Too Often.....

“Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There's really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything!”

Why is it that half the time now, I feel like a 15 year old girl just on the verge of turning 16 and scared to death of what might be the possibility of dating? Holy freak, this pit in the bottom of my stomach has to go away and I just need to get over myself! Oh, and did I tell you how much I dislike dating or anything that resembles it.

In my lifetime, I have never been tongue tied but here I am at 47 and at a loss for words, almost always, thinking that I am saying the wrong thing or saying something completely stupid. Or, I can’t shut up which then guarantees I am saying something completely ridiculous. Figure that out for me, can you? Are you confused…? I am ALL THE TIME!

Maybe we are meant to fall in love and marry in our twenties because by the time you are my age you OVER ANALYZE everything and talk yourself out of it! See, doesn’t it sound nuts! Yeah….certifiable!

So what am I on about?

As scared as I am, I know that I really do have “nothing to lose” and “everything to gain”. But one question; why does it feel like I have to throw up ALL THE TIME!

My BBB, D, laughs at me non stop. He is casually dating and having the time of his life and when the phone rings, I jump a mile in the sky and he just reaches over, nonchalantly, to answer it. If it’s for him, you totally see this charm thing happen. It’s like a switch that when he realizes it’s a girl for him you see his brain disengage from what he is doing and the “FLIRT” button gets pushed and he turns on the smooth.

Me, on the other hand, the exact opposite. It’s almost hilarious to watch. D gets quite the kick out of it. I stutter and sound stupid and talk way too much. That’s not anything like me so the conundrum; How do I get the smooth back into my life? Where’s my mojo and had to I restart it? Women at 47 are not meant to have an on/off switch for “FLIRT”. Oh, I could do a serious amount of flirting when I was in my late teens to early twenties but now, it’s a loss.

I went on a temple trip with some singles and it ended up being me and two guys. These two are becoming my friends and we had a light hearted and yet serious conversation about what men and women want, at our ages, when it comes to dating in the church. These two fine gentlemen assured me that I flirt just fine but the irony is I didn’t think I really had. They told me that I had the personality that put them at ease but that didn’t show up until recently. Before, they said, I was brutally honest when I said to them, “I am not ready to date, I am just checking out this scene!” The funny thing is; I don’t remember saying that at all, LOL. Where have I been these last few months?

So barring the feeling that I am going to throw up all the time, I really am starting to enjoy this new single life I have. I have been blessed throughout this entire journey. Wish me luck people. It can’t get much scarier then this, at least I think it can’t?