The Greatest Moments

"One of the greatest moments in anybodies developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is."

Norman Vincent Peale

Well, it New Year's Eve and I can bet that many of us are reflecting on this past year. What did we accomplish? What burdens did we carry? Who did we lose and who did we gain?

When I think of all this my heart smiles and I proudly state, 2008 was a great year!

So what of 2009? What does it have in store for me?

It will be peaceful and happy. It will involve adventure and gaining new friendships and nourishing those I already have. It will be about growth and compromise. It will be wonderful. It will be.

2008 gave me who I am.

I look forward to uncovering more of who I am and I have hopes for this year. I have a hope that my soul may come to rest from all the questions and that the answers may not matter. That everyone everywhere will survive the hard economic times and know that through turmoil we gain strenght. That those with beautiful voices will share thier songs and that love will find it's way into the lonelist of hearts. That my heart my open to the possibility and that my childrens hearts won't explode from the possibilites that are in their lives already!

I hope for contentment. For the knowlege that it doesn't ever matter what others think and that working at this isn't the chore it is now but just becomes an instinct. With that being said, I hope I always instinctually know the hearts of my family and friends and that I can be there for them when needed like they have been there for me this past year. I hope for the completion of the process and that the scars become unnoticable and don't impede people from knowing who I really am.

To a New Year I say welcome. Come and stay awhile. We're glad you are finally here.

And to the old year..... Thank-you. Without you I would never have grown to the woman I am now.

What You Think

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Robert McCloskey



I have had an experience tonight that made me realize that I doubt I will ever be fully understood. The misconception of an abused women interferes with people seeing me for who I am and what I mean to say.

I am not sure how to overcome this.

I have never felt more healthy and secure in my life. I have brought my family....., well, let me rephrase this; all of us together have brought this family out of a very dark and dismal place and we are all functioning in a way that defines emotional recovery.

My family will always have baggage but it is packed and put away. It may not appear that we have come out of this unscathed but the reality is we will have scars and that these scars are, for the most part, healed.

I tried to tell someone how I felt today. About the feelings I have when I am at church, about feeling invisible and I believe I was completely misunderstood.

I have been through so much and I have exercised more faith than I ever have in my entire life. To receive an admonition to have more faith seems repetitive and patronizing. Why do people think my tears or my frustrations indicate that I haven't let go. Please! Please try and hear what I am saying!

I can't communicate this anymore. I will never understand why I have to pay such a huge price for my life. I made every effort possible to avoid this outcome and yet everyday I pay a huge price for it. Why do divorced people have to sit back and just be invisible. Why does any expression of emotion or frustration mean instability or weakness? Why can't it indicate recovery and healing? What if all we want is for life to just be back to a normal way, the way you lived before.

If I learned anything today it is to just shut up and remain invisible and hope that someday someone will recognize my heart as healed not still wounded.

This is where I question my faith and ask myself why I bother. It's the point where some just give up.

I know people respect my journey. I know my news is old and over, believe it or not, it is for me too but I will never understand.

You say I am negative and yet I am trying to change a culture that breeds negativity.

I will put the smile back on my face and "keep sweet" and you will see me on my bench every Sunday because I know that is what the Big Guy needs me to do. But my underlying weariness is there .

And people wonder why singles are leaving the church in droves.

For those who are reading this please know I am still very happy in my life. As a matter of fact, I love what my life has become in so many ways except in church.

I can't change a culture, I just have to learn to accept its parameters and live within them.

Thinking About the New Year

"I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course."What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears."
Gordon B Hinckley

As I reflect on this past year and think about the one to come my thoughts are on those things that I can do that would improve my life. I have been through a lot and knowing that I want things to change. I want to purge the past and really hold on to the positive of my new life.

So here's to that and a resolution.

Purge the past and move forward in faith.

Children

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”

An Open Letter to My Children for Christmas!

I love you more now than I have ever and the thought that this love will continue to grow is so exhilarating to me.

Thank-you, for being so incredible and for making everyday the best days of my life while we share our lives.

We are together this Christmas and I want you to know just how much that means to me. To know that we gather in love and acceptance and that right now we are a family is so comforting and has made this journey that I have been on easier and more satisfying. Once again, thank-you!

Thank-you girls for bringing the most wonderful and happening friends into the picture. They add so much to us and seem to fit. At times, it feels like they were always here. We are missing one, he's in Thailand and he is missed. It's like the seat is empty waiting.

I think what I want most of all is to Thank-you kidlets for being so supportive and for knowing just the right thing to say at just the right time and for just being you. I have so many proud moments I can't even count them.

I love you all so much! I have been so blessed in my life. The Lord has truly placed his grace in my life. I can't think of anything more that I could have wanted than what I have now with you. You have grown beyond my children and become my friends.

Thank-you!

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of
hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart. "
- George Mathew Adams

My mother taught me that in life there are two kinds of people. Those who give and those who take. She emphasized that life had a way of bring who you are to the surface at special times of the year like Christmas.

She was very much a Giver (By the way, read the book "The Giver" by Lois Lowry, it's fantastic at the concept) and spent her entire life in the act of improving the lives of others. Her first profession was a nurse, her second, a wedding florist. She made others lives better and she was a great example to me always.

So what am I on about.

The gathering of family is a time to find the truths in each other that make a family a whole. We are five now and I can not express enough how much more whole we are as compared to the past. I watch my kids and their efforts and I know I have raised givers. I am so proud of them.

My mother's legacy weaves its way through the hearts and minds of my children and will always be the corner stone of the philosophies of my family. I can't help but feel her spirit so intertwined with our spirit of Christmas because at that time she came alive and turned Christmas into the experience we search for always.

May we all find within us the "giver" and turn Christmas over to it's true meaning.

Merry Christmas everyone!

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I learned a very important lesson today on perspective. It came from a very unlikely source and it involved two very different points of view.

Someone was describing a time in the past and thanked my friends for the bonding and loving experience that it was, how the experience brought them closer and how he had such fond memories. In his opinion it was an activity that was truly inspirational.

My friends experience was very different. They remember this time as horrid and hard and if anything cemented the fracture in the relationship that has existed for a long time. In fact, PTS syndrome has been a result. It damaged them and they have nothing but bad memories of it.

How can there be such a different perspective on the same thing and here's the clicker; where is the truth?

So here's what I am on about.

From my past experiences I have learned that each of us draw to any experience our own perspective, our own truths. We see things from our own eyes, process it, give it reason and move on.

Good people will then understand that differences are real and that what one person may see as pleasurable and growing another may see as downright abuse and has no purpose at all.

Each has elements of truth, the fault lies in not understanding that each of us has a right to see things from our own point of view and also in not accepting that another truth may have reason in it as well.

My guess is that the individual I write about will never understand that his pleasurable experience ever caused the amount of pain that it did. He is quite incapable of understanding that. With that being said, it does not take away from the pain the others feel, it is real, for them and for those that care for them.

May we all find the self respect to see another light and to give them the God given right to feel and know that for them their truths are every bit the fabric that comforts their souls.

That when we comprehend the paradigms of those who share our life that we can see into them and support their truths so that they can know that they are loved and that by stepping out of ours we can understand what true compassion is.

Christmas is the perfect season to begin this. Find it in your heart to look beyond your own perspective, beyond your own point of view and try and understand someone else's world from their eyes. Covey calls this win - win.

I have endeavored to make this a practise in my life for some time. It has brought me great peace and understanding and I have learned that when I take the time to see this way I most often avoid unnecessary conflict. I always find peace in this endeavor.

"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time."

~Laura Ingalls Wilder

I cannot even express the excitement that I feel as my family begins the gathering for Christmas. My heart is swelling with Joy! I just finished decorating the tree and in a few hours I'll be heading out to get the fixing's for a day of baking with the women of my family. It is every cliche personified and yet, I don't care!

I haven't been able to pull out the creche and nativity my mother so lovingly made for me. I need to work up to it. I know I'll feel her presence when I do and I am so excited for her to check in and see just how far we have come since she has been gone. I promised her that not only would I survive but that I would heal and grow to be everything she was. It will take years but am I ever adoring the journey. I think she would be proud of me and the children. We are so a family of love and caring and knowing the strength of just having each others back.

My first BBG gets home in less that 24 hours. She has given me her first gift. She wants to come to church with me. She knows how much it will mean and though she may face the words and cruelty that was there for her she is unselfish in her gift to me. The church just isn't for her but she knows how much it means to me. This is how I know my children's hearts are pure and loved. How can you ever not know she is one of Heavenly Fathers chosen children.

My family is so important to me. I understand my HF's plan for me. I know that my most divine role is in parenting and that in my case, my children are in God's ever so wonderful graces. We will have peace. We will have love. We will be filled with Joy! How can you not look to this great season as a child and then carry it throughout the whole year.

To all of my friends and family; Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and more than anything else, Thank-you for your support and love to all of us throughout this year. I am so much better for having all of you in my life.

Thank-you.

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. "

C. S. Lewis

My life’s circumstances have forced me to take an exhaustive look at what I know to be true and every part of what I believe has been challenged by the culture my beliefs reside in. Yeah, that was an ear full.

What are you on about now; listen with your heart as you read.

I LOVE the gospel of Jesus Christ. What he came to this earth to do and did have given me one of the greatest gifts and life lessons to live and breathe by.

The principle of forgiveness alone is one aspect that can free you soul and give breath to every moment of your life. The despair you live under as you go about your days without granting forgiveness to yourself or others can deconstruct your life to a point where living it is impossible.

The burden of such a life is far too great to bear and pointless because He has afforded us the privilege of bearing that burden for us.

The atonement is so crucial in the development of your self worth. Without it I cannot conceive the pathway of a life journey in any safe and joyful kind of way. I am so grateful for having come to a more astute and impartial way of understanding this great gift.

The Savior’s life and his path is also another great barometer to how one should conduct themselves. He did not surround himself by drones and like minded people. His disciples were varied and represented every part of life in the holy land at the time. It would be hard to fathom the gossip and criticism that he must have drawn as he called Matthew, a tax collector, into his inner circle. I am sure that even some of the other disciples had to swallow their harsh words and feelings to overcome the preconceived prejudices so that they could govern this new church in harmony and peace.

With all this being said what is it I want to say.

I have always looked at things mostly from my own vantage point. How does what is happening affect my life and what does it mean to me? The transition that is now happening is that more often that not, I look the reverse way and because of that I am able to somehow survive the culture that is not so welcoming of the life I have now.

There are so many times when being at church is the last place I have wanted to be. I felt I could not abide one more day of invisibility or heartache and then I remembered that the reasons for being there don’t lie in the social aspect but the spiritual and I let all of the burdens go that I have hoisted on my own back and continue to face the culture.

The sadness I feel is that the culture, in most cases, does not reflect the purposes of the gospel nor I believe the hearts of most of the people.

Now, here’s the hard part. How can I/we change that?

By being and acting different.

When you see that sister/brother alone and hurting and you all know what I mean, every ward has them. Don’t be afraid. There is a good chance they have no intention of burdening you and even if they do, count it as a blessing that they trust you enough to share and then ….., simply listen. It really is all that they are looking for.

Make this culture about the gospel and not about the people. Be different so difference can happen. I have seen far too many people I love leave because they cannot stand the hurt and the frustration any more.

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem and make it a point, especially this Christmas season, to reach out unexpectedly and make a difference in a members life that you may feel is struggling with their testimony and faith.

PLEASE - Don’t be fake either. Commit to the Saviors example and genuinely care! These people need it. Heck, we all need it. I have committed to being Mormon not out of some cultural decision but because, above all else, I know this gospel is true…., for me.

These people are not hard to find, they are all around you. If you don’t believe me, stop and think for a moment. Now, lift your hands up and use your fingers to count how many of your friends have left the pews. My guess is you’ll run out of fingers. Now, do something more, count how many are family members.

(As a side note here; people have the right to choose a different path than our faith. If that’s the case then all I ask is; how do you treat those who have left? If you have distanced yourself and no longer have anything to do with them, maybe that is an indication of your cultural attachment to the church.)

The church is all encompassing and takes up a huge amount of time. I am guilty of letting good friends go. Being Mormon or not is not a criterion to friendship. A balanced approach to life includes all denominations. One of my dear friends is Muslim and had I not been friends with her I would not have any grasp on the world as we know it. Branching out and extending ourselves is the best medicine for a crowded and unwelcoming heart.

Here’s another of my wishes this Christmas, on a very personal note. I have hope that we will extend ourselves as a faith into the lives of those that we know and have loved who we have lost or may lose contact with and let them know how grateful we are and have been for their presence in our lives. Now that’s a Christmas present with great value and well worth giving.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Some Things Don't Matter

"You know, some things don’t matter that much Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person’s heart – now that matters."
August – The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd

If I hadn’t already said this, which I believe I already have in previous entry, I love to read.

Now, you can’t categorize what it is I like because it ranges from Dan Brown’s "Digital Fortress" to Jane Austen’s anything. What it is I love about reading is the lyrical nature of the words and the message they bring.

Messages are the most important part of it and they can be found as blatantly as in a title to a simple sentence addressed by a character in the novel, like the above quote.

So what am I on about?

There I was, finished my morning musings to the Big Guy while I was riding the blessed CTrain. (I doubt I will ever develop a fondness for that mode of transportation!) And I began to read my current novel; " The Secret Lives of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd.

Yeah, I know it’s been made into a movie. No, I haven’t seen it yet and yes, I will probably go once I am finished reading the book. This book has one of my favorite formats for a novel. Conflict and struggles hidden amongst the everyday living of average people. I loved "To Kill a Mocking Bird" by Harper Lee so anything familiarly close to that becomes of interest to me as this one did. Besides…. It’s the book club read so two stones with one bird here.

I have been enjoying it so much. I haven’t had a ton of time for novel reads so this is one book that truly is taking me away in its adventure and I get quite caught up in it. I almost missed my stop last night as I had gotten to a very pivotal part of the novel.

This morning, as I was reading, it happened. Words, that when combined together so effortlessly and beautifully bring my mind to a stand still and causes it to reflect…. Deeply.

The above words from the novel did just that. In-between the 39th Ave and Erlton station on the south leg of the Calgary Transit CTrain line, my mind paused and I reflected and had another AHA moment. Go figure.

What did my mind repeat; "THIS I BELIEVE. THIS I PRACTISE."

After pondering it, I thought, "this is truth revealed to witness how much I have changed". I really have rediscovered in my life a way to make the things that should matter mean something and purge the mundane little things to exactly where they belong.

If I wondered, at incidence at church brought it to light.

One of D. friends came to me and was bitterly complaining that I was allowing D. to do something on a Sunday that he felt, or maybe better stated, that his family felt was inappropriate for that day.

Without even flinching I turned to the young man and said " How could anybody ever judge how perfect you are if others aren’t allowed to do imperfect things that you can be compared to?"

The young man was stunned. Now please, understand, I wasn't trying to be rude. I just wanted this young man to understand that D made that choice and it was his alone. In hind sight, I probably could have elaborated a bit better and probably should have.

There are people who will never be able to understand the dynamics of my family and the way that decisions have to be made now. Because, for so very long, choice was not afforded, valiant spirits fought back and inappropriate choices were made. Through counseling, I have been told to allow my kids to make even wrong choices, but to follow through and council with them so as to inform them of all that is available to them. Most importantly, however, to understand that the choice is theirs to make, especially at the ages they are.

When D got home, we talked. A heartfelt, sincere discussion ensued and we have committed to try and be more willing to follow the principles’ we love. I cannot force anything on my kids. I can gently lead them. At some point, they lead themselves, hopefully in peace and harmony to their own truths.

Yeah, in most Mormon eyes I will never win "Mother of the Year" award. So be it.

In the eyes of my children though, I am trying and they respect that.

There is no failure in the effort to succeed, only in the refusal to ever move forward in faith knowing that sometimes the outcome can’t be predicted.

My children and I love each other, the way the Savior would expect us to. Their knowing that my love is not contingent on their choices but on their beings gives them a self worth that enables them to be safe and secure. Their choices then are not blurred by a desire to find something that is missing because I have failed to give them it. They have unconditional love.

That is what a parent must do.

A Glorious Time of Year.

"This is a glorious time of the year, simple in origin, deep in meaning, beautiful in tradition and custom, rich in memories, and charitable in spirit. It has an attraction to which our hearts are readily drawn. This joyful season brings to each of us a measure of happiness that corresponds to the degree in which we have turned our mind, feelings, and actions to the spirit of Christmas."

Thomas S. Monson,

"What Is Christmas?" Ensign, Dec. 1998, 2

I have the fondest memories of Christmas and none of them involve gifts I received. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember very much about those gifts I do about the feelings I had about the giving of Christmas gifts. Mom put so much into the giving and that was what made it so WONDERFUL.

Mom was a very industrious women and most of what we received over the years was made, from the clothes we wore to the clothes our Barbie’s enjoyed. I remember hours and hours of time spent with family and the one gift throughout the season was being with them. Aunts and Uncles, younger cousins; Christmas was always about being with family.

One year, when I believe money might have been an issue. Mom decided to creatively wrap every gift she had. There were trains and diggers and doll made out of many different boxes. These boxes were created into so many different things that the most joy came from seeing what came next. The looks on my young cousin’s faces were priceless and when you think about it, at that age, the unwrapping of the gifts could sometimes be more exciting.

Christmas has such a spirit of Joy still. Mom weaves through every part of it from the decorating, as you pull out one more decoration she made for you, to the clay Nativity set her and M painstakingly crafted for all 7 families. I still weep as these come out and it brings her once again back into my home. It’s as if she is beside me and I feel her warmth in my soul.
What we accomplish as parents at Christmas is so essential to a feeling that our children will carry forward and pass on for generation to generations to come.

I am hoping this year, as money is significantly less, and things will be very different, that my children and I can have such an incredible growth in spirit of family that I can at least find the hope that we too will know the peace of being a family and being together. If anticipation is an indicator we are so getting there. My heart beats faster each day as we get closer to all being together again.

Family is Zen!

Always.

That’s the spirit of Christmas.