Charity is not always Quick.

“If charity is not always quick to our understanding,it may occasionally be quick to our misunderstanding.It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others. God’s commandment that as we love him we must respect ourselves suggests we must not accept disrespect from others. It is not charity to let another repeatedly deny our divine nature and agency. It is not charity to bow down in despair and helplessness. That kind of suffering should be ended, and that is very difficult to do alone. There
are priesthood leaders and other loving servants who will give aid and strength when they know of the need.We must be willing to let others help us”

Sister Aileen H. Clyde
(in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 107; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 77).

This will be, if I have anything to say about it, my last victim blog entry!


I will address this and then it is done! Allowing someone who does this evil and insidious practise entrance into our lives is habitual. Once you are aware that you have the power and right to not allow it to be part of your existence anymore you can CHOOSE to have it gone! Yes, that's right. A Choice!


How you make that choice come into your life is defined by your own circumstances. You set the limits, the boundaries! You must make that choice. You simply must! Even if it becomes hard, the effort will be well worth it.


Decide what you deserve and then live to that choice. If the abuser can not be understanding then you must make a further choice, all of which are very difficult but again, let me repeat....ALWAYS worth it.

I am free. I don't hurt like I used to. I am breathing and living and feeling more love than I ever have and because I know I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and because of the support I have received from so many people around me I know that I can make it through any storm or trial.


Let me first state here though and you must exhaust every possibility before you bail. God will let you know when you have done enough. It is a feeling that every women I know who has chosen to leave a temple marriage has borne witness to me that it comes to them. Is is difficult to discribe, it a sense of peace in the middle of a hurricane, it is ZEN.


Being single in a couple dominated religion is VERY HARD! In my case, even as hard as it is, it is still easier than what being married was.


The militancy stops here. :0) happiness is emerging again.

Thank God.

“There is no better way to thank God for your sight than by giving a helping hand to someone in the dark.”

~ Helen Keller

I seriously dislike the Calgary city planners... really.... what are thinking?


When I go for my afternoon walk downtown, I have to transverse over piles of construction and go from one side of the street for two blocks to crossing the street to the other side for two blocks than back again all to avoid the massive amount of partial street closures that make it impossible to just walk down a city side walk.


Today though, I have now been directly affected. It hit my pocketbook, or for that matter, A's pocket book which we are still in discussion about. She was running errands today and borrowed my car. In picking me up from work downtown she drove through a recently opened lane on 9th Ave. About 1 minute later we started to hear this unbelievable noise like someone was throwing steel at my car. She pulled over and lo and behold a 1/2" bolt with a matching steel plate had embedded itself in my tire! UGHHHHHHHH! I hate flat tires.


No really, I absolutely do hate flat tires!!!


There we were in front of the Calgary Tower and watching as the air was slowly oozing out of my tire. A being the multi talented women that she is reminded me that we are SHE-WOMEN and we that we 'CAN DO IT!". We started to pull out the paraphernalia that facilitates the changing of a tire as all these executive men casually looked on and offered no help. Yeah for educated men! I guess you need to be Barbie like for them to offer any assistance. But alas, all was not lost!


Joe construction worker, who no doubt had started his day at 6am stopped and asked if he could give us a hand. This guy looked like he had one heck of a hard day but he got the lug bolts off, which, by the way, must have been screwed on by Hercules himself, and wham, bam, the tire was changed in a total of 10 minutes. We thanked him profusely and I gave him a few buck to get a warm coffee so he could warm up and my faith in mankind was restored.


Who was the night in shining armour! A hard working construction guy with a heart!


The shame of it is that I didn't get his name. My faith is restored, they are decent people out there still, they're just not in suits, their in Mark's Work Warehouse coveralls!

"But if Not...,"

"The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don't seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us."~ Dennis E. Simmons

"But If Not . . .," Ensign, May 2004, 73

I have been trying to understand my role in this universe. Where do I really stand and to whom does my shadow fall. Especially now, when it would be easy to give up all that I KNOW is good for ME. Where is my Faith and what does it expect of me.... NOW.


Martin Luther says; "Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it."


I feel like I've died a thousand deaths only to rise again to be shot down once more. Why bounce back?


Because in the bouncing there's a rush of hope that says, this time, it will all be different. You just know that this one time, it will be what you want most of all, when you know what it is you want most of all.


You would think at 46 that my issues with finding faith would be over but I am finding this struggle equal to when I first sought out a testimony. Inside me though, is an unwavering belief in the goodness of God and his peaceable, loving nature.


I know I am loved, not just by him but by all my family and friends and that they care.


This is why this battle seems beatable.


I am supported.


THANK-YOU!

We Will be Quiet!

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.”

~Henry David Thoreau

I have always believed that whether by the words of my prophet or by the words of the general authorities that they would be gospel and that we need to adhere to them.

I have come to the understanding that it may not always be the case. Those words are up to interpretation and even though the meaning may seam crystal clear, it IS ALWAYS up to judgement and in that, women like me can find disappointment.

The words:

"If you are divorced, do you provide for the real financial need of the children you have fathered, not just the minimum legal requirement?"

and

"As a bishop, when you counsel with a husband and wife who are in marital difficulty, do you give the same credence to the statements of the woman that you do to the man? As I travel throughout the world, I find that some women are shortchanged in that a priesthood leader is more persuaded by a son rather than a daughter of Father in Heaven. That imbalance simply must never occur."

Richard G. Scott.

I have come to an understanding that anything can be manipulated. My family's voice was only heard where the leaders knew both of us. Those that didn't, did not seek to know the truth. I am picking up the pieces of broken hearts and spirits yet again. I hope that my daughters can come to an understanding of the fatalities of man, even our church leaders.

The kind and wise words of my Bishop - "our existence on this planet is one of surviving the trials and experiences which Heavenly Father obviously knows we need, sometimes it is only by faith that we overcome them, hopefully you and your children can rely on Heavenly Father's wisdom at this difficult time." bring some comfort.

Believe it or not. I understand him. He has tried and done all that he could to help, but in the end it really did become a he said/ she said argument.

My words to those leaders who may not hear voices like my children and mine.

"When another woman and or family come to you and speak about emotional abuse; please hear them. These circumstances and events are real. This is a quiet, insidious and evil practise and causes so much devastation and heartache it destroys people and lives. I have been told that my children and I suffered one of the most severe and cruel cases ever seen by our therapists that have helped us.
I cannot change your decision nor do I want to. All I can do is just ask that if this circumstance comes again that you look deeper and question harder and try to find the full truth. Listen to the other side especially since it comes from sisters like me."

Change in a Child

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939

Yikes, do I ever understand this quote. I remember vividly the day that K senior and her Dad were in a very difficult and oppressive argument. I was doing all that I could to find a way to mediate and then, the bottom dropped out. K told her Dad to take a flying leap (translated to not offend those reading this blog).
My heart sank. It stopped him because K had seen the same words stop him from coming at me but I realised right there and then that I just needed to change because my example was not good.

I have changed dramatically since then. My very vocabulary is altered and no longer includes those words, especially when dealing with others. Even in the last few months I have changed and continue to as I have a firmer grasp on my own emotional health.

Kids love us no matter what. Even in abuse, children will still seek out acceptance and caring from the abuser. It's their nature.

But if we really want the cycle to end then change must be initiated within ourselves. I wasn't the greatest of examples to my kids but NOW then can count on me trying to be. They can call me out if they think I am not and I can speak honestly with them. Remember though, that my kids are now almost all adults. We have earned this privilege.

If you kids are young, always just love them and show integrity. Be honest and always be the same both inside and outside your home. Kids need that. Consistency brings emotional health.

I have good friends who have raised there kids to be fine young men. They have come under a great amount of scrutiny but they have followed the mantra; "If it not morally wrong, hurting others, or illegal then let it be." I have often said it's a shame my girls don't match up in age because these boys will make fine fathers and husbands some day.

I endeavour to follow truth and the spirit in my life. I know the Lord's expectation of me as a parent. I hope when I finally get back to the Big Guy he will say, "Great Job, it wasn't easy, but you did your best."

It's all I can pray for. It's what I am here for.

Rides!

I have been thinking, what is it that makes my life so full. I wake up in the morning and thank the BIG GUY for how it is now, peaceful, happy and full of my kids. I'm grateful for health and my job, you know, all the usual. I am even grateful for some unusual stuff, like the Lord kind of always knowing what it is that I need to do and giving me a break by making it pretty easy to know what that is.

What I hate though, is the drama of my life and I have been trying to figure out how to purge that.

Any ideas?

I thought of banning any conversation about any of the dramatic parts of my life. I am working on that. How about keeping my distance from stress and heartache by concentrating on service and giving. I have the plans of a mission. I just don't know how to change what is so familiar in my life so that it can be different.

As I was meditating about this, I remembered seeing a movie when my kids were still little. It was a hectic and busy life back then and I felt so overwhelmed most of the time. When I think about it now, it seems so insignificant but back then that stuff was real and hard.

It was called "Parenthood" and it was a satire on modern urban life and I think the message was pretty clear. "Take a breather". Just stop and breath and feel living.

At one point in the movie, Gil, the father, is in the dining room with his grandmother at thanksgiving time. Chaos was all around and you could see that he was at the end of his emotional rope.

The following words are exchanged;

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil: Oh?

Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil: What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

I started to cry right there in the movie when I heard this. It was a moment when I knew I was supposed to hear exactly that.

To say my life has been a roller coaster ride would be an understatement. But I have never and I mean never felt that it hasn't all been worth it. All the good and the bad and the ugly.

It's continues to be a thrill.

The Power to Choose, to Respond, to Change.

"Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."

~ Stephen Covey

Once again I am reflecting on the experience I have had to look at what it is I am to learn. I am beginning to think this blog is just one big S DRAMA show and have contemplated stopping. Then I thought. What kind of legacy do I want to leave my children and grandchildren? When it’s all said and done, really, they are the ones who will remember you. So I wondered. What is it I want to leave them?


Clearly, from the circumstances of the last few weeks in just ain't going to be a ton of money. Well, as a family we had already been through that. So what of words... my words.


Years ago, my Dad inherited a large steamer trunk. It sat in my parents basement, tucked away for years, until my brother pulled it out and opened it. It was a treasure. Full of paintings and books and letters. OLD LETTERS.


W is still deciphering the letters and every once in a while we get a coil bound book that contains the writings of a past relative or even one maybe more current. I can't tell you how grateful I am to read these volumes of words. Thanks W!


How about a great..great...great aunt's journey to Istanbul for a Spa vacation to improve her health. Yes, I have a legacy of words in my family and it has made me realize that maybe in a hundred years my ancestors will read my musings and find some comfort in them.


So here's to what I am on about today. Stephen C's quote.


4 Human Endowments.


1.) Self Awareness - when we know who we are and acknowledge it, both the good and the bad, we become whole and pure. Maturity and circumstance bring this to us. You need both to recognise that you are what you are and you have within you the power to change. I have intimate knowledge of change. I remember a time of hopelessness and a feeling of powerlessness. I didn't know of my divinity. Once I understood the concept of truly being a daughter of God I found in myself the ability to overcome everything. I just recognize the reality of time and healing.


2.) Conscience - wow, this one is essential. I have come to an understanding of owning what is your faults and not owning what isn't. In the grasping of truth in your life you MUST be able to know what it is that is wrong so as you can make things RIGHT in your life.


3.) Independent Will - Alone is scary but important. It's a step, I hate to say this but most young Mormon girls miss this. They find themselves going from the dependence of their parents straight into a marriage an miss the part of life where you learn Independence. I missed it. I am learning it now, and loving it! Take time to really know that you can be you and be great. Make difficult decisions, live to them, stand behind them and show all around you that you have inner strength. Life can be brutal and without inner fortitude trials can way so heavy that you give up. Finding the will inside you to hold on is so essential to being integral to yourself. It allows you to put healthy boundaries in place so you can exist with others.


4.) Creative Imagination - I love this. My Momma taught me this. She encouraged me to imagine and dream. She gave me outlets to become one with the talents God gave me and always encouraged me to live to them as they were God's gift to me. Talents weren't just defined like writing or flower arranging. She saw talent in being a good friend, a good listener, a faithful person, a good sister, daughter or Mom. One thing she always said to me. "Remember you have been blessed with a testimony, some haven't S, live always to what you know for yourself. It will give you strength. " My momma was the most creative and imaginative person I know. I couldn't have been blessed with a better Yomomma!


So in the end, understanding the complexities of these four endowments and knowing where you are at in relation to them can give you strength to be a complete and more compassionate human being! I always remember though that I am constantly changing and growing. If I can keep that growth positive I may be able to accomplish the miracle of a whole and healed family! That is my goal.

In Memory

Pong

Your missed. 17 years of making us pet you and here your joy for being a cat! I hope they have cats in heaven, it would be unfair if there weren't.

Seeker After Truth

"Silence is a great help to the seeker after truth. In the attitude of silence, the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after truth, and the soul requires inward restfulness to attain its full height."

~ Mahatma" Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

So clearly you can tell after reading the last few blogs that we as a family and myself personally had a bit of a bumpy ride. Man, I was sure that the bumps were pretty much over but once again, I misjudged. I do that often.


I think I have a process now to get over these hurdles. Sometimes it's a breeze and others it's a frickin Tornado. A twister of biblical proportions went through and guess what, I think we survived. At least I think so for now.


Silence was the key and reflective thought. I have spent many a hour rebuilding some faith in my kids and myself but maybe for all maybes, we better knock on some wood, we cleared this one. Intact and maybe a bit poorer but finally free to really be who and what we were always meant to be!


When Bishop H made his suggestion at first I wanted to scream and shout and claim the absurdity of how unfair everything was. It took some time and compassion from others as they helped me to realize how lucky and blessed I really am. And then I thought.....hmmmmm.... so here I am. The Mom of amazing kids who I love and adore and to whom they have shown the same to me. When I consider the financial position I could be in, I shiver a bit, and then remember; I have a great job, hard but there, a great life, great friends, even greater family and then an AHA moment came to me.


Maybe I needed to redefine the word FAIR and see that in fact, the scales are balanced on my behalf when you think about it. At the end of the day, my kids love me, they respect me and recognize the sacrifices we are all making to become a functional, happy and adoring family. It's really happening. We really are that and so here's to M. Try and shake it, destroy it, hurt it. You will never have what we have here. I am sad for that. You are missing out.


So I am going to take a deep breath and move forward. Scared... frightened really but happy and content to know..... Family is our purpose. It's our destiny. I love who I came to and who came to me and I can hardly wait to meet those who are still waiting to come.


Let me testify again to the importance of the words of this quote. I did take a measurable amount of time to really reflect and judge what was asked of me and what was needed by my family. The C'Train is an awesome place to meditate deeply and to pray. (Don't laugh!) It was in the silence I heard the answers I needed to hear to make the decisions and to follow through to make this right. This last few days may never really make sense to me but they will always be right, because in the silence the Big Guy let me know it would be.


P.S. Thanks for the prayers, they helped.

The Atonement Gives Us the Strength to Endure

"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."

~ Dallin H. Oaks

 "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 9

I have had a rough day! The mountains called for the peace they can provide me and I heeded their whisper. I knew exactly where I was going to go and set out first thing. Yes, I did indeed miss church. I could not be there as what I was working out needed my attention. I guess I knew that the Lord would let me call a "Mulligan" on this because I truly did spend the day with him.

I am bearing a burden that is most evidently too much to bear. It goes against the words of the Prophet and his General Authorities but none the less it is mine to carry. I am so scared, frightened really and angry that it is even expected of me. I needed reassurance from the Big Guy that I could do it and that I could fine some peace to forgive M from ever passing this to me.

I struggle always with the separation of M and his behavior and the behavior of a righteous priesthood. It affects my decision making and my trust. I wondering if my activity in the church can survive this jolt, I still can't answer that. The church is a place of great pain and yet I have a kind and loving Bishop who is trying to understand. How can you ever understand this journey my children and I are on? It is so not understandable.

I feel the happiness in my soul hiding while I work through this with my kids. I am the ever present MOTHER BEAR who wants to keep my kidlets safe. How do you protect them from this? How do ever make this make sense to your own kids? It doesn't even make sense to me.

Please know WWW that there isn't a hole to deep for me to get out of. Some are just so deep time is required. With the help of my Savior I can be the cushion my children need to fall on and the rock that they need for a foundation.

Say a prayer for us, we need it. And if you have a chance, let my kids know they are loved.