To a Year!

It's been a year, and when I think about it I can scarcely think that it has gone by so fast. Last new year's eve, all I could feel is heartache and loss. Every Scotsman's blood running through me dreaded that what happened was an omen to what 2011 would bring. Rocky has been gone a year and so much right has come that I have had to completely rethink that omen.

Every Christmas season the letters come, you know the ones. Some full of the lives of your friends, the "Cleavers", you know the family - the perfect family, then there's the ones from the "Cranks", full of the struggles and pains. I have often thought what a letter from our household would say. For quite a few years my sister and I would sit and crack ourselves up with what it would say. I think we laughed because in reality the pain was just so painful.

So I could write all about the great things that have happened through the year but all I am going to say is check the side of the blog and read whatever grabs your attention. The levels of this year have been less intense but there and mostly it's been good, great in fact. Ending with the births of my two loves, M and C. Mothers came through with flying colors and Dad's are good too. K2 and D are happy, healthy and loving life - all of those babies of mine are making me very proud.

W and I joke about the honeymoon being over but what it has become is a great relationship. He is my BEST FRIEND and we laugh, love and share our lives. We are going on a cruise in April, a great pic adventure. I look forward to so many travels with that man. He has redefined so much for me and when life gets tough he gets to a place where he lifts me and I can't tell you just how much it means to be supported. I have no idea where I would be without him, he is a blessing in my life.

So here is my hope for 2012.

First that if it is the end of the world year - at least I want and will have another great and fulfilling year. Freedom from constraints and having an open mind has been so good for me. I have no worries over this because even if it is, God and I are on good terms.

Building on my social circle - finding new friends not confined to faith and reestablishing those friendships that were constrained by faith before. Love meeting new people and this new life affords so many new possibilities.

My new years resolution - Making sure that I bring good energy when I enter rooms. This will be tough, I can sometimes be a Debbie downer so I have promised myself to see the positive of everything first, as best I can and become that person who doesn't complain.

Continuing to build a repaired and happy family and loss the past completely. I care sometimes about it and it needs to be forgotten. It happened, it's over and even though it still is a part of us it can be put aside and should be.

Hopefully find some kind of resolution for the temple cancellation that doesn't involve completely walking away. This is going to take courage and I will work on it.

House train Missy - this may be the toughest quest of all for 2012. Wish us luck.

The Gift of a Voice



Tonight, we shared our holiday with family. It was a lovely evening. The food was wonderful, the company even more delightful and when it was done and we were all sitting around, conversing over the advantages to capitalism verses socialism I edged my way over to another side of the room.

They was my beautiful niece, achin over the loss of our mother/grandmother. This is the time of year when we miss her most. The conversation moved along to the memories, the times we miss the most, things she did or said that were so funny.

The M asked if we wanted to hear her voice. I forgot we had that. K1 said yes and then it happened. M pushed the play button and there it was, her voice. She was describing her life, her history, her parents and grandparents. It was as if she was in the room sharing her life with all of us. She was every bit there and she was felt.

She would have loved the evening. SHe would have loved that we were together and that we were celebrating Christmas.

Her voice was a gift  A Christmas gift.

Thanks M. Thank-you!

Christmas Eve!

 

"Love so easily understands what you can see is the smallest part;

you don't need Christmas in your hands when you have Christmas in your heart."

~ Anonymous

It's 7:30 Am and the house is somewhat still. I can hear D's movie looping in the basement on his supersonic audio set up and I just moved A up to Grandpa's room so I can type without bothering him, the puppies are back in the kennel as they had quite the night and I am happier and more content in the role I take the greatest pride in, that of a homemaker.

I love my family, all of them, warts and all in a way that can only be described as obsessive. I am their warrior, their siren song and this time of year they are my hope and salvation. I love the clutter and the mess and I love all of them sooo much.

As GL used to say - we put the FUN in dysFUNction. Would you want it any other way!

Merry Christmas Everyone!





Define Crazy

“Sometimes it's to your advantage

for people to think you're crazy”

~ Thelonious Monk

What I would give for one take back. For a chance to take back time and change one act, one moment so that the exposed nerve never resurfaced ever again. What is it? It's the time in my life I caved, I checked out because I was helpless and couldn't think of a way to surface, to breath and to take back the happiness I and my kids deserved. Too many people suffered, too many people hurt.

I remember the choice, I remember thinking if I just checked out it might just all go away. Here's a little tid bit for those contemplating checking out. All the crap you think will disappear because you are ignoring it just gets worse, really, really bad, because unlike a plant that when no one nourishes it dies, dysfunction thrives on avoidance.

So, today the word "crazy" came out again. One, that when I use it feels harmless but when others use it to refer to me brings back so many bad memories I can't even describe the ache.

I was told that no one could have survived unscathed from the dysfunction of my past life. My Dr told me that I used the caving as a coping mechanism and that in time those that I failed would understand. I can't tell you what it feels like to have disappointed the ones you love. It took and still is taking a long time to forgive myself and all I ca hope for is that they will eventually forgive me.

Here's the Achilles heel though. Your breakdown is a weakness that lives forever inside you and becomes a mental default that you fight. You recognize the signs and the struggles that trigger the response and you fight with all the mental power you have inside you to not default to the easy road down because God knows the road up is monumental in comparison.

I think these last few weeks of work and the sheer disappointment of the compensation I received has triggered the failure response. That coupled with the social suicide of leaving the church has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have in years. I know my kids are watching me and I know they're afraid. W has only heard about it but he is to me the exact opposite to what I had with M. W cares, enough said.

So what do I do? Christmas approaches. As hard as I worked this year apparently it wasn't enough to warrant any kind of even an average compensation. I have been advised by quite a few to just let them, my company, know just how disappointed I am by working to rule, simply punching the clock and working at normal speed. I guess I was mistaken to believe the "bringing value to the company" with over 180 drills between the 2 areas I was in only counts if they like you. Apparently I pissed off the wrong people. So giving up some my my Fridays off to keep up to the 4 running rigs just was status quo and not an above average level of commitment. It's defeating to think since I even worked thru some holidays that I could have spent with my family. It wont happen again, I have learned my lesson but it still has hurt me, defeated me and I need to overcome the disappointment.

I came out of the cave once before, I will come out again, faster and more resolved to thrive.

A wise women once told me " people will disappoint you". She was right, I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Me thinks......

Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

It is the courage to continue that counts.

~ Winston Churchill

Rocks and a hard place; that’s what Mom used to call those times when you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For the most part, my life has been relatively clear of these scenarios but something happened yesterday that basically caught me off guard. I am a bit perplexed as to how to respond.

There was a woman in the ward I used to go to. We had kids that were all born around the same time. My kids were in her kids classes at church and at school and they couldn’t have been more opposite to each other. For the most part it didn’t matter. The differences were significant enough that socially they really didn’t have much to do with each other and outside of some snarky opinions they existed non combatively for many years.

When I left M this woman and her husband took a side, unabashedly so. I took a high road and shared little or nothing about the details of the divorce with anyone outside of my circle of friends. They, her husband and she weren’t the nicest and for the most part I just went about my business. I knew they had a strong opinion of me and I know that on two different occasions those within my circle had to address their opinions as being incorrect as their only frame of reference was M.

I don’t have to rehash in words how difficult church was for me, especially my ward. The pain and the words are in previous blog posts. I had become reticent to my cultural standing and once the perfect storm played out I became inactive out of a need for emotional sanity in my life.

It’s been over a year now and life has changed so much for me. I am less stressed and more self confident. I am happy and content and more at peace with a God who loves me because I am me and not because I can follow a set of doctrines more in line with control and abuse then what this living is all about. I am more spiritual and more loving and I am real for the first time in my life. I still have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and still believe that much of the principles that were taught were correct. Some, I don’t and for that reason I can not reconcile activity. A church that holds polygamy as a strong tenant is not one I want to be a part of. Currently I am being forced to live in it spiritually and for that reason and others I have chosen to walk away.

So, what am I on about?

I received a letter yesterday; A heartfelt two pager. It was well written and concise and sincere. In it she expressed how she felt about me over the years and how my absence at church was felt. She was asking me to come back and said that the only way to heal was there, at church. And the unintentional control played out. The verbiage of every LDS person who feels and thinks that the only happiness that anyone can have is at the church, and then assigns that belief to others unknowingly expressing the opinion that whoever hears it couldn’t possibly be happy outside of it’s proverbial walls. The last sentence she wrote in the letter, though I know she meant so well, lost me. Healing isn’t there; at church, it never was and one person reaching out doesn’t make me trust most of the ward that felt behooved to have me know I was worthless in the gospel sense.

What is a girl to do?

I have fashioned many a thank-you note in my time, some of the apologies I needed to have written were, and then sent. I am free of the grip of a culture that never wanted me in the first place. How can I ever explain that yes, all those testimonies I bore were sincere and even to this day, I LOVE THE GOSPEL ….. Of Jesus Christ and admire the intentions of the LDS faith but there are some doctrines I cannot abide and some issues with the history that can never be made right.

Had the open and honest history of the church been taught I may have made it through but it wasn’t and I was an accomplice to those teachings. And the final and mitigating truth that sealed the exodus for me was to not allow the conversation or the choice of discontinuing my sealing to M and forcing me into a polygamous sealing. That is wrong and gender bias. Women in the church, though time and time again on the general conference pupil, are referenced to as equal and important to the Lord, are not and what I know to be true is the actions of the doctrines speak otherwise.

A woman should have the choice to live under the sealing of her parents and not be forced to remain sealed to a man proven abusive. I remain sealed, not by choice. Walk in my shoes and then you might have a little enlightenment to my heart and soul. All I have asked for is the final and emotional closure for my entire family to a man who remains set in his judgment of all of us be allowed. Is that so much to ask?

I hold a deep respect to the LDS faith. I love meeting and knowing those who live it purely without judgment of others and who understands the Savior’s plan in a more real and deeper way. These people are the ones that stop me from being flippant or aggressive in an ANTI way of thinking. I love and respect them and for that reason alone I remain respectful. I find the noisier members who complain of my Facebook friends or my associations to active MORMON groups (NOM, Feminist Mormon Housewives, etc.) within the Facebook environment are usually the least tolerant and more judgmental members. Even my own twin refuses to speak or acknowledge me because he feels I am weak and gave up too easily. (That would need an entire blog post to address.)

I have no idea how to respond to the letter. I am not angry or hurt or even think that she hasn’t the right to address me but I have nothing further to add to my returning to the “fold”. Yep, I was offended and for over 5 years I tried and I am not willing nor do I have a desire to go back. I do not reference myself as Mormon; I don’t even call myself ex unless it is referenced to not attending anymore.

The opposite of love is indifference and I am very much indifferent to the church as a whole and yet, to the specific individuals that felt so inclined to harass me or treat me disrespectfully I only hold contempt. These people are usually the ones blowing their horns so loudly about being Mormon that no one around them can be heard. I would even hazard to say I may have been one of those at one time.

My life now is very full and rich with an abundance of blessings. I am a family person and my family is very important to me. A church isn’t going to declare it invalid because I don’t have an active sealing to them. The God I know and love would in NO WAY deny that family connection because an ordinance was performed. He is not so unfair as to leave it to a handful of pious individuals to insure all have it; No way, no how.

I have no disagreement to the letter, I am not offended. I let go of the pain and hurt of the treatment given me by members a while back. My emotional and spiritual health has never been better and I am truly at peace with my MAKER. I appreciate her words and I acknowledge that road was a two way street. But I am done and happy because I am done.

If you could hear my words you would hear singing because when it comes to these issues the fat lady is in fact belting out a tune.

Yes, it is over because the fat lady is singing.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha

My code of ethics is simple. I remain and always will be a child of my Heavenly parents and as any parent does they have expectations of me here on earth that I have every intention of meeting  them.
I will be kind to others, I will respect others and things and I will always find in myself reasons for happiness and in the sharing of it. Judgment is only at THEIR – my heavenly parents hands, and that is where my life’s wisdom rests, For now; because life is always evolving and my mind and heart will always remain open for change.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. 

It's not. 

~Dr. Seuss

Lessons come to us in so many different ways and on so many different levels. We may hear something and it doesn't even register but then a significant event occurs and our mind is drawn back to the words and we think, "yes, that's what that meant!" and we learn and we grow.

So my reading partner brought a lesson to me this week that I would love to share.

We were talking about people and Christmas and how it is celebrated in Japan. Though there is no connection to any Christian celebration there, what the holiday is about is family and being together. She then spoke about the Japanese/Chinese symbol for human and how it is drawn and what it's meaning is. I was moved. To such basic and complete brush strokes of ink comes a whole and meaningful definition of the human condition. WOW!

So what does it mean? Can you guess?

The brush strokes indicate the need for humans to support humanity (each other). Two swipes of the quill and there you have it, in a nut shell. A Utopian thought to the human condition.

I love symbolism and metaphors. Like the parables of the Savior and how the guts of the gospel are brought to it's most simplistic form in their verses. Yet, time and time again it's missed or forgotten or out right ignored.

For humanity, for a culture, for even a family, the ultimate truism to its basic condition is "do we support each other". I don't mean in wrong either. Someone can be right off their rocker and supporting doesn't always mean agreement or enabling. Support can just be about a smile or a kind thought or caring - even in a tough love kind of way.

I know that when people come together and truly become each others wall to lean on great things can be accomplished.

I pledge to be that for the ones I love the most. I will be that person who truly supports each person in the best way I know how.

And, at the end of the day, as a woman of great wisdom told me (JOY), "if all they say about you is that you cared too much, gave too much, loved too much, is it really that bad?"

David O. McKay spoke about the success of life and how nothing can make up or being considered success if there is failure in the home. How do you measure a successful home. Some might say mine failed, miserably but I disagree.

The measure of my family comes to play when I am staring into the eyes of my beautiful Grandsons and they giggle. It's seeing those beautiful boys look so lovingly into their mother's eyes and all you witness is the bond of motherhood. It's when K2 and D become the awesome auntie and uncle and when we gather and laugh at the dysfunction that we left behind.

Success is in what I have now. In the survival and renewal and in the redefining of family.

It is us, now, finally!




Good People

It's that time again. It's the time when every sentiment of heartfelt emotion is tugged at by overzealous comericals and Hallmark Hall of Fame movies that inevitably make you sob like a baby. Between American Thanksgiving and Christmas every move you make in any direction turns you to a spirit of giving and can sometimes be so over done that the true meaning of why we give can get lost.

I love the made for TV movies, especially Hallmark's and how they remind me of the emotions and love that bind us by whatever definition we choose to call a family. These movies and all the other ways I am reminded of Christmas help me to know that emotion and tears and love are all good and meant to be the driving force that brings us to what this season was always supposed to be about. Family.

I remember a lesson my mother taught me when I was very young about the Christmas season and about giving and about people. I was home sick from school one day and when I came downstairs there were quite a few woman wrapping all sorts of gifts and filling stockings and chatting and laughing. I was little enough to still believe in Santa and I think almost right away Mom recognized my internal conflict.

She took me aside and gave me another one of those amazing life lessons. It wasn't some hokey tale about Santa's helpers or some made up mumbo jumbo about elf's, it was real and it was about poverty and "good people" who reach out and help. Mom was part of a club that reached out to families in need, a group of women not tied to any organization, just friends, who gathered together and gave in a ton of different ways. I remember the faces of the women there, the women I have admired all my life. Some are still at church, some aren't but all of them had hearts of gold and gave not because it was legislated but because it was right.

That was the first time Mom taught me about "good people". She taught me that coming from "good people" didn't automatically make you one. That giving wasn't the only qualification but that your heart had to be involved and not your pride. She taught me to recognize them and to become one. All these lessons have shaped me into the person I am today.

I grew up and for along time I thought "good people" really only were in the church. That has changed so much now, especially in that I see so many where I work and in my daily interactions. I love Christmas for so many reasons and seeing and feeling the hearts of good people is one of them.

To Conquer

It's really late or early depending your perspective and I have come off of one of the most difficult health weeks I have had in ions of time. A twisted ovary and to top it, caught Norovirus sometime either before during or after my 2 day visit to the hospital.

I can't begin to tell you how humbling it can be to be in extreme pain and voiding from well everywhere including tears. I called uncle in a big way and I am for the most part starting to feel sub human.

I have a huge exam this coming week and an assignment due for my photography courses. Well, I may fail my first class in a very long time. I can't help but not care, I am too tired to even think about it.

I just was checking in - letting you'll know I am still breathing and moving.

Updates to the exciting planning for Christmas and the gathering - yes, we are gathering - my babies and I will be together!! That's what got me through this this last week and what is making me smile when it's the last thing I want to do.



This Above All

This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

~ Hamlet, Shakespeare

How do you define integrity, is it to yourself, to others or in every aspect of who you are? I am learning the lessons of integrity. I am also learning to understand myself and my new found faith in things much broader and more universal than I ever imagined.

Incidents happen that jolt me and it is when this happens that I realize just how far I have come and how what used to be drama filled for me now has become a blip on the radar screen. It could and probably would be interpreted as "past feeling" but in every real way I am feeling more that I ever though possible.

It came to my attention this week that there are some who feel that my words are an attack against the church. It was funny, in my old life something like that would have thrown me for a loop but what I did was read back all my blog posts and really study what it is my words are saying. I can see on two instances where I did breach the doctrine and in both cases it was an emotional post. One, in being denied the cancellation and the second, in learning of the method of translation of the BOM. In all other cases my words attached the behavior of people.

So it is here I ask the question, is calling attention to the behavior of members attacking the church? My sista says in members eyes and hearts "yes".

So, my question then is, if someone treats someone horribly and the offended person speaks to it, in the mere vocalizing the pain this attacks all? I find that if the culture itself can excuse the behavior and hide behind the doctrine as excuse for accountability who then can make anyone accountable?

So my words are to blame for the ostracizing. OK, I am willing to own that, it's actually nice to know why but who owns the spiritual bullying? Is disagreeing with the way people treat each other worthy of shunning? I guess if you are Mormon, the answer would be yes.

I think it's deeper, I think it resides more in fear. That's my gut instinct here.

I find this is where I see integrity blur. If you follow the edicts of the Mormon faith then how do you reconcile the brutality of the culture against some people? If you have an answer let me know, oh wait, if I remember correctly its all about forgiveness not accountability. It is for me to have continued to endure Sunday's and continually seek a forgiving heart for those who PURPOSEFULLY set out to judge and hurt and not about a change in behavior, EVER.

Yup, I wanna be there for sure. The perfect storm happened. ow, when a member says the church doesn't currently practise polygamy I can't speak up and defend that statement false as I am currently in a polygamous marriage and have been denied the right to not be. By even writing the words I am anti and deserving of shunning. OK, I accept that, its the price I am willing to pay to be integral to my truth.

That's the definition of integrity - in accepting both good and bad to what we believe and if we can't then we must find our integrity. If it falls within the tenants of the Mormon faith I absolutely respect it. I am not about proving anyone wrong, that was and is not the intention of this blog. This blog is about my journey, my feelings, my life and when it's referenced to others as ANTI MORMON all I ask is that you have the integrity to call me so we can have a chat and I can explain that I have no offense to your truths, your beliefs and and your living of the Mormon faith then maybe we can find some resolution. What I ask is for the respect to see my life for what is now. Healed, strong and connected in every way to a GOD I very much believe in and to whom I trust LOVES everyone equally.

I am sorry that I have offended some of you, for doing so I apologise but I will not stop drawing attention to a culture that feels right with treating others disrespectfully if they differ or think differently. God judges, not a culture and when that is remembered you run into a Mormon so amazing you can't help but be impressed. I have met a few and for that reason I still have hope.

My sister in law is a perfect example.

So here is what I ask, instead of telling people I am ANTI MORMON call me so we can talk so you can really hear that I am not, that I respect faith and the living of it honorably. That's it, it's that easy. Oh wait, it's that easy if you want it to be.

To Matter

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the ups and downs of the living of it. Most of the time I feel pretty good about it all but there is a certain time of year that seems to always have me realize a deeper hurt and chasm of pain. Oct and Nov are difficult and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why.

Mom passed on Oct 4 and it brings back a pain that only those that have lost their Mom's understand. The second is my birthday. I can say why but its mute in point. I thought this year would be different but it wasn't and it was hard and it made me think about what it takes to matter, to be the kind of person that people care enough to remember and to matter enough to well, I don't know, just matter I guess.

My Mom mattered and when I tried to remember what her 50th birthday was like, I couldn't remember but what I do know is that the gift I gave her was her first grand daughter K1. I remember her telling me what a great late present it was. She had flown into TO and K1 wasn't in a hurry.

As i was in the midst of a self indulged pity party I started to think that maybe mattering is something that happens by simple and long running acts of caring and that it happens when the people you love start to understand because they have others in their lives who may not be making them matter. Mom used to say that your daughters/son will learn a new way of loving you when they have their own children, that has proven true.

So, what am I on about. 50 came and went - some remembered, some didn't and some redeemed themselves. With everything that is going wrong in my life I took it far to personally and I need to focus more on NOW and get through the difficult stuff like work and losing my faith and focus on getting to the point of mattering because if I wasn't there I would be missed.

That takes time and I have time. Time to love my kids even more unconditionally, to care even more about those precious grand babies and start trying to re-establish faith again and quit mourning the faith that didn't really care that much about me in the first place.

At the end of the day, everyone yearns to matter in the lives of others. I have learned to matter we need to be proactive. to make a difference in the lives of those we love by caring and eventually you will matter.... eventually you will.

 

M - R - J Oct 14 - 2011

My BBG # 3 asked the other day why I hadn't blogged about this precious little guy. I had and have a dozen times and every time I think I have it right I reread it and it just isn't. I don't know how to pen the way I feel about this little man and about being there the very moment he look his first breath. How can I, it was, for me, the most live changing thing I have been through in such a very long time.

BBG, my Mom and I talked about those moments. We talked about what it was like for her as I struggled through each pregnancy and birth and how helpless she felt. How I felt that day, that night and that morning as I watched you struggle and suffer and realised the moment you loved in a way you had never felt before.
I can't describe how I felt as M slept on the couch and you rested as the Dr provided the needed relief. You were laying there and the monitor was going and M's heart beat was beating over and over and there I was about to see the little man who was changing all of our lives for the better. It was just about then that you woke in such agony and pain, your epidural had gone dry.  I went out and asked for help and everyone was busy attending another woman's moment and as I felt helpless I felt her, I felt her like when I was walking with little C and she guided me to know exactly what to do and exactly what to say.
Did you know she was there, holding his hand as he readied to meet you.
That's why I haven't been able to blog about it sweetie, because from that moment until about a hour after M joined us she was there, she knew I needed her and she knew you did too. It is a moment in my life that I will cherish.

I will forever remember the gift little M brought that day.

Time, time with my Mom.

Dear God;

When my children were little I used to play on the piano a primary song that began with the simple phrase,

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?"

I was always surprised because for me, you always were. I have always had the faith in a greater being, in a God, who loved me and loved families and sent me to this amazing place. I have always felt lucky and incredibly blessed to belong to such an awesome family and extended group of beautiful, strong and hardworking women. My father, my Grandpa P and L, all of the men were strong and good examples as well. The only issue was that they weren't a part of a religion that I was. My mother taught me early on that it didn't matter, that it would all work out. That bode against what I was being taught  in church which was it wouldn't be, that they were lost because they had the truth exposed to them and they turned their backs. That didn't seem right either but nothing ever makes sense in the deeper doctrines because opinions wreck such havoc on them.

So why I am addressing You today God? Because of something my sister said today, my beautiful, smart, incredible sister. She attended the party I couldn't bring myself to go to and was asked, "Is S happy?" and she told me how she responded.

It made me think about everything that has never made sense to me when it came to being Momo and then it was like the light switch flicked on.

So what did she say?

She said that for all the years she has known me, 50 to be exact, she had never seen me happier. That's it, that's all because M isn't one to waste her words. She spoke everything I have felt, feel and hope. I am happier and more content and stronger and I wouldn't be here if I would have ever accepted the status quo of my past life.

So God, I don't think anymore it's all about absolutes. I think you love EVERYONE and not one faith has all the answers or rights to be with you. I am free of the prejudice of a faith that prides itself in being the ONLY true faith because I now know that there are so many other faiths and beliefs that bring all to You.

There won't be another faith for me, just a belief, a strong knowledge of YOUR unconditional love for me and for ALL people and things and so on in the beautiful world you have so graciously afforded me and all the others who have and will inhabit it.

For this last year I have grown and learned and expanded all that I know and I AM, TRULY AM, happier than I have ever been.

I have a great Life, hard sometimes but great.

Thank you Dear God, Thank you. Oh, and BTW - thanks for an amazing sista, and hold her close, she deserves it!

Temples Refined

When I get stressed and need those aha moments that make a deeper and more significant perspective come into play with me I head west and straight north to my favorite road - The Spray Lakes Trail. A logging road that winds it way through some of the most beautiful scenery you will ever see. It closes in a few weeks and I just wanted one more drive, to rethink, to destress and to know. When you are up there and you look in all directions you are absolutely reminded that there is a GOD and that he loves you. He/She gave us one hell of a playground to remind us of just how much we are loved.

Now it's about waiting a full 6 months for the playground to open again. Yikes that's a long wait.

And it All Came A Crumbling Down

Wow, life is hard sometimes and sometimes right when you can't afford it to happen, it implodes. You are not sure what the next best step is so you blindly move forward with a new found faith in yourself and the God you have so eloquently redefined into a broader and more accepting Deity. You move on with grace, you know the grace, the one barely spoken of in the religion of the 49 years of the beginning of your life. Oh yeah, and then the works part, the one that says all those road bumps has purpose but until you fix that damn road the journey you are on is always going to get you heart sick. This is where I turn myself into a road crew and figure out how to make it all smooth again.

I like smooth.

This last week was the week from hell. I made it through and I am not quite sure how but I did.

I'm okay, I really am OK.

My road took a bit of a detour - self imposed and now I am getting back on track. I managed to cut through some serious rock face and make it to the foothills again, I'll be back on my rolling prairie hills soon cus that flat like Sask road is to damn boring for me.

Have some work to do, some playing to do, some sadness to work through as a BBG left the nest and I am going to miss her and then I might do some cleaning so Grandpa doesn't have to share his room with all of my junk.

Damn life can be crazy sometimes, it's all worth it though, it's all worth it.

Lord, Grant me.....

I hate pity parties, I hate them. I am struggling, big time and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Even a weekend in Banff didn't cure the heartache and I just want to crawl under a rock.

I am tired and I want relief.

I hope that the sun shines for me again. I am happy, please don't think that I am not I am just tired of having to rise above judgment.

So, when it gets this bad, I start my days with the simple prayer, you know the one, Lord, grant me the serenity.....

...... what I need to remember is that as bad as I think I have it, there are others whose lives have far greater hardships, when I remember this I find the strength to buck up, I am bucking up.

A Transforming Heart

Two little men changed me. Little C and now, Little M. How do describe this feeling of being owned entirely in your heart by two little guys. They came in slowly and it happened, that same moment I laid eyes on each one, that calmness; a serenity of sorts that says everything you worked through, all those years of raising your kids and the ball is passed and you see it and you see that it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

I love my children so much and after going through K3's labor with her I was so proud of her strength and her fortitude. Witnessing birth from that different vantage point was paradigm shifting. I love what my girls are becoming. Seeing Aunt K3 and Uncle Boo and what these little men have transformed us into makes me know the healing is complete. Our Family is growing in such a beautiful way. 

What's a Girl to Do.

I feel like crying, more than I should at this time for more reasons than I choose to mention. I hate conundrums and I hate indecision because most of all I OVER ANALYZE everything and get caught up in an emotional loop that never ever ever ends well.

Two things.

Firstly - a new boss who we will say is not like the new old boss. I thought long and hard before I changed jobs in my new company but I knew that as hard as I worked I was not ever going to be able to ever change the mind of the senior bosses to my value to that team. I had too many obstacles to hurdle to changes minds that were preset. A new job came forward with a manager I great admired, working with a team that had a great reputation. I applied, I went through the interview process and then got the new job... for six months in heaven. I was part of a productive hard working team and felt appreciated for the first time in nearly 4 years.

A shift in boundaries resulted in a change of management. A new boss. It has been very different. The team remains hard working and productive yet now, it seems unappreciated. I feel like I am stepping back in time and the hardship of carrying the animosity of a negative workplace is back home again. I am drowning in over analyzing of what I can do to make this boss see that I do try, that I am good at what I do. Those that have seen the difference tell me the issues aren't mine to own. The management style is different and the skills in the process of learning. I hate being in this position. It is so hard to want to be there everyday.

Second - A call from K my sister-in-law. It's about a party, a shared birthday with a brother who refuses to acknowledge me and a request. A night shared; a story about said brother, and partying with all the "friends" from church who I haven't heard from in almost a year. It was left in a message at work. It was hard to hear. What do I do?

CRY!

I have no idea how to make my life find a path that isn't riddled with the pain that comes from the judgment around me. I live in the moment and hope for the peace promised to those that do, but there are times when I feel I can never escape my own insecurities.

Time to buck up and meet the challenges of the days.

Wish me luck that I can make the right choices and rise above my own fears.

The Act of Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

It was just about a year ago today that my world curved. Today I say grace for those who have stood by and for whom my words, my thoughts and my actions pass. I may not have an abundance of friends but those I do have both in my family and out matter so much to me. I am forever grateful for the sifting of my life and for what was left over I am truly blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Now, we go enjoy the day!



Dear Mom

“Promise me you'll never forget me

because if I thought you would

I'd never leave.”

~ Winnie the Pooh

Mom;


Had I known you were going to leave so unexpectedly that day five years ago I would have shown up sooner and asked so many more questions. I would have listened better and never left your side and I would have asked you to tell me so much more of your life, your loves and your values. I would have wanted you to know more than I already said how much I appreciated you and how much your wisdom mattered in my life. I would have said how much I cared and I would have told you “I loved you more!”


Did you know you meant everything to me? That everyday I thank the Lord for you and who you were in my life. I can’t think of a better Mom and if I had a dime for others who say the same thing I would be rich. Your gift of a welcoming home and unconditional love is immeasurable in it’s worth and because of it I have the strength and the courage I do today. I am who I am because you loved me and because you were the gift God gave me for a mother.


I miss you so much. I drive by your house still and I ache at your absence. What pearls of wisdom would you have for me now? Would you love W as much as I do? Would he make you laugh like he makes me laugh? You would be so proud of my kids and all they are accomplishing. You always told me not to worry. I should have listened to you all along.


I have no doubt my Charley would be in your arms and your love for him even more immense than any grandchild you have now. I know you would be just as excited as I am for M or H or D, whatever his name ends up being. It just grows; just like you said; the love you have for your child, as great as is it, grows ever more exponentially with a grandchild. You were so right. I love you for that wisdom.


When I see and hear my friends talk about their Mom’s I get jealous and pained. What I would give for just a few more days, a week, a year to just have you, to have your strength beside me, to know, out there, someone loves me no matter what. Thanks for that by the way, thanks so much. I don’t think I appreciated that as much as I should have when you were around.

The other day, when Charley was crying so and K had such a worried look on her face, A too. I was scared. I had to look like I knew what I was doing and know, instinctively what was wrong. As I was praying and walking I felt you, right there beside me, walking with me. Thank -You for that; thank-you so much.


You know C don’t you? He is an observer but you already knew that. What wisdom you must impart on these beautiful great grandchildren that are coming. How lucky are they to have you beside them? Too have Grandma P and W too. I wish I was at that tea party sometimes. The wisdom that comes through those generations is wonderful.


So today, I have thought of you and I smiled, I shed some tears and I learned more about hope. I do hope I leave my grandchildren with the same feelings of love and unconditional acceptance that you gave to your grandchildren. I hope I can be at least a bit like you to your great grandchildren. A woman can hope, right?


I miss you, I miss you so much. I feel now how you felt all those years ago when Grandma P left. I get what you meant when you said a part of you left with her.


Thanks again, thanks for being everything you were to me. Thanks for being such an incredible mother and an even more amazing grandmother. I can’t think of a better Mom or grandmother that there ever was. I was blessed.


Thank-you.
S

Friendship Facebook Style

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."- Socrates, Greek Philosopher

In the past few days I have had called into question the friendships I have on "FACEBOOK". Was I aware of their stances with regards to current standards in the church?

The answer is simple - YES.

In the past year these people and their blogs, their comments, their forums have carried me to come to a truth for myself. Each has their own journey both in and out of the church and only advocate the thought "to thine own self be true".

The only influence they played in the decisions I have made have been to search my own heart and find whatever truth will be authentic to myself. Yes, some advocate lifestyles and choices and doctrines that may differ from the stand of a black and white stance to the gospel but if more of these people had greater voices I may have been active today.

You may not agree to their posts, all I ask is to eliminate their feed because I won't.

My whole life I have never fit into the traditional mold of Mormonism. In the friendships I have that have been deemed inappropriate I have found like minded people. They remind me of the good that is in the culture. A culture I could say has not be kind to me.  Their voices, both written and spoken have helped me to see a side of the faith I have spent so much of life in with a more reasonable, rational perspective.

I am sad that their point of view frightens you. If it didn't it might make a more welcoming place for those who feel so lost when they walk through those chapel doors.

So though I don't know them on a personal level, I am purposeful in adding them as FACEBOOK friends, there is no doubt to that. I stand behind their words and their thoughts.



Once There Was A TREE....

 Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.

I had another great moment in the "Reading Advantage" program. Did I say how much I love that program. I think Iz thinks she is the only one learning and yet there isn't an evening that I don't walk away knowing something new or feeling somehow enriched. I love the program.

On the first visit I gave Iz one of my favorite books; "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. I have loved that author and that book for so long. The book has such a deep and profound message beyond the simple story that is told. It's one of those conundrums that life offers. The story and then the deeper story. Life always gives a deeper meaning if you just think broader. So many people never get past the simple meaning.

Today, we were covering the vowel o, did you know that there are 6 different ways to say the letter o. The first pass through the book we concentrated on the actually phonetics of the book. Iz had practised so much and had it nearly perfect even though she would never admit it and then we read it for meaning. This time around we discussed how she had read book in Japanese, French and English and how with each language the tree is portrayed differently. I was so stunned.

I have always been so puzzled by the meaning of the book. Shel S isn't so simple as to have a tree give everything and then just be "happy". In a real way he challenges the reader beyond the simple story to ask, do we give everything we have to be happy? The answer is intrinsic; it depends on perspective. I have always felt that the tree was happy for the little boy but maybe not so much for itself and yet, since it's purpose is sacrificial, it met it's life's goal, or did it?

In the Japanese culture, this book is sad, almost a tragedy. The culture cannot come to terms with the tree every being happy both from the story's point of view and from the sense of reverence a tree is given in the religion of the Japanese - Shinto. This book isn't the happy story so basic to a reader who sees only the surface words reveal. As we discussed this and the principle of giving and to what point someone gives it was so cool to actually be so alike in our paradigms.

We grew up a world apart in two completely different cultures and yet think so similarly on quite a few levels. Today I learned just how small the world can be.

Did I say how much I love the "Reading Advantage" program.

No Worries Mate!

Blogging has been hard to do, what with holding my new grandson and all, hanging out with my amazing daughter and A and just enjoying this beautiful country.

I had wondered what it would be like here being down under and all. I mean I am, quite literally, 1/2 round the world. I have come to a better understanding of the culture, of the people and the area. It is beautiful here.

Tonight I wanted to stay in, we had a chance to dine downtown Brisbane and see the laser light show but what I really wanted to do is just feel this family one more night, feel this home and watch my grandson fall more in love with his parents everyday and to feel that tomorrow, when I leave, there will really be - "No worries".

Every Aussie says this as they leave you, they bid you bye and follow with the words - "no worries mate". I wondered what it meant and why it's used and all I could come up with is that here, life is about finding reasons to chill and enjoy. Things don't get done nearly as quickly as at home and when I heard A and his friend talk about the Aussie way of working I have to say I was a bit envious about having such a lackadaisical attitude. come on, showing up at 9am, 2 hour lunches and leaving right at 4 and still having a job to speak of. That would be firing at home.

But alas, I can't live here - that being two places at once doesn't work so I have to go home and inside of me is falling to pieces. I wish with all my heart I could be here to help, to hold and to just be a full time part of this family. Thank goodness for SKYPE - all I have to say.

So tomorrow I board a plane and then I wait for 10 weeks until this family flies North for Christmas. And then, we do what most families do anyway, we work it out and find reasons to see each other and we love, even 1/2 around the world from each other, because that's what families do. I can do it, even if my heart breaks along the way because of the ache of not holding my C in my arms. Considering the alternative of whose arms he's in, there really are "NO WORRIES MATE".

Mormon Mommy Blogs

I have much more free time then I thought I would here in the land down under. K1 has this Mommy thing down and she has established the most incredible family and home here. With the extra time I have been able to do things that I haven't done. Catch up on my reading, listen to my podcasts and surf the net to places I haven't been in forever.

K1 asked if I knew about the Mormon Mommy blogs. I had heard wind of them but hadn't really looked much closer that my nieces who I lost access to a while ago. It was the only one I would have had any interest in and since I tend to be quite controversial I just assumed it was meant to be that way. Anyway you look at it, it becomes a bit of a voyeuristic act to troll through them so I generally stay away.

Well, with some of my free time I meandered through a found myself intoxicated with the mundane scope of life these blogs expose. I kind of travel log through endurance, some extreme, others looking for compassion and more just needing release. It made me think about the one lasting and monumental change about being outside the culture of Mormonism.

Life isn't about the struggle anymore. Days aren't made to be endured and struggles, trials don't speak anything to my faith or lack thereof. I truly to enjoy every moment of my life, even the hard days and God loves me.  Bad things don't happen to test me. They happen because of choice and because of circumstance. Sometimes it is just the living.

I read of the YW who was the bain of every Smith girl's existence struggling with infertility and I ached for her. Not anger, not hate just compassion and for the girl who suffers in a marriage so clear by all her words I wanted to just say, FIX It. Find purpose in yourself, in your journey and make peace with the role YOU CHOSE. The one that got away probably isn't much different then the man you married and spending a life wondering what if only interferes with the living a life that is.

Reading all the blogs and posts made me realize a few other things.

A good camera a one photography class doesn't make you a professional photographer. It made me recommit even more to completing my SAIT courses and even then, I am still not sure of that path.

I won't use my associations for financial gain, ever. How many use their blogs or their church ties to build and promote business. It's a wonder that pyramids schemes do so will throughout the Mormon corridor. Selling a product I want is one thing but there are times when not being there and not being a part of all of it frees me from the endless stream of products, placements and plans that I have no interest in.

I have always seen this blog as nothing more than a travel log to my journey. There have been many times in the last while where a whole blog entry has been written, edited and left to draft because of content I felt unworthy of the generations that follow. I want and need my children and their children to understand the reasons I have made the decisions I have made but I can't impose on them the strong emotional scares that have accompanied them.

Mormon Mommy Blogs serve a purpose, a divine one. They are intrinsically good. There were some that were a JOY to read, to feel a "catch up" to some of my most favorite YW that I taught. I miss my niece's blog, I love watching from a distance my  great nephew and niece and see my Brother be the Grandpa I knew he always would be.

I will be heading back to reality in a few days and my time will be full again. I will skype my BBG #1 and work and have salsa days, travels to the mountains and soon welcome grandson # 2. H's pictures will be splashed all across these pages and my life will continue to be full.

I love writing, always have, always will and my hope is that someday, long from now, my great, great, great grandchildren will open a computer, a book, an IPAD and read about Crazy Grandma LH who struggled, survived and lived and maybe find some sense of purpose in the words I leave.

On Being a Mam.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I have been blessed beyond comprehension these last few days to witness the emergence of a family. You see in your own so much of the JOY and comfort that comes from the love of your first born and the changes that can happen.

Grandma L used to say that in that moment you look into your first born's eyes you know, for the first time, what it means to love something more than yourself. I see it everyday with K and C. I am so proud of her, so proud of her journey.

This Grandma thing is to incredible. It is EVERYTHING Mom said and more.  C is one of the biggest loves of my life. Is is true about "loving them more", it just is.

A New Beginning

There are tropical birds cawing out my window and I am in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been and I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude it is amazing.  I am a Grandma and I fell in love with a beautiful boy named C in a way I never thought imaginable. Grandma L was right, so very right in just how much more love there is to give to grandchildren.

I flew out three days after his birth to a country, heck, a hemisphere I have never been before and wept in an airport full of strangers because there in front of me was my beautiful daughter, her partner, and my C, a redefined family so full of love and hope and JOY.

As I have witnessed this family these past few days I began to be envious. What I would have given all those years ago to have what K has in A and in his love for that little boy. I am an intruder into this social unit, a welcome one, but none the less, K, A and C are a family, loved, cared for and honored by so many around them. It is a privilege to be a witness to the birth of a new generation of this family.

My camera has been going steady. Someone commented on my skills as a photographer and my reply was simple; it's easy with the subjects I shoot.

So, just those few years ago when my life started to change and I could see a light at the end of a very dismal tunnel I never knew or could have hoped for all that has been so graciously given. I have a wonderful husband, incredible children and now, beautiful grandchildren.

No religion can define my family and call it whole or true. I thinks that's where I get the emotions that have no place here at this time so I will let them go. I am Grandma, I am the woman who will love C and B and H and all the others that will come just because, without condition, without many expectations. Just the Grandma rules of;
no hurting others,
no hurting yourself and
no hurting things.

Oh, and I promise a freezer full of freezes and a cupboard full of stale licorice and life lessons about glass houses and integrity.

I wouldn't miss this for the world. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important than watching my daughter hold her son and see what this life is all about - FAMILY.

She's a natural, just like I thought she'd be.

Charlie

Meet Charlie Harold Collins; born Australian time, Sept 7, 2011, 9:01 AM. He's a JOY and a blessing. So happy he got here safe and sound.

Waiting

Today is my first grand baby's birthday. Where he/she is it's the 7th of Sept but where I sit, it's the 6th. I know my beautiful first daughter went in at 4:30pm for her c'section and I know I am supposed to wait patiently but I can't. Every worry possible is going through my mind, every worse case scenario playing through my mind. Do I have a grand daughter or grand son? How do I not go crazy waiting????

Baby girl #1, my very heart and soul is praying more than I ever have right now. I am sending so much positive karma out and ..........

OMG - IT'S A