FRIENDS

I was out tonight running some errands and got a call on my cell phone.

Here's the kicker, I never have my cell phone with me so it was pretty much a shocker to here it ring. Katie says; "hey Mom, did you forget something?" DING, oh my gosh, Lisa's coming over. I rush home, run through the door and then I notice, hey whose the dog? "Oh my gosh....HECTOR, you've come over to play!"

You should have seen the look on Rocky's face! It was like; "LOOK MOM, MY FRIENDS CAME OVER TO PLAY!!!!!" You see, we have the Ping and the Pong so most of the time we go to others to play, but today...they came over here!

Hector and Jack were quite fascinated by the girls but every once in a while it was pretty clear that the friends were over. They left their marks to let everyone know, Jack and Hector were here, but who said only humans could develop relationships.

If you say to Rocky, "hey, do you want to go to Jack and Hectors?" he doesn't shut up til you open the door and get in the car. When I go visit Lisa, she'll open the door and Jack and Hector look past me to see if Rocky has come. I also think it might be a bit Pavlovian.

Friendships come in all different ways, even for our precious puppies.

I Want My Cat's Life!

I know....two blogs in one day but I needed to lighten things up a bit.

So yesterday, it was a fairly hot day and while I was out someone lets the girls out to play. The girls, Ping and Pong, are two of the most indulged Siamese cats you will ever meet. They antithesis everything you have ever read about this breed.

They are self obsessed and belligerent and expect everyone to think that they are the princesses of our family. I came home to them leisurely spreading their frames across the outdoor furniture. I opened the door and they looked up at me as if to say.... yes, you've interrupted, now what do you want?

It's not like Rocky who can't be more excited to see you and wags his tail so much that his whole body shakes with anticipation of a single pat on the back. "Oh, MOM, I am so happy you are home, Oh my gosh I can't be more excited... I Love You?" No. with the girls, it's simply ambivalent attitude and pious expectation.

Soon, after this picture, they got up, sauntered into the kitchen and loudly demanded I fill they food bowl!

On second thought, I think I'd rather have Rocky's life. He's just nicer and more loved. We tend to tolerate the girls in our house.

July 27..... a date in my memory.

So each year when July 27th comes along my mind is flooded with some incredible memories that have strengthened me in a way that only the Lord truly knows. It all began 16 years ago.

It was a strange day really. I had to be hospitalized almost 6 weeks before my due date because I had passed out in a Toys R Us store. They were having trouble stabilizing my blood pressure and I kept having contractions. Everyone seemed very nervous and my recollections involved mostly having an incredible headache and a Mom that was more scared than I had ever seen her.

The nurses were in and out of my room every 15 minutes and the doctor came in often too. Near the middle of the afternoon everyone was really concerned and a decision was made that the baby needed to come that day. I believe that moment in my life has been the most frightened I have ever been.

I was wheeled into delivery and they started making preparations. I won't go into great detail but they realized that I may be able to have Derek naturally. He was born about 5 hours later, very sick, as was I. We were taken our separate ways. Derek went to NICU and I to ICU. My stay was very short, Derek's lasted about three days.

Derek's journey since that day 16 years ago has been interesting. Three years to the day after this one Derek was wheeled into a operating room to remove a tumor from his brain. He has struggled with the complications of that early birth and with each trail he has met it and overcome. I have a huge testimony of the strength that is held by those kids who suffer through illness. They have a fortitude that is immeasurable.

So I celebrate today. I celebrate the birth of my last child and the journey that he an I have been on since that day. I am incredibly sad that at this moment he is so far away. Distance, though, doesn't change the relationship we have or the relationship I have with all of my precious babies. When I wake in the morning and kneel to pray my first words are always.... Thank you Lord for my children. How could I not be grateful for them. Each one has added something so special and real into my life.

My third daughter said to me when things were almost at there worst. "Mom, I know I chose to come to you. It wouldn't have mattered who you married, it was you I was meant to be with." How can you ever repay the comfort those words bring to me. To know that somehow I was meant to be the Mom to these amazing kids.

So Happy Birthday Big D! 16 and ready to take on the dating world. I am so glad I came to this amazing earth and that I can have such an incredible time living on it!

The only difference between saints an sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. Oscar Wilde

After having survived a rather oppressive existence, I have found the greatest sense of being in the life I live now. It is free of judgment and criticism and holding a religion I love so much over the heads of those I love so dearly. It has made me wonder; "what does my Father in Heaven really expect of me when it comes to religion and my children?"

When I was a young Mom I wanted my children to have all that they required to be successful and happy. As the years passed I realized that those two attributes are so easily misconstrued and that having them can be done in a zillion different ways. So what is successful and what is happy for your own children and how do you help them find it?

So here I have the two questions that have flanked me for the last few years. I love my children. That love defines me as an individual and as a mother. I raised my children to know right from wrong and to follow the simple rule of… No hurting others, no hurting yourselves, and no hurting things. A simple task that they grasped fairly well with slight deviations every now and then.

The home they grew up in was one full of contradictions. They had no way of knowing that they were safe and secure because of the tension that existed in that home. Try as I might I could not stop the oppressiveness that would strip them of the fundamental principal of the gospel that they fought valiantly in the pre-existence for. When you take away choice there are some who will fight valiantly for it back! Guess what… that’s what mine did.

All the scripture reading and family home evenings will never make up for stripping choice away. Giving children options gives kids a chance to grow and mature. They will make wrong choices, count on it! But only being disappointed will cause heartache. You must couple disappointment with a sincere and unconditional love that will place them under your wing while they heal from those wrong choices they participated in.

I know my role now. As three of my four children recover from the brutality of our lives they have learned that you can survive and forgive. Yesterday, my oldest reminded me that though it was difficult it could have been much worse. He could have physically destroyed them. They choose now to live and be happy by their own definition. I must accept that definition and support who they are becoming with the faith that God will work it all out. He is so just and so kind that I am sure our family will get a few Mulligan’s.

I look forward to being a grandparent. I look forward to having my family around me and enjoying their laughter. The peace and contentment that exists now has brought me great strength as we continue to recover to normal status. I find solace in the knowledge that God loves everyone and that he does indeed love me and my ever so broken family. He will embrace us all and carry us to a brighter and better future because he did after all afford us that through the atonement. But as the derivative of the word implies, that principal is At-One-Ment meaning only I as an individual can apply it to myself.

So as this world further corrupts itself and we lose more and more of our precious children; rather than consider them lost lets seek them and love them and let God do the judging. The burden for us to judge comes at too high a price.

Billy Joel once penned the words, "I’d rather laugh with the sinners then cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun!" I abide those words. Not in the context that is so easily applied but by the notion that the sinners have truly come to know who they are in their God’s eyes and are self determined to live happy and be at peace.

I cannot define to my adult children what will make them happy. They can see what makes me happy and know that I am finally finding peace. If you ask, "am I okay with my daughters being less active?" The answer is simple. Whether I am or not is irrelevant because as adults that is their choice. There inactivity is theirs to own. My job, as assigned by God himself, is to nurture and love them which I very proudly do because they are very successful and very happy! And as for what my Father expects of me with regards to our religion? He expects me to know of the Plan of Salvation and testify of its purpose on this earth; which I do.

Bishop H and Transitions

Throughout my journey back into single hood I have had four different Bishops and still lived in the same ward. I have heard of this happening but for me I have done nothing but grow and gain one of the most profound testimonies of church leadership and Bishops that one person can have. All have been essential in my growing and becoming whole and they all remain dear to my heart.
My new Bishop just happens to be one of my best friends husband. It has been harder to remember to call him Bishop H rather than his first name then it has been to learn that I could trust him. He is kind and compassionate and if anything brings out in me a desire to really conclude the healing and be done with any more heartache over these last few years. Yet, he has great concern for my family as a whole and for our well being.
So, with that being said, the following is a story he gave me when I was going through a particularly bad week.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

Chapter 1
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost..... I am hopeless
It isn't my fault
It takes forever to find a way out
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I am in the same place
But, it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is still there
I still fall in..... It's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it
Chapter 5
I choose a different street.

So you can see the wisdom in my new Bishop. We believe I am somewhere between chapter 4 and 5 but sometimes I get stupid. I can hardly wait until I am truly adventuring down a whole new neighborhood!

Summit Lake, Waterton.

One of the big changes I have made since transitioning into my new found life is to get out more and have some great adventures. Yeah, I know, I probably should have been doing this a long time ago but fun just wasn't part of the our Family dynamics.

I went to Waterton National Park with some awesome friends and we hiked up from Cameron Lake to Summit Lake. A rigorous.. (at least I thought so) hike that tested the endurance of my asthma laden lungs. With two in front and one behind they heard me wease my way through 4 kms of wonderful scenery to land for lunch at this incredible lake!

What I love about my incredible friends is that they have patience and they seem to be okay with my pit stops to catch my breath. Growing up with Asthma sucks.... literally, but having it as an adult is just darned inconvenient. I would hate to miss these incredible experiences because I gave up or thought them to hard. That's whats changed about me. I am not going to quit because a little weasing gets in the way. Look what I would miss if I did that!

Thank-you girls. I appreciate your friendship more than you will ever know!

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.

Have you ever talked yourself out of something because you were afraid or felt like you simply couldn’t do it? When I was married I was bombarded with “cant’s” and “wont’s” and “there is no way you will be able to do that”. Every once in a while I would shock him and accomplish something and he would be a bit stunned and then say something about it being a one time thing.

Well about six years ago when I knew that I would have to do some things that would, for all intents and purposes, be impossible I completely eliminated those words…can’t, won’t and never.

I began a journey that would entail three years of hard school and 14 hour days but I don’t think I ever once felt like it was impossible. I knew that selling sewing machines for $6.00/hr wasn’t going to cut it and so I was off and running to change that.

At one point, the he in my life said there was no way I was going to be able to accomplish it. I wonder if he will ever know how much motivation I garnished from that single statement.

So the analogy of the “Little Engine That Could” applies here and I set out on a journey of self discovery. I don’t ever remember being tired or exhausted from the long days. My lunch hours were full of studying and after work I would go to the library and study until my classes started. I do remember feeling fulfilled as with each exam I took I was one step closer to my goal.

Sometimes in life you can’t look at the finish line. To get through you have to keep your eyes on the present and persevere to just the first hurdle and then the next and the next. I sure prayed a lot during this time. I think the whole CTrain ride (20 minutes) both ways was me bowing my head and just thanking the Lord for my journey and asking humbly for some help along the way.

So what did I learn from all of this?

• Never assume that something is impossible, find a way for it to be possible for you.
• Always rely on your Father in Heaven, you’d be surprised at the burdens he can carry for you if you ask.
• Rely on friends and family for ego boosters! As people watch you better yourself they become the greatest cheerleaders.
• If you have kids, your example of fulfilling your dreams will be the greatest gift you can give them.
• Expect some setbacks, they are part of the growing process and without them your forward motion is too easy and can crumble.
• That the story my father read me of the “Little Engine That Could” is one of the greatest life lessons I have ever learned. Thank-you Dad!

So why blog about this now? First; the quote. I am living a dream now. It is still hard and there are days I wish it was different but for the most part I have been truly blessed because I did what would have been nearly impossible a few years earlier. The Lord has truly blessed me. Second; because S needs to know that she can do anything too. You are an amazing person with great heart and finding out you can will make you life that much better! Being scared is normal, overcoming fear is divine.

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

The act of forgiveness is one of the most divine principals of the gospel. It holds within its actions the ability to free your soul and bring you to a Zen experience unequal to almost anything I know. It is however one of the most difficult actions any human being can endeavor.
To forgive frees the person doing it to live a more purposeful life. Your thoughts and action become more consistent and you become whole.
The actions of others that cause great harm and can even overwhelm you, they can emotionally cripple you but the choice remains with you for this burden to last or to end.
I find forgiveness easier than not. To ask for it is humiliating but truly the only way to step forward after sin. To give it brings a deeper sense of spirituality and contentment. The feeling is indescribable but awesome.
In the span of a divorce you must seek forgiveness and you must grant it. How your ex accepts or rejects it is another matter. These actions will close the final chapters of your life as a couple and it will free you to love again. Without participating in these acts you chance bringing the baggage of your past life in to your next and give it a greater prospect of failure.
You may need to grant forgiveness without it ever being asked for. This task is the most difficult of all. This final hurdle feels like the Grand Canyon of chasms. It’s where I lie now. I need to move on. It will only happen if I let go of the pain and forgive. Notice I am not required to completely forget.
If I were to do that I would chance a repeat in my life. The most important thing here is to really learn from my mistakes. To look at them, address them and find solutions to not repeat them.
So I say again, what am I on about? Moving on. Finally healing the last of my broken soul and finding happiness in the most Zen of ways. Learning to love myself again.
I will find this. I will strive and grow and be all that I can be so as to be someone to whom my children, my family, and my friends can say….. WOW, that’s one YoMomma.

If it changes your life, let it.

Have you ever seen that poster with a picture of the Savior and the bottom caption reads…” I never said life would be easy, I said it would be worth it.”
There have been so many times when I have thought of that poster and just cringed! Don’t get me wrong, I love the Savior and all that he has done for me but I have sometimes grown weary of the challenges that have been mine these last few years. Sunday was a huge turning point for me.
I received a letter in the mail that was supposed to be an apology. There is no question to the motivation to the letter. It was required in order for this person to get what he wants. It has little substance and really amounts to just enough said to accomplish the task.
That being said, how did I feel when I read it? Confused!
My first question is; “Is this really all it is going to take for him to get what he wants?”
After so many harmful words and actions, after surviving each day picking up the pieces of the mess that he made and comforting and consoling those that were so painfully harmed, a two paragraph letter will suffice?
And if so; then what?
For the longest time all I have ever wanted is an acknowledgment of the harm and pain. This letter doesn’t reflect that. It is forced and reticent and clearly indicates the author only pens the words out of obligation.
How does one respond?
I let go and I let GOD.
If the world were fair and all things equal none of what has been my life would have been my necessary journey. But this world is not fair and equal only comes at the end of a mathematical sum. What I want and what I will get will never be the same unless it is my destiny to fulfill.
I accept the letter as truly the only way an apology will ever be afforded to me or my kids in this life.
As I struggle each day as a single MOM and the sole proprietor of my children’s well being I will hold my head high and survive. I will have the respect of my kids and my family and they will know that my sanity was hard fought for and is intact!
God is my guide and he will influence my choices that will take into account my entire family and I will be remembered as a JOY. I choose to live to that legacy and pass it on to my 3 girls and son. There is no greater sacrifice, except that of the Savior's, than being a parent. Someday my children will understand.
Life changed me…. for the better. I love who I am and look forward to continued growth in strength and endurance.
My life to this point as been worth it!

Answers to Frivolous Prayers

Have you ever asked yourself if what you are praying for is really valid to take to the Lord? When the world is full of calamity and chaos what is really okay to pray for? World peace or end to war...... what about lost keys? How about seeing the one concert you have literally dreamed of for your entire life and not having to go on the sabbath? That prayer was answered.

I have a few things on my "Bucket List" that really, after doing them, will probably not enhance my life to a vast degree of spirituality but will bring a smile or a thrill that will make the day better. I fulfilled one of those "Bucket List" items last night.

It was an answer to a frivolous prayer but hey, I was able to see James Taylor live in concert in Edmonton and it was GREAT! I had the greatest time and now know why James T was one of my favorite music artists. I love that I do this now. Enough of the waiting around to live life. I will go and do my "Bucket List" items an enjoy them and I will balance my life well.

So yes, I prayed for a frivolous thing and the Lord saw fit to answer in a way that I really needed! No one will ever know just how much it really meant but when you see me at church on Sunday, with a huge smile on my face. Know that the answer to this prayer may be the reason you can see that smile.

Thanks Again!

S