Joyce Ellen Ross Lloyd

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
~ Pablo Picasso

This is a hard holiday for me, it always has been. I remember as a child I would love to make and give my mother something every mother's day. She always did so much for me I could never find a way to give back, I don't think, in all the years she was alive, I ever really made it clear just how truly in debt I was to her for her example. I live that example everyday. I have always said that I will measure my success by just how close I can come to being just like her.

Every breath I take in, labored or not, in some real way aches at the missing of her. She was for me, the greatest cheering section, the wisest teacher and the sternest boss. She enveloped me in an unconditional love that only mothers have the capacity to give and it is what I miss most.

My strength is hers, my wisdom is hers, my hope and my dreams are because she taught me to always be open to the realization that I could be anything. My survival of these last few years is because, at the end of her life, she choose the most unselfish path by taking that time to have me look at all the possibilities that I could have and to take them, enjoy them and to live happy and never once was selfish in the pain of cancer.

Do I feel alone? NEVER, because she is always with me. Her words resonate my thoughts and my actions are a result of her life and the greatest example she gave me.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Though you are not with me in person, you're spirit is always near. I love you........ and thanks....... for everything!

Giving Liberates the Soul

"I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver."
Maya Angelou:

So there is some wisdom that our mothers taught us by shear repetitive brow beating that once you were old enough to understand you knew that the words spoken were an important LIFE LESSON that they wanted you to know, to understand, to live by.

One of those lessons from my precious Mom was the knowledge that in life, there are two types of people; the “takers” and the “givers”. She expected us to fall in the latter of the two categories for a number of reasons.

From an early age, I knew this wisdom to be true. If I ever thought my mother was the greatest woman alive I have not spoken or written enough about the grandmother I had or the legacy of strong independent Scottish woman whose dedication to life and family was unprecedented. My great grandmother was a part of my life as well until I was 7 and I have vivid and happy memories of her influence as well.

What I always have known is that strength, especially the female variety is self driven and as a woman, I can do anything I put my mind to…. Anything! This is important as I address the givers and takers in life.

Living is complicated by the demands life has on each of us. How we are raised and how much we have can affect whether we become a “giver” or a “taker”. We can be raised to be ether as well by example or by purpose but in any case you are, in life, either one or the other. I was raised to be and was instilled with the greatest example of giving. Giving and sacrificing was the way of being a Patterson woman, even, to some extent, to our own peril.

So here’s what I am on about.

If at the end of the day we can say that we gave more than we took, we can call ourselves “givers”. I measure a day by this. For a time, I came out on the taker end and was so laden with guilt that it became overwhelming. A wise friend then gave me this poem.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into our life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

To the friends who have given and to the friends who have taken the balance it what brings me the emotional health I enjoy so much today. Life is always a two way street. I fully intend to be involved in the whole journey…. Both ways and in the enjoyment of everything there is to see and be involved in!

I have also learned that if someone does you the courtesy of sharing it is essential to listen and to understand why whatever higher power you believe in needed you to understand why that message was meant to be in your life at that time. There are no chance encounters just meetings that fate finally brought together.

My life is blessed, I know it, and I am grateful everyday for it!

Restraint

“Why are we so full of restraint? Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves.” ~ Henry Miller

Love… love…love spring and all the rebirth of everything that has laid dormant throughout the winter; except maybe the bears, I sometimes wish they would just stay asleep. But anyway you look at it I feel such a renewal as the snow melts and the dusty shades of brown have slight puffs of green emerging to show that in fact, though it was a brutal winter, they survived and are returning to take their rightful place.

When the weather warms I return to all my outdoor activities which give me an endorphin rush of sanity and make the happy women I love to be. Spring is a verb. It makes you want more out of life; it forces you to think about starting, and moving and grooving to life’s rhythms.

Yesterday, as I was walking during my lunch hour and enjoying the zen of the pace, I had decided to run/walk and it was my first try. It felt good to breathe and not cough and to feel the spring air pass through my lungs. The river is beautiful and the pathways clear. I felt this gentle rush of wonderment as I just love being in my beautiful city taking such advantage of it.

When I had completed my route and emerged from my urban oasis known as Princess Island Park I preceded on to 4th Ave and reached the intersection of 4th and 4th. I was alone, which is usual but I was surrounded by the chaos of massive construction and cars, trucks, sirens and just before the light turned green I heard the distinctive call of a Canadian Goose. I looked up and above me was a pair of geese passing through the canyons of Calgary’s downtown skyscrapers heading into the park I had just left.

I love the analogy of geese and how they head south or north or wherever it is they are going. They seem to have their own integral compasses that though vastly different from each other they still end up exactly where they are meant to be. Does it make any sense that a goose would choose the path of most resistance to get to the park? It does if that is the path it has chosen for itself.

So here was this pair of geese doing what geese do best and doing it in their own way and it was inspiring. I have such a testimony of choice and paths and endurance. I may never be what others would have me be but for me I am okay.

So what am I on about when it comes to the above quote? If that pair of geese had fear or restraint they would most likely have chosen a much different path; an easier path. They went to what they felt, instinctually for their path as I know all of us have as well. Inherently we know where it is we are supposed to be, we just may not get there the same way others do. As far as losing yourself, that’s apparent in just the everyday aspects of life.

So what’s so special about geese and why would it ever be blog worthy. Well….. It was what I saw that morning. That same pair of geese are nesting on the Home Oil Tower ledge. Does that make any sense at all? We’ll have to see how they get those babies to the river when it’s time. I am sure it will make the news!

Thanks

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Buddha

Another Ctrain story. Life has a way of making itself transparent in a sardine packed train after an exhausting day at work.

They have closed the station closest to my work for renovations and so I have to walk an additional 4 blocks to get to a Ctrain platform. I usually wait a train so that I can be at the front to get a seat. It’s always a waiting game for attaining a seat and seriously, someone could write a book and it would be a best seller here in Calgary. Strategy is the key and today the karma fell in my favour and apparently not for the women behind me.

She clearly was not pleased and then proceeded to make it known. The Ctrain is generally very full and personal space is at a premium but she decided that she was going to make the ride miserable for everyone around her. She nearly sat in my lap and then pulled out the largest book I have ever seen. She laid her elbow and her body against the pole that people generally use to stabilize themselves and she wasn’t moving to share it.

When an older gentleman asked her if he could grasp the pole she pointed to the straps on the upper bars and told him that was what they were for. Her cell phone rang and it was one of her kids who she them proceeded to YELL at to get the friends out of her house until she got home. We all became part of the call.

Stop after stop; as more people got in, she became more and more angry and it was making everyone so uncomfortable. I use this time to meditate and pray and that was impossible as the spirit this lady was expelling was in no way conducive to any pray or meditation.

I looked up at her, she had turned her back on me in anger as I am sure she felt I had robbed her of her seat and then it struck me. I used to be that angry. I used to feel just like that, like the world was out to get me. It scared me to realize that that was once me.

It was then that I started to feel sorry for her and wondered what chaos is in her life that would hurt her so deeply to make this kind of karma be what she portrays. I wanted to just hug her or at least say something or even offer her my seat but there was no way, she would not have had it.

So it was then that, in spite of it all, I bowed my head and thanked the Big Guy for healing and for letting go! I am so grateful for how much pain and anger and frustration is gone from my life and for being able to feel such Joy now.

This is where I just say thanks!

Inside Out

The ''Inside-Out'' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self / with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves.”

~Stephen R. Covey

I have had a profound experience these past few weeks that has taught me a very important lesson and given me skills that I will no doubt have for the rest of my years. It came about in a round about way and though it could be the source of some discomfort I choose instead to call it a life lesson.

My past; at least as defined by my ex, crept up on me and dramatically affected my life. It’s funny and ironic all at the same time when I think that as a culture, we in the church judge one another on moments of our lives and not on the present or full course of it. M had a way of talking to anyone who would listen and fill them in on his version of events. Many people in this culture think they know what happened. For the most part I simply choose to ignore it.

My sister taught me something when she said, It shouldn’t be “do unto others as you would have others do unto you but rather… do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” What this means is that when you deal with others, treat them as you think they would wish you would treat them and in that you will define the paradigm of fairness in your relationships. In most cases, people have higher expectation of self awareness and treatment of how others should treat them and in following this you raise your own standards of interactions.

I guess the thing I’ll never fully understand is that there are people who think they know a situation having heard only one side. That they can pass judgment and gossip and think that no one is the wiser or even hurt. I have learned to live under this shroud of untruth or maybe a better phrase would be another’s perceived truth for quite some time. Standing up and broadcasting rebuttals is pointless. This culture is difficult enough as it is without adding contention and innuendo.

Why does this stuff still resurface? This is old and over and I am doing all that I can to move on. I shouldn’t have to feel uneasy that any man I see may be tracked down and “informed” of what is, in essence, only the one side and come on…. I share this only with those I trust and always acknowledge my role. Let me move on! I want to move on! I am trying to move on!

There is a man I know who, when you know the circumstances of his divorce and the behavior involved you would run a million miles in the other direction. But let’s go back to the concept that you cannot judge a man by a moment. The life this man has lived after his indigresion stellar. He serves and he gives and has benefited so many by his example. (PS – No, I don’t like him, here’s the difference, I simple admire his journey) Should he always be what his sin defines or is the journey of his forgiveness a better indicator of his character. You decide.

So what am I on about, especially in context to the quote?

The greatest growth that I have ever witnessed both in myself and in others comes when at first; we correct ourselves and let those changes help us serve others. Wisdom, maturity, sustained change happens when we solve our own personal issues and then take that learning and share it with others. I hope that this change I feel so ingrained in me is complete and lasting. That recognizing all that I did wrong, addressing it, seeking out the forgiveness of those I harmed and then feeling the eternal affects of the atonement has changed me to being the person I have hoped I always will be.

My goal? To find inside my heart the courage of ignoring those that choose to judge me by my past or for a better phrasing, the courage to ignore those who choose to judge me by what another defines my past as.

A Single Footstep

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. ~ Henry David Thoreau

One of the activities I have learned to love in my middle years is walking. It is not unheard of for me to go and walk for an hour or two to simply find answers in the silent rhythm of the paces I take. Praying during this time is very meditating, especially if I find myself on the Fish Creek Pathways. Rocky and I have spent many hours enjoying this beautiful provincial park. Some of the most beautiful hikes I have been on have been literally in my own backyard but I never fail to just love the rhythm and movement of going forward. It is a sense of accomplishing something, of getting somewhere when at times it feels like you are going nowhere fast.

I was unable, for a time, to walk and I soon began to miss it. Just last week I decided that; lungs hurting or not, I was going back to my daily constitutional around the Princess Island Park. It’s a 5-8k walk that you can take on your lunch hour and I have been a regular on the circuit for some time.

The pathway has all types of different kinds of people on it from the avid, diehard, joggers who deck themselves out with the Ipod, the heart rate monitor, the running gear and leisurely marathon by you to those who are clearly in the weight loss routine. I love watching these people for a number of reasons. One being, I love to see the gradual change, it’s inspiring and these people have such a zen look of determination, I wish I could harness it.

There are the social walkers. These are the women who walk to get out of the office and just socialize. I may fall into this category at times but since I mostly walk alone it’s not a perfect fit. Then there are those that walk out of cultural integrity. These are the older Chinese couples who leisurely stroll the pathway. They are in no hurry at all and you can often find them stopped and pointing at some scene or wildlife, exchanging a conversation that no one can understand but you know is valuable all the same.

All humanity walks and within their motions you can read much of their character and well being.

If you were to ask me why I love to walk I doubt I could give you one single answer. I know that for me, I quite literally find myself and while spending the time in motion I can contemplate all the scenarios in my head and truly analyze each issue that I am facing that day, that month, or year. I love to feel the movement and access what it is I am trying to figure out. Many an answer has come to me in the rhythms of putting one foot ahead of the other. Walking is truly emotionally medicinal.

So the question; what am I on about?

You would think that since I have such a deep love of walking and that I understand all of it’s endearing qualities that this quote would be that much easier to but into practice. I mean, it makes complete sense. Rethinking and setting the pathway for your thoughts so that you are hardwired to be healed is a whole concept worthy of reflection. It is more physically exhausting to set your mind right than it is to walk a 10k.

This is the last leg of the divorce journey. In the getting your mind paths to recognize strength and health when all you ever knew and were told was that they weren’t any is a formidable path. It is a completely daunting task. It’s that self talk that gets you over the hurdles of abuse that has littered your path. I am mostly self assured and filling the new and maturing paths in my mind. My patience level is higher, my anger threshold higher, my reaction time more settled. I feel pretty whole, just scared a bit. It’s all so new and only in time will it be a comfortable acquisition to my emotional health.

It’s like the “I think I can” all over again. Finding faith in our self again is one of the most liberating feelings and well worth all aspects of the journey! I highly recommend it.

Gifts

“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
~Voltaire

In consideration of the above quote, how would one define “living well”? I looked it up and what came across was “A state of health, happiness, and prospering:”

It is interesting enough but still somewhat vague. What state of health, define happiness, and by what measure does a man prosper?

A have been part of what the world would have considered a very prosperous life and yet happiness was never found within those walls. Now, as a family we struggle and yet choose to enjoy the journey within reason and without extending ourselves. We play much more than we ever did and do it on a lot less money. I can’t even describe how relaxed we are even as we tread through this turbulent economy. I found it so ironic that if the world would try and convince you that money brings happiness, those with it would be the first to disagree. It makes life a bit easier but it is in the struggles that we find our true happiness.

So here I am, now trying to define living well and when I wake up every morning something is changing. I used to be angry that my life was where it was at, that some of my daily activities were forced on me. I realized that has changed, I seem more content, more at ease and I know that even though this life I have now may not have been what I wanted or expected it is still much better than what I had and for that I am eternally grateful. How can you not be?

There is no fear or anxiety anymore. I am at peace and constantly striving for a sense of wholeness but the reality here is that life in itself is a journey. I am supposed to be striving for just that; a sense of fulfillment that only comes with maturity and age. The angst of an impending anger is gone for me. As I interact with my family I have the expectation of respect and the patience of understanding. Oh sure, there are still disagreements but they are resolved and made peaceful much sooner and we feel the need to be peaceful which never existed for us before. I believe the changes that were needed were self involved and required boundaries that I set up which then gave my children the permission to be safe and whole. I find it so interesting that if we desire something from someone it is easy to find the answers within ouselves to facilitate the change in another. There are always exceptions…. If the other person doesn’t want the change, nothing you do can facilitate it. Manipulating a change is a short term answer that will soon revert back and bite you right in the arse. Now, that’s not good. For anyone!

I am living well now and when I wake I look so forward to the day ahead. Even when I know hardships are ahead for me they seem that much more surmountable because of the peace and serenity I have within my very soul. I have heard people say they are happy and now I know exactly what they mean. You can have hard days, terrible days. It is the way you bounce back that your emotional health can be equated.

I am Indian Rubber, bouncing back harder and stronger than I ever have before. Thank-you all for helping me find this within and without so living well could be realized by my family and me. We owe you!

Simple Things

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.” ~ Donald Miller

Our Easter holiday is over and I dropped K1 and A off at the airport Monday morning. I can’t even begin to tell you just how much this holiday meant to all of us. We come together in such a beautiful way and are fully learning to enjoy each others company without the past inflicting it’s wounds on us anymore. Peace is so a part of it all and now we are spoiled, it defines the holidays.

There have been times that I wanted all the healing to be done, all the effort completed and my life completely back to normal. Then comes the conundrum. What is normal? Yeah, that’s a loaded question. Who defines it and what does it mean and how, if at all, can you tell if you have come to it?

So, with everyone milling through my house on Sunday, the kids anxiously waiting for the Easter Egg Hunt and the other adults conversing I just sat and looked upon the scene and sensed that normal was finally upon us. Sure, S punched H in the nose and W raised his voice at S but this is all the normal interactions of a happy and functional family. How can anyone judge another’s family interactions? What was once is now gone and what is….. Is so absolutely beautiful it is divine! I have been so blessed.

I remember praying sometime back for the drama and the pain to just cease. It felt like it would never end and that the torment and heartache would always be a part of life and living and that it would infuse its web throughout it. I am happy to say that it does lessen and at times even feels like it is gone but the most astounding thing is the way your heart changes, how it evolves. It’s as if your heart becomes protected and while you put your energy into the healing process, it encases itself in a spiritual bubble and it strengthens. The sad irony of all of this drama is that it can only strengthen because of the heartache. You must feel the pain to know the joy. It’s what we agreed to before we even came here; ironic, isn’t it?

I am in a huge transition now. I am learning to trust again and to let others into my family’s lives. My kids are ready too. They are excited to see me dating now, which, by the way, I have just started doing. Dr. W asked me to wait a year and it has been, above all else, the best advice anyone has ever given me in regards to my healing from this divorce. My thought processes are so different. I think more with logic than my heart and when I feel confused my head has a stronger say they my wounded heart. You can’t trust a wounded heart to make good decisions.

I know when the time comes to really allow the heart to open it may take a great deal of trust. It scares me to think I may need to trust another with this fragile heart of mine. It’s exhilarating and frightening all at that same time. I like that right now, I have friends. I prayed for a long time for the Lord to soften the hearts of the men I was meeting and that they would know that friendship is essential and He has done that. I have friends now.

There is never a point when you are going through a divorce where you can truly just rely on yourself. I have always trusted those who have led me in presiding positions and in the spirit as I have endured and orientated myself through this unfamiliar terrain. I am so grateful for all the Big Guy has done for me, I am in his debt.

My heart is stirring and I am learning to trust again. My kids are happy and I am happy. This is something that had you asked me even just a year ago if it would be possible I would have doubted. I was so wrong. Happiness is around the corner it just takes it time in coming. The more patience you have the more this feeling will be with you for a longer time. Patience and understanding God’s timeline will reveal the absolute healing the atonement offers. I am so grateful for the Big Guy’s timeline and for those who helped me to understand that His timeline is so much healthier that what would have been mine.

I have been truly blessed.

Charlotte

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous
thing. I wove my webs
for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life,
anyway? We're born, we
live a little while, and we die. A spider's life
can't help being something of a
mess, with all this trapping and eating
flies. By helping you, perhaps I was
trying to lift up my life a trifle.
Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a
little of that."

Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"

E.B. White

When I think of all the books I have read and the messages inherently found in each book, the ones that have left the greatest impact have always come from juvenile fiction. It’s as if, in the great books for young adults, the authors know the message must be hidden and subtle but be so profound as to change the young readers mind without them even knowing. My life has been challenged often by these well intentioned messages.

Friendship is such a unique and treasured human experience and one to which I have great debt. I have such incredible friends and owe such a debt of gratitude for the way that they have helped me. Their wisdom and advice is so heartfelt and treasured.

I chose, very early on, when I knew I was going to be getting divorced to surround myself with the most quality of women to whom I had the greatest of admiration for the journey they had taken through their divorces. This was not a bunch of pity party Relief Society sisters getting together for bitch sessions. These were high caliper women who had taken the high road and to whom I knew would give great advice. I remember feeling exceptionally selfish and even worded those thoughts to my Bishop. He shrugged and said that at any time in my life to have that kind of selfishness it was then, he felt it was forgivable.

So here I am, almost 5 years later and I know I would never have been able to accomplish what I have without those incredible women in my life. It’s funny, we laugh and share now and mostly when we reminisce I understand that above all else, the Lord has truly blessed me with the gift of amazing friends.

I went to the temple the other day with someone I hold so dear in my heart. She is my icon, my hero, my mentor. We were laughing because I have just started dating and all the feelings are so confusing and terrifying and leaving me feeling very helpless. She had just begun dating last summer and while we shared, we laughed and I realized with a sure certainness that she was my sister before I even came here. As I shed a few tears of the left over frustration I knew that though she has assured me over and over again that I am my families anchor for the gospel, she had, for all intents and purposes, become mine.

The last of the upheaval and uncertainness is wearing and the stability of a healthy emotional life is upon me and my family. I owe so much to those who have supported and aided me. My only hope is that I can be of the same help to another and that I can return the service so as to make another’s journey easier. I hope the Lord sees fit to allow this.

So what am I on about? Having a being great friends. This is a blessing God granted us. I am in debt.

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."

~Erma Bombeck

My house and my heart is full. I woke this morning to bodies all over the couches and floor and in the bedrooms and the warmth that only a full and happy home can bring. No breakfast, just a run to Timmy's and a walk for the Rockmiester. This is family....this is eternal, this is what the Savior meant when he spoke about Christ like Love.

All of the work, effort and the heartache was worth it when I know that what is happening right now will be my life for a very long time. You know, when I see my girls interact and know just how much RIVER had to go under the bridge for that to happen; my goodness, it was SO WORTH IT!

I know what is required of me now for the healing to be complete and the damage left behind. I dedicate my actions and my thoughts to those goals. I will purge the last of the heartache and misery and no longer be affected by pointless accusations being slung to upsat this life we are builing as a family. I am a righteous woman who has a slightly dysfunctional family who understands fully the concept of unconditional love...God's love.

What am I thankful for? I am grateful for the bodies I steped over this morning; for the mess I had to clean up and for the noise that lulled me to sleep last night. I am grateful for knowing that family is more than just the dedication of a man to a woman but can also include the love that they can so freely share towards the children God gave them the privilege to raise. I am grateful for His wisdom in allowing others to have me understand unrighteous dominion and call a spade a spade and for allowing me the right to not own what isn't my to own and for helping me through the forgiveness process for what was. And mostly; for amazing kids who forgave me so we can truly be HAPPY!

I love you K & K & K & D and all the others that bring such JOY into our families lives!