On Being

~ I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~ Gilda Radner

It's been just over a week and whether I wanted it to or not the world has moved on and life continues around me. For me, surviving it all meant getting back on the horse and still seeing and smiling and feeling like it really was just the death of a dog. Every part of my heart knows that Rocky was so much more than just a dog.

There was a funeral for a woman in my ward who was in her early 40's. She had a husband and four children, her son had just left on his mission, one of her daughters just getting ready to graduate from high school and her other daughters even younger still. I didn't go to the funeral. I barely knew her but I knew the impact she had on my K3 and I was grateful for her for that alone. This wonderful lady was one of the only YW leaders who even tried to understand K3. Christie had a gift that way. Thinking of how her family must feel, how their grief will be felt so much more than mine ever will helps me to understand living and breathing and pain. In time, I will find another dog but you can never replace a mother not matter how hard you try.... ever.

I feel lost some of the time now. I can barely sleep and spend most of my time thinking and over analyzing. K1 called - she needs surgery and will be going in for it early Feb. I have booked my flights and when thinking about whether to go not I don't think not going was ever was a thought. Half way around the world is not to far to be there when your children are scared or in pain. I can still be there for her and that was another reality check for me to know the grieving needed to end.

I am grateful that I have so much more love and living in my life than I ever thought possible. I just wish that when I closed my eyes to sleep that I could only see the possibilities of hope more often and that I could lose the feelings of loss. Time, I hope, will bring it back.
For now, I am focusing on my daughter and preparing my travels.