Hate In Your Heart

“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” - Will Smith

In my life, on more than one occasion I have been accused of giving too much or being too generous. I have sat back and thought hard about what it is in me that feels so inclined to give so much, even at the cost of my own heart.

This past week I have had one of those moments where I finally saw the true heart of someone who my Mother described to me as a "Taker". Someone who lacks the ability to truly know gratitude and finds within themselves the inability to really comprehend that when someone gives that there is a need in some way to find gratitude and give back in whatever way they can and for me, the lesson that giving must never have any expectation of a return because when we do that we fail each other and ourselves.

My greatest regret is the lies that accompanied the disrespect and the way those lies called into question an honorable father whose only hope was to lift his child and improve her circumstances. He didn't deserve what happened to him and he still doesn't; that I will never understand.

Will this change my nature or alter the course of my life. In some ways, yes. It gives me a bit more insight into the heart of a mentality that will use another human being and then callously spit them out. I say insight because I will never understand it. I will never comprehend how one human being can ever fell entitled to the generosity of another. Taking is an ugly trait that seeds itself in greed and heartless thoughtlessness.

When I was being laughed at and shown the disdain of any expectations I had, I felt hatred again, a hatred I have long worked at ridding myself of. I stopped myself and ached that all this individual had to do was speak the truth of wanting to go home, of missing her home and we WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD but instead, greed made these feelings come out in anger and disruption and turned a home filled with acceptance and love into a living nightmare. I failed in even allowing myself to become involved in this whole nightmare. It never occurred to me that gratitude could be completely vacant in someone given so much and that whatever hatred has infused into her heart to hold it hostage and make such accusations that a mother is accused of stealing and a father of abuse is something that needs addressed quickly before more people become victims and before this individual can't even discern truth from fiction anymore.

I am angry and hatred can soon follow if I don't catch myself and recognize pain for what pain is and for the influence of a mentality that says taking advantage of good people is okay, it is never okay.

And as I said, if the greatest mistake I made was treating you as a daughter and welcoming you in as a daughter it is one that I would make again because giving is never a sin or a mistake and I will not change my very nature just because I got hurt.

As my mother said to me once, "if at the end of your life, the worst that anyone can say is that you gave too much you have honored me as a mother".

Thanks Mom, for letting me know that as much as it is my weakness there is so much more weaknesses that could hurt not only me but those I love around me.