Where Do You Want To Go?

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.” ~ Lewis Carroll

 What is it about choice that can confound the most intelligent people and yet the simple mind can find it to be little more than a moment’s thought? I am not even going to tell you where I lay on that occasion but really; is the fork in the road that much of a road block?

Decisions can be heart rendering and sometimes the best ones are made on the spur of the moment but how can you know which ones will be? So, as you can see, from the way I am even writing about this, I am one of those that stand at that fork and OVER ANALYZES EVERYTHING. It’s a crazy way to live and can be the source of way too much frustration. Just ask my new husband who I adore as he has the patience to offer the advice and to watch as I flounder in the decision making process. I love him for that.

The “what if’s” are the part of this process that’s killing me. I worry so much about making the wrong choice or even lack the confidence sometimes to make a choice. Then there are times when I just know, deep in my heart, that the thing I may need to do is just do it and trust my instinct. The part of me that’s changing is the instincts are happening more often which then results in those times when it’s not there to be very, very confusing.

I know those parts of my life that require me to choose the fork and quickly, that part I get. It’s when the decision can be ambiguous that I falter, you know, like Alice in the quote. If the choice you make doesn’t really come quickly, does it in the end, matter? I think so but where does it rank on the grand scale of life?

I feel beaten down right now. I am not sure why. Whether it’s because of the weather – burr, its cold – minus 30c out, or just from the drama that has plagued my life recently, but for whatever reason, there are some decisions I am having a hell of a time making.

My children are unique and noisy. They have strong opinions and I love them for that. They have thought, as I have in the past, that they and even I should have a say in each others lives. We are passing through the land of developing boundaries and re learning what all should have known from the start, that having an opinion may not always mean you have a say. I like to hear peoples opinions, they help me in the decision process but are there some decisions so important that having that many can inhibit choices or allow you to hide from the decision making process all together? I think so and I am a perfect example of it, here and now.

I am so worried that I may disappoint people that I would rather sit on a prickly, barbed wire fence than jump off on either side. I know in my heart how I feel but there is a part of me that wonders “what if”? See, there you go, those damn “what if’s” coming at me again.

If you think this blog entry is confusing, you should dwell a time in this crazy mind of mine. When I get overwhelmed and my head and heart start to hurt, I go into W’s arms and rest a bit. There usually isn’t much talking, I just fit perfectly there and when I am in that position, I feel very safe. He gives me the space and patience to think it through silently and for some odd reason, he trusts my opinion. This is all new to me and I am kind of digging it.