I believe....

I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” ~Dali Lama

I woke up this morning late and thought about whether I should rush and try to make it to church on time or just get there when I get there. I am fortunate that our Sacrament meeting is last so slipping into class isn’t hard. I chose the latter and was grateful I did.

Everyone was gone from the house this morning and the puppies and I had a restful start to a beautiful Sabbath day. I love early Sunday mornings, especially in the late spring and early summer. I can’t quite decide exactly why except there is something about them that breaths rest and peace.

It made me think about this deep inner peace I am feeling now. Where does it come from? How did I get it and how can I insure it is with me.... always? I cherish my heart now and find its strengthened and purposeful beat so refreshing to what is once was. I love waking up, praying, living, studying, thinking, breathing, and living. I can’t explain why except that there is so much joy in this journey and that to miss any would be so wasteful to the gift this life is.

So inner peace is really found in the giving of your heart and time to others and in knowing when to hold on so that you can repair and rebuild to give again. Yes, waking up and knowing happiness is just a breath away makes living worth every moment and though I know and have great understanding of those whose moments are much harder; now my admonition is simple and true. Happiness is really just a moment away but feeling the intense sadness is a necessary part of this existence we agreed to. It’s opposition and without it, the highs would not be as high and that is what makes it all worth it.

I watch life now with such a rose coloured pair of glasses on. They see everything very clearly but they know that all the shades available to us only intensify our whole purpose for being here. Hang on; hold tight, it’s a ride worth being on.

To Gather

To gather,
To mend,
To feel peace,
Comfort.
And to know,
You are safe.

I call you home.
My song reaches yours,
And you know,
You are welcome,
Always,
And Forever.

Come gather,
Come be,
Come one,
To the many,
To feel home.

We are peace,
We are laughter,
We are spiritual,
We are together,
We are mended
And we are,
FAMILY!

Welcome Home!

When they said they were moving away, my heart opened and ached and yet I knew that as much as I wanted them here, there was better. They would grow and they would learn and then they would understand the family song that brings us the inner peace and knowledge and helps our hearts sing.

Well, they left and they struggled and now, one by one they are returning; better and more mature and knowing that they can do it on their own but with others, they are more whole; more complete; more at peace.

I know they will find their loves; karma will bring it to them. If aboriginal beliefs are part of a learning that is so basic to this world, the first religion, then their songs are beautiful and fulfilling and their songs will be in harmony to each other.

Why is it that some of us complete ourselves in family? When we have children, we change. A part of us is given away and we become inherently unselfish and we grow and our songs become more beautiful and our earth songs tug us harder to sing louder and more pure than we ever have before. Our songs are our legacy. They are our stamp on the universe. They are what define us to each other.

I love because I was loved and because I do love I am part of the plan that is so essential to the being and purpose to this life. Nothing much else matters but the love I have and share.

In the end, it will be what they speak of, the chorus and song of my family. So you see, singing is everything, whether is it the kind you hear or the kind that instinctively dwells within you. My love song goes not just to my children but to my precious father, mother, sister, brothers, family and friends and to my Rocky and Ping and my grand puppies. I will be judged by that song and how well it is a part of who I was, who I am and who I will be. I hope I haven’t hurt your ears with my song.

The gospel I love has one purpose, one hope, one great and everlasting commandment…… to love. That’s it, simple and pure and unfettered. When you understand this, nothing much else matters and you find peace, the kind that makes you free! The kind that makes you feel home!

Welcome home BBG’s. Welcome home!

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I had a checkup yesterday, or maybe I should say tune up. It has been a while since I have checked in with the famous Dr. W and after a few bumps in my proverbial life road I thought I should see if maybe my thought processes were still copasetic with life in general. Apparently, all is well.

Oh sure, there were things that I might have done a bit better but in consideration of where I have been, it’s all good. I am stronger, happier, and healthier; more at peace than I have been in my entire life and that is in part because of the wisdom and advice this wonderful doctor has imparted to me.

Absolutes, surprises, and shocks were part of the discussion but for the most part, living to what I knew in my heart was right has made for a much improved life.

Changes; there is still a bit left over of the owning what isn’t mine to own and being better at boundaries. Will this heartache of a lost 25 years subside? Maybe, but knowing the cost gives me strength so it is vital to have a recollection of the growing from the sad circumstances. This will insure no repeats.

So what am I on about; LIVING WELL and LOVING LIFE. I can’t be accused of not grabbing hold of this concept to its fullest. I have such a deep and extreme hope for my future and for my family’s future. That, in itself, is a bit of miracle because for a time, the despair of a complete hopeless life was my entire existence. So if you are at the beginning of your journey…. Hang tight and if you are at the end….. Hold on! The best is yet to come.

To end this entry, I found this quote. I believe it applies.

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." ~Barack Obama

Too Often.....

“Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There's really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything!”

Why is it that half the time now, I feel like a 15 year old girl just on the verge of turning 16 and scared to death of what might be the possibility of dating? Holy freak, this pit in the bottom of my stomach has to go away and I just need to get over myself! Oh, and did I tell you how much I dislike dating or anything that resembles it.

In my lifetime, I have never been tongue tied but here I am at 47 and at a loss for words, almost always, thinking that I am saying the wrong thing or saying something completely stupid. Or, I can’t shut up which then guarantees I am saying something completely ridiculous. Figure that out for me, can you? Are you confused…? I am ALL THE TIME!

Maybe we are meant to fall in love and marry in our twenties because by the time you are my age you OVER ANALYZE everything and talk yourself out of it! See, doesn’t it sound nuts! Yeah….certifiable!

So what am I on about?

As scared as I am, I know that I really do have “nothing to lose” and “everything to gain”. But one question; why does it feel like I have to throw up ALL THE TIME!

My BBB, D, laughs at me non stop. He is casually dating and having the time of his life and when the phone rings, I jump a mile in the sky and he just reaches over, nonchalantly, to answer it. If it’s for him, you totally see this charm thing happen. It’s like a switch that when he realizes it’s a girl for him you see his brain disengage from what he is doing and the “FLIRT” button gets pushed and he turns on the smooth.

Me, on the other hand, the exact opposite. It’s almost hilarious to watch. D gets quite the kick out of it. I stutter and sound stupid and talk way too much. That’s not anything like me so the conundrum; How do I get the smooth back into my life? Where’s my mojo and had to I restart it? Women at 47 are not meant to have an on/off switch for “FLIRT”. Oh, I could do a serious amount of flirting when I was in my late teens to early twenties but now, it’s a loss.

I went on a temple trip with some singles and it ended up being me and two guys. These two are becoming my friends and we had a light hearted and yet serious conversation about what men and women want, at our ages, when it comes to dating in the church. These two fine gentlemen assured me that I flirt just fine but the irony is I didn’t think I really had. They told me that I had the personality that put them at ease but that didn’t show up until recently. Before, they said, I was brutally honest when I said to them, “I am not ready to date, I am just checking out this scene!” The funny thing is; I don’t remember saying that at all, LOL. Where have I been these last few months?

So barring the feeling that I am going to throw up all the time, I really am starting to enjoy this new single life I have. I have been blessed throughout this entire journey. Wish me luck people. It can’t get much scarier then this, at least I think it can’t?

Joyce Ellen Ross Lloyd

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
~ Pablo Picasso

This is a hard holiday for me, it always has been. I remember as a child I would love to make and give my mother something every mother's day. She always did so much for me I could never find a way to give back, I don't think, in all the years she was alive, I ever really made it clear just how truly in debt I was to her for her example. I live that example everyday. I have always said that I will measure my success by just how close I can come to being just like her.

Every breath I take in, labored or not, in some real way aches at the missing of her. She was for me, the greatest cheering section, the wisest teacher and the sternest boss. She enveloped me in an unconditional love that only mothers have the capacity to give and it is what I miss most.

My strength is hers, my wisdom is hers, my hope and my dreams are because she taught me to always be open to the realization that I could be anything. My survival of these last few years is because, at the end of her life, she choose the most unselfish path by taking that time to have me look at all the possibilities that I could have and to take them, enjoy them and to live happy and never once was selfish in the pain of cancer.

Do I feel alone? NEVER, because she is always with me. Her words resonate my thoughts and my actions are a result of her life and the greatest example she gave me.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Though you are not with me in person, you're spirit is always near. I love you........ and thanks....... for everything!

Giving Liberates the Soul

"I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver."
Maya Angelou:

So there is some wisdom that our mothers taught us by shear repetitive brow beating that once you were old enough to understand you knew that the words spoken were an important LIFE LESSON that they wanted you to know, to understand, to live by.

One of those lessons from my precious Mom was the knowledge that in life, there are two types of people; the “takers” and the “givers”. She expected us to fall in the latter of the two categories for a number of reasons.

From an early age, I knew this wisdom to be true. If I ever thought my mother was the greatest woman alive I have not spoken or written enough about the grandmother I had or the legacy of strong independent Scottish woman whose dedication to life and family was unprecedented. My great grandmother was a part of my life as well until I was 7 and I have vivid and happy memories of her influence as well.

What I always have known is that strength, especially the female variety is self driven and as a woman, I can do anything I put my mind to…. Anything! This is important as I address the givers and takers in life.

Living is complicated by the demands life has on each of us. How we are raised and how much we have can affect whether we become a “giver” or a “taker”. We can be raised to be ether as well by example or by purpose but in any case you are, in life, either one or the other. I was raised to be and was instilled with the greatest example of giving. Giving and sacrificing was the way of being a Patterson woman, even, to some extent, to our own peril.

So here’s what I am on about.

If at the end of the day we can say that we gave more than we took, we can call ourselves “givers”. I measure a day by this. For a time, I came out on the taker end and was so laden with guilt that it became overwhelming. A wise friend then gave me this poem.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into our life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

To the friends who have given and to the friends who have taken the balance it what brings me the emotional health I enjoy so much today. Life is always a two way street. I fully intend to be involved in the whole journey…. Both ways and in the enjoyment of everything there is to see and be involved in!

I have also learned that if someone does you the courtesy of sharing it is essential to listen and to understand why whatever higher power you believe in needed you to understand why that message was meant to be in your life at that time. There are no chance encounters just meetings that fate finally brought together.

My life is blessed, I know it, and I am grateful everyday for it!

Restraint

“Why are we so full of restraint? Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves.” ~ Henry Miller

Love… love…love spring and all the rebirth of everything that has laid dormant throughout the winter; except maybe the bears, I sometimes wish they would just stay asleep. But anyway you look at it I feel such a renewal as the snow melts and the dusty shades of brown have slight puffs of green emerging to show that in fact, though it was a brutal winter, they survived and are returning to take their rightful place.

When the weather warms I return to all my outdoor activities which give me an endorphin rush of sanity and make the happy women I love to be. Spring is a verb. It makes you want more out of life; it forces you to think about starting, and moving and grooving to life’s rhythms.

Yesterday, as I was walking during my lunch hour and enjoying the zen of the pace, I had decided to run/walk and it was my first try. It felt good to breathe and not cough and to feel the spring air pass through my lungs. The river is beautiful and the pathways clear. I felt this gentle rush of wonderment as I just love being in my beautiful city taking such advantage of it.

When I had completed my route and emerged from my urban oasis known as Princess Island Park I preceded on to 4th Ave and reached the intersection of 4th and 4th. I was alone, which is usual but I was surrounded by the chaos of massive construction and cars, trucks, sirens and just before the light turned green I heard the distinctive call of a Canadian Goose. I looked up and above me was a pair of geese passing through the canyons of Calgary’s downtown skyscrapers heading into the park I had just left.

I love the analogy of geese and how they head south or north or wherever it is they are going. They seem to have their own integral compasses that though vastly different from each other they still end up exactly where they are meant to be. Does it make any sense that a goose would choose the path of most resistance to get to the park? It does if that is the path it has chosen for itself.

So here was this pair of geese doing what geese do best and doing it in their own way and it was inspiring. I have such a testimony of choice and paths and endurance. I may never be what others would have me be but for me I am okay.

So what am I on about when it comes to the above quote? If that pair of geese had fear or restraint they would most likely have chosen a much different path; an easier path. They went to what they felt, instinctually for their path as I know all of us have as well. Inherently we know where it is we are supposed to be, we just may not get there the same way others do. As far as losing yourself, that’s apparent in just the everyday aspects of life.

So what’s so special about geese and why would it ever be blog worthy. Well….. It was what I saw that morning. That same pair of geese are nesting on the Home Oil Tower ledge. Does that make any sense at all? We’ll have to see how they get those babies to the river when it’s time. I am sure it will make the news!

Thanks

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Buddha

Another Ctrain story. Life has a way of making itself transparent in a sardine packed train after an exhausting day at work.

They have closed the station closest to my work for renovations and so I have to walk an additional 4 blocks to get to a Ctrain platform. I usually wait a train so that I can be at the front to get a seat. It’s always a waiting game for attaining a seat and seriously, someone could write a book and it would be a best seller here in Calgary. Strategy is the key and today the karma fell in my favour and apparently not for the women behind me.

She clearly was not pleased and then proceeded to make it known. The Ctrain is generally very full and personal space is at a premium but she decided that she was going to make the ride miserable for everyone around her. She nearly sat in my lap and then pulled out the largest book I have ever seen. She laid her elbow and her body against the pole that people generally use to stabilize themselves and she wasn’t moving to share it.

When an older gentleman asked her if he could grasp the pole she pointed to the straps on the upper bars and told him that was what they were for. Her cell phone rang and it was one of her kids who she them proceeded to YELL at to get the friends out of her house until she got home. We all became part of the call.

Stop after stop; as more people got in, she became more and more angry and it was making everyone so uncomfortable. I use this time to meditate and pray and that was impossible as the spirit this lady was expelling was in no way conducive to any pray or meditation.

I looked up at her, she had turned her back on me in anger as I am sure she felt I had robbed her of her seat and then it struck me. I used to be that angry. I used to feel just like that, like the world was out to get me. It scared me to realize that that was once me.

It was then that I started to feel sorry for her and wondered what chaos is in her life that would hurt her so deeply to make this kind of karma be what she portrays. I wanted to just hug her or at least say something or even offer her my seat but there was no way, she would not have had it.

So it was then that, in spite of it all, I bowed my head and thanked the Big Guy for healing and for letting go! I am so grateful for how much pain and anger and frustration is gone from my life and for being able to feel such Joy now.

This is where I just say thanks!

Inside Out

The ''Inside-Out'' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self / with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves.”

~Stephen R. Covey

I have had a profound experience these past few weeks that has taught me a very important lesson and given me skills that I will no doubt have for the rest of my years. It came about in a round about way and though it could be the source of some discomfort I choose instead to call it a life lesson.

My past; at least as defined by my ex, crept up on me and dramatically affected my life. It’s funny and ironic all at the same time when I think that as a culture, we in the church judge one another on moments of our lives and not on the present or full course of it. M had a way of talking to anyone who would listen and fill them in on his version of events. Many people in this culture think they know what happened. For the most part I simply choose to ignore it.

My sister taught me something when she said, It shouldn’t be “do unto others as you would have others do unto you but rather… do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” What this means is that when you deal with others, treat them as you think they would wish you would treat them and in that you will define the paradigm of fairness in your relationships. In most cases, people have higher expectation of self awareness and treatment of how others should treat them and in following this you raise your own standards of interactions.

I guess the thing I’ll never fully understand is that there are people who think they know a situation having heard only one side. That they can pass judgment and gossip and think that no one is the wiser or even hurt. I have learned to live under this shroud of untruth or maybe a better phrase would be another’s perceived truth for quite some time. Standing up and broadcasting rebuttals is pointless. This culture is difficult enough as it is without adding contention and innuendo.

Why does this stuff still resurface? This is old and over and I am doing all that I can to move on. I shouldn’t have to feel uneasy that any man I see may be tracked down and “informed” of what is, in essence, only the one side and come on…. I share this only with those I trust and always acknowledge my role. Let me move on! I want to move on! I am trying to move on!

There is a man I know who, when you know the circumstances of his divorce and the behavior involved you would run a million miles in the other direction. But let’s go back to the concept that you cannot judge a man by a moment. The life this man has lived after his indigresion stellar. He serves and he gives and has benefited so many by his example. (PS – No, I don’t like him, here’s the difference, I simple admire his journey) Should he always be what his sin defines or is the journey of his forgiveness a better indicator of his character. You decide.

So what am I on about, especially in context to the quote?

The greatest growth that I have ever witnessed both in myself and in others comes when at first; we correct ourselves and let those changes help us serve others. Wisdom, maturity, sustained change happens when we solve our own personal issues and then take that learning and share it with others. I hope that this change I feel so ingrained in me is complete and lasting. That recognizing all that I did wrong, addressing it, seeking out the forgiveness of those I harmed and then feeling the eternal affects of the atonement has changed me to being the person I have hoped I always will be.

My goal? To find inside my heart the courage of ignoring those that choose to judge me by my past or for a better phrasing, the courage to ignore those who choose to judge me by what another defines my past as.

A Single Footstep

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. ~ Henry David Thoreau

One of the activities I have learned to love in my middle years is walking. It is not unheard of for me to go and walk for an hour or two to simply find answers in the silent rhythm of the paces I take. Praying during this time is very meditating, especially if I find myself on the Fish Creek Pathways. Rocky and I have spent many hours enjoying this beautiful provincial park. Some of the most beautiful hikes I have been on have been literally in my own backyard but I never fail to just love the rhythm and movement of going forward. It is a sense of accomplishing something, of getting somewhere when at times it feels like you are going nowhere fast.

I was unable, for a time, to walk and I soon began to miss it. Just last week I decided that; lungs hurting or not, I was going back to my daily constitutional around the Princess Island Park. It’s a 5-8k walk that you can take on your lunch hour and I have been a regular on the circuit for some time.

The pathway has all types of different kinds of people on it from the avid, diehard, joggers who deck themselves out with the Ipod, the heart rate monitor, the running gear and leisurely marathon by you to those who are clearly in the weight loss routine. I love watching these people for a number of reasons. One being, I love to see the gradual change, it’s inspiring and these people have such a zen look of determination, I wish I could harness it.

There are the social walkers. These are the women who walk to get out of the office and just socialize. I may fall into this category at times but since I mostly walk alone it’s not a perfect fit. Then there are those that walk out of cultural integrity. These are the older Chinese couples who leisurely stroll the pathway. They are in no hurry at all and you can often find them stopped and pointing at some scene or wildlife, exchanging a conversation that no one can understand but you know is valuable all the same.

All humanity walks and within their motions you can read much of their character and well being.

If you were to ask me why I love to walk I doubt I could give you one single answer. I know that for me, I quite literally find myself and while spending the time in motion I can contemplate all the scenarios in my head and truly analyze each issue that I am facing that day, that month, or year. I love to feel the movement and access what it is I am trying to figure out. Many an answer has come to me in the rhythms of putting one foot ahead of the other. Walking is truly emotionally medicinal.

So the question; what am I on about?

You would think that since I have such a deep love of walking and that I understand all of it’s endearing qualities that this quote would be that much easier to but into practice. I mean, it makes complete sense. Rethinking and setting the pathway for your thoughts so that you are hardwired to be healed is a whole concept worthy of reflection. It is more physically exhausting to set your mind right than it is to walk a 10k.

This is the last leg of the divorce journey. In the getting your mind paths to recognize strength and health when all you ever knew and were told was that they weren’t any is a formidable path. It is a completely daunting task. It’s that self talk that gets you over the hurdles of abuse that has littered your path. I am mostly self assured and filling the new and maturing paths in my mind. My patience level is higher, my anger threshold higher, my reaction time more settled. I feel pretty whole, just scared a bit. It’s all so new and only in time will it be a comfortable acquisition to my emotional health.

It’s like the “I think I can” all over again. Finding faith in our self again is one of the most liberating feelings and well worth all aspects of the journey! I highly recommend it.