Inside Out

The ''Inside-Out'' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self / with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves recedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves.”

~Stephen R. Covey

I have had a profound experience these past few weeks that has taught me a very important lesson and given me skills that I will no doubt have for the rest of my years. It came about in a round about way and though it could be the source of some discomfort I choose instead to call it a life lesson.

My past; at least as defined by my ex, crept up on me and dramatically affected my life. It’s funny and ironic all at the same time when I think that as a culture, we in the church judge one another on moments of our lives and not on the present or full course of it. M had a way of talking to anyone who would listen and fill them in on his version of events. Many people in this culture think they know what happened. For the most part I simply choose to ignore it.

My sister taught me something when she said, It shouldn’t be “do unto others as you would have others do unto you but rather… do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” What this means is that when you deal with others, treat them as you think they would wish you would treat them and in that you will define the paradigm of fairness in your relationships. In most cases, people have higher expectation of self awareness and treatment of how others should treat them and in following this you raise your own standards of interactions.

I guess the thing I’ll never fully understand is that there are people who think they know a situation having heard only one side. That they can pass judgment and gossip and think that no one is the wiser or even hurt. I have learned to live under this shroud of untruth or maybe a better phrase would be another’s perceived truth for quite some time. Standing up and broadcasting rebuttals is pointless. This culture is difficult enough as it is without adding contention and innuendo.

Why does this stuff still resurface? This is old and over and I am doing all that I can to move on. I shouldn’t have to feel uneasy that any man I see may be tracked down and “informed” of what is, in essence, only the one side and come on…. I share this only with those I trust and always acknowledge my role. Let me move on! I want to move on! I am trying to move on!

There is a man I know who, when you know the circumstances of his divorce and the behavior involved you would run a million miles in the other direction. But let’s go back to the concept that you cannot judge a man by a moment. The life this man has lived after his indigresion stellar. He serves and he gives and has benefited so many by his example. (PS – No, I don’t like him, here’s the difference, I simple admire his journey) Should he always be what his sin defines or is the journey of his forgiveness a better indicator of his character. You decide.

So what am I on about, especially in context to the quote?

The greatest growth that I have ever witnessed both in myself and in others comes when at first; we correct ourselves and let those changes help us serve others. Wisdom, maturity, sustained change happens when we solve our own personal issues and then take that learning and share it with others. I hope that this change I feel so ingrained in me is complete and lasting. That recognizing all that I did wrong, addressing it, seeking out the forgiveness of those I harmed and then feeling the eternal affects of the atonement has changed me to being the person I have hoped I always will be.

My goal? To find inside my heart the courage of ignoring those that choose to judge me by my past or for a better phrasing, the courage to ignore those who choose to judge me by what another defines my past as.