Most Profound Doubt

"Isn’t it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity…"
Vaclav Havel

Here…here! There you have it. Clarity amongst chaos. How does one really judge the absurdity or, for that matter, the reality of life?

When we only know people from our encounters at church on Sunday do we really know everything about them? Do we know who they really are or who they want us to think they are?

A simple mind can even answer that. Absolutely not. No, absolutely not…. Or can we?

Behaviors in the end are predictable. Eventually everyone will be unveiled and their characters will show through. Time is the best indicator of who and what a person is all about.

Let’s take this example. A recent immigrant gives a talk in church. He has spoken English for only a few years and his talk is not as much spiritual as it is a well done "Rotary" talk. He gives an absolutely hilarious story and gets tons of laughs. He ties it into communication and then sits down.

Another member of the congregation then comments that though the talk was funny; in was not appropriate for church and therefore highly inappropriate. What do you say and how to you judge the person by that comment… or do you? Do you have any right to judge it?

If someone were to take all things into consideration, this man who less than five years ago could neither speak, read nor understand English and did a pretty amazing job. What he accomplished was inspiring. Was it appropriate? I don’t know but do you think the Savior cares? Maybe, looking past the argument here and just seeing the accomplishment is really what is expected of us.

Then I wonder, what would possess someone to put that much thought into that kind of attitude. How must their life be if they need to draw attention away from themselves and place it on others? Is that a burden I would ever want to carry?

I am never certain of very much during my days. I spend most of the time trusting my instincts and hoping and praying that I am doing it somewhat right. The one thing that is certain is my intent. I have the intention of being a great mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, whatever role it is and in the absurdities of failure I always improve in those roles. My mistakes make me want to improve and I am in no way anywhere near perfect. Actually, I am quite a bit away from it.

Here I am, a little more than four months into a complete role of a single parent with a non-existent ex. Whose is neither financially, spiritually ,emotionally or physically involved in or helping in the carrying of this family. Oh my gosh; I am going to make a ton of mistakes but I think I have taught my kids well enough now to know that mistakes are those things that make us that much stronger. If we hadn’t have been through all that we have been through how would we ever have the faith to know that we can, in fact, make it through this at all?

What am I on about? Helping each other cope in a very difficult world and making sure that we give ourselves the credit to at least forgive some of our own mistakes and the mistakes of those around us. My kind of mistakes may have no resemblance at all to your mistakes and to put my paradigm onto yours would be highly inappropriate and judgmental.

We cannot say that the talk given by this man should in any way equal someone’s whose has spoken and thought in English his entire life. That is unfair.

Please know that I fall short in this all the time. I am still learning to live my life for myself and not worrying so much about what others do or think. Comparison to others creates depression, comparing yourself to God is humility. Being humble is a virtue, being depressed is not. (Side note here - there are cases of depression that are a result of medical conditions and a huge mulligan factor is at play in those cases!) It is in finding the balance that we live our lives. Maybe, at the end, the balance is simpler because experience has brought us there.

It is when I look the deepest into myself and recognize the mistakes that I make that I learn and grow. I fail at so many things but knowing those failures and pushing forward again to try and not make the mistake again is curing to the soul. Profound doubt is a part of my life but faith is what propels me forward and gives me wings.