and merge the families harmoniously. Is this what our church teaches; am I right in assuming the culture dictates it?
A friend at work grew up JW. She was the perfect child and for her entire life, to the age of almost 20, a JW parents dream child. She suffered from depression and was abused horribly by a strict and unforgiving father and yet, as much as she did right, she could never do enough right to please him. She fell in love with a man from work and wanted to marry him. In the JW faith, once baptized, marrying outside your faith results in some very traumatic results. I thought she was kidding until one day, where entering an elevator with her to start the day at work, three women promptly exited it. It was such an intrusive reaction; these women didn’t just leave the elevator but did so with great drama and disgust leveled precisely at this wonderful and sweet young woman. Tears began to fall down her face and I felt so bad for her. I didn’t understand what had just happened. She informed me that they were JW too and that she had just had a judgment of shunning placed on her. I was shocked when she explained what that was. SHOCKED!
Though the JW have an actual name for this kind of behavior, do we as a faith, have a similar reaction to those that stray? I have witnessed a dear friend’s son who has been excommunicated try each Sunday to return to church. He sits alone at the back of the chapel and is very rarely addressed except by those who have great understanding to the challenges that accompany church courts and the inevitable consequences. It isn’t easy to have so many people aware of your “supposed sins” because, come on; do we every really know the full truth?
Another case in point.
This past year, as I have faced the greatest challenge to what I know to be true and because of the anger that is residual from my past I made a very heart rendering choice. My testimony had waivered; whether from a challenge to my belief system or anger from a past that remains unresolved I knew that had I been given a choice to be baptized at that moment I was not sure I could answer yes. I didn’t know what I believed anymore except that the gospel of Jesus Christ was my foothold and that I understood. I felt that attendance at the temple and even partaking of the sacrament and renewing covenants I wasn’t sure of was maybe something I needed to rethink. So I made a decision, knowing full well that I would be scrutinized and that there would be many who would judge. I would cease to do both until I could come to terms with where I was spiritually.
For almost 8 months I challenged myself and worked through all that I had once taken for granted. I read and searched for answers and knew that each time, as the sacrament passed me that there would be many who would just judge me and make inaccurate assumptions because Wayne and I had not married in the temple. The Bishop did his best to help by calling me to teach RS and by having me pray in sacrament meeting but there are always those who never try and see the picture as it is but for what it isn’t.
W was so amazing through this whole process. He sat beside me each sacrament meeting and cushioned me from the stares and mostly he was patient as I struggled to know again, to believe again and then to commit again to the gospel of our faith we share. Thank you for that W! You were a life saver.
So, as I was going through this, I remembered my good friend D and her struggle with joining the church. She had investigated for years and her active and strong husband stood by her. She remembered the day she finally realized that she had spent so much time waiting for that great AHA moment to happen when she’d be struck down by the thunder of truth and in reality, her truth was ebbing its way into her heart. Sometimes just believing that something makes you a better person; that being united as a family is more important than the absolute witness. She knew that with time, it would permeate her being and it would just be a part of her. I could describe her as the best RS President I have ever met, not to mention, the best YM and Primary Pres as well but she absolutely could be described as a wonderful daughter, sister, Mom and wife as well as someone who balances the gospel with everyday living better than anyone I know. Her example brought me to my balance. Her example helped me to see past the pain.
My whole belief system has changed. I no longer describe myself in the same way. Though I have now come full circle and renew my covenants both of the sacrament and in the temple it is done on such a personal level that I almost feel guilty. My truths and my faith in them are self evident and how someone else looks on it is unimportant to me. I am my Father in Heaven’s daughter and his mercy coupled with my efforts can result in a united cause. I know that this faith is a part of me and that He has given me so much. To walk away would be wrong. As hard as it is to feel accepted by those in my faith I am still a part of it and for that I am defined. Is this a result of a wounded maturing or the consequences of a difficult road travelled?
Well, I can’t answer that but let me write to the results?
W and I went to the WP ward Canada Day breakfast. We walked there because it was just a few blocks from our home and we brought our precious Rocky with us. As we approached my father we were accosted by a crotchety old member of the HP quorum. Someone I have known since I was a very little girl. He came after us for having Rocky there and did so in the unkindest of ways. After saying the same thing over 10 times I looked over to W upon which W said to Brother D, “we heard you and we will move in a moment”. The exchange was over nearly as quickly as it had started and we never thought of it again except to say how sad it was for someone to be so uptight about something so irrelevant.
Later that week we heard that something had been said about this HP’s behavior and it was then that I realized how little effect these kind of interactions have on me now. Is it that I just don’t care anymore or is it that I have more self esteem so I am not as vulnerable to insult? Either way; I am a better person now, thank goodness, and as for my being active and taking on the renewal of my covenants in a much more reticent way. I think, for the most part, I am living my life for myself more than ever. I seek out ways to be of service not for others to see it but for the purpose of making the world a better place.
I have truly come to understand the meaning of the AtOneMent.
So what am I on about this time?
“Everything is self evident.” ~ Rene Descates
Distinctions
“Distinctions between citizens solely because of their ancestry are by their very nature odious to a free people whose institutions are founded upon the doctrine of equality”
Harlan Stone
Things matter most when you place value on them, and by things I mean everything. Objects, people, places, tangible connections to people, we all give value as we assign it to them. An idea can hold great value and motivate an individual to great heights just as a desire but mostly what drives importance is how we individually esteem it. This, I believe, is where cultures, families, workplaces fall apart.
This happens when
a.) Value is placed inappropriately and
b.) no value is placed where it is most needed.
The CEO of my company sent this out in an “ALL Calgary” email the other day.
You are invited to submit responses to the question below for the Calgary Quarterly Staff meeting.
This is a three-part question. Please answer in 50 words or less NO LATER THAN 12:00 NOON TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2010. Please note, all responses will be held in the strictest confidence and will remain anonymous.
1) In your professional life here at (blank) what “guides” you?
2) Could you suggest anything that (blank)may (or may not) add to our Mission Statement and if so, what would you suggest? (No promises!)
To develop people to work together to create value for the Company’s shareholders by doing it right with fun and integrity.
3) If your suggestion WAS added to (Blank) Mission Statement, how would you behave differently?
Thank you,
Name Witheld ; Chairman
Company Name
After everyone on the floor chuckled I thought about how in so many ways I admire the man and yet in others I wonder. Big thinking thought here; and for all intents and purposes what I think of him really is low on any matter scale to just about anyone in the company. With being a pencil pushing, report generating LOW SLUG ON THE TOTEM POLE kind of employee even in writing something what could I ever offer a man worth billions of dollars and making multi trillion dollar decisions on a daily basis? My guess would be nothing, I am sure.
So I thought about the statement. Big Kaunas is a guru of the great Stephen Covey and believes in all things “7 Habit’s plus the 8 and so on and so on and so on”. I’ve read all the books and think there are just as dynamic as the next guy but under it all, what are all of us and what matters in my world that would ever matter in his?
The other day, I got on the elevator. Now, BIG KAUNAS knows who I am because some of the reports I generate do matter a bit. He asked if any of us on the elevator had seen a show on TV the night before. Weird hey, it was a pretty strange question? Then he asked what we thought the show said about women and their place in society. There were about three of us on the elevator and I had already had the heads up that he could sometimes do this. So BIG MOUTH that I am gave a straight forward and honest answer and was finished just as the elevator door opened on my floor. “Thanks!” he said and I walked off. “Didn’t that intimidate you?” my friend asked and then it hit me. He is just a guy who asked a question and I was just the person who answered it. It didn’t occur to me that he was any more or less important than the question asked and it never occurred to me that my opinion probably mattered nothing to him. It was just an exchange of conversation between two people existing together in a world filled with people.
The world can sometimes assign value to things that really, logically, have no value in it. My family line is “Landed Gentry” and our family name resides in the “Landed Gentry Registry” for England. Because my English ancestors were land owners and Lords and Ladies for some reason it made us more special. I would have loved those people to run across my Great grandfather who ran away from that craziness and had the adventure of a lifetime surveying the Mackenzie River system and Gold Rushing in the Klondike. He ended up Tugging Boats and Log Booms in the Georgia Straight and from what I have heard loved his life and all things in it. He avoided his English family and lived a simple and easy life on the banks of the Courtney River. He died just a few years before my birth but the legacy he left is honored and he remains a beloved member of the history of the Comox Valley.
I reflect often on cultural placement, the pecking order of the playground to the church pew and with all the heart I can muster I tend to generally snub my nose at it. I will never be a fifth or sixth generation Momo and I am not sure why that makes a difference in the abilities I have but for some it does. It’s sad really because I think for the most part people at church really don’t give a hoot how many generations of Mormon you are but still very much honor the pioneer stories and the people who lived them. There were some pretty humungous sacrifices made back then and we all honor them.
We all have some kind of pioneering heritage and with that we have great history running through our bones. My great great grandfather was a pretty incredible man. He was the ambassador to Prussia, owned the Daily Newspaper in London and was an all around amazing fellow. Because his blood runs through my bones it doesn’t make me better or worse that any other person. This is what my great grandma taught me as she was one of the “Homesteading Act” pioneers to travel to Canada on a large steamer and then on a train from Montreal to Winnipeg and finally a wagon to a small homestead this side of Balzac. And by the way – she was the most stubborn Scottish woman you could ever come across and made my grannies life a shear hell in the process. Her life is as much a testament to greatness as the landed gentry side and just as a side note, had any of these ancestors of mine not travelled or become pioneers I would never have had an opportunity to exist. My Dad’s family would have never allowed the union.
History can define us on so many levels and who we are – where we come from matters to how far we have all come but one person is no greater or lesser in the eyes of God for any reason imaginable and proclaiming so is counterproductive to His great plan of salvation – and for the years I was told that “adoption in” makes some one less in heaven I call **** ****. God sees us all as equals with equal opportunity and I believe He holds us accountable to our own truths. This is the gospel according to S. I believe in a benevolent and kind God who sees colours and not just black and white. I’m still typing so thunder bolts have not struck me down. I guess that opinion is forgivable.
So what am I on about? Living and breathing together in a world united by sameness in quality and character.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” ~ Mitch Albom
Harlan Stone
Things matter most when you place value on them, and by things I mean everything. Objects, people, places, tangible connections to people, we all give value as we assign it to them. An idea can hold great value and motivate an individual to great heights just as a desire but mostly what drives importance is how we individually esteem it. This, I believe, is where cultures, families, workplaces fall apart.
This happens when
a.) Value is placed inappropriately and
b.) no value is placed where it is most needed.
The CEO of my company sent this out in an “ALL Calgary” email the other day.
You are invited to submit responses to the question below for the Calgary Quarterly Staff meeting.
This is a three-part question. Please answer in 50 words or less NO LATER THAN 12:00 NOON TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2010. Please note, all responses will be held in the strictest confidence and will remain anonymous.
1) In your professional life here at (blank) what “guides” you?
2) Could you suggest anything that (blank)may (or may not) add to our Mission Statement and if so, what would you suggest? (No promises!)
To develop people to work together to create value for the Company’s shareholders by doing it right with fun and integrity.
3) If your suggestion WAS added to (Blank) Mission Statement, how would you behave differently?
Thank you,
Name Witheld ; Chairman
Company Name
After everyone on the floor chuckled I thought about how in so many ways I admire the man and yet in others I wonder. Big thinking thought here; and for all intents and purposes what I think of him really is low on any matter scale to just about anyone in the company. With being a pencil pushing, report generating LOW SLUG ON THE TOTEM POLE kind of employee even in writing something what could I ever offer a man worth billions of dollars and making multi trillion dollar decisions on a daily basis? My guess would be nothing, I am sure.
So I thought about the statement. Big Kaunas is a guru of the great Stephen Covey and believes in all things “7 Habit’s plus the 8 and so on and so on and so on”. I’ve read all the books and think there are just as dynamic as the next guy but under it all, what are all of us and what matters in my world that would ever matter in his?
The other day, I got on the elevator. Now, BIG KAUNAS knows who I am because some of the reports I generate do matter a bit. He asked if any of us on the elevator had seen a show on TV the night before. Weird hey, it was a pretty strange question? Then he asked what we thought the show said about women and their place in society. There were about three of us on the elevator and I had already had the heads up that he could sometimes do this. So BIG MOUTH that I am gave a straight forward and honest answer and was finished just as the elevator door opened on my floor. “Thanks!” he said and I walked off. “Didn’t that intimidate you?” my friend asked and then it hit me. He is just a guy who asked a question and I was just the person who answered it. It didn’t occur to me that he was any more or less important than the question asked and it never occurred to me that my opinion probably mattered nothing to him. It was just an exchange of conversation between two people existing together in a world filled with people.
The world can sometimes assign value to things that really, logically, have no value in it. My family line is “Landed Gentry” and our family name resides in the “Landed Gentry Registry” for England. Because my English ancestors were land owners and Lords and Ladies for some reason it made us more special. I would have loved those people to run across my Great grandfather who ran away from that craziness and had the adventure of a lifetime surveying the Mackenzie River system and Gold Rushing in the Klondike. He ended up Tugging Boats and Log Booms in the Georgia Straight and from what I have heard loved his life and all things in it. He avoided his English family and lived a simple and easy life on the banks of the Courtney River. He died just a few years before my birth but the legacy he left is honored and he remains a beloved member of the history of the Comox Valley.
I reflect often on cultural placement, the pecking order of the playground to the church pew and with all the heart I can muster I tend to generally snub my nose at it. I will never be a fifth or sixth generation Momo and I am not sure why that makes a difference in the abilities I have but for some it does. It’s sad really because I think for the most part people at church really don’t give a hoot how many generations of Mormon you are but still very much honor the pioneer stories and the people who lived them. There were some pretty humungous sacrifices made back then and we all honor them.
We all have some kind of pioneering heritage and with that we have great history running through our bones. My great great grandfather was a pretty incredible man. He was the ambassador to Prussia, owned the Daily Newspaper in London and was an all around amazing fellow. Because his blood runs through my bones it doesn’t make me better or worse that any other person. This is what my great grandma taught me as she was one of the “Homesteading Act” pioneers to travel to Canada on a large steamer and then on a train from Montreal to Winnipeg and finally a wagon to a small homestead this side of Balzac. And by the way – she was the most stubborn Scottish woman you could ever come across and made my grannies life a shear hell in the process. Her life is as much a testament to greatness as the landed gentry side and just as a side note, had any of these ancestors of mine not travelled or become pioneers I would never have had an opportunity to exist. My Dad’s family would have never allowed the union.
History can define us on so many levels and who we are – where we come from matters to how far we have all come but one person is no greater or lesser in the eyes of God for any reason imaginable and proclaiming so is counterproductive to His great plan of salvation – and for the years I was told that “adoption in” makes some one less in heaven I call **** ****. God sees us all as equals with equal opportunity and I believe He holds us accountable to our own truths. This is the gospel according to S. I believe in a benevolent and kind God who sees colours and not just black and white. I’m still typing so thunder bolts have not struck me down. I guess that opinion is forgivable.
So what am I on about? Living and breathing together in a world united by sameness in quality and character.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” ~ Mitch Albom
The Web of Life
"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud if our faults whipt them not; and our crimes would despair if they were not cherish'd by our virtues." ~ William Shakespeare All’s Well That Ends Well
I’ve been blogging now for just about two years. As I go back and reread all the entries, the emotions and events come flooding back and I am able to evaluate growth and weaknesses that I have experienced and to what extent I have changed. Change is an essential element to a better and emotionally healthy life. The process of life is to find purpose in the journey but more importantly to seek the joy that life offers. That can be so hard sometimes. We can easily be overwhelmed by our own expectations as well as cultural demands that others place on us. Balance is the key and one must never assume that once you’ve found it that it will always be there. The scales of life shift constantly and finding balance is always an ongoing process.
I have come at this very principle full throttle these last few days and I have had a tumultuous few weeks. Here’s what I am on about.
Winter just doesn’t want to leave us here in the Great White North. It’s May 2010 and we are still having weather warnings and winter storm warnings and it makes you wonder; is it ever going to end?
Lately, my life has felt like that. Just when I thought I had all the doubts licked they are plaguing me again and I have to bind myself is all the positive energy I can muster and purge the “what ifs”. The oxymoron here is I have never had the kind of happiness I have experienced these past few months ever in my life so I find myself in near utter confusion. How can someone be so happy and be stalked by doubt. I’m not saying doubt in my new life but the kind of doubt that reaches deep within your soul that makes you wonder if everything you have accomplished emotionally is really just a house of cards ready to fall down. Do others have moments like this?
I know where my fears lie. The “what if’s” are stalking me and I am doing all that I can do eliminate them from my thought processes. I had this under control and “out of control” it turns me into something I am not content with. Yikes, I need to find the strength that pulled me through these last few years and understand new life as compared to old life. The consoling part of this equation is that I know I have it in me, I know I can rise above this. I know it’s there.
I can give you all the reasons why my life became unbalanced again but lets suffice it to say that I let the opinions of others get under my emotional skin. I may not ever measure up to some but that’s not important because measuring up to myself is much more valuable and knowing who I am helps tremendously with that. Maybe I started to loss sight of that. Maybe I let the door open to the doubt. Goodness knows I have had that lesson taught to me a bazillion times.
So last night as I was talking to my wonderful, beautiful, accepting and cherished new husband and he was again showing immense patience at the incongruity of my thoughts he said the most amazing thing and just like that, I got it. Wow, I can’t even describe the feeling I had as I realized that as crazy as I sounded he understood and without criticizing we found a solution together. He in turn spoke to his anxieties and the back and forth of emotional acceptance and understanding began melting me more into love with him, as if that could even be possible, more in love, and yet I was.
“It is an uneasy lot at best, to be what we call highly taught and yet not to enjoy: to be present at this great spectacle of life and never to be liberated from a small hungry shivering self--never to be fully possessed by the glory we behold, never to have our consciousness rapturously transformed into the vividness of a thought, the ardor of a passion, the energy of an action, but always to be scholarly and uninspired, ambitious and timid, scrupulous and dim-sighted.”
~ George Elliot – Middlemarch
When you spend a good portion of your life with the paradigm of fault being the constant reference getting out of that rut can be a bit of a process. I would be remiss if I didn’t fully acknowledge healing and growth and wonder at a new and better life. Today, I said to my beautiful sister, that W was easy as a husband. That’s neither a fault nor a put down. W is easy because he loves fully, forgives easily and expects only what he gives. When he’s mad, you know, when he’s happy, he’s infectious and when he loves, it makes you feel safe. For so many years, all I ever wanted was to feel safe. Each day I am greeted by a text or a phone call and it is from my BEST FRIEND. Through out the day we text and call and in the evening, he is generally the last person I speak to. I never grow tired of his jokes or his words of advice or encouragement and I love his patience with me. He’s says I tell him 10 times I am going to do something before I actually get it done but that I do get it done eventually. I love that once is all I have to ask so I need to be careful what I ask for.
Now, please don’t assume that this new life of mine is all roses and cream. We are getting used to each other and the main difference is in the effort. W isn’t perfect and I am even farther from it but we know that, we actually get that and we find such humor in the kerfuffle’s that we find ourselves in. The other day, we went for a ride to Waterton Park. We had finished and the shortest way home was to turn left. The unknown was right and a much farther drive. As I was sitting there, I turned to him and asked, want to go on an adventure? Sure enough, the answer was yes. That’s what I love most about him. The adventure!
I’ve been blogging now for just about two years. As I go back and reread all the entries, the emotions and events come flooding back and I am able to evaluate growth and weaknesses that I have experienced and to what extent I have changed. Change is an essential element to a better and emotionally healthy life. The process of life is to find purpose in the journey but more importantly to seek the joy that life offers. That can be so hard sometimes. We can easily be overwhelmed by our own expectations as well as cultural demands that others place on us. Balance is the key and one must never assume that once you’ve found it that it will always be there. The scales of life shift constantly and finding balance is always an ongoing process.
I have come at this very principle full throttle these last few days and I have had a tumultuous few weeks. Here’s what I am on about.
Winter just doesn’t want to leave us here in the Great White North. It’s May 2010 and we are still having weather warnings and winter storm warnings and it makes you wonder; is it ever going to end?
Lately, my life has felt like that. Just when I thought I had all the doubts licked they are plaguing me again and I have to bind myself is all the positive energy I can muster and purge the “what ifs”. The oxymoron here is I have never had the kind of happiness I have experienced these past few months ever in my life so I find myself in near utter confusion. How can someone be so happy and be stalked by doubt. I’m not saying doubt in my new life but the kind of doubt that reaches deep within your soul that makes you wonder if everything you have accomplished emotionally is really just a house of cards ready to fall down. Do others have moments like this?
I know where my fears lie. The “what if’s” are stalking me and I am doing all that I can do eliminate them from my thought processes. I had this under control and “out of control” it turns me into something I am not content with. Yikes, I need to find the strength that pulled me through these last few years and understand new life as compared to old life. The consoling part of this equation is that I know I have it in me, I know I can rise above this. I know it’s there.
I can give you all the reasons why my life became unbalanced again but lets suffice it to say that I let the opinions of others get under my emotional skin. I may not ever measure up to some but that’s not important because measuring up to myself is much more valuable and knowing who I am helps tremendously with that. Maybe I started to loss sight of that. Maybe I let the door open to the doubt. Goodness knows I have had that lesson taught to me a bazillion times.
So last night as I was talking to my wonderful, beautiful, accepting and cherished new husband and he was again showing immense patience at the incongruity of my thoughts he said the most amazing thing and just like that, I got it. Wow, I can’t even describe the feeling I had as I realized that as crazy as I sounded he understood and without criticizing we found a solution together. He in turn spoke to his anxieties and the back and forth of emotional acceptance and understanding began melting me more into love with him, as if that could even be possible, more in love, and yet I was.
“It is an uneasy lot at best, to be what we call highly taught and yet not to enjoy: to be present at this great spectacle of life and never to be liberated from a small hungry shivering self--never to be fully possessed by the glory we behold, never to have our consciousness rapturously transformed into the vividness of a thought, the ardor of a passion, the energy of an action, but always to be scholarly and uninspired, ambitious and timid, scrupulous and dim-sighted.”
~ George Elliot – Middlemarch
When you spend a good portion of your life with the paradigm of fault being the constant reference getting out of that rut can be a bit of a process. I would be remiss if I didn’t fully acknowledge healing and growth and wonder at a new and better life. Today, I said to my beautiful sister, that W was easy as a husband. That’s neither a fault nor a put down. W is easy because he loves fully, forgives easily and expects only what he gives. When he’s mad, you know, when he’s happy, he’s infectious and when he loves, it makes you feel safe. For so many years, all I ever wanted was to feel safe. Each day I am greeted by a text or a phone call and it is from my BEST FRIEND. Through out the day we text and call and in the evening, he is generally the last person I speak to. I never grow tired of his jokes or his words of advice or encouragement and I love his patience with me. He’s says I tell him 10 times I am going to do something before I actually get it done but that I do get it done eventually. I love that once is all I have to ask so I need to be careful what I ask for.
Now, please don’t assume that this new life of mine is all roses and cream. We are getting used to each other and the main difference is in the effort. W isn’t perfect and I am even farther from it but we know that, we actually get that and we find such humor in the kerfuffle’s that we find ourselves in. The other day, we went for a ride to Waterton Park. We had finished and the shortest way home was to turn left. The unknown was right and a much farther drive. As I was sitting there, I turned to him and asked, want to go on an adventure? Sure enough, the answer was yes. That’s what I love most about him. The adventure!
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing-JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
And she thought no one was listening.
–author unknown
Did you ever wake up in the morning and think that just once; you would like to make it through the day with only the positive and productive aspects being recognized. I struggle for reasons best left unwritten with focusing on what I do right rather than wrong and there are some days when everyone around me seems to be focusing on what I don’t do as well. I have learned to not rely on others for the building of esteem but wow, sometimes, it just sucks to be walking my path.
I believe that your heart can be the answer to your journey’s correct navigation. Looking within and figuring out just where it stands can make a humongous difference in befalling to a pity party and just feeling the sting of an unhappy connection.
So, what am I on about?
Life’s is full of lemons, trying to hide from it just isn’t the best game play to a beautiful journey. Case in point.
For ever I have felt tremendous guilt over the lives my children had for a major portion of their growing up years. Why didn’t I do something sooner, why was I such a coward and was there anything I could have done to change things? Reality is that I was as equally stuck between a rock and a hard place as they were and thousands of dollars spent both inside and out of LDS Counseling has helped me to understand that.
I am now learning the social awareness of boundaries and owning what is mine to own and what isn’t and along the way I disappoint my kids sometimes. Let me explain in the only way I know how; stories.
Mom or Grandma L to others had many sayings that defined the philosophies of life she best ascribed to provident living. You know, “Don’t throw stones in glass houses”, and the famous one of “loving you more”. I never appreciated her life lessons and the way in which she taught them until well after she had gone. I can hardly wait to thank her when the time comes because even now her words resonate in my heart and I am able to find the path best suited for the situations I find myself in.
On with the story; when I was seventeen and spoiled, self absorbed and thinking I was all that and then some, Mom taught me a lesson that until just recently I never fully appreciated. She and my Grandma P were going to Hawaii for spring break 79 and then some. Grandma had been diagnosed with colon cancer and was in need of away time, Grandpa P was in a full blown case of alcoholism because he wasn’t dealing very well with her cancer and the whole situation was pretty awful. I was in my last year of high school and was in a “holy than thou” state. The combination was lethal and yet Mom was so patient and knew that principle of stages and souls.
At the time I was in a very ridiculous relationship or should I say triangle with a good girl/bad girl twist, I being the good girl and he being very enamored with the bad girl and it was so on and off that even Enmax was complaining. Mom had tried on numerous occasions to try a help me see the light and had even pulled the “I don’t like him” card which very rarely happened, only twice that I can remember, go figure. Well, first love (I write that loosely because he was in no way that but back then I thought so) had decided to dump me just prior to spring break and Grad planning. I was devastated and heart broken and completely self absorbed in pity and Mom never once said “I told you so” she kind of just listened and consoled.
Well, I had a brilliant idea, take me to Hawaii with you, on short notice none the less, so that I could escape the embarrassment and heart ache of it all. Mom listened and said “NO”. Well, I didn’t think that was fair and so I complained some more and even threw a tantrum of monumental proportions and even then, “NO”! Well, how unfair was that. She left and I sulked. How could a mother do such a thing? We were the youngest and trustworthy so we were left to our own devices as she left for Hawaii and I mopped around and for a solid week remained ticked. Mom didn’t love me, she abandoned me at a time I needed her most and the selfish brat that I was never once thought about my beautiful, wonderful, amazing grandmother who was being taken to Hawaii to escape a pretty horrible situation to rest after cancer treatment. Yeah, I know, I was the epitome of a selfish spoiled rotten teenager brat!
That week, as I wrestled this heart ache alone I learned a lot about myself. An old boyfriend who had just gotten his mission call phoned and said he had heard that I might be free, was I up to a date. Well, suffice it to say I went and we reconnected into a warm and wonderful friendship and I learned that as self absorbed as I was at least I could see my heart and know that this time that I had alone to face the demons of a crappy ex-boyfriend and a healthy perspective on everything around me gave me wings to finally get out of myself and feel for the others around me. I wouldn’t say it happened all at once but Mom saying “NO” made me think that she wasn’t always going to fix everything for me, that sometimes I had to fix it myself.
Fast forward 30 plus years and put a whole lot of living into further perspective and now I can see the big picture of learning. That “NO” was monumental. That “NO” made me realize that you don’t always get what you want and that knowing the whole picture can help you feel for the needs of others around you. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for Mom. She told me through these days before she left for Hawaii that I would never understand why she was doing what she was doing until I had my own children. She was so right.
“No” is such a hard word for me. I hate saying it and more than that I hate following through with it but just as Mom knew that it was an essential tool for me in learning the big picture, I too feel very much the same. These past few months I have had to say it or follow through with actions that seem very hard. I hope that in time my kids, once they have kids of their own may find it in their hearts to understand why I say “NO” and how vital it is to their growing. I hope they will eventually see the reasons.
Another story, or for lack of a better word, analogy; that old mother bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. There are some that once pushed fly like no other, and then there are some that struggle and fall to the ground. Mom flies down but the danger is immense and she squawks and squawks and pushes until that baby bird finally tries and realizes it has wings and it rises up. Then there are some that it just takes a number of times and with each one there is danger.
I love my kids and guilt has stopped me from pushing them out of the emotional nest. I’m not talking about the physical leaving of my home. I am writing to the emotional nest and because that’s what I am working on I am feeling the sting of complaint. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done as a Mom and it is not an overnight job. This is what I am writing about when I wrote that after however many years I am still learning. Saying “NO” is the hardest thing I do with my kids and sometimes I fail miserably. I hope that they too, in time, will understand that my words and actions aren’t out of spite or disregard but love. I need them to stand on their own and they can’t do that if I keep saying yes.
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing-JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
And she thought no one was listening.
–author unknown
Did you ever wake up in the morning and think that just once; you would like to make it through the day with only the positive and productive aspects being recognized. I struggle for reasons best left unwritten with focusing on what I do right rather than wrong and there are some days when everyone around me seems to be focusing on what I don’t do as well. I have learned to not rely on others for the building of esteem but wow, sometimes, it just sucks to be walking my path.
I believe that your heart can be the answer to your journey’s correct navigation. Looking within and figuring out just where it stands can make a humongous difference in befalling to a pity party and just feeling the sting of an unhappy connection.
So, what am I on about?
Life’s is full of lemons, trying to hide from it just isn’t the best game play to a beautiful journey. Case in point.
For ever I have felt tremendous guilt over the lives my children had for a major portion of their growing up years. Why didn’t I do something sooner, why was I such a coward and was there anything I could have done to change things? Reality is that I was as equally stuck between a rock and a hard place as they were and thousands of dollars spent both inside and out of LDS Counseling has helped me to understand that.
I am now learning the social awareness of boundaries and owning what is mine to own and what isn’t and along the way I disappoint my kids sometimes. Let me explain in the only way I know how; stories.
Mom or Grandma L to others had many sayings that defined the philosophies of life she best ascribed to provident living. You know, “Don’t throw stones in glass houses”, and the famous one of “loving you more”. I never appreciated her life lessons and the way in which she taught them until well after she had gone. I can hardly wait to thank her when the time comes because even now her words resonate in my heart and I am able to find the path best suited for the situations I find myself in.
On with the story; when I was seventeen and spoiled, self absorbed and thinking I was all that and then some, Mom taught me a lesson that until just recently I never fully appreciated. She and my Grandma P were going to Hawaii for spring break 79 and then some. Grandma had been diagnosed with colon cancer and was in need of away time, Grandpa P was in a full blown case of alcoholism because he wasn’t dealing very well with her cancer and the whole situation was pretty awful. I was in my last year of high school and was in a “holy than thou” state. The combination was lethal and yet Mom was so patient and knew that principle of stages and souls.
At the time I was in a very ridiculous relationship or should I say triangle with a good girl/bad girl twist, I being the good girl and he being very enamored with the bad girl and it was so on and off that even Enmax was complaining. Mom had tried on numerous occasions to try a help me see the light and had even pulled the “I don’t like him” card which very rarely happened, only twice that I can remember, go figure. Well, first love (I write that loosely because he was in no way that but back then I thought so) had decided to dump me just prior to spring break and Grad planning. I was devastated and heart broken and completely self absorbed in pity and Mom never once said “I told you so” she kind of just listened and consoled.
Well, I had a brilliant idea, take me to Hawaii with you, on short notice none the less, so that I could escape the embarrassment and heart ache of it all. Mom listened and said “NO”. Well, I didn’t think that was fair and so I complained some more and even threw a tantrum of monumental proportions and even then, “NO”! Well, how unfair was that. She left and I sulked. How could a mother do such a thing? We were the youngest and trustworthy so we were left to our own devices as she left for Hawaii and I mopped around and for a solid week remained ticked. Mom didn’t love me, she abandoned me at a time I needed her most and the selfish brat that I was never once thought about my beautiful, wonderful, amazing grandmother who was being taken to Hawaii to escape a pretty horrible situation to rest after cancer treatment. Yeah, I know, I was the epitome of a selfish spoiled rotten teenager brat!
That week, as I wrestled this heart ache alone I learned a lot about myself. An old boyfriend who had just gotten his mission call phoned and said he had heard that I might be free, was I up to a date. Well, suffice it to say I went and we reconnected into a warm and wonderful friendship and I learned that as self absorbed as I was at least I could see my heart and know that this time that I had alone to face the demons of a crappy ex-boyfriend and a healthy perspective on everything around me gave me wings to finally get out of myself and feel for the others around me. I wouldn’t say it happened all at once but Mom saying “NO” made me think that she wasn’t always going to fix everything for me, that sometimes I had to fix it myself.
Fast forward 30 plus years and put a whole lot of living into further perspective and now I can see the big picture of learning. That “NO” was monumental. That “NO” made me realize that you don’t always get what you want and that knowing the whole picture can help you feel for the needs of others around you. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for Mom. She told me through these days before she left for Hawaii that I would never understand why she was doing what she was doing until I had my own children. She was so right.
“No” is such a hard word for me. I hate saying it and more than that I hate following through with it but just as Mom knew that it was an essential tool for me in learning the big picture, I too feel very much the same. These past few months I have had to say it or follow through with actions that seem very hard. I hope that in time my kids, once they have kids of their own may find it in their hearts to understand why I say “NO” and how vital it is to their growing. I hope they will eventually see the reasons.
Another story, or for lack of a better word, analogy; that old mother bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. There are some that once pushed fly like no other, and then there are some that struggle and fall to the ground. Mom flies down but the danger is immense and she squawks and squawks and pushes until that baby bird finally tries and realizes it has wings and it rises up. Then there are some that it just takes a number of times and with each one there is danger.
I love my kids and guilt has stopped me from pushing them out of the emotional nest. I’m not talking about the physical leaving of my home. I am writing to the emotional nest and because that’s what I am working on I am feeling the sting of complaint. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done as a Mom and it is not an overnight job. This is what I am writing about when I wrote that after however many years I am still learning. Saying “NO” is the hardest thing I do with my kids and sometimes I fail miserably. I hope that they too, in time, will understand that my words and actions aren’t out of spite or disregard but love. I need them to stand on their own and they can’t do that if I keep saying yes.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Fortitude in Times that Challenge Us
“Perfect wisdom has four parts, viz., wisdom, the principle of doing things aright; justice, the principle of doing things equally in public and private; fortitude, the principle of not flying danger, but meeting it; and temperance, the principle of subduing desires and living moderately.” ~ Plato
life has a way of getting in the way of blogging. I have been so busy with so much that I have failed at finding the time to write. By doing so I have not had the chance to purge the feelings that build up and then, I have a harder time figuring out the pathways I should take. I so often find that as I type the words the layers of my concerns settle and I have an easier time of seeing things for as they really are. Lesson learned.
It was a hard month and many choices were presented and decisions had to be made. More boundaries had to be placed and more feelings worked through and in the end, I still am not sure I ever do the right thing I know I follow the consciousness of my heart and head.
The cancellation process has started and is now in the hands of leaders and the ex. I have been exercising more faith than I ever have in my life and prayer seems the only form of peace. I spoke with someone today who needed to understand my past to help me with the future. It was interesting because even as I type it my paradigm has come near full circle. As much as the truth is subjective it simply doesn't matter anymore to prove anything to anyone. Time has a way of showing character and bad deeds are never rewarded. I have such a full and beautiful life and for that, I am most grateful.
As W and I continue on in our marriage and life throws us inevitable curve balls it astounds me at how important trusted and respectful communication can enhance our marriage. I Love this man so much, I would walk through any obstacle to be with him because in the end, his love completes me. I am most grateful for that.
It's funny how much I have come to understand myself and my own weaknesses. What's even more telling is how little afraid I am of them. I still have issues with others judging me but I think that's a universal concern and the best way to resolve it is to simply to my best to never pass judgement.
It has been a hard month but a growing month and goodness knows I still have a lot to learn.
I still love this journey and needed to just let you all know.
life has a way of getting in the way of blogging. I have been so busy with so much that I have failed at finding the time to write. By doing so I have not had the chance to purge the feelings that build up and then, I have a harder time figuring out the pathways I should take. I so often find that as I type the words the layers of my concerns settle and I have an easier time of seeing things for as they really are. Lesson learned.
It was a hard month and many choices were presented and decisions had to be made. More boundaries had to be placed and more feelings worked through and in the end, I still am not sure I ever do the right thing I know I follow the consciousness of my heart and head.
The cancellation process has started and is now in the hands of leaders and the ex. I have been exercising more faith than I ever have in my life and prayer seems the only form of peace. I spoke with someone today who needed to understand my past to help me with the future. It was interesting because even as I type it my paradigm has come near full circle. As much as the truth is subjective it simply doesn't matter anymore to prove anything to anyone. Time has a way of showing character and bad deeds are never rewarded. I have such a full and beautiful life and for that, I am most grateful.
As W and I continue on in our marriage and life throws us inevitable curve balls it astounds me at how important trusted and respectful communication can enhance our marriage. I Love this man so much, I would walk through any obstacle to be with him because in the end, his love completes me. I am most grateful for that.
It's funny how much I have come to understand myself and my own weaknesses. What's even more telling is how little afraid I am of them. I still have issues with others judging me but I think that's a universal concern and the best way to resolve it is to simply to my best to never pass judgement.
It has been a hard month but a growing month and goodness knows I still have a lot to learn.
I still love this journey and needed to just let you all know.