What I Wanted Most

“What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.” ~ Helen Claes

To My Daughters;

How amazing is it to know that out there in the world are three of the most amazing women I know. They have hearts filled with gold and compassion and love that would bring a man to his knees and I was so blessed to be able to have them in my life. When I think of the world and all the ways in can knock down a soul I think of my girls and the conquering spirits that are theirs and how, each one, in her own right, came into this world feisty and strong and how, without anyone knowing, they have overcome so much and still share their beautiful smiles to those they trust the most.

Each one came into this world on their own terms.

K1 after being late and going through hours of labor; you made it in time to meet the Grandma that flew across the country and the Grandpa who flew across the world to greet you on your arrival. When Grandma L took you into her arms, tears rolled down her cheeks and all she could say was, “It’s a girl – you are so lucky!” You handled everything so well even being half the size of anyone and when the doctor told me you would be as tall as you are now I remember laughing but he said, he was never wrong and he wasn’t. I remember that day we went and got your first ballet shoes, the smile on your face and the look in your eyes, I should have recognized then the dream that propelled you through so much pain. There are so many moments I regret that we have shared but there are so many more that make me so proud of you always. My dream for you is the one you are living now, to be loved and to be happy. My wish is that you were closer but my heart knows you are where you need to be. I love you, I love you so much.

K2; you tried to make so many early entrances that they hospitalized us for over 10 weeks. I used to lie in that stark and stale hospital room and talk to you for hours. When you came, you wouldn’t even wait for a doctor to get there and thus, a resident on his first day caught you on your way out and he just stared, they all stared, you were so beautiful. Aunt M put it all into perspective with the manila gorilla comment but it never mattered. I couldn’t take you anywhere without being told how beautiful you were. Your strength and will arrived early. “I can do it” was the first sentence you spoke and it has been your mantra ever since. I think of the three girls you and I didn’t see eye to eye the most. I learned early on though to trust you and your instincts. I am so sorry for not measuring up at a time when you needed me to the most. As I look at you know, how I wish I had your fortitude and will power. My dream for you is a love that will see the great value you are and for the life that someone who works so hard deserves. I have no fear that this will come to you, karma will bring it to you, and I know it will. I love you, I love you so much.

K3 entered this world quickly and quietly. You were so small that they thought you were a porcelain doll for over a year. We all learned early that though you were small you were a force and justice was your banner. You were the first to step up if you were wrong and you were the first to step up if someone was accusing the wrong person. You lived through so much so early and yet you seemed unfazed. Everything was brought within and carried alone. You still take on the world and carry it on those tiny shoulders. Through out your life you have also defined it on your own terms without apologies – how I admire that. My dream for you would be for the world to catch up to your vision of it; it would be a much better place if it would. I love you, I love you so much.

One of my Momo friends – I use the ‘friend” term lightly – asked me if I ever regretted unleashing on the world my girls. I have learned to curb my opinions so I simply answered no. My girls are a breathe of fresh air in a world lacking in it. In the world beyond the borders of Mormon Dom my daughters are cherished and respected. For far too long I let those cultural morels determine the value I gave them. NO MORE! What they offer is beautiful and needed and their voices are spoken for the many that remain silent out of fear. I come from a long and wonderful line of matriarchs on both sides whose strengths and words to this day are words to live by. Teaching my girls to “keep Sweet” would have been like teaching a lion to never roar!

I may never garnish the respect or accolades in a culture I barely fit in but as far as the rest of those places I do I am forever and honestly astonished at the three women who will – As the Patriarch blessed me with almost 33 years ago – “be children who will stand on your shoulders and reach higher than you were ever able to.”

They are and they have on their own terms which I am proud of.

Thank you beautiful ladies for allowing me the privilege of calling you my daughters.