Hiding in Plain Sight

“I became startled by the extraordinary difference between something whose surface is completely invisible which only makes itself present by virtue of what it reflects, and a window, which doesn't make itself apparent at all, in the ideal case.” ~Jonathan Miller

Coughing up my weaknesses isn’t something I enjoy. I have plenty, as I am sure my family can attest to, but for me, I am on a never-ending journey of rising above my own doubts. Paralyzing, self deprecating doubts that with just a bit of an accelerant can have me crashing down to emotional exhaustion and a fear of; “oh no, here we go again”.

My internal demons don’t need help in finding ways to cripple my emotional health; I am weak, weakened from years of proverbially “not measuring up” and from believing it, over and over again.

I have, lately, found strength in myself which I never knew I had and with that I have exercised that strength like a new born learning to walk. I am unsteady and unsure and have had some major spills but I trust my heart and my faith to know that with each screw up I will draw closer to a lesson learned and a reason to move forward. Moving forward seems to be the point now. I spent a lot of time being stagnant. It was like hiding in plain sight.

I thought about that today; “hiding in plain sight”. All those years I was vacant and lost in my own head. All those wasted moments and failed opportunities because I couldn’t find the strength in myself to do anything. I am anguished at my own weakness and the consequences it had on the loved ones around me.

You know, I refer to that time as caving. It’s like I hibernated and withdrew to find someway to get out, to recover, and to move forward. They say when you hit bottom that you only have the way up to go. I know this to be true.

So what am I on about?

I will be saying sorry for the rest of my life for this failure. I know that and own it. I am unafraid of the consequences of sharing it as well. Weakness, when exposed, can give advantage to the enemy but I am so far past that now. If someone wants to call me out or bring me down they will find a way whether it is truth or not. This is a sad irony I have learned over and over again in these last few years. Each time I have attended the temple and my ex step mother in law is there I can feel the pangs of disturbed vengeance come after me. How I wish I could have the peace of the Temple back, I wish with all my heart that what was once a place of respite and growth could become so again. It never fails though, that when I do go, I hear from this person or that, that she has gone on again and again about how I have wronged their family, wronged her and did they know just how happy my ex is. What’s so ironic, so disheartening, is that is all I have ever wished him, all I have ever wanted is his happiness. It was clear I was never going to measure up or give it to him, I am glad he has found someone who does, he is happy now, I AM HAPPY NOW, let it go, please, just let it go.

I wish I could just make peace come, make closure happen and resolve it all just by wishing it so. It doesn’t happen that way; it will never be that easy. At this moment, I am lost without K1 but I have no idea how to make it right with her. I feel as if I will never be good enough and because of that I am hiding in plain sight, not figuring out a way to make it right. I am failing her right now at this very moment.

When the disappointment you have leveled is so deep and so intense, how do you make it right? I tried in all the wrong ways and made matters worse and I have no voice of any strength that can say how I feel or what I think. How does one do penances when there is no end in sight? When you are such an embarrassment to your kids, how do you overcome that and find someway of just loving them in spite of the feeling that all you ever do is disappoint them, embarrass them, and hurt them? I’m lost without K1 but I am leaning to caving while I keep doing the wrong thing while I am at a loss as to how to make it right. I don’t know what to do, I am floundering.

What is right in my life is how I feel in W’s arms. When I am so exhausted at the end of the day both mentally and emotionally I don’t even have to say a word, he’s there. He hears my sorrows and my wishes and just wants to be the catalyst for happiness. The other day, he came to me with a single rose and this boyish grin. Something was up and when I walked up the stairs on the table was the largest bouquet of beautiful flowers. Every month I get flowers and every month he’s showing his great care for me. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

Last night was a hard night, I tried to socialize and I always seem to fail now when it comes to the Momo’s. I came home and just sat by myself. I tried to read and it hurt, I tried to num my mind with TV and though it worked the internal reasoning came to me that doing this wasn’t helping the matter. I pray and most times I ask myself “for what”? For people to accept me, for my children to understand, to feel like I am not being ostracized for having the courage to walk away before more damage was done? Everything I ask for is nothing that I have any control over. I know enough now that I alone am master of my emotions; I am the soothsayer of my journey. I have to let it go, all of it or else it will consume me again and I will be lost in plain sight.

This is when I turn inward and search out exactly what it is I am grateful for, because it is in gratitude that I chase away the demons. I find as I concentrate my gratitude in my prayers I can draw closer in the times I feel most lost.