This Is My Hope

Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” ~ Lawrence Douglas Wilder

Well, since I am addressing my many faults and weaknesses I thought I would address one that for the most part nearly destroyed me. Maybe by doing this I can purge this part of my past and let it go.

Growing up as next to (by only 12 minutes) the youngest of a family of 5 kids you learn coping mechanisms early on. For me, I got teased a lot, my brothers and sister weren’t that fond of me back then and some might even say now. I handled such teasing with a sincere and consorted lack of grace. I was a tomboy and would, at times, take matters into my own hands.

I had a bit of a fiery temper to match my reddish hair and could have swooned the likes of any adult and insight the very wrath of all my brothers and sister and smile the whole time. My favorite thing would have been to slam the door and I managed a wonderful technique at doing just that. It was priceless.

Hard times brought about harder measures. I had a temper issue and with the coupling of a destructive marriage and the feelings of not being heard, it was like adding fuel to the fire. I became my own worst enemy and adding nothing to the resolving of any dysfunctional issues.

I don’t think I have ever denied this side of me, I remember in the beginning of marriage counseling, this came up fairly quickly and as I met with Brother Z he helped me to see just how ineffectual this was in solving anything. He gave it a unique and binding perspective that has stuck with me even to today. “Speak to others as you would the Savior”. I still forget but I can’t even begin to tell you just how much have changed in my life as I have sought first to look within and compose myself before speaking when my emotions are running high. It helps, as well, to be much more emotionally sound as I am now in the dealing of this.

I still get angry but it’s much rarer than it used to be. So much so that it catches people of guard if I raise my voice. I find myself sometimes, holding it in and imploding later with an outburst of tears and doubts when I am alone but the processing time is quicker and the healing faster. I learned valuable lessons of life through therapy that I hold very dear to my heart and soul now and practice does make perfect in these regards.

When someone responds to me in anger, my first reaction is still to be hurt. I spent many a years being spoken to and treated with disdain coupled with anger and indifference. It nearly broke me but I am grateful because the adage, “that which doesn’t break you makes you stronger” applies.

I had a great lesson this week on anger and its ramifications. I was shocked at how I handled it and found that I really am changing. I have gone through all of the old emotions and all of the old insecurities but what I have learned most of all is to reflect inward much faster. Whether my actions warranted the response I received is inconsequential right now, I have, I think, lost a friend which hurts deeply but I can’t own her anger nor can I take responsibility either. My response was appropriate, being hurt is conceivable but retaliation is not. At this point, I simple need to think about what it is that has caused her reaction to be so severe and to recall if it was warranted by mine or her actions.

Clearly I hurt her, was it intentional or as a result of spite or selfishness? No, but I understand where her anger came from and for that I am sorry.

Sitting on the bottom rung of the cultural ladder means that whatever my point of view is, it is entirely irrelevant and therefore forgotten. My character has taken such a beating in these last 5 – 6 years and I am not sure it can withstand a further one. A wise person reminded me I have been through worse which is so true. I even survived it for the better but having this become a tense issue may be more than I can bare. The obvious result would be to retreat.

My first reaction when the incident happened was to NEVER return to church but that won’t be the case. I am going to time out, rebuild and then return and hopefully, anger will have receded to a strong dislike and we can co exist. I know I have lost a friend, I get that. I just can’t own the outburst that wasn’t mine to start with.

I am not perfect – I never have ever thought I was but I have promised myself to live as peaceful a life as possible in spite of the conditions under which I have no control. Trust me when I say, I still get mad, I still get angry but I internalize much of it and process as sensibly as I can what I need to do to make things right.

How do I know I have changed? Just in the ways things have played out this week. I would have been buried so deep in sorrow and hurt that I wouldn’t have come out of bed for weeks. Instead it was only less than a day and I get it. I get my role in it and I get what it is that I need to do to make it right for myself. Owning my part is all that I need to know because it is the only part that I can change.

There is where I cop up to my past yet again. For those I have harmed for my angry outbursts and lack of control of my temper I am sorry. If it were possible I would take all the anger and hurt back. Since that is impossible, I will promise that I will work on the future and hold my temper and my hurts so that I can exist emotionally strong with all those around me. This is my hope.