A Test

“A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.” ~ Abraham J. Heschel

I had a wonderful day yesterday; it was my birthday. I am not a big purveyor of having over the top birthdays. For the most part, in my past life, they were always horrible and hard and compared because M’s was followed so closely behind mine. It got to a point when I just wished they never came because of all the anxiety that would surround them. Now, I am just grateful for a day that I can say means 1 year older and 1 year wiser.

My family generally recognizes it, K1 and A sent flowers which was wonderful and made me think of hope, I miss her so much, K2 took me to lunch, K3 called as she was having a difficult week filled with lawyers and court and family and D cleaned his cycloned portions of the house that desperately needed it. My sister and brothers phoned and sent messages and even my Dad, who as a general rule forgets it, but he remembered.

W was so sweet, he brought home a cake and covered my eyes as I went towards it to blow out the candles. It made me think about what was so wrong before and what’s so right now. We went to a fabulous dinner alone and just enjoyed each other, it was lovely……. Until the table just two tables over exploded in an argument.

Here was this lovely old woman with I who am sure was her son. The conversation started loud and then became heated. W looked at me and I was just horrified. She must have been in her early 80’s and here was her son telling her to shut up and using profanity. I sat back and reminded myself this wasn’t my conversation and tried hard to not hear it but it just got louder and louder. Our waiter came over to us and apologized and I think most everyone in the restaurant was just so stunned that we, and I mean everyone, did nothing.

At one point, when he said to her… “You can be such a bitch sometimes!” I wanted to get up and go over there. I was running through everything that I would have said; like – “do you know what I would give to have my Mother across the table from me. Can you not just cherish that she’s here with you?”, and “whether your relationship with her has been difficult or not throughout your life, at some point you just have to let it go!”. W almost got up but I stopped him. In retrospect I probably should have let him say something.

As the argument died down and it appeared as if tears were trickling down the old woman’s cheek, W turned to me and spoke about how, in his life he would never speak that way to his Mom and I thought about the times I cherished with my Mom. I just ached for Mom to be with me right then because I know she would have stood up and she would have said something. I just didn’t have it in me, it brought back all the times I would be sitting at a restaurant or at an airport or some place public and I would face the wrath of M. It was so humiliating. This woman shouldn’t have to feel this way ever. I am so grateful I never have to feel that way anymore.

At one point, her son said to her, “Why don’t you go out with your friends and get busy so I don’t have to hear you complain so much!” Her reply; “I would but all my friends have passed away, I wish I would too.” It was then that I almost broke out into tears. I can’t even imagine how lonely it would be to be older and then not have your family for support.

I miss Mom everyday. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I would give to have her across a table from me to help me understand with the wisdom she had for the situations I seem to just be floundering in. I still, though I regret not saying anything to this man, feel that neither W nor I could have made a difference. My emotional Q is a bit low right now and I am sure that had this man attacked I would have crumbled. W was angry, rightfully so, it wouldn’t have worked for him either. What could we have done, what should have we done?

We paid our bill and the waiter apologized again. It wasn’t his fault. We joked with the hostess as we had gone to leave that I had been there some 30 years earlier and the food was just as good and the atmosphere exactly the same. When I got into the truck W took me into his arms and wished me a Happy Birthday one more time. As we drove home, I snuggled next to him on his bench seat and I just remembered again how grateful I am for him, for my new life and for hope.

I have had amazing elderly people in my life, from my Grandma W who lived with us a short time, to Grandma P and L, great Aunts and Uncles and friends. It is true what they say though, a test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is also a test of an individual’s soul.