You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

The act of forgiveness is one of the most divine principals of the gospel. It holds within its actions the ability to free your soul and bring you to a Zen experience unequal to almost anything I know. It is however one of the most difficult actions any human being can endeavor.
To forgive frees the person doing it to live a more purposeful life. Your thoughts and action become more consistent and you become whole.
The actions of others that cause great harm and can even overwhelm you, they can emotionally cripple you but the choice remains with you for this burden to last or to end.
I find forgiveness easier than not. To ask for it is humiliating but truly the only way to step forward after sin. To give it brings a deeper sense of spirituality and contentment. The feeling is indescribable but awesome.
In the span of a divorce you must seek forgiveness and you must grant it. How your ex accepts or rejects it is another matter. These actions will close the final chapters of your life as a couple and it will free you to love again. Without participating in these acts you chance bringing the baggage of your past life in to your next and give it a greater prospect of failure.
You may need to grant forgiveness without it ever being asked for. This task is the most difficult of all. This final hurdle feels like the Grand Canyon of chasms. It’s where I lie now. I need to move on. It will only happen if I let go of the pain and forgive. Notice I am not required to completely forget.
If I were to do that I would chance a repeat in my life. The most important thing here is to really learn from my mistakes. To look at them, address them and find solutions to not repeat them.
So I say again, what am I on about? Moving on. Finally healing the last of my broken soul and finding happiness in the most Zen of ways. Learning to love myself again.
I will find this. I will strive and grow and be all that I can be so as to be someone to whom my children, my family, and my friends can say….. WOW, that’s one YoMomma.

If it changes your life, let it.

Have you ever seen that poster with a picture of the Savior and the bottom caption reads…” I never said life would be easy, I said it would be worth it.”
There have been so many times when I have thought of that poster and just cringed! Don’t get me wrong, I love the Savior and all that he has done for me but I have sometimes grown weary of the challenges that have been mine these last few years. Sunday was a huge turning point for me.
I received a letter in the mail that was supposed to be an apology. There is no question to the motivation to the letter. It was required in order for this person to get what he wants. It has little substance and really amounts to just enough said to accomplish the task.
That being said, how did I feel when I read it? Confused!
My first question is; “Is this really all it is going to take for him to get what he wants?”
After so many harmful words and actions, after surviving each day picking up the pieces of the mess that he made and comforting and consoling those that were so painfully harmed, a two paragraph letter will suffice?
And if so; then what?
For the longest time all I have ever wanted is an acknowledgment of the harm and pain. This letter doesn’t reflect that. It is forced and reticent and clearly indicates the author only pens the words out of obligation.
How does one respond?
I let go and I let GOD.
If the world were fair and all things equal none of what has been my life would have been my necessary journey. But this world is not fair and equal only comes at the end of a mathematical sum. What I want and what I will get will never be the same unless it is my destiny to fulfill.
I accept the letter as truly the only way an apology will ever be afforded to me or my kids in this life.
As I struggle each day as a single MOM and the sole proprietor of my children’s well being I will hold my head high and survive. I will have the respect of my kids and my family and they will know that my sanity was hard fought for and is intact!
God is my guide and he will influence my choices that will take into account my entire family and I will be remembered as a JOY. I choose to live to that legacy and pass it on to my 3 girls and son. There is no greater sacrifice, except that of the Savior's, than being a parent. Someday my children will understand.
Life changed me…. for the better. I love who I am and look forward to continued growth in strength and endurance.
My life to this point as been worth it!

Answers to Frivolous Prayers

Have you ever asked yourself if what you are praying for is really valid to take to the Lord? When the world is full of calamity and chaos what is really okay to pray for? World peace or end to war...... what about lost keys? How about seeing the one concert you have literally dreamed of for your entire life and not having to go on the sabbath? That prayer was answered.

I have a few things on my "Bucket List" that really, after doing them, will probably not enhance my life to a vast degree of spirituality but will bring a smile or a thrill that will make the day better. I fulfilled one of those "Bucket List" items last night.

It was an answer to a frivolous prayer but hey, I was able to see James Taylor live in concert in Edmonton and it was GREAT! I had the greatest time and now know why James T was one of my favorite music artists. I love that I do this now. Enough of the waiting around to live life. I will go and do my "Bucket List" items an enjoy them and I will balance my life well.

So yes, I prayed for a frivolous thing and the Lord saw fit to answer in a way that I really needed! No one will ever know just how much it really meant but when you see me at church on Sunday, with a huge smile on my face. Know that the answer to this prayer may be the reason you can see that smile.

Thanks Again!

S

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.

I loved this quote! One of the greatest thoughts that carry me now is redefining myself in a world with less criticism and judgement. For the longest time I became what I was told I was. Then, a wise and gentle Bishop reminded me of my divinity to my Father In Heaven.

Wow, the grandest light went off. Not in any kind of self righteous way but in a way that said; "hey, you are a princess and should thus be treated as such!"

What is the difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self Esteem is deceiving. You lifting yourself above others and blowing smoke up every ones arses to make yourself better in their eyes.

Self worth is that confidence that carries you into a room and lets people know they're okay and you're okay and we're all good. No judgement, no fault finding, no pushing to make yourself seem elevated to all in the room. It's just a quiet confidence that makes anyone who processes it beautiful.

I have heard from quite a few men that confidence makes every woman beautiful.

That is what I am working on. It isn't all about what you can do either. It is what you are. I know who I am finally. I really am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. Gosh, I love being me and being me around others. I have nothing to be ashamed off or worried for. My entire life has been a dedication to this gospel and I Love IT. How I live it should draw people to it and to me. I can't shove it down peoples throats. Not even my girls.

So what am I on about. Finally being truly happy...even with the blips. This happiness I feel is to my core. I know that now, after breaking free and finally breathing again that I can become what I was truly meant to be. What this is will be determined by my actions this very day and the the next day and the day after that. Because I changed and because I found myself again I will be a better Mom, friend, sister, daughter and maybe if the Lord sees fit, a wife again.

Each day is a new adventure for me. I have bumps, blips, full on throw downs still but I am forever better for every experience I have had thus far in my life. I am finally looking forward to leaving the legacy of my life to my children and grandchildren that will be one of true excitement and wonder. My future generations will hopefully look at my life and say."that was one Yomomma."

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet may be fighting some kind of battle

So you know those emails that come from friends that make you smile... or go ahhhhh, or even cry. I got one today full of quotes that have profound significance to all that read. I decided that I would use them as titles and muse about my thoughts with regards to them. Great idea hey, either that or I thought I was heading negative and needed a positive direction.
When I read this one it reminded me of something that happened to me that was another GREAT LIFE LESSON!
I had an incredibly hard day last winter at work. I was in the middle of Third Party reserves evaluations and I was just starting to get really sick before my surgery. I had started work at 6 am and it was almost 6:30 pm and I knew I had a long night ahead of me when I got home. You could say I was a bit grumpy.
As I headed out to my car I had to pass through a number of large heavy doors and it was cold. I was already grumpy and I had a more than anxious guy following right behind me. I had opened the first few doors for him without even a thank-you on his behalf, which pissed me off a bit, and then he nearly shoved me over and walked past me. As he passed through the next door he didn't even hold it open for me and it nearly knocked me over. I was MAD. I thanked him in the only way I knew and promptly let that heavy door slam right behind me. What I hadn't noticed was the person that was behind him, who was now behind me. I had literally done the same thing to her.
I was so busy being mad and frustrated about what was ahead of me that I was literally leaving what was behind me without noticing. There you go. A Life Lesson.
I have made a huge effort since to be very mindful of what is both in front and behind me.
I thought of something the other day.
My past has made me who I am; it has defined me to this point. What I do in the present will make me who I will become.
I want to be so much better!
I am working on that.

Time Outs

I am not sure if you are aware of this but I did have the greatest mother that ever lived. That having been said, one of her many life lessons she taught me was the principal of a "spiritual time out".

It all started with the question: "how are you going to handle being single in a church obsessed with marriage?" I really didn't know the answer. She gave me many suggestions but mostly she reminded me that what I had married was so destructive that nothing single could come close in destructiveness. Truth said.

Then she spoke of a "spiritual time out". She didn't mean going out and breaking all the commandments and needing the help of a Bishop or a church court. She was mostly talking about those times when you are overwhelmed with the culture of Mormonism and the judgement that comes with that and the need to take a breather to refocus and find the strength to dive back in.

This concept was pretty foreign to me. I had been through a lot these last few years and even missed church sometimes mostly because I was sick (both emotionally and physically) but what she meant was a glorified case of playing hokey from church. Could you really do that?

The answer is YES. I had been thinking for a while that I needed to rally to find myself again as defined in the auspices of a Mormon cultural persona. I don't quite fit the Molly Mormon mold but all my life I have been wholly dedicated to the gospel. Except for some minor hiccups as a very young teenager involving a slight violation of the W of W, I was and always have been the saintliest of saintliest girls. My gosh, I went on scripture reading dates as a young women at my request.

Here I am at 46 challenged at going to church. Why, you ask? Just ask any single adult member why? Our church is not single friendly! Don't get me wrong, I don't think it should be either. But hey, with that being said, I needed a "Time Out' and took it today and maybe for the next few weeks.

What I needed is to learn to love being at church again. Not being there makes me miss it and helps me to put up with all the proverbial hurdles that single people need to jump over in order to feel welcome. Revitalized I can put up with all the perceived wrongs, completely unintentional, that make church so difficult to overcome.

I look forward to wanting to be back. I know I will and when I do it will be because I want to be there and because I can contribute in a positive way.

Riding

There is a way to find Zen as easily as heading out my front door and riding to Fish Creek Park.

One thing that our Alberta governments did do is have absolute requirements for recreational space in all urban areas. Calgary has a few but one of the best is Fish Creek Park.

I have been accessing this urban oasis since I was a wee Brownie doing a day camp finding a zillion arrow heads. Now the park is intertwined with pathways and picnic tables and makes for a great outing.

I love riding bikes. This morning I woke early and found myself in need of a true zen experience. What better way to access that transcendental state then to take the new mountain bike and ride 18 Ks to oblivious splendor. There were very few people on the paths that early and I was able to stop along the way and click some pics for my Boo who rides in here all the time.

The river was beautiful and the wildlife plenty. Even as I passed the water drainage for the sewer treatment facility it wasn`t even rank. There was a bit of a morning haze somewhat and it enhanced the beauty even more. What can I say. I love this city!

When I was done and inching my way up the Parkland escarpment the endorphin rush hit....I love that feeling and zen was realised. My only regret. That asthma precludes me from being a runner and enjoying this urban oasis while running. I will be working on that.

On Being Loyal

Every divorcing women needs one of these. They come with fur.... some meow, some bark but what they do most of all is give you great comfort and are great listeners.

I inherited mine. My oldest daughter proudly announced she was mature enough to take care of him and then left for Japan 6 months later. In those first six months she did such a great job that I have inherited the perfect dog.... I can hardly wait for grand kids from her.

Rocky is my heart and my soul.He has shared my tears, cuddled on demand and been there whenever I needed without complaint. I, in turn, have walked and strolled many a times along the ridge and picked up after him when he deposits natures gifts. We are soul mates.

He is our advance warning on the doorbell, he growls when an argument ensues in our home gently reminding those involved that we are now a household of peace.

In one instance, he kept the monster at bay during a particularly difficult time and was my protector.... all 14.5 pounds of him.

My friend A has one of these. Last year Lucky got sick and scared us all. My heart ached for A and Lucky. I even prayed for Lucky to get better. Was that sacrilegious? It made life's grand plan real for me.

How can I ever repay such an unselfish life of loyalty. More ridge walks and his all favorite, "Do you want to go for a car ride?".

That usually means a visit to one of his friends, Jack the ripper, or Hector or Pippin or maybe even Lucky, who though she is thoroughly inquisitive of Rocky's presence, (oh, I forgot to mention...Lucky got better; even prayers for dogs and good friends are answered) is ambivalent to letting him know she's glad he's over. I secretly think they have a crush on each other.

There will never be enough that I can do to really be even with my amazing Rocky!

Ode to the Irish

My Father in Heaven has blessed me to have a contingent of Irish Friends. It all began when I was called to serve with M in the Relief Society. I am not sure how to explain this but the Irish have a way of getting to the heart of the matter and helping you along the way.

You will never need to second guess with them. They tell it like it is and you love them for it. They will catch you when you fall but they will also kick your ARSE for falling in the first place. They will tell you that when you find yourself in a hole....QUIT DIGGING!

They are the first line of defense at caring when troubled times come and they are the greatest of teachers! They will share their wisdom and not expect you to follow it. There are the last to ever judge you. If you have sense, following their wisdom might save you.

They party like no others and make fun of themselves because they can. They sing like angels and love their family to Bits. And when the Shiet piles up they are the first to dig it out and get rid of it through laughter and prayer.

Their spiritual where-with-all is self directed. They have some of the strongest testimonies I know. They are stalwart and positive and have no expectations of others just themselves when it comes to how you or I live the gospel.

When you have Irish friends you are blessed. I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for my Irish friends.

Custody

It took me a few days to find the zen to be able to blog about shared custody. Let me state at the beginning that I believe with all my heart that children are the losers when it comes to divorce. If you think your own trial is hard just stop and think about the kids.

My boy D left for his Dad's on Tuesday. In his father's infinite wisdom he moved 3000 kms away. No comment.

For 4-6 weeks each summer D travels there and visits.

I start missing him about one month before he leaves and I have to psych myself out about his leaving. I am in torment. We have been inseparable since his birth and more than anything we just love hanging out. He's one of those kids that you know God sent to you last just because he knew you needed to end your child raising years with someone like him.

I drove him to the airport, stoic as always, not letting him know I was falling apart inside. Smiling and giggling, joking about + 35 C days in humid weather. And then nothing....... he just reached over and then did our little signal/sign that tells each other "I love YOU". It was then I knew, he' be okay and that he would miss me just as much as I would miss him.

He called last night. Less that 24 hours in....bored and missing his "happy but not quite spiritual enough home". His big sister did the big sister thing and talked him through it.

Does a big sister ever stop being that even when your 16 and shes 25? Not that I can see.

When stuff like this happens there is never any doubt that we were a family before we even came here. When one of my kids tag teams the other and the caring is so natural; Or hey, even in the matter of disagreements and they get solved, I always watch and get the strongest testimony that they were indeed meant to be siblings and I was for sure meant to be their Mom and we were absolutely meant to be a family even in the troubled times we are living through.

I miss you BOO. Stay strong and remember the fun is 3.3 away.