The Fear of -

You cannot run away from weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?
~ Robert Louis Stevenson


I had a weird week this week and an even a stranger weekend. I am finding married life so satisfying and W and I am so into each other that we need to remind one other that we need to get out and socialize more. We were both so tired as well, maybe some kind of virus, but overall a very slow weekend.

So, while I was visiting teaching last Thursday I was asked to say the opening prayer at sacrament meeting this Sunday. The funny thing about all the changes I have made in the last while is that this annoying fear has risen with regards to speaking in church. I know exactly where it came from, no problem understanding that. One F&T meeting I was feeling the spirit big time, I wanted to thank my friends for all the help they had given me and all I could do was cry. I was so overwhelmed. I looked out and there it was, a family laughing, right at me and making the gesture of being crazy. That was pretty much the last time I bore my testimony and excepting the talk I gave a while back, the last time I ever spoke at the pulpit.

Fear comes into our lives in so many different ways. It can be real, like a fear of “strangers” or flying or heights, or imaginary, much like I think my nephew must be going through as he battles mental illness. Anyway you look at it; it can encompass you and change the direction of your life. It can disable the very being of you and letting it control you, not so great.

So what am I on about?

Well, I wanted desperately to say no, but I couldn’t. I mean, come-on, it’s just a prayer. I gathered my nerves and I gave the prayer and it felt like a step, a small one for sure, but at least a step towards really overcoming what for some seems credulous and small but for me, monumental. I was happy and the super sonic millisecond prayer, I for sure felt the spirit, even if it was for just me. The family was there and I didn’t have the heart to look at them, I just couldn’t. I can’t even tell you exactly how they feel; they are a bit like that. They make fun of people but as far as their intent to hurt, I can’t say. They don’t seem the type.

I had a good hard look at what I fear from this though. It seems odd that some fears that would cripple others are little bitty to me but some are – saying a prayer in church, I know, some of you are laughing; huge for me. I fear so much and yet little of it makes a difference in the way I live now. I seem to step forward, face them and then move on. I guess this is what being mentally healthy is all about.

I may never be defined as normal or cultural or ever be accepted in the moving circle of mormondom again but I have never been so content with what I believe and know in my heart. I am committed for my own commitment sake and actually prescribe to my own drummer. I wish that others could see the strength in that resolve.

I found this quote in a rather obscure way and though I think that 9 out of 10 Mormons would dismiss it’s truth because of the deliverer I find that when someone can truly know why it is that they believe what they do and then decide that they define it without inflicting it on others I have respect. I have been able to find my spiritual self by truly forcing me to examine what it is that I believe is spiritual. It may never be addressed from a pulpit in the form of a testimony, I know – Coward that I am – but it is within my heart. God knows it, he hears it silently borne all the time, He hears it every time I face a fear and overcome it. He knows the intent of my heart.

“But my two cents (what you’ve picked up on here) is that commitment is what forges real faith. The process of wrestling with our doubts and committing oneself to the community in spite of one’s doubts is what forges real faith. Doubt is a crucible that burns away everything in our faith that is chaff and dross. We turn up the heat by wrestling honestly with our doubt, which we can only be motivated to do within a framework of commitment.” ~John Gustav-Wrathall