The Outstretched Hand

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Did you ever have one of those moments in your life where you just were completely stumped; that anyway you looked at it, it was a lose/lose and picking the worst of two bad choices just doesn’t seem right or even fair? Yes? Well then you know how I feel in this monster conundrum I find myself in currently.

I have discovered that I keep trying so hard to make everything right around me. I’ve learned the hard way that my right isn’t everyone else’s right and for that I am thankful. It has helped me to understand myself better and to appreciate and respect others for their individual qualities that make them unique. There’s a catch though; if someone has the tendency to see things only from their perspective and becomes unwilling to bend, what do you do?

I have some issues in my life that need resolving, the first is with my daughter. This is a no brainer. You fix it. Period. I love her deeply and appreciate her needs. I have been trying to meet them and have done so in all the wrong ways. I am working to make this right and will hopefully find this resolved with her grace and my effort.

The second situation is different and here lays my present conundrum. What do you when intent plays a major role within the situation and the solution as well? It’s a hard road and I am stuck.

The details aren’t important but the results are speaking for themselves. A long and what I thought was a genuine friendship is now in a state of flummox. It’s sad really. I recognize that I am seeing this as a lose/lose because anyway I see this resolving requires that I am the one who has to give in and in spite of what I may see as the underlying cause. The thing that has me most stumped is that this person was the last person I would have thought I would ever find myself in this state with. Weird hey?

The circles of influence around this dilemma have great pull in the paths of my future and that is what brings me to the fork in this road. Though I know my actions resulted in the hurt that she felt, at no point was there any intent to harm anyone. The perfect storm occurred and the perceptions are skewed and because of that, the drenches have been dug deep in defense of perceived right and wrong.

I am not a person who holds grudges and I have learned that justice is irrelevant in our faith so where do I go? How is this resolved? Do I suck it up and accept the full blame even though I don’t feel it is all mine to hold? Because my future paths are determined by my response; do I say, as much as I know that this person feels that I intentionally wronged her and her son, at no point was that ever the thought process I had and in this case, her actions hurt deeply and felt very much like a personal attack within a place that one should always feel of the spirit and have an expectation of safety. It could have waited but anger took hold and delivered an efficacious blow. Her intent was never in question but what surprised me was that her words gave me an unquestioning command of her inner feelings directed towards me which I was completely unaware of. I read her very ineptly.

I have been accused of being too soft, of forgiving too easily. I have always responded by saying; “if my weakness is to do that, I can live with it.” I have become stronger in fortitude and personal faith. This hit a low blow and going to church, even when it was already very hard has become an exercise in absolute inner core strength. I have so many arduous and painful things on my plate and in this case I most literally “shelved” this dilemma to find out where I truly felt I should be. I am devastated at the loss of a friend but when I look at this, I feel the perspective may be that we were never friends because of what she believes I did to harm her. I must admit. Mine isn’t much different.

I watch these shows sometimes called “The Housewives of” whatever city. They are drama laden and cruel and what I am mostly amused by is how some of the women have a propensity to be “in the middle of it all”. I don’t and I know my friend doesn’t either so here’s where I am at. Do I end this by swallowing all the guilt and then simple back away from the pain of it or do I stand up and say – “look to intent” and though you may feel that what I did was wrong, your reaction to it was so intensely personal and forceful that I can’t find a way to make this right in anyway and you are a strong person who I don’t want to have as an enemy.

Who’d have thought that at nearly 50ish I would be caught in such a problematic situation? Go figure.

I know priorities, I know that my daughter is my first responsibility and for that reason, this is shelved. I may pay a price much bigger than you can imagine but this is the way I feel I need to go. It’s my hope that the fall out of this is spread only close to those involved. Here’s for hoping.

Tell Me Truly

A voice said, Look me in the stars

And tell me truly, men of earth,

If all the soul-and-body scars

Were not too much to pay for birth.
~ Robert Frost

For me, one of the major reasons I still cling to my testimony is the belief that I have heard these beliefs all before, like it was embedded in my soul and that it is very much a part of my soul’s song.

So what am I saying?

Well, let’s take the concept of the pre-existence. This is a familiar concept that I have no doubt is true. I know, like I know the patterns of my breath, the way I feel and see that I did in fact live with my Father in Heaven before I came here. He is to me the same instinctual part of who I am as my own Mother was. I know without any hesitation that she and I knew each other before, that I chose for her to be that woman in my life who would mold me to becoming who I am today.

So in saying this then I have a full understanding of what is my role here and what I agreed to before I arrived. I knew that the veil would be cast and that I would forget but what I believe is that there are many times when the Ah Ha moments come and I remember, ever so lightly, that I have seen it before; that all that is hard was agreed to pass through and that it was my HF intent to succeed.

I believe I knew that coming here wouldn’t be easy. I believe that the very thought of breathing and running and enjoying this amazing world overshadowed any fear I might have had and when things get hard I remember just that.

Every aspect of my life to this point has had great purpose in my progression as a soul going through this earthly progression. I would change none of my journey for having lost any of the life lessons I have had or to have what I have now. Though I know I have erred in so many ways on so many levels with each error comes growth so without them I would be as weak and timid as the day I started and the grand design on earth has we know it would be lost in the regrets we all share.

The regrets I have is in the harm I caused others as I made mistakes, I wish with all my heart that I could repair all of it and I know in time, they will be.

Rekindling the Inner Spirit

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

Just over two weeks ago I got a call from a friend, her song was crying out for a reunion, one we take about every year to year and a half. We met through serving on a presidency and somehow, we clicked and though it hasn't always been a piece of cake what it is is wonderful. We packed up and went to Banff and did just as it says; rekindled.

It's an amazing thing to be able to expose your very weaknesses and know that the only thing returned is concern and suggestions and not judgement and criticism. These are my homeys and they give my song rhythm. I had a great weekend and I feel renewed.

Thanks G and K for giving me perspective and hope, I may just have refueled enough to take on the world all over again.

Gifts

I am heading out for the weekend with two of my dearest friends. We don't see a ton of each other but our connection sticks as we gather about every 18 months and share and help each other. I got a call out of the blue about 2 weeks ago and it was like the universe knew we needed our time together again. We are all so different and yet as we come together it's like the sense that we can't find in ourselves is brought out by the others. I have a very important decision to make and though I am pretty sure of what I am going to do these two will bring a light to it that needs to be revealed. These kind of friends are the forever friends where you know, when we pass the pearly gates, the loud whistle from the side lines are my girls letting me know, welcome. I can't tell you how important these kind of friends are in your life.

BBG 1 - I miss you so much, above is a picture of the flowers you and A gave me. I almost hopped on a plane this week but I would have lost my job. Is it okay if I come? I love you and I miss you and I am too embarrassed to ask K2 for your phone number again, she has it on the Iphone I traded her and I forgot to download it. If this is you visiting from Australia, please leave a comment with your number, I love you and want to know when is a good time to see you. Mom

After Thoughts

So, I managed to get through my nerves and go to church. I am so grateful for W and for his patience and understanding. As we sat on the bench reserved for those of us not quite measuring up a new sister came and sat beside me. She asked me if I was D's Mom and talked of sitting with him on the way up to Edmonton for the World Skills competition. She spoke about how amazing he was and as I sat and listened I knew that this was a way for me to know I do need to hear the good instead of all the bad.

The testimony meeting was predictable, except for the second last testimony. A sister who was visiting had gotten up and made her way to the podium. She began by saying that she was a convert of over 40 years, that she grew up around here and that she was visiting her sister who was not a member but lived directly beside the Stake Centre. She told of her Jewish roots and then spoke about her husband, the man in the Leather jacket and jeans. She then told a history that made me realize why I was there, why I need to get over myself and belong because I have a right to belong.

40 years earlier, she and her husband eloped because back then, Jewish girls didn't marry "jack Mormon" boys. They landed in Provo and decided on a whim to go to church one day. They were hard living people and smelled of their vices and when they went to sit down, people actually moved away from them. She was devastated and he was thinking, 'I told you so". As the meeting progressed and her resentment deepened she was sure that she would never return. The meeting ended and an older gentlemen came towards them. He apologized for those who had moved away and said that Sacrament was for those less perfect not for those who saw themselves as perfect, that they belonged there and could they give it another chance. She spoke of how this older man changed that whole meeting for them and how his single act of kindness changed the direction of their lives. They had been active for over 40 years, raised their children in the church and held many callings all because one person stepped up, in spite of the ostracizing of the others.

For that testimony alone I was there. To hear that everyone belongs and though many may feel differently, one can make a difference. So, here I am, still hurting and still trying but I need to be grateful for what I do have. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to.

Should it Feel Like This?

Waking up this morning a feeling of anxiousness folded over me and I realized, today, I get to try again. Funny that you would ever use the verb try when coming to the action of going to church. It never used to be that way. Now, however, I spend the morning trying to forget how hard it is and finding that place that A. says gets you there for yourself.

There was a time when church meant everything to me, when being there was a natural as waking up and moving through the day. Now, it feels like a minefield that I maneuver through to not be blown to emotional smithereens. How I wish all the pain and hurt that meets me there wasn't there. There are those that say it should be about me, about my worship, about my renewal but even it that I have been called selfish.

Somewhere out there are members who see each other as equals, as all struggling to be better and willing and able to aid each other in the journey, not tear each other up for the perceived failures they attribute to each other. When I fit in, they left me alone. Now, with the scarlet letters on my back announcing all my faults, I am the one to use as the proverbial punching bag. The excuse to feel better about themselves.

The last time I was there was the worst and today, I will get through my pain and fear and try yet another time because under it all, I love the gospel and people, weather they need to be as unwelcoming as they are or not, cannot deter me from the truths I hold dear.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you know someone like me who struggles, sit by them, and make them feel welcome. You have no idea just how hard it was for them to get there in the first place.

A Test

“A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture.” ~ Abraham J. Heschel

I had a wonderful day yesterday; it was my birthday. I am not a big purveyor of having over the top birthdays. For the most part, in my past life, they were always horrible and hard and compared because M’s was followed so closely behind mine. It got to a point when I just wished they never came because of all the anxiety that would surround them. Now, I am just grateful for a day that I can say means 1 year older and 1 year wiser.

My family generally recognizes it, K1 and A sent flowers which was wonderful and made me think of hope, I miss her so much, K2 took me to lunch, K3 called as she was having a difficult week filled with lawyers and court and family and D cleaned his cycloned portions of the house that desperately needed it. My sister and brothers phoned and sent messages and even my Dad, who as a general rule forgets it, but he remembered.

W was so sweet, he brought home a cake and covered my eyes as I went towards it to blow out the candles. It made me think about what was so wrong before and what’s so right now. We went to a fabulous dinner alone and just enjoyed each other, it was lovely……. Until the table just two tables over exploded in an argument.

Here was this lovely old woman with I who am sure was her son. The conversation started loud and then became heated. W looked at me and I was just horrified. She must have been in her early 80’s and here was her son telling her to shut up and using profanity. I sat back and reminded myself this wasn’t my conversation and tried hard to not hear it but it just got louder and louder. Our waiter came over to us and apologized and I think most everyone in the restaurant was just so stunned that we, and I mean everyone, did nothing.

At one point, when he said to her… “You can be such a bitch sometimes!” I wanted to get up and go over there. I was running through everything that I would have said; like – “do you know what I would give to have my Mother across the table from me. Can you not just cherish that she’s here with you?”, and “whether your relationship with her has been difficult or not throughout your life, at some point you just have to let it go!”. W almost got up but I stopped him. In retrospect I probably should have let him say something.

As the argument died down and it appeared as if tears were trickling down the old woman’s cheek, W turned to me and spoke about how, in his life he would never speak that way to his Mom and I thought about the times I cherished with my Mom. I just ached for Mom to be with me right then because I know she would have stood up and she would have said something. I just didn’t have it in me, it brought back all the times I would be sitting at a restaurant or at an airport or some place public and I would face the wrath of M. It was so humiliating. This woman shouldn’t have to feel this way ever. I am so grateful I never have to feel that way anymore.

At one point, her son said to her, “Why don’t you go out with your friends and get busy so I don’t have to hear you complain so much!” Her reply; “I would but all my friends have passed away, I wish I would too.” It was then that I almost broke out into tears. I can’t even imagine how lonely it would be to be older and then not have your family for support.

I miss Mom everyday. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I would give to have her across a table from me to help me understand with the wisdom she had for the situations I seem to just be floundering in. I still, though I regret not saying anything to this man, feel that neither W nor I could have made a difference. My emotional Q is a bit low right now and I am sure that had this man attacked I would have crumbled. W was angry, rightfully so, it wouldn’t have worked for him either. What could we have done, what should have we done?

We paid our bill and the waiter apologized again. It wasn’t his fault. We joked with the hostess as we had gone to leave that I had been there some 30 years earlier and the food was just as good and the atmosphere exactly the same. When I got into the truck W took me into his arms and wished me a Happy Birthday one more time. As we drove home, I snuggled next to him on his bench seat and I just remembered again how grateful I am for him, for my new life and for hope.

I have had amazing elderly people in my life, from my Grandma W who lived with us a short time, to Grandma P and L, great Aunts and Uncles and friends. It is true what they say though, a test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is also a test of an individual’s soul.

Climbing In and Taking the Walk

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." ~ Atticus Finch: To Kill A Mockingbird

People have a way about them that let's you know pretty early the way they see things. The one thing I love about my life is that everyone of my friends sees life in such wonderful and unique ways.

I think it was about 5 or 6 years ago when I was re-reading "The Seven Habits" for my new job and the nasty little concept of paradigms came up and another one of those AH HA moments happened. I love those moments because they mean I am growing, which, above all else, is a good thing.

I have a good friend who has a shoe fetish. By that, I should elaborate that we are indeed talking "Imelda Marcos" size fetish and this girl has style. One of my favorite things to do is see what shoes she will be wearing at church. She has many and my faves include bright orange stiletto's with straps, lime green kitten heels and simple black pumps. It helps that she has the most beautiful feet that suits a women engrossed in the love of shoes. She saves her pennies for the love of the heels, and I have been shoe shopping with her so I can attest to the skill and time she takes in picking the perfect shoe. There are no "trends" adorning her soles, all our classic. You know the kind of shoes I am talking about, the ones you would find in a shoe museum!

It helps that she is also the person that taught me about the real life engagement of the adage my Mom bore into us so well. "Until you walk in their shoes - don't judge." A. taught a lesson on this and she came at it with such grace and wisdom. It remains one of the most enduring Super Saturday lessons that has stuck with me. With foot prints around the room, each listing a different trial, the message was clear. We each struggle, we each strive to be better and although we all have the same goals as far as eternity goes, we each definitely come at it in our own way.

Reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" changed me. I read it first in grade seven. It wasn't assigned but I came across it in the Calgary Public Library as I waited to go to swim club. I would sit and read it over and over and found myself identifying so much with the characters, especially Scout and found that I was indeed living through the words of Harper Lee. Most of the concepts of the book were foreign to me. I was living in Calgary when prejudice was something I was never exposed to because there wasn't much to be prejudice about. I do remember being outraged at the injustice of the plot and thinking that Atticus would have been a dream to have as a father not ever realizing just how much my own Dad was like him.

In grade 10 we studied the book and I was learning to connect words and thought well by then. I wrote a paper on identifying with Scout and literally walking in her shoes here in Calgary. In grade 7 I couldn't see the hatred around me, in grade 10 I was becoming keenly aware of the differences that were in my culture all along.

Today, I think differences have made a bigger part in my life. I find myself having to pare away an instinct to be angry at those I think don't make sense. I try hard to see colorless cultures and be about people without preconceived notions but I still fail. I was afraid of voting for Naheed Nenshi for mayor because of the color of his skin and had I just dug a bit deeper I should have seen his qualifications were impeccable and he was offering what I was looking for, something much different than what had been our City Hall for far too long.

There is a test you can take called the Meyers Briggs personality sorter when you see where you personality levels on 16 different types. Your score weighs to one or another and in the end you are assigned 4 letters, ISTJ, ENSJ and so forth. I am not going to reveal where I fell in this but what I will say is that when you take this test to another level, where would the Savior score. The answer is simple. Neutral. He would be no more one letter than another and for that moment I realized that this concept should be a goal.

When we walk in a world where we can truly understand and have compassion for all that is around us, we become someone who can truly wear another's skin and be comfortable in it. I am so far from ever being able to do this but it is my wish to first see the world from another eyes before I ever try and have them see it from mine. I think that's the first step.

Quality of Intent

“What is the quality of your intent?

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent. ~ Thurgood Marshall

I have thought a lot about this quote. I wondered if this could be a blanket statement for anyone, that in fact all words could be judged from the intent and not the content. Really? I think the spoken word for sure.

I remember a time when I was asked by a friend to be with her as she spoke to her ex spouse about an issue that was very volatile. I was scared but I knew that she would have been with me if asked the same favor so I said yes.

Her ex showed up angry and demanding until he saw me come from behind a door. His demeanor changed but his words were still much fueled filled. The level of tone in his voice said it all and as I witnessed the exchange I realized that he and she were so engrossed in the feelings of their split up that they had lost the purpose of their conversation. He was no guiltier the she was. It was like they were burying each other without even understanding just what it was they were doing to their kids.

It was hard to watch and hear and brought back so many difficult memories that I walked away in tears. I had lost my temper at them and told them both what I felt. The level of emotion was high but what caught me was the intent of the words, especially his. He was out to hurt her and said things that only he knew would cause her harm. Like I said, when he called into question his step daughter’s morality after only moments before naming all the women he had slept with only to hurt my friend, I learned a deep and abiding lesson about words and the weapons that we can turn them into.

I have had plenty of disagreements in my time. I have a weakness that only those very close to me know and when they attack me on it, it can most advantageously drop me to my knees. The pain is deep and the intent, purposeful. As I deal with others, especially those that I am disagreeing with, I try now, very hard, to not let my anger slip into the intent of my words. It’s hard, especially with my written word.

I measure before I speak, I think about the words and the use of them. I have also learned to sense the intent of others and find myself steering clear of those that use intent to harm people.

I admire those whose words and action remain consistent. They are few and far between. A good example is Eckhart Toile. As you read his words, the peace that is the intent rests beside them and you feel calmness, a sense of completeness. There are others as well, certain authors of the BOM, the bible, Jane Urquhart – a new Canadian author has a sense of lyric to her words and you read her novels just to feel the rhythm of her novels. There are people too. A Sister P who is a convert exudes peace and serenity when she speaks; I love her energy and calmness. When she joined the church I saw in her the promise of all that being Momo meant. She still is this way; it’s a dream of mine to find myself like her in any way.

Lately, a seething resentment has surfaced at the unfairness and lack of justice this Momo world can have. I have learned to fight it and force it back down. It is when it is near the surface that I find the intent of my words originating from the wrong sphere. I retreat and cave and relearn and when I am ready I return, hopefully to be a better person.

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow"

The Road of Life Twists

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are” ~ C.S. Lewis

Time has a way of making the picture clearer, always. I have found that if I stay back and wait I can see exactly what it is that is best for me and then decide. Lately, my judgment has been off and my intuition has floundered. It is when I seek the advice of friends I can usually have a better understanding. Now when I say this I am not talking about bouncing this stuff off everyone around me, I am speaking of those few to whom I have great admiration. The ones that have truly gleaned the life lessons that make their wisdom that much more valuable. They somehow have an instinct to know the best way to react to any given situation.

Far too many times too many people know too much about the people in their social group, like to Momo’s. My sister calls it the fish bowl, others have less pleasant names but anyway you look at it, it’s a voyeuristic view of someone else’s life. It comes in the form of concern or through the callings of VT’ing or HT’ing which when done in the right spirit can be a beautiful blessing in a life but when done as an intrusive nature, it becomes overbearing and trodden. Thus lays the balance and the rungs of the social ladder.

When is advice the best laid case for social friendship and when does it become harmful? Oh, and who decides which is which?

The best laid plans are never quite as easy as you would think. For me, by the grace of God, I have had wonderful advice. I have friends with ions of life experience that when we speak they then offer an intuitive response that makes my pathways clearer. I have been able to avoid major catastrophes by listening to the wisdom my great friends provide. I have been blessed.

So what am I on about?

Gratitude, as President Monson asked us to explore this conference.

“This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.

We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he: “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”

President Smith is telling us that a prayerful life is the key to possessing gratitude.” Oct Conf Sunday Morning Session

I have been overwhelmed in my life by the negative. As my wise husband said, “you are over analyzing and dwelling too much”. I hear him and I live life NOW and in the MOMENT because that is all that you truly control. My past ways still haunt me however and I can dwell too much and too long. This is where my gratitude comes into play. I have wonderful friends and family who give wise and great advice and because they have I am finding that even for myself, I am making better choices. Time is such a wonderful healer.

I am also grateful for wonderful kids – ALL OF THEM – in spite of what others may think. The other day, someone asked, what was more important, a kind child or active child. I said that when it is all said and done, and we reach the pearly gates, He isn’t going to ask you what positions you held, or how much money you have, He will ask, how you treated others. My kids are good kids, kind people, and honest people. I have been very proud of them, always! They have wonderful lives filled with hope and loves, what more can a mother ask. If they aren’t sitting in a meeting gossiping about the failures of their friends, I am not sad. The fish bowl wasn’t for them, that‘s all. Somehow, I think He understands.

So yesterday I played hookey. I was going to head out to the mountains but instead spent the day chilling and finding my head space. I hope that I can find my place again somewhere in the ward I belong. I am not sure though, I think the gate is shut and may be too high to cross over.

So here’s what I think;

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~ Don Williams, Jr.