Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn one’s back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt

I sometimes wonder if oneness in thought and purpose can lead to extreme conformity if not kept in check. When I went to the Y the one thing that struck me was how all the girls looked the same. Big hair, lots of makeup and the united purpose of getting their MRS. degree. I had spent the two years prior to going to the Y working vigilantly to get in and when I got there the disappointment was almost too much.


Then I realised why I wanted to be there.


I wasn't into the MRS. degree, I wanted an education, not just with books but one that included living. I started to ignore the conformity and found the underlying fun that was there for the asking. I went to all the devotionals and forums and went to all the ward activities. I challenged myself to get to know those big haired girls and the majority of them were okay, some even smarter than they looked. I would not trade my experience for anything and believe it or not, I made it out of there single.

I don't think I will ever fit a mold. I think that was one of the issues in my marriage. M wanted me to be different.

I have a deep and abiding love of the gospel but rarely share my feelings freely with people. I feel so strongly that the way I live my life should show people who I am and what I feel. I visit teach because I love the principal of reaching out. I do it not out of obligation but out of a deep love of the principle. I love that this principal has given me such great friends. Church is a place to go and learn and practise living. I hate it when that is interrupted by my feelings of inadequacies about being single. It's a trial that I am learning to overcome.

I want so much out of life and find myself falling short of getting it because of fear and anxiety. I am working at inner strength and know that in time I will find it. My greatest fear is that I will give up. I know my daughters did. They couldn;t take the meaness and lies that were spread about them.

I find it ironic that outside my faith my daughters are cherished and looked on as incredible young women but in church people feel so bad for me because they aren't there, they are failures. Even M thinks they are failures. I somehow don't believe my Father in H believes they are. In my complete world they are amazing young women who have walked a path that only the big guy truly understands and can see that they have accomplished amazing things inspite of their journey.... our journey. They are not lost!


So as E. Roosevelt says; "One must never, for whatever reason, turn one’s back on life." There is just to much living to enjoy, it would be a shame to have missed it.